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Nicole hazily woke up way too late into the day, the sun was already out, her alarm had gone off several times. She could barely remember how many times she pressed the snooze button, four, five, no- likely seven times at that point. Rolling out of bed she fell down to the ground with a soft thud, landing on all of her scattered clothes and scribbled over school papers. “Ughhh…” with an exasperated sigh she reached up to her bed to grab her phone. Shit- of course it’s May 11th, fucking mothers day.
It wasn’t like she forgot about Mother’s day she just- blissfully ignored it the entire month and tuned out any mention of it. The only time she acknowledged it was to tell her brother to get a job- as if that would make their mom happy. Nothing did, other than vicodin and hooking up with the principal. Unfortunately, she couldn’t compete with either of those two, not that she entirely wanted to but it’d save her from the shitshow that was going to be today.
Mother’s day was supposed to be if you’re thankful for your mom, right? Some bullshit like ‘oh I’m so glad to be born, thanks for a fucking roof over my head’. Her mom could barely even do that! She threatened to kick her out of the house half the time and when she wasn’t doing that, she was berating her physically or mentally. Last Mother’s day Nicole made a snarky card thanking her mom for not having more kids that she’d severely fuck up- that ended with Nicole being on the receiving end of a strangling, the one time she almost died to someone that wasn’t a man.
New mother’s day, new scars across her wrists, it was the only thing that kept her somewhat afloat. The sight of blood dripping from her wrists, the adrenaline that coursed through her veins when she slashed the knife across her skin like butter; It helped her handle the emotions coursing through her mind, allowing them to be free through the blood spilling from her wrists rather than tears leaving her eyes. Tears showed vulnerability, a fragility that Nicole could barely even process the idea of expressing; last time she cried was when she stormed off to go live with her dad. Everyone knows how that turned out.
Several missed calls and text messages from her mom flooded her notifications. Far too sober to even look at them, she grabbed the guitar that laid up against her wall by the closet. Shaking the guitar, a few xanax fell out of the soundhole and onto the carpeted floor. It wasn’t the best hiding spot but after how neurotic her mom had started to become, it was better to have backup spots to stuff drugs. Dry swallowing a couple xanax, she went back to her phone, looking over the text messages.
Good morning Nicole, do you know what today is?
Hello?
Nicole. Answer the phone.
Noah answer the fucking phone.
And Nicole needed another xanax. It hadn’t been that long since she heard that name but it still fucked her up more than she ever wanted to admit to anyone. Her mom had been fairly accepting of her transitioning- for the most part anyways. She always wanted a daughter in the first place, but when Nicole was that daughter it became an issue. It was ‘against the bible’, as if God was keeping tabs on queer teenagers in his spare time- beating your kids and allowing a pedo to live under your roof is also against God's holy text but her mom must’ve missed that section. It was ironic the name Nicole happened to start with the same letter as her deadname, Nicole just felt right to her, it had for a while long before she ever came out. Somehow her mom was willing to get her top surgery but not bottom surgery, you know, ‘just in case’ was her wording.
Ignoring the messages from her mom, she found another text from a familiar number. Nicole tried doing this thing where she didn’t make contacts for people so she could memorize their number; in case she ever got kicked out and needed to make a call from those phones in the mall. That was too much effort, she gave up doing it after about a week. If she got her ass expelled from home no one would answer her calls anyways, except for maybe her.
Jecka had been her friend since the first day of high school, a friendship born from being the only two hot people in their lunch period. Jecka didn’t seem like someone she’d genuinely have a friendship with, she dressed like the same preppy stupid bitches from her old school. Surprisingly Jecka wasn’t that, hooked on cigarettes, somehow in AP history, skipping classes, shoplifting, and blasting MSI on her IPod til the battery ran out. Nicole wouldn’t tell her but she’d get shot again if it meant seeing the smile on Jecka’s face when they listened to their stolen CD together. Fuck- that’s gay, isn’t it?
Based on the text messages she received, Jecka was not smiling right now. Nicole started to skim over them until her thought process was interrupted by a knock on the door. Ignoring it and going back to reading her crush- friend- girlfriend- no- friend’s messages- she was once again interrupted by a more rapid and aggressive knock on the door. Well shit, she couldn’t exactly hide, she’d have to come back eventually and her mom wouldn’t drop the conversation. Trauma only gets swept under the rug when the abuser has the broom, otherwise it stays right out in the open to be reused time and time again. Nicole stuffed her phone in her pocket, hastily brushing out her hair and making a sprint towards the door.
