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Tommy helps them save Chimney because, well, a helicopter is always useful, right? It’s great, and it lets them make a very cinematic entrance, and the wedding goes on. Eddie should be happy that it all worked out, except –
Except that when Tommy had agreed to help. Had offered . Buck had looked… a little awed, like he couldn’t believe it, and he’d grabbed Tommy and kissed him right there in front of everyone. And Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about it. About the way Buck’s eyes had looked, Tommy’s hand on Buck’s back, Buck’s hand clenched in the lapel of Tommy’s suit.
It’s just that, even after they leave the wedding, Eddie sees it every time he closes his eyes. Sees that, and the way Buck and Tommy had slow danced near the end of the night, Buck’s fancy suit jacket – in his clean wedding suit, not the ruined bachelor party one – discarded on a chair somewhere, Buck’s arms around Tommy’s neck, the way Buck would drop his head forward as he laughed at something Tommy said, shoulders shaking.
And every time he thinks about it, a pit opens up in his stomach and it feels like something is crawling under his skin. And he feels terrible, and guilty, because he should be happy for Buck. He told Buck it didn’t change anything between them, and it didn’t – Eddie’s never had an issue with his other friends being affectionate with their partners, never had an issue with anyone gay or bisexual or anything else at the 118. He’d never really even thought about it, honestly.
Eddie had never thought he was homophobic, before. He wondered what was different – was it because Buck was his best friend? Because Buck was coming out now, instead of before Eddie knew him? Because he hadn’t known about Tommy, either, even though he apparently didn’t hide it?
He couldn’t figure out what was causing it, the feeling that was bubbling up in his chest every time he thought about them together, he just knew he could never let Buck find out.
Eddie called Buck two days after the wedding to ask if he wanted to watch a movie.
“Is it movie night?” Buck asked, sounding confused.
“No,” Eddie reassured quickly. “No, I was just –”
“Oh, good. We can do a movie tomorrow if you want, then? Or – no, we’ll be on shift. The day after?” Buck offered.
Eddie frowned. “Are you busy tonight?”
“Yeah, actually, uh – Tommy booked us a re-do of that restaurant date I completely messed up,” Buck said with a light laugh. “You could call Marisol, see if she wants to watch a movie?” he suggested, like he and Marisol were just interchangeable puzzle pieces in Eddie’s routine.
“Good idea,” Eddie agreed, feeling an impending sense of dread looming on the horizon. “Have fun with Tommy,” he added quickly, because he didn’t want Buck to think for a second that he wasn’t supportive, even as his heart dipped when he said it.
“Yeah, I think I will,” Buck said, a far-off quality to his voice that Eddie couldn’t figure out. “You, too. And we’ll have an extra movie night in two days, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Eddie agreed, keeping his voice light. “See you at work tomorrow.”
Buck echoed the sentiment and hung up, leaving Eddie alone on his couch in the dimly lit living room.
Buck is practically glowing when he shows up at work the next day.
“The re-do went well?” Eddie asked, grinning up at Buck and hoping the effort didn’t show.
“Yeah,” Buck said, his face flushing as he dipped his head. “Yeah, he didn’t leave me on the curb this time, at least.” He laughed awkwardly and ran a hand through his hair. “How was your night? Did you call Marisol?”
“Yeah, I did,” Eddie said. “We, uh – well, we broke up.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Buck said immediately, and while the general glow of contentment didn’t leave him his smile did fall. “I wouldn’t have – I mean if I’d known things weren’t… going well, I wouldn’t –”
“Buck, it’s fine,” Eddie reassured. “It wasn’t working for either of us. It was… I won’t say it was mutual, I broke up with her, but she didn’t seem too upset about it.”
“I’m sorry,” Buck repeated. “I won’t ramble about dinner, and we can – we can do something with movie night, maybe order take out? Like a break up thing.”
Eddie smiled at him, and didn’t worry if it seemed tight because it could be explained by the awkwardness of the situation. “That sounds good. Perfect.” It’s a great way to show Buck that nothing’s changed, they can still have their regular hangouts where they drink beer and watch a movie. Nothing’s different now that Buck’s dating Tommy. Nothing’s different, and that’s good.
When Eddie broke up with Marisol she took it well. She just looked at him and said, “It’s because of Buck, isn’t it?”
Eddie hadn’t answered. Hadn’t known how to. So Marisol nodded, wished him luck, and left.
Eddie watched a movie alone and didn’t absorb any of it.
They do a movie night, just the two of them, and then Buck comes over for the regular movie night, and then Eddie doesn’t see him outside of work for a week.
“Tommy booked time for flying lessons.”
“Tommy and I are getting dinner again.”
“Tommy’s taking me to Griffith Observatory.”
