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It was a hot summer afternoon when Eiji first received the postcard.
He had spent the day avoiding the sun by spending all day editing photographs in his apartment in Greenwich Village.
Then he heard the doorbell ring and mail slide through the door.
Routinely and monotonously, he got up from his desk chair and went to the door, sorting through the mail, only for his eyebrows to furrow in confusion as his eyes landed upon a postcard.
A postcard from Manhattan, strangely enough. Its edges were yellowing slightly with age and looked… not new. Like, someone had saved this for some time before mailing it.
He turned it over curiously, only for his heart to stutter in his chest as he took in the familiar handwriting.
This can't be real. Someone probably wrote this as a sick joke posing as him to… what? Eiji couldn't think of anything.
But… this is exactly like Ash's handwriting. Possibly… did he write this?
Did he write this for… me?
Eiji hasn't heard from Ash in years. Not since the hospital.
Not since he reached for Ash's hand only to pull it away at the last minute so that Ash wouldn't be caught by them.
Wordlessly, he puts the other mail down, except for a letter from… Bones?
He also hadn't heard from Bones since Eiji had gone back to America for the second time. Last he heard, he, Kong, and Alex were living as roommates in an apartment, and had all gotten jobs and two had also decided to take a course in college to pass the time.
Now, Eiji took the postcard and the letter from Bones to the dining room table.
Eiji-
At the time you're reading this, you're probably in Izumo.
I don't really know why I'm writing this, because I know I'll never actually have the courage to send it , And if you're in Izumo then you're probably glad that I'm not in your life to make it more difficult.
Eiji… you said that maybe I wasn't like that leopard on top of that Mountain. That I could come back down. That I could start over.
I want to believe you , I want to believe that I can, but it's difficult to imagine what a new life free from here would be like.
You told me a little bit about Izumo. A peaceful place by the sea with many gods. A place where you said I could find freedom.
You said once that you wanted me to go with you back there. To live a peaceful life without the need for a gun.
I’m sure that when, IF I send this this won’t hold true anymore. But… I was thinking- that after all of this if I'm somehow still alive after I bury all the leftover threads here… and no threat will follow… I would like to see Izumo.
Maybe a peaceful life is too much to hope for , Maybe getting out of New York alive is too much to hope for.
I'm sure… that this tiny hope is stupid to wish for.
You don’t have to see me if you don’t want to, I’m sure you don’t and if you did, you’d be better off not to. I’m just playing with wishes even though I know they're pretty hopeless.
But, if you do- a month or two after I send this postcard… I’ve thought about it. There’s a book at the library about places in Izumo. And in that book is an island called the Benten-jima, on the coast of the Inasa beach.
Eiji, if this somehow finds its way to you, if I do have the courage to send this postcard, I'll be waiting at Inasa Beach (or the nearest beach closest to you, I don't want to complicate things already, I'll ask Ibe)
Maybe see you soon?
-Ash
(date, October, 1986)
Eiji blinked once, stunned. He had known that Ash had gotten Eiji’s letter but he had no idea that Ash had written one of his own.
But… Ash thought that Eiji wouldn’t want to see him, or that he shouldn’t?
How could Ash even begin to think that?
Eiji never wanted to be left here alone without him. Didn’t Ash read his letter? Didn't Ash know how much Eiji cared about him?
…Or maybe his depression’s intrusive thoughts empowered over everything else in the end.
Then Eiji remembered that Bones had also sent a letter. He opened the envelope, only to let two different folded papers fall out. One was a crumpled-up piece of notebook paper, with tiny blood stains scattered over the soft-with-age paper.
The other was written on a piece of plain white paper, and it was clean. New.
He decided to read Bones’s first.
Eiji,
Encased is a postcard from Ash that he handed me to keep safe, and a letter from Ash that we found at… you know. I don’t know why I had forgotten that it was in my possession for so long, but I thought that you deserved the chance to read them yourself .
Anyway, I hope this letter finds you in good spirits, and that these don’t make things worse . But no matter what, they were addressed to you and were written for you. I didn’t have the right or the heart to keep these from you.
From,
Bones
Dear Eiji,
I suppose I'm writing all of this because I have to get out onto paper.
I’m selfish. I’m a murderer. And yet… you’re determined to stay here, even with all the danger and the horrifying truths that keep finding you.
Why?
Why do you stay here? Why are you so kind to me?
I swear to god Eiji, you couldn’t be any more of a literal personification of an angel if you tried.
But I still don’t know why… to me especially. I know you would scold me if you read this,
You who is made up of everything good, reached out and comforted the me that is rotten, bloodied, and broken.
Eiji- I’ve been trying to come up with what to say this whole time, been trying to come up with answers for why…
I just read your letter. I think I understand now.
I wish I could have gone to Japan with you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t , I'm sorry that I couldn’t even see you off.
I’m not good at expressing genuine things from the heart, but I want you to keep my heart with you too.
There’s not mu-
Sorry
And right below it is a tiny pen drawing of a heart, sloppy, filled with the dwindling strength of a hand that belonged to someone in his dying moment.
Cold tears fell onto the letter as Eiji gritted his teeth, tightening his hands around it until he was squeezing the letter tight within his grasp.
Ash had written this. Ash had written this.
…For him .
He wanted to go to Japan? He wanted to reach for a happy future?
Eiji felt his heart flake away into shards. It was unfair. So unfair.
Ash should have gotten the chance to live a normal, happy life.
He should have gotten to blow the candles out on his 20th birthday, he should have gotten the chance to live without the need for a gun, fate shouldn’t have gotten in the way.
…If only Ash had sent this because he was somehow alive and wanted to reunite with him.
How many sleepless nights has he dreamed of that happening?
For Eiji to go there, and for Ash to be alive and well, to touch his face and make sure that he’s not just a figment of Eiji’s imagination, to hold him close and feel his heartbeat, to smell that familiar mixture of gunpowder and clean linen, with the faint lemon scent of Eiji’s laundry detergent that seemed to stay on Ash’s clothes way back then, to never let him go again.
His heart tugged with the overwhelming sense of longing, of grief.
…Of love.
But Ash wasn’t here. He was in a cemetery at Cape Cod, in Massachusetts. He has been for the last seven years.
Eiji is just doing time until he dies himself, and fate allows them to reunite at last.
-----
Bones stood by the phone, dialling an out-of-country number, before putting the speaker to his ears.
“I did it. Now you have to keep up your end of the bargain. Yes- I know it’s dangerous! But we agreed! Listen, you have to put this poor guy out of his misery, and if there’s anyone who can sneak back into a country where you’re either dead or wanted to be, it’s you, Boss. ”
Bones stopped to listen to the voice on the other end. “What if he doesn't want to see you again? You’re all he ever thinks about! He goes to your grave every year, he sees you in random strangers and hopes that it’s you only for it to be a similar but unknown guy!”
“Boss,” Bones’s voice softened. “If it weren’t for you we never would have defeated the mafia boss and his minions which saved countless lives. Man, if it weren’t for you, I don’t even know where I would be. If you didn’t accept me and count me into one of your own… I could have died if it weren’t for you. You do have a big heart Boss. I know Eiji doesn't think you’re a monster either. Drag him down? Hold him back? Ruin his life? Eiji’s life is shit. He’s constantly waiting until he can see you again.“
“I- I didn’t say before 'cause I didn’t want you to worry or blame yourself-...”
“Bones.”
Then Bones whispered a truth that made the person on the other end go silent.
It was dark, but it was true, and although he didn’t want to be the one to tell him, although he didn’t want to spill the secret without Eiji’s permission…
Ash deserved to know how Eiji’s been doing ever since that day. Anything to get him out of his sea of doubts to see reality instead of his blue-tinted glasses.
Eiji hated and never wanted to see him? Such a phrase was laughable. In a very grim way.
Eiji was heartbroken.
For the first year, Eiji had been doing hardly anything but trying to see him again.
He was in and out of hospital four times before the staff decided it would be better to keep him there during this part of the grieving process.
He didn’t give up until nothing he did worked and he had to swallow the painful truth he didn’t want to accept.
Well, Eiji had thought it to be true. So did Bones, until Ash revealed his very much alive status to him in a phone call.
He said not to tell Eiji. That no one knew. Alright. Bones could keep a secret.
Even though he hated keeping this particular secret from Eiji. The very person he has been mourning for the last few years…
…Is very much alive. And speaking to Bones right now as a matter of fact.
“He did WHAT? Is he okay? Oh my god, I didn’t mean for this to happen, I thought that everyone would be okay. …I suppose I can find a way.”
“Good, you better. Not to be rude, Boss, but you have a lot to apologize to Eiji for. By faking your death and not telling anyone…. Listen, man, everyone cares about you. You may think you're alone, but we’re all here. It’s not a joke, man. I refuse to let this go until you’ve both made up.”
Ash says something else. Conversation ends.
-----
It was only a few days later that Eiji heard a knock on his door.
