Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It all started with a head injury.

Barbara Howard was not clumsy. She was graceful and careful and not the kind of person to miss a large patch of ice in the middle of the parking lot. But then Jacob was trying to ask Barbara something, Melissa was telling him to give it a rest, and then Janine came over and she didn't realize where she was standing when her head swiveled and the rest of her body went with her.

Next thing she knew, she woke up in a hospital.

Oh my god, Barb, baby, are you ok?

Barbara scanned her body. Her head felt like a particularly nasty headache. Her backside felt a little bruised. But importantly, nothing felt broken or grievously injured.

I... my head hurts a little but I feel mostly fine. I just feel like I fell hard. It probably looked worse than it was.

Melissa smiled and gripped Barbara's hand a little tighter. There was something that felt different from all the other times Melissa held her hand, but Barbara couldn't place what. Well, you did get knocked unconscious and they had to bring you here cause they were worried about internal bleeding. So, uh, was kinda bad, but I guess if you're awake and speaking in complete sentences, then I'll grab the doc to give us the all clear to get home.

Barbara squeezed Melissa's hand and smiled at her as she got up to get the doctor. She was going to ask if Gerald knew or if he was around, but that question could be asked later. She was never going to question getting some extra time alone with Melissa. Barbara began to shift slowly into sitting up, positioning rough, sterile sheets and lumpy pillows behind her. At least they hadn't put her in one of those embarrassing surgical gowns. After Barbara was sat up and she rolled her shoulders to straighten her posture, the doctor strode in behind Melissa.

Ok, Barbara, so Melissa just told me you seem to be feeling fine, nothing out of the ordinary? Nothing feels broken? Are you feeling disoriented at all?

Barbara gave a tight smile, No more than anyone else who falls down in a parking lot and the next thing they know they wake up in a hospital.

The doctor laughed, which Barbara supposed was a good sign in itself. Well, in that case, you're all good to go. My one recommendation is, as much as you can, don't drive for a few days. But your wife has told me that shouldn't be too hard since you both work at the same school.

Barbara and Melissa had certainly referred to each other as their work wives on occasion, but that was a joke between them.

Except Melissa had called her baby.

And Melissa was wearing a wedding ring.

Well then, Mrs. Schemmenti, I'll... is everything ok?

Barbara's heart skipped. This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. I'm sorry, I think the fall might have— Melissa, are we married?

Melissa's face morphed into slight panic. For as long as it's been legal, and we've been together just over thirty years. Do you... do you not remember that?

Barbara wasn't sure how to explain that she's supposed to be married to someone else for just over thirty years, so instead she just hesitantly replied, I think the fall might have affected more than I thought.

Barbara figured she probably should tell the doctor that she had the wrong memories, but her desire to leave the hospital and just go home was stronger. Besides, she could probably feel her way around. Maybe she was in a dream. An incredibly vivid, realistic dream.

Or maybe the entire life she lived before was a dream?

Barbara wasn't quite sure what was reality at the moment.

So, um, you do know who I am, right?

Barbara did her best to comfort her wife with a smile. I do. I think, maybe some wires got crossed. I know who you are, I just didn't realize we were married. Barbara reached across the center console and reassuringly (at least she hoped reassuringly) squeezed Melissa's arm. I always knew I've loved you from the day we met. Well, ok, did we meet when you started teaching at Abbott? We both work there right?

Barbara couldn't help but smile when she saw Melissa visibly unclench. We did, yeah. And yeah we work there. You're kindergarten Mrs. Schemmenti and I'm second grade Mrs. Schemmenti. I already told Ava you're taking tomorrow off, and I might be taking off too depending on how you're doing.

Ok, Ava's still the principal. That's reassuring. Now there's a thought I never thought I'd have.

Now came the question Barbara was dreading asking the most. Do we have kids? As much as she did love Melissa, she couldn't imagine living in a world without her Taylor and Gina.

Melissa's grip on the steering wheel tightened again. Yeah, two daughters–

Taylor and Gina?

Melissa's knuckles were no longer white. Oh thank god, ok you do remember them. Yeah, Taylor and Gina.

