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Part 1 of pigeon!ned stark
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Published:
2015-12-26
Completed:
2017-12-25
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the excellent adventures of lord pigeon ned stark

Summary:

in which Ned doesn't die but wargs into one pigeon instead.

Incidentally, it doesn't stop him from preventing a war and saving both his family and the entirety of Westeros.

Notes:

... right so this happened because tumblr user incblackbird dabbles on westeros.org, and someone on a thread joked about Ned warging into a pigeon since a flock was flying right above his head when he died and she told me.

I decided it was comedy gold and shared it on tumblr. Then I was taking prompts for the holidays and someone told me I should go for it and I was hoping to post it yesterday but I'm with relatives and the internet access at a computer is sporadic so I'm posting it now. I honestly don't even fucking know where this came from but here, have some pigeon!Ned saving the world, you're welcome. Nothing belongs to me except the crack. I'm really sorry.

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

It’s not something that Ned does knowingly.

Seven hells, Ned is actually resigned to die – it’s not as if he’s had time to process it but he should have suspected that he wouldn’t be spared, though from looking at Cersei Lannister’s face the moment Joffrey sentenced him to death… well, she seemed surprised as well, so he figures he knows who he can blame it on. He hopes Yoren brings Arya to safety as he kneels down, trying not to listen to the sound of Sansa’s sobs because otherwise he’ll die of heartbreak before Ser Ilyn cuts his head.

He kneels on the ground, looks up at the sky as Ser Ilyn raises his sword, and –

He sees a storm of pigeons flying by. And then he feels some kind of pull – he doesn’t know what or why or anything, but somehow he can hear a voice saying movemovemovecomeyoucanleave and –

Ned doesn’t know what in the seven hells he’s doing as he closes his eyes and leaves, but what he knows is that a split second later he opens them and –

There are a number of things that do not add up.

First: he’s flying.

Second: he can see shades of colors that he never even imagined could exist up until a moment ago.

Third: there’s a crowd below him, and his body, sans head, has fallen down on Baelor’s steps. The head has rolled downwards.

Fourth: he tries to speak and the only thing he hears is a chirp, and he’s surrounded by pigeons, and –

The Others take me, Ned thinks, those legends about people possessing animals somehow are true, and on top of that, he’s stuck.. in a pigeon, or so it seems.

Ned doesn’t even know how in the seven hells he manages to keep on flying instead of crashing to the ground, but he keeps on doing it, and the moment he’s out of the city he lands down on the ground – not an undignified landing, all things considered.

All right. It seems like, pigeon or not, he still has all his wits about himself. He’s sorely tempted to see if he can somehow change host, but all things considered maybe it’s not a good idea, since he doesn’t even know what he’s done in the first place, and he cannot certainly do this with a human. Gods, he would never do something so abhorrent.

Still, he has to act – he’s still alive, and maybe he can try to – to help his family somehow, especially since he supposes Robb will have to declare war on the crown for good. He’s trying to figure that out when he suddenly realizes that –

The flock is landing in front of him.

There are at least a hundred pigeons staring at him. But not with hostility. More – with regard?

Ned swallows, opens his beak and –

He wanted to ask what do you want, but instead he coos. The embarrassment dies when all the other pigeons coo back and Ned doesn’t know how he knows they said whatever you say, my lord all at the same time, but – it looks like somehow possessing this pigeon in the first place has somehow given him a higher status.

Ned has no bloody clue of what to do with it, but that’s when he realizes that maybe –

Maybe…

After all, pigeons are fast fliers, and reliable to send messages when you cannot have ravens. And he can’t be in all of Westeros at once, but if he can understand them –

If pigeons could smile, Ned Stark would have.

As it is, he merely coos as he starts to think up a plan, and the gods be willing, this time he’s not going to let anyone play him for a fool as Cersei Lannister and Petyr Baelish have done until now.

--

“Robb?”

“Yes?”

“Doesn’t that pigeon remind you of someone?”

Robb turns to look at Theon as if he’s gone completely insane, which – well, fine, Theon can see why, because he’s getting creeped out by a damned bird, but the pigeon’s been around their camp for a week by now, and he’s always staring, and staring, and those completely unremarkable black eyes somehow –

No, it’s really a stupid notion.

