Chapter Text
Matt didn’t understand why he was like this. When did he become like this? When had the negative thoughts in his head taken over? Did he ever actually want to be happy again? He always tried to look on the bright side, but it never worked for him. Not really. To his friends, he was a ditzy, vain airhead. If airhead is the right word? He wasn’t sure if dudes could be called airheads. He wasn’t sure about a lot of things regarding manhood, to be honest. Especially when Tom said stuff about getting your hair wet and playing ball. It made him question what he knew about himself. Why were men so weird? Wasn’t there any middle ground between feminine and masculine.. would it have been easier if he had stayed a woman?
All he wanted was for everyone to stop looking at him funny all the time. Was that too much to ask? Maybe it would help if he went outside more often. He never left his room anymore. The TV was his entire life. It kept him company, as if it knew he needed a friend or something. He hated it. This was not who he was. He used to love going out. Spending time with people. Laughing. He loved laughing. But now… now, everything hurt. Nothing felt good anymore. Everything felt… wrong.
"I wonder how bad I'll feel tomorrow?" He thought, looking around his room. His bed was unmade, dirty clothes littered the floor, papers everywhere. Matt sighed.
The only thing he had was his appearance . The only thing he could use to prove he was a real person. He wasn't perfect. But no one else seemed to mind that. As long as he looked cute enough, they didn't care. They'd laugh with him and they'd smile at him. They'd invite him to parties and bars. And that was it. That's all he was good for. Being pretty. Being popular. Looking the way he looked. It didn't matter if he couldn't do anything else. They wouldn't see him as more than a decoration anyway. So why should he even bother trying?
"Why can't I go back to being myself?" He whispered to himself, sitting on his bed, sobbing into his pillow. How could everything change so suddenly? He used to love the attention. He used to love the party scene. And now he was just stuck in his room alone all day. What had happened to him? Why was he different? Where had all his happiness gone? It seemed to get farther away every second.
He was starting to understand why Tom is always drunk, and why Tord was always high. The lot of them were absolutely miserable and trapped in their own little worlds. There was nothing worse than feeling trapped. You were stuck where you are, but at least there was some hope. But when it's hopeless, what does one do?
His phone buzzed in his pocket.
Edd had responded to the ramblings he put his heart into with a vaguely confused response. Edd didn’t particularly understand the plight he was going through anyways. Edd had always been a happy and well adjusted guy, which is why Matt was drawn to him in the first place. But in this moment, he wished Edd was as miserable as he was because all he craved was someone who could empathize, not just sympathize, with what he felt.
He dropped the phone on his lap and began texting another rant to Edd. Hoping typing it out would take the edge off. Writing about how miserable he was taking it all out on a screen instead of actually just fucking talking about made Matt feel like less of an attention whore.
The rant did not take any edge off, and worked Matt up more because now he had to worry what Edd would think of him.
He turned off his phone and sighed. Matt laid in bed staring at the ceiling until sleep eventually came.