Work Text:
Angeal signed at the bottom of the report, confirming he’d looked through it and everything was in order. He moved the folder to the left-hand pile, allowing himself a low, long sigh as he looked over to the right side and was met with a pile nearly double the size of the finished one.
He dropped the pen and leaned back in his chair, head thudding against its back and pressing both hands over his face. His thumbs dug into his eye sockets hard enough for stars to start dancing, but at least he had some other kind of pressure to focus on besides the violent pulsation of his temples.
Yet again he’d been left to man the office by himself, because he worked with two emotionally stunted adults who only sometimes had a sense of duty. No, that’s not quite true. Sephiroth does his work at least 50-58% of the time, he admonished to himself. Genesis does it when he’s in a decent mood- which is roughly 10% of the time.
The last he’d seen of them had been roughly two hours ago. Genesis had dramatically thrown his work to the side and stood up, marching over to Sephiroth and demanding they get a snack and then duel- which was practically routine at this point. In the beginning Genesis had tried to rope Angeal into the nonsense but had given up after the third time Angeal had gently reminded him of his responsibility to be dutiful and honorable- which involved doing his paperwork. Being a SOLDIER couldn’t just be about exciting sword fights and glory in battle, after all, but sometimes- like now, and the majority of the time, if he was being entirely honest with himself- it seemed like he was the only one who thought that, as evidenced by his current situation. The amount of paperwork Angeal had been saddled with was meant to be divided up into a three person workload, and here he was doing it all by himself.
Grabbing another folder, he resigned himself to his fate. What was he supposed to do, after all? Whine and complain? Stomp off and hide in a corner until his fairy godmother came along to do it? He nearly snorted aloud at that. He was his own fairy godmother, he could do it himself.
And just when he was about to focus in on yet another tedious report, the door to the shared first class office was violently thrown open. He managed to keep himself from jumping at the impact it made with the wall, but just barely.
A tornado of red came rushing in, heavy military boots beating against the floor, a frequent victim to such outbursts. Then it threw itself onto a rolling office chair that groaned in weak protest, already succumbing to its own inevitable suffering but giving one last feeble cry before said impact fully struck it.
After the torrent of noise and dramatics, Angeal waited for the complaining that always followed such a display, but it didn’t come. Realizing it was one of those outbursts, Angeal straightened himself from his hunched over position above the desk, set the pen down again, and rotating his office chair to face the new/old comer.
”What’s bothering you Genesis? Did the spar prove unsatisfying?”
Genesis remained silent a bit longer, glaring at a spot on the floor with his arms folded over his chest, sprawled in his chair and legs spread. He resembled a child that had just gotten his toy taken away and put into timeout for poor behavior.
Then he growled in annoyance and raked a hand through his hair quickly, almost yanking it before undoubtedly realizing he could very well pull it out (which was not an option if he ever had any hope of matching Sephiroth’s infamously luxurious, perfectly maintained locks.)
“There wasn’t a spar at all.”
Angeal tilted his head and arched a brow. Strange, usually Sephiroth was more than happy to oblige him. “And why’s that?”
Genesis glanced at him then scowled again at the floor, pulling himself and his rolly-chair to the desk so he could support himself on it. “Look, we went to buy Udon- you know how Sephiroth’s been recently, borderline obsessed with that junk- and on our way to the training room we ran into Kunsel who was holding a box with a bunch of random things inside of it, hollering that it was,” he straightened himself momentarily to quote his next words, “‘Rufus Shinra’s stolen stuff.’”
—
Sephiroth went still next to Genesis, eyes zeroed in on the second class standing a couple feet away from them. Then before Genesis could blink, the human cat had teleported away, already whipping out a 100 Gil bill from seemingly thin air and stabbing it at a stunned Kunsel.
”100 for the whole box. You tell no one of the purchaser's identity.” The first class loomed over the poor kid, his face deadly serious. This seemed to fly directly over Kunsel’s head, who merely nodded enthusiastically and saluted, eagerly handing over the sizable box and taking the offered money.
“Sephiroth what on Gaia are you doing?” Genesis exclaimed when Sephiroth started coming back toward him, box clutched tightly to himself like it was contraband.
”I just realized I had a prior engagement, Genesis. I sincerely apologize, but I’m afraid we must postpone our spar.” The loon didn’t even spare Genesis a glance as he briskly walked past him, looking more intensely focused than when they were dispatched on missions.
Genesis was left sputtering in the middle of the hallway, Sephiroth all but disappearing into thin air.
After a moment to collect himself, Genesis clenched his fists, then reminded himself of just who he was: Genesis Rhapsodos, and Genesis Rhapsodos did not get stood up for any reason- he did the standing up.
And so after activating his SOLDIER sense of smell, he picked up on the scent of the Shinra Super 13 Smell Sephiroth Shampoo- and turned it off for a moment to cough and soothe his suddenly pounding head- and followed after it, only to find himself standing in front of an abandoned conference room on the floor five below the one they’d just been on.
He entered as stealthily as he could, his graceful, light-weight form weaving through the obstacles in his way- and violently banging his big toe on a chair fuckwhyinthegoddesswasthatchairsosturdy- and finding sanctuary behind a tall potted tree inside the room. Luckily for him Sephiroth had left the lights off, so the tree provided a touch more cover.
From this angle he could just make out Sephiroth setting the box down on the table, a look of pure concentration on his face. Then he started pulling out items one by one, making small sounds of acknowledgement before spreading them out all along the table.
How has he not realized that none of this belongs to Rufus? I literally saw Kunsel wearing that shirt the other day. Rufus would probably break out into hives if that thing so much as grazed his skin. And come on that cheap cologne? He’d go into cardiac arrest if he breathed in its fumes.
While not apparently aware of their lack of value, Sephiroth did seem to look increasingly disappointed, apparently not finding the blackmail material he was hoping for- at least, not until the very last thing.
