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Hanging out with other queer firefighters was more fun than Tommy expected. He hardly ever paid attention to the LAFD’s LGBT club meetings, but Hen had cajoled him and Evan into joining the meetings and events the group would host.
It was cool meeting other firefighters who were queer, especially firefighters who were veterans. It was nice creating more of a community since he usually kept to himself after dealing with so much homophobia in the army and at the 118 when he first started.
This was different.
He didn’t feel alone anymore.
Not only was he making friends with other queer firefighters, but he was getting more social with the 118. He was invited to dinners and after work hours at the bar, not to mention he had more people joining him for trivia nights and game nights.
And of course he had Evan.
Evan who would co-host dinner at their home (well really Tommy’s home, but it was starting to feel like theirs, so who cared) and who would go hiking with Tommy and who would take countless of pictures of Tommy and them together while they were out or when they were doing mundane things around each of their respective homes.
Tommy never felt alone anymore. He had Evan with him, even when they were apart because of work or plans with other people, they would constantly text message or call, the separation brief though since most nights ended with them in bed together.
Tommy felt giddy, he felt whole- a part of him not knowing this missing part was causing him to feel a lone and, truth be told, sad. He knew he had made amazing improvements with being honest with himself and being out and creating genuine friendships with colleagues and people he just happened to meet, but ever since he and Evan started dating, his perspective on vulnerability changed. He had seen the way Evan opened up to him, how he was free with his emotion and determination- it got Tommy not only protective about Evan and his sensitivity but also made him feel more comfortable about being vulnerable with others, especially with Evan.
He was always in awe of Evan and he knew deep down, he never wanted to stop being in awe of Evan. Tommy just wanted forever with Evan.
-
“So wait, let me get this straight.” Reese shook his head in disbelief, looking at Cassey and another firefighter named Rania for support. “Kinard is the first guy who’ve ever been with?”
Tommy stopped himself from fidgeting, he and Evan had decided to join the latest meet up sponsored by the LAFD’s LGBT group- which led them to a distillery for axe throwing content.
Not the best mix in Tommy’s opinion, but they were all firefighters.
He didn’t like the questions nor the judgmental and shocked faces of the other firefighters as Evan explained that ‘yeah, I’m bi.” And that Tommy was his first boyfriend, “Eight months and going strong.” He grinned toothily at Tommy, cheeks being rosy as Tommy smirked and moved his hand so that he could squeeze the back of Evan’s neck.
“That’s impressive.” Rania commented, taking a sip of her ginger-ale and eyeing the others. “And sweet.” She added on, tapping her nails against the cup and sounding unsure still.
Reese sputtered out a laugh that irked Tommy, “And odd.” He cocked a brow at her, cringing when he noticed Evan sit up straight- his brows furrowed in annoyance. “It’s just- Eight months? You never felt the need to just discover what’s out there?”
Evan shook his head, scooting closer to Tommy and taking his other hand. “Don’t need to.”
Reese’s eyes went wide, his mouth pursing for a moment before taking a sip and not looking convinced. “Okay.”
“It’s just,” Another firefighter paused, looking unsure for a moment, “You’re in LA and don’t want to, I don’t, explore what’s around?” he asked, eyes looking at Tommy as though Tommy was the issue. “I mean, you just came out as bi.”
Evan only squeezed Tommy’s hand tighter, his tone on edge as he told the other guy, “And I found myself a boyfriend. What’s your point?”
Tommy sighed, he half expected this. It felt like the worst version of hazing, in where folk just couldn’t believe your dating history. He had gone through it a couple of times, once in the army when he confessed, he only had one girlfriend ever and another after he came out and faced some criticism for not dating a guy yet (apparently coming out met jumping in head first, that wasn’t his thing).
“C’mon Tommy. You don’t think it’s odd that your boyfriend didn’t get to have his ‘looking around’ phase after coming out?” another firefighter asked teasingly, his words slightly slurred. Cassey looked at the firefighter and then at Evan and him, worrying his lower lip.
“Guys, leave them-”
But Cassey was cut off by another firefighter, Tommy thought his name was Joss or something like that. The guy had a ship on his shoulder since he used to work under Sal. “Nah,” Joss or Josh sneered, looking too excited for Tommy’s liking, “Answer the question Kinard, you’re gonna sit there and tell us you didn’t have a moment in where you didn’t enjoy just cruising the dating scene?”
Tommy shrugged, he didn’t owe anyone an explanation. Evan knew his dating history and that was enough, “Yeah.” He fessed up, sounding stoic to his own ears, “But I was looking for a relationship,” he cocked his head towards Evan, “And I found it.”
Rania pointed at him, “But you did date around though, that’s our point.” She laughed, “You had your dating phase and poor Buck here just caught up with the first guy he hooked up with.”
Reese snorted, his beer mug paused at his lip, “Rookie mistake.”
“What the hell is that suppose to mean?” Evan snapped, Tommy was quick to pull him by his wrist, his arm wrapping around Evan’s waist to keep him close.
Reese shrugged, a faux innocent smile on his face now. “I’m just saying, a bunch of us think its forever when he first hook up with our first gay guy.”
“Or girl.” Rania muttered, earning a nod from another female firefighter.
“But it’s the thrill though of something new, something you thought you didn’t know you wanted.” Reese continued smoothly, “And it’s fun and you think its forever, but c’mon.” he looked at Tommy. “It’s just the thrill, its not serious- you just think it should be. There are so many other guys for you to meet, why tie yourself down to the first one?” Reese seemed to believe he made a good point since the others were nodding or looking like they were inclined to agree. He eyed Tommy, now smirking, “No offense dude, but think about your first relationship with a guy. It didn’t work out obviously. Why be Buck’s first pancake?”
Cassey groaned into his hands; elbows propped up on the table. “Not the damn first pancake rule shit again.”
Evan shook his head, “I know all about the first pancake rule.” He eyed Reese, the disgust and annoyance clearly palpable as he got up, “And it sucks that your relationships seem to fail, but I like Tommy and he likes me, just because you’re still looking for someone who can put up with you doesn’t mean you get to put down my relationship.” He took out a few bills from his wallet and tossed them onto the table, “The hell with this.”
They both ignored the group calling them back, their half-heartedly apologies and laughs.
“Fucking assholes.” Evan muttered angrily as he walked them over to his jeep.
Tommy on the other hand couldn’t help but rethink what Reese had said. ‘No offense dude, but think about your first relationship with a guy. It didn’t work out obviously. Why be Buck’s first pancake?’
-
It had been three weeks later and Tommy couldn’t help still think of what Reese had said. He knew that Reese was an asshole and that not everyone in the group thought the same, Cassey had apologized profusely to them, informing them that others definitely did not think his relationship with Evan was awkward or wrong.