Barbara wasn't sure if she should even be asking about this, but it was only going to bother her until she knew. What about Gerald? Is he– did I make him up?

Melissa's expression was some kind of annoyed smile. Knew you'd ask about him. Yeah, he's the girls' father. Well, like, he's the sperm donor. It's not like youse guys had sex. But, uh, Melissa chuckled, we did DIY it with a plastic cup and a turkey baster. I mean, we didn't exactly have a lotta options back in the day. It's not like anyone would let us adopt or doctors do the whole artificial insemination knowing the girls would have two moms. But yeah, youse two have been friends almost as long as we've known each other. He's probably your best friend by now.

Maybe the rest of her life was a dream and this was reality. It certainly was feeling that way. This just felt right, Melissa being the one she loved romantically and Gerald being the one she loved platonically. Or maybe it was a dream, her brain righting the wrongs of her real life. Either way, Barbara wasn't going to question it. As long as she was here, she planned to take full advantage of the opportunities afforded to her.

Well, Barbara started as Melissa pulled into the driveway, I'm glad I'm married to you.

Melissa's face lit up as she turned off the ignition. I'm glad you're happy you're married to me. I was so worried when you weren't waking up. The doctors were sayin' stuff about internal bleeding in the head and I, Melissa sniffled and Barbara squeezed her hand, I was so scared to lose you. I know we butt heads and stuff but, this just made me realize, I love you. And that's all that matters. None'a that other stuff, just you and me.

Sure, Barbara supposed it followed that if her and Melissa were married for so long that they'd have their moments, but wasn't that every couple? They'd even had their moments just as friends. But as long as Melissa loved her now, and she clearly did, that was what mattered.

Melissa unlocked the door and Barbara heard a familiar voice from the kitchen.

Melissa, that you? Is Barbara with you? I was just cooking something so you'd have something nice to eat for dinner.

Barbara was waiting for Melissa to bristle at someone else inhabiting her domain, but given the lack of reaction, this couldn't be the first time. And, she supposed, if he was the father of their children, there was a requisite amount of closeness with the rest of the family.

Melissa entered the kitchen and said in a bit of a hushed tone (even though Barbara could still hear her perfectly well). Yeah, we're back. Physically she's fine, but she has some kinda amnesia. Like she knows who everyone is, she just... she didn't know we were married.

Gerald seemed legitimately sympathetic as he looked down at the woman with her arms defensively crossed over her chest. Is there anything I can do?

Melissa shrugged with a scowl, Doc said there's not much we can do. I mean, I'll probably just get out the photo albums and tell her about the whole life we've shared together. See how much of that she remembers. Sure is telling that I'm the one she forgets.

That made Barbara's stomach clench. Were things actually... no, she wasn't going to think about that. What mattered was the two of them as they were now. No matter what the past might be, she was determined to love her now the way she had always wished she could.

After dinner, Melissa asked, So, how are you feeling?

Dinner was just a nice sourdough Gerald had picked up from the store and some butternut squash soup he'd made from scratch, but it was still plenty filling for Barbara. That, combined with the rather eventful day she'd had, meant that she was nearly falling asleep at the table. Tired mostly. I know it's early, but I'm ready for bed.

Melissa nodded. Ok, um, do you wanna sleep in the guest room or in our room?

How bad had things gotten that this was even a question?

Barbara quickly answered, Our room, of course.

Melissa grinned, Oh, ok then. Sure. Yeah. That sounds nice.

Well, at least she's amenable to sleeping with me.

Maybe I should check how far this goes before getting into bed.

Melissa got up, but before she could grab the dishes, Barbara got up and caught her arm. Hey, she said, I love you.

Barbara couldn't understand how this other version of her could ever lose appreciation for the way Melissa's eyes lit up. I love you too.

Barbara stepped closer, and at long last, leaned in and let her lips meet Melissa's.

How could any version of her not feel the fireworks in their kiss? How could she not melt when Melissa clearly poured her love into her with her lips and tongue? How could she not do everything in her power to protect this thing that was clearly beyond sacred?