Sing was over, helping Eiji with the household chores, and grocery shopping. So when there was a knock from the other side of the door, Sing came from the kitchen and crossed the room quickly.
“Whose that?”
With a perpetual heavy feeling in his chest, Eiji too, slowly got up from his desk chair.
As soon as Sing turned the door handle, a guy with long pink hair stumbled through with a frantic look. “Eiji!”
Eiji didn’t even blink before Bones had grabbed onto his wrist and was now attempting to lead him out of the door.
“Bones? What are you doing?” Eiji asked, his voice tired and dull.
“Come with me to the beach!”
-----
Ash arrived back in New York 16 hours and 40 minutes later, rolling a suitcase along the sidewalk.
He never thought he would be here again.
He never wanted to be here again.
But if Eiji- the thought sent a chill up Ash’s spine, mixing with a heavy dose of guilt.
He thought that they all would be fine. That nobody cared about him enough to mourn. That he would be forgotten about in six months.
In the morning sunlight, he looked up at his destination.
Not the Changdai restaurant, not the apartment he and Eiji used to share, not even the beach. There would be time. Time for Ash to apologize. To bear the brunt of Eiji’s anger.
He wasn’t even sure if he could make everything alright between them again.
Maybe it isn’t possible. Maybe he would make everything worse by reaching out to Eiji again.
But here he was, standing in front of the Art Gallery.
He pulled his jacket hood up before opening the building, a little bell tinkling above him.
Everything was quiet, the gallery barely occupied. Tensing from the silence, he walked in, making sure his footsteps made no sound at all. The lack of a gun at his side made him even more nervous. Even though his therapist had said that he was making a lot of progress.
Well, he had been able to make that progress because he had been in Japan and not New York. Here, everywhere around him is a sick reminder of everything that has happened, the people he had lost, and the abuse he had endured.
So, to help, as he walked along the streets, he paid attention only to his phone's map. He couldn't look at this city again. He didn't want to look at this city again. But he would be dammed if he never saw Eiji again, especially if his absence was actively hurting the other.
It only took three minutes for Ash to find the very back of the gallery. He stilled, breath catching in his throat.
Right in front of him was a large picture of him, sitting against the sunrise, one of the only pictures he had let Eiji take of him.
He didn’t expect Eiji to have hung it up in his gallery. The one picture of him where he isn't-
Where he is normal. There was nothing ‘sexual’ about this photo at all, but somehow it seemed to paint him in an ethereal light, as if the boy in the picture is like an angel with a golden halo.
He spied the nameplate under the blown-up photo.
“...Dawn,” he let out in a breathless whisper.
Does… is this how Eiji saw him? As if he actually mattered, as if he wasn’t some sex toy for greedy filthy old men, or a murderous monster created by other monsters that wanted to control him like a puppet on a string?
Then he went to look at Eiji’s other photographic works of art.
He froze again as he came to a smaller photograph. Eiji and Sing, with a dog and a kid, somewhere Ash had a feeling was near Cape Cod.
Ash froze.
Eiji and… Sing?
Could it be… that… Eiji is with Sing? That they’re… lovers? His mind taunted him. And his heart broke a little more.
For a selfish reason, he didn’t want them to be.
Even though he had lied and hid, making Eiji believe that he had been dead for the last seven years.
…He’s the worst… huh?
…Eiji deserves someone better than me. Someone less broken, someone who wouldn’t come back at night covered in someone else's blood-... Eiji deserved the world, and Ash was far from deserving even just to bask in a sliver of Eiji’s light.
And even if Ash longed for Eiji to hold him in his arms once again as he cried, to talk and laugh together, to quarrel, to read together, he knew that life liked to cruelly laugh at him for even thinking such a wish could ever come true. Yet again, he sabotaged another chance for happiness.
But… if Eiji’s happy then…
If anyone else were to look at it, they would see a picture-perfect family. Complete with a white picket fence.
He zoomed in on Sing, noticing the ring on his finger, noticing how happy they both looked together. Even Eiji- Ash had to do a double take- was smiling calmly. There was an aura of gloom around him but also…
Care. Affection. Love. So intense in his gaze that Ash swallowed guiltily and looked away.
Why should he come between them when it seems like Eiji has already found happiness?
Even if Eiji was hurt in the beginning, surely he would have moved on by now. Ash frowned remembering the phone call with Bones.
Maybe he was overly concerned. Maybe Ash shouldn’t reveal himself to Eiji.
Maybe it would be better if he just… went back to Japan.
Eiji seemed content in the photo, and even if he did somehow- it’s been seven years. Ash probably is only a fading memory of someone from Eiji’s past.
Why should Ash disrupt the peaceful life Eiji has made for himself when he knew he would only be a burden to Eiji?
Selfish… his mind supplied.
-----
“Wha- wha-.”
“It’s important! You’ll regret it if you don’t!”
Eiji slowly tugged his hand away, staring at Bones in confusion. “I… I don’t understand.”
“Yeah, what’s gotten into you?” Sing interjected.
Bones faltered for a second becoming silent.
Then he spoke again. “Ah- I… um… I can’t say!”
“Wait, wait, so you want Eiji to go to the beach with you for… what? Something you don’t know or can’t explain?”
“It’s not like that! I’m not allowed to! He wanted it to be a surprise!”
“Wait, wait, wait. Whose ‘he’?”
Bones fidgeted, clearly distressed. “Um… ah… Just come with me!”
Eiji sighed. “If I do, will you leave me in peace?”
Bones nodded frantically. ‘Come on! We have to hurry!”
After Eiji slipped on his shoes, the three ran out, Bones leading the way. While he ran. Bones took out his phone and dialed a number, before frantically shouting into it.
“We’re on our way!”
Then, Bones skidded to a stop in his tracks. “What do you mean you’re going back? You promised!”
A voice could be heard quietly, too quietly to make out who was on the other end of the line.
“What?” then Bones deflated, visibly disappointed. “Alright. You’re the b- guy, guy. But… why? Wait, what should I have told you about? Huh, wait!” Bones slammed his phone into the ground in frustration as the other hung up.
They looked at Bones silently for a few seconds. Bones tried to come up with an excuse. “Uhh… c-change of… plans?”
“Now you have to tell us why you dragged us out here at three pm in the summer for,” Sing crossed his arms.
“Um….” Bones thought. “Hey, Sing, can we uh, speak quietly for a second?”
Sing sighed. “Is that the only way you're gonna spill?”
Bones nodded.
“Alright, fine,” he then turned to Eiji who was just standing there, kind of confused but not caring enough to ask what the situation was. “You don’t have to wait for me and Bones, you can go back home if you want to."
Bones jogged ahead, waving for Sing to hurry up. He barely managed to make out Eiji’s nod, before running to keep up with Bones.
Then, Bones led the two to a secluded place, well away from Eiji’s earshot. “Okay,” he began quickly, looking at Sing. “I can tell you, but only you and Yut Lung. But Eiji can’t know just yet. Promise?”
Sing crossed his arms. “Why not Eiji? What’s going on?”
Bones sucked in a breath. “If I tell you you have to promise to not repeat it to anyone else except for Yut Lung. Especially not Eiji,” Bones held out his pinky to the other. “Do you promise?”
After a quick moment of thinking, Sing nodded cooly, wrapping his own pinkie around the other's as they shook in a binding promise. “I promise.”
“Okay… uh… I should probably start at the beginning.”
“No shit.”
“Well, uh…” Bones laughed uneasily. “Back then Boss gave me a postcard to hold onto for him. Said that he would tell me if and when he wanted me to mail it to Eiji. And when he… his hoodie was found, there was a folded up letter in there… addressed to Eiji. I kept the two letters for years. At one point, I remembered that I had them, and wondered whether it would be a good idea to send them anyway. But, uh… Then something… unexpected happened.”
“Bones, if you tripped and saw god again, I swear to god-.”
“I-it’s not like that! Okay, here’s the thing- Ash contacted me. It turns out that he was maybe alive all along and had just… faked his death…? And maybehidthetruthfromallofusevenEiji…?” Bones ended tentatively.
“ ...What. Wait, wait, wait a moment,” Sing began. “Ash is alive.”
Bones nodded.
“He faked his death and didn’t tell ANY of us, making us believe that he had been dead for seven years.”
Bones nodded again.
“...That bastard,” Sing sighed in frustration. “I can’t believe he would hurt Eiji and Max like that. All of us like that.”
He went silent for a moment contemplating the news, before speaking up again. “And- what? You sent those letters?”
Bones looked down guiltily. “It was partly my idea. Even though he had begged me not to tell Eiji about him actually being alive, I thought it was unfair to keep information like that from Eiji. So I talked about it to Boss, and he agreed. He was supposed to meet us on the beach and reunite with Eiji, and now because he went to the art gallery, he thinks that you and Eiji are in love, and have the perfect life-”
Sing fake gagged. “With Eiji? What the fuck, wait, isn’t my ring obvious in that picture?”