(Grant it, it took a while to persuade Evan to attend the next get-together, Cassey had to ensure them both that Reese and a few others wouldn’t be there)
Despite all that, Tommy couldn’t help but over analyze their relationship. He couldn’t help but feel like he was getting in the way of something potentially bigger for Evan- for that possibility to have fun and explore the gay dating scene.
He felt awkward about how committed Evan was being now with him, Evan was 32 and he was 42- their age gap showed they were at different stages at their life. Tommy was close to having to settle down, Evan still had time to play the field- date and sleep around to his heart content.
It felt like he was being selfish now with Evan, with his time and energy.
Here was Evan now, cooking dinner for them at Tommy’s when Evan could have been at a bar or a club, meeting new people, closer to his age.
“You okay?” Evan asked, looking concerned, watching Tommy like a hawk.
Tommy hadn’t realized he had zoned out again during their dinner.
Tommy bit the inside of his cheek, “Yeah,” he replied, feeling restless now, he pushed his plate back. “I-we need to talk, Evan.”
Evan sat up straighter, he laid down his fork gently onto the plate. “Uh, okay.” He said worriedly, “You okay?” he asked worriedly, “You’ve been off for a while and I didn’t want to push you to talk about it since I thought maybe it was a work thing. Are you okay?”
Tommy nodded, wiping his mouth with a napkin, giving a him a brief reprieve about how to answer. “Yeah.” He felt himself start to shake, avoiding Evan’s eyes as he looked anywhere else.
“Tommy?”
Tommy flinched, the best and worst part about dating Evan, was that Evan didn’t care to hide how he sounded- his emotions coming through with every word, even if it was just Tommy’s name.
“I think we should break up.”
Evan froze. His mouth opening and closing before he let out a weak sputter of a laugh. “Your’re-you’re joking.”
Tommy shook his head ‘no’. “I’m not.”
Evan’s eyes went wide, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. Tommy watched as Evan set his hands against the table, looking lost and confused. “I-why?” he asked, “Was is it something I said? Or did?”
“No, nothing you did-”
“Then what? I-I thought we were good? I-I thought we-we were happy? Tommy, if I did something or said something to make you up-”
Tommy held his hands up to placate Evan. “It was nothing you did, Evan. I-It was something I did.”
Evan shook his head in disbelief, “You did?” he repeated, sounding unsure and hurt all at once, “You didn’t do anything, Tommy, what the hell are-”
Tommy licked his lips, eyes casted down, “Evan, I’m the first guy you ever been with and I knew that when we started, but I-I don’t think we should have been serious. You deserve to explore this other side of you, you deserve to date around and have fun.”
Evan looked incredulous at that, his brows furrowing and his blue eyes close to tears. “Are you-are you cheating on me?” he asked, his voice hallow.
Tommy was taken back, falling back against his chair. “What? No!”
“Then what the hell?” Evan threw his napkin down on the table, “Why are you breaking up with me? You said I didn’t do anything or say anything to make you break up with me, you’re not cheating on me and I’m sure as hell not cheating on you, why the hell are you bringing this up?”
Tommy had to look away, avoiding Evan’s teary and angry expression. “I just think you deserve to be out there, instead of being tied down to some middle-age guy who’s making you play house.”
Evan shook his head vehemently, arms crossed in defiance now as he stood. “I’m not buying that, no way in hell.” He sneered, “You’re not making me do anything I don’t want, I want to be here, Tommy, I want to be with you!”
Tommy closed his eyes, he knew Evan would be against this. He knew that it wouldn’t be an easy break, but he also knew that Evan would appreciate down the road.
Evan was full of life and energy, he didn’t need to be saddled with Tommy and his baggage.
“Evan-”
“No!” Evan snapped, “Why do you think I would even want to-” he stopped himself, a weird expression crossing over his face, “Is this- does this have to do with that shit Reese said?” Evan asked, pointing to the door.
Tommy looked at his directly while still avoiding looking at Evan’s eyes. He knew he would falter and take it all back once he saw Evan crying.
“It does, doesn’t it?” Evan asked, anger seeping into voice now. “Why the hell are you even listening to what he and those assholes said? They were just a bunch of bitter people who wanted me to feel as bad as they do.”
Tommy let out a loud exhale, “They had a point, Evan.”
“TO HELL WITH THEIR POINT!” Evan yelled, red faced and shaky. Tommy could see Evan’s fists balled up, the tears falling freely.
Tommy could feel his own tears burning his eyes now.
“Tommy.” Evan’s voice was soft now, “Don’t-don’t do this. Don’t listen to them.” He begged, making his way over to Tommy’s side of the table. “I-I don’t want to explore the “dating scene”, I’ve done that and there’s nothing there. I just want you.”
Tommy wiped away his own tears, “You-you still might want too though. You’re just 32, you don’t need to be tied down so early. You can still have fun.”
“I have fun with you!” Evan knelt down besides him, “I have fun with you and I-I feel settled with you, I know I found something with you, Tommy.”
Tommy stood up, wincing as he caught sight of Evan reaction- hurt and confused. “I-I just don’t you to regret this- us, once you realize that you might have missed out on something bigger, something that might make you happy.”
“You make me happy!” Evan scrubbed his hand down his face, his body fidgeting even as he stood in place. “I-do I get even get a say here?” he asked angrily. He motioned his arms out, “You’re just making decisions based on what some assholes who don’t even know us? Do I get a say about how I want our relationship to go? Because I vote for we don’t break up.” Evan huffed, “There’s nothing for me out there.” He motioned his arms around, “I don’t want to be out there either, I want to be with you. Just with you, Tommy.”
“Evan-”
“No!” Evan pushed the chair that was acting as a buffer between them, “If you want to break up, then don’t use me as your crutch cause I’m not missing anything out there, you’re not doing me any favors by fucking letting me go.”
Tommy didn’t miss how Evan’s voice got softer with every word, how the anger seeped out of him as he got closer to Tommy. He almost wished Evan would be angrier about this, it would make it easier.
“Evan, I’m just doing us both a favor here. You still deserve to explore this new part of you, you don’t need to settle.”
“I’m not settling!” Evan cried, he grabbed ahold of Tommy hand in both of his. “If I ever made you think for one second that I was settling for you, then I’m sorry. Tommy, you’re the best thing in the world and the best thing that has ever happened to me, so please don’t do this.” He begged, urging for Tommy to look at him and letting out a off putting grunt, “If you’re gonna break up with me, at least look at me and tell me that you don’t want to be with me, because I’m not the one who’s willing to let go of us.”