A pair of pastel blue, lacy panties.
—
Angeal choked and sputtered on the gulp of water he’d taken.
The next thing Angeal knew the poor report he’d opened was covered in liquid, a good mix of his saliva and the newly ejected water, he was holding onto the edge of the desk for dear life, and Genesis was trying to drive his fist into his back and through his chest.
”Are you doing okay there? Well, anyway…”
—
At first Sephiroth looked absolutely dumbfounded, staring at the underwear in his hands like it was a foreign entity. He stretched them a little, holding them pinched between the thumb and pointer finger of each of his hands. Then he- ugh seriously?- sniffed them and brought his face disturbingly close before leaning back and finally setting them down, placing his hands flat on the table and hunching over it.
A low, ominous noise echoed throughout the room, and at first Genesis thought the man had been so thoroughly disturbed and destroyed at having held what he thought was Rufus Shinra’s panties that he’d devolved into tears, madness, or both, before belatedly realizing he was chuckling in what could only be described as sadistic glee.
Then he composed himself once more, picked up the panties and Kunsel’s shirt, arranged them meticulously on one of the office chairs in a way that almost looked like they were splayed on a bed, took out his phone, then snapped a picture.
Genesis heard the same disturbing laugh once again, then Sephiroth dutifully packed up all he’d taken out and left the room, humming quietly to himself. It could’ve just been the madness rubbing off on Genesis too, but he could’ve sworn he’d heard him muttering something in Latin just before the door closed.
—
“You’re telling me Sephiroth bought this box of random junk from Kunsel and now plans to make it look like Rufus wears women’s underwear?” Angeal asked in disbelief, voice hoarse and face still somewhat red from his choking episode.
Genesis snorted unattractively. “You’re such a stick in the mud Angeal. ‘Women’s underwear?’” He snickered again.
”That isn’t the point. Didn’t you say the shirt’s cheap anyway? Who’d fall for it?”
Genesis shrugged. “It looks like a plain white button up from the front. Most people wouldn’t be able to tell it was cheap unless they saw the graphic wave on the back. And besides…”
A smirk cut across his features and he whipped out his phone, tapping at it for a bit before turning it so Angeal could see.
His eyebrows jumped into his hairline.
“Wait, that actually looks-”
”Real, right?” Genesis cackled.
Angeal made a vague noise in agreement, leaning forward and picking up his neglected pen to resume the slightly drier report. “Well, you seem to be in a better mood now. I’m sure you see that he didn’t do it to slight you in any way, he did it to slight the vice president.”
Angeal could tell he’d said the wrong thing when he felt the negative energy from before return. Genesis was back to sulking.
”But that’s the point. He has this grudge against him that’s all-consuming. I swear he jumps at every opportunity he gets to undermine or go after him. In fact, he goes out of his way to do it. He doesn’t do that for anyone or anything else.”
”Someone sounds jealous,” Angeal remarked absentmindedly, flipping the page. His handwriting was getting increasingly messy, but he knew Lazard would understand. There was almost a silent agreement between them that his work was only this subpar when he’d had to do all the work.
Predictably Genesis scowled and huffed out, “I’m not jealous. I’m saying it’s a weird and unhealthy obsession. And both ways! Sephiroth seems more hyper fixated but Rufus gives back as good as he gets! I mean don’t you remember how they wrecked floor 24 last week? The entire floor was covered in laser burns, deep sword slashes, bullets, literally every kind of destruction you can think of.”
Angeal hmphed at that. There’d been a lot of paperwork to fill out after that. The employees on that floor had somehow escaped the chaos, but they’d refused to return to the floor until it was fixed.
It still wasn’t fixed.
”I do. It was almost like looking at the aftermath of a recently divorced couple’s scuffle over who gets the house and kids. Come to think of it, most of their arguments sound like that of an old married couple who can’t stand each other anymore after three decades of being together.”
Angeal paused, then looked up.
Genesis was staring at him, mouth agape, gears in his brain clearly turning.
Oh no.
A slow, terrifying grin crept onto the SOLDIER’s face.
“Genesis-“
”That’s it. You’re a genius Angeal.”
Oh no.
Genesis sprung up from his chair, a spring in his step so evident he was practically leaping off the ground with every stride.
”Genesis wait-“
”I’m sorry darling I’m afraid I can’t talk.” He stopped in the doorframe and whirled around, bracing himself on it as he poked his head back in. “I have a wedding to plan.”
—
Rufus leaves the board meeting feeling a sense of peace and quiet unlike any other.
His father had had a horrid coughing fit so severe it led him to choking on his own spit and needing to be escorted out of the room, so the meeting had ended about one and a half hours ahead of schedule.
Prior to that he’d witnessed Lazard slip on what looked to be a misplaced tie in a manner strikingly similar to a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel, and just this morning he’d seen Sephiroth’s popularity dip slightly below his own amongst the people. Now that had been a delightful surprise to wake up and drink coffee to.
Now back in his grand, pristine, luxurious penthouse, he loosened his tie, kicked off his boots, and let Darkstar blanket herself over his legs, for once not minding the crushing pressure of her nearly 300 pound form on top of him. Perhaps it was because he himself felt lighter than air, he hypothesized. And to keep the wondrous feeling with him for longer, he decided to look at the popularity polls again, the ones used to gauge the popularity of various celebrities (apparently he and the SOLDIERs counted as such, and though he disagreed with the assessment, it was nonetheless a good way to observe how the people felt about him and other important figures, so he didn’t mind the less than flattering label too much.)
Only, now he was concerned his vision was deteriorating, because his own popularity was fluctuating by the second.
Rufus’ pale brows furrowed in confusion and he decided to take to the internet- and promptly wished he hadn’t.
There- plastered on the front page of tabloid articles and even a few news networks that were allegedly reputable- was a picture of a white button up and a pair of lacy blue women’s underwear, right below some variation of: “Rufus Shinra: A Progressive Icon or Just a Pervert?” emblazoned in bold letters.
