Chapter Text
When Castiel had his grace stolen by Metatron and first became human in 2013, he had no choice but to adapt to all the new emotions and problems that came with being mortal. He luckily didn’t need to withstand it for long, since he, of course, gained his grace back.
However, when the Croats took over and Castiel began slowly losing his grace over time, it felt like torture. He once again had no choice but to adapt to it. It was worse this time and he knew it’d be permanent this time around. The world had changed, humanity which Castiel had come to love and respect so much, was no longer the same. The human who had taught him how to love humanity and feel emotions- had changed.
Dean justifiably turned into a different person or a shell of his old self once Sammy had said yes to Lucifer. He would look in the mirror and wouldn’t recognize the person staring back at him. “Team free will” now consisted of only him and the drug-addicted ex-angel.
They were both drowning, but there was an understanding that they were both drowning together. Even if they didn’t know how to help one another.
Castiel was currently in his cabin, lying on his mattress and slouching against the wall since he didn’t have a headboard. He’d been nodding off the entire morning, not even remembering the exact mixture of substances he decided to take. He ran shaky hands over his face and exhaled slowly, his mind foggy. He looked down at his wristwatch, not even sure if the time was accurate anymore. He felt his stomach growl, unable to recall the last time he ate.
He started to nod off again but was startled awake when he heard a knock on the outside of his cabin. He didn’t have a door, since he replaced them with beads. People resorted to knocking on the cabin itself when requesting entry to the ex-angel's cabin. Castiel may have been high and fucked up, but he instantly recognized the knock as Dean.
Cas cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes, attempting to seem more sober than he was before he called out. “Come in, Dean,” he says, cringing at the sound of his own cracked, exhausted voice.
Blue eyes met Green as the elder and only remaining Winchester entered the cabin. Dean instantly scanned his eyes over his “friend”, taking in his appearance with an expressionless face. He didn’t even bother greeting Castiel, walking up to his bed and holding out a bag of chips in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.
“I found those cheese puffs you like, Cas. I haven’t seen you eaten in days” Dean tells Cas, a hint of concern laced in his voice. It made Castiel feel.. good. He would constantly tell Dean not to worry about him, but a part of him always felt special and wanted when Dean would get worried. It reminded Cas of 2009 Dean. The Dean he first fell in love with all those years ago. Just as Dean didn’t recognize his reflection in the mirror- Castiel could barely recognize Dean anymore either when looking at him.
Cas snapped out of his thoughts and looked back up into green eyes, realizing he had probably dozed off again- right in front of Dean. “I.. thank you, Dean” he eventually says, reaching out and accepting the food and water. “You should stay and share it with me.. please?” Cas asks reluctantly, surprised when Dean unexpectedly agrees.
Dean crawled into bed next to Castiel after ridding himself of his shoes, sitting directly next to Cas with barely any space between them. Their feet ended up tangled together, shoulders brushed up against each other and hands occasionally touching when they’d both reach for chips at the same time.
Their relationship had grown more complicated since the apocalypse. Castiel always knew he wanted Dean and nobody else, he loved him more than anything. He used to love everything /because/ of him, but it wasn’t mutual. Dean loved Castiel, but he didn’t know how to love him properly, which caused strain and awkwardness in their friendship.
Once they finished sharing the cheesy snack, they just stared into each other's eyes for a while. Neither of them had to say anything. Castiel felt his breath hitch whenever he felt Dean's fingers brush against his own, linking them together and holding his hand. “Dean..” Castiel muttered, voice deep and low which made a shiver go down Dean's spine.
Dean brought Castiel’s fingers to his mouth, sucking his cheese-stained fingers clean from where they were eating chips. He cleaned them one by one, keeping eye contact as he did. Dean then pulled away to look into Castiel’s eyes again, having a whole conversation through eye contact. They leaned forward in sync, desperately crashing their lips together. It was sloppy and needy, kissing each other as if their life depended on it.
Again, they were both drowning, but there was an understanding that they were both drowning together. Even if they couldn’t save each other.. each time they kissed, it felt like they didn’t need to be saved at all. Each other is all that they felt they needed whenever they would share these short moments of heated passion together. They were each other's saviors in those temporary moments. Temporary, it was always temporary.
Dean submitted himself to Castiel, allowing himself to be manhandled and controlled. Rough sex with Castiel was Dean's “drug” of choice, I guess they were both addicts in their own way. They climaxed together, moaning and grunting out praises towards each other while they exchanged open-mouthed kisses.
Dean didn’t stick around long after that, falling silent and putting his clothes back on before leaving. It was all too familiar for Cas, but never failed to leave him hurt and feeling used. Every time. He blinked back tears, slipping his boxers back on and then reaching for his pill bottle. This was the only way Castiel could escape reality and the pain that their fearless leader, Dean Winchester gave him.