Again, that was no matter. Whatever pre-fall version of Barbara did, she was here to fix all that. She was here to love and cherish and show Melissa the depth of her feelings for her.

Wow, Melissa nervously laughed, you haven't kissed me like that in years.

Barbara's heart broke. She tucked a strand of hair behind Melissa's ear and let her nails linger with clear intention. Well, I hope I can make up for it now.

Melissa's cheeks were nearly as red as her hair. I, uh, lemme throw these in the dishwasher, and I'll meet you in bed. God, you're really making up for scarin' the shit outta me.

Barbara smiled to herself. At least her ability to fluster the normally unflappable Melissa Schemmenti also existed in both universes.

Barbara went up the stairs and to their room. That in itself was an experience. This was their room. The room that she shared with Melissa. That they (hopefully) had made love in for years. That they'd shared together as they lived a full life together. If this was real, Barbara hoped and prayed she'd regain those memories. She could only imagine the joy that came from a life with her.

Barbara checked under her pillow and was relieved when she saw that pre-fall Barbara also put her pajamas there. Another comforting similarity. That said, she was tired, but she wasn't ready to go to sleep. She didn't want this to just end with that kiss. At the very least, she had to know. What was she like? Was she loud? Did her voice climb in pitch or was it deep and guttural? Did she normally use her fingers or did they employ some kind of helping hand? How did she make her feel? How did she make her feel?

Barbara began taking off her clothes and fretted when she saw the deeply unexciting, utilitarian black bra she was wearing and the deep purple cotton panties that likely came in a pack of three from Target or Walmart. Sure, Melissa had probably seen her like this before, but it was different for Barbara. She wanted to be pretty for her, to present as beautifully as possible, to be as perfect as she could be. She glanced around the room and hoped the dresser she went to was her's and not Melissa's. She opened the top drawer and rifled through for something a little more exciting than what she currently had on. She found a pair of underwear with lace edging and a bra with similar lace on the cups decided that would do. She could hear Melissa making her way up the stairs and flung off what she was wearing and put on the chosen set as fast as she could. Thankfully, whatever head injury she may or may not have hadn't affected her coordination or dexterity. Barely a second after finishing clasping the new bra on, Melissa walked into the room.

Melissa's eyes wandered up and down Barbara's form with a hungry smile. You definitely weren't wearing those this morning.

Barbara gave a coy smile and batted her eyelashes for good measure. Maybe I wanted to look a bit nicer for you.

Melissa walked to where Barbara stood and wound her arms around Barbara's waist. She looked up at Barbara as if she'd hung the moon and stars. You really are making up for scaring the shit outta me. I do like seeing you in these, even though I know they ain't the most comfortable.

Barbara didn't understand. Sure, a bra's a bra, but it wasn't significantly more uncomfortable. What in God's name had this other version of her said to her wife? Still, she wasn't about to dig into that. Not when this woman's body was up against her's. I'm glad you like it, considering it's all for you.

Barbara leaned in and let herself feel just how hungry she was, just how much she needed this woman in a way she'd denied for so long. She gathered Melissa's blouse in her fists and murmured in between kisses, Take me to bed. Please.

Melissa looked like she could barely contain her excitement. Gladly. Melissa guided her to the edge of the bed, and Barbara sat down on the edge. She positioned herself against the pillows (somehow it didn't surprise Barbara that their bed had a near comical amount of throw pillows) while Melissa whipped off her shirt and nearly jumped out of her leggings.

Kinda feel bad I didn't dress for the occasion, Melissa said as she looked down at her own underwear attire (which was still nicer than what Barbara was initially wearing, but if this Melissa was anything like the Melissa she'd known, she has Standards when it comes to the bedroom).

Barbara looked up with a flirtatious smirk. How about I undress you for the occasion?

Melissa shook her head and rolled her eyes with a smile. You really are insatiable tonight, huh? She crawled on top of Barbara and murmured, Not that I'm complaining. I'm just glad you still want me after all these years.

Barbara arched her back under Melissa, slotting Melissa's thigh between her own legs and letting her feel just how much she wanted her. Melissa's eyes went wide as she melted on top of Barbara. She pressed down on Barbara's thigh and raggedly whispered, Fuck, you haven't... it hasn't been like this in so long. I love you so much, baby.