Jecka wasn’t the type to give into her vices, that’s what she told herself anyways. She smoked when she wanted to, not when someone drove her to do so when she was close to snapping. Disciplinary tattoos seemed less like a threat and more like a promise as the days went on at home. Her dad never did shit when her mom yelled at her and held her up against the wall til she told her why she was skipping classes. It wasn’t often it happened but when it did Jecka always drove off to go smoke in her car and listen to MSI for a few hours. Everything she cared about went in the car, if it was in the house it was under her mom’s roof it meant she could take it for herself whenever she wanted. Jecka learned that the hard way after getting her diary read through in front of her back in middle school.
Not her proudest moment when her mom learned she liked girls and she had to distance herself from Karen drastically. She even had to start wearing contacts so that they wouldn’t have anything in common with one another. It hurt like a bitch watching her mom tear apart all the photos they had taken together as friends, shouting at her and screaming to the point where the neighbors could hear if they cared enough to pay attention. All her dad said to comfort her was that at least her mom was helping ‘catch it while she was young’ or she would’ve been sent to gay conversion therapy. All her photos with Nicole now stayed in the compartments in her car, something for Jecka to look at whenever she was handling her problems with nicotine.
Mother’s day always sucked, finger paintings as a toddler only sufficed for so long. High school didn’t give you a free opportunity to throw something together for Mother’s day and make it look like you cared. Jecka just opted to get nothing this year, save herself the money and the agony of either her mother’s disappointment or anger. Somehow, that only made things worse when her mom threatened the disciplinary tattoo’s to say Mommy’s Girl across her knuckles- she just wanted to vomit at the idea of that. Smoking was hotter than vomiting though, and it was easier to do outside of the house.
Since being outed at home, Jecka tried not to acknowledge her homosexual feelings. Sure, she kissed her friends on the cheek but that’s just what girls do. Girls just share beds with each other, share their deepest secrets and occasionally kiss. Her car was littered with crumbled up Wendy’s napkins she had written confessions and promptly discarded. Nicole was her best friend, if she fucked that up then what would she do with herself? Losing another friend because she just had to catch feelings, the idea scared her and prompted her to light another cigarette.
Jecka rummaged through one of the car compartments, tossing out random school papers she had left inside. She pulled out the Flaming Lips CD that sat next to the MSI shirt Nicole stole for her as an apology for not answering her texts. It was one of the rare sweet things Nicole did that reminded Jecka that maybe there was a heart somewhere there. A heart that Jecka could only wish belonged to her. Jecka took another puff from her cigarette, blowing the smoke out the window with a sigh. She repositied herself to hold the cigarette between her two fingers, holding it out the window and texting Nicole with her free hand.
Hey
Today fucking sucks- hope its not too shitty for u. I know ur moms a bitch
I’m in my car if u wanna do smth
I miss u
Be safe please
Nicole made her way to the door after about the third consecutive knock, swinging it open for her mom to push past her and enter the house. She threw her bag down on the living room couch, turning around to face Nicole. “What were you doing!?”
“Mulling over ways to kill myself.”
“You use that excuse almost daily!”
“I wanna kill myself daily, what’s your point?”
“My point is you shouldn’t be ignoring your mother, especially not on Mother’s day. You can’t pull the depression card out every single time you don’t like something.”
“You can’t get a new husband every time he disagrees with your abuse but you do that anyway.”
“Noah-
“Oh and deadnaming your child, awesome, the government made mothers day specifically for moms like you that couldn't give two shits about their kids except for public appearances.”
Her mom’s facial expression immediately twisted- shit- the way her eyebrows narrowed, the plastered smile slowly leaving her face, and her gaze almost piercing through her. It wasn’t exactly as terrifying as it was the first few times Nicole saw it, she usually can’t remember much of what happens after her mom looks at her like that.
“Is that how you talk to your mother?”
“Can you even call yourself that?” Nicole retorted far quicker than she could consider the consequences. Immediate pressure was applied on both sides of her neck, the hands of her mother wrapping around, long acrylics digging into her skin.
“Fuck okay- happy mothers day..” The words left her mouth like venom, feeling her mom’s grip slowly loosen around her neck.
Her mom smiled, the sickening phony grin she always gave whenever she won a dispute between them. She returned her arms back to her sides, going off to the kitchen to grab her pills from the drawer. Nicole could breathe again, rubbing the side of her neck to feel for any blood before walking back to her room to answer Jecka’s messages. Nicole’s steps were soft and subtle, not wanting her mom to be aware of the panic in her movements. She grabbed her phone off the bed, rereading the messages over and over.
