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Remus didn’t remember the last time he’d been this exhausted after a full moon. Sure, he was tired after every single one of them, having had to stay up all night doing… whatever the wolf did. But this was on a different level. Immediately after coming to, he’d noted how he could barely lift any of his limbs to even dress himself. It had only gotten worse when he’d gotten up and had prepared to leave.

He briefly wondered what had caused all of this. Maybe it was the combination of doing work for the Order while simultaneously trying to manage his ever worsening symptoms around the full moon. It seemed like getting older was a lot worse for a werewolf than for other people. 

He didn’t know how he managed to get back to Grimmauld Place in one piece. He knew Apparating was very dangerous when not concentrating properly, and all he could focus on right now was staying upright. But, he also didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t really stay where he had been. He had to get back somehow. He’d made himself chuckle imagining taking the tube in his state, but it would require him to somehow make it back to London before he could go on any public transport. So he’d Apparated, and was grateful he managed it without hurting himself some more in the process.

He opened the door to Grimmauld Place and greeted Molly, who happened to be heading out at the same time. When her unusually low voice greeted him back, he turned back to the door to see Arthur instead. Now, they definitely didn’t look at all the same, so he knew he was beyond tired by this point.

Remus tried shaking off the tiredness clouding his head. He managed exactly one flight of stairs before he knew he wouldn’t be able to get up to his room to sleep, not in this state, even though he would only need to climb one more floor up. He might make it if he crawled. Very slowly. Although, right now he felt like he’d rather lie down where he was and sleep there. So, he aimed for the next best thing. 

The drawing room had a sofa, he knew that. That would have to do. At least it would be somewhat soft, and not the floor. That was the most important thing right now. He’d think about the implications of him sleeping in the drawing room — out in the open like that, for anyone to witness — later.

His exhaustion had gotten so bad that his head was swimming and the only thing he could focus on was the sofa and how inviting it suddenly looked. It would do more than fine. 

He didn’t register the other person sitting there until after his head hit a leg. 

“Sorry— I can’t—” he tried mumbling, not quite able to get the words out. He tried in vain to lift himself back up, but his hands couldn’t find purchase anymore and he kept slipping back down.

“It’s fine,” said a distinctly familiar voice, but one he couldn’t quite place in his current state of mind. “Don’t even worry about it.”

He knew instinctively that he could trust those words. He stopped fighting the exhaustion, simply closed his eyes and fell asleep in an instant.

*

Remus’ whole body ached. Everything hurt so much. An insistent thudding behind his eyes, the familiar headache he almost always got after a full moon, accompanied the burning of unshed tears. Those weren’t always a given after a full, but this time had been particularly difficult and he couldn’t even discern why. He felt like the day was already ruined because of this alone.

This would definitely not be the first time he’d woken up to feeling like he might immediately start crying and then decide to just go back to sleep. 

However, little by little he could think of something other than his hurting body. He was reminded of his crashing on the sofa instead of his bed in his room. 

He was still lying on said sofa, face pressing into something soft, like a pillow. The pain in his hip — no doubt caused by lying on his side for too long — made him want to roll over, even if it meant falling backwards onto the floor.

But there was a hand in his hair. A gentle hand, stroking his hair. That was the only thing that felt nice. He gathered all of his willpower to focus solely on that, even though he felt a pit in his stomach from not knowing who was touching him.

He tried very hard not to feel freaked out by the fact that he was definitely not alone. He hadn’t been the moment he’d decided to step in this room. He’d made the decision to trust whoever it was when he’d been half-asleep, and that would have to be good enough for now. Besides, there weren’t that many people who would be comfortable—

“No, he’s not joining the meeting today.” The pillow his face was still pressed against moved as someone spoke quietly above him. “And neither am I.”

Sirius. 

Any apprehension Remus had had about the situation in the few moments he’d been awake instantly alleviated when he heard Sirius speaking. Sirius saying those words. 

The “pillow” was definitely Sirius’ stomach, which Remus quickly verified by opening his eyes. His head was resting on Sirius thigh, back facing the rest of the room. Sirius’ hand was in his hair, stroking it almost absentmindedly. 

Remus didn’t dare to move; he didn’t want Sirius to stop. He tried to keep his breathing level, his muscles as relaxed as they would be when he slept. He heard the fading footsteps as whoever it was Sirius had been talking to left the room and presumably went downstairs to attend the Order meeting. 

What time was it? A meeting implied it might be evening. But was it the evening of the same day he’d come back? It must not be later than the evening of the next day. But he couldn’t have slept almost two whole days on this sofa, could he?

He was still feeling the exhaustion and it was quickly becoming a little worrying. He shouldn’t be this tired, it had been just a regular full moon and he hadn’t even overexerted himself with the healing this time. He’d only had some new scratches. 

They should go to the meeting, too. Remus didn’t want to miss a meeting where they could possibly learn something important. He didn’t want to have anyone tasked with informing them later. Nevermind that they rarely learnt anything new these days.

But Sirius’ soft touches felt so good. He wanted this moment to last forever. 

He wasn’t sure if Sirius was aware that he’d woken up. He’d probably stop touching Remus if that was the case. Sirius had always been one to shower his friends with physical affection, Remus was the one who’d shunned it at first. At first. And then… 

Sirius’ other hand was resting on Remus’ hip in a way that felt so casual, like it was the most natural place for it to be. Remus was sure they looked odd to anyone walking in. And anyone could. There was an ongoing Order meeting right this moment and who even knew how many people had already been in and out of the house today. 

He decided he was awake enough to let Sirius know that as well. 

“Hi,” he managed, accompanied with a little cough to clear his throat. What an excellent way to start what would undoubtedly soon be a very awkward conversation.

Sirius physically recoiled away from him, except he didn’t get very far with Remus still lying on top of him and the back of the sofa getting in the way. He seemed to recover quickly, though. At least his first instinct hadn’t been to push Remus off of him and onto the floor right away. 

“Hi,” Sirius said back, his hand immediately stilling in Remus’ hair. Slowly, he lifted it off, but left the other to rest on Remus’ thigh. Remus tried not to think about what that meant, if anything. “You slept for a long time. Everything okay?”

Remus couldn’t look up at Sirius’ face, where he was sure he’d find  an expression full of kindness. He was already on the verge of tears and looking up was surely going to make them fall. 

“For how long?” he asked, grateful that his voice didn’t betray the oncoming waterworks. 

“The entire day,” Sirius answered. His hand brushed against the back of Remus’ head so briefly Remus wondered if it had been an accident. 

The entire day.  

So, Sirius hadn’t moved either? For the entire day?

“I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be,” Sirius interrupted. “I didn’t mind. I had to shoo Molly off more than once, though. She wanted to wake you up to eat, but I said your stomach would wake you eventually.”

Remus was hungry, now that he thought about it. It made sense, since he hadn’t eaten in well over a day. He could never stomach much food before the full, and after… It was always difficult. 

Carefully, he sat up from Sirius’ lap. Immediately, his headache got a lot worse and he had to suppress the urge to bring a hand up to rub at his temple.

He still couldn’t quite look Sirius in the eye, but he felt like he had to say something. He’d just spent the whole day napping on Sirius, effectively stopping him from doing anything at all. 

“You haven’t eaten either?” was what came out of his mouth once he felt like he could open it again.

“Not really,” Sirius admitted. 

Not really? What kind of an answer was that, you either eat or you don’t—

Sirius continued before Remus had time to voice his protests, “I was kind of waiting for you and I didn’t want to wake you. You were really out of it this morning. And then… this took kind of a long time…” Sirius trailed off. Remus tried not to feel even more guilty. “Everyone’s at the meeting, though. Can’t raid the kitchen without also having to explain why we weren’t there to begin with.” 

“Oh, right.” 

“If you think you can wait, I’m sure it won’t take too long…” Sirius grew silent again. Remus kept looking pointedly away. “Are you… Is everything… I don’t know what I’m asking.”

Remus sighed. He knew what Sirius was asking.