Rufus leapt to his feet, causing Darkstar to roll off like a half ton sack of potatoes to the marble floor. Before the rest of his brain could catch up with what his body was doing, he’d jammed his feet back into his shoes and strode out the door, marching to the SOLDIER floor to track down the person he knew was responsible for such a slight against his undergarment choices.
—
Sephiroth was calmly reading a book in the SOLDIER lounge when his peace and quiet was quite rudely interrupted.
The book was snatched out of his hands and instead a phone was shoved into his face, so close his eyes nearly crossed trying to look at it.
“Would you care to explain the meaning of this?” A deep, steady voice intoned above him. A voice so steady, in fact, that it trembled whilst trying to maintain its aura of nonchalance.
Even before moving his head back to properly look at the screen he knew what it was, but he did it anyway to hear the man’s heart pump even harder in withheld rage.
“Explain what, exactly? I’m not sure how your choice in underwear concerns me.”
The phone was abruptly withdrawn and Sephiroth was left- very unfortunately- staring up at Rufus’ face, starting to crease in an attempt to keep an outburst at bay.
“Because you are the one who leaked it. It’s cited in the many, many articles about it as having come from an anonymous user affiliated with chairwoman H, the person who runs your fan club.”
“And how would I have gotten my hands on one of your shirts and panties?” Rufus’ eye twitched at the last word.
“We both know that shirt isn’t mine. It’s made out of some cheap cotton blend that has very prominent, ugly threading. The lack of consistency isn’t the only mark of its poor quality, but it is the most evident. And then look at this backdrop that’s supposed to be my bed. Aside from the ‘sheets’ being entirely the wrong color, it’s very clearly an office chair, and any trashy tabloid reporter or slighted fling would’ve gone to more effort to make it look like it matched what it was trying to imitate.” Throughout his whole speech Rufus had moved back, using emphatic hand gestures to drive his point. It almost seemed like he was more affronted by the poor showmanship of the picture than of it being leaked.
Sephiroth simply leaned back and arched a brow, arms folded across his chest as he listened to a lecture about the artistry of fake photos.
“You’re starting to sound manic, Rufus, on top of looking it.” Rufus glared down at him. It might’ve been more effective had he not looked such a wreck. His normally perfectly styled hair was unruly and looked like hands had run through it one too many times, his blazer was gone and his button down was open nearly halfway down his chest. Basically everything about him pointed to someone in the beginning stages of a mental breakdown.
“Are you doing this because of that one time I had Reno steal all your clothes and replace them with brightly colored flannel garments?” He asked after a moment, eyes still narrowed.
“No. I had something different in mind to compensate for that, actually.”
Just as Rufus was about to open his mouth again, a loud bang interrupted him.
Both men whirled to the direction the noise had come from, only to see an entire crew of people bustling around, a fallen ladder at the entrance to the elevator.
Unwittingly they both crept closer, only to see a tall, slim figure clad in red at the center of the small congregation, yells of frustration leaving his mouth as he chastised the workers for having moved without his permission and wrecking the ladder in the process.
“Genesis? What’s going on?” Sephiroth asked cautiously, unsure if he really wanted to know.
Genesis abruptly turned and some strange expression flickered across his features before it evened out into a pleasant smile.
“Ah, well if it isn’t my former sparring partner and his new, all-consuming obsession.”
Sephiroth saw Rufus wrinkle his nose in distaste and felt himself mirroring it. “Are you referring to me? You must be mistaken if you are.”
Genesis pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. “I most definitely am not mistaken, but that’s not important right now. I have more pressing matters to attend to.”
”And what would those matters be?” Sephiroth interjected before Genesis could go back to his minions. His minions that were struggling with the ladder that was now stuck between the elevator doors that opened and closed at irregular intervals. It seemed they’d even managed to mess up the motion detectors.
”You’ll find out in roughly a week’s time, if these amateurs could pull themselves together and do the job I’m paying them an absurd amount of money to do!”
“And he’s gone,” Rufus commented unhelpfully beside him.
Sephiroth glared at him.
Rufus flashed him a paparazzi grin.
”Oh by the way, the recreational floor will be closed for an extended amount of time, just letting you love birds know!” Genesis yelled from the elevator, the doors finally closing properly and taking him away from sight.
…
…
”…Do you think we’ll both be alive by the end of next week?”
”Hopefully not.”
”…Touché.”
—
Roughly one week later.
Zack whistled Stamp’s theme cheerily, hopping down the hallway with the enthusiasm of an overgrown puppy.
He couldn’t believe it! One of his best friends and a prospective friend were getting married! And all in spite of their differences! It nearly brought a tear to his eyes. Well, it had, and Genesis had needed to console him for a couple minutes before sending Zack off to do arguably the most important job of all: obtaining the marriage certificates.
Genesis had scribbled the name of a place onto a card and given it to him, but for some reason it had led to a place that made fake marriage certificates. Zack thought it was weird, but chalked it up to his friend having made a mistake. After all, it was stressful to plan a wedding and to do it all in one week… he couldn’t even imagine how taxing it must’ve been. He had to speak to Sephiroth and Rufus when the wedding was over about burdening Genesis like that, but right now he had to do the task he’d been assigned.
He figured he’d go to the person with the most authority in the company to obtain the certificates. After all, who better to get it from than the president himself?
Thinking that and actually standing in front of the man were two different matters entirely, though.
”And so, we really need a marriage certificate for the two. I mean I guess I could’ve gotten it from one of the secretaries, but I figured it would be quicker and easier to get it from you, sir. And, uh, I suppose to ask for Rufus’ hand in marriage on Sephiroth’s behalf? He’s really shy when it comes to parents for some reason,” Zack managed, rubbing the back of his neck and just barely maintaining eye contact with President Shinra.
