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For what feels like the millionth time since just walking into the house, Buck wipes his sweaty hands on the front of his pants. He could easily blame it on the Los Angeles heat if it were not for Karen liking the air conditioning set at a rather cool temperature that has Hen walking around the chilled house with a sweater on. Besides, the truth of the matter is that the slight jolt of nerves pulsing throughout his entire body is the actual reason for the annoyingly excessive amount of sweat coating Buck’s palms.
Hen makes her way back to the dining room and sets down a glass of iced tea in front of Buck before she takes a seat at the head of the table directly to Buck’s right. “So, what life-altering event has plagued your existence this time?” She questions in a half-sarcastic manner.
Buck can only blink at her for a moment and watches as she takes a sip from her own glass and gives him an expectant look that finally has him stuttering out a response. “W-what?”
Hen sets down her glass and leans back in her chair. “Well, the last time you showed up here unannounced on a day off we got drunk and you told me that you were considering being a sperm donor.” Buck lets out a nervous chuckle at the words and ducks his head down. “And now you’re acting the same way you did then, sweaty palms and avoidant glances and all,” Hen says, pointing out the nervous ticks he’s been repeating since inviting himself inside.
Buck can only give a small nod while a soft exhale slips right past his lips. Hen has always been pretty good at reading people and their micromovements. She’s thoroughly observant, something you need to be when you’re a paramedic, and Hen is the best damn paramedic Buck knows. So of course he was never going to be able to hide the slight bit of nervousness from her, not that he was really trying anyway.
“It’s nothing– I mean, there is something that I want to tell you but it’s not as big as being semi-responsible for bringing a new life into the world,” Buck says quickly, and with each word he lets stumble right off of his tongue seems to only have his nerves spiking just the tiniest bit more.
Hen can read it so clearly too. She knows all the telltale signs of building anxiousness and has seen it more times than she cares to ever try and estimate. Hen also knows that right now this isn’t her job. She knows that at this moment Buck does not need Paramedic Hen to diagnose him with a tad bit of anxiety. Right now Buck needs Best Friend Hen, and so that is exactly who she is going to be.
Buck watches as Hen leans slightly forward in her seat, meeting Buck’s own apprehensive gaze with a comforting softness in her eyes and patience in her demeanor. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t need to, not when Buck can feel the calmness radiating off of her and basically surrounding himself in a much needed invisible hug.
The building nervousness slowly eases out of Buck’s body as he nods his head and takes a deep breath. It’s just Hen, that’s something he needs to remind himself of. Buck knows that this won’t ever change anything between them or have her view him in a different light, he knows that. Still, maybe it’s not as easy as having it accidentally slip with Maddie but it’s also not as anxiety-inducing as it was trying to tell Eddie numerous times.
Finally, Buck feels the words he knows he needs to say start to form. “Basically about a week ago now, something happened,” he starts slowly as Hen continues to show her utmost undivided attention to every word he speaks, “I kissed someone– well, actually he sort of kissed me but I kissed him back.” For a moment Buck has his eyes wander over everything in the room except at Hen.
It’s silent for a moment, a moment so brief that it shouldn’t even be considered a moment to begin with but that miniscule moment of silence is deafening to Buck. So, with his nerves beginning to spike again, he finally lets his eyes land back on Hen. Buck doesn’t know what he was expecting when he finally allows himself to look back at one of his best friends.
Shock, maybe? Or perhaps some sign that Hen has started to reevaluate every single thing that she thought she ever knew about Buck?
What he was not expecting, however, was that same comforting softness in her eyes along with a glint of something new that he can’t quite make out yet and the slightest hint of a smile tugging at the corners of Hen’s lips. For some odd reason, the calmness continuing to radiate off of Hen is so much more relieving and comforting than even the tiniest amount of surprise she could have shown.
Hen then leans forward slightly more just enough to fold her arms over each other on top of the table. “So, you kissed someone– you kissed a guy, then what?” She questions lightly which only brings more relief to Buck considering that he’s still trying to answer questions about himself and Hen clearly isn’t going to press him for any information he doesn’t even know how to answer yet.
Buck clicks his tongue once and gives a soft smile. “Uhm, well, we went on a date and– though it didn’t end very fairytale-like but we did talk and sort things out, and then I sort of invited him to the wedding as my date.” Hen easily nods along to every word Buck says.
He begins to truly relax now seeing that the big news has dropped and Hen has remained as patient and comforting as ever. Buck leans his own arms on the table now, sort of mimicking the way Hen has hers placed.