“I just… I haven’t really seen you this… bad. You know… before,” Sirius continued. His voice was barely above a whisper, as if he wanted to stop anyone else from hearing what he had to say. Maybe he was afraid the walls had ears. But that meant Remus had to also strain his hearing to know what Sirius had said.

“Yeah,” Remus said, voice equally quiet. “It’s… it’s not usually like this. I just haven’t really slept well before the moon and then…” He didn’t finish.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Sirius nodding slowly, but didn’t say anything. 

Neither of them spoke, just kept sitting next to each other on the sofa in very uncomfortable silence. 

“Are you hurt?” Sirius finally asked.

If it had been anyone else asking Remus would have instantly denied, even though it was a clear lie. But this was just Sirius. So he nodded. 

“Do you want… help?” Sirius’ question was timid, like he was afraid Remus would get angry at him for asking. He might have, in the past. When he’d been insistent on getting through everything himself. But he was so tired now.

“I don’t— There’s nothing you can do.” Nothing Remus hadn’t already tried himself. “I healed what I could and what I couldn’t… can’t be healed with magic. You know this.” 

“I do know that,” Sirius said slowly. “Does your head hurt?” Remus instantly stopped rubbing at his temple, like he’d been caught doing something forbidden. It did hurt, so much. He simply nodded again. Sirius was far from stupid, it wouldn’t do Remus much good to try and deny what he was currently suffering through. 

Sirius seemed to hesitate for a moment. “Can I?”

Remus turned to face him fully and saw that Sirius had lifted his hand to Remus’ shoulder, not quite touching. 

“If you’re asking for permission to touch me, go ahead,” Remus said and tried to keep his tone level, even as his cheeks heated up. “It’s not like I asked before demolishing your personal space this morning.”

Sirius chuckled and grabbed Remus’ shoulder. He didn’t allow Remus to wonder even for a second what he planned as he tugged on the shoulder hard enough that had Remus not been actively resisting, Sirius would have easily gotten Remus to fall over.

“Can you just… relax, for— Remus, I just want you to feel nice.” Sirius sounded exasperated.

Remus wanted to tell him he always made him feel nice, but his tongue had locked the moment Sirius tried to tip him over to lie down again. 

“Lie down, please,” Sirius said gently. “Put your head back— Yeah, that’s it.” 

Remus tried not to feel mortified when he found himself with his head back on Sirius’ thigh, looking directly up at Sirius. 

“Close your eyes,” Sirius commanded, tone still quiet and soft. “Close them, it’s creepy if you keep looking at me like that.”

It was Remus’ turn to chuckle as he lifted a hand to push Sirius’ off of his eyes, where he’d put it to cover them. 

“I— Remus, I’m being serious right now.”

“You’re always Sirius.”

“I can’t believe you would just say that in a moment like this.”

Remus couldn’t help but burst into actual laughter at this point. Sirius joined him and they spent a few long moments just trying to stop laughing. Every time Sirius tried removing his hand from Remus’ eyes, they made eye contact and started laughing again. 

“Close your eyes,” Sirius tried saying again, between fits of giggling. “Seriously— oh, for the love of—”

“I can’t help it, it’s too easy.”

“Then, let’s have a moment to appreciate the ridiculousness of my mother naming me Sirius,” Sirius finally declared. “Thank you, mum, for giving us endless opportunities for jokes.”

Somehow, Sirius bringing his mother into the conversation managed to sober both men up enough that they could finally just look at each other in silence. 

“Eyes,” Sirius reminded him.

“I will, I just want to know what you— Oh.” Remus didn’t get the chance to protest properly when Sirius slipped his other hand under Remus’ head and, immediately, his deft fingers started working on the tense muscles of his neck. 

“Not the most ideal position for this, but it’ll have to do,” Sirius mumbled, almost as if to himself. The low timbre of his voice combined with the hand on Remus’ neck and the other now resting on his chest immediately relaxed Remus so much he briefly thought he’d simply fallen asleep again. 

He did close his eyes like Sirius had asked, if only for the fact that he wasn’t going to be able to keep them open for much longer anyway. 

“I…” Sirius hesitated. Remus fought the urge to open his eyes. “Can I touch your face?”

“Mhmm.” He’d meant to answer verbally, but found that he was unable to utter even the simple word. 

Sirius’ fingers smoothed over his forehead. “Relax,” he said quietly again. “You’re frowning.”

“Sorry.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

Sirius continued to run his fingers over Remus’ brows, the action strangely soothing. 

“I’ll fall back asleep,” Remus managed to mumble.

“Would that be so bad?” Sirius asked, his voice coming from somewhere very far away.

“I’m hungry,” Remus answered, which made Sirius laugh quietly. Remus immediately remembered why that was the best sound he’d ever heard. It filled him with joy, sparkles of it busting in his chest, and, strangely… longing. For a different time. A time where he could have had this for a lot longer. A different future where he would be able to hear Sirius laughing all the time and it would be all for him.

A place where he could ask Sirius to touch him all the time. Or, he wouldn’t have to ask because Sirius would know he’d want it.

Instantly, Remus was ashamed of his own thoughts. Sirius was being a good friend to him and here he was… lusting after him like a horny teenager.

He couldn’t stop himself from getting up abruptly, the motion of it making him momentarily dizzy. 

“Headache better?” Sirius asked him, not even slightly bothered by the fact that Remus hadn’t said anything before wanting to stop. Like he’d been prepared that at some point it would become too much for Remus and he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“Yes,” Remus answered, surprised to find that the simple actions Sirius had performed had rendered him relatively pain-free. “How did you know to do that?”

“It’s what I used to do for—” Sirius cut himself off. “Well. This house was nightmare fuel sometimes. Literally. I got really good at making it better.”

Remus was fairly certain Sirius had been about to say he’d done this for his younger brother, when they’d been children. He chose to remain silent; Regulus had never been a good topic of conversation with Sirius. 

He couldn’t help but wonder how Sirius felt, having to live in this house where he was constantly being reminded of his family, who hadn’t been the greatest people. That much Remus knew for certain, even if Sirius hadn’t really ever told him any details. James had been the one Sirius confided in, while Remus had just been… there. 

“Thank you,” he said instead of blurting out something rude and turned back to face Sirius, hoping that at least the sincerity could be heard in his voice. He was immediately rewarded with the warmest smile from Sirius, which knocked all the air out of Remus’ lungs. He wanted to smile back and he probably managed at least something, because he could swear Sirius’ gaze softened ever so slightly. 

Their moment was ruined by the loud growling of Remus’ stomach.  

“I think they might be done soon,” Sirius laughed and stood up, all tenderness gone from his tone and replaced with his usual cheerfulness. The one Remus knew was mostly fake these days. Was it fake now as well? “We can go lurk on the stairs. And then we’ll get you some food.”

“You as well,” Remus reminded him. Sirius shot him a simple smile and extended a hand to help Remus up and off the sofa. 

Once they were both standing, Sirius somewhat awkwardly lifted a hand to clap Remus on the shoulder, the action such a stark contrast to the gentleness he just treated Remus with, Remus was momentarily stunned and simply stood where he was. 

Sirius didn’t seem to notice Remus’ reaction as he’d already turned to leave the drawing room and peer down the stairs.

Remus walked over to him and looked down as well.

Sirius had been right, the meeting was done and the various members of the Order were currently pooling in the hallway, waiting to get out in increments, so as to not rouse suspicion in the Muggle neighbourhood. 

“Molly probably has something prepared,” Sirius said quietly next to Remus. “Let’s go.”

The kitchen served as their meeting room for two reasons: it was large enough to house dozens of people and it was stocked with food. Molly had taken it upon herself to keep everyone in the Order well fed and sure enough, she was still in the kitchen as Sirius and Remus entered.

“Remus!” she greeted him warmly. “I was about to send someone for you, I know what Sirius said but it is simply not healthy to go the whole day without food.” 