“You know,” Eddie said, “we hung out more when we were both in relationships.” He pushed away the feeling in his stomach when Buck mentioned the observatory – they’d been talking about taking Chris there for months, he should really say something, but it’s not like Buck can’t go there twice. There’s no excuse Eddie can use.
Buck has the decency to look embarrassed. “Sorry, I’ll – how about Saturday? There’s nothing planned for Saturday yet, and Tommy will understand that we need best friend time. I’m sure he’s sick of me this week, anyway.”
“Okay, Saturday. Maybe we can go to the zoo with Chris?” Eddie asked, and tried not to sound pleading. He missed Buck, and he wasn’t having as much opportunity to prove that nothing had changed as he would like. He needed to be sure that Buck knew that. That Buck understood.
“That sounds awesome,” Buck agreed.
Eddie figured out that he needed to get ahead of the curve – if Tommy was planning all sorts of dates and outings, Eddie could do and book them with Buck in advance. Before they even make it to the zoo, Eddie gets Buck to agree to another movie night on Sunday and game night on Tuesday. He’s never had to make reasons to hang out with Buck before, and finds it hard to book time to just… hang out. He can’t tell Buck ‘ignore your boyfriend, come sit on my couch and watch a nature documentary while Chris ignores us in his bedroom’ – even though that’s normal for them, it’s not normal to ask.
And when he thinks he’s asked too many times, he slips Chris $20 and has him ask Buck to play video games. It isn’t his proudest moment, but then Buck didn’t say anything. He just agreed and played video games until Chris got bored and then he just… stayed.
Buck frowned at his phone.
“What’s wrong?” Eddie asked.
Buck shook his head. “Nothing, nothing. Just Tommy texting me.”
“Is something wrong with you two?” Eddie asked, because Buck should never be frowning at a text.
“I don’t think so,” Buck said, uncertain. “You – do you think he’d say something to you if he thought something was wrong? You two still hang out, right?”
Eddie almost answered yes , and then realized that that would be a lie. He hadn’t hung out with Tommy one on one since days before Buck told him that the restaurant had been a date. He hadn’t even spoken to Tommy since the wedding. He hadn’t even thought about that but – that was making things different , wasn’t it? Shouldn’t he still be hanging out with Tommy, at least sometimes?
Eddie had taken too long to answer – Buck looked concerned, now.
“You don’t?” Buck asked. “Why not?”
“I don’t know,” Eddie answered honestly. “I guess we’re all just busy.”
Buck was still frowning, but then he grinned like something had just occurred to him. “We should all do something together! Maybe we can even take Chris?”
It was a terrible idea. “That sounds good,” Eddie agreed. “Maybe the zoo?”
Buck grinned. “Perfect, I’ll schedule everything. It’ll be fun!”
They were all busy, so it took a while, but they scheduled a trip to the zoo. Buck drove everyone in the Jeep, arriving to Eddie’s house with Tommy already having claim to the passenger seat, so Eddie sat in the back with Chris feeling like a little kid in his parents car.
Chris was excited to see Tommy, so immediately started asking him questions that Tommy answered as easily and enthusiastically as ever. Eddie sat quietly, unable to compete with the fast-moving conversation, and watched Buck in the drivers’ seat. Buck was just watching, too, glancing into the rearview and turning his head slightly to add something once and a while. He was smiling, happier than Eddie had seen him in a long time, and he only had one hand on the wheel. The other was clasped with Tommy’s over the center console, and he only let go to shift gears and then picked it back up.
Eddie noticed every time.
Eddie isn’t surprised when Buck and Chris end up way ahead of their group.
“They always do this,” he told Tommy. “I usually just go wait at the restaurant for them, at this point.”
“That’s probably a good idea,” Tommy agreed with a laugh. “I’ll just go tell Evan where we’ll be.”
Eddie wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to, that Buck always knew where he was, but Tommy was already striding forward to catch up with the duo. Buck was leaning down – not half as far as he used to need to – to point out an animal to Chris, and Tommy put a hand on his back. It looked comfortable, normal. Tommy said something, Buck turned his head to acknowledge him, and then Tommy leaned down and kissed Buck, quick and chaste. Buck’s face was red when Tommy pulled back, but he turned back to the conversation with Chris quickly, and Tommy turned around to join Eddie again.
Tommy didn’t say anything as Eddie led them down a familiar route to the restaurant. It’s loud, and busy, so Eddie wasn’t concerned until they sat down with coffee and Tommy drummed his fingers on the table.
“I didn’t know,” Tommy said. “I’m sorry.”
That was just about the last thing Eddie had expected to hear. “About what?”