All Barbara knew was that she was a flood of need, and the waves needed somewhere to go as she rutted against Melissa's thigh. She was sure things had probably gotten a little stale in the bedroom (who doesn't have that issue after thirty years of marriage?), but tonight, it was anything but stale for her. She shucked off her underwear, even though Melissa gave a little whine because she didn't get to do it, and pressed harder against her thigh. Melissa kissed her neck, occasionally grazing the sensitive skin with her teeth, and Barbara gasped.

Right, thirty years of marriage also means the other person knows every one of your buttons.

Melissa's hand started palming her wife's breast, alternating between squeezing and pinching her nipples the exact way she liked it. Well, Melissa was just as good a student as she was a teacher (when she was motivated, that is). Barbara buried her nose and mouth in base of Melissa's neck, right where it joined the shoulders, and her hands traveled down Melissa's body to just as greedily grab her ass.

You close, baby? Melissa asked in between neck kisses. If Melissa weren't absolutely right, Barbara would tell her to get that shit-eating grin off her face or that she should know after being married for so long. Instead, Barbara was panting and whimpering like some kind of desperate creature, her nails scrabbling all over Melissa's back. She never thought just rutting would get her here. She wasn't normally this easy. In fact, she considered herself quite the opposite, more of an orgasmic Rubik's cube than a clearly marked track. Evidently, that wasn't the case here. Then, Melissa wedged two fingers between her thigh and Barbara's cunt, and that set her alight in a way she'd never felt before. She always considered sparks flying to be just a silly little metaphor, but when she felt the heat and static in her body, she saw the truth in the trope. She was just barely getting oxygen in the center of the fire, but she knew Melissa would always make sure she was never consumed by the flames.

How could any version of her not see just how transcendent this was? How could she stray so far that she thought sleeping in a different room was preferable to the clouds of heaven in her wife's arms?

Do you think Ava will be fine with both of us being out tomorrow? Barbara drowsily asked.

Melissa hummed, Yeah, she's got no room to argue with me. You not feeling so good?

Barbara gave a lethargic chuckle, Not quite. I just want to make love to you, but I'm too tired to return the favor right now.

Melissa had a mischievous look. Oh, yeah, babe, it definitely sounds like I'm gonna have to stay home to take care of you. Don't see any way around it.

Barbara snuggled into her wife's side. Glad you see how severe the situation is.

If it wasn't for Melissa dragging Barbara out of bed to do her night routine (thankfully, another thing that hadn't changed) she could have fallen asleep right then and there.

Chapter Text

Barbara normally didn't dream. That was part of why this whole day had felt so strange. She guessed that maybe she was having a dream because of the fall. Or maybe she'd had a mysterious medical condition that was bubbling to the surface (but who experiences that at her age? Normally you know more or less all the conditions your body has by now). However, now she was in some other kind of dream, and this was disappointingly realistic. All she knew was she was suddenly in Ava's office and Ava was sitting at her desk.

Ava, what am I doing here? Barbara asked. If she was here, she probably should be taking care of her class.

Ava looked up at Barbara with an amused smile on my face. I'm always curious to see how people react to meeting me.

Barbara furrowed her brow. Meeting you? What on earth do you mean by— Ava, I've known you for over three years now.

Ava gave that annoying little chuckle when she knew something you didn't. And it was infuriating to Barbara. Yeah, so I'm not actually Ava. I just take the form of someone you trust and I put us down in an environment that's familiar and safe. Gotta say, she looked down at the mirror that sat on the corner of her desk, not sure why you went for that Italian when this Ava lady is right here. Damn, I look good.

Barbara leaned forward with even more confusion. What do you mean you're not actually Ava? Who are you then?

Ava (or not Ava that looked and acted like her?) leaned back in her chair and answered, I think you guys call me God? I mean, gotta say, love the energy you Christians have and how much you all quite literally worship me, but like, I'm not this whole omnipotent, omnipresent being. Your expectations are too damn high. I'm like... I'm like a principal and all universes are my school.