Tommy felt himself take a deep breath in and pulled Evan’s hands away from his person as he finally looked at Evan. “We should break up.” He repeated, going over to grab Evan’s jacket and phone from the living room table.
Evan looked stunned, not moving as Tommy waited by the door with his stuff.
He didn’t look, didn’t want to see how Evan softly cried as walked over to snatch his stuff from Tommy, muttering a chocked out “Whatever. Fine.” and slamming the door after him.
Tommy felt his breath catch at how loud the slam was.
(As though his heart left with Evan out the door as well.)
-
The following weeks were filled with countless texts and missed calls from everyone at the 118, the messages and voice mails ranged from confused, to worry over Tommy and Evan, to requests begging Tommy to check in on Evan since everyone was worried about him.
Tommy ignored the calls and messages; he needed a clean break. He needed to not be reminded of Evan. While he appreciated the 118 concerns about him, he knew that they really cared about Evan- which was right.
He knew that they were Evan’s friends, not his.
(It stung, but Tommy was handling it well)
He thought he was handling things surprisingly well, he was back to his old self in record time. Yeah, it wasn’t great breaking up with Evan, but he knew Evan would be better off for it.
“Hey Kinard, do you mind if we talked?” Captain Patel asked, Tommy looked up from lacing his boots together, taken off guard by the early morning request. Patel was one of the older captains still assigned to the 217, he had about five years left till retirement but did enjoy coming to work still. Like Tommy, Patel was a former veteran, Tommy liked him- Patel was always serious but was always easy to talk to. Tommy though wasn’t use to Patel approaching him first thing in the morning to talk one on one though.
“Sure,” he got up, following his captain out to his office, not noticing his teammates eyeing Tommy in concern and guilt. “Is everything alright?” he asked once they were in Patel’s office
Patel closed the door softly, “I should be asking you that.” Patel motioned for Tommy to sit.
“Why would you be asking me that? I know we had that rough case with the kids last week, but I-”
“Tommy,” Patel shook his head, sighing as he pulled himself closer to his desk. “I’m worried about you, the team is worried about you. You haven’t been acting like yourself this past month.”
Tommy blanched at that, “I’ve been fine.”
“You’ve been short tempered, snappy, and when you’re not that, you’ve been just depressed. The other captains and I have received a lot of concerns about you from your team.” Patel explained gently, “Have things been okay at home?”
Tommy worried his lower lip, hands wringing together, “Yeah.” He said, his voice sounding unattached and far off.
“And how are things with you and Buckley?”
Tommy couldn’t help it, he flinched, his mind whirring back to when the broke up with Evan. How Evan looked.
He cleared his throat, still avoiding Patel’s eyes, “We broke up.”
Patel let out a soft, “Huh.” sound before dropping his hands onto the table, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s okay.” Tommy said quickly, as though that covered all of his emotions.
“It’s not.” Patel pointed out gently, “You clearly haven’t been handling it well.”
Tommy snorted, “I should be considering I’m the one who broke up.” Tommy thought he sounded even keened in his explanation, but Patel grimaced at that. Maybe it was the wording or maybe Tommy sounded indifferent?
Patel cocked his head to the side, studying Tommy now. “Why would you do that? I thought you two were okay, you seemed happy.”
Tommy rubbed his thighs, he felt his jaw tick, “I-I thought maybe it was too much too soon for Evan, y’know he’s a decade younger than me. He-” he cleared his throat again, wincing as he realized his voice was wavering, he sniffed as he crossed his arms- trying to keep his composure. “He didn’t need to be tied down so quickly to me.”
Patel nodded slowly, although he looked like he was barely understanding what Tommy was saying. “Tommy, look, I’m not going to pretend to understand what happened between you two but clearly it’s taking its toll on you.”
“It’s not.” Tommy snapped, sounding angrier than assured.
“Tommy.” Now Patel was beginning to lose his patience, looking and sounding resolute as he explained, “You’re not yourself, you might think you’re handling this breakup well but you’re not, you’re worrying your teammates and scaring them as well.” Patel pointed towards the door, “I need you to be focused 100% out there Tommy and right now I think you think you are, but you’re not- you’re coasting and not really here focusing and that’s beyond a danger to not only everyone here at the 217, but to the people we serve as well.”
Tommy swallowed his anger, jaw tight as he mulled over his options.
He didn’t have any.
He was fine.
“I’m assigning you to the LAFD’s therapist.”
“Cap, no. I’m fine.” Tommy promised, “I’ve done therapy anyway, I don’t need it for a breakup. I’m fine.”
Patel arched a brow, exhaling through his mouth as he kneaded his jaw. “You’re far off from being fine, Tommy. You’re grieving.”
Tommy scoffed, shaking his head. Not noting that he was folding into himself, not realizing he was slowly turning red. “You’re grieving and despite you being the one to break up, you’re still upset about losing Buckley. You might think you’re coping but you’re not. And I say this not just as your captain, but as a friend: you need to give yourself time to grieve if you expect to move on and work here again.”
That had Tommy sitting back up in alarm, “Cap-”
Patel held up his hands in defense, “Talk to the therapist, take your time grieving so that you can put your head back on straight and come back here like I know you want to be.”
Tommy sucked in his cheeks, realizing he had no choice now. “You’re putting me on leave.” It wasn’t a question.
Patel nodded, hands steepled under his chin, “Yes, with the added-on requirement of you attending at least two sessions before being signed off to return.”
“For how long?”
“Two weeks. If you need more, we can-”
Tommy got up, shoving the chair back roughly, “No.” he said curtly, “It’s fine. I’ll see you in two weeks, I guess. I don’t what the hell I’m supposed to do.” He ran his hands over his face, feeling a mixture of adrenaline, anger, and bitterness course through him. “What the hell am I supposed to do now? Wasn’t exactly thinking I would be forced to “grieve” on a fucking Tuesday.” He spat, opening the door so quickly and hard that it rattled off its hinges as it bounced off the wall.
“Kinard.” Patel didn’t sound angry or shocked. It grated Tommy’s nerves on how soft it sounded; how worried Patel was being over him. “It’s Thursday.”
‘Big whoop.’
-
He wasn’t grieving.
He didn’t have to.
He was coping well, despite what the stupid therapist thought.
Yeah, he and Evan were going well and yeah, he was happy. Despite what the therapist believed; Tommy could trust the happiness he had with Evan.
That wasn’t the problem.
There wasn’t a problem.
He had to break up with Evan, he didn’t want to feel guilty that he was Evan’s first boyfriend, first kiss with a man, first time with a man, first everything with a man, and also last? It just didn’t feel fair.
“To you or to him?” The therapist, Frank, had asked.