“Thank you, but I was fine,” Remus said and chuckled to himself when he caught a glimpse of the sour look on Sirius’ face. He knew Sirius hated being judged, but especially by Molly, who in turn seemed to find nearly everything Sirius did questionable. 

“Don’t think I forgot about you.” Molly quickly turned to Sirius, who instantly tried to school his expression into a more neutral one. She continued grumbling even as she motioned them to sit down at the table, “Honestly, you could have gotten up, eaten and then slept in a real bed.” 

Remus smiled at Molly’s exasperation. He thought she might have been right, at least his back would probably thank him more if he’d slept in his own bed, but his heart soared at the thought of Sirius holding him, Sirius idly playing with his hair as he slept, Sirius spending the whole day with him — even if he had slept through all of it…

“Here you are.” A steaming plate of some type of stew was placed in front of him. The smell of the food filled the air and, to his immense disappointment, Remus was instantly hit with a wave of nausea.

It wasn’t often that he didn’t want to eat whatever food he could come by, but sometimes — no matter how hungry he was — his brain decided that his food was inedible. 

However, he didn’t want to seem rude, and he was starving, so he slowly tried to eat the bowl of food, one very careful spoonful at a time. 

Thankfully Molly had moved on to fuss about something other than him and Sirius, so they were left alone. 

Having managed to eat around half a bowl, Remus decided that would have to be enough for tonight. He lifted his gaze and saw Sirius looking at him with a peculiar expression on his face. 

“I… guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought,” Remus whispered in explanation. Sirius didn’t look convinced, but didn’t say anything. 

With a frown of his own, Remus looked at Sirius’ half-eaten food. It seemed like Sirius hadn’t quite gotten his appetite back, either. 

What a pair they made.

Despite having slept for at least eight or nine hours, Remus found that he still felt exhausted. The walk downstairs had tired his legs all over again and he briefly wondered if he could make it back upstairs again. 

“Are you still tired?” Sirius asked him in a low voice. Simultaneously, Remus was grateful and ashamed that Sirius was so perceptive. 

Remus nodded. “But first I kind of want to steep in the bath for at least an hour,” he confessed.

“Like a tea bag,” Sirius said, nodding solemnly. 

Remus couldn’t help the barking laugh he let out at that. It got Molly to turn back around to face them. 

“Oh, you didn’t eat any more?” she asked, clearly trying to hide the disappointment in her voice.

“Sorry, Molly,” Sirius answered in Remus’ stead. “Appetite’s not quite what it used to be. And Remus is still feeling the effects of the moon.”

Remus marvelled at the way Sirius handled things for him so effortlessly. He’d done it for the entire day and continued to do it even now. Remus wondered if it was even a conscious decision on Sirius’ part, or if they were regaining back the way they used to be so in tune with each other that they could easily tell what the other wanted without having to say anything out loud.

The warmth that filled him because of that thought reminded him of nights spent in front of a fireplace, at another time, so far ago it felt like a completely different lifetime. Something that felt like it had happened to someone else, or something he’d perhaps read in a book. A book where nothing bad had ever happened to any of the characters, where they got to have a happily ever after and there was no evil to be defeated. 

Shaking himself free of his thoughts, Remus was met with Sirius still looking at him. This time he could clearly read worry in his expression and realised he’d probably been staring off into nothingness and very likely missed something Sirius — or Molly — had said to him.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “Did you say something?”

“I asked if you think you can walk upstairs or if I should just Apparate us,” Sirius said, the look of concern never leaving his beautiful features. “But I think I just got my answer.”

“Sorry—” Remus started to say, but was once again cut off by Sirius, who waved a noncommittal hand in his direction.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Remus was very much worrying about it. He worried about everything these days. He couldn’t help it. The way he’d been left to fend for himself for so long… it hadn’t come without repercussions. 

But Sirius looked like he would quickly grow annoyed at Remus’ constant apologising, so he made a mental note to stop doing that.

“Come.” Sirius had stood up and was offering a hand to Remus again. He took it, Sirius’ hand warm in his, feeling like it belonged there, like it had always belonged there. 

There were tiny scars on Sirius’ hands, catching in the light when Sirius turned his hand in Remus’. Remus wanted to run his thumb across them, to see if they felt the same as his, or somehow distinctly Sirius. Those must have been new, he didn’t remember Sirius’ hands looking like that in the past. Although, he could be wrong. It wasn’t easy trying to remember something from 13 years ago. He’d almost forgotten what Sirius looked like.

Almost.

The tug in his stomach caught him off guard and he let out a small yelp when Sirius Apparated them straight upstairs.

“Sorry, I should have warned you,” Sirius said instantly and let go of Remus’ hand. Remus stifled the feeling of disappointment and the urge to reach back out, to have Sirius’ hand to hold for the rest of the evening, the rest of his life.

They were in Remus’ room. The one he’d claimed for himself the first day they’d been here. It was still bare, no personal items to speak of. He wasn’t sure he’d dare put anything in here. It didn’t feel right; this wasn’t his house. It was Sirius’. No matter how many times Sirius told him that Remus was more than welcome to treat this place as his own… he just couldn’t.

“Wait here,” Sirius said and, before Remus could say anything, disappeared through the door.

Remus wondered what he was supposed to be doing. He could go to bed, which he apparently hadn’t even bothered to make before he’d left. It was the only thing that made the room look lived in and looked very cosy and inviting at the moment.

“Come.” Sirius appeared briefly back in the doorway, motioning for Remus to follow him out. 

He got out of his room just in time to see Sirius disappear into the bathroom. He stepped in behind Sirius and stopped in his tracks.

Sirius had drawn him a bath. A very hot one, judging from the steady stream of steam rising from the tub.

His muscles immediately relaxed from him just thinking about getting in.

“You should probably mix some cold water in,” Sirius was saying, right next to him, suddenly so close. “It looks like it would feel like soup. I wouldn’t want you to boil.”

Remus was now keenly aware of Sirius’ hand resting on his lower back, the touch strangely intimate compared to the last few moments he’d spent with Sirius, yet so much like when he’d woken up and Sirius hadn’t yet realised he’d been awake. All of this made his head swim. Or maybe that was because he was still tired. 

“I’d love to boil,” Remus distantly heard his own voice jokingly saying. “Maybe then I could actually feel something.” 

Sirius laughed and Remus had a hard time deciphering whether it was a genuine laugh or not. 

While Remus was grateful Sirius had listened to his desires back in the kitchen, and he actually did want nothing more right now than to sink into the tub and rest his still aching muscles and joints… he wasn’t actually sure he’d manage to stay awake.

And Sirius hadn’t left. He hadn’t made any moves to leave. Remus didn’t want him to. In fact, Sirius briefly looked like he’d want to join Remus in the tub.

He wondered if it would be too much to just ask Sirius to stay. In the room. Not to join him in the bath, that would definitely be too much.

“I might drown.”

Sirius jerked his head to the side, to look at Remus, as if this was the first time he’d considered that possibility. 

“It’s not big enough to swim in,” Sirius said with a smile. “Trust me, I’ve tried.” 

“I… no, I meant… I might fall asleep. And then drown.”

“I know what you meant,” Sirius said with an odd tone to his voice. It didn’t escape Remus’ notice how Sirius’ hand was still pressing against him, a little more forcefully now, pushing him further inside the bathroom. “I could… er, I’ll… sit with you?” The question was timid again, Sirius not looking at Remus, but rather at the wall. “If you’d want that?”

“I—”

“To make sure you don’t drown.” 

“To make sure I don’t drown,” Remus allowed. He ignored the way his cheeks must have been crimson by now. 

Sirius finally let go of Remus and turned to close the door. He stayed turned around and Remus took that to mean he was letting Remus get undressed in peace. How considerate of him. 

Remus shed off his clothes and deposited them on the closed lid of the toilet. He felt a little disgusted thinking about how he’d been wearing those clothes for well over a day, how he’d slept in them as well.

The water was definitely hotter than he would normally have it, but it felt amazing on his aching joints. 

