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“Then, Christopher said that it wasn’t true, his teacher told him that he should stop reading so much weird stuff on the internet.”
Buck closed the door to his apartment after he and Tommy had stepped in. Tommy was already on his way to the kitchen to put away the groceries. Chuckling at Buck’s words, he placed the bags on the counter and started to do his task.
And Buck just… froze. He stared at his boyfriend’s broad shoulders, his chest suddenly feeling much too tight. Fuck. It had already started, hadn’t it? On their way back home from getting groceries for their weekend together at Buck’s place, it had been Buck who had been talking nonstop. About this and that, several different topics, having talked the hind leg off a donkey. And for the whole time, Tommy had barely said anything, listening to Buck and humming every now and then or asking a quick question.
Tommy would be so done with him soon. Buck was already too much, annoying the other man, wasn’t he? Like he annoyed every other person in his life before. And Tommy would leave him. Like every other person in his life had done, temporarily or for good. Because Buck was too loud, too talkative, too needy, too much. At one point or another, all of his partners left him. Evan Buckley had never been priority number one to anyone and that would never happen, right?
Fuck, that thought made him tear up all of a sudden and Buck was not able to move. Frozen to the spot, he tried to calm himself down, but the thought of Tommy leaving him was just too painful. Buck loved this man, he really did, and just thinking of being all by himself after being with Tommy made his knees tremble and his breath catch in his throat.
“So, what was Christopher’s answer?”
Tommy’s voice seemed so far away and Buck wasn’t really able to react to his boyfriend’s words because he felt like on the verge of a panic attack. He swallowed thickly and tried hard to calm down, but that was easier said than done.
“Evan? What’s wrong?”
Just a few seconds later, Tommy was standing in front of him, a worried frown on his handsome face. Large, gentle hands brushed against Buck’s upper arms and that caused his tears to fall in the end.
“Baby? What’s wrong? Did I say something to make you cry?” Tommy seemed to be really alarmed now and Buck almost felt like laughing at the other man’s words. His boyfriend had never been anything but gentle and loving, always making sure that Buck was comfortable and felt safe around him. Never before had Buck met someone like him and there was no way in hell Tommy could do anything to hurt him - well, except for leaving him when he finally had enough of him one day.
“I- I just-” Buck’s voice was trembling and he hated how weak he sounded. “Do you find - do you find me annoying?” There, he said it. And while Buck was still trembling with tears shimmering in his eyes, Tommy’s expression visibly softened and understanding appeared in his eyes. “Come on. Let’s sit down.”
Tommy gently grabbed Buck’s hand and led him to the couch. They both sat down, with Tommy still holding Buck’s hand, and quickly, Buck wiped the tears off his cheek with the back of his free hand. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled and Tommy shook his head.
“It’s okay, baby. Just speak to me. What’s making you think I could be annoyed by you?” Tommy was always so patient and kind. They’ve had a moment like this already, months ago, after their first sex. When Buck had freaked out about Tommy telling him about his first hookup with a man.
Slightly, Buck shrugged. “It’s just… I’m the one talking and talking and talking and I just thought…” He felt Tommy squeeze his hand softly. “That you’re too much?” Tommy ended his sentence and Buck averted his eyes, looking at their intertwined hands. Again, he shrugged before nodding. “Yeah,” he breathed quietly. “I’ve often… wanted too much, too quickly. My ex told me I was too needy and too much,” he admitted. “And I guess my parents are to blame for me being this fucked up as well.”
Buck felt Tommy’s free hand touch his cheek and he looked up at his boyfriend, a large lump in his throat. Tommy’s fingers really gently brushed over Buck’s cheek, up and down, in a feathery touch that made Buck’s heart squeeze with love and longing. He wanted to be touched like this forever.
“We’ve been a couple for eight months now,” Tommy started to speak, his blue eyes warm, gazing at Buck. “And I never, not once, thought of you as annoying or too much, Evan. Not for once second. I love being with you.” Relief and hope were slowly raising their heads inside of Buck’s heart. He swallowed thickly and kept on listening to his boyfriend’s words.
“Actually, I’ve never been this happy in a relationship. Ever. You, me, us - everything between us comes so naturally and easily, Evan. I can be who I am around you, unapologetically so, and I really hope you feel the same when you’re with me.” Buck immediately nodded and that made Tommy smile beautifully. “I trust you. I love you. You’re my boyfriend and I have no desire to change that, Evan. Well, maybe one day, but by marrying you and not by leaving you.” Tommy winked at Buck and Buck couldn’t stop himself from laughing wetly because this man was just too amazing to be true. His boyfriend.
“I think you talking three miles a minute and being passionate about things is incredibly endearing, Evan. And attractive. I think you’re amazing just the way you are.” Tommy brushed a tear off Buck’s cheek with his thumb. “I also understand that those insecurities aren’t easy to overcome, but I’m here and I’ll gladly help you whenever you need me. I will tell you how much I love you and that I want you to be at my side as often as you need, as long as you need until those fears stop pestering you.”
Sniffling quietly, Buck wrapped both of his arms around Tommy who immediately reciprocated his hug. “I love you,” Buck mumbled into his boyfriend’s shoulder and he closed his eyes, exhaling audibly. He felt much better now even though he still felt a little embarrassed about having freaked out at Tommy again. “So, so much.”
Tommy brushed his hands over the small of Buck’s back. “Love you too,” the older man said softly. “And to be honest, I thought about asking you to move in with me for a few weeks now.”
Tommy’s words made Buck blink in surprise and he brought some more distance between them again to look at his boyfriend. “Really?” he asked, his heart beating really fast in his chest, but not because of the almost-panic-attack anymore. “Yeah,” Tommy smiled. “But I really don’t want to rush things. I like the way we took things slow until now, so… what do you think? Why don’t we talk about moving in together on our first anniversary?” Buck felt his own expression soften. He placed his right hand on Tommy’s chest, feeling his heartbeat under his fingertips and his palm. He nodded. “Yeah. Let’s do that.”