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For the first time in what feels like forever, Nya feels small.
She recalls the very first time this sticky feeling coated her ribcage and clung to her brain like sap; she could barely form proper sentences when her parents seemingly vanished and left her and Kai to fend for themselves in the blacksmith.
She missed the warm touch of her mother’s palm, her father’s hearty laugh, the way her family seemed whole. It was gone. Ripped away from her.
The second time was when she first learned that her mother was the Elemental Master of Water, meaning she was the sole heir. It felt so wrong at first, like destiny was testing her by throwing her to the wolves. Once again, she was forced into a mold against her will, having no say in the choice. Akin to a pebble sinking into a rapid river, trying to sit still as the currents and waves toss her around.
Now, she’s small again. She’s that clueless, naive, four-year old girl curled up in her brother’s lap as he crooned her to sleep, or that stubborn teen with the indomitable determination and raging spirit of a hundred men.
The moon’s glow is soft, a stark contrast to a few nights ago when blood stained its pristine surface. In her hands, her yang necklace. Her fingers smooth its glossy, white surface, tracing the inky circle near the top. It feels appropriate to cry, to hunch over her bed and sob until her body and mind are numb and aching, but her tear ducts run dry. It doesn’t feel real. Nothing does anymore.
A gust of wind billows past her ajar window, and a whistling sound rings through the air, causing the candle by her window to quiver. As the flame trembles for a split second, its glow shifts and illuminates half of Jay’s face.
Jay.
As if by instinct, she stands up, necklace clutched in her left hand, and strides over to the shrine. She reorganizes the small plate of tangerines, plucks a few wilting stems from a vase of forget-me-nots, and dusts Jay’s picture frame (though, a single speck of dust has never accumulated on the frame for more than a day). Soon, she thinks, she should start looking for an adequate picture of Kai. What was his favourite flower?
The wind whistles again, almost as if it’s taunting her. It laughs, peals of sickening noise echoing in her ears, throwing jeers. “ You’re nothing without them .”
In all truth, she’s starting to believe it. What do you do if your two biggest anchors leave you drifting like a lost ship in a thunderstorm? Her yin, someone who’s assured her and comforted her through the worst of nights, disappeared and left not a single trace behind. When she wakes up hyperventilating, mind running amok with phantoms and nightmares, the ghost of his soothing touch burns her wet cheeks. Her brother, the one who essentially raised her before he even knew to write, sacrificed himself for the sake of the world. Must he always be the heroic one, even when her sanity is at stake?
It doesn’t help that Lloyd’s been plagued with horrible auguries and visions. The whole weight of the world seemingly rests on her weary shoulders while she struggles to darn her seams. Maybe the whole “Elemental Master of Water” thing really suits her, because it feels like she’s melting like ice, ready to pool into a puddle under the unbearable heat of her worries.
She doesn’t even notice how tightly she’s grasping onto her necklace until she relaxes her fingers. As her red, clammy hands throb, her anger pounds too. It bubbles inside her, boiling and rising like a pot left too long over a hungry flame. It’s not fair.
Her eyes dart back to Jay’s smiling face, taking note of the generously-spread freckles across his cheekbones, the frisky glint in his eyes. Gaze dragging to his soft, paper-thin lips, his apple-scented curls. It’s not fair.
She remembers the raw dread that filled her veins the moment Kai reached out for her before the portal snapped shut. The pervasive cold that ran through her body like a snake’s venom, freezing her in a state of shock. It’s not fair .
Her rage consumes her, and she rises to her feet, yanking the sheets off her bed. She throws her pillows, swipes papers off her desk, and knocks a cup or two so they go tumbling to the floor with a sickening smash. Why her? Hasn’t everything she’s endured been enough?
The glass shards scatter like ants across the ground, and she stands there, chest heaving rapidly. She clenches her fists, digging her nails into her palms. From latchkey kid, to Samurai X, to Elemental Master of Water, to the “Girl Ninja,” what is she now? A frankensteined excuse of a person? Sewn from fragments of other people, foggy memories, and bitter emotions that burble like glowing lava?
“Nya?”
The hallway light flicks on, and her head whips around. A blurry shape comes into focus, contrasting the bright artificial light pouring in through her door, but it still blots in and out of indistinguishable and perceptible.
She blinks away the fuzziness, still panting. “Lloyd?”
“Are you alright?” His voice is calm, – how is he calm? – and he pads towards her. “I heard glass breaking. It woke me up.”
Once her eyesight is relatively clear, she fully takes in Lloyd. Dark circles ring his eyes, eyebrows knit with worry, and he’s clad in his gi. “Nya?”
“Yeah, sorry,” she stammers, snapping back into focus, “didn’t mean to wake you up.”
His gaze feels hot against her face. “What happened?”
“I’m fine. Got frustrated. Go back to sleep.”
“Really?” he asks, a dubious lilt in his tone. “It doesn’t look like you’re fine to me.”
“Just leave,” she states flatly, turning her head away and towards the window. Her eyes sting. “Please.”
“Nya. What’s wrong?”
