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Mr. Aizawa pinched the bridge of his nose. "Remind me again, why are you wearing the 'Pie Face' Stand over your Spiderman costume?"
Izuku reclined in the office chair, which was barely holding together at this point, and took a bite of a slightly burned cookie. "Kacchan said it was a fitting punishment for the crimes I committed."
"Which was...?"
"Exposing Aunt May's secret affair with Steve Erwin."
Mr. Aizawa sighed. "Maybe you should just start from the beginning..."
Izuku nodded, propping his feet on the nearly broken table, the heels of his red snow boots landing on the center of the splintering crack that stretched over the top. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an All Might pencil case. "Oh yeah, did you want a cookie? President Ida made them."
"You know, I think I'm fine." Aizawa said warily, eyeing the pencil shavings and glitter that littered the cookies.
"Suit yourself, they're apricot and tomato." The problem child took a large bite of a fresh cookie and leaned back. "As you know, today is Kacchan's birthday."
"I'm aware." Aizawa nodded, reflecting on Bakugo's over-the-top bad mood.
"Well, we wanted to do something special for him, since he clearly wasn't going to do it himself. So we all got together and decided on a death match."
Aizawa raised his eyebrows.
"But then All Might heard us and said we weren't allowed. So we decided on a costume party."
"And where exactly is All Might right now?"
"He's in jail. He cheated at Monopoly."
"Right, of course."
"So, anyway-" Izuku stopped, grimaced, and spit something into his hand. It appeared to be one of the small troll dolls with wild hair, Aizawa thought, but how would that possibly end up in a cookie? The boy across from him seemed oblivious to the absurdity of the situation as he continued his story.
"It was then we realized we didn't really have costumes, so we got Ms. Midnight to take us to Spirit Halloween. Have you ever been there? Crazy stuff, man."
Izuku stopped and adjusted the Pie Face Board, which was beginning to leave faint red lines on his freckled cheeks.
"Why don't you take that off?" Aizawa asked.
"I can't until 11:39 tonight, or I'll be cursed to marry an "ugly-ass old hag". Kacchan's words, not mine."
'Apparently teenagers, when left to their own devices,' Aizawa contemplated. 'Were reduced to the mental stability of a house centipede.'
"As you can see," Izuku said, gesturing to himself proudly. "I am Spiderman."
"Right, but why the snow boots? And where, dare I ask, is your mask?"
"Oh, the boots are for when we venture into Todoroki's realm. And I lent my mask to Alien Queen for her bank heist."
Aizawa wondered briefly if he should be worried about his students. "Okay. But at what point did the paintball guns come out?"
Izuku paled. "You know about the paintball guns?"
"The whole back of your head is bright yellow."
"I'm finding my niche, Sensei."
"..." Aizawa hesitated, rubbing his forehead with his hand.
"Fine, yeah... Kaminari brought out the paintball guns because we kept waking him up."
"Kaminari. Was trying to sleep? Not Shinso or Bakugo or even Tokoyami?" Aizawa was stunned.
"No, Shinso was too busy plotting his coup slash wedding with Countess Hatsume, and Kacchan was building a raft out of the countertop."
Aizawa was afraid to ask. "And Tokoyami...?"
"Conducting tests on how many chopsticks we could fit in Kami's nose."
Never, in all of Aizawa's years of teaching, had he ever-
A timer buzzed loudly from the next room over, causing Izuku to jump in surprise. "Ack, my volcano! Do you mind...?" He looked at his teacher apologetically.
"Go ahead." Aizawa sighed. "But send Bakugo in here on your way."
***☆***
Bakugo, the birthday boy himself, sat on the edge of the table and swung his legs idly. The gray folds of his Grim Reaper costume pooled on the splintered tabletop and hung over the edge like a waterfall. "What didja need, Sensei? I gotta get out there and protect my troops. They're gonna frigging die on their own."
"Right... This won't take long. Could you- Do you mind possibly sitting in the chair?"
"Nah, I'm used to it up here." Bakugo said, as though no further explanation was needed. Aizawa noticed that under his drooping hood, he sported a Mario hat and star-shaped sunglasses.
Aizawa was so tired. It was long after he was supposed to be off duty. And yet, he was intrigued by the utterly absurd shenanigans of his homeroom class. "Would you mind telling me what exactly is happening right now?"
"Oh, gladly." Bakugo cracked his knuckles and pushed up his sunglasses as he began to speak. "After school, I was just walking to the dorms, minding my own damn business, and then I got ambushed! By that purple pint-sized cretin, of all people!"
Aizawa raised his eyebrows, mildly impressed.
"That little creep stuck me to the ground with his-" Bakugo paused. "His grape hair things. And you wouldn't guess what he was wearing."
"What?"
"A freaking kimono! Like he's in the Taisho period or something. And he had this plastic sword- Which I broke- and he calls me a demon, just out of the damn blue!"
"I see."
"How friggin dare he. After that, Broom Hair shows up dressed like Sherlock ever-loving Holmes and punts the purple thing off me. At this point, Sensei, I was just shook."