“To him, of course. I’ve got more experience than Evan, why would I hold him back?” Tommy had asked.
“I’m just confused, if Even hadn’t said anything, if he was the one that got upset about his relationship with you being ridiculed by those other firefighters, then why would you letting him go be beneficial to him? What would he gain from losing you?”
Someone better.
Someone who wasn’t so damaged.
Someone who wasn’t used to being alone because people had such an easy time walking away from home because he wasn’t worth it.
He was used to being alone, content with it. His mother left, then his sister, and then his father. His friends didn’t care to check in with him, the army didn’t care about his emotions or if he was okay as long as he shot where he was supposed to shoot. Even the 118 didn’t care, they didn’t care, they were content to leave things well enough alone.
Regardless, if Tommy was screaming in his own head that he just wanted someone to see him, they didn’t- no one did. He was the person people relied on, called for emergencies, called for favors. He was the tough guy that protected everyone. He didn’t need anyone.
He was better off alone.
And Evan was better off with someone who was just as bright and light as him.
He was coping just fine.
He was relaxing on his couch when the doorbell rang, he let out a tired groan, pushing Hondo (his usually hyper but now tired and down golden doodle) off his chest to get up.
He watched as the mailman wave at him and looked down, on his porch was a medium sized box addressed to him.
From Evan.
He felt like he was on auto-pilot as he picked up the box and set it on his living room table. He peeled off the tape, not knowing what to expect. He hadn’t heard from Evan, the calls from the 118 had died down.
One thing for sure, he hadn’t felt his heart stutter like this for what felt like ages. There wasn’t any note or card, but just a pile of stuff.
Tommy’s stuff.
His mug, his toothbrush, his toiletries, his hat and headbands. The clothes he would typically leave over at Evan’s so spending he night wouldn’t be a hassle. He felt his heart squeeze as he realized his LAFD hoodie was at the bottom of the box. The first hoodie he had ever received from the LAFD, it was worn out and faded. With holes on both sleeves and right on the back.
Evan had loved wearing it, he loved how ‘KINARD’ was still showing faintly on the back of the hoodie. How it fit Evan just right.
-
“You look comfy.” Tommy teased, wrapping his arms around Evan’s waist and setting his chin on Evan’s shoulder. Smiling as he heard Evan laugh, kissing Evan’s neck and enjoying how Evan turned his head to the side so that Tommy had more skin to kiss.
It was the first time Evan spent the night at his home, he looked more than comfortable- Evan looked like he belonged right in Tommy’s home. He looked beautiful with his curls out in full force, Tommy’s hoodie, and boxer briefs. He felt ecstatic and relieved to see Evan in his kitchen first thing in the morning, already half-way in making them a cup a coffee.
“I’m definitely comfy.” Evan turned around in his hold, “Now I know why my exes would wear my clothes, its nice.” He joked, hands running down Tommy’s bare chest till they settled on Tommy’s hips, the skin peeking through due to Tommy’s worn-out sweatpants sitting low on his hips.
“You’re nice.” Tommy murmured quietly, hooking his thumb and forefinger under Evan’s chin and pulling their lips together.
-
He pressed the worn-out hoodie close to his nose, registering the smell of citrus and amber. A mixture of Evan’s detergent and body wash.
Yeah, he was coping just fine.
That’s why he was on the floor, vision blurred with tears as he buried his face into the hoodie.
-
Tommy hadn’t expected it.
He wasn’t sure if what he was seeing was real.
A text message from Eddie, of all people, asking to hangout so that they could watch the MMA match. Cannonier versus Imavov.
Not exactly the thrilling match of the season but considering that Tommy’s leave got extended another week (thanks for nothing Frank), he figured it was better than nothing.
Which was how and why he found himself getting ready for Eddie to come over. It wasn’t a lot, but it did get Tommy to run out and get groceries and snacks, his fridge had been filled with spoiled food so he had to clean that out and replace it with the bare minimum. He knew Eddie wasn’t expecting a full 5 course dinner or anything, but he had to at least look like he was a functioning adult.
He also had to clean up his house, he hadn’t realized he allowed the house to collect dust. All in all, it took three days for him to get his house to look acceptable. He even shaved and showered.
(It had only been three days since he last showered. So not a big deal)
(Read: five days since he last showered)
The table had some snacks, popcorn, a plate of nachos, and sliders. He set a few bottles of beer too.
He didn’t know what to expect, or really, how Eddie would react when they finally saw each other. Eddie had only reached out once to him prior to the invite about the fight, it was only to confirm that Tommy did really break up with Evan.
“Hey.” Tommy smiled, letting Eddie in, noting the case of beer in Eddie’s hand. “Glad you decided to bring more beer. Got a case for us iced already.”
“Great.” Eddie looked the same, maybe more tired looking but he looked fine. Nothing to show that he was possibly angry or planning on harming Tommy in any way. He followed Eddie to the living room.
“Get comfortable.” Tommy suggested, laughing a bit as Hondo jumped onto the couch between them, whimpering a bit as Hondo decided to rest on Eddie’s lap. “Hondo, don’t-”
Eddie wavered him off, “No worries,” he assured Tommy with an easy going smile, he ruffled up Hondo’s curls, “Missed this little guy. I know Christopher has been bugging me for a dog since meeting him.”
Tommy laid back down on the chair, trying to relax. “How is Christopher doing?”
Eddie shrugged, “Fine.” He leaned over to grab a beer, “We’re getting better, I think me not dating for now has him and me in a better place. We’re talking more about what happened, he’s finally forgiven me.”
Tommy nodded in understanding; he remembered what happened. He was glad to hear that Christopher and him were better now. “How are things at work? Is Bobby doing okay back from sabbatical?”
Eddie snickered to himself, “Yeah,” he took a sip of his beer, “Although I’m pretty sure he’s thinking more about retirement more now than ever, I don’t think Bobby has the heart for the job anymore to be honest, the guy deserves a nice break somewhere calm.” Eddie noted, looking a bit disheartened as he brushed his thumb over the beer label. “Work has been okay so far. Couple of crazy calls as always, but that’s expected.”
“Right.”
Tommy had no urge to explain he was on leave for the last three weeks so he had no freaking clue what work was like at the 217 now.
They watched the fight in (un)comfortable silence, only talking to cheer or jeer at the ref’s call.
“So,” Eddie started off, swallowing his bite of nachos. “You gonna ask me or I’m supposed to sit here and pretend?” his eyes never left the screen.
Tommy nodded; the question had been going through his mind ever since he had received the text from Eddie. It was right on the tip of his tongue. He licked his lips, his hand lazily scratching behind Hondo’s ear- he needed something to anchor himself to, he was already dredging the answer. “How’s Evan?”