The man took a long inhale and exhale of his cigar, leaving Zack stewing in uncomfortable silence for the ten seconds that felt more like ten centuries.
Then he tapped it against his ashtray and set it down, leaning back in his large, plush chair. His mustache twitched with his sniff, then he finally said: “So you mean to tell me my son plans to marry a man. And not just any man, but Sephiroth himself.”
”Uh, well, yes? I-I don’t really know how it happened either, sir, but I think that maybe all the problems they had with each other was just a result of unrequited feelings they never talked about, y’know? I mean they’re both a bit emotionally constipated…” Zack’s eyes widened and his mouth snapped shut when he realized how casually he was talking to the president. He was ready for chastisement but instead received- laughter?
He looked up and toward the older man, who’d thrown his head back and was laughing in a way that could almost be described as a guffaw. What on Gaia?
”How very astute of you, boy,” the president chuckled, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye and clearing his throat, collecting himself once more. “I will say though, of all the possible partners he could’ve chosen, this is the best outcome. I’d proposed a great many matches for him, all of which he’d turned down. To think it was because of these reasons… well, no matter.” The president waved his hand as if to dispel a foul smell. “Unfortunately Sephiroth isn’t a woman, but Hojo and I have discussed the possibility a good deal. The man is quite brilliant, you know, he even came up with a way to fuse both of their sperms into a child. He hasn’t tried it with humans of course, but his experiments with other creatures have proven quite successful, and with a bit more time I don’t doubt he could create the perfect fusion. Ah, but I get ahead of myself. We need to officiate the thing first. I will of course be present. I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.”
Zack thanked whatever gods were up there that the president wasn’t looking at him anymore, because there was no power in this galaxy or the next that could’ve prevented the pure, unadulterated dumbstruck confusion from showing on his face.
”Ah, here they are. Have at them boy.” The president slid the documents across the large, glossy desk, leaning back and picking up his cigar again.
”You-you just had these laying around?” Zack’s brain had disposed of the functions that controlled his respect for his superiors. In fact, it had disposed of all functions except for those absolutely necessary to his basic survival.
”I was looking them over to see if there was a way I could trick Rufus into signing it and still keeping the certificate legitimate,” he shrugged.
Zack couldn’t muster a response.
”Well, thank you, sir. I-I’ll be taking my leave now,” Zack managed a weak bow and salute before turning around and trying to control his pace enough to make it not look like he was sprinting out of the room.
”Oh, by the by, when is the wedding?”
”6:00 pm, sir,” the SOLDIER gulped.
The president hummed and took another audible drag. “In five hours, then. That’s doable, very doable.” Since the man was starting to talk more to himself than his unwilling guest, Zack took that as his chance to escape.
He couldn’t deny that he felt a bit weirded out by the interaction, but that didn’t matter. What did matter was that Sephiroth and Rufus would finally get rid of that weird tension they had whenever they interacted with each other, and there would be peace again. Well, as peaceful as any of the SOLDIERs could get, at least.
I can’t wait ‘till the actual thing! It’s going to be great to finally have those two bury the hatchet. Although, come to think of it, they did change their minds about each other really quickly. Just two weeks ago they were trying to murder each other and destroyed an entire floor-
Zack stopped walking for a second, staring contemplatively down at the papers in his hands before he shrugged and carried on. The heart wants what it wants, after all, who was he to judge?
—
Genesis could scarcely believe what he was seeing.
A marriage certificate.
A real one.
“…So anyway, since I’m pretty sure the address you gave me was wrong, I just went to the president to get it. Which might’ve been a mistake because he started giving me a really detailed description of Hojo’s experiments on how to create a baby using the sperms from two different men and that he’d had Sephiroth and the VP specifically in mind when he’d started-“
His mouth clanked shut when Genesis put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed it firmly. “I’d love to hear all about it, but during the reception. We have two idiots to marry.”
“Yeah we do! But I’m not sure if I’d call them idiots-”
”No, they absolutely are. Now, do you remember the plan?” At Zack’s firm, solemn nod, Genesis returned it. “Alright, go get Angeal. Everything’s set up inside and in the rooms right beside the elevator. You know what to do when Sephiroth shows up, right?” Another nod. “Perfect.” He clapped Zack on the shoulder. “Let’s get to it.”
—
Sephiroth stood outside the elevator of the recreational floor- finally reopened after Genesis had done who knows what to it- and looked around the empty area. He’d assumed there would be more people around, considering that prior to “construction” it had been the most popular spot for employees to mill around in in between breaks.
Truth be told, the dead silence was slightly unsettling.
Then the elevator opened behind him.
Sephiroth peered curiously over his shoulder only to see Rufus standing behind him, looking at a piece of paper in his hand that looked remarkably similar to the one he’d gotten.
Rufus stepped out of the elevator and looked up, locking eyes with Sephiroth.
”What are you doing here?”
”I could ask you the same.”
Rufus frowned then held up the piece of paper before thinking better of it and pulling it closer to himself, lightly clearing his throat. “I was told to meet someone here.”
”Strange, so was I. By Genesis, actually. I’d assumed he wanted a make-up spar or something of the sort.” Sephiroth’s eyes slowly slid over to Rufus, taking a better look at him and tamping down on the self-satisfied smirk threatening to cut across his face. Rufus was wearing a simple white suit- a normal one- and it was all because of him.
Last week Rufus had paid a quick visit to the SOLDIER floor to give Lazard documents regarding the department’s budget, but he’d come alone. There was no Tseng to whisk him out of harm’s way, and Sephiroth would be damned if he didn’t take advantage of the opportunity. So, he’d folded himself as small as possible, squeezed himself under a desk, and turned on a large fan that perfectly sucked in one of the numerous belts on the hoop skirt Rufus insisted on wearing.