“If I’d known, I wouldn’t have agreed to this – I’m not trying to hurt anyone, here,” Tommy continued. “I should’ve guessed, but I just assumed –” Tommy shook his head. “Before Evan and I – well. I thought maybe you two were something, just not out, or I would’ve heard about it from Hen or Chimney. I assumed that I was wrong, and you two were just best friends and I’d misread it. But I should have thought about it more before agreeing to this.
“We are best friends,” Eddie said, feeling like he was three or four steps behind the conversation.
Tommy looked at him almost pityingly. “Sure,” he agreed. “But you’re in love with him, and I should’ve been more mindful of that.”
“I’m not in love with him,” Eddie said, the words tasting like ash in his mouth. It must be the coffee , he thought.
Tommy closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You didn’t know either. Okay. Great. Look, I’m sorry – for all of it.”
“It’s okay,” Eddie replied automatically, not even sure what he was forgiving Tommy for.
Tommy nodded with a tight-lipped smile. And then, mercifully, changed the topic to the UFC.
The thing is, Eddie was raised Catholic. He grew up with sermons of guilt, sin, duty , being drilled into him by a priest for a few hours every Sunday and then reinforced every day by his parents. And yes, he shrugged it off like an ill-fitting coat as soon as he was 18 and his parents couldn’t force him to go to Mass every week anymore. Yes, he hadn’t set foot in a church since. Yes, he’d never been very faithful in the first place.
But when he looked at Buck he could feel the wooden pews under his knees.
“Tommy asked me something interesting the other day,” Buck said as he buttoned up his uniform shirt.
“Yeah?” Eddie prompted.
“He asked if we were ever a thing. You and me,” Buck clarified.
Eddie laughed, hoping it didn’t sound as flat and humourless to Buck as it did to him. “Huh.”
“That was my reaction,” Buck agreed. He tapped Eddie’s shoulder as he walked past him. “Not sure where he got that idea.”
“Yeah, I dunno,” Eddie said weakly, his eyes trained on the laces of his boot, propped up on the bench.
He stayed like that until he couldn’t hear his heartbeat thundering in his ears.
It was shocking to Eddie how easy it was to reframe his worldview to one where he’d been in love with Buck since – well, since forever, a little bit.
It slotted everything into place. And maybe, if he’d realized a month earlier, he would’ve done something about it. Maybe he would have been brave enough. But Buck was with Tommy, and Buck was happy , and Eddie wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.
“Movie night tonight?” Buck asked as they changed out of their uniforms. He’d seemed a bit subdued all shift, but hadn’t said anything to Eddie about it and Eddie didn’t want to pry.
“Of course. I think Chris might even stay around for some of it,” Eddie joked.
“That would be nice,” Buck said softly, pulling his t-shirt over his head. “It feels like just yesterday he was begging to hang out with us.”
“Yeah,” Eddie agreed. “Teenagers, right?”
Buck offered him a tight smile. “Yeah.”
Eddie bit back a sigh. He didn’t want to ask, but there was clearly something bothering Buck. “What’s going on with you? It’s been a few days.”
Buck shrugged, avoiding his gaze. “Just busy, you know how it is.”
“Is everything okay with you and Tommy?” Eddie asked slowly, regretting it as he asked.
Buck’s eyes flickered up to Eddie’s and then back to his own shoes. His shoulders tightened. “Yup. Why wouldn’t they be?”
Eddie shrugged. “I don’t know. You just seem distracted. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Buck sighed, shoulders loosening as he stood up. “Thanks, Eddie. Sorry. It’s – maybe – I don’t know. I’ll tell you when I know, okay?”
Eddie offered him what he hoped was a reassuring smile and put his hand on Buck’s shoulder, his thumb pressing into Buck’s collarbone. “Okay.” He let go and watched Buck take a deep breath.
“I’m gonna swing by the loft, then I’ll come over for the movie,” Buck said, an easy grin finding its way onto his face. It always worried Eddie, how quickly Buck could cover up an emotion.
“I’ll see you in a few hours then,” Eddie said, and let go.
Buck showed up with pizza and a new outfit, grey sweatpants and a sweater, looking just as subdued as he had earlier.
Eddie didn’t ask, because Chris was right there and excited about pizza and it was a rare time that Chris was excited to spend any time with them. Buck smiled and laughed and made jokes and it felt normal – it felt like before. Before it was a possibility – before Eddie knew it was a possibility – that they could make a family like this.
Chris chose the movie because that was the best bet to get him to stay for most of it.
Eddie didn’t even know what movie it was. As soon as it started, he found himself watching the side of Buck’s face over Christopher’s head. Buck stared straight ahead the entire time, his jaw set in a way that made Eddie wonder if he even was paying attention.
They make it a whole hour before Chris gets up, muttering something about popcorn, and doesn’t come back.