Eddie bit his tongue, brows raising up for a moment before shrugging. “That depends,” he said slowly and without emotions. “Want the truth or do you want me to lie to you?”
Tommy took a swig of his beer, not saying anything for a bit. “Lie to me.”
Eddie emitted a weird ‘hmm’ sound, he wiggled in his seat as he shook his head. Perhaps in disappointment or awkwardness, Tommy didn’t care to dissect it.
“He’s great.” Eddie’s tone was suddenly cheery, cheeky really. “He’s already dating.”
That shouldn’t have hurt.
Not now.
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” Eddie smiled proudly, he took another sip and picked up a slider and took a bite of that, “He was hooking up with some girl he met on a call but that didn’t last long, now he’s dating a guy Hen and I set him up with. Dylan something? Works as a history teacher at a junior high school close by the station so you know those two dorks shared history facts with each other during their dates.” Eddie joked, still looking proud.
“Mmhh.” Tommy didn’t realize he had started to scratch off the label of his beer bottle. His other hand was just sitting heavily on top of Hondo’s back, causing the dog to let out a agitated whine before moving closer to Eddie. “That’s great.”
Eddie nodded, shoving the rest of the slider into his mouth as they went back to watching the match.
(It took exactly 3 minutes and 17 seconds for Tommy to ask)
“And the truth?”
Eddie said nothing for a while, but his body language gave him away. He sat up straighter, moving his feet off the table and down to the ground, arms crossed now.
“You really want to know?”
Tommy’s ears perked at how fraught Eddie sounded. He was used to happy go-lucky Eddie, excited Eddie, and even down Eddie.
But this was different.
He wasn’t dealing with his friend Eddie.
He was dealing with his ex’s best friend now.
Tommy pressed his lips together, forcing himself to not cry. He honestly didn’t know what he wanted now.
“Yeah.” He answered nonchalantly, eyes firmly on the game now.
Eddie inhaled and exhaled slowly in and out. “He’s fucking miserable.” He answered, his tone even and emotionless. “He hasn’t stopped crying since you broke up with him and the only time when he isn’t crying is when he’s at work and that’s only when he’s on a call, otherwise me and the others are dealing with a mopey and down Buck on the clock. He hardly eats, he doesn’t want to spend time with us, and he’s barely left his apartment unless its one of us dragging his ass out.”
Tommy winced. He didn’t know what to say or what to do, he wanted the truth and it he got it and that was worse. “I’m sorry.”
Eddie shook his head, slamming his beer down on the table, “The hell with your sorry.” He got up, causing Hondo to whimper before scouring away to the other chair.
“Eddie-”
He was cut off by Eddie pointing at him, his façade finally gone and the anger showing in full force. “You know the only reason why I came is because Buck asked me? And not because he wanted me to spy on you, but because he was worried about you. He knows that you were put on leave, we all do, and even though you broke his fucking heart and because Buck doesn’t give a shit about himself and what people do to him, he was still worried about you. He thought you could use a friend.” Eddie hissed, pushing his hair back before dropping his arms to his side in frustration. “You broke up with him for reasons me and the others are still trying to fucking process, and yet he’s the one worried over you? Does that make any sense to you?”
Tommy was betrayed by his own emotions seeping through his voice. “No.” he muttered, eyes wet with tears. He clenched his jaw to keep from breaking down at hearing Evan, still heartbroken, still care and worry about him.
‘He was always too good for me.’
It proved in the worst ways that the breakup was a good thing. Evan deserved to have something who was deserving of his love and care.
Eddie rubbed his face, agitation still apparent, “Just answer me this, why did you break up with him? Answer me that because I have to deal with a broken Buck daily now because of you. If you’re not gonna be honest with him, then you’re sure as hell going to need to be honest with me.”
Tommy nodded, his defenses gone and depleted as his worst fears came true.
He broke Evan.
“He deserved better.” He mumbled, tears falling now.
“What?” Eddie barked, Tommy was unsure if Eddie hadn’t heard him or just didn’t believe him.
“He deserved better than me, he deserves to have someone exciting like him, someone who he can have fun with and enjoy- he deserves to just meet new people and not be held back by someone who’s in their 40s and just settle.”
Eddie let out a huff of disbelief, “You thought you were doing Buck a favor? By breaking up with him and what? Releasing him into the wild or something?” he shook his head, hands on his hips now. “You thought Buck settled for you?” Eddie gritted out, “You know what? I know Buck made me promise to be nice to you because he cares still and despite us being friends, i’m still his best friend so I need you to know this: Buck wasn’t settling for you, he wasn’t feeling suffocated by you or felt like needed to be out there. Buck has been looking for someone he could come home to. He needs someone to believe he’s worth coming home to.” Eddie’s voice faltered towards the end there, he paused, attempting to compose himself as he let out a bitter and dark chuckle, “God knows me and others tried to convince him he wasn’t expendable, that he was needed and wanted- even if he didn’t have someone to go home to, we needed him. And when he met you, we thought he finally believed us, believed you.” Eddie’s sniffling got him to look up at Eddie finally, seeing the younger man look scared and hurt. “He, Tommy, he was happy. He was finally happy with you and with everything, I was relieved because I trusted you, of all the people he’s dated while we were friends, you were the only person I thought wouldn’t hurt him- wouldn’t use him.”
Tommy looked down towards the ground again, wishing it somehow swallowed him and his misery. He felt like lead, he swallowed down a sob. “I-I didn’t want to hurt him.”
“Well, you did.” Eddie admitted listlessly, “You talk about him not wanting to settle when all he wanted was to settle down, to find someone he could love and take care of at the same time have that person love and take care of him unconditionally. He loved you Tommy and you just broke him.”
Tommy nodded wordlessly, tears running down his face. “I-I still love him.” He admitted meekly, admitting it felt worse than denying it. He felt the months of burden, regret, and sadness simmer its way to the top- he had tried to deny it and lie to himself since the breakup.
“You have a funny way of showing it.” Eddie grunted, he sighed and pulled out his phone. “I gotta go.” Eddie sighed, Tommy didn’t and couldn’t follow him.
“Eddie-”
“I’ll see you around, Kinard.”
This time Tommy didn’t flinch when the door slammed.
This time he could admit he was content with being alone for the long haul.
He deserved it.
-
The constant buzzing was what seeped into his nightmares, the gnarring sounds of something shaking against wood made Tommy delirious as he woke up and looked around to see his phone buzzing.
He had barely registered answering, much less to who was even calling him at 5 am on a Wednesday. “Hello?”
“Tommy, its Chim. Buck’s hurt.”