Squeezing her eyes shut, she chokes out, “I’m fine, Lloyd, please just go, don’t worry about me. I just got frustrated and slipped up, and I promise I’ll clean it all–”
She doesn’t realize how much she’s trembling until his arms wrap around her. He doesn’t say another word, just stands there, embracing her as their words hang heavily in the air. The warmth of his body is comforting, enticing. It beckons to her with the fragile promise of solace.
She melts like ice.
The wake of fresh tears scorch her skin, hot and running like her waning anger, soaking Lloyd’s shoulder. Finally succumbing to the embrace, her desperate hands claw at his back, searching for something – someone – that’ll never come. He’s still silent, the only noise being Nya’s sobs cutting through the quiet night air.
“It’s not fair,” she wails, gripping onto his shoulders tighter. She digs her face into the crook of his neck, his soft, blond curls blanketing her face. “ It’s not fair .”
Though she’s not sure if she’s imagining it, Lloyd’s arms seemingly squeeze her tighter as her brain grows dizzy. She almost feels guilty, certain that her incessant scratching has ruined his gi. “I miss them so much, Lloyd. Why me? Why? ”
“I know,” he says, voice cracking. “I know.”
The world seems to freeze around them. The wind ceases its taunting whistles; the monastery is as silent as a mouse. “Breathe,” Lloyd urges when she begins to gasp for air between weeps. “Breathe with me, Nya.”
Their breaths begin in tandem, irregular and uneven, before Lloyd slows his to match her quickened pace. Their chests rise, then fall, then rise, then fall. In sync. Slowly. Wading through the tentative waters. And after what feels like eternity in each other’s warmth, they separate.
He takes her hands, examining them carefully. They’re blistered and ruddy with crescent-shaped indents from her blunt nails. “You’re not cut. That’s good,” Lloyd comments. On a lighter note, he adds, “No blood on my precious gi, then.”
Despite their predicament and her tear-stained cheeks, Nya musters a small laugh. She wipes her cheeks and sniffles. “Sorry I woke you up.”
“Ehh, it’s fine. Wasn’t really having the best sleep of my life anyway,” he sighs. He lets her hands return to her sides. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Wading through the tentative waters. “Not… particularly.”
Lloyd huffs again, but not in a disappointed tone, more exhausted. Worn out. “Okay. Sit?”
They sit on the edge of Nya’s bed, completely ignoring the lack of pillows and blankets (which are scattered across the floor). The realization of her actions finally dawns on her once she takes in the state of her room. “God, I’m sorry, Lloyd. I’ve just been so stressed, and-and I guess I blew up even though I didn’t mean to.” Resting her elbows on her shoulders, she lets her head fall into her hands.
“It’s okay, I get it. Trust me,” Lloyd soothes, rubbing her back. A trembling breath escapes from her lips.
“I miss Jay. I miss him so much. I feel like I’m just aimlessly wandering around like a ghost. It was tough enough without him, but now Kai’s gone, too. This is all so awful,” she laments, fighting back another flood of rushing tears threatening to drown her. “I wish it was me instead. It should've been me.”
“It’s not your fault, Nya. Everything’s been messed up lately, but you shouldn’t put yourself down like that. You’re strong– honestly, one of the strongest people on our team. You persevere, stay determined, and have grit.”
“Maybe I used to, but not right now. I feel so horrible.”
He leans in, “But that determination is still inside of you. Maybe it’s dormant, but it’s still there.” He points to her chest. “It’s like your elemental powers: you can lose it temporarily, but it’ll always find its way back to your very fingertips. You might not be the Elemental Master of Fire, but I know you carry your brother’s fire within you.”
Nya throws a pitiful glance at him.
“If I’m being honest, I wish I was more like you,” he laughs weakly. “Brave, resilient. You never quit. I could really use some of that stuff with everything going on. But it’s normal to be scared. There cannot be light without darkness, no moon without sun.” A shaky sigh. “It’s been rough for me too, Nya, it’s been rough for everyone. But you have to stay strong.”
“But I can’t,” she refutes. “The weight of the world rests on our shoulders, and I’m getting crushed under all this unbearable pressure. My knees are buckling, Lloyd. I’m falling apart.”
“You’re not alone, Nya. We’re all here for you. Ninja never quit, right?” Lloyd says.
She peels her hands from her face and looks up at him and snorts wryly. “ Ninja never quit ,” she spits out, leery of his words. “Yeah.”
“What would Jay want you to do right now? Or Kai? Would they want you to give up?”
Guilt seeps into her skin like rain water infiltrating soil. No, they’d want her to stay strong, keep pushing and fighting despite the odds. Who is she? Some sort of pathetic abdicator? This is not how Kai raised her. This is not how she grew up kicking and fighting to keep her nose above the water’s surface. She gnaws on her bottom lip, convinced her canines broke skin as a ferrous taste blooms across her tongue.
“Think about them. Do it for them.” He shifts closer to Nya, the bed dipping further with their weight. “We’ll get them back. First Kai, then Jay, okay?”
They lock eyes; deep jade combatting rich amber. Her heart flutters with a newfound rhythm, thrumming like a hesitant drum. “Promise. Promise me, Lloyd.”
Before he can even open his mouth, she throws herself into his arms again, clinging tightly as if he’d disappear if she let go. He places a hand on his sister’s back and nuzzles into her warm, olive skin.
“ I promise .”