“He thinks that you are both married.”
“Oh no.”
“And that Akira is your daughter.”
“Oh no.”
“He’s using that as an excuse, he thinks that if he shows himself to Eiji, that he would ruin Eiji’s life and the life Eiji had built for himself. That he realized it would be best not to interfere.”
Sing pointed his sunglasses at Bones. “Meet me and Yut at our house at 5:00 tonight. Don’t be late. We’ll discuss more about this and what to do then.”
Bones was stunned and then nodded. “Y-yes!”
And then Sing walked away, down the slope, and into the distance.
Bones knew that Ash had told him not to tell anyone, but with the way things were going, he needed to channel the personality of someone like Yut Lung and bend the rules and use his own planning to make things turn out okay. There wasn’t much of another option, anyway.
Eiji deserved to know the truth. He deserved to reunite with Ash, as by staying MIA, Ash was not just hurting himself, but Eiji as well.
At five in the evening, Bones found himself in front of the door to Yut Lung and Sing’s house. It was as rich and extravagant as you could imagine.
It was paid for by his late brother's bank account, after all. Yut Lung said that he was using the money to live a happy and well life, as a fuck you to him. He invited Bones and some of Ash’s gang along on trips around the world sometimes- all first class of course.
When Bones rang the doorbell, it took a few minutes before Sing answered the door.
“Come in,” he gestured to Bones to follow him into the living room.
Yut Lung was already sitting down on a sofa, a half-full wine glass in his hand. Sing walked over to him, and plopped down in the seat beside him. Bones stared at the two, unsure what to do. He glanced at the empty couch across from the one that the couple were sitting on, before looking at them, Yut Lung’s eyes filled with an unsaid expectation.
Cautiously, Bones slowly sat down on the unoccupied couch.
“Now,” Yut circled the tips of his fingers on one hand around the top of the glass. “We will start. What is this about Ash being alive?”
“He is,” Bones confirmed. “A few months ago he reached out to me. We’ve even talked on the phone a few times.”
"So… he’s alive. I see how it is,” Yut Lung leaned back and took a small sip of his drink. “He faked his death. I mean, with no body found, I guess it was only a matter of time before he revealed himself to be alive.”
“Nobody knows about this except for me, Sing, and now you.”
Yut Lung stilled in surprise. “No one else knows? What about Eiji? Surely, the Lynx would have told him years ago.”
“Eiji has no idea. He still thinks that Ash is not alive anymore. Ash pleaded with me not to tell him.”
“What the fuck. I was under the impression that they were hopelessly in love with each other.”
“He said that he thought it would be better for Eiji to just think he was dead. That with that, Eiji could move ahead in his life and live happily, and forget all about Ash.”
Yut Lung snorted. “Well, that's stupid.”
“I’ve gotten Ash to let me send the postcard he had written to Eiji a long time ago. And also… I sent a love letter that Ash had written and left in his bloodied jacket pocket in the library. He doesn't know.”
“...Going against the former gang boss for his own good… Intriguing. Continue.”
“Ash was in New York earlier today. I basically blackmailed him into coming back and reuniting with Eiji.”
Yut Lung visibly sat up at this. “He was in New York earlier? I assume that because you’re here, the reunion didn’t go as planned.”
“It’s more like it didn’t go at all. I had spent nearly thirty minutes convincing Eiji to follow me to the beach, and within that time, Ash found the art gallery, saw a picture with Sing, Eiji, Akira, and Buddy, and assumed that Sing and Eiji were together or some shit.”
“...Did he not notice Sing’s wedding ring and my name on the plaque that says who took the picture?”
“Apparently not,” Bones sighed. ‘It’s like he’s purposely self-sabotaging himself.”
A quiet moment passed between the three.
"That's it."
Bones and Sing looked over at Yut Lung as he stood up, firmly placing his glass on the table.
"If Ash didn't come to Eiji, we'll have to bring Eiji to Ash," he then directed his gaze at Sing. "Can you get Eiji to pack up before tomorrow afternoon?"
"But…" Bones figured. "What if he doesn't want to come with us?"
Yut Lung looked at him with an exasperated impatient 'you're an idiot' expression, slowly removing a long needle from his ponytail, before sticking it back in.
Sing nodded at him. "Knocking him out. Nice," he then turned to Bones. "If you get pricked with that needle, you get knocked out for a few hours," he explained.
"A-and- that's okay?"
"We need to put all hands on deck. Use everything we have at our disposal,” Yut Lung replied, looking up the phone number for the airport. He balanced the book on his lap. “Lynx is not only hurting himself, but hurting Eiji, and by extension, everyone who knows him who also thinks that he’s dead.”
Then he reached across the coffee table and grabbed the phone, dialling a number before holding it to his ear.
“Hello? Yes, I’m looking to book four first-class tickets to Izumo for a plane leaving tomorrow, please.”
-----
At about Five in the morning, Eiji woke up to Sing shaking him awake. He yawned.”What time is it…?” He asked sleepily.
“Time to get dressed. The flight leaves in four hours.”
This made Eiji balt up, his unwashed and unbrushed hair messy and tangled, falling along his back. “Flight?!”
“Yut’s idea. Me, Yut, and Bones are going, and it’s vitally important that you come too.”
“...Why? Where are we going…?”
“That. That is a surprise.”
Eiji grumbled with a realization. “You just want to keep monitoring me on your trip to make sure I'm okay. Sing, I told you, I won't do anything drastic if I'm left alone.”
“Last time I left you alone for 48 hours, you were crying into an empty bottle of alcohol.”
Eiji thought for a moment before replying. “But I didn’t do anything drastic.”
Sing sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Still technically not the reason, but you know what? That's a good second reason.”
Eiji just laid back down and pulled the covers back over him, with a huff. …Only to be picked up in a bridal carry by a smirking Sing, and carried from the bed to the bathroom, blanket in tow. He gasped in surprise when he was lifted out of bed.
“Put me down!”
“Not a chance.”
…Before dropping Eiji unceremoniously in the bathtub. “Take a shower while you still have time, your suitcase is already packed.”
Eiji looked up at Sing, confused. “Are… are we going to an Onsen or something?”
“Can’t say, it’s a secret!”
Eiji grumbled. “Why is everyone suddenly hiding stuff from me…?”
Sing chuckled uneasily. “W-what do you mean?”
Eiji crossed his arms. “Don’t play dumb. Bones had a secret that he could tell anyone BUT ME. And now Yut Lung is inviting the four of us on an impromptu vacation to a place you say you can’t tell me about!”
Sing crouched down until he was at eye level with Eiji. “Just know that some god answered your wishes and have an open mind. …Alright, I guess I can tell you a little. You’re the reason we’re going, Eiji. You and that stubborn, fucking-...” Sing shook his head. “Never mind,” he stood up. “Just get cleaned up and put some street clothes on. We have to meet Yut and Bones at the airport at 7.”
After Sing left and closed the door, Eiji figured he might as well humour him. He got out of his pyjamas and turned on the water, making it blistering hot. He didn’t have the strength or energy to actually wash, he hadn’t for a week or two now- summer was here and so was an episode of heightened depression to make his grief even worse.
So he just stood under the shower head, letting his hair get wet and some of it detangle with the water pressure. He didn’t really care too much, but trying to detangle it already made itself a daunting task too exhausting to find the time for.
Lately, he was even more tired than normal, going to sleep at 10, often waking up once or more with horrible nightmares, and then giving up at noon.
When he was awake, he threw himself into his work, his photography, and also caring for Buddy.
His thoughts were abruptly shaken as he heard a knock on the bathroom door.
“Eiji? You’ve been in there for fifteen minutes, are you okay?”
“You know the answer to that,” Eiji huffed out as he turned off the water and willed his body out of the shower and into a towel.
He quickly got dressed into something he hadn’t put much thought into, tied his hair in a low ponytail, grabbed his keys, and attached Buddy’s leash to his collar.
They arrived at the airport by taxi at 7:30 and found Yut Lung and Bones at around 7:45.
Bones waved them over to where he and his shoulder bag stood, along with Yut Lung and his five bedazzled makeup boxes and suitcases.
“Good, you're finally here.”
Sing came up to Yut and pressed a chaste kiss against the other’s lips. “Good morning, dear, snake of my heart.”
Yut crossed his arms, looking to the side, but his cheeks had an embarrassed blush on them that wasn’t from the makeup. “Shut up.”
For the next four hours, they waited. Meanwhile, Yut Lung had passed everyone their ticket.
When the time came, they all waited in line, moving slowly up, until they were on the plane.
Eiji followed them numbly to the seats at the very back.
It was another few moments of numb silence before the plane intercom broke the quiet.
“Welcome to the plane, on the flight from New York to Izumo, Japan.”
“Izumo?” Eiji questioned, his eyes going wide. ‘Why are we going to Izumo?”