That had caused the blonde to fall- almost- flat on his face and for a portion of his suit/dress to get shredded. Unfortunately Sephiroth hadn’t taken into account that the belt skirt was just an attachment to the pants that could be taken off and hadn’t foreseen Rufus cutting himself free (so it hadn’t been quite as embarrassing as he’d hoped for) but he’d clearly been traumatized enough to opt for a normal- although undoubtedly overpriced- suit instead of his usual abomination.
He felt something hit him between the brows.
”I said, ‘do you think Rhapsodos invited us both on purpose?’” Rufus repeated, peeved. Sephiroth couldn’t even bring himself to be outraged because the answer to his question was likely a resounding ‘yes.’
Before he had the chance to answer though, he was dragged into the darkness and had the brief chance to see Rufus’ mouth get covered by a large gloved hand and dragged in the opposite direction.
—
Sephiroth was shoved into the room ass first.
He had just enough time to violently shake his head and open his eyes before something large was thrown at him hard enough to send him sprawling onto his back, the wind thoroughly knocked out of him.
”Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to do that so violently! Are the both of you okay?!” A familiar voice yelled, panicked.
Sephiroth would’ve responded, if he didn’t currently have a nose full of blonde hair and wasn’t on the cusp of asphyxiating.
Luckily, Sephiroth also had the ability to drag the blonde mass in question off of himself and hurl it halfway in the opposite direction.
Unluckily, it had also become part cat when he wasn’t looking and landed on its feet. Goddess I can’t catch a break today.
“That- might just be the rudest thing you’ve done,” Rufus panted out, having manifested a crowbar out of nowhere, heaving it above his head in preparation to run at Sephiroth, who’d gotten himself off the ground and wasn’t wheezing for air anymore.
”Oh really? I must disagree. Let me refresh your memory,” Sephiroth responded, Masamune spawning from a cloud of mist into his hand.
”Hey hey not now! You two are about to be married!”
Their heads slowly turned to the forgotten third person in the room, the creaks of their necks nearly audible in the small area.
”Fair, what did you just say?”
Zack’s expression faltered for a second before he forced an award smile onto his face. Why did they both look so surprised by it?
”You’re getting married. Everyone’s waiting for you guys in the recreational area. Gen spent the entirety of last week re-decorating it and making it perfect. Even Hojo and the President showed up for it. They were really insistent about walking you two down the aisle.”
Only once Zack mentioned it did Sephiroth and Rufus notice that there were in fact two other men in the room, sitting quietly in the corner and observing the fiancés quarrel with one another due to what could only be described as pre-marital jitters.
“Son, I understand your nervousness. When I got married to your mother, we also-“
”Don’t you dare talk about her you fat, greedy old man,” Rufus seethed. He would’ve nearly smashed his head in had Sephiroth not caught him and held him in place. Though even he was struggling to keep ahold of him with how violently Rufus was thrashing, nearly- for once on accident- whacking Sephiroth in the head with the crowbar. This was the one instance Sephiroth almost felt sympathetic toward the back-stabbing brat.
”Rufus, calm down. Violence won’t solve anything.” Strangely enough, that seemed to bring Rufus back to reality. The fight went out of him and he was left dangling a foot off the ground, being held up like an unruly cat while he scowled.
”General Sephiroth, I must say that you have quite a way with him. It’s no wonder that you were the one that was finally able to get him to settle down,” President Shinra remarked, humming to himself whilst twirling his mustache in an almost approving manner.
”Of course he does. It’s all due to the extensive social training I gave him in his formative years, making him both skilled in a literal battlefield as well as that of society,” Hojo boasted, nearly leering at his subject.
”Blasphemy. You raised me to be a recluse and rendered me inept at understanding social cues or affection.” Sephiroth had once again materialized the Masamune and would’ve driven through Hojo’s greasy, wrinkled forehead had Rufus not yanked him back by his hair, causing him to fall flat on his rear end once again.
”Violence isn’t the answer Sephiroth. Not yet anyway.” Rufus commented, crouching behind the SOLDIER and aggressively patting him on the back.
“Hm, you would’ve been useful to have around during his experiments, vice president. You could’ve controlled him when he got particularly unruly.”
Zack- who’d been on the cusp of a panic attack- pulled himself together and stood between the sons and their fathers before another attempted murder could take place.
”Everybody, let’s please settle down. You two are going to be married soon! It’s supposed to be a happy day so can we all just tolerate each other for a couple hours?” Zack asked, desperation practically dripping off his tone and in the way he clasped his hands together.
“Yes, what exactly do you mean by that? I was admittedly distracted the first time you mentioned it, so I didn’t hear the undoubtedly thorough explanation you gave,” Rufus said evenly, sweeping his slightly disheveled hair back into its usual style.
”The same goes for me. I was overcome by too profound a sense of hatred to hear what you said after ‘wedding,’ which I’m sure was extremely important.” Sephiroth had stood up again, clearly looming over the rest of the occupants in the room.
Wait they seem really confused. Did they seriously not know? Oh wait! It was probably meant to be a surprise wedding! It would’ve probably been too hard for the two of them to agree on how to make a wedding so Genesis did it for them! And because they both value privacy, they didn’t want it to be a huge spectacle, so they just wanted to get it over with so they could be officially married as soon as possible. Ha, no wonder! Alright, then I’ll respect their wishes by not questioning them too much either!
”Look, everybody’s already here. You might as well just go through with it now. It’s just the SOLDIERs, Turks, and a couple of other Shinra employees. No one from the public’s present so it won’t be a big thing.”
”If you ask me we should’ve made it a bigger event for the sake of publicity…” the president lamented. Hojo nodded in silent agreement. Nonetheless, he was sure he’d have plenty of material to post for the Silver Elite. Although Sephiroth being married now might pose a threat to his popularity…
Rufus was about to start talking again when Sephiroth grabbed him by the arm and started dragging him toward the door. “One moment. We must discuss this, since it concerns the sanctity of our marriage. I assure you we’re not fleeing.” Then Sephiroth slammed the door shut.