His hiss of pleasure (or maybe it had been pain) got Sirius moving again. 

Remus panicked for a moment, thinking he’d definitely not make it out alive from this experience if Sirius decided to sit facing him the entire time he was in the bath.

Thankfully, Sirius seemed to be thinking something along similar lines, because he chose to sit on the floor with his back against the tub, and rested his head on the edge. He was so close Remus could have easily touched him if he reached a hand out. He suppressed the urge.

“I’m sorry I spoke for you,” Sirius broke the silence.

“Huh?” 

“Back in the kitchen,” Sirius explained. “I— you seemed a little out of it so when Molly asked I just… made something up on the spot. Sorry.”

“No that’s… It was fine.”

They fell silent again after that. Remus tried to focus on what the water felt like. Again, he had to resist the urge to run his fingers through Sirius’ hair. His head was just… there. Remus would only have to reach out and he could feel—

“Can you tell me… something?” he had to get Sirius talking, or he’d be too far in his own head to function. 

Sirius’ head jerked his way, not quite looking at Remus. “Oh,” he said and Remus could practically see inside Sirius’ head, see him trying to quickly come up with something to say. “I suppose… Actually, do you know what Harry told me the other day?”

Remus listened to Sirius’ story, humming when appropriate, laughing when prompted, and scrubbed himself clean in the meantime. 

Sirius’ steady voice faded into background noise for Remus after that. His head suddenly felt like it was too heavy for his body. He was just going to rest his head against the edge of the tub for a moment—

“Remus?”

“Hmm?” He definitely had trouble lifting his head now. 

“I’m doing my duty of ‘don’t let Remus drown in the tub’,” Sirius said. Remus lifted his head up the rest of the way to see Sirius looking at him, having turned all the way around to face him, but was thankfully still sitting on the floor. 

“Oh,” Remus said, voice somehow groggy. “Did I— I didn’t actually fall asleep, did I?”

“You were about to, at least,” Sirius shrugged, but Remus could see it took him a lot of effort to seem nonchalant. Remus hadn’t meant for Sirius to actually have to save him from drowning; he felt terrible.

“Enough bathing for me, then.” Remus fought to keep his tone light. He felt the exhaustion again, nowhere near as debilitating as it had been in the morning, but still very present. He yanked the plug out with his foot and watched as the water started to drain.

“Yeah, probably for the best,” Sirius agreed and quickly stood up from the floor. Remus could see him wobbling a little on his feet and wondered how long they’d been in here. It clearly hadn’t been good for Sirius to be sitting on the hard bathroom floor for extended periods of time. 

Sirius clearly tried to avert his gaze and simultaneously hand Remus a towel he’d procured somewhere when Remus hadn’t been looking.

Remus could only think about how he would be able to get out of the somewhat slippery wet tub without making a complete fool of himself. He’d made it this far today, slipping in the tub and cracking his head open would be an embarrassing way to die.

Sirius seemed to be expecting something similar, as he waited until Remus was fully out of the tub, both feet planted on the bathroom floor, before he turned to unlock the door. 

“There are some clean clothes for you on the toilet seat,” he said and promptly left the room, not giving Remus a chance to ask when he’d had time to get new clothes, and where he had put Remus’ old ones. 

He decided to take his time getting ready for bed, mostly because he was once again feeling the grogginess of incoming sleep. He wouldn’t want to accidentally stab himself in the throat with a toothbrush. So, he would take however much time he needed.

He’d expected Sirius to have left to his own room, a floor above Remus’, but once Remus entered his room, he found Sirius sitting on his bed. His unmade bed. 

“Oh, I thought you’d…” 

“Had to see my duty to the end, didn’t I?” Sirius joked. “I know you only said not to let you drown, but I took that to mean I have to see that you get safely to bed.”

Remus flushed to what he was certain was a very lovely shade of crimson. His skin was already a little red, leftover from his very hot bath, but now even more so.

Sirius didn’t move from his spot by the foot of his bed as Remus quickly moved over and burrowed under the covers, suddenly feeling like he was about to be tucked in bed like a child. 

Sirius was slow to move even after that. 

Various thoughts were racing through Remus’ mind. He was sure the nap he’d taken — if it could even be called that; he had slept the entire day, and he was pretty sure that was, by definition, not a nap — with Sirius had been the best he’d slept in a long time. 

Could he ask Sirius to sleep with him, in his bed? Would that be weird? They’d shared the occasional bed as teenagers, mostly out of necessity whenever one of them had accidentally vanished their bed. Now that he thought about it, he was pretty sure they lost their beds far more often than regular teenagers. He couldn’t even remember why.

Sirius shifted on the bed as if finally getting up to leave.

“Don’t leave,” Remus managed to whisper, tone almost panicked. “Please.”

He couldn’t hear Sirius’ mumbled answer, but he’d stopped moving and sat back down. That was good enough for Remus and he closed his eyes and promptly fell asleep, feeling the weight of Sirius’ hand on his leg. 

*

When Remus woke up the next time, it was because someone was thrashing next to him.

It was dark and for a moment Remus was confused as to why he was awake, and then, when he realised what was happening, even more confused why someone was in his bed with him.

Then he knew who it must be. Logically, there was only one person it could be. Again.

“Sirius.” He reached a tentative hand over to Sirius, who was somehow very close to him. And lying parallel to him. “Wake up, you’re—”

Sirius’ hand found his and squeezed. Hard. It hurt, but Remus didn’t mind it. Not right now.

He wasn’t sure if Sirius was still dreaming or not, but at least he’d stopped moving. Remus squeezed his hand back and it seemed to help some more. 

Now that Remus wasn’t in panic mode anymore, he had time to think a little. Sirius hadn’t left. At all. He’d stayed and was now sleeping — or, actually, having what seemed like a horrible nightmare — next to him.

From what Remus could see in the darkness, a frown marred Sirius’ features and his eyes were still closed. But he wasn’t moving as much anymore, so Remus was unsure if he should try and wake Sirius up. 

He knew from experience that his own nightmares only stopped once he woke up. Based solely on that, he decided he would wake Sirius.

Since Sirius was still holding onto Remus’ hand in his sleep, Remus wiggled his other one from underneath himself to lightly touch Sirius’ shoulder, which he hoped would wake him gently and wouldn’t cause any more distress.

It worked. Sirius woke with a gasp and Remus could immediately see his eyes darting around the dark room as he sat up quickly. 

“Wh—?” 

Anticipating the possible questions Sirius didn’t quite manage to voice, Remus quietly said, “We’re at Grimmauld Place, your… your house. It’s the middle of the night, probably three or four in the morning. And I’m Remus.”

“You’re Remus,” Sirius repeated and visibly relaxed.

Remus’ eyes had had time to get used to the darkness, but Sirius was clearly still apprehensive about it.

“And there are no—?” Sirius cut himself off, still looking around and refusing to lie back down.

No what? Remus wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what Sirius was looking for. Dementors, perhaps?

“No,” he said anyway, despite not really knowing what Sirius wanted to know. 

Again, it worked and Sirius all but slumped back down on the bed. 

Remus didn’t question him why he was still here. He didn’t want to make Sirius feel unwelcome. Because he wasn’t. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sirius shook his head so violently the bed shook with it. 

“It didn’t happen to me,” Sirius said, a desperate tone in his voice. 

“Sirius—”

“It didn’t happen to me,” Sirius repeated, more forcefully this time. “It was someone else. It happened to someone else.” Remus could hear the tears in his voice, even if he couldn’t really see Sirius’ face anymore now that he was lying down.

“Okay,” Remus tried placating him. “Okay. If you say so.”

They were still holding hands, Remus wasn’t sure if Sirius had even noticed.

“What do you—? Do you think you can get back to sleep?” Remus asked in a whisper, like speaking louder would somehow spook Sirius and he’d want to leave. 

Sirius had helped him, he was going to help Sirius. Even if Sirius hadn’t done all the things he had for Remus today, he’d still do anything for Sirius right now. He just didn’t know what to do.