Tommy grabbed his jeans from yesterday and a something that looked like a long sleeve shirt that was laying on the foot of his bed before he could even ask, “Which hospital?”
-
Seeing the 118 felt more disconnecting and jarring than before, Bobby had stood up followed by Athena when they saw him. They were all still in uniform, Bobby looked like he was covered in dust and grime and Athena looked shaky- her dark uniform also covered in something that had to be dust or ashes.
“Tommy.” Hen’s voice caught him by surprise as she appeared by his side, taking in how disheveled he looked.
“Tommy.” Bobby greeted, the frown lines around his face deep as he sighed, “What are you doing here?”
Tommy looked around, noting that Ravi was standing close by and another firefighter was listening in as well. “I-Chimney called me. Evan’s hurt?”
Bobby nodded grimly, “Yeah.”
Hen moved to stand by Bobby, resting a hand on his shoulder as Athena rubbed his back. “We were responding to a five-alarm fire at an apartment complex on Belshire. The call was going okay till the second floor collapsed, Buck and Eddie were leaving but before they could the whole place just was gone. Buck pushed Eddie out but he-”
“He was trapped?” Tommy’s eyes went wide, his heart sunk to his stomach. Evan was buried under a pile of rubble for God knows how long. He felt like vomiting. “What-is he-”
Bobby looked grim as he explained, “He’s alive, but barely. He was put into a medically induced coma; his gear protected him from the burns but not the rubble. He’s gonna be in physical therapy for months, not to mention they’re worried about,” Bobby cleared his throat, sounding horse as he continued, “They’re worried about how much smoke and dust he inhaled, his mask was basically crushed.”
“That’s not the worst part of it.” Athena admitted dourly, her eyes shinny as she watched and studied Tommy’s reaction to the news so far.
“That’s not the worst of it?” Tommy snapped, hands carding through his hair.
Hen looked reproachful, Bobby shook his head and went back to sit down- his hand clasping Athena’s tightly for support.
“One of the structure pieces, a pipe or something penetrated Buck’s side, through and through. He was pinned till were to cut the pipe.”
Tommy let out a litany of swear words. “Can-can I see him?” he begged, looking at the three of them, already on the verge of tears. “I-I know he wouldn’t want to see me, but I need to see him, I-I have to, Bobby. Please.”
Before Bobby could say anything, he heard someone walk quickly towards them and saw Maddie walking briskly towards him, Chimney on her heels and looking worried. “What the hell is he doing here?” she asked them, pointing to Tommy as though he was just a mere object in her way.
“Maddie.” Hen’s voice was soft, she reached out to the other woman, but Maddie pulled away from her quickly.
Maddie was already crying, nose red as she looked through Tommy. “I want him out.”
“Maddie.” Chimney grabbed her hand gently. “I called him.”
Maddie was quick to whip around to face her husband, pulling her hand back and taking a step back. “Why would you do that?”
Chimney sighed, “Because Buck’s been miserable without him, because he’s going to miserable when he wakes up. He needs Tommy, whether we like it or not.”
“He broke his heart.” Maddie cried, wiping her tears as she glanced at Tommy. “The last thing Evan needs is to be heart broken again, he’s gonna be upset about not being able to go to work, if he sees Tommy he’s going to-”
“I’ll be here.” Tommy spoke up, his voice cracking but there.
Maddie frowned at him, nose scrunching up in distaste as Chim could only stand and stare between the two in worry. “What?”
“I’ll be there for him, I want to be there for him, Maddie.” Tommy sniffed, wiping the snot from his nose on the sleeve of his sweater. “I-I don’t care what comes next for him, for us- I want to be there when he wakes up and I want to take care of him.”
Maddie bit her lower lips, shaking her head again as she crossed her arms, “You lost that right when you broke up with him, Tommy.”
Tommy nodded; eyes closed as he figured that would be her response. “I know,” he admitted bitterly, he felt his shoulders slump over, “But I’m here, I got called and I came. I want to be here.” He urged, looking around the team for support or just reassurance.
Chimney touched his wife’s shoulder, “Maddie, he did show up.”
“Only because Evan got hurt.” Maddie snapped, her eyes boring into Tommy.
Tommy knew that was a below the belt type of hit, he felt himself stagger back a bit.
“Maddie.” Athena chided gently; she walked over to the younger woman. “I know you’re angry and you have all the right to be angry, but you and I both know that your brother would want Tommy here. Regardless of them broken up.”
Something about the reminder and how Athena said it felt like salt in the wounds. Tommy knew coming here would lead to hostility from him, he had basically burned his bridges when he didn’t respond to any of their calls or texts.
Maddie looked up towards the ceiling, shaking her head as she looked like she was considering everything. Her face scrunched up painfully as he she waved off Tommy, “Just go.” She told him before crying again, this time in Athena’s arms.
He felt himself being pulled by Hen and Chimney towards the direction of Evan’s room.
-
“Tommy.” Eddie sat up, Tommy figured that the other man would be with Evan.
But he didn’t hear Eddie or acknowledge him, his heart had stopped when he saw Evan.
Hooked up to monitor and tubes, his face bruised, and his arm covered in a cast. The heart monitor beeped softly, the only evidence Tommy had that the love of his life was still present.
“Tommy?” Hen’s voice was far away, covered and hushed by the buzzing growing louder and encompassing him. “Tommy!”
He felt his legs give out; he wasn’t sure who was holding him up now. Maybe Hen? Maybe Chimney? Maybe both.
He couldn’t register anything around him, except for Evan.
‘What did I do?’
-
The nurses were getting frustrated with the 118 and their families now, the charge nurse had ordered them to leave the waiting room since they were crowding the area, reminding them that for now they would only allow two people at a time to stay with Evan.
Tommy wanted to volunteer, but Maddie beat him to it and Eddie was adamant he wasn’t leaving.
“He feels guilty.” Hen told him, she had opted to grab some stuff for Evan from his loft and dragged Tommy with her as she drove his truck to Buck’s. “He and Buck fought earlier yesterday.”
That caught him by surprise, he knew Evan and Eddie had fought before- but the last actual argument Evan had mentioned was the fallout from the lawsuit. Even when Evan had body checked Eddie on the basketball court, Eddie and Evan were quick to make amends and apologize. “What about?”
Hen bit her tongue, her grip tightening on the steering wheel. “I don’t know.”
Tommy knew she was lying.
“The last time Buck was hurt like this Eddie hardly kept it together, I don’t know what he’s going to do now if he thinks he caused this.”
Tommy knew that no one would actually blame Eddie, but he understood that sort of pain. That sort of guilt.
He knew Eddie wasn’t responsible for hurting Evan.
At least Eddie could say that and mean it.
