Chapter Text
Buck jolted awake from a nightmare full of screams. He opened his eyes in a frenzy, trying to run from the hands of a monster that holding him down, taking his breath away. The first gulp of air was the crying of a new born in his lungs.
"What the hell?" Buck's voice was harsh, and his throat was parched. He took a look around, saw an empty chair beside his bed. There was a window but no light was coming through, so Buck thought it was night time.
And he was in a hospital.
But despite that, Buck found himself feeling surprisingly well. There was no cable coming out of his body. Also no one around him for some reason. He tried to remember why he was hospitalized again, but couldn’t come up with anything. Did he choke on smoke or burned up or a building collapsed on him or- the possiblities were endless.
He finally sat on the bed, his feet were dangling an inch or two from the floor. His eyes darted around the room to find his clothes so he wouldn’t give an ass performance to the whole hospital, but the silence was a little too deafening to be worried about his naked butt peeping between the crack of the cheap hospital gown.
"I think I overdid of being independent," Buck murmured to himself. The corner of his lips were turning up but his voice and eyes were down. One would say he was the extrovert of the world, chatting with anyone and getting along with everyone. And he might even fool himself with the act, but the times like these were the worst. If he was lying on a hospital bed, he would at least expect to see Maddie when he woke up.
Buck noticed another anomaly: his legs were just fine. That meant he wasn’t there for too long to be losing his senses. He walked down the hall, and checked every room he saw on his way. No one was there. Also he was still displaying his crack. These two things coexisting gave him an immense anxiety. What could have happened? Did someone attack the hospital and everybody flee? Then why was he left behind?
Why am i always left behind?
The tiny voice of inconvenience in his head started to nudge his brain.
Buck shook his head and kept walking. It wasnt time to pity himself, there was a problem and he had to solve it.
"Maddie! Bobby!" Buck yelled down the dimly lit hall. His voice echoed back to him and Buck felt the fear climbing up to his throat. "Eddie! Where are you!" Another empty cry that swallowed by the walls.
Buck was straight up scared now. But he wasn’t scared for himself or his wellbeing. He even forgot to dwell on why was he in the hospital in the first place. The only thought in his head was if everyone was fine and well, and that thought was only getting bigger and louder by the time goes.
Buck started to run down the corridors and flew open every door he saw. He felt a tingling pain under his foot, he didn't care. a little cut on his arm, he didn't flinch.
Are they looking for me too?
Buck turned a corner in full speed, and almost fell over his parents. "Mom! Dad!" The relief washed over him almost took his breath -whatever was left behind in his lungs.
He was grinning ear to ear, but his parents were smiling too. Buck's face fell. "What?"
"Isn't it peaceful? Won't you want to stay here forever?" Buck turned to his mom, who was looking like she just jumped out of Coraline.
"Staying here? Why would i?" He hoped to hear a good reasoning. Maybe the world ended while he was sleeping.
"Because, Evan, no one wants you to be out."
Buck turned to his dad. He felt every muscle on his neck, trying to face the man. "What?"
"You were always a burden. That we never wanted to carry. It would be better if you never existed." His dad was still smiling while talking.
Buck always knew his parents never loved him like they loved daniel. Or Maddie. He knew they always wanted to get rid of him. He tried to make himself as little as possible since childhood, trying not to be seen by them. Not to be percieved. His parent was Maddie, and Buck always told himself that he wouldn’t care what his mom and dad would say or think about him.
He was wrong.
They never even liked me.
If Buck could visionalise inside of his head, his brain would be enveloped by a black cloud. Nowhere to go, nowhere to run.
Buck took a step back away from them. The tears welled, but Buck blinked it away. He wasn’t going to spent time over their arms that never cuddled him. It wasn’t the time to think what could have happened if Daniel was never born, or he never existed. He had to find the ones that mattered the most.
He had to find his family.
Buck left his parents still smiling like they didn’t just told their son to basically kill himself. He ran for some time before he saw another human being.
This human being was his favorite, and she was with his other favorites. Buck had too many favorites.
"Maddie! Hen, Chimney. Are you guys okay? Are you hurt? What happened? Where were you?" Buck couldn’t hold himself back. It was his sister after all, and the people he would sincerely call sister and brother. If they made sure that he wouldn’t get a slap on the head for calling them that. The few people he could trust unconditionally. His mind silently made list of these people all of the sudden, and Buck wasn’t too happy with the outcome. He waited for Maddie to say something.
Maddie, Hen and Chimney had the same looks on their faces as his parents.
Buck's heart dropped.
"Hey, Buck. Are you okay?" All the ice on Buck's veins melted into a puddle when he heard Maddie's voice.
"I am. Are you? Did something happen?" Buck was afraid of the answer, but he had to know.
