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It never stopped.
It never was enough.
He had the whole world in his hand. He had all the friends he could ever want. He had all the family he could ever need.
But it was never enough….
All because of me.
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I remember it well, the first time around, I was intrigued by Kurusu’s nature. He was stoic, I never saw much emotion from him, and the times I did….It looked like it was a mask manufactured just for that person. A Big Brother to Futaba Sakura. A Best Friend to Ryuji Sakamoto. A Beloved Son to Sojiro Sakura and so much more.
When I used to spy on the Original Leader of the Phantom Thieves the first time around, he went blank as soon as he was alone, even with the cat around, he was a blank slate, an emotionless stoic and it fascinated me. I never saw the stupid cat pick up on it however, it showed what he knew.
But when he spoke to me? It didn’t look manufactured as the others. Originally he seemed like he was forced to be there but eventually as we hung out more, I saw natural smiles, natural excitement, and I grew to love his company as well even though I was never supposed to get too close as I knew his future demise was approaching as days pass.
But nevertheless the difference in his approach to his friends, his family compared to me? It was confusing me, what made me different that Kurusu was actually showing natural emotion gradually around me. When it came to killing Akira Kurusu, I felt slight guilt but I buried it under lock and key, I had a job to fulfil, a promise to my mother to keep. So when I found out, he was still alive? I was angry.
However, I ended up getting my answer to the months old question I had in December. As I grew weaker, knowing I was about to die the first time, I could hear Joker crying, desperate for me to return, but I couldn’t help but chuckle.
Joker was in love with me, a literal murderer, he started feeling because of a murderer, and it was a nice thought as I drew my last breath after being shot in the heart by Shido’s cognition of me. It was a peaceful death knowing I was loved.
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I woke up, touched my chest, and I felt no bullet wound. The panic I had felt when I grabbed my phone seeing the date. It was the day Kurusu had come to Tokyo, it had been like the past few months had been replaced by a new save file in a game. I couldn’t help but cry at the situation.
But as I left to do my Metaverse killing, I saw Akira Kurusu walking the Ginza line naturally like he had been here before. It rang alarm bells in my mind, I remember being told that Kurusu couldn’t navigate the Ginza line at all when he first came to Tokyo, so why was it different when we went back?
Then it occurred to me, why would I be the only one gaining memories from the past. I didn’t want to change anything from what happened the first time, so I never told Kurusu I remembered, and I think that’s when it all went wrong. Kurusu kept changing things, and I had to keep remembering things I did the first time to avoid giving myself away, even saying the Pancakes line over again.
Spying on him the second time, it showed me he did at least grow as a person, he showed more emotion than he did the first time. Kurusu wasn't a blank slate as much and I genuinely was happy for him, but I never showed it. I started to think after my death something must have happened, because this time around, he was cautious of me.
When we got to Sae’s palace the second time around, he kept me in the front lines unlike our first go around the place. I heard interesting things being whispered when I focused on the backline while Joker collected his rewards.
Joker’s still zipping through these palaces like he knows them.
I know his mask is white, but could he be the Black Mask?
It scared me. His beloved friends were talking about him behind his back, and he was doing so well this time. It seemed his friends were suspicious of his ability to understand the palaces much quicker than his allies. I was worried that the timeline we were in now was going to affect Joker more this time around than the last.
Days passed, We did the Interrogation Room, and we were back to the Engine Room once more. I could see Joker was scared and paranoid, to the others it could be registered as seeing me, but I knew the real reason, my fated death was approaching.
His friends showed their doubt when I showed my real self, my black masked self. They genuinely thought Joker was the real Black Mask, Joker’s expression seemed betrayed, it seemed he realised the bonds he had with the Thieves before, were never going to be as strong as before and I think that's why he was even more reckless doing what he did next.
Stupid Kurusu tried changing my death, he jumped the border as the gate closed, the cognition of me laughed, but even if we tried to change my fate, Joker ended up dying with me, another bullet in the same place as before.
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The 3rd time around, the 4th time around, The 5th time around and more, it never stopped.
Akira Kurusu kept trying to save me beyond all reason than his undying love. I knew love could make people blind, but this was to another whole level, the desperation in his determined expression every timeline never wavered and I still pretended I didn't remember the timelines before. It was painful seeing Kurusu’s slow decline in his sanity just trying to change my fate. I was hoping that eventually he would give up, and I knew if I mentioned anything it could affect the situation. I knew if Kurusu knew I remembered, he probably would grow content knowing I would never die forever if he could keep resetting.
Eventually the constant resets had to do something because something major changed. Suddenly there was a new first year student named Sumire Yoshizawa. Suddenly, I apparently knew her from her dad and Suddenly there’s a new school counsellor named Dr Takuto Maruki. I had a bad feeling about the stability of this world with the constant resets making this happen.
The opening of a major shift could give me an opportunity to do something different myself. To relieve my boredom, I hung out with Kurusu more. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was genuinely bored out of my mind and just wanted to hang out with the one person I cared about since my own mother. I loved every moment, I even took him to the Jazz club, I was sharing more of myself, and with this massive change, maybe there was a chance I could escape my original fate.
But eventually, I still got shot in the heart once more and this time, Joker had my glove, he had a memento of me to live with and as I closed my eyes accepting my fate once more….
I’ll hold onto your glove.
It was a nice new sentence to die to before knowing it would reset.