Now alone in the hallway, Rufus snatched his arm out of his grip and moved back, straightening out his suit that had gone slightly askew with all the man handling. “What on Gaia were you blathering about? You’re not actually thinking of indulging this insanity, are you?”
Sephiroth simply stared at the blonde for a second then sighed, looking in the direction of the doors to the recreation room. “There’s no question about it being insane, but Genesis is the one who planned it, and it took him an entire week. I think he’s been feeling jealous and left out lately because-“ he pressed his lips together, unsure of how to phrase his next thought without it sounding like he was some obsessed Rufus Shinra fanboy.
”Because he’s not your number one target anymore?” Rufus finished for him, folding his arms across his chest and arching a brow.
”…Essentially.”
The blonde hummed. “That’s all well and good, but why would I care? Although I can’t deny that he has a certain- allure to him, his feelings of jealousy don’t affect me in any way, so I don’t see how they’re relevant.”
Deciding to ignore the first part of what he said, Sephiroth replied, “because he’s your employee. If you’re so insistent about becoming president and surpassing your father, wouldn’t it benefit you to have those in your service be happy and satisfied?”
Rufus’ eyes widened, surprised that Sephiroth had actually made a good point for once, before he quickly found a fault in the logic. “And you’re telling me that Rhapsodos will be happy and satisfied if we get fake married?”
Sephiroth let out an exhale that was worryingly close to a laugh at the absurdity of such a statement. “Not permanently, but I’m sure he will be for at least the next week.”
Rufus hmphed and looked at the floor in contemplation, gears in his brain turning as he weighed the pros and cons.
He finally sighed and looked back up. “Fine, let’s do it. But only on one condition.”
—
Five minutes later, Sephiroth and Rufus were walking down the aisle arm in arm while President Shinra and Hojo walked fifteen feet behind them in the same position.
Sephiroth and Rufus shared a secret smirk with one another, absolutely delighted in how deliciously uncomfortable their father figures looked next to each other. Based on the president's face, that was due in no small part to Hojo’s characteristic stench and him now being stuck in its bubble.
As Zack had said, though, while the cafeteria wasn’t anywhere near close to empty, the only people present seemed to be Shinra employees, most of which were at a higher level of access, and thus less likely to leak the info that this whole fiasco ever even happened.
As they got closer to the front, Rufus started seeing more faces he recognized, chief amongst them being the Turks. He would have to give them a stern talking to later. How dare they know about this and not tell him? And after all I’ve done for them…
Meanwhile, Sephiroth was trying to not implode upon seeing Angeal clad in a cross, robe, and a hat of impressive height upon his head. Lazard- who appeared to be the guest of honor- was standing adjacent to him, practically vibrating (in rage or anxiety Sephiroth honestly couldn’t tell.)
And then there was Genesis, in the inner most seat of the first row, looking far, far too pleased with himself. The redhead flashed him a grin and a thumb’s up when they made eye contact. Sephiroth mimed snapping the finger in two. Genesis slowly lowered it.
The grooms finally reached the “alter” while Hojo and the president had sat right in the front row, distancing themselves from one another as much as possible.
Rufus immediately took the side where Lazard was, a heartfelt smile lighting up his face upon seeing a large, pulsating vein pop up on his half-brother’s forehead. In the next second, Tseng appeared just behind the blonde, quiet as a shadow. Rufus might’ve questioned if he showed up for the sake of his protection or a better view of the show, but he was too distracted by how well the place had been decorated. Apparently Rhapsodos really hadn’t spared any effort making it look like an actual wedding hall.
There were flowers of all kinds- real, actual flowers- in baskets all around, white and blue ribbons and curtains dangling from the ceiling. The windows had been opened, late day sunlight seeping in through them, illuminating the normally dark room in an almost heavenly glow. If this had been a real wedding, one might almost deem it romantic- a manifestation of the couple to be’s feelings of deep love and devotion to one another.
Unfortunately, the only sort of deep, devoted feelings here are those of intense dislike, Sephiroth thought snidely. Though even he couldn’t deny that Rufus fitted in with the whole white and blue aesthetic almost disturbingly well. Or perhaps it wasn’t disturbing at all. Snakes did often appear charming and alluring in order to easier gain what they wanted.
“We are gathered here today to wed these two men in unholy- I mean holy, matrimony. If the ring bearer could present us with the documents that might officiate their union…” Angeal read from a post-it note taped onto a page of the Loveless book in his hands.
Zack eagerly sprung up from one of the seats in the back row, Darkstar by his side who had a large basket of flower petals in her jaws. She trotted in front of Zack, happily swinging her head and tail from side to side and spreading them down the aisle while the two made their way to the front. From the corner of his eye, Sephiroth saw Rufus chuckle quietly but fondly at the hound’s merry behavior.
When they reached them, Darkstar went back into the seats, sliding in amongst the Turks while Zack put the fake certificates- that were on a red cushion- on the table in front of Angeal, giving a salute once he was done and also disappearing back into the audience.
”If the grooms will sign their names.” Angeal gestured with the now closed Loveless copy at the sheets of paper, face and tone barely hiding his chagrin.
”Is this really nece-“
“Just do it Sephiroth.”
Sephiroth blinked at his friend/priest for a moment, then looked at Rufus who just shrugged, picking up the pen and signing his name without another word. Deciding that for once Rufus had the right idea, Sephiroth did the same. Now, at least, they could go their separate ways and Sephiroth could lay siege to the pasta section of the buffet table.
”Well, Hewley, thank you for the ceremony, we shall now be-“
”Aren’t you missing something?” Rufus turned to look behind him at Lazard, who was wearing an indecipherable expression.
”Missing what?” Rufus said slowly, cautiously.
”Why, the kiss, of course.”
All the color drained from Rufus’ face. Sephiroth’s complexion now resembled that of curdled milk.