“I guess,” Buck lets out a soft sigh, “I just didn’t want you to be blindsided or have it be this huge deal when I show up to the wedding with a guy as my date.” Sure Buck can’t go through the entire guest list in order to come out to everyone before the wedding but telling the people who matter most in the world to him is something that he wants to do.
“And it doesn’t have to be,” Hen says quickly, “A big deal, I mean. And if anybody has something to say about it then you send them in my direction and I will sort them out quickly.” Buck softly chuckles at her words, knowing that she really does mean them too. “You do not have to put other people’s feelings into consideration especially when it comes to something like this.” Hen continues softly.
Her words really do bury their way into Buck’s mind too. Buck has been around so many queer people in his life who are so proudly and unapologetically queer as well, and he has always admired that. Maybe even yearned for that kind of openness too without him really knowing the underlying reason for it. Now here sits Hen– someone he has truly admired since the first day he met her– telling him that now it’s his turn to finally allow himself to be proud, unapologetic, and free.
And though Buck knew he could finally be all of that and more, actually hearing it from someone– someone he loves unconditionally and will forever see as family– feels so much more different. It almost feels like Hen had planted a tree solely for Buck to take in a deep breath of fresh air that has not yet been polluted by humanity.
“And how do you feel about it?” Hen then questions slowly.
Buck looks at her, it takes a moment for him to actually process the words and what she means by them. It’s a question that he has not been asked yet or even has asked himself. Sure, he briefly brushed over it with Maddie but now he is being asked that question with no wiggle room to deflect.
Buck takes a deep breath and sits up straight. “I mean– I’m not weirded out about it or anything.” He says, repeating words he had said on his date. “I’m an ally, you know that.” Again that word, ally, slips right off his tongue. He’s beginning to think that maybe it’s his safeword, the one thing he knows he can describe himself as he tries to figure out what word will taste perfectly on his tongue to describe himself.
Hen’s soft look drastically changed to one that can only be described as bemused. It’s the Hen look. The one where he is very much not impressed with her slightly furrowed brows and downward tilt of her head.
“Buck,” She says, placing his hand on Buck’s forearm as if the touch is meant to knock some sense into him if her words don’t, “you kissed a guy, you went on a date with a guy, you are actively pursuing a romantic relationship with a guy." Hen’s tone remains that special kind of sarcastic that is extremely dry and it has Buck biting back a smile.
“I think it’s safe to say we can retire the ally label now.” Hen continues and immediately Buck’s smile starts to falter.
Buck purses his lips and slowly nods as he quickly looks down at where Hen’s hand is still comfortingly placed on his arm. “Yeah, I guess I just…” He trails off for a moment to bring his gaze back to Hen’s eyes then takes another deep steadying breath. “I’m not sure which label to use yet.” As the words slip past his lips in a half-whisper, Hen’s face softens once more.
“And that is completely okay.” Her words come out simultaneously gentle and firm as if really trying to lift any pressure Buck has been putting on himself to have all the answers right away.
Buck hasn’t really thought about it before– well at least in the week that he’s been enlightened about this part of himself– but he still has had this feeling of urgency nagging in the back of his mind telling him that he needs to figure out exactly who he is now. Hearing Hen’s words though has helped ease away the sort of hounding he has had for himself since that illuminating kiss.
“Look,” Hen continues slowly, causing Buck to look her in the eyes again, “some of us are lucky enough to know who we are at a young age, others don’t start to figure that out until later in life. You’ll find the word that feels like you, and even if you don’t that will not make you any less queer.” Every reposeful word that leaves Hen’s mouth touches Buck right in the center of his heart and has him getting all choked up.
“It’s not a race, Buck,” Hen says softly, “You’re allowed to take your time, breathe it all in, and finally exhale.” She finishes with a reassuring squeeze of Buck’s arm.
And Buck does. With tears prickling in the corners of his eyes now, he lets out a heavy breath that he feels like he’s been holding his entire life. He moves a hand to place it directly on top of Hen’s where she has it still gently squeezing his arm while giving her a small nod and an appreciative smile.
“Thank you,” Buck says almost in a whisper as he blinks away the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He’s not quite thanking her for accepting him immediately, he knew she would, but more so for knowing exactly what Buck needed to hear even if he didn’t quite know it himself.
After a moment of tranquil silence, Hen pats Buck’s arm before pulling away and saying, “So, you said the date didn’t end all fairytale-like, so what is the story there?” She quirks an eyebrow out of curiosity as she picks up her glass and takes another sip of iced tea.