“Talk to me? Tell me something?” Sirius asked, in a repeat of Remus’ earlier question, in the bath. 

Remus had to think for a moment. “This one time, when I was teaching at Hogwarts, Peeves…”

He didn’t comment on the way Sirius inched closer to him until his forehead was resting against Remus’ chest as he quietly spoke, Remus’ arm instinctively going around him to hold him closer. To hold him safe. 

*

“You should tell Sirius how you feel.”

Whatever Remus had been anticipating Tonks would say to him while they were keeping an eye on the house of a known Death Eater, that hadn’t been it.

“Huh?” he said eloquently and nearly dropped his wand, which he’d been idly twirling around in his hand. Not the wisest past-time, given what they were currently doing, but this was keeping his mind occupied. This mission was too boring for him. 

He was no longer bored, though. His heart had started hammering in his chest and he was certain Tonks could hear it, if not the Death Eater himself as well, inside his house.

“You should tell Sirius how you feel,” Tonks repeated. Remus wasn’t sure if he should tell her he heard her the first time, or pretend he didn’t even the second time.

He stilled his wand in his hand and turned to look intently at the front door of the house. 

“We’re not stupid, you know,” Tonks continued, tone conversational.

“Who’s we? ” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Tonks glancing at him, her gaze boring into the side of his face. “Well, Molly and… everyone.”

“ Everyone? ” 

There was no way, no way, he’d been so transparent in his desperate feelings that he’d broadcasted it around the house enough that everyone apparently knew. 

“No, actually,” she said gently, as if sensing his growing distress. “Just Molly and me.”

“And you’ve discussed me with Molly?” Remus didn’t know whether the thought made him more uncomfortable or anxious. Maybe that was the same feeling.

“Not exactly,” Tonks said, lowering her voice when they spotted a figure in a window, looking outside. They should be well in the cover of darkness, but that cover would be all for naught if they gave away their position by talking too loudly. “Molly expressed how she was… glad that Sirius has you around the house, so that he’s not completely… alone.”

Remus had a feeling she’d been about to use a different word to describe how Sirius acted around the house.

“Like I’m there right now?” Guilt stabbed him in the gut when he thought about Sirius, having to sleep alone. He thought about the way Sirius had woken up, panicked, not knowing where he was. 

“This is…” Tonks bit her lip, unsure how to continue. “You’re doing important work.” 

“Am I, though?” Remus asked, indicating the now completely dark house. “We’re supposed to log this person’s every move, outside his house. But it’s night. He’s fucking sleeping. Like I wish I was.”

That got Tonks to let out a quiet laugh. 

“I just think you could —”

“I don’t… want to talk about Sirius,” Remus interrupted. “We’re doing important work here. We should focus on that.”

He could see Tonks giving him an exasperated look, but he chose to ignore it. It wasn’t like she knew anything, really. 

Sure, he liked Sirius, he loved how Sirius made him feel safe and trusted and warm…

They were there for each other. The only ones left from their friend group, of course they’d be there for each other. 

And Sirius liked him. As friends. He knew that much. 

Definitely.

There wasn’t anything to tell Sirius. 

*

Remus wasn’t sure when he’d become the person to go on all of the nighttime missions, but here he was, yet again, scrambling back to Grimmauld Place very late at night. Or was it very early in the morning? He couldn’t exactly tell, the sun hadn’t risen yet; he knew it rose around five in the morning this time of year. But he thought it was getting significantly lighter by the minute while he was making his way over to the house.

They’d been warned not to keep Apparating in the vicinity of the house, so he’d chosen to do it a few blocks away and walk back, eerily reminiscent of his awkward stumbling not even a few weeks ago after that full moon.

He was definitely more awake this time. Actually, he wasn’t tired, at all. Which was somewhat odd, considering he’d just spent most of the night on Order business and had, once again, slept horribly the previous night. 

He made it inside the house, bypassing the various locks on the door and heading straight for the kitchen for some tea. 

He’d assumed no one would be awake at this hour, but there was a figure already sitting at the table when he made it over to the kitchen. He managed to startle both himself and the person sitting at the table by barging in rather loudly. 

“Sorry,” he said immediately, watching as tea spilled all over the table, the empty cup swaying slowly from side to side. “Oh, Sirius.”

Of all the people that could have been in the kitchen this early, Remus’ heart leapt only at the sight of this one. 

“Remus,” Sirius greeted back, oddly polite. “I was… I didn’t expect you to be coming here after your… thing.”

“But you were expecting me to come back around this time?” Had Sirius been… waiting for him? 

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t sleep, so I came down here to eat,” Sirius explained, having already cleaned up the mess he’d made with a wave of his wand.

Remus refrained from mentioning that he wasn’t seeing any food on the table, just Sirius’ now empty cup of tea. 

“Do you want some more? I can make some,” Remus offered. “Seeing as I’m the reason your cup is currently empty.”

“Yes,” Sirius answered. “Please.”

With his cup of tea, Remus was now faced with the question of where to sit. Would he be too forward to sit next to Sirius, or should he go for the chair opposite of him? The thought of the two of them sitting awkwardly on the opposite sides of the rather large table was enough to make the decision for Remus. 

He pulled out the chair next to Sirius and sat down with both cups, sliding Sirius’ over to him. 

Sirius accepted it wordlessly and resumed staring at seemingly nothing. Dark circles around his eyes told Remus that Sirius hadn’t slept well in a while. It wasn’t like it was news to him, but sitting here, seeing his friend sleep deprived, nursing a cup of tea but not drinking it, opened up some pit deep in Remus’ stomach and he hated it.

“Did you… sleep at all?” Now it was Remus’ turn to ask timid questions. 

“No,” Sirius answered. “It was pretty dark.”

It usually was, during the night. Most people would prefer that, but Remus had a feeling he knew why Sirius didn’t. It wasn’t too difficult to guess.

Sirius kicked Remus under the table. Accidentally, Remus was sure; it had been a very light kick. Maybe Sirius hadn’t even noticed it himself. But Remus had. Sirius wasn’t even looking at Remus, instead staring down at the table.

Sirius looked like he hadn’t slept in days. In fact, Remus wasn’t sure he’d even seen Sirius in days, now that he thought about it. He’d been here, but what had he himself been doing? The days seemed to blend into one, one mission after another, news, no news, pain, no pain—

“Next full moon’s in a week, isn’t it?” 

Sirius’ sudden question yanked Remus out of his thoughts. Had the kick not been accidental, after all? Had Sirius tried to get Remus’ attention somehow, and he’d just ignored him, so Sirius had resorted to kicking him?

“Yeah,” he said. 

“What’s your plan?” 

What was his plan? He didn’t have one. He hadn’t exactly planned the previous one either.

Sirius’ leg was touching Remus’ under the table. Was that intentional? It would be so easy to just open his mouth, to ask Sirius… what, exactly? ‘Hey, your leg is currently resting against mine, did you mean anything by that or was it just a coincidence?’ 

“I guess I’ll just—”

“I could come with you,” Sirius interrupted. “As Padfoot. Keep you company.”

“No, Sirius—” The words spilled out of his mouth faster than he had time to stop them. “It’s not—”

“Safe? I know.” Sirius sounded so dejected. “We had a nice and long conversation about it with Dumbledore. Twice.”

Remus opened his mouth to say something, anything, when Sirius finally looked up at him, making Remus instantly close his mouth at the look on Sirius’ face. “I’m going to lose my mind here. Well… more than I already have.”

“I know.”

Sirius didn’t look away, but the expression on his face changed minutely. Remus was sure he could see hurt, along with the already present anguish. Wrong thing to say, then.

“I meant—”

“I’m starting to feel like it was a really bad idea to come here, to this house.” Sirius didn’t acknowledge what Remus had said at all. “I definitely didn’t miss sneaking around so as not to irritate my mother. Even in death her presence haunts me. It’s like she knew I would someday come back and she put her painting where I wouldn’t miss it.”