“Theon, how about we just write this letter so we can send proper ravens to Pyke? And this is the last paper we have, try to sum up what you told me before because otherwise it’s going to be another week before some more comes.”

“Right, right. So, you get the ships – what the hell?”

The pigeon flies swiftly between them and grabs the piece of paper in his beak, stares at them all over again and flies away from the tent.

“What in the seven hells,” Robb says. “Well, guess we should wait. What’s another week after all? Still, that’s weird.”

“Told you that bird is bloody strange,” Theon mutters.

He doesn’t tell Robb that the way he stared down at them reminds him of Ned Stark, because now that would be ridiculous… wouldn’t it?

--

Ned munches on the paper before deciding the taste is really horrid and lets it fall in the river.

One of his birds had told him that warships were getting ready on Pyke and while it’s obvious that Greyjoy has good intentions, if he goes to his father now things will be ruined. But if Robb can’t contact Pyke or write his alliance request for a bit, they’ll know as well, so that danger should be gone.

Now it’s time to wait for the others to come back and report about Stannis and Renly Baratheon so he decides what to do, but since there’ll be time before that happens, he thinks he can pay a visit to King’s Landing.

It’s not as if he can’t move – the other pigeons always seem to find him somehow.

--

“Kill that bloody pigeon!”

“Your Grace –”

“Kill it!”

“I am sorry, it’s already gone.”

“You incapable fools!” Joffrey screams as he stalks off towards his rooms, and Sansa tries not to laugh as she sees the grey, smelly matter that covers half of Joffrey’s very blonde and very royal head.

Once she’d have found that sight disgusting, but as all of the Kingsguard that isn’t Sandor Clegane hurries to clean pigeon guano from their armors, Sansa decides that maybe sometimes being wholly ladylike is overrated, and smiles just a tiny bit to herself.

--

Well, Ned thinks as he flies away from the Red Keep and back towards the field where his operatives come to give him news, that was a lot more satisfying than anyone might have imagined.

--

There are no chances to be taken with Robb Stark, and that’s why Tywin Lannister is penning a couple of ravens, sitting under his tent. Surely it won’t take too long to convince Walder Frey to come to his side – after all, Stark is young and inexperienced, and the odds are looking good as far as getting rid of Stannis and Renly Baratheon goes, especially if they keep on arguing in between themselves. Also, Twyin assumes, Roose Bolton might be also swayed, if he’s convincing enough. No point in trying to take the boy out in battle, not after the Whispering Wood. Twyin sits at his desk and pens the raven asking Frey if he might consider his proposal – he’s already thinking that asking Stark to anticipate that wedding he owes the man could be a perfect occasion – and doesn’t take notice of the two birds that have flown inside his tent and are watching him carefully, first and foremost the one who can read.

--

It’s too much even for all of us, Ned has to admit. Fine, he has at least three hundred pigeons doing his bidding, and the more time passes the more flock to him for some reason he cannot quite pinpoint, but he cannot possibly thwart the kind of treacherous attempt Lannister is about to try against Robb – good thing that he didn’t send Theon eventually and that he doesn’t have another war to fight unprepared.

Ned doesn’t quite know what to do until the pigeons he had sent to Winterfell tell him that Bran can do what Ned himself has done, except better somehow.

Well. Lannister is attempting to convince Frey to betray Robb and murder him after breaking guest right, Roose Bolton cannot be trusted, the Baratheons won’t ever settle things in between them and Joffrey could marry Sansa any day, and Arya is headed for the Wall but who knows if she’ll ever get there.

Ned needs to talk to Bran. Soon.

--

Bran does notice the pigeon fairly soon, if only because with being unable to walk on your own and having to stay in the same place lest someone comes to move you it would be fairly hard not to notice that the same bird is always staring at you from the windowsill. After four days – and why does that pigeon look familiar somehow? – he decides that he should see into it.

After all, if he can slip into Summer the way he does, even if he still hasn’t figured that out yet, he surely can try with – the pigeon, right? Honestly, it should be even easier, all things considered.

He doesn’t talk about it to anyone, though – they’d think he might be losing his wits moreso than they do now. He waits until nightfall, when the pigeon perches on Bran’s window again and they’re both alone.