The three glanced at each other, an unsaid conversation told by their eyes.
“Because some-,” Sing contorted his face into different expressions to stop himself from giving the surprise away. “Dumbass is making the biggest mistake of his life and we need to go to Izumo to rectify it.”
Eiji blinked. “...I’m sorry, why are we going to Izumo?”
“What he said.”
“...Dumbass nerd thinks he’s helping by dropping off the face of the Earth,” Sing muttered, almost too quietly for anyone to hear.
“...You do realize that I have no qualms about jumping out of the plane.”
Bones’s and Yut Lung’s eyes widened in unexpected shock.
“But I know Ash wouldn’t share that sentiment,” Sing replied gently.
Eiji stared at him, before slumping down in his seat, his lower lip sticking out in a stubborn pout.
-----
The sixteen hours in the air wasn’t hellish but wasn’t void of being uncomfortable. The heat stuck to the back of Eiji’s neck as he looked mindlessly out of the window, Bones was playing games on his phone, Yut Lung was either fixing his makeup, braiding his hair out of boredom, or having whispered conversations and holding hands with Sing. When Eiji looked back a few hours later, they had both fallen asleep, Yut’s head on Sing’s shoulder.
He had to admit that they were cute together, although Eiji had to admit that he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t secretly a little bit jealous.
About three or four hours after the plane took off, Eiji decided to get out his well-read copy of The Night on the Galactic Railroad to cure his boredom.
And then about four hours later, he too, fell asleep.
The plane landed in Izumo at about 10: 30 AM, the next day.
The heat from the late morning sun beamed down on them, as Yut put on his wide-brim sun hat and sunglasses.
First, they got to the fancy hotel that Yut Lung had booked for them, checked in and set their luggage down inside their rooms.
Eiji flopped down on the bed in his hotel room, exhausted, and instantly fell asleep.
*~~~*
Eiji opens his eyes to a white void surrounded by blue-green sea mist. He tenses up.
He recognizes exactly which dream it was.
…Why this time?
There's a figure in front of him, and Eiji can't help but to reach out his hand with a gasp drawn from his throat like he always does, his lips shaping a single name in a whisper.
"...Ash…"
But like always, Ash doesn’t hear him. He continues walking farther away, yet never getting small or farther into the distance.
He calls after him, his name falling from Eiji’s lips over and over again, pleading for the other to turn around, in desperate calls.
But he never looks behind, never hearing him, or pretending not to.
Eiji finds his feet stuck to the ground, not being able to do anything except to call out for Nightmare Ash, and hope, more than anything, that this time… Ash wouldn’t leave him behind again.
*~~~*
When Eiji woke up, the sky outside his window was pitch black. He blinked as his eyes gradually got adjusted to the darkness, briefly wondering where he was before his mind caught up.
He was In Izumo with his friends.
Right.
Eiji never thought that he would ever be back here. Not since he and his mother’s screaming match about Eiji moving on with his life and finding a nice girl to settle down with and marry- that led to him leaving Izumo and going back to the place he would feel closest to Ash.
He wondered what they were all planning. What did Sing say on the plane?
Wasn’t it something about someone making a big mistake or something…?
Eiji had been too tired to give any thought or care to the information before.
But as he thought about it, it didn’t make any sense.
Sing had told him that they were coming here because of him, yet on the plane, he said that someone else made a big mistake.
Unless Eiji was the one they had said made the mistake.
Strangely he thought back to when that old postcard from Ash arrived. It was Bones who had sent it, wasn’t it?
With an idea, Eiji got up and brought his backpack to the bed, searching for two pieces of paper…
“Ah! Found it!” he exclaimed loudly as he brought up the aforementioned postcard and Ash’s letter to him out of the bag.
Hurrying back to the bed to sit down, he opened them up and began to reread.
Tears didn’t well in his eyes this time, but his heart still stung and throbbed, and his throat still closed up.
Ash was here with him again, in the familiar handwriting, in the ink, in the emotions embedded in the words.
Does this… have to do with Ash by any chance? But how? Ash is…
Even now, Eiji refused to finish that thought. But wait, in the postcard, Ash had written it with the assumption that he would still be alive. But Eiji had seen Ash’s grave. Had stood by it and cried. Had talked to it every time Ash’s birthday passed, or his death anniversary passed. Every time something major happened in his life.
Every time his sense of missing and grief was too much to bear and he just had to see him no matter what.
Eiji slammed open the door to Yut Lung's room, startling both Yut Lung who was resting against the couch, and Bones, who dropped his teacup onto the table in surprise, which immediately shattered into many pieces. They could clean that up later.
“Ash!” he choked out. “Does this have anything to do with Ash? Why did we travel here? Please tell me the truth!” tears streamed down his cheeks.
“Eiji…” Sing murmured in surprise.
“Haha, what do you mean?” Bones’ left eye was twitching. “That’s ridiculous, why would he-...?”
“-Fuck this,” Yut Lung delicately put down his own teacup, before levelling Eiji’s gaze. “Yes, Ash Lynx is alive. Apparently. He’s made his appearance known to Bones just recently, and all I know about it is that he apparently travelled to live in Izumo after settling all his affairs. To the world, Ash Lynx is dead. To Japan, he’s an average regular university student studying to become a therapist.”
Eiji’s eyes were blown comically wide. So many emotions were flowing through him, and yet he didn’t know how exactly he felt at that moment.
Disbelief suspended by hope, he opened his mouth to ask more, to react, all he could do was stare blankly, mouth agape.
After a few seconds of silence, not even having completely gathered his bearings yet, the first thing he did was fling the door open and run out of the room, ignoring the calls after him.
He flew down the hallway, not even bothering with the elevator and rushing down the stairs as quickly as he could. His heart thumped in his chest, the sickly sweet anxiety accumulating in his stomach and bursting through his heart, his chest, and his throat. He couldn’t wait. He had to find him.
He had to see him.
If it was the last thing he ever did.
“Eiji!” Yut Lung scrambled from the couch and he, Sing, and Bones raced out of the hotel room, trying to catch up with Eiji’s trail. Bones held his blanket like a bowling ball under his arm.
When Eiji reached the bottom of the stairs, he turned the door handle in his shaky hands, but it wouldn’t open, no matter what. Eiji was growing desperate. After a few seconds, he started pounding on the door. “Help! Let me out, let me out!”
There wasn’t much time. There would never be enough time. Because when it came to Ash it couldn’t wait. Eiji couldn’t wait.
He had to see- had to check and make sure if he was truly alive- had to sob and yell and hold him in his arms. Had to scream and cry, and pepper Ash’s face with all those soft kisses he hadn’t had the chance to give the other before.
He wanted to yell at him. Scream at him. Why did he hide the fact that he was alive from Eiji for so long? He wanted to kiss him. Hold him and repeat that everything was okay, that everything was going to be okay.
He could feel that his cheeks were somehow wet with the salty taste of tears leaking into his mouth. His knees ached, and he briefly wondered how long he had been on the floor for.
“Eiji! Eiji,” He soon felt the presence of Yut Lung and the others come into his proximity, and the weight of a blanket being draped over his shoulders.
Then he felt someone strong- probably Sing, help him stand up. “Are you okay?”
“I need-” Eiji’s mouth felt as if it was full of cotton. “I need to see him,” he choked out. He started trying to open the front door again.
“I know. We understand,” Yut Lung said smoothly and gently as if he were trying to calm down an upset baby. “But it’s only three o’clock in the morning.”
“But- he’s- alive-”
“And we’re going to meet him on the beach at 11. He won’t be expecting you, but that’s the whole point of bringing you here. He’s afraid to reunite with you because he fears that his presence in any way will ruin the ‘oh so great’ life you have.”
That was enough to make Eiji pause and stare at him “...Ash said that?”
“Yep.”
“That’s really stupid.”
“Yeah.”
“But we know that by hiding, he’s doing exactly what he’s afraid of doing,” Sing added on. Yut Lung hummed in agreement.
Eiji didn’t know how to feel. How he should feel. How he did feel.
He didn’t remember walking back up the staircase, gripping the warm weight of the blanket tight around him, only a vague realization of what was going on.
The next thing he knew, he was sitting on the couch back in Yut Lung and Sing’s room, the latter just having handed him a cup of hot chocolate.
He held the mug in his hands, staring down at it wordlessly.
The brown liquid swirled in the mug as it was handed to him, and the steam warmed up his face.
After a few minutes, he felt Yut Lung’s stare on him, and he looked up to see the other almost studying him. Eiji weirdly felt a little like he was about to be dissected. Finally…
“Eiji, what happened to your hair?” Yut Lung frantically rushed out.
Eiji stared at him with a deadpan expression that lately mostly came with being tired of Yut Lung’s shit. “Don’t focus on that.”
“No. no, no, no, no, we absolutely cannot let you go out like that!”
“…Why?”
