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He's always been different; he could list a hundred ways simply off the top of his head—silver hair, yellow and purple eyes, and most obviously the ability to turn into a tiger. But he doesn't mean it on a physical level, sort of.
He wouldn't say he had the best sex ed -aka not really any- but from what he can tell something about him is just… wrong.
He wasn't wrong in a way he could name, he wasn't dysfunctional, at least not in the medical way but something certainly felt like it wasn't functioning correctly, like he wasn't functioning correctly.
‘Pleasuring himself’ if he can even call it always felt dull, a chore. He’ll admit to looking up a few things for curiosity's sake but instead of feeling some sort of intense arousal, it felt like watching a low-budget film.
That didn't stop him from trying, to reach some believed normalcy. But that just left him feeling disgusted, nauseous, and somehow sinful. He can't even say he's religious, Japan while being chaste doesn't have much in the way of Christianity. At least where he grew up, but despite all that it feels like the perfect descriptor for what he feels.
He feels like an outlier, some sort of castaway, I mean even the thought of actual sex with another person leaves a heavy feeling in his stomach, one he knows he isn't supposed to have.
He doesn't even know who to bring it up to, sex is such a taboo word let alone a discussion with -colleagues. Like sure Yosano’s a doctor but he still has to face her every day and he’d just rather keep them all at arm's length in these matters.
Even since he learned more about his past (even if ‘learn’ is an exaggeration) it could give a reason but somehow that's even worse. To know it was all out of his control. For it to be something he has no hope of fixing. It's better for it to be his fault than unchangeable.
He’d rather avoid this forever like he does with most of his problems but having a boyfriend does make it gnaw at him a little more. From everything he's seen in media and alike, couples are supposed to do... that.
He can't say he's all too eager for it, but he loves Akutagawa dearly and he thinks he could it do for him. He's dealt with worse surely this won't be that bad?
He knows his boyfriend is sure to be wary after hearing his confession but he wants to be good. He needs to, almost as much as his lungs crave oxygen.
Despite the improvement Akutagawa has made, he’ll still never bring it up so he swallows his shame and prepares to bite the bullet.
On a day when they both miraculously are free, he stares into his tea and takes a breath in.
“Have you ever considered…” he pauses making sure he has his attention. “Well, going further..?” He shifts the cup nervously in his hand. His fingers riddled with nerves.
“Further?” Akutagawa inquires with a raised brow. “You mean sex right?
Despite his lack of enthusiasm Atsushi still finds himself blushing “You don't need to be so upfront-” he sputters, coughing to hide his embarrassment, “but yes, I mean uh that ”
His partner shrugs seeming unfazed “I've always assumed it wasn't something you were ready for”
Atsushi bites the inside of his cheek, “is it because of my... Past?”
“Partly, but even before you've always been the nervous type” Akutagawa sips his tea like he’s talking about today's forecast “I'm not the most touchy-feely person so it’s never really been something I've needed to bring up”
Atsushi watches as his eyes seem to bore straight to his soul.
“But why? Do you think you're ready? Akutagawa finally asks after a brief pause
No Atsushi thinks but “yes” falls from his lips, a bitter lie. He feels horrible lying to his boyfriend but it's for the greater good (at least that's what he tells himself)
“Are you sure? Don't pressure yourself on my account”
Akutagawa has never been super expressive but he can tell that look is radiating care. care that makes him feel sick to his stomach. Even his assurances feel hollow.
“Yeah, just nervous” Atsushi chuckles, he's nervous alright, but not for the reasons the older man may assume.
He's using every ounce of composure he can muster to appear just nervous, not terrified. Not dreading whenever they plan for it.
Thankfully their schedule dont align for a few weeks, but unthankfully it gives him time to stew. To worry, it almost oozes into his performance at work but he pulls at his threads enough to keep his seams from coming loose.
He's doing this to show his boyfriend he loves him.
What greater sacrifice is that?
When the day comes it's a whirlwind. It starts with him being asked if he's okay again.
He swallows his pride and lies. Ignoring any bile threatening to rise.