Unlike him.
-
They were finally at Evan’s place. Tommy froze, not realizing what he had inadvertently signed up for.
A thousand and one memories came rushing back into his head, their first kiss. Their first movie-night in, the first time they had sex, the times in where Evan would just pull Tommy to slow dance, the times where Evan and he would shower together after getting off shift. The number of meals they had in Evan’s kitchen and bedroom.
He barely heard Hen ask, “Are you okay?”
Tommy’s tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth, he could only nod and go upstairs.
“I think Buck kept a extra gym bag by his closet.” Hen noted, she pointed to Evan’s drawers, “Why don’t you get some clothes ready?”
Tommy blinked owlishly towards the dresser; at one point it was their dresser. He had a drawer in that dresser.
He knew he had lost track of time since they broke up, but Tommy could still remember coming up here with Evan, how they would have their own routine, how they just fitted well so seamlessly.
Tommy had destroyed that.
He felt like a perv now as he ruffled through Evan’s drawers, looking around to see if any of Evan’s favorite sweats or underwear were there.
He was rummaging through the second drawer for socks, noting how organized Evan kept his socks still (he used to tease Evan for the way he would fold his socks). He was trying to find the fuzzy ones that Christopher had gifted him when his hand felt something small and hard.
‘Oh.’
“Fuck.”
It was a small maroon ring box.
Tommy felt disconnected from his body, he wasn’t here. He wasn’t holding a ring box while standing in Evan’s bedroom months after they broke up.
He squeezed his eyes closed tightly, hoping he was still having nightmares. Hoping this was all a fucking nightmare.
He opened his eyes.
Of course, no fucking luck.
He sat down on the bed, causing the bed to creak under his dead weight as he held the ring box tightly. He opened the box, exposing the silver ring with black diamonds encrusted in the middle.
It was a man’s ring.
He thought a million thoughts, a million reasons that this wasn’t what he thought it was.
He saw the inscription inside the ring.
‘I’m ready for something and everything with you.’
“Tommy.” Hen was suddenly standing over him, her eyes wide as she took in the engagement ring. “Oh my god.”
Tommy felt his last strand of composure leave him, his last wall break as he dropped the ring box and started to sob.
He hadn’t taken Frank or Patel’s advice about grieving, about recognizing that he had lost something that had inadvertently broke him.
But now, it was hitting him. He had destroyed everything, destroyed his chance for happiness because he didn’t think he deserved it.
He sobbed into Hen’s shoulder as she held him tightly.
-
A week and a half later, Evan was still in a coma.
Tommy had finally gotten around to recognizing time passing, he had been counting the days now. He had been showing up to the hospital everyday now.
Yeah, it was still awkward. Eddie wasn’t talking to him, neither was Maddie.
Bobby and Athena seemed to be wary of him.
Hen and Chimney seemed to be the only ones to check in with him, clearly Hen had told Chimney about the engagement ring.
“You don’t have to keep checking in on me.” Tommy pointed out, feeling Chimney hover over him as they watched Evan.
Chimney snorted in disdain, “Because you’ve done a great job watching out for yourself.” He quipped, a slight smirk as he went back to watching Evan.
He was still at the hospital three days later when the doctors took out his intubation, and he was there when Evan woke up a day later.
Of course, it had to be when it was just him and Eddie there, Maddie had gone home at the instance of Chimney. Bobby and Athena had promised to visit later in the day.
The process was slow and it made Tommy’s heart lurch when he heard Evan groan in pain, his voice barely a whisper as he called out “Tommy.” Eddie looked at him grimly, standing up and gently holding Buck’s hand. Tommy felt stuck to the ground, standing and shaking at the foot of the bed.
“Buck?”
Evan let out a whimper of pain, he was shushed by Eddie, the man leaning over and whispering “Thank you God.” Before telling Evan to take it easy and pressing the on-call button for the nurse. “Don’t try to talk yet. The doctor just moved the tube yesterday, okay?” Eddie grabbed a sterile sponge and a cup of water that they had waiting to use once Evan woke up.
Tommy felt like a ghost as he watched Eddie drop a few drops of water into Evan’s mouth, patting the corners of Evan’s lips with the remainder of the water still left over. “Eddie?” he flinched at raw and scared Evan sounded.
“Hey buddy.” Eddie smiled; his eyes wet with tears. He looked up at Tommy briefly, “How are you feeling?”
“Lousy.” Evan coughed, wincing again as his body convulsed. Eddie dropped a few more droplets of water into his mouth. “Eddie, I-I want Tom-”
Before Evan could finish, the doctor and nurses scrambled into the room.
And Tommy scurried out.
-
Evan had months of physical therapy ahead of him, he still had a grade two concussion, and would have to be on months of antibiotics and checkups for the wound on his side.
The news left Evan more miserable and irritable, add to that he was still groggy from the coma.
But Tommy was thankful, Evan was alive.
He had seen everyone come through, from Maddie to Bobby to Albert. He again felt like a ghost as he could only stand by the door, gnawing on his lower lip as he thought about the stress that he could put Evan under if he just made his presence known.
“He’s been asking about you.” Chimney confronted him outside the hall, his voice a harsh whisper. “He just wants to see you, Tommy. The least you could do is make yourself known, you’re already here.”
Tommy blinked away the tears, “I-I already broke his heart, Chim.”
“Yeah, and knowing Buck, he would probably forgive you if he knew you showed up.” Chimney admitted, sounding frustrated at that.
Tommy let his head fall back against the corridor walls, “He shouldn’t though.” He wiped away the tears, “He shouldn’t just forgive me for breaking us up, for doing this to us.”
“I would hope he doesn’t forgive you that easily, but Tommy,” Tommy looked at him, “Do you want to get back together with Buck? Answer me honestly.” The older man demanded, despite Tommy knowing Chimney longer, knowing him as Howard first before the nickname. He was fully aware that Chimney was fully committed to Evan as his brother-in-law and friend. He saw how the protectiveness shine through, “Yeah,” Tommy sniffed, “I just want him to take me back. I just want him back with me.”
“Then show up for him, Kinard.”
-
Tommy wasn’t surprise to see Eddie back in the room already, the other man had barely left Evan’s side throughout all this. He knew Eddie was filled with grief and guilt, only leaving when he was reminded by the others to tend to his own needs and Christopher’s.
Between Maddie and Eddie, Tommy figured there was a low chance he would get Evan to stay with him.
But he was willing to fight them if that had to be the case.
Eddie’s anger towards him hadn’t faltered since Tommy arrived, he barely acknowledged Tommy most days. Since Evan had woken up, Eddie had only briefly spoken to him still. His focus just on Evan.