“Director, I-“
”Yo he’s right! Where’s the smooch?”
”Reno, shut up this instant.”
”Hey I wanna see you kiss too!”
”Yeah, you’re newly weds, ya’ll should be ready to tear each other’s clothes off right now!”
”No, you don’t understand, this isn’t a real-“
“Kiss already!”
”Kiss!”
While Rufus tried in vain to calm the crowd down, Sephiroth put his shock aside for one moment to think rationally about this. Rufus clearly loathed the idea- and so did he, that went without saying- but…
An opportunity wasn’t to be wasted.
Sephiroth abruptly stepped forward, left hand going for Rufus’ waist and the other to the back of his head.
He yanked him forward to bash their lips together and dipped him low so his feet slid out from under him and he had to grab onto Sephiroth’s shoulders for support.
The crowd around them exploded into screams and shouts. Some scandalized, some in enthusiastic support, and a few in horror (Sephiroth suspected those came from those who knew them best.)
After the initial shock of being assaulted wore off, Rufus yelled against his mouth and started trying to push him off, Sephiroth relented- but not before nastily biting his lip hard enough to draw blood.
Sephiroth straightened himself up to full height, unable to completely suppress the victorious smirk that came unbidden.
Rufus, on the other hand, was furiously wiping at his mouth, looking at his fingers in disgust and affront when they came away bloody. “You psycho-“
“Gee save it for the bedroom lovebirds!”
“You speak one more time Reno and I’m halving your salary.”
“Sorry boss-“
”I must disagree with Reno. There’s nothing more beautiful than a couple so clearly enamored with one another. To deny us the pleasure of witnessing it would be a great travesty indeed,” the mastermind said. The worst part was that Sephiroth couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not.
”Genesis, I think that was more than enough. Since we’ve signed the fake certificates and even kissed- because our director is clearly more of a sadist than he’s been letting on- it’s far past time that we-“
”Sephiroth, vice president.” Angeal spoke up, clearing his throat and looking down at the certificates with a great deal of concern. “I- I think these are real.”
The room went so quiet that even a drop of blood splattering could’ve been heard by everyone in it.
”Of course they are,” the president stated. “That SOLDIER boy came to my office a couple of hours ago requesting them for a wedding. A wedding I wasn’t made aware of, by the way, son. How shameful is it that I had to hear about your marriage from a third party source?”
More silence. The president looked around the room curiously. That was strange. Everyone looked- surprised?
”Mr. President, to what SOLDIER are you referring to?” Sephiroth asked calmly.
”The one two seats down from me, with the spiky black hair of course. Real go-getter that one is. Has a bright future ahead of him, I think.” The president replied easily, completely unaware to the SOLDIER in question fervently shaking his head and sinking further into his chair as both Sephiroth and Rufus’ murderous gazes bore into him.
”Of course.” Sephiroth agreed pleasantly, slowly slinking toward Zack. “All those in the surrounding area might want to relocate.” And that was all the warning anyone received before Sephiroth tackled Zack to the ground.
—
Two minutes later, many of the people in the previously full room had sprinted out, Zack was unconscious on the floor, and Rufus had torn the certificates to shreds only for Angeal to inform him that he and Sephiroth were still technically married regardless of the destruction of the physical document.
Genesis was nearly doubled over, face red, tears streaming from his eyes as he whisked a bottle of champagne off the table, oxygen barely making its way into his constricted lungs. “This- this was- Kekekekekekeke… the best idea I’ve ever had!” Genesis cackled maniacally, observing Sephiroth and Rufus’ unadulterated devastation with glee.
”Angeal, what do you mean it’s still official? He ripped up the documents. There is no proof we ever even signed them.”
”Sephiroth, you know full well how these official documents work. You sign a paper but it automatically gets registered to the Shinra system. It can only be annulled through an actual divorce, but before you can even apply for the process to begin the marriage has to last for at least six months.”
”I’m the vice president of the company! Normal standards don’t apply to me! I should be able to get a divorce tomorrow!” Rufus stated, both palms flat on the “alter” table, anger and desperation clear in his features.
”Oh of course you aren’t subject to the rules. There always has to be an exception made for you,” Sephiroth suddenly sneered.
Rufus glared at him in confusion. “I’m literally doing what you want us to do. What we both want us to do.”
“No, you know what? I’m not going to be married to this backstabber.”
Rufus- finally fed up with his bullshit- said something he would never bring himself to regret, even if it resulted in a slow, painful death. “Well, I’m glad we at least agree on our roles in the bedroom, darling.”
Angeal’s mouth dropped. Genesis guffawed. Sephiroth’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull.
”I’ll kill you,” Sephiroth uttered, but Rufus was already sprinting up the stairs to the upper floor of the cafeteria. Sephiroth shot like a bullet after him.
Genesis leaned all his weight on Angeal, in complete and utter hysterics at this point. “Oh- oh infinite is the wisdom of the goddess that she so generously bestowed on me for this occasion.” Genesis sobbed, uncorking his champagne and taking a long swig of it, miraculously managing to not choke on it.
He heard a thud to his right and absentmindedly looked over- only to see the cork stuck between the furrows of Angeal’s brow.
”Sorry Angeal, didn’t mean to do that.” Genesis plucked the cork out and tossed it somewhere on the floor, looking away from his friend again and focusing on not choking on his next swallow of champagne- which he failed at miserably, because he was suddenly tackled to the floor, his glorious bottle of 10,000 Gil champagne breaking, its contents spilling across the floor.
”I’ve had it up to here with all of you and this stupid robe and hat getup you shove me into! You’re all insane!” Angeal yelled, trying to pin Genesis down, veins popping out of his neck.
“Says the person who looks like he’s been infected with rabies!” Genesis shrieked, kicking the larger man off and getting a second of reprieve before Angeal tackled him again, the pair rolling right onto and collapsing through a food table.