Bran feels somewhat ridiculous, but that stare – that stare just somehow reminds him of his lord father, mad as it sounds, and he stares at the bird, breathing in, getting ready to just slip inside it, and then –

BRAN, DON’T YOU DARE, someone screams inside his head, and – wait, wait, it’s not just someone, it’s –

YES I AM YOUR FATHER AND NO YOU WILL NOT FORCE ME AWAY FROM THIS VESSEL, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE OLD GODS FIND A BETTER SUITED ONE AND COME TALK TO ME PROPERLY.

Bran almost screams – good gods, that was his father’s voice, and the tone was just –

Suddenly, another pigeon appears next to – to – to the one who just spoke to him.

Bran swallows and tries to slip inside that one, and meets no resistance whatsoever.

And then –

The pigeon coos, but Bran doesn’t just hear that. Because being in a pigeon’s body means that he somehow can understand it, and good gods again, but that was indeed his father speaking and telling him that they needed to talk.

--

Stannis Baratheon receives an alliance request from Robb Stark not later. At the same time, Renly Baratheon receives one missive from Robb Stark as well, saying that there is no reasons they all should fight between them and rallying under Stannis might be the best chance for everyone involved.

Incidentally, a flock of pigeons storms inside Renly’s camp and leaves most of his knights needing to clean off their armors after destroying all the parchments to be found.

Melisandre of Asshai refers to it as a sign from her red god.

(Stannis Baratheon, in private, tells Davos Seaworth that he doesn’t know how his brother’s army getting covered in guano is some kind of divine sign, but as long as it gets them an alliance and convinces people that he’s the rightful king, he supposes he’ll take any sign he can get.)

Incidentally, Walder Frey receives a message from Robb Stark as well, where he takes back the alliance on account of knowing he’s corresponding with the Lannisters. When Jon Umber goes to Harrenhaal to take Roose Bolton into custody just on the off chance that he might have been corresponding with Lannister as well, he’s surprised but delighted to recognize Arya Stark, and he’s more than glad to bring her to her brother’s camp.

When, not later, Stannis Baratheon finally attacks King’s Landing through Blackwater Bay, the Lannisters soldiers barely even fight back – they’re too busy fighting the enormous flock of pigeons distracting them and trying to peck at their eyes.

When Cersei Lannister, her son, Petyr Baelish and most of the Small Council are arrested, they are walked towards the dungeons and two pieces of guano fall on Cersei and Joffrey’s golden heads and on everyone else’s not so golden head, too – they never see the one pigeon who flies away and perches with satisfaction on the ramparts after delivering his cargo.

--

Ned knows that he’ll have to head North – the operatives he sent beyond the Wall came with fairly bad news – but still, now that Bran told and referred his instructions, and now that Robb is coming back to Winterfell with his entire army after settling things with Stannis and relinquishing his crown, well, maybe he is allowed to ignore duty for a bit.

After all, he did singlehandedly avoid at least a couple of wars, and he’ll help out when Robb goes against Balon Greyjoy (he hadn’t told Bran to remind Robb that he could and should have done his duty in regards to Theon – maybe he would have done that had he still been alive, but as things are right now he figures it’s no matter. Also, Theon had helped Robb out with planning the defense against his father, so Ned supposes it’s time he lets bygones be bygones). He does deserve to take a moment of rest.

He flies towards Riverrun, where his wife has decided to stay for a bit before heading back North for good.

--

Thing is – Catelyn did know, and as much as she had been surprised at what Bran told her, she has learned to not underestimate anything or anyone these days. Which is why she somehow does expect it when the ordinary-looking gray pigeon flies inside the room and perches on the back of her seat, but then she looks at the pigeon in the eyes and –

Gods. Gods, it’s insane, she doesn’t even know how to put it into words, but the way the bird looks at her, it’s just – there’s something in that stare which can’t be mistaken, man or bird.

“Ned?” She asks, her voice trembling with hope as she reaches out to cradle the back of the pigeon’s head, and when it almost curls into her touch she just – she knows.

--

The Wall is cold.

Miserably cold.

Ned feels guilty for having killed that poor Night’s Watch recruit back in the day, considering the horde of damned Others he’s seeing coming closer. They had deserted for perfectly good reasons after all, but what’s done is done.

What’s important now is deciding what to do, and he knows it – good thing that both Robb and Stannis sent plenty of men to the Wall, but men can fall prey to whatever magic it is that turns them into wights.

On the other side, no one has ever seen a wight pigeon, right?