Until I woke up in January of the next year, and not April of the same. A bit of hope had blossomed in my chest. I patted my chest, and saw no bullet wound, and realised I had no memory between my original death area and the time I woke up and I became worried.
Eventually I walked into Leblanc seeing my first ever kill right there in the cafe. I started to think that this was actually hell and not a reset, but then I realised everyone else around was last time I checked alive, so that couldn’t have been the case.
Days passed once more, and I learnt everyone was under a new reality made by the new therapist himself. Kurusu seemed betrayed once more, Yoshizawa thought she was someone else and I knew I didn't avoid my fate, it was just prolonged this time, all because I knew I was Joker’s wish.
February 2nd came along after a few weeks of Palace searching and Jazz clubbing. Kurusu found out the truth, and I could see the sadness in his eyes. Maruki was dangling me like a trap just for Kurusu to accept his reality. I begged him not to accept it, but I knew this was his weakness.
We’re taking the deal
I felt betrayed, I knew Kurusu wanted me alive, to avoid my deadly fate, but it would be stripping me of my free will. I left the building angered and ran to fight Maruki myself, needless to say I didn’t survive, it was pointless to fight a god on your own, but at least I chose to die this time, I chose my own fate.
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When I woke back up in April 2016, I started to have the theory that Kurusu must have learnt what Maruki did and…..did something as revenge, because why wouldn’t he be reanimated as a dancing princely corpse otherwise? I checked around for Kurusu once again, and realised Yoshizawa and Maruki were back like it was a permanent change, which I had to copy exactly what I did the timeline before this one.
But something must have changed again, Akira Kurusu went by Ren Amamiya this time, and it was hard to adapt to the new name while not instantly saying Kurusu talking to the boy.
However Joker’s new name shift was the only new thing in the timeline. I don’t know why Amamiya ended up changing his name in this timeline but I didn't question it because there was no point, the constant resets were probably to blame after all.
So I relived the same days and months of the last reset, but the difference this time was Amamiya never took Maruki’s deal, I never forgot the initial betrayal, but inside I was happy he made the right choice, maybe it meant he would give up trying to save me, and let me die.
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The amount of resets that happened….
I lost track after the 1 millionth reset, I was surprised either of us even functioned, but I still had faith in Joker. His name kept changing back and forth constantly to the point I don’t even know what to refer to him mentally, I just knew the only consistent name he had was Joker, and that’s what I stuck with after the hundredth reset.
Joker was fucking something up, and I know it. A normal person would give up after probably living the same year over and over again. The first major changes ended up not being the last. A few resets after that one, Sae-san died after her palace. More resets after that Ryuji Sakamoto was killed in a hit run.
Futaba Sakura? Suddenly went to school!
Ann Takamaki? Who’s that?
Sumire Yoshizawa? Her sister never died!
All these changes were majorly affecting the stability of this world, these things were never supposed to happen, but with Joker’s constant time resetting trying to fucking SAVE me, the world was being affected by it. A normal person would have taken it as a warning to stop messing with time and fate! BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT JOKER!
In due time, the major changes got worse and worse to the point, people just started disappearing, places didn't exist anymore and the world itself was cracking. Darkness shone through the cracks in the floor, Light shined through the cracks in the sky.
Eventually, the last reset came to be after millions. However there was nothing there, just me and Joker on this disappearing piece of land in a realm of a fracturing reality. Piece by Piece the land grew smaller, and we started to disappear. I could see Joker crying, and since I knew I was about to die a final time, I walked over, hugged him while I could still feel and whispered.
I loved you, throughout all the timelines….
I could only feel Joker’s arm tighten and I had a feeling he then knew I was there all along. I couldn’t feel anything as I stepped back and smiled for the last time, seeing Joker smile back.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
I didn’t get to tell him that I accepted it, as after that, darkness took over everything.
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I woke back up again in a random alleyway, April 2016, and I started screaming, ran to Leblanc to confront Joker.
But something was wrong, There was no Akira Kurusu, There was no Ren Amamiya, There was no Joker. Only a Joker look alike looked at me and by the look of it, he didn't recognise me, which set off alarms in my head. I asked for a name, but it seemed the universe got sick of Joker’s resetting antics because the name I got was
Oh! I’m Akira Sakura!
After he gave his name, I realised I was never going back. My Joker was gone, erased and this one was his replacement….that's what I thought anyway.
Until another version of me walked in shocked, staring at me, looking like me, talking like me, and it seemed it was this Jok- Sakura’s beloved. I realised Sakura must have known who I was but was shocked to see someone looking exactly like me.
Joker broke the laws of time and space resetting, fusing other timelines into our own, deaths, non existent places, they were from other timelines, it only made sense, but it overloaded our prime timeline and erased it, opening a fresh one.
Fate was a funny thing because even though my original fate was to die, it doesn’t stick anymore. Even after getting shot in the heart, I woke back up in the engine room, the bullet wound was still there, and I knew I chuckled.
Joker wanted me to stay alive, and he got his wish, because I literally couldn’t die permanently anymore, the original timeline’s fate was to die, but it didn’t exist anymore, I was an anomaly, a glitch between worlds and universes, someone shouldn’t even be here. But it didn’t matter, Joker gave his time, his sanity, his literal existence to save me, I’ll live to honour it, and live to find happiness with my new found fate.