Well, Barbara had spent the second half of her day in an alternate reality where she was married to her best friend. Why not? Ok, so God... actually can I call you Ava? It feels strange calling someone who looks exactly like Ava God.

God Ava shrugged, Sure, I don't care. Not the first time some human gave me a new name. Besides, I'm a metaphysical being beyond human comprehension, so just call me whatever.

There was no way around this being weird. Ok, Ava, then why am I here? Why am I talking to you right now?

God Ava threw up her hands. Finally, a decent question! Ok, so funny story, I accidentally killed you. Well ok, so I killed a version of you in one universe, then mixed up who was in which universe and uh, sent you to an alternate universe. Anyway, lemme get my notes so I can see which one I sent you to.

Barbara cocked an eyebrow as God Ava tapped around on her computer. If this was the higher being in charge of the world, no wonder things were so chaotic. Alright so just pulled up both universes and my notes say, God Ava paused while her eyes scanned the page, Melissa got there first. That's literally it. Ugh, that's so boring.

Barbara blinked as she tried to process what she was being told. So, alternate universes are real?

God Ava petulantly rolled her eyes, Obviously.

Barbara huffed. And in both universes, I fell and hit my head, and you killed this universe's version of me, but you put my soul, that belongs in a different universe, in the body of the person in this universe?

Why are you just repeating back to me what I already told you?

Barbara's back straightened, about to shoot Ava a look until she remembered that this wasn't actually Ava. She probably shouldn't give this higher being that she'd praised and worshiped her whole life a withering glare. Well, Ava, at the beginning of the day, I had no idea alternate universes even existed, so this is all a lot for me to process.

God Ava threw her head back against the chair and groaned, Ugh, that's what you humans always say. And this is, like, entry level stuff. See, this is why I stopped trying to reveal my true form.

When Barbara had been taught that God was a being beyond human comprehension, she had to admit this wasn't what she had in mind. She was pretty sure that this wasn't what anyone in her faith had in mind. Ok,Barbara said as she placed the pieces together, so am I just stuck in another universe? Is the version of me in the universe where... Melissa didn't get there first, is she, I mean, am I, I mean... is that version of me dead?

God Ava folded her hands on her desk. Nah, so I did what I always do when I think I messed something up, I put her in a coma. Lights on, nobody home while I figure out what to do.

Barbara didn't want to think about how common it was for people to fall into a coma.

God Ava continued, So, here's the deal, since I messed up and you now know about the whole alternate universe deal, which like, technically you're not supposed to know about because of the whole beyond human comprehension deal, I'm gonna give you a choice. You can either stay in the new universe or go back to the old one.

Barbara blinked. Wait, do I have to choose right now?

God Ava wrinkled her nose. Me no. Ha, sorry, love doing that. Anyway, you humans are terrible about making decisions on the spot. That's how y'all scam each other so easily. Which is hilarious. So much more entertaining than the dinosaurs. I am so glad I threw that meteor at them. The screeching was getting so annoying.

Apparently God was also as easy to distract as Ava was.

Alright, so if I'm not choosing now, how long do I have?

God Ava blinked as her brain went back to the initial discussion. Yeah, so other you will be in a coma... how long are people normally in comas for?

Barbara couldn't believe she was being asked by God how long people were normally in comas. Weren't they His (or Her in this case) creation? Shouldn't God know about Their own creation?

I don't know, a week?Barbara had no clue, but that seemed reasonable. Besides, the longer she was in a coma, the worse it would be for Melissa and Gerald and everyone else in her initial universe.

God Ava nodded. Alright, sounds good. So, here's the deal, Barb, I send you back down to the Melissa got there first universe. You're gonna live there for a week, sus out the vibe and all that. Then, at the end of the week, I'm gonna give you an injury that could reasonably be fatal. Like you could come back, but let's be real, you probably won't. And no outrunning fate. If you stay home, I'll make a piano fall on your head like Looney Tunes, I do not care. So, at the end of that week, I'll bring you back in, you tell me which universe you wanna stay in, and I'll get you settled in that universe for real.