Ned and his flock perch on top of the Wall, and they fly down as the horns blare.

--

“Isn’t it odd that Lady Stark won’t remarry?” Jon Umber asks Maege Mormont a long time later – they’ve been invited at Winterfell with all the other survived northern lords to celebrate Robb Stark’s first year as Lord of Winterfell.

Maege shrugs. “She was very much in love with Lord Stark,” she says through a mouthful of lamb. “Anyhow, ladies shouldn’t be forced to marry if they don’t wish so. I’d be more worried that the young lord still isn’t setting sights on anyone.”

“Well, considering that fucking Walder Frey was agreeing to kill him at his own wedding, it’s understandable. He’ll come around, I suppose.”

“There’s something else a lot more odd,” Maege murmurs. “That pigeon always perching on her shoulder, that’s weird.”

The Greatjon gulps down a hearty amount of ale. “Mayhaps she has domesticated it. She must feel lonely, after all, and her children do have those direwolves, don’t they?”

“Mayhaps,” Maege says, matching his drink, and doesn’t think about it anymore.

--

“Robb,” Theon hisses, “you did shut the blinds, didn’t you?”

“I did,” Robb sighs, “and I triple-checked them.”

“Excuse me if bloody guano ruined two of my cloaks already, and excuse me if knowing that your father has fucking seen us at some point is a bit of a deterrent if I want to be in the mood.”

“It’s not as if my father can do anything about that,” Robb smirks as he unlaces Theon’s cloak.

“Well, yes, but still, he could tell Bran. Who could tell your mother. Who could –”

“Theon, my mother probably knows already at this point and hasn’t urged me to marry yet, I can milk the Frey excuse for a while yet.”

“You might have died, you idiot, don’t joke about that.”

“Hey, it didn’t happen, did it? And my father cannot hate you that much, considering how we found your father when we went to deal with him.”

Theon cannot disagree – his two cloaks might be ruined, but his father had been about covered in the damned thing the moment he walked out of his castle and he had found some kind of perverse satisfaction in that.

“Right,” Theon sighs, “so I suppose you should put me back into the mood, how about that?”

Robb smirks and closes the door as he drags Theon down for a kiss.

The pigeon perched outside it gives what passes for a small shrug, if you’re a bird, and flies away to tell the general – not that he doesn’t know about his son and his former hostage getting down to business, but he has to refer and his duty is trailing them, so it’s not as if he has much of a choice.

--

“Can you believe at least four people asked me if I wish to marry again?” Catelyn tells Ned – she’s in bed and he’s perching on the side he used to occupy way back in the day. Ned kind of glares, but it’s not with the usual strength.

“I know what you told Bran,” Catelyn says calmly. As in, she knows that Ned told Bran that he wouldn’t resent her if she found someone else – after all, it’s unheard of that ladies of her status would stay widows. “And – thank you, but I think I shall take my chances on staying unwed for a while longer.”

It’s never not going to feel a bit odd to hear Ned coo instead of answering, but the more time passes the less weird it feels. Cat moves forward and kisses the pigeon’s forehead, her hand caressing his feathers, and decides that it could be entirely worse – Ned could be completely dead after all.

But this? This, she thinks she can work with.

--

Sometimes Ned wishes he could slip back into a human body, because it would make things so much easier, but – but he really could not ask it of anyone and he has found that it’s not possible to possess corpses, so he figures that he’ll just live out his life like this.

On one side, it’s a bit frustrating. But on the other, well, he can communicate, it’s a life in the first place, and his entire family is alive and safe.

It could be a lot worse. Never mind that he has good company, he thinks as he watches Sansa feed the enormous amount of birds that have taken to live in the godswood and in the old servants’ cemetery and in the abandoned parts of the castle. She always smiles brightly when any of his operatives perches on her shoulder or her hand.

Yes, Ned decides, cooing to himself, all things considered, being a pigeon is not the worst thing that could have happened to him. Not at all.

End.

Chapter 2: now with extra fanart! :D

Notes:

SO, the absolutely amazing icesalamander on tumblr made fanart for this and IT'S SO LOVELY AND CUTE AND ADORABLE that I had to link it in a new chapter so you wouldn't miss it u______u HERE WE GO, the link to the original post that was submitted to my blog is here. :D THANK YOU AGAIN I'M SO HAPPY THIS EXISTS BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER :'DDD

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