“You can’t reunite with Ash looking like that! I’m going to fix your appearance so that when you meet Ash, you at least look good.”
Eiji sighed. “Do I have a choice?”
“Nope!” Then Yut Lung rushed over a chair and rushed to get Eiji sitting down, draping a towel over his shoulders and flying around the room to get everything he needed. “Don't worry,” he began, eyes focused on looking through his makeup bag. “I’m a professional.”
“Uhh,” Sing cautiously raised his hand. “Not that I don’t think that you don’t know what you're doing, but wouldn’t it be better for Ash to see how much of a mess Eiji is…?”
Yut Lung stared at Sing plaintively. “Absolutely not. Do you remember back when we were still trying to solve Banana Fish or whatever its name was? Going through a dark time isn’t an excuse to let your guard down and look like shit at a reunion or other important event. Presentation is key to success.”
Bones’s mouth gaped. “I-isn’t that a little harsh!?”
“Shh, shh, let me see the damage and figure out what we need to do.”
He stares at Eiji’s hair for a second, lifting up some strands that were either greasy or stuck together in clumps. The amount of knots was tremendous. Finally, he let out his verdict.
“…We’re going to have to cut it.”
“What?!”
“Sing dear, please hand me the scissors.”
“You are NOT going to cut my hair.”
“Why not? You grew this out in mourning of Ash, right? He’s alive, right? You can pretend that these last seven years didn’t happen the way they did.”
Eiji sucked in a breath.”Yes but… It might have started out that way, but I know that I cannot go back to being the person I was seven years ago. There’s no going back. Only ahead. The Eiji Ash knew is gone. I can't erase these past years. These past seven years have been tortuous and painful…. But I can’t pretend that they didn’t happen. I do not know why they happened like this… or why Ash disappeared for so long. But I know that even if he is alive, we can’t just pretend like we haven’t been apart for seven years.”
“Wise…” Bones murmured.
“Okay, okay, I understand, that’s valid. We won’t cut your hair.”
“Thank you-.”
“We’re going to detangle it. You remember what torture felt like during the banana fish incident, right?”
“…Yes?”
“Good, just making sure you're prepared.”
Yut Lung went over to check his stuff before pausing. “Of course,” Eiji heard him murmur. “I don’t usually need hair detangler…” he stood up, getting his bag and the room keys. “I’m going to get some hair detangler at the local conbini, I should be back in about five minutes. Sing, don’t let Eiji out of your sight!”
“Wow,” Eiji grumbled as the door shut behind Yut Lung.
“Sorry,” Sing offered with an apologetic grin.
‘No, you're not.”
“You’re right. I'm not.”
-----
About 15 minutes later, the door opened.
“I’m back bitches!”
“Well, that took longer than I was expecting,” Sing commented as Yut Lung entered the room with a huge heavily filled bag, but with the hint of a teasing smile on his lips despite his crossed arms.
“Mm. There weren’t many options, so I also looked in the cosmetics aisle.”
Sing sighed, planting his face into his hand. “Oh no.”
“Oh, yes.”
“How much…?”
“You know that answer, honey. Anyway, I was out of there in about ten minutes.”
Sing sighed again. “...What else?”
“I ran into some yakuza wannabees causing trouble.”
Sing’s expression turned serious for a moment. “Are you hurt?”
“Always,” Yut Lung rolled his eyes. “No, but not from dealing with those shitbags tonight. I mean,” he continued. “They certainly put up a fight. They naturally assumed that I was an easy target and tried to attack, but they soon learned that they were sorely mistaken. And you know how much I hate ignorant people who romanticize the mafia, darling.”
Sing then smirked. “I know.”
Bones’s jaw was so wide it was practically on the floor. “Wha- wha- and that's okay?!”
“If you pretend to be a criminal, expect to be treated like one,” Yut Lung replied without a change in expression. “I didn’t go through all that-…” he squeezed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth. “-Shit, just to be mocked by dickheaded bastards who have no idea what the crime scene is really like!”
The room was silent as he sought to catch his breath. Slowly, his harsh grip on the yellow plastic bottle weakened a bit, the pads of his fingers no longer turning white from the pressure.
“Dear… are you okay?”
“...What’s going on now…?” Eiji looked around, confused.
Yut Lung snapped back to action and pushed the bottle into Eiji’s hands. “There weren’t many options. You get apple.”
“Oh,” was all Eiji could muster.
“How long has it been since you’ve last shampooed or brushed your hair?”
“I think…” Eiji tried to remember. “I don’t remember the last time I brushed it, but it’s been some time since I had the energy to or cared about shampooing my hair.”
“Hm… I would say to wash it before detangling it, but I don’t think the shampoo will work much with this mess.”
“...Should I be insulted?”
Within a second he felt a cool mist spray into his hair, filling the room with artificial apple scent as the bottle promised.
“Are you ready…?”
Eiji looked ahead in determination. “I’m ready.”
Then he felt the cool touch of the comb in his hair, wincing secretly as it came to a stop as they faced the first knot.
The knot took about ten long minutes, and it was painful, but Eiji had experienced worse. Way worse. This was indiscriminately tiny compared to the horrors he had faced by Ash’s side.
“But even so, he grimaced, a tiny sound of pain leaving his lips.
But then Yut stilled, looking at him in concern. “Are you okay?”
“Don’t worry,” Eiji grit his teeth. “It's fine. It doesn't hurt as bad as I've already experienced in life. Continue.”
Yut Lung looked at him with a concerned strange face, as he hesitantly brought the comb back to his hair. “...O-okay…”
It turned out that there were many knots, even more than Eiji had known about. He hadn’t really cared to know though. Back then… nothing mattered except getting through to the next day.
Sometime later, right when Eiji could see the sun just peeking over the horizon through the window, did Yut Lung finally deem his hair unknotted.
His scalp ached and borderline stung, his sense of smell tired, and his knees achy as he shakily stood up from the chair, a fresh pain hitting his back from sitting in one position for that long.
Yut Lung soon ushered him into the shower, with the instruction of not just standing under the water, but instead shampooing his hair, but hounded on him to not rub his hair on top of his head and mess it up, instead delicately into the scalp and shampooing the strands of his hair down.
Once he came out of the shower, he felt oddly spotless and clean, like everything bad had washed away. Only one thought was on his mind as he brushed his teeth and stepped into clean clothes.
He was about to reunite with Ash. This couldn’t be real.
No way this was real. But as Yut Lung styled his hair, and argued with him about doing Eiji’s makeup (in the end Eiji allowed him to put some lip gloss and some light concealer to cover up the dark circles under his eyes), anxiety and nervousness started to shake Eiji. Ash.
Ash. His darling Ash. He was going to meet him for the first time in seven years.
The boy in his memories… now a man that Eiji wondered if he’d still recognize.
But even if the Ash of today was totally different to the Ash Eiji knew…
He hoped that they’d still be able to get along and laugh with each other again.
-----
About an hour and a half later, they left to eat breakfast at a nearby cafe. The only problem?
Nobody felt like eating. Nervousness and excitement was gnawing away at Eiji as he resigned himself to wait, a bit impatiently, for the meeting time.
Sing was slowly chewing on a piece of plain toast, Yut Lung was taking occasional sips of the tea he ordered, too nauseous to even eat, and even Bones was drumming his fingers against the table anxiously. Each of them were listening only to the ticks of the clock on the wall nearby.
But Eiji was the most nervous. He doesn't want to sit and eat breakfast and wait. He just wants to go see Ash, now, now, now.
But still, they wait at the cafe for an hour.
And still, they make it to the beach an hour early.
When they get there, Yut Lung sets up an umbrella and reclining beach chair in the first five minutes. He’s wearing designer sunglasses, a black shirt unbuttoned to show off the two identical scars on his chest, and swimming shorts, paired with bright ugly cheap plastic flip-flops.
“Sing dear, can you help me put sunscreen on? I can’t reach my back.”
Sing sighs in exasperation. He’s wearing black swim trunks and a thick layer of sunscreen. “Fine.”
Bones watches on in awkwardness. He’s wearing a white tank top, with the ugliest Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned over it, beige cargo shorts and leather sandals.
Sing was rubbing the sunscreen onto Yut Lung’s now bare shoulders, stopping to squirt some more on his palms and rubbing it in before going back to his back.
“Mmm… yes, honey, right there…”
“You’re so high maintenance.”
“You love it.”
“Damn right.”
“…I’ll just be over here,” Bones acknowledged awkwardly.
After they had all gotten settled, Yut Lung put something of Ash’s that Eiji had brought with him per Yut Lung’s instruction, right in front of Buddy to sniff. “Now find that blond bastard for us.”
Buddy nodded rapidly, smiling wide and panting, his tongue lolling out. “Woof!”
And then he ran off.
Once Buddy started running ahead, Eiji looked back at them as Yut got settled in the lounge chair and Sing went to do something else, before understanding and running after Buddy.