It starts off nice enough, sweet kisses and tender touches stuff he's used to. But he can feel it when it starts to become more. They grow stronger, they hold a passion he fumbles to reciprocate.
He feels his suspenders get tugged from his shoulders, and with unsteady hands, he brings his to remove Akutagawa’s coat.
He truly thought he could take this but when his shirt is discarded and his scars are shown, the disgusting coagulated burn marks covering most of his abdomen.
Hideous.
as everything is laid bare he cannot suppress the sheer look of ad nauseam on his face.
His look doesn't go unnoticed as Akutagawa stops his ministrations.
“Are you alright?” the raven-haired man's face oozes concern.
“Yeah,” Atsushi tried to respond but the quiver in his voice betrayed him.
His partner gives him an incredulous look as he pulls away completely.
“Do not lie to me Jinko, especially not now.” he's given a serious look, one that means business.
All he can do is uselessly look away hoping the bed could swallow him whole.
“Was there something I did that upset you in particular?” Akutagawa begins to press.
Atsushi opens his mouth slightly before shutting it, how can he say ‘yes, everything’ without seeming pathetic.
“Guess the mood wasn’t right” he chuckles weakly
Akutagawa raises a (nonexistent) eyebrow “No, I don't believe you, you're one of the worst liars I've ever met in my life.”
Atsushi just sighs, pressing his forehead into his hands “I don't know why I'm like this,” he mutters.
Akutagawa huffs lightly, “Like what? Upset?”
Atsushi looks up shaking his head “Broken,” he finally chokes out.
His partner looks at him in confusion “Broken? How on earth are you broken?”
“How can you not tell? I hate sex! The idea makes me wanna vomit and I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm supposed to want this..” Atsushi attempts to keep any tears away knowing he’s five seconds away from sobbing.
Akutagawa's gaze softens ever so slightly “You’ve confessed your.. history to me, I'd say it’s natural to have unpleasant feelings on the topic”
“So what? I'm messed up forever because of something I can't even remember?!” He says in a loud exasperated tone
Akutagawa cuts in “I never said you’re ‘messed up’” he accompanied with finger quotes, “I said you have a history and it’s normal”
Atsushi's eyes blur as tears pool quickly “But this is what people who love each other are supposed to do”
Akutagawa gives him an unreadable expression, he's so stupid, he should’ve just kept his mouth shut he's so pathetic the headmaster was right he’s-
“Are you actually daft Jinko?” The older man says cutting into his thoughts
“Huh…?” He says hesitantly
“Did you think if you said you didn’t want to have sex, we'd what? break up?” Akutagawa asks incredulously.
“Well maybe..” Atsushi mutters “You just deserve someone who can give you what you need..”
Akutagawa pinches the bridge of his nose “And what gave you the impression I need sex?”
Atsushi's face heats up a little “Um.. tv..? In all the shows it's a final seal of their love”
Akutagawa looks at him strangely again “For one you need to watch different shows and two, you know me as relatively touch adversed, what if I said I never wanted sex would you hate me then?”
He pauses “Well.. no but it's different”
“How's it different?” Akutagawa says crossing his arms
“Well I'm me,” Atsushi stubbornly replies
“Yes you are, and for some unfathomable reason I am in love with this you,” Akutagawa says looking away ever so slightly.
Atsushi's breath hitches as the tears he's tried so hard to keep back for so long finally pour.
Curse Akutagawa and getting him to unbury his feelings.
Akutagawa sighs softly and pulls him in, running his hand through his white hair.
“It’ll be alright” he whispers
“When did you get good at comforting?” Atsushi laughs wetly
Akutagawa lets out a small smile at the sound (not that he’d admit it)
“I think I just had a good teacher,” he says sickenly softlike.
Nothing will ever be okay, this isn’t something you can fix. It will linger on your skin just as harshly as scars. But if Akutagawa can love his marred form maybe he loves his mind the same way.
He surges to kiss him, tasting the salt from his own tears.
Nothing is healed, but maybe it can bleed less.
Because no matter what he knows Ryūnosuke Akutagawa loves him, loves him like he is the sun. And nothing can ever compare to that.