When Tommy came into the room, Evan was asleep. He sighed, grabbing the vacant chair by Eddie and moving it to Evan’s other side. He didn’t sit though.
“Eddie, can you give us a moment?”
Eddie eyed him and then Evan.
“No.” he answered ruffly.
“Eddie, I’m not gonna hurt him.” Tommy sighed, grabbing ahold of the bed rails. “I-I just need to get some stuff of my chest.”
He could see Eddie’s jaw tick, “I think you got everything you needed off your chest.”
“Eddie, please?” he sighed, “Just-Can you just give me five minutes?”
Eddie’s expression was pinched, but he got up anyway, taking his time to stretch and pop his bones and muscles into place. “You have two minutes.” He growled, glaring at Tommy in warning. Tommy wasn’t surprised to see Eddie just stand outside the room, leaning against the wall and not even giving them a bit of privacy.
He rubbed his forehead, knowing it was futile to fight with Eddie now.
He had other things to focus on.
He was finally close to Evan again, after months. He noticed how different he looked, Evan had lost a bit of weight in his face, he of course looked scruffier, and his hair was curly and greasy looking. What took Tommy off guard was the dark circles under Evan’s eyes, he wanted to blame the medically induced coma for them, but knew better.
He wanted to touch Evan, every part of him was dying to touch Evan. But he didn’t have that right anymore, he didn’t have that consent anymore. His fingers itched to just hold the man he loved close.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” He said softly, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” He didn’t care to try to stop the tears this time as he held on tightly to the rails. “I-I’m here, I’ve always been here and I don’t plan on ever leaving you again. It was a stupid mistake, the biggest mistake in my life and I’ve made some God-awful ones, but this one-this one destroyed me, Evan.” He swallowed down the lump in his throat, “I know it was a mistake letting you go, I threw away everything I’ve ever wanted because I was afraid of letting you down, afraid that you might regret me and leave because everyone else did. I was so used to being alone before you Evan that I thought it was better to be alone rather than be hurt by you later once you realized that I wasn’t good enough for you. I didn’t want you to have to settle for me.” He licked his lips, wiping away tears as he continued, “I promise to make it up to you though, I promise to gain your trust back, to gain your love back if you take me back. Even if-even if you just wanted to be friends, I would be okay with that, I just want you back in my life, Evan.”
“Honey.”
He thought he imagined it, Evan’s voice was still horse, so Tommy thought he just heard it. He felt Evan’s fingers brush against his. His blue eyes bleary and trying to focus on Tommy. “Tommy.”
“Hey,” Tommy cooed, he leaned closer to Evan but was weary of touching him, unlike Evan who was his best to keep his hand close to Tommy’s. “Easy, I don’t want you moving a lot.” He warned gently.
Evan moaned as he moved his cast covered hand up, “Evan, stop.” Evan did listen, his fingers brushed against Tommy’s shirt, barely gripping the scruff of it, Tommy pulled himself closer to Evan, till there were nearly face to face. “Evan.”
“You called me baby.” Evan’s voice was soft now, barely a whisper. His fingers brushed over Tommy’s cheek and then lips, eyes still unfocused as he asked Tommy. “I’m still your baby?”
Tommy nodded, not paying attention to his tears dropping down on Evan’s face. “Good.” Evan cooed, “You’re still my honey.”
“I shouldn’t be. You should be angry with me, Evan.” Tommy pointed out defensively, his voice still shaky.
Evan let out rough sounding groan, not out of pain, but annoyance. “I just survived a three-story building falling on top of me babe.” Evan winced, “I don’t want to be mad right now, I just want you to kiss me.” His fingers were still ghosting over Tommy’s lips. “Please?”
Tommy sputtered out a wet disbelieving laugh but didn’t move. He rubbed his nose against Evan’s. “My pleasure.” He gingerly cusped the side of Evan’s face and kissed him.
-
A month later Evan was still recovering, no one was really surprised that Evan had opted to recover at Tommy’s after being discharged. Despite a few words from Maddie, Evan was adamant about his decision.
Tommy didn’t want to give anyone a lick of doubt, he put in a request for family medical leave, had set alarm for all of Evan’s medication, and was on top of changing Evan’s bandages for his side.
Tommy went above and beyond in making sure Evan had everything he needed and wanted, even on those rough days where Evan would just lash out, Tommy stood by him. Even when Evan tried to leave, Tommy wouldn’t budge.
Yeah, this was a rough spot in their relationship, but they had just came out of a bigger rough spot and made it through- scared but made it through none the less.
They had talked a lot about the real reason for the breakup, about how miserable they were and how Tommy’s fears of being alone rivalled Evan’s fears of abandonment.
“I made it worse for you, didn’t I?” Tommy had asked as they laid in bed together, they couldn’t be physical with each other as Evan was still healing, but the intimacy they had never went away even after all the time apart. Evan was leaning against Tommy, head resting on top of his shoulder as they held hands, Tommy’s lips brushing against the back of Evan’s hand every once in a while.
“Yeah, but you’re making it better now.” Evan promised.
Tommy gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “Just so you know, I-I found the ring box when I had to get your stuff from your apartment.” He confessed, Tommy knew that he had derailed the possibility of them getting engaged any time soon, but he still wanted Evan to know.
Evan lifted his head up to look at him, “Oh.” He tried to pull his hand away, but Tommy stopped him.
“I just wanted to let you know that I found it, I’m not upset about it or anything.”
Evan nodded; he brushed his thumb over Tommy’s hand. “Do you still want to get married? To me?” Evan clarified; they had talked about how marriage was something they both had wanted down the road.
Tommy nodded, kissing the back of Evan’s hand and then his birthmark, “Yes.” he kissed Evan’s temple this time, “I want to be married to you.” He swore. “I want nothing more than that, Evan.”
Evan nodded, he rested his forehead against Tommy’s, “Did you like the ring then?”
Tommy laughed, head falling back as he smiled, “Yeah, I did.”
Evan nodded again, he looked thoughtful for a bit as he pursed his lips, mulling something over. “Hey Tommy?” he asked, laying his head down back on Tommy’s shoulder again.
“Yeah?”
“Will you marry me?”
Tommy tried to look at Evan without jostling him, “Evan-”
“It’s not what I had planned for us, but I don’t care about that stuff anymore. I just want you, I know we have stuff to work on but you’re it for me Tommy. You’re all I want.” Evan moved his hand out of Tommy’s now loose grip and rested it against Tommy’s heart. “I don’t need to question it or doubt it, I just know you’re it for me.” Tommy felt him tried to move and helped Evan to sit up, “So what do you say?”
This time there wasn’t any fear, no doubts or questions, just a -
“Yes.”