Maddie was still smiling. "Nothing happened. We just decided that we had enough of you. I had enough of you. Sick of being your big sister. I'm tired of you. We had to get away. And relax."
"What?"
Buck looked at Hen helplessly. "Hen?"
"Well, you do give me a hard time. Why do I have to look out for you always? I have a life too, you know?"
Buck couldn’t believe how selfish he had been. Hen was right. Why did he always talk about himself, and not about Hen?
"Also, notice how troublesome you are to Maddie? She's been your guardian angel whole time, and not even a thank you. You're ungrateful, and i'm sick of seeing Maddie sad and worried because of you. I don't need a brother in law like you, Buck. Stay away."
Buck stared at Chimney in awe. This was what they saw in him? After all he done... He wasn’t enough.
The world crumbled down and Buck almost smelt the dust coming from the debris. He chocked on it, he breathed it in, his heart stopped inside his ribs, his stomach curled. He was gonna be sick.
Buck saw the stars dancing in his sight, because the world was as dark as a moonless night.
He slowly opened his eyes again, this time the tears fell freely.
Maddie, Hen and Chimney were gone and Buck was wearing his everyday fit -a jean and a shirt- when his senses came back.
Should I really stay here and stop bothering people?
Buck didn't want to look for anyone now. His feet didn't move, and he didn't avert his eyes from the carpet under him. His stare could make a burning hole on the carpet, and Buck realized in slow motion that he wasn’t in the hospital, but still didn't do anything. Just stood there numbly, his mind unusually silent.
Buck didn't even breath for some time. seconds, minutes, hours...
Then a tiny idea, a curious and worried idea, creeped into his head. Buck blinked and took a look around. Where are Eddie and Chris? Why aren't they here?
Maybe they didn’t come. He wouldn’t want Chris to be in the hospital, it wasn’t a very comfortable place. And Buck was sure that Eddie wouldn’t want to leave Chris alone. But he wanted to see them. Buck wanted to have Eddie as a support. Beside him. Behind him. Eddie promised to get his back. And after all Maddie, Hen, Chimney and his parents said... He needed someone to have his back. That he was actually worth it, and he wasn’t exhausting. He was likeable.
Loveable.
Another thought crossed his mind but buck couldn’t find the courage to dwell on it.
Or they are sick of me too.
Buck startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder. His body went into fight or flight mode but visibly relaxed when he saw who was it.
"Bobby! Thank God. Where are we? Let's go. I need to go home." Buck almost forgot what had happened minutes ago. Maddie's exhausted but fake smiling face and Hen and Chimney's poisonous words almost faded away in the face of Bobby.
Almost.
"Hi Buck. Going home? Do you have one?"
Buck staggered back, and steadied himself by holding the corner of a furniture. Was it a table? He didn't look. "What-" He cleared his throat. "What do you mean? Bobby, of course i have a home."
Bobby was the first person who wasn’t smiling too broadly. It wasn’t an ear to ear grin. It was more like a gentle but sad, consolating smile. It broke whatever was left from his heart.
"A home is built with the people in it. With people who loves and cherishes you. Buck, you don’t have a home. You have a house."
Buck once got trapped under a fire truck. He knew exactly how it felt his ribs crushing and stabbing into his lungs, breathing becoming the hardest thing he ever done, his body flattening under the weight, the taste of blood in his mouth, his legs hurting so much that he lost the feeling of them. The numbness after his brain deciding that all of that was too much to handle.
The words coming out of Bobby's mouth were worse than that. If anyone asked Buck if he would give up on his life to save Bobby's, he wouldn’t even hesitate. That man was the father he never had.
"You guys are my home."
Buck hated how his voice cracked. How broken he sounded. He waited for Bobby to say something. He waited for Bobby to say that he was joking. The last three encounter he had with the people he loved, that he would do anything for, that he would die and kill for... He needed Bobby to tell him that all of this was a bad and twisted joke.
That he was not a liability. A burden. An inconvenience. Someone they had to be with, not they chose to. Someone they had to endure, tolarate. Someone who is too much. Too invisible. Too expendable. Too troublesome. Too exhausting.
Someone they rolled their eyes to. Someone they never held dear. Someone they fooled with. Someone they thought 'he doesn't care'. Someone who could- would take it all. Someone who's no one.
"I have Maddie. I have you, Hen, Chimney..." Buck choked on his words. "Chris, Eddie... You're my home."
Bobby turned his back. Buck couldn’t see any indication of getting fooled.
"You're nobody."
No one jumped out of the rooms and yelled 'joking!'. No one laughed.
There was nothing funny about any of this.
All of the reasonings Buck did in his head, the last struggles of keeping the self-esteem, the last air he gulped down to stabilize his mind. All of them.
Something snapped in buck.
"I'm sorry."