‘Stay safe’. The first time Jecka ever directly acknowledged Nicole’s ever declining mental health in a way that wasn’t masked by satire. The two always snapped back at one another in regards to their problems, making jabs to laugh it off rather than recognize how damaged both of them were. Nicole hastily threw some of her belongings in her bag, a few xanax, pack of cigarettes, the usual things she carried. She threw the backpack over her shoulder, opening the window in her room. One of the main perks of being a skinny white girl was being able to climb through windows and get out of the house without a sound. Would it come to bite her in the ass when she had to return home? Yeah. Did Nicole care? Nope! Not at the moment. The only thing on her mind was Jecka, her morbid curiosity on what overcame the blonde to make her send something as sappy and direct as that.
“Nicole, what the FUCK!?” The last thing Jecka was expecting was to see Nicole sitting next to her in the car. Nicole gave a nonchalant shrug, leaning back in the passenger seat.
“Good to see you too, bitch” a small smirk spread across Nicole’s face as she rummaged through her backpack.
“Not that- how did you get in?”
“Your car was unlocked, you fell asleep holding a cigarette. You’re lucky you didn’t burn your face off.” Nicole retorted, pulling her own pack of cigarettes out. “You’re not gonna pass the lighter?”
Jecka blinked a few times, staring blankly at the dark haired girl next to her. It was like Nicole to do this kinda thing, that wasn’t what surprised her. It was how casual Nicole seemed, despite having clear red marks around her neck and bags under her eyes; Nicole was still acting as though it was just another day the two of them were hanging out. The blond looked back out the window, noticing the cigarette between her fingers was damp.
“Surprised you didn’t let it burn my face” Jecka rolled her eyes, pulling her lighter out of her pocket and lighting Nicole’s roll of nicotine.
“I would have if I knew you’d bitch about it. I’d rather it burn your neck so I can lick the mark” Nicole snickered under her breath, a mischievous grin on her face. “It’d be kinda hot to kiss burn marks on your face though”
Jecka could feel her face burning up, it was clear that it wasn’t from the smoke of the cigarette this time. She always joked Nicole would do that, when Kelly and Ari were being way too sexual with their threats towards each other; Nicole asked if the two of them could be ‘sexed up abusive lesbians’. Of course, Jecka said no to that, she didn’t truly believe Nicole would do all the abusing. Nicole was abusive, she couldn’t deny that, but wasn’t everyone here? Even if Nicole was somehow the most normal person at their high school, Jecka couldn’t admit her feelings. She didn’t want her affection to be the reason for another broken friendship in her life.
“Is that a yes?” Nicole’s voice snapped Jecka back to the present. The black haired girl’s hand laid on Jecka’s thigh, looking up at her with a subtle smirk. Jecka cleared her throat, placing the palm of her hand on Nicole’s face and pushing her away. Nicole could actually take the word no, she’d act as though nothing happened instead of making it awkward with fumbled half hearted apologies like most guys did.
“Why didn’t you text me back?” Jecka decided to break the awkward sexual tension with a more serious question.
“Wanted to surprise you, I know where you always go” Nicole shrugged, taking a puff of her cigarette and exhaling out the window. She rested her head on the lowered window, looking outside at the empty gas station parking lot they were in.
Not the most romantic spot, although it was where they always met up, sometimes they’d run in and Nicole would pocket a few cigarette packs while Jecka hit on the cashier. It worked for the most part, they hadn’t gotten caught at this gas station so far. Not having a cigarette in hand made Jecka think, god she hated thinking too long. The feeling of Nicole’s hand on her thigh still lingered, it’d be far too awkward to ask Nicole to put her hand back.
Hesitantly Jecka asked the question that lingered in the air on May 11th, “How’d your mother’s day go?”
Nicole started choking on her own spit, patting her chest with her free hand. “Fuck- you really had to ask?” She turned to face the blonde looking almost desperately into her amber eyes, as if to plead with her not to pry any further.
Jecka tossed the damp cigarette out of the window, unbuckling her seatbelt as Nicole’s eyes watched her like a hawk. The blonde shuffled in the car seat, turning to face her window before laying her head down in Nicole’s lap. She reached up to idly play with the long strands of Nicole’s hair that weren’t held up by the ponytail. “Yeah, I did,” Jecka replied, twirling her fingers in her friend’s dark hair.
Nicole took another inhale of the nicotine, tossing the cigarette out the car window and turning to face the blonde in her lap. Nicole looked down at her and exhaled the smoke, chuckling a little as she watched Jecka fan away the smoke with her free hand. Her smug smile faded as Jecka stopped swatting at the smoke and looked up at Nicole with rounded eyes. The soft amber eyes staring up at her, warm and inviting, it always made Nicole’s heart ache whenever she looked into them. A light pink color spread across Nicole’s face as she glanced away, looking out the window towards the empty gas station.