——-
By the time Eiji had started on his way, Buddy was nowhere to be seen
His heart sped up in fear as he worried that something bad happened to the dog.
Eiji ran, searching, looking for Buddy. He had had a few seconds of a head start, so he could have gotten far by now, Eiji thought.
When he did finally find Buddy, he saw the dog playing in the waves, barking happily.
Eiji let out a laugh that was a mix of relief and nervousness.
Eiji played with Buddy in the waves before Buddy sniffed the air and started running farther away, leaving Eiji no other option but to follow too.
——-
“-Sing dear, can you please get me a mimosa?”
“Where the fuck do you think they sell mimosas on this beach at 10:30 am?”
“Hey guys… um… should we follow them?” Bones pointed in the direction that Buddy and Eiji left in.
“What? Nah, this is a special moment. We should give them some privacy,” Yut Lung said, holding an aluminium screen to his face, sunglasses not giving away any hint of emotion his eyes might betray.
-----
10:45 AM
Almost regretfully and cautiously, he made it to the beach about fifteen minutes early.
Ash didn’t really know what their true intention was, and he was too scared to ask.
Did they want to talk to him? Kill him? After what happened with Lao, surely…
He glanced around. The beach wasn’t too crowded, but still.
He could hear the waves crash against the shore, the gulls flying overhead.
…It was peaceful.
Something he hadn’t tasted ever since his days with Griff, long ago, before he had come to live in Izumo.
After coming over to Japan all those years ago, he finally found the peace that he’d searched for for so long. …Even if it was a bit lonely.
But even this is more than he could ask for. To keep Eiji safe and to let him live a safe and normal life… It made even the loneliness of being alone worthwhile.
Eiji wasn’t supposed to waste his life for someone like Ash. He deserved to live a normal happy life, while Ash picked up the frayed pieces of his own tarnished one and figured out what a ‘peaceful’ life for him would be like.
It turns out, it was going to university as just another student, being forced to interact with people (though he did keep his distance. He wasn’t ready yet for a lot of connections. Plus, he wasn’t sure if it was something he wanted anyway. Not yet for a while at least.)
Doing homework at the local coffee shop, taking a walk, and then settling into his apartment for the night, reading in the quiet of his living room, the table light making the atmosphere cosy. Wrapped up in a blanket he almost felt protected from all the bad things… like when Eiji was there.
He knew thinking of Eiji was selfish, he deserved way more than this broken boy …man, that haunted Ash every time he looked in the bathroom mirror?
Ash knew that the best possible situation for Eiji was living out a happy and normal separate life, while Ash quietly and secretly, lived out the rest of his own, trying to heal from all that happened, fixing the remainder of his broken and stained life. Cutting away the ruined pages, so that one day he could finally be free.
Most pages of his life were torn or tattered, water stained, burned up, and completely ruined and unfixable beyond repair. But the pages that are yet to be written…
…Bring a sense of hope and a fresh start, and the possibility of an end, or at least a break from the life he’s lived so far.
Cherry blossoms litter the upcoming pages. Death of the old life, and the beginning of a new one.
Even this was more than he could have ever dreamed of…
…To have the chance to start over and have an attempt at a peaceful life and to heal from over a decade of trauma…
He was grateful… for all of it.
“-Woof! Woof!”
Suddenly a dog seemingly barked loudly from outside his vision. He didn’t jump at the sudden noise, thank you very much. And if he did, he’d never tell anyone.
What he did was turn quickly to see a dog bounding toward him.
He didn’t have enough time to react before the aforementioned dog leapt towards him, and he felt his back hit against the ground.
-----
“...Hey guys?”
“What is it now?”
“Look… maybe we should see the reunion? We can hide so they don’t see us.”
“That’s a terrible idea.”
“But a less boring one,” Yut Lung quickly got up from his lounge chair. “Fuck it, let’s go.”
-----
For the past few minutes, Eiji was trying to track Buddy down, with just the other’s barks.
For a while, Eiji couldn’t see him.
But then a hazy blond person sitting on the sand gradually came into his view, petting Buddy who barked happily, wagging his tail.
“...You’re a good dog, aren't you?”
The man pets Buddy and ruffles his fur, the latter letting out a happy and loud woof.
At a loss of what to say, Eiji said simply: “I’m sorry, Buddy ran away. I hope he didn’t bother you.”
“Oh, don’t worry, it's no problem.”
“He loves the beach and was probably excited to be-”
His eyes widened.
Eiji fell silent as finally noticed who he was talking to. Those emerald green eyes. The sparkle in them that only appeared when the two of them were together. That blond hair. That smile, now reaching his eyes a bit more.
…Ash?
But the man also looked more mature. More like a man than the boy he used to be.
He was still tall and thin but looked to have slightly more meat on his bones since Eiji knew him. He looked healthier.
…He looked more at peace. Even just a little bit.
“...Ash?”
The man has an expression of a kid getting caught with the cookie jar. He looked up slowly, seeing Eiji and recognizing him immediately.
“Ei… Eiji…?”
There was no way this wasn’t him.
Slowly and shakily, Ash stood up.
The air was silent as Eiji observed him with wide, grief-stricken eyes, as if he had seen a ghost.
Even though he had known they would reunite here.
He began to reach his hand out, faltering for a moment, before making contact, cradling Ash’s face in his hands, tears threatening to spill.
Those emerald eyes… the ghost of those smirks he used to wear…
“Oh my god. It is you. It’s really you.”
This was really him.
After a moment of stunned silence, Ash tries to make a break for it, but Eiji quickly grabs onto his wrist, holding him back.
“You are NOT leaving Mr Callenreese!”
Ash’s eyes widened as his head turned around to face Eiji. Almost like…
Almost like he hadn’t been expecting it.
“Why? You’re here… why did you spend so long hiding…?”
Ash hung his head in shame. He didn’t reply.
Eiji felt rotten for acting so angry. But if he let down his anger, he was afraid that he might burst into tears.
“You… you were supposed to forget about my existence and live a happy life. Why…?”
“You… you thought that my life would be better thinking you were dead? Is that it?” Eiji demanded. “Do you know how many nightmares I've had since you’ve left?! How many times I’ve seen you leave me?”
“You’ve had nightmares because of me…?” Ash’s bottom lip quivered.
Eiji folded his arms. “I‘ve had nightmares because of you disappearing, not because of you. Don’t cherry-pick my words.”
A few moments passed in silence. Buddy whined, pawing at Eiji’s legs, noticing that Eiji was upset. Eiji briefly bent down to scratch behind Buddy’s ears who let out a happy bark.
But then Ash muttered, taking a step back with his eyes cast downwards. As if he had just remembered that he shouldn’t get too close. “Eiji… I didn’t expect you to have this kind of reaction. It doesn’t make sense… You should have forgotten about me.”
“What are you even saying, how could I forget about you?! How could I forget the person I spent 2 years laughing and crying with… the person whose absence hurts more than anything in the world,” he ended in a whisper.
Ash stood there frozen in shock, his eyes wide, before shaking himself out of it. “Aren’t you happy with Sing? It’s been seven years, you don’t have to act as if…”
“As if? As if what?” Eiji frowned. “And what do you mean, am I happy with Sing?”
“I… I saw your pictures in the art gallery. The one of you and Sing with your dog, in front of a house. He’s kind, isn’t he? A much better person to stand by your side than me.”
“Wait, wait,” Eiji paused. “Yut told me that you were afraid your presence would ruin my life? Did…” the hint of a grim smile played on Eiji’s lips. “Did you think Sing and I were married or something?”
“Wha-,” Ash rapidly lifted his head up to look at Eiji, shocked. “You’re -you’re not? But- the wedding ring-”
“Sing’s married to Yut Lung. They tied the knot about three years ago.”
Suddenly, everything became clear.
“Ah. I understand now…” Ash muttered under his breath. “That must have been why Bones sounded confused on the day I bailed and went back to Japan… wait- Yut Lung?!”
“He’s not that bad of a person once you get to know him. He’s trying to do better,” Eiji said.
“…Oh.”
A few moments pass.
But Eiji saw Ash look into the distance, as the blond began to grit his teeth. “...Bones.”
“...Bones?” Eiji looked behind him in surprise as they quickly reluctantly parted.
“Hey!” Yut Lung butt in. “Don’t credit him for my ideas!”
“You…” Ash’s voice shook with rising anger. He counted the heads of everyone present. Bones. Sing. Yut Lung. Then a realization dawned on him. “...You told them?”
“Sorry boss, but I couldn’t stand by as you were doing something this stupid.”
Ash gave Bones a scathing glare.
Sing patted his knees for Buddy to come to him, the dog bounding to him happily.
“Two attempts to get you two to reunite, finally successful. You’re welcome,” Yut smacked his hands together in a dusting motion as if to get the previous mission off of his hands.
A relieved and grateful smile full of emotions crossed Eiji’s face. “Thank you.”