“Sirius—”

“And have you heard Kreacher talking? I almost forgot he existed, but here he still is. All of this is absolutely—”

Sirius’ speech cut off abruptly when Remus hooked his foot behind Sirius’ ankle, effectively liking their legs together. Sirius had started it, but now it seemed like he hadn’t been aware of what he was doing. 

“I’m sorry,” Remus said. “I would take you out of here if I could.”

He wasn’t sure how much his words would mean to Sirius, but he had to say them. He hoped Sirius didn’t feel any bitterness about the fact that Remus was constantly gone.

Sirius looked away. “I didn’t mean to make you feel responsible.”

“You didn’t,” Remus assured him, although he wasn’t quite sure he meant it. There had been accusation in Sirius’ words, like Remus could somehow decide that Sirius suddenly wasn’t an escaped convict any longer and it would be safe for him to join Remus during the full moon. Safe for him to leave the house altogether. “I would want nothing more than to make you feel better, but I’m just not… I don’t know how. ”

Sirius glanced back at him. “I don’t know how, either.” He raised his cup to his lips and drank, finally. 

Remus did the same, drank the already lukewarm liquid like it was the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted. Absent-mindedly, he thought he could have easily heated it back up. But right now, all he could think about was how he wanted this conversation to be over, but perhaps this was what could make Sirius feel a little better. 

“I feel like I’ve just traded one prison for another,” Sirius said after a while. Remus chose to stay quiet. “Last year… wasn’t that great, but I was doing something. I felt like I was actually helping Harry, but now…”

“If it helps…” Remus began, but wasn’t sure if the conversation was light enough for some joking. He decided to go for it anyway. “I’m not so sure I’m doing much.”

Sirius raised his brows, but before he had time to refute Remus’ claims, Remus continued, “Just the other night Tonks and I spent the entire night squatting outside a Death Eater’s home, you know, after the day shift had been following him around the whole day, reporting on his movements and such. Do you know what he did?” A rhetorical question, but Sirius shook his head regardless. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing. We were there freezing our arses off and he was probably sleeping, all cosy in his own bed.”

That got Sirius to smirk a little. Success.

“You’ve been eyeing men other than me?” Sirius asked, with a hint of mock incredulousness that made Remus laugh. Then he caught onto what Sirius had said and his breath hitched in his throat. A joke. It had just been a joke. Sirius joked all the time. At least, he’d used to. 

“I, uh—”

Sirius was looking at him, so intensely that Remus was left wondering if it had been just a joke. Or, it obviously was, Remus knew Sirius knew that the mission was about keeping tabs on the known Death Eaters who had somehow convinced the Ministry of their innocence last time. But the implication that Remus was somehow… involved with Sirius—

Remus’ ears picked up the approaching footsteps faster than Sirius’ did, but he didn’t want this moment to end. Damn whoever was about to come in through that door.

“Morning!” came the all too chipper greeting of one Nymphadora Tonks from the doorway. Remus suppressed a groan while Sirius quickly untangled his legs from Remus’, even though Tonks wouldn’t even see them unless she came closer.

Which she did, of course she did.

“This tea old?” 

“Er…” Remus hesitated. He had no idea what time it had been when he arrived, but the clock on the wall showed it was half five right now.

“Around an hour or so,” Sirius supplied. “I wouldn’t drink that anymore, but help yourself.”

An hour? They’d been sitting here for an hour? 

“Maybe I’ll go for coffee instead,” Tonks said with a glare in the kettle’s direction, as if it had been at fault that the tea had been sitting for over an hour. 

“You’re up early,” she said while flitting about in the kitchen in her usually chaotic way. Remus was surprised she hadn’t managed to drop any cups yet, with the way she was handling them. “Do you want any?”

Both Remus and Sirius declined. What Remus wanted was to go to bed and sleep, but he didn’t want to leave Sirius, as distraught as he had been earlier. 

Watching Sirius now, it looked like he had managed to have composed himself enough that Tonks didn’t seem to be picking up on that anything was wrong. Remus wouldn’t have been able to see that anything was out of the ordinary, had he not been sitting right here with Sirius the whole time.

“I think I’ll go to bed,” Remus announced. “I was gone for most of the night.”

Sirius didn’t show any indication of moving from his place, even as Remus stood up. 

“Okay,” Tonks said, cheerful as ever. “Good night— no, it’s not night, is it? Uh, sleep well?”

“I’ll try,” Remus chuckled, trying not to feel hurt by the way Sirius only waved a hand in his direction. 

*

This time, the full moon went over smoothly. Or, as smoothly as it could.

Remus could at least function properly this time, the whole day after. He’d taken a little nap in the morning and slept the whole subsequent night.

He was tired, constantly, but he seemed to be cursed with living like that for the rest of his life.

The problem came the night after that. Three nights, in fact. 

He was sure both he and Sirius were awake during those nights, yet neither sought the other out. Remus had been with Sirius nearly every day — as a result of his guilt for being gone all the time — and he’d observed how moody Sirius had been, to the point that he barely even spoke a word to Remus. 

Somehow, Remus knew it was about him. The fact that he hadn’t let Sirius come with him for the full moon. 

Which was why he was standing outside Sirius’ bedroom right now, contemplating whether to knock or not. 

Would Sirius be annoyed with him coming all the way up to his room? It was late, not yet late enough that either of them would be asleep — if they could — but definitely too late for normal chatting. 

Before he could talk himself out of it even more, Remus raised a fist to knock softly on the door. 

When there was no answer for a very long time, he realised he didn’t even know if Sirius was inside. He’d assumed he was, but how much time did Sirius like spending there anyway? As far as Remus knew, he was more likely to be with Buckbeak than in his own bedroom. Remus had simply come straight up here, without even checking the room they’d put the Hippogriff in. 

He was about to turn back downstairs, when Sirius’ door opened a crack and Sirius’ sullen face peered at Remus from the opening. 

“Oh, it’s you,” Sirius breathed out. “I was expecting it to be— I’m not so sure who I was expecting, actually.”

“Can I come in?” Remus blurted, trying to ignore Sirius’ rambling.

Sirius looked a little taken aback, but recovered quickly and stepped back from the door, allowing Remus to slip inside. He closed the door behind him 

“I’m sorry,” Remus said immediately when the door closed and Sirius walked over to his bed to sit down. 

“Don’t—”

“Don’t say not to apologise,” Remus interrupted, more forcefully than he’d intended. Softer, he continued, “I feel like you’re angry with me for something, and if it’s about me being gone all the time, I am sorry. I— you have been here for me in so many ways this whole time and I feel like I can’t… do the same.”

“It’s not your fault,” Sirius mumbled, barely audibly, but loud enough for Remus to catch. “You are helping, more than you know.”

“I am?” Remus was puzzled. It wasn’t that long ago when they’d had that conversation in the kitchen, where he’d been sure Sirius resented him for leaving all the time. 

“I’m not angry,” Sirius said, then immediately grimaced. “I’m not angry with you, ” he corrected. 

“Just with everything else?” Remus tried keeping his tone light and even managed a tired smile.

“You got it,” Sirius said and smiled back. “Come sit down,” he said, gesturing to the bed where he was also sitting. “Sorry for the lack of sitting space, I wasn’t really stocked up on furniture when I lived here and now… yeah.”

Sirius moved over to the other side of the relatively sizable bed, making room for Remus to sit, or even lie down if he wanted to. 

And he wanted to. 

He must have looked tired and like he was about to fall asleep standing where he was, because the next thing Sirius said was, “Shit! The moon! You must be so tired,” in a sort of endearing exclamation that made Remus’ heart unnecessarily flutter. 

“A little,” Remus admitted. ‘A little’ was nowhere near enough to convey the extent of his current exhaustion. Although, it wasn’t nearly as bad as—

“You weren’t… as exhausted this time, right?” Sirius’ question held a pleading tone, like he was willing Remus to say ‘no’. 

“No, I was fine,” Remus answered, already anticipating Sirius’ guilt about it. “You would have been the first to know if I wasn’t.”