“My mom was all, ‘you didn’t do anything for me?’ She bitches about everything, I was better off not fucking bothering with a shitty gift she’d stuff in a drawer anyways. She doesn’t even deserve anything, congrats, you gave me a roof over my head, phenomenal parenting!” She rolled her eyes with a scowl, spitting out the window. “I fell asleep after cutting myself and she got all bitchy that I didn’t answer her messages and started deadnaming me and shit. Then she pulled the ‘is that how you treat your mother’ card and started strangling me till I told her happy fucking mother’s day! Now I’m here with a girl in my lap and nicotine in my veins” Nicole let out an amused exhale, running her fingers through Jecka’s hair absentmindedly.
“Shit…”
“You asked, I don’t know what else you were expecting me to say. I’m not bothered enough to lie about her shit, we both know how she is”
Jecka frowned, taking Nicole’s hand and pulling it towards her own face, planting a kiss on the back of her lanky hands. She pressed Nicole’s hand up to her cheek, turning to bury her face into Nicole’s abdomen. “I’m sorry,” she murmured softly.
Nicole’s brain stopped processing, trying to comprehend Jecka’s affection and the kiss on her hand. Instead of choosing to process the situation in front of her, it was easier to try and change the subject. “You sure you don’t want me to leave burn marks on your neck?”
Jecka turned her head, rolling her eyes at the other girl’s remark. Looking up at Nicole’s ocean blue eyes, she couldn’t help but get lost in them. She loved how Nicole looked at her, always with a reserved care and a glint of trouble that made her so irresistible. “What do you think?”
A smile crept across Nicole’s features, her face a slightly darker shade of red than before. She placed her hand under Jecka’s chin, lifting her head up and dipping her own head down. The two were inches apart from one another, looking into one another’s eyes with an unspoken compassion. “I think this might be gay,” Nicole smirked, placing her nose on Jecka’s.
“Shut up and kiss me, Nicole!”
Nicole’s brain went into autopilot, dipping her head down and pressing her lips up against Jecka’s. Her hands moved to support the blonde, placing one on her back and the other around her neck. Jecka moved hers behind Nicole’s head, tugging at her hair, pushing her closer, she licked Nicole’s lips with a soft murmur. Her tongue slipped into Nicole’s mouth, running around her tongue as the two pushed closer together.
Jecka pulled away from the kiss, promptly wiping the saliva off of her lips. The hazy look in her crush’s eyes prompted Jecka’s mind to remind her of the implications of what the two of them just did. The blonde quickly shot up from Nicole’s lap, repositioning herself to sit at the wheel like a responsible driver. She needed to take her mind off the fact she almost had car sex with her best friend.
“Fuck and I thought everything else we did was gay…” Nicole mumbled to herself, wiping the string of saliva off of her mouth. The silence in the car told her that her joke didn’t exactly land with the girl whose tongue was just in her mouth a couple seconds ago.
Nicole reached for the door handle, wrapping her hand around it before starting to let go. Either her brain fog was way too strong or she for sure heard Jecka start to sob. As the sobs became more and more frequent, it was clear Nicole was not hearing things this time. Nicole was not the best at comforting people, far from it, but the idea of leaving an emotionally unstable Jecka alone at the wheel was scarier than trying to be emotionally in tune.
“Was I that bad at it?” Nicole awkwardly laughed, trying to make Jecka at least smile at her stupidity. That usually worked, whenever Nicole couldn’t comfort her and tackle the problem directly, she just opted to make Jecka roll her eyes or smile at her feigned cluelessness.
Jecka’s hands tightened around the wheel, her sobbing grew louder as she let out a heavy exhale. “It’s not that, Nicole. We kissed- we fucking made out!”
“And?”
Jecka slammed her hand up against the car horn with an exasperated grumble. “I love you, Nicole. I fucking want you in my life til you kill yourself or I end up dead from the amount of smoke in my lungs!” Jecka’s sobs became more irregular and frantic, she turned to face Nicole with a sniffle. Her face was red, eyes tear stained, cheeks were damp from her crying, her breathing was erratic as her chest rose and fell.
Nicole wrapped her arms around Jecka, leaning across the console and pulling Jecka close to her. She let the blonde sob into her shoulder, making circular soothing motions on Jecka’s back to help her regulate her breathing. Jecka made a few soft hiccups, burying her head into the crook of Nicole’s neck. She closed her eyes, trying to enjoy the embrace for as long as she could before Nicole pushed her away.