Aizawa noted the unusual use of slang and casual speech, figuring it was likely from sugar overdose or something like that. "And so?"
"So I let the Maple Leaf lead me to the common room, where I was met with a freaking mardi gras parade! I mean, confetti, loud music, it was so damn annoying!" The smile on the boy's face said otherwise, but Aizawa let it slide.
"And in the middle of it, Dunce Face was crashed on the freakin couch with a pillow over his head. It's a Saturday afternoon, y'know, so naps are kinda normal? Not for Sparkplug, though."
"Unusual." Aizawa agreed.
"So Scotch Tape- Who was a baseball player, by the way- Thought it would be a good idea to put chopsticks up his nose. And the bird helped."
"So I've heard."
"Guess how many we could fit in there?" Bakugo asked, almost giddily.
"....." Aizawa really didn't get paid enough for this. "How many...?"
"TWELVE. TWELVE FRIGGING CHOPSTICKS."
The pro hero nearly applauded.
"And as soon as we step foot in there, they all just start freaking applauding, like we're damn celebrities or something. And then-" Bakugo shuddered. "They SANG."
"Oh? The Happy Birthday song?"
"NO! CROCODILE ROCK!"
"By Elton John?"
"No, no. The Steve Erwin version."
Aizawa hadn't known there was a Steve Erwin version. "Huh."
"Shinso plays the kazoo. Really damn well." Bakugo confessed, as if this were necessary information in any way.
This, Aizawa did know. "Right. Well, I'll let you get back to your...Troops."
A rare smile lit the blond's face for a split second as he leapt off the table, robes trailing behind him, and left the room. Aizawa could just barely hear him mutter under his breath as he left.
"Best frigging birthday ever."
***☆***
Aizawa looked at the student in front of him with raised eyebrows. She was an extremely guilty looking student, with thick dreads of light pink hair and wide golden eyes, and gummy vampire teeth lodged in her mouth. Besides those and the heavy black velvet cloak she was wearing, she appeared relatively normal compared to the other interrogated students.
"H-Hey, Eraser Head."
"Hatsume." He greeted. "Care to explain why this table is nearly cracked in half? Eyewitnesses said you did it."
"Damn secret agents, ratting me out." Hatsume muttered darkly, her fake teeth unsticking for a moment. As she rushed to adjust them, she smiled sheepishly. "Well, it's Kiri Holmes's fault, he took me in for questioning."
"Why- Wait, who?" This was becoming needlessly complicated, in Aizawa's opinion.
"Kiri Holmes, famous detective." Hatsume explained impatiently. "He said I looked suspicious, so he brought me to his office and started interrogating me!! It's not like I was planning to overthrow the Ice King..." The girl laughed nervously.
Aizawa stared at her, waiting for the explanation.
"And I maybe, kinda, sorta... Brought one of my babies in here? And it blew up?"
"Right. Anything else you'd like to say?"
"Is Hito- Er, Shinso really your kid?" Hatsume fidgeted nervously.
Aizawa sighed and pointed her out the door.
****
"Right, but the baseball in the coffee was totally my fault." Sero admitted, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "It was a home run, though, by the way."
"Why were you playing baseball inside of the dorms?"
"If it ain't out, don't pout?" Sero offered, pulling his hat low over his eyes.
Aizawa contemplated just canceling the whole operation right then and there and sending them all to bed immediately. But something about the shrieking and laughing and playful shouting was a slight comfort, after all the stress the heroes had been under lately. At least, he resigned himself, kids are still kids.
"You're close with Kaminari, right?" The teacher asked instead.
"Yea, I think so." Sero tossed a coffee-stained baseball into the air a few times.
"I've heard a few people say he was trying to sleep earlier, despite him typically being the main agent of chaos."
Sero snorted. "I may have to tell him you said that- Do you have any of the apricot cookies, by chance?"
Aizawa gave him a look in answer.
"Right. Anyway -And don't tell him I told you this -, he was up all night writing songs for Jiro, as well as last minute-ing some homework."
"I knew it." Aizawa muttered. "All right. And... How's Bakugo? It is his celebration, correct?"
"Oh, he's great. Last I saw, he and his forces were marching to Todoroki's ice palace. I think it was a hostile takeover, but they had Girl Scout cookies, sooo..."
"Classic deception."
"SERO!" Howled Kaminari's voice from the other room. "They won't leave me alone, come beat them with your bat!"
Sero shrugged, grinning as he got up. "Guess that's my cue to leave."
****☆****
Once again, Izuku sat in the crumbling desk chair, feet upon the table and a slice of cake in hand.
"Get a fork." Aizawa groaned. "Or at least a plate."
"Kacchan said this is how real men eat cake."
"Ah. I see the Pie Face board is gone." The teacher observed dryly.
"It's past 11:39!" Izuku exclaimed. "Actually, what are you still doing here, Sensei? It's almost three o clock!"
"Well... I figure if All Might's in jail, someone has to keep you all in check." Aizawa sighed, a slight smile creeping onto his face.
"Cool!" Izuku chirped. "Oh, yeah. President Ida made a cake this time! Coconut and blueberry. Want some?"
"... Yeah, okay."