Meanwhile…
He had Rufus cornered now. His back was to the balcony. There was no way out. If he went forward, he’d come right into Sephiroth’s waiting arms. If he went back, he’d fall and splatter his guts on the floor below.
”Come on sweetheart, I thought you were going to stab me in the back.” Sephiroth said mockingly.
Rufus abruptly stopped shuffling backward, annoyance overtaking his features, a righteous undercurrent to them.
“No, I’m not going to let you hold a grudge against me for that anymore. All these… petty squabbles we’ve been getting into is over something that shouldn’t have been argued over at all. Glenn Lodbrok was a traitor and deserter, it was your duty to take him out. And since you failed, I did it for you.” Rufus ground out, chest heaving from the exertion of running from Sephiroth.
Sephiroth swore he saw red for a second. “He was like a father to me. He was the only one who cared for me and you took him away.”
To Sephiroth’s surprise, Rufus only scoffed, completely immune to the increasingly murderous energy radiating off of the other man. “Oh please. What about Genesis and Angeal? Or even that stupid puppy that got us into this mess to begin with? You’re telling me they don’t care?”
Sephiroth’s eyes widened and he stopped his advance. There wasn’t much physical distance left between them anymore, but it felt like a cavern had opened up in the little space that remained.
“It’s different,” he replied, clenching his fists.
”How? Because they’re not old enough for you to view them as daddy figures?” Rufus growled. “At least you have someone. You have several of them and they’re still here for you, they’re by your side every day. Why on Gaia are you still clinging to a man you hadn’t seen in a decade when you have them?”
Sephiroth tried coming up with a response, but found he couldn’t. What could he say to that? He knew- even before he’d fought Glenn that one last time- that he wasn’t in his life anymore. He’d left the company, left him, and yet here Sephiroth was, still clinging to a ghost. He’d taken comfort in knowing that he was still alive, that there was still the option for them to reunite and perhaps- if Sephiroth ever got out- that they could be a real family, like he’d always wanted.
But even in the deepest recesses of his mind, he knew that was nearly impossible. Even if Sephiroth or Rufus hadn’t killed Glenn, the likelihood that someone else would’ve taken him out was much higher than he wanted to admit. Glenn had never been subtle, and the way he led the Wutaians reflected his impulsiveness.
Even still, that wasn’t good enough. Even if the rational part of his brain knew it could’ve easily been someone else that would’ve led to Glenn’s demise, it hadn’t been someone else, it had been the person standing in front of him, and he’d taken away any and all hope Sephiroth had for a future with Glenn in it.
”Because you took away my chance to have something with him again. When he was alive, I still had-“
Sephiroth went stock still as Rufus’ body started trembling, and suddenly deep, ugly laughter was tumbling from his lips. It continued for a couple seconds, then Rufus seemed to collect himself. He looked up at Sephiroth with a smile on his face, but his eyes were hard and angry.
”It’s never enough for you, is it? You have to have everything. All the glory, all the people who could’ve possibly loved you, but no matter how much you get, you’re never happy. Even if your precious Glenn was still alive you’d still be sulking that you didn’t have a family, that you’re broken beyond repair and so on and so on. You sound like even more of a petulant child than I do, and that’s saying something. I mean you don’t hear me complaining about my lack of support, do you? Despite me lacking it even more than you.”
Sephiroth swallowed harshly, his voice coming out slightly hoarse. “You have the Turks.”
Rufus gave him a hollow smile. “No, I don’t.”
They stood there, for a moment, neither saying a thing. There was some soft music playing in the background, the same quiet piano that Sephiroth belatedly realized had been there the entire time. There was some other clamor- it almost sounded like Angeal and Genesis yelling- but up here the air felt too heavy for anything to break through it.
That is, until Rufus spoke up again.
”You know, I hear they speed up the process of filing for divorce if physical assault is involved.”
Sephiroth looked up at him again, caught off guard by the change in subject.
Rufus had fixed something looking like his usual smirk onto his face, though it was so brittle it could barely even be considered a pale imitation.
Sephiroth pushed away the complicated storm of emotions warring in head- regret, anger, longing, sadness, perhaps a tinge of understanding- and tried mirroring him. “And how do you suppose we go about that?”
—
THE MIDGAR DAILY NEWS
BREAKING NEWS!
MARRIAGE GONE WRONG? THE DISASTROUS AFFAIR OF WAR HERO AND SHINRA HEIR
Last evening, Rufus Shinra and Sephiroth had a wedding that was kept entirely secret to the public- and perhaps for good reason.
Police, ambulances, and the fire department were all dispatched to the Shinra Building at approximately 8:00 pm yesterday to tend to the aftermath of the entire ordeal.
The married couple themselves assaulted a 2nd class SOLDIER by the name of Zack Fair because he’d “gotten real marriage certificates instead of fake ones.” The SOLDIER in question is awake, reportedly, but in a “distressed” state. We’ll keep the readers updated on his condition, though all signs point to him being in perfect physical health- well, aside from the distress of having indirectly wed two people who really, really didn’t want to be joined in unholy matrimony.
An anonymous insider also reported witnessing 1st classes Angeal Hewley and Genesis Rhapsodos almost single-handedly destroying the wedding venue with an epic brawl that had started due to “Genesis full on launching a cork at Angeal during a manic episode, yo!” Both men are also apparently in fine physical health, but it sounds like they may have some unresolved feelings to work out.
And for perhaps the most shocking part of the evening: the married couple themselves being escorted out of the building in handcuffs!
(Envision a picture of Sephiroth and Rufus leaving Shinra HQ in handcuffs right here:)
Those two sure look like they had quite the evening, don’t they folks? We’re not sure about you, but this could either end in a divorce one week from now or a unification of souls that lasts the rest of their lives…
Ah who are we kidding? It’s definitely the first one.
Thanks for chiming in and choosing The Midgar Daily News for all things current events! We’ll see you in the next one ;)