“Jecka…” Nicole trailed off, continuing to form circular motions on the other girl’s back.
“I know- I should’ve asked if you even liked girls-”
“Jecka. That was the hottest confession I’ve ever heard, did you think I’d make out with you if I didn’t ?”
Jecka pulled back to look into Nicole’s eyes, staring into the endless blue ocean in front of her. She couldn’t let herself get lost in her eyes, instead, she had to search them, search for a hint of doubt or insincerity. Jecka knew when Nicole was lying at this point, she knew Nicole’s lies, she knew how she acted when she was trying to come up with something. Nothing. Nothing in her eyes indicated any deceit. That was almost scarier than there being something malicious, the reality that her best friend loved her back.
“Do you love me?” Jecka’s voice was lower than a whisper, her face still tear stained and red from sobbing.
Nicole hesitated for a moment, a split second of hesitation that she couldn’t hide from Jecka. She saw the hurt in her amber eyes, she saw the dejected frown as she turned away. Nicole couldn’t do anything about it, she refused to lie to Jecka when she was in this state.
“I think so… Jecka, I’m not used to feeling love - last time I loved someone he shot himself and said it was my fault! I didn’t want to fall in love with you, I didn’t want to become another burden in your life. Maybe I love you- I think I do.. Fuck- it’s just weird admitting that..” Nicole couldn’t meet her gaze, still, she held Jecka’s shoulders and tried to look at her.
Jecka turned back to Nicole, leaning forward to plant a kiss on her lips, pulling away to place another on her forehead. The blonde smiled back at Nicole, a soft loving look in her amber eyes. Nicole gave a relieved exhale, letting go of Jecka’s shoulders and placing her hands on top of the other’s instead.
“Is that a yes to letting me put burn marks on your neck?”
“Oh my god!” Jecka rolled her eyes, pulling her hands back to nudge Nicole.
“Are we-”
“Girlfriends?”
“Yeah that!”
Jecka giggled, placing her hands on Nicole’s knees and leaning forward; putting an inch of space between their faces. “What do you think, Nicole?”
“I think we’re gay,” Nicole teased, kissing Jecka’s forehead with a small smile on both of their faces.
“Yeah, that sounds about right” Jecka sat back up in the driver’s seat, putting her hands around the wheel again.
“Don’t you gotta do some bullshit with your mom today?” Nicole raised an eyebrow, leaning back in the shotgun seat. She threw her legs up on the dashboard, putting her hands behind her head.
“Ugh, don’t even mention it! Her and my dad got pissed I didn’t do anything, whenever I make an effort it’s thrown away! Finger paintings only lasted maybe five years until she had enough?” Jecka let out an exhausted sigh, interlocking her fingers, pushing them down to crack her knuckles.
“Fuck mother’s day, you wanna go smoke at the beach?” Nicole pulled out another cigarette from her pack.
“That’s one of the better ideas you’ve had recently,” Jecka chuckled, passing her lighter to Nicole and putting her key in the ignition.
Nicole lit the cigarette, leaning over to Jecka with a small tap on her shoulder. Jecka turned to face her girlfriend, watching her run her finger across her lips. The blonde opened her mouth for Nicole to put the cigarette between her lips. Jecka put her fingers to the cigar, moving it between her fingers and holding it out the window.
“You think we’ll both get disciplinary tattoos when we return home?” Nicole let out a chuckle, glancing over at Jecka.
“I hope not, at the very least we’d go through it together” Jecka murmured.
“Matching trauma tattoos,” Nicole commented in amusement, putting the Flaming Lips CD in the player.
The two both stared at the CD player with anticipation, waiting for a song from The Soft Bulletin album to play. “What is the light / That you have…”
Nicole dramatically groaned, putting her face in her hands as the song played. “Do you actually listen to this?” Although Nicole didn’t know if her question was even meant to be rhetorical, Jecka quickly answered it for her.
“ Shining all around you~” Jecka sang along to the lyrics, much to Nicole’s dismay. The only thing worse than dating someone that watches Smallville was dating someone that listened to Flaming Lips. She didn’t know what else she expected, it was the first thing they stole together after all. It made sense Jecka would form some kind of emotional attachment to that stupid album.
Nicole accepted her fate, listening to Jecka sing a scuffed cover of ‘ What is the light?’ As much as she hated her feelings for the blonde, she wouldn’t have it any other way. There wasn’t any better way, with any other person, that she could spend such a miserable holiday with.