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She thinks all of them remember the lives that they did not have, even if they don't talk about it. Yona thinks that Hak and Soo-won also share the terrible dreams she has that maybe memories of events that never happened, but they never mention it.
How do you just bring up the all too real dream of your husband with a sword to your throat, anyway?
Yona knows she's not the only one because some days it feels as though Soo-won distances himself from them and refuses to look Yona in the eye. Other mornings Hak awakens in a frenzy and rips Yona from Soo-won's side, his pupils dilated and panting but when he calms down- realizes it was all a dream- he won't explain his nightmares.
Occasional nights, Yona wakes up crying, and she knows she's been sobbing in her sleep because both Hak and Soo-won have her in their arms.
The dreams aren't always bad, but when they're not bad they fill her with longing. Yona dreams of being a dragon, strong and proud and red like the dawn, flying and racing through all of Kouka. A band of dragons follow her lead- green and blue and white and gold- and together they bring hope and healing throughout the kingdom. Always at her side is a fearsome tiger with claws of lightning and a roar like thunder and he never lets any harm come to her. A young man joins them, speaks to the people for them, since they are beasts, and all together they are happy. They are a family. And dragon Yona cares for all of them as much as human Yona cares for Hak and Soo-won.
When she wakes from those dreams she finds herself longing to see the world outside the castle walls- a place she has never been before and will probably never go in this lifetime. Hak is a general and leaves to visit Fuuga and fight in battles. Even Soo-won ventures out from time to time to lead his troops and make rounds as Kouka's King, but Yona never leaves. Soo-won may be the emperor but Yona is their empress and the one who carries Hiryuu's blood in her veins. And, besides, the world is too dangerous for their delicate queen (Yona and Hak and Soo-won know this is untrue-that Yona can be as fierce and powerful as the dragon in their dreams- but this is the game they play out of necessity). Her fate is to live a life of peace and luxury and to bare the emperor a son to carry on Hiryuu's line- not a bad life, but a boring one.
Though they do not speak of it, Hak and Soo-won both fear that one day, Yona may leave them. When they catch her gazing toward the mountains or in the direction of the sea worried glances are exchanged and they do her best to direct her attention elsewhere. It was a curious thing when she first started doing it- shortly after her sixteenth birthday and just after her and Soo-won's engagement- so much so that one time Hak dared to question what she saw in the distance.
Someone was calling for her, she had told him, eyes still fixed on the forest in the distance, someone she didn't know and someone who didn't know her, but someone none the less. Someone who needed her. Someone who was waiting for her. And when she turned back to face Hak her eyes were filled with such a sadness he had never seen her wear before. He never wanted to see that sadness or longing from her, so he never asked again.
Later, he and Soo-won would make a silent pact to never let her leave the castle, for as much as they loved her and wanted to give her everything she desired, they knew that if she ever stepped foot outside the castle walls they would never see her again.
In all, Yona does not mind this peaceful life. She has her home and her father and both of the men she loves more than anything together with her and she decides it is not so bad. The life in her dreams may be filled with wild adventures and majestic beasts but it is also hard and terrifying and while Yona is strong she wonders how the Yona in her dreams can live through such nightmares. This world, her world, is good to her, and most of the time she can brush off the feeling that something is missing. Mostly, she can ignore the thought that she may be meant for something greater.