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That year too was coming to an end.
Inside the castle, the walls of the dining hall echoed with laughter, a myriad happy voices soaking deep into the night and sending tremors across the frozen earth. Food was scarce, but the songs abundant, and cheap alcohol filled the places stale bread couldn’t. This would be the last of their celebrations for months to come; the last embers of a hearth always destined to be left behind. But the soldiers were determined to keep the fire alive, swallow it with wine and keep the warmth in their chest for as long as hope lasted.
Levi’s skull was throbbing, and yet for once he felt he had no right to complain. He stood in the courtyard, between the door and a frosty window, alone with the dancing flicker of a lantern that was far too weak for winter. The fleeting happiness of others was swelling and seeping through the cracks in the stone behind him. He could taste it, savour it almost, but only from a distance. Inside, the air was far too rich with the presence of people for someone with his stomach.
*
“Why do they have to be so loud?”
“Because they volunteered for war. Other than holidays and birthdays, the only times they are allowed to scream is when they are dying.”
*
The stars were not visible on the puffy white sky, but Levi had learned enough about astronomy in the last year to picture them gleaming above the clouds; a spill of silver across the darkest silk, rivers upon rivers of other worlds, unknown.
They were expecting snow at midnight or so Moblit had told him that afternoon, nervously wiping some sweat from his forehead despite the biting cold. He had used his savings to buy a bundle of fireworks from Sina, to impress Hange without a doubt. Soon before the year’s end, he had spent an entire week observing the weather.
Levi had never seen fireworks before. He kind of imagined them like exploding stars.
*
“But if you cannot see them move, how do you know…?”
“Someone wiser than me observed the skies, not with a bare eye but with instruments and calculations. The stars travel even during the day.”
“Was this another thing from your heretical books?”
“It was.”
*
Another sip of wine, and the middle of his lips was stained a deep burgundy, even as he remained perfectly sober. Their blood refused to taint, his adoptive father once told him, it refused to fall for anything as weak as alcohol. After several years of bets won in taverns, Levi finally came to believe him.
He had lost count of the cups that had been passed from hand to hand into his that night. Lacquered and earthen, cracked and old and new, all of them filled to the brim with sewer waste passing for wine and beer made from potato peelings. They drank to his health and theirs, to the king’s scraggly beard and the joy of seeing another dawn. They drank to humanity’s victory and dreams Levi never thought should be confessed. Someone raised a cup to the memory of a fallen horse, making two of her comrades cry.
*
“I told you before, it’s all wasted on me.”
“It’s not a waste if you don’t get drunk. All I care to see is the blush it brings on your cheeks.”
*
Levi had spent all evening looking at the clock; every clock across the entire castle, the tick of their cogs deafening, as it was suddenly counting the time backwards toward an inevitable end. Bronze clicked against iron and glass, over and over, and his eyes were drawn to each movement; a moth almost predatory in its fascination with a dying light.
In the courtyard there was nothing to measure the time and that left him both agitated and thankful. He knew the new year was approaching by the momentary silence, the collective holding of breath that occurred inside the walls, behind the windows. Levi leaned on the door to listen.
*
“You cannot slice time into even pieces like this and fit it into twelve marks. It makes no sense.”
“No, you are right. One can only pretend to. But it is upon such pretentions that we base our entire understanding of the world.”
*
The clock rung -one, three, twelve times- and the night erupted in human sounds, all of them wordlessly congratulating each other on being alive. Looking up, Levi suddenly realised the shoulders of his coat were powdered in snow.
“Blessings to us all,” he said to no one in particular and took the last sip of his drink with a toast toward the heavens.
“Happy new year to you too.”
The voice behind him was close enough for Levi to feel his commander’s breath caress a patch of exposed skin on his neck, between the loose folds of his scarf and a stiff woollen collar.
“Shouldn’t you be inside? You have a whole regiment to entertain, not to mention a cold from only three days ago.”
“Shouldn’t you be humouring your subordinates’ merry company, in accordance with your duty?”
The empty cup was taken from him, a few drops of red glistening softly around the rim, and Erwin couldn’t resist having a taste before placing it down and pulling the other man close.
“The songs are giving me a headache,” Levi lied unconvincingly and his voice came out a whisper, faltering and devoid of any sternness he might have tried to infuse it with. He was left with eyelids falling heavy under the weight of snowflakes on dark lashes and the intoxicating smell of cologne; his eyes fluttering closed as he was taken into an embrace. Their shared breath swirled into clouds between lips scandalously warm.
“Someone might see,” he said and his fists were already grabbing onto the commander’s sleeve.
“Tell me, corporal, why should I care?”
And Levi had nothing. His brittle teeth had no excuse to tear the moment apart, other than the lasting fear of closeness. Erwin went for a kiss on the forehead, but their mouths found each other naturally; slipping over cold cheeks and melding with practiced ease. A smile and a promise remained hidden beneath the lingering taste of alcohol and orange peel, cinnamon and aniseed. Levi sighed as he felt the briefest brush of a tongue around the tip of his own.
“Make a wish,” he muttered into his lover’s ear, “but don’t tell me what it is, otherwise it won’t come true.”
A set of gloved fingers laced around his.
“And if you guess it?”
“Then it will be mine until the end of forever.”