Buck lets out an amused scoff as he recalls the night. “Long story short, Eddie sort of showed up and I sort of made an ass of myself to cover up what I wasn’t ready to tell him which then led to my date leaving me standing alone outside of the restaurant.” Even though things did work out in the end, even just thinking back on what he had done that night still gives him a shiver of embarrassment running down his spine.
Hen nods her head along before raising her eyebrows slightly. “Eddie magically showing up and crashing your first date with a guy. Why is that actually the least shocking thing that you’ve told me today?” The sarcasm easily rolls off of her tongue and causes Buck to let out a soft chuckle.
“So me being…” Buck trails off for a moment then sucks in a sharp breath before continuing, “It’s surprising?” Immediately Hen scrunches up her nose in a way that is both sheepish and guilty which tells Buck the complete opposite of what he had asked.
He then gives her his own look of shock.
Hen then begins to defend herself. “Sure there were times, often, where I thought ‘Oh yeah, that boy definitely has a touch of queerness in him’.” Buck lets out a genuine and light laugh at her words. He knows Hen to hardly ever be wrong, and this confession just proves that more.
“But,” She continues, causing Buck to stifle his amusement allowing her to finish, “it was never my place to push my own theories onto you. This was always something you needed to figure out yourself. And I am so damn happy that you are now.” Once again Buck can feel Hen’s words tugging at his heartstrings so perfectly that has his eyes starting to water.
“Yeah,” Buck responds with a small sniffle, “I am too.” He adds with a soft smile that has a glint of admiration and joy sparkling in Hen’s eyes.
The sound of the front door opening followed by three pairs of footsteps has Buck quickly wiping at his watering eyes as he stands from the table along with Hen. They watch as Karen, Denny, and Mara enter the house with grocery bags in their hands.
Karen quickly does a double take as she takes in the sight of her wife and Buck in the dining room, clearly with the look on her face she gets a sudden feeling of deja vu.
“Don’t tell me you two got into the liquor cabinet again.” She says as a half-joke as the kids bring their bags of groceries into the kitchen.
Buck can feel the heat rush to his cheeks and Hen goes and greets her wife with a kiss and takes the bags from her hands. “Don’t worry we only raided the iced tea pitcher,” Hen says before making her own way into the kitchen to offload the last bags onto the counter.
It gives Buck the room he needs to greet Karen with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “It’s good to see you, are you staying for dinner?” Karen then questions as they pull away from each other.
Buck immediately gives her an apologetic look. “Sorry, I sort of already have plans tonight. Rain check?”
Karen points a stern finger at him then. “I’m holding that to you, Buckley.” Her voice is firm but her smile stays bright and warm.
“Don’t get her started,” Hen says, making her way back into the room, “next thing you know we’re having weekly Buckley-Wilson dinners.” The sarcasm in her voice doesn’t go unnoticed by Buck.
Especially not by Karen either by the offended look she gives her wife. “I wouldn’t go as far to say weekly,” Karen defends herself, “How about a Bi-weekly Buck Banquet?” She muses with a proud smile as Hen groans playfully.
Buck on the other hand does not hate it. A Bi-weekly Buck Banquet doesn’t sound too bad, and it definitely rolls off the tongue nicely.
“Well, I could definitely fit you into my schedule every other week.” Buck smiles back at Karen which only has Hen rolling her eyes at him for playing into the antics.
“On that note, I am officially kicking you out of my house,” Hen says as she then begins to usher Buck towards the front door but not before Karen can steal another quick hug from him.
As soon as Buck steps out onto the porch he suddenly remembers a question that he hasn’t even fully answered from earlier. He turns to Hen as she stands in the doorway.
“Remember last year when I asked you what you thought the secret to happiness was and that you said I needed to find that out myself?” He questions.
Hen immediately knows where this is going as she leans against the doorframe with a small smile starting to curve the corners of her lips upwards. “Let me guess, you think you finally found it?”
Buck tilts his head down as he bites the inside of his cheek before he finally looks up at Hen again. “Not quite,” he begins softly, “but I do think this new revelation is the step I needed to take to get me to that answer.” The words sound so right coming off of his tongue. They’re genuine, sweet-tasting, and just overall relieving to say.
They also have Hen stepping onto the porch to pull Buck into a hug. She gives him a gentle squeeze as he ducks his head down to bury his face into her shoulder for just a moment as they stand holding onto each other as the sun begins to set under the Los Angeles horizon.
Buck is just one step closer to his happiness, to his freedom.