Sirius smiled at that, and Remus felt comfortable enough to join him on the bed. 

“You can…” Sirius hesitated. “I mean, if you want to, you can… um…”

“Sirius Black, at a loss for words?” Remus couldn’t help but tease a little. He had no idea what had gotten Sirius so flustered all of a sudden, and he tried not to think too long about it. He’d merely sat down on the bed, and it turned out to be considerably closer to Sirius than he had anticipated. 

“Shut it,” Sirius said back, voice devoid of any bite. “I was just asking, because you know… I fell asleep on your bed a while back and I didn’t even ask you, oh Merlin, I didn’t even—”

“Sirius, it’s fine,” Remus hurried to interrupt. They hadn’t talked about the fact that Sirius had indeed slept in his bed — accidentally, as it now seemed like — nor how that night had ended, with Sirius falling asleep anew, safely tucked away in Remus’ arms. “Are you asking me to sleep in your bed?”

“Yes.” Sirius let out a stuttering breath, which got Remus to look at him properly. There was such a lovely flush adorning Sirius’ cheeks right now, and Remus was so close, he’d only need to lean in and—

“Have you been sleeping?” He had to distract himself from his own thoughts.

“In my bed? Every night,” Sirius answered. 

“Not where,” Remus said, smiling slightly. “I meant have you slept? ”

The look on Sirius’ face told Remus he’d already known what Remus had been asking, he’d just chosen not to answer, in a typical way of avoiding the question. 

“Not very well,” Sirius said simply. “Anyway, how are you feeling now?” he asked instead of giving Remus time to ask anything more. “Does your head hurt?”

“Not this time.” Immediately, the memory of Sirius’ cool hands on his neck, temples, relieving all the pain he’d ever felt, made him regret not lying. “I… it’s like I’m tired, exhausted even, still… but I can’t sleep,” Remus confessed. He had no qualms about telling Sirius exactly how badly he’d slept. Sirius simply nodded. “Everything… aches, but by this point I think that’s just going to be my life from this point onwards. And the tiredness. But I would like to be able to sleep properly.”

“Wait just a moment,” Sirius said quickly and got up to rummage around for a while. He came back over to the bed holding a book. “I know what’ll put you straight to sleep.”

Did Sirius intend to read him to sleep? Remus tried to turn his head to look at the title but Sirius pushed his cheek with a gentle hand. Sirius took back his place sitting up against the headboard. Remus stayed where he had been, trying not to make this awkward. As if he hadn’t already crossed that threshold by being in Sirius’ bed. 

“Try not to think about anything right now? The more you think about how much you need to fall asleep, the less likely you are to.” Sirius sounded like he was speaking from experience, but Remus chose not to comment on that.

Sirius was right, of course. Remus knew that. So, he tried focusing on the feeling of Sirius’ warmth next to him, Sirius’ hand still cupping his cheek. At that moment, Sirius seemed to unfortunately become aware of where he’d put his hand and abruptly let go.

“You need to lie down for this to work,” Sirius said and at the familiar words Remus was filled with the same sense of safety he had been that night when he’d woken up in the drawing room, being held by Sirius. 

He did as he was asked, sliding down on the bed until he was fully lying down, feeling a little awkward to have Sirius sitting up next to him. He managed to have a brief moment to wonder where he would put his head, when Sirius gently coaxed him to rest it on his thigh.

Remus was sure his face was red by this point. Sirius definitely didn’t seem to mind as his hand moved over to run through Remus’ hair, casual as ever. 

Sirius began reading, “‘ It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of —’”

Remus couldn’t help but snort a laugh. 

“I said don’t think about anything,” Sirius admonished lightly, but Remus could hear the smile in his voice.

“Where did you find that? ” Remus asked.

“I assumed it was yours at some point. I don’t have other friends who would read Muggle literature,” Sirius explained, idly brushing stray hairs off of Remus’ face. “Though, it could be Lily’s as well, I guess. I borrowed quite a lot of your books in Hogwarts.”

“Borrowed, as in stole? ” Remus laughed again. “I do think that one is mine, now that you mention it.”

“Permission to keep reading? This is so convoluted I don’t know what business a teenaged you had reading it.”

“That it certainly is,” Remus agreed. “Go ahead, then.” He was sure that just hearing Sirius’ voice would be enough to calm him to sleep, it had already worked many times and seemed like it would this time as well. 

In the end, Sirius was the one who ended up falling asleep. The way Remus could tell was when Sirius’ hand in his hair first slowed and then stopped completely, followed by Sirius’ other hand — the one holding the book — falling down and hitting Remus on the head.

If Remus had been about to fall asleep, he certainly no longer was. 

Remus worried about Sirius’ posture, falling asleep sitting up like that. Sirius’ head was already resting at an angle that Remus knew from experience would not feel good in his neck once he woke up.

Remus sat up and removed the book from Sirius’ hand. He reached over to place it on Sirius’ bedside table, where it precariously teetered atop what looked to be a stack of parchment. 

As gently as he could, Remus moved Sirius to lie down and then hesitated. Sirius had invited him… here. And Remus supposed even if Sirius hadn’t, Remus could use this as some sort of payback for the time Sirius had slept in his bed unannounced. He had to admit the book worked, even if it was Sirius who ended up falling asleep to it. But by the drowsy state Remus still found himself in, he thought he wouldn’t be that far behind, if he just allowed himself to.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he lay down next to Sirius, careful to keep his distance. They were lying on top of Sirius’ blanket, fully in their daytime wear, but that was secondary by this point. Sirius was successfully sleeping, and hopefully with Remus here, would continue to do so without nightmares.

Remus didn’t bother shutting the light, or even dimming it. Sirius had mentioned it had been too dark to sleep, so Remus took that to mean he’d prefer to have it on.

Remus’ jostling had made Sirius’ long hair fall to cover his face, which Remus brushed off before he had time to stop himself. 

For a moment, he wished Sirius hadn’t fallen asleep, just so they could talk about… whatever this was.

What are we? A stupid question to ask. But maybe it was necessary. Where were they in regards to their relationship?

He’d taken all of this as just an act of friendship. They hadn’t seen each other in over a decade, they were the only one’s left from their group in Hogwarts. It was only natural they’d gravitate towards each other.

But all of these… touches from Sirius, which Remus had even reciprocated at times… Was doing so right this moment, even…

He’d had a crush on Sirius, back when they’d been in school. Of course he had, who hadn’t. He was fairly certain Sirius had known.

And after… they hadn’t had much time. He hadn’t had time to tell Sirius. He’d thought… 

He’d felt so bad for ever thinking Sirius wasn’t innocent. He’d tried to erase Sirius from his memory, all of them, yet here he was. Alive and… well, that was pretty much it.

What if they didn’t have time this time either?

There was going to be a second war, that much was for certain. 

What if Sirius just genuinely wanted his company for what it was? Companionship. He’d been alone in prison for twelve years, it would be no wonder if he wanted… whatever they had been doing for weeks now. He knew Sirius was lonely, he knew Sirius hated this house with a burning passion and more. 

Not brave enough to hold Sirius properly to ward off any nightmares Sirius would likely have, Remus settled for lacing their fingers together and hoping Sirius would wake him up if there was any trouble.

*

Remus woke up feeling better rested than he had in ages. After a moment of thought, he came to the conclusion that it had to be because Sirius was wrapped up around him, still snoring softly. 

He couldn’t see the time from where he was — in fact, he was sure Sirius didn’t even have a clock in his room — but from the amount of light passing through the windows, he deduced it had to be morning. They’d both slept through the night, without incident. 

Sirius stirred, startling Remus into lifting his hands off Sirius’ back, where they had been holding Sirius close to him. 

Sirius pulled back to be able to turn to his other side, back now facing Remus. 

This was a good time to escape. In fact, there would probably not be a better one. 

As quietly as he could, Remus left Sirius’ bed and room altogether and left to start the day properly. 