Barbara looked incredulously, What does that mean? Getting settled for real?

God Ava huffed as she explained, So, obviously, right now, up until the fall, you have your memories from one universe. But, from today out, you're going to have your memories from this universe. When you chose your universe, you're only going to have memories from that universe. So, you choose the Melissa one, you're gonna get all the memories of your life with her yadda yadda, but you'll lose all your memories of being married to Gerald and all that. Reverse is also true, if you go back to your first universe, you'll lose the memory of this universe. And obviously, whichever universe you don't choose will be the one you die in.

That made Barbara's stomach clench. In both universes she had families. She had daughters and a spouse. She had coworkers that looked up to her. People would be hurt if she died. And there was no way to stop it. Barbara solemnly nodded and asked, Alright, so, can I ask you some questions about this universe?

God Ava shrugged, Only got the broad strokes in my notes, but ask away.

Barbara asked, So, how exactly did Melissa get there first? Does that mean we met before I met Gerald? Or did we just get closer–

Right with the first one. You met Melissa Schemmenti on her first day at Abbott Elementary, hated her for about a week, nearly got caught making out in the janitor's closet by the end of the month. Damn girl, you go quick. So basically, the only event that makes this universe different was, the night you met Gerald your original universe, remember how you weren't feeling that well, but you dragged yourself out of the house anyway to go to that jazz club?

It was a slightly foggy memory, but Barbara still kept it. That was what she used any time she didn't want to do something. She reminded herself she had no desire to go out the night she met her future husband playing the double bass. I do, yes.

Yeah, so in this universe, you didn't go out. You started school, and a few weeks later, you finally went to that jazz club. Obviously, you were already hooking up with Mellie on the dl, so even though you and Gerald had a connection, you guys just became friends instead.

Barbara paused to process everything God Ava had told her and asked, So, am I different in this universe? I can't imagine myself going that fast in a relationship. I mean, Gerald and I waited until our wedding night.

God Ava closed her laptop and said, Look, everyone's the same in every alternate universe. It's just you make a slightly different decision. And you're boring! In almost every universe, you're a kindergarten teacher. Meanwhile, this person, God Ava motioned to herself, there's a universe she's an astronaut, there's one where she's a CEO, there's one where she ran a crypto scam and got away with it, another where she ran a crypto scam and didn't get away with it. That SEC trial was wild. Hell, there's one where she's queen of the world. Granted, she's queen of the world after it's razed by a string of apocalyptic natural disasters, but still. And even Melissa, there's one where she's Philly's first female firefighter, a few where she's in the mob, another where she's a bouncer who retires and becomes a bartender, and meanwhile, you're a damn kindergarten teacher in most except for one where you're a mob wife. And even then, your cover is a kindergarten teacher. You're as consistent as they come. You don't change at all. You're almost as boring as the dinosaurs. The only thing you got going for you is one of the two people you're bound to is actually interesting.

Wait, what do you mean bound to?

God Ava looked increasingly more annoyed. You know how I said everyone's the same in every universe? Yeah, so, there's certain people that you will always love. The love might look different, but it'll always be there and you'll always find each other. Like you, you're always gonna love Melissa and Gerald. The love's gonna look different in the different universes, obviously, but it's always there. For creatures with free will, y'all are so predictable. At least Ava's interesting, even though she's always gonna love Janine in every life. Like why'd she have to pick her? Whatever, point is, everyone is the same. Anyway, looks like it's almost time for you to wake up, have fun having morning sex with your wife.

Barbara was about to protest or at least be flustered in some kind of way, but then the world faded around her, and she slid back into the reality where Melissa's arm was slung around her waist.

Chapter Text

Melissa stirred and smiled up at her wife.

Mornin' baby.

Barbara couldn't keep the smile off her face if she'd tried. She couldn't believe her blessings, that she'd been transported to a universe where this was happening. Where this wasn't forbidden or something tragically out of reach. She was her's and she was her's.

Good morning, love.

Barbara began languidly running her nails up and down Melissa's back and she could feel the stretch of Melissa's smile on her clavicle. She leaned up, almost about to kiss her, when she jumped back as