Then he turned back to Ash. “And you,” he dragged Ash away from the others, by the ear, the other wincing slightly.
“…I’m in trouble, aren’t I?”
Then when they were far enough away, Eiji abruptly stopped walking and the next thing Ash knew was that his face was stinging from the force of Eiji’s slap.
“How could you! Why did you let me, let all of us, believe that you were dead?! Why did you hide from us?” Eiji’s voice rose until it cracked. “Why didn’t you tell me? I- I,” he hiccuped. “I truly thought that you had died. Mourning you for years while my life became an empty husk!- and after all of that, you're ALIVE?!” Eiji seethed.
Ash winced. He was indeed in trouble. And now he was beginning to find out how much he had fucked up. He knew for a while that playing dead was a fuck up, but until now he hadn’t known how bad that fuck up was.
Eiji felt rotten for being angry at the love of his life, but he had way too many questions and way too many broken shards of his heart that were left unmended.
“I mean- I’m really glad you're alive, but… Do you know how much I’ve missed you? How much your absence affected my life?!” Eiji continued ranting. “How it felt to be told that you’re best friend had died!? “How many nights I spent awake imagining what you felt in your final moments? Hoping that they weren’t spent much in more pain?”
“My- my life ended the day that Ibe-san had told me you had died! Did…” he choked out. “I thought and wondered if you hated me that much, that you’d rather die than come back to Japan with me.”
“Oh, Eiji,” Ash breathed out, tears threatening to leak from his eyes too. “I could never hate you. Ever. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I didn’t think that you and everyone else would care- especially when all I brought you was violence and danger.”
A moment passed.
“I know now,” Eiji mumbled, rubbing a fist over his eyes to dry them. “ Bones sent along a postcard and letter you had written for me all those years ago…”
“Ah. Yeah. He did that, didn’t he? Wait- you said he also sent a letter?”
“Yeah. Supposedly it was found on you after your death and given to Bones.”
For some reason, Ash’s face turned white as a sheet and he was silent for a few moments.
“…So… you um… drew a heart at the bottom of the page…”
Ash gulped, heat rising to his cheeks. “…Perhaps. Maybe”.
Eiji gave him a small smile. “Ash… look at me?”
Ash looked helplessly into those eyes…
Only for his cheek to get slapped again.
“That one is for being mean to yourself and calling yourself those things in the letter. Stop being mean to the person who means so much to me.”
This one was lighter and more gentle, and Ash knew that Eiji was trying not to hurt him, and just to call Ash out on his obvious self-hatred.
That stunned Ash into silence for a bit. “Do I really mean that much to you? After I put you in so much danger, and even though I’m rotten… murderer?”
“God just shut up, shut up! You’re not rotten. And you were doing your best to survive in a situation that was life or death. You didn’t really have much of a choice, did you?”
“No, for some of them, there was a choice. I executed so many people…” He continued after a moment. “I just wanted to protect your life the best I could. Someone as… broken and evil, dirty and stained isn’t meant to be loved… especially by someone good like you.”
“Ash, listen to me,” Eiji took Ash’s hands into his own. “You’re not evil or dirty or stained! You’re brave… so incredibly brave… You’ve been through so much pain in your life, more than I’ll probably ever know. You’re smart, a bit cocky maybe, but you’re a brilliant light in everyone’s life. You’re important to all of us. Max, Sing, …and me. 100%.”
Ash just stared at Eiji, his face slowly crumbling into a mess of emotions.
“I didn’t think- didn’t… I never thought that you or anyone else would have such a strong reaction to my death. I thought it would be all too easy for you to move on, but-,” Ash’s emerald eyes were shining with unshed tears. “ Instead my passing made everything so much harder and painful for you. And it seems for everyone else too,” Ash hid his face behind his hands. “God, I'm so sorry, Eiji. I’m so fucking sorry. What I did is so shitty, and you were left alone for years on end while I hid and cowered away like a monster. You definitely deserve to be angry. ”
“Shh. It’s okay. It’s alright. I can’t stay angry at you. Not here where we’re finally together again.
“I’m sorry,” Eiji’s eyes filled with tears. “Can I hug you?”
A smile crept across his face as tears fell, and a nearly identical smile bloomed on Ash’s face.
Eiji broke down in sobs, and Ash opened his arms to let him in, Eiji wrapping his arms tightly around Ash, burying his face into his shirt. Eiji could feel Ash’s loud heartbeat beating in his chest.
He was warm. He was alive.
“D-Don’t leave again! You’re not allowed to leave again; do you hear me?” the words were muffled into Ash’s shirt. Eiji hoped that Ash understood them all the same.
“-E-Eiji…” After hesitating for a moment, Ash’s hands lightly came up to ever so gently and softly hug Eiji back.
“You… You were so mean. So unfair,” Eiji murmured. “You made all of us believe that you had died that day.”
“I’m here now.”
“H-how… how did you survive…?” Eiji let out in a broken voice.
“...Do you really want me to stay?” And Ash’s voice was so soft.
“I never want to let you go ever again!” Eiji blurted out, hugging Ash tighter. “Please stay by my side. Don’t… don’t leave me behind again. ...please?”
Ash took a breath. “Okay. Okay. Oh God, I really missed you too Eiji,” his eyes welled with tears.
Then they melted tighter into an embrace, feeling the grainy sand underneath meet their knees as they sobbed into each other’s arms.
And then, Eiji pulled back a little bit, just enough to cup Ash’s face in his hands.
“Oh, Ash, my Ash,” Eiji’s hands touched the warmth of Ash’s face while inspecting him as if there was a chance that this was just a dream.
He felt like if he let go for even a second, the other would crumble into dust. “You’re here.” He let out a joyous chuckle as if the pain of the last few years had been brushed away by the sea breeze of this moment. “You’re really here.”
“I’m here. And I’m not leaving again.”
After a while of hugging, Eiji guided him up the hill of sand to an empty bench against the weeds that separated the sand from the road.
“-H-How did you survive? They said that you had bled out in the library. I saw the letter you had written, I saw them bury you deep into the ground.”
“…I was found. Someone took me to the hospital after I had lost consciousness. When I got better I realized that there were things I still had to do, loose ends to tie up. And you were in Japan… Safe. Back at home. I would have only brought you more pain, danger, and despair. Or so that’s what I thought.”
“…I think I understand. But Ash,” Eiji looked at him with tears welling up in his eyes. “You brought us way more than pain and danger. So much more.”
“...I did?” was the only whisper that left Ash’s mouth.
Eiji then sighed. “I wish you had been there with me when I left back for Japan. I wish that we could have reunited sooner. Much sooner. As soon as they told me you were alive I wanted to go to you.”
“Me too,” Ash’s voice was soft. “I was on my way to the airport when he stabbed me.”
“Why- why didn’t you call or send a letter back then? L- Let me know?”
“... I was worried that if I did that something terrible would happen to you. That someone I pissed off would find you and hurt you to get to me.”
Ash took a shuddering breath before continuing. “You were back home in Japan, safe… If the only way to keep you safe and your life normal was to disappear… even if it never stopped paining me and always making me think about you, I would do it. And back then… I did it. Kept telling myself that this was the best option… that I didn’t want to put you in danger and ruin your life again. And I didn’t deserve to be in the presence of an angel like you, either.”
“Me… an angel?” Eiji chuckled humorously.
“What else?” Ash suddenly looked up at Eiji, a shimmer of hope dancing in his eyes. “You’re a bright, sparkling angel of kindness and hope. A light in the dark. A sun-,”
“- Woah, you're getting a bit cheesy there.” Eiji laughed. He still didn’t know why Americans used such a silly word for dorky cliche sentimentality. He had been very confused when he had first heard it. ‘Cheese… like on pizza…?’
“I can get cheesy… when it comes to you,” and for a moment, Eiji’s breath was stolen. Eiji noticed a light pink blush on Ash’s face for a moment. Eiji’s lip contorted into a grin for a second, before managing to calm his heart down and stop it from dancing too much.
Then as the back of their hands brushed together, Eiji reached his hand to brush against Ash’s fingers in a question, the other intertwining their hands together.
It was something Eiji once thought that he would never experience again.
Eiji gave him an empathetic smile, softly squeezing his hand. “I understand. All of it. That doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you though.”
Ash smiled back. “I… I really missed you too.”
A few moments of comfortable silence later, Ash got up from the bench, offering his hand for Eiji to take it. “Come on. Let’s walk along the shore. Together.”
“Yeah,” Eiji replied. “I’d like that.”
——-
A BIT LATER:
Eiji toes the sand, as they both walk along the shore, with refreshingly cold water overlapping his bare feet.
Ash gave him a gentle smile. “I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened. Despite not wanting to ruin your life… I’m glad I got to meet you again.”
“Me too.”
Ash then looked up at Eiji, having an idea. “Is there a way I can make it up to you? I’ll even eat your stinky natto.”
“Will you?” Eiji teased.