They hadn’t mentioned the other time they’d slept together, Remus was sure this would be the same. After all, he’d managed to leave that time as well, before Sirius had even woken up.

That somehow opened up a new door in their relationship, one where Remus would climb up to Sirius’ room to sleep next to him, every night. They’d wake up wrapped up in each other, always one before the other, and whoever had woken up first left without saying a word, and they simply didn’t speak of it.

That’s where they were now, days later since that first time, lying in bed together, just waiting for sleep to come. 

Sirius’ hair was once again on his face, as it often was, but this time Sirius seemed unbothered by it and simply kept looking at Remus through the wisps of hair. 

Remus reached a tentative hand out, trying to keep it in Sirius’ field of vision the whole time. He brushed Sirius’ hair out of his face, a replay of what he’d done the first night, but this time Sirius was very much awake. And looking at Remus with such a look of contentment that it  momentarily filled Remus with courage.  

“Where are we?” he blurted out.

“We’re… in bed?” Sirius asked, confusion apparent in his voice.

“I meant…” Remus struggled to find the words. “With… this. ” He gestured vaguely between the two of them.

Remus saw, clear as day, the realisation as it hit Sirius. 

“Do you mean, where are we as people who are currently — and have been for the past days — sharing a single bed, absolutely tangled together cuddling each other, with your hand in my hair…? Where are we like that?”

Remus laughed, but didn’t remove his hand, didn’t move his legs, which were intertwined with Sirius’ — and had been for the better part of an hour. “Okay, maybe it was a stupid question.”

“Maybe.” Sirius looked at him with an unreadable expression. It made Remus more nervous than the asking had. He would have given anything to hear Sirius’ thoughts right now. “I mean… all of this can still be… friendly. If that’s what you want.”

“I very much do not want that.”

“I understand if you do, bec— wait.” Sirius pulled back slightly, a hand on Remus’ chest, the warmth of it seeping through Remus’ shirt. “You said you don’t want this to be…?”

“Friendly.” If Sirius needed clarification then that’s what he was going to get. Remus would gladly go out on the streets in the middle of London and shout it out to anyone who wanted to hear.

“Oh, thank Merlin for that,” Sirius breathed out and immediately leaned over to kiss Remus squarely on the lips. 

The feeling was better than anything Remus had had time to picture before this. A lot better than what poor teenage Remus had imagined it to be. 

Sirius was so soft with it, yet firm. He knew what he wanted and he knew how to get it. 

As they pulled back, Remus couldn’t help but gasp for air. 

“Sorry about that,” Sirius said sheepishly, as if now realising what he’d done. 

“Do not…” Remus was still short for breath. “Ever apologise for kissing me. That was amazing. So much better than—”

He cut himself off before he had time to blurt out the embarrassing amount of times he’d wished he could kiss Sirius like that, but from the knowing smirk on Sirius’ lips, he knew Sirius had caught on anyway.

“Better than what you’d imagined?” Sirius asked, that playful smile still dancing on his lips. “Yeah, me too.”

Even though the colour on Remus’ face probably matched the red on Sirius’, he still felt embarrassed. Until what Sirius had said fully caught up to him.

“Wait… you were willing to push aside your feelings about… us, just so I’d be comfortable?”

“I love you,” Sirius said simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the universe. And maybe it had been. Tonks had certainly seemed to think so. Oh, she was going to have a field day when she found out. “I have… for such a long time.”

Oh.

“How…” Remus had to clear his throat. “How long?”

“Since we were at Hogwarts,” Sirius confessed quietly, pressing his forehead against Remus’, hands cupping his face gently. 

Oh.  

“I… me too,” Remus choked out. His throat was definitely not giving him an easy time with this. “I love you. Have loved you. Since Hogwarts.”

Sirius looked momentarily stunned, then started laughing.

Remus had to laugh too, the thought that both of them had been… crushing on each other since they were teenagers was so absurd. 

“So… we’re both just… stupid?” Sirius asked once he managed to calm down again.

“Very much so.”

“James… used to tease me relentlessly,” Sirius said, still a little breathless. “About you. He used to say if I just told you, I’d see… And I was going to tell you. Eventually. I just ran out of time.”

“I know.” Sirius’ words echoed Remus’ thoughts exactly. “Maybe it wasn’t the right time.”

“When’s your next mission?” Sirius asked suddenly, pulling back again, which immediately brought Remus’ good mood down, just a little. He almost reached out to bring Sirius back closer to him. 

“I don’t know,” he answered. “Why?”

“I want to know how long I’m going to have you to myself, of course,” Sirius said, again as if he was simply stating facts known to all wizardkind. “I have to make up for lost time.”

“Ah.” Remus wasn’t sure if it was even possible to blush more than he already was, but the implications of what Sirius had said… 

“Let’s take a shower? Together, this time?”

“So you did want to join me,” Remus laughed, trying to ignore the implications of that sentence. It seemed like Sirius wasn’t going to hold back at all. “You weren’t exactly subtle.”

“More than anything,” Sirius admitted. “And I wasn’t really going for subtlety, but I figured you might not exactly be comfortable with me straight up asking to join you in the bath.”

Remus pressed a small kiss to Sirius’ neck. “I would have let you.” 

“Oh.” It was Sirius’ turn to turn scarlet in the face. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“If I hadn’t been comfortable with you there, I would have told you so,” Remus assured him. “I very much asked you to be there with me. ‘So I don’t drown’. ”

“I was genuinely afraid you would, though,” Sirius said, suddenly serious. “Don’t… that day was terrifying for me. I don’t ever want to see you like that again.”

“I— oh.” Remus hadn’t thought— “Sorry.”

“No, no,” Sirius said. His hand brushed against Remus’ cheek, turning his head up so they could look each other in the eye. “It wasn’t anything you did. I was just… It was like you didn’t even recognise me when you came home that morning. You couldn’t lift your feet and almost didn’t even make it onto the sofa.”

“Yeah,” Remus admitted. “I didn’t know it was you. I didn’t even see you. All I could think was that I had to make it over to the sofa so I wouldn’t fall asleep on the floor. That would have been a morfitying experience.”

“I’m glad I was there,” Sirius said quietly, his bright eyes flashing with worry.

“I’m glad you were, too,” Remus said and tried pushing his face forward so he could lean over for a kiss. Sirius let him, his hand never leaving Remus’ face, thumb brushing his cheek idly. 

“I definitely used that as an excuse to not do anything that day,” Sirius confessed with a smile against Remus’ lips. “‘Oh, no, I can’t possibly come help you collect all those Doxy eggs, Remus needs me here.’”

“I did need you there,” Remus said quietly. “I would have surely fallen on the floor and broken every bone in my body, had you not kept hold of me.”

“I held on to you for purely selfish reasons. You were unconscious, I could touch you for as much as I wanted.” Sirius seemed to realise what he’d said. “Wait, no, that’s not—”

“I know,” Remus said and pecked another kiss on Sirius’ lips, just because he could. Because he was allowed to. “It was the best thing to wake up to. You have no idea what you did to me that day.”

“Oh, I might have some idea,” Sirius teased, then quickly sobered up again. “I just wasn’t exactly sure… if you had… I should have asked you right then.”

“Well,” Remus said, “we definitely would have been here faster.” He emphasised his statement with another kiss, a deeper one. 

“We’re so stupid,” Sirius laughed. 

Remus laughed right with him. It felt so good, like something he’d meant to be doing his entire life. Just lie here, laughing with Sirius with such ease. Being able to talk to Sirius about anything bothering him, like he had been, but back then he’d thought Sirius had just wanted to be his friend. God, he was so stupid. 

“So… that shower?”

*

“I’m not going to say ‘I told you so’, but I did very much tell you so.”

“You did.”

“What? You discussed our relationship with my baby cousin? I feel absolutely betrayed. How could you.”

Even as Sirius said those words, Remus could tell he was joking, but they were emphasised with his trademark grin, aimed directly at Remus. It never failed to make his heart flutter in his chest. 

But now he didn’t have to feel bad about it.