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‘Am I allowed to cry?’ Eloise Bridgerton thought.
The storm casted a grey hue in the entire town. The wind whistling as Eloise could see the trees dancing left and right. Rain keeps on dropping in the sky for about hours now. It created raindrops that looks like tears by the window glass. These droplets made Eloise wonder about her current state.
She sat by the edge of her bed in her sky blue dress. Her thoughts kept on circling back to the man whom she rejected months before. Looking around, she surveyed that she was alone in her own bedroom that was once owned by her oldest sister, Daphne. Now that her older sister is happily married with the Duke, this new bedroom is now her fortress of solitude. It was spacious and at first, she was glad to be here but ever since the incidents of last season, she realized that this cage was once just fine. Right now, it is depressing to be here.
Going back to her thoughts, the fact that she keeps on circling back to him and the memories they shared made her want to do something, a form of release. However, since she was the one who pushed away, Eloise wonders if she is allowed to cry for the missed opportunity of her finding love.
A memory crosses her mind as they were spending the wee mornings at the Printshop. She visited him to be with him. Even if it was still the early hours of dawn, Eloise smiles as she notices his brown locks on his head. She sometimes dreams about him and his hair that becomes golden sometimes whenever the right light beam reaches him.
Eloise keeps on having visions of his smile whenever he sees her walking to meet him. A shared smile that they do knowing their true feelings with one another that is only between them. Her fatal fantasies of him and her spending almost everyday with each other. She is guilty as well for having more daydreams about him and what they could do together with no judgement from the ton.
‘Eloise’ She hears him calling her name that felt like sweet heaven to be heard. Their conversations filled with playfulness and banter as if one is doing their best to keep the other one in their toes. She dares to think about it but she truly misses him.
She recalled their conversations of who has the best signature between them. Both writers wanted to show their signatures that they wanted to use if they will be able to publish a book. Given that the owner is very much strict when it comes to using the papers in the printshop, it was Eloise’s idea for Theo to write down his name on the back of her hand.
It tingled the way he grabbed her hand gently and etched his name, ‘T. Sharpe’ in her hand. It made her bit her lip as she concentrated on pure thoughts instead of his smell so intoxicating for her and how warm his hands are on him.
Eloise remembered the way Theo nervously agreed to use his hand for Eloise to sign her signature. She smiled as she used the quill to write it on the back of his hand. The initials ‘E. Bridgerton’ signed on his skin. It was just an innocent act, but her thoughts wondered if he thought the same as her that they are not just showing their signatures but also writing how they belong to one another. As if she wrote her name to show that he is hers and so does him. It was more romantic for her than golden rings. No amount of rings in the world could make her feel happy unlike the sight of their initials etched in black ink on their skin.
Would her family crucify her for even daring to think that his touch and the sight of his initials on her hand as if it was the holiest view she ever dared to see? Little did they know that she was also having impure thoughts about him and especially the night that they almost kissed.
Her heart broke once more as she recalls the things that they never did.
The kiss that was supposed to happen the night they fought and ended the relationship that never was given a chance to bloom because of her cowardice. She longs to be with him and to continue their tryst. She wonders if a life of long-suffering propriety will be the end of her? A curse of being a pretty Bridgerton means losing the love of your life because of class difference.
Eloise Bridgerton craves to be with Theo Sharpe.
It was not just lust.
It was not a crush.
And it was certainly not absurd.
However, the fact that her heart wants to be with him, she knew that she is guilty as sin for loving Theo Sharpe.
Thunder and lightning flashed and roared outside and yet her thoughts were not even bothered by these distractions. All she could think about is the man that she fell in love with. The man that she hurt because of her want to protect him and her family. The very thought of his eyes filled with tears broke him once more. She sometimes dreams of him crying because of her. Her heart longing to tell him the truth. The truth that she wants to come to him and continue their tryst once more and never let go.
Regret and the idea that it was her idea to stop seeing him was the main cause of her inability to runaway and do her own will. It was her fault for being manipulated and right now she is suffering alone in her bedroom. Not even her family could offer any help for her heartbroken feelings.
So she dare ask her once more.
‘Am I allowed to cry?’, Eloise thought once more. Little did she realized a teardrop escaping from her eye as it rolled down on her cheek. Sooner than later, she only did what her heart and mind wanted to do for a long time. A release for all the things that she did and the other things that she wanted to do.
Finally, Eloise wept.