Ash’s expression seemed to crumble for a moment. “I’ll take a bite of your stinky natto.”
Eiji laughed at that. “You can make it up to me by staying by my side as long as you want to, and not faking your death like that again.”
“Okay then. I made sure nothing could follow me from America so there’s nothing to fight against anymore.”
Eiji smiled. “That’s the kind of life I wanted you to be able to have.”
“So… how is your life right now? Do you have anyone?”
Eiji shook his head. “When you left, Ash… you took my heart with you.”
Ash froze in his step, causing Eiji to walk ahead before realizing the other had stopped and looked back at him.
Ash’s mouth hung open for a few silent seconds with wide eyes before he teared up. “Wait, wait, one second, I took your heart with me?”
Eiji smiled back at him, a little bit sadly now with how much time that has passed. “Do you remember the letter I wrote to you back then? The final line…?”
Silently, Ash walked slowly up to Eiji, until they were a mere 10 cm apart. Eiji was mesmerized. He couldn’t look away. He didn’t want to look away.
Ash’s lips curled up into a playful smirk. “Hm… I’m not sure if I remember. Will you tell me again?”
“My soul is always with you.”
“Eiji…” Ash breathed. His hand found both of Eiji’s hands again, intertwining easily together, as he smiled. “Your soul has always been with me. Even throughout all the time we were apart. I want my soul to be always with you too. Carry it when you go back to America, okay?”
Eiji smiled softly, as they both leaned closer together. “I will.”
The air that they breathed out was combined, tickling Eiji's nose in a way he didn’t want to end. Eiji slowly and gently reached his hand up to Ash’s cheek, faltering and hovering near, until Ash took Eiji’s warm hand and softly guided it to rest on his cheek. Ash’s lips upturned in a calm and reassuring smile. He noticed then how big the irises in Ash’s eyes were. Gazing at Eiji with a strong emotion, as if he were the answer to the universe itself.
“Ash… can I… kiss you?” Eiji mumbled out. As he asked this, heat radiated from his own cheeks and his eyes shyly moved away, not being able to look into his eyes with the intensity and nervousness of the moment.
Ash chuckled. “Yes. Please. Absolutely.”
Then Eiji saw Ash’s emerald green eyes flutter closed as his own flutter closed too.
Eiji couldn’t help but grin against Ash’s lips.
“I love you,” he breathed when they finally parted, pressing their foreheads together as neither wanted to part completely.
“I love you too. God, I've been wanting to say that to you for so long…”
“Me too…” Eiji murmured.
-----
They were walking by the shore in the late afternoon sun, holding each other’s hand tightly, simply enjoying each other’s company and catching up on all the time they had lost.
“So…” Eiji murmured, leaning into Ash's shoulder. “How are we going to work this out since we both have our lives now?”
“Do you want to maybe… try living together again? We can buy a new apartment, like the one in New York. But better.”
Eiji smiled. “I would love to. But I’d have to sell my house and sort out moving. And what about you? You're used to your own apartment now, right? Do you even have time to deal with moving out with all of your university stuff?”
“I can deal with it if you're by my side,” Ash replied with a lighthearted smirk. “With you, I feel like I can do anything.”
Eiji smiled, as he laughed softly. “I’m glad. I won’t force you to come back to America with me though.”
“But… What if I want to come back to America with you? I mean… I want to see what your place is like. What your life is like now. And with you, the bad memories will fade away a bit. And… I should maybe contact Max too,” Ash added, his tone full of guilt.
“Hm… Well, in that case, I'm certainly not going to stop you. I’d like to show you my place too,” Eiji added. “We won’t need to go on a crazy road trip to California this time. I can contact him and he’ll fly over here. You won’t even have to leave the house if… you won’t feel ready to,” Eiji ended sheepishly. “Going to New York again is a big proposition… and not something that you should feel obliged or forced to do.”
“Eiji… I love how thoughtful you are. Thank you,” he smiled at Eiji so fondly, that it made Eiji feel a little bit lightheaded. But Ash just kept smiling, and left an affectionate kiss on Eiji’s forehead. “...Thank you for always being there for me back then. And now too.”
“And um…” Ash began again, cheeks tinted pink. “If you ever need help with… packing or anything, you can let me know and I'll be there to help you. If it’s mostly to help you pack up your house and be there while you settle your affairs then… going to America might be okay.”
“Thank you,” Eiji smiled gratefully. “But under one condition.”
Ash cocked his head to the side playfully with a smirk. “What is it? I’ll have to eat your stinky natto for a month…?”
“Take care of your mental health if you do come back to America, okay?” Eiji wagged his finger at Ash. “Don’t try to bear it for me if you start slipping back into a dark place. I… I don’t want to bring you back to that time and pain if I can help it. Japan seems to have healed you a bit. You truly deserve the happy and peaceful new life you're building for yourself, Ash. You never deserved any of what happened back then.”
Eiji realized that it was a bad thing to say as soon as it left his mouth. “Don’t mentally go back, I’m sorry for mentioning it-”
“It’s okay. I get what you’re saying,” the corner of Ash’s lips upturned. He was still amazed how Eiji could worry and care for him too, and as his heart was touched by his words, tears welled secretly in his eyes. “My therapist told me that healing happens slowly. That it might take a few years.”
“…In honesty, I’m surprised that you're even entertaining the idea of going back. Even just for a trip. Because if I was in your shoes…” Eiji took a deep breath before continuing. “I'd never want to step foot on American soil again. But this just shows how much courage you have. I’m proud of you.”
“You give me more courage than I could ever have by myself. If it weren’t for Bones, I probably would have never mustered the courage to go back to New York in the first place.”
They walked in comfortable silence for a bit.
“Let’s… let’s keep in contact,” Ash offered.
Eiji smiled. “I’d like that.”
“Are you staying in a hotel?”
“Mm. Yut booked one for us.”
“...How long do you think you’ll be staying?”
Eiji looked up to the clouds thoughtfully. “...I don’t really know. It’s never really been brought up. Should we walk back to where we left our friends and see…?” Eiji turned to look at Ash then, offering his hand to the other, the question he posed hanging in the air.
“Um… Yeah. Sure,” Ash awkwardly took Eiji’s hand.
“...Don’t let go?”
“Never,” Ash squeezed Eiji’s hand gently within his own.
But as they both began to make their way back, it gradually became increasingly obvious that they were the only ones on the beach.
Fear pricked Ash's skin. Did they walk too far…?
Or maybe Bones and the rest of them had left the beach earlier…? Why?
“...Huh. They don't seem to be here.”
“Where do you think they could have gone?”
“Let’s first check the hotel.”
After slipping both of their shoes back on, Eiji led him back to the hotel as quickly as they could. He winced as the grains of sand stuck to his feet and shifted against his shoes as he walked.
“They might be there if they’re not on the beach.”
They dash into the hotel in record time, and Eiji asks the man at the front desk if they have seen his friends come back.
He gave an affirmative answer, and soon they were right outside the door. Eiji paused beside him before knocking once. And then once more.
Suddenly the door flew open. “E-Eiji! We weren’t expecting you here so soon!”
“Well, we noticed that you all had left the beach and we needed to ask you something,” Eiji smiled kindly, but his words were ever straight to the point.
“O-of course! Come in!” Bones then stood aside to let both of them into the room.
“W…” Eiji started but frowned as he noticed all the mess in the room, everyone seeming to be packing up. “Are we going back this soon?”
“Correction. We’re going back this soon, you get to stay here,” Yut Lung answered from somewhere in the room, checking his suitcase. “And buddy too of course, " he added as an afterthought.
“W-what?” Eiji sputtered in shock. “But what about the house? My taxes? Photography equipment? The water bill?”
“Chill out,” Sing smiled, actually looking up at Eiji, unlike Yut who was busy with his suitcase. “We’ll take care of your house and bills while you’re here. Just rest up and enjoy this vacation.”
“We thought that since you’ve been apart for 7 years, it would be unfair to bring you back to America right now. But we’ve got other things to do and take care of,” Bones added as well. Then he gave the two a smile. “Enjoy your time here together. We’ll take care of everything else.”
“...Is there a time frame for how long I stay here…?"
“That is entirely up to you. You can come back to America any time you want to.”
“And if you need something from your house, just call us and we’ll bring it over.”
Eiji acted exasperated by them, but a smile played on his lips. They had brought him back to Ash. The love of his life.
The one he refused to ever forget.
Their eyes locked, and Eiji smiled at him. “Well, I guess we have an answer!”
“...Yeah…” Ash murmured. Their hands found each other, entwining naturally. “You know…” he began, green eyes glancing to the side in shyness. “If you want, you could stay with me,” he offered.
“I would like that,” Eiji grinned back at him.
And so, after saying goodbye to Yut, Bones, and Sing at the airport, Eiji wheeled his suitcase over to Ash’s as the two talked and laughed lightheartedly as if the time that had passed with the two apart was nonexistent.