“It looks like we’ve been ditched,” Buck said, voice light. He didn’t move his eyes from the TV.
“Typical,” Eddie agreed. “I think that’s a monthly record, though.”
“Yeah?”
Eddie hummed in agreement. “He’s missed you.”
Buck finally turned to look at him, jaw still tight. “ Christopher’s missed me?”
“I want to hang out with you, too,” Eddie admitted with what he hoped was an easy grin. The crawling under his skin as he said it made him fear it didn’t come off as casually as he would’ve liked.
Buck’s leg started to tap and he reached forward for the remote, hitting pause. It took him a few more seconds to speak. “Was Tommy right?” he finally asked.
And the floor fell out from beneath Eddie.
“About what?” Eddie asked, hoping desperately that playing dumb would get him out of his with the most important relationship of his life intact. I didn’t admit anything , he reminded himself. Tommy doesn’t know anything.
“He asked me about us,” Buck started. “And I told him we were just best friends, and he believed me, but then – the other day, he asked me if… if knowing what I know now –” Buck took a deep breath, almost like he’d been drowning, and scrubbed a hand over his face. “If knowing what I know now changed how I thought of you at all. He said he talked to you at the zoo. He said he thought it changed something for you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Eddie said, trying desperately to calm his breathing. Thinking of Jell-O felt… silly, now. “I didn’t say anything to him.”
Buck studied his face and Eddie fought against the urge to turn away. If this was going to happen, Eddie would remember the look on Buck’s face. The last time he saw Buck’s face.
Buck let out a breath and fell back against the cushions. “Fuck.”
Eddie wanted to echo him, to agree, but it felt like his mouth was glued shut.
“Tommy’s great,” Buck said, talking to the air in front of him, and Eddie wanted to run and hide but he was rooted to the spot. He didn’t want to hear Buck talk about how amazing Tommy was. “He’s handsome, and he used to be in the military, and he likes basketball and watching men fight each other, and I was never trying to get his attention, was I?”
Eddie felt like a needle skipping on a record. Like everything was on track, and then suddenly changed without warning, a discordant noise echoing in the air. “What?”
Buck turned his head looking at Eddie across the couch. “He’s just like you, Eddie. Just like you, but safe. He was never the most important person in my life – he was never my best friend. I wanted your attention, Eddie.”
“Oh,” Eddie said, voice faint and barely audible over the ringing in his ears. “That – huh.”
Buck turned his body, his knee barely touching Eddie’s, and tried to meet his eyes. “So, Eddie – was he right ? Did this – this new thing, me dating Tommy, did that change something for you? You said nothing would change between us, but –”
“Yes,” Eddie admitted, cutting him off. “I didn’t think it did. I wasn’t lying. But it changed things for me. I’m sorry.”
“ Please don’t apologize for loving me,” Buck said, an edge of desperation creeping into his voice. “If that is – if I’m understanding you.”
“You rarely misunderstand me, Buck,” Eddie said. “But I still feel like I have to. You’re with Tommy.”
“Do you really think I would’ve brought this up if that were true?” Buck asked. “We were only barely dating, but we agreed… it’s too complicated, and he didn’t want to be involved in… whatever was going on between us.”
Eddie swallowed around a lump in his throat. “So it – it changed something for you, then? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I didn’t think it did,” Buck echoed. “But it did. Everything I felt about Tommy, I felt about you first. Six years ago, and it’s just gotten stronger. I just thought that you were the first best friend I’d ever had. But that’s not it. I love you. And if you love me, too –”
“I do,” Eddie said, words tripping over each other in his haste to make sure Buck understands just how true it is. He put his hand over Buck’s on the couch. “I do love you, too. Probably just as long, at least.”
Buck glanced down at their hands and then back up at Eddie. “I’d really like to kiss you right now, then.”
“Please,” Eddie answered.
Eddie put a hand on Buck’s neck, the other clutching his hand tighter, and leaned in to kiss him. Buck’s hand went to the back of Eddie’s shoulder as he kissed back, pushing forward and pulled Eddie tighter to him. The kiss was over almost as soon as it had begun. For only a few seconds, Eddie felt like he’d just run a marathon.
“We could’ve been doing that for years ,” Buck muttered, and then started laughing. “For years , Eddie.”
His laugh was infectious as he fell forwards, forehead hitting Eddie’s shoulder, and Eddie couldn’t help but join, moving his hand into Buck’s hair. “We just have to make up for lost time, then.”
Buck’s laughing subsided. “We’d better get started then. Would you count this as a first date, pizza and a movie?”
“Why not?” Eddie agreed easily as Buck pulled back and grinned at him. “One down, a few thousand to go, right?”
Buck leaned in to rest their foreheads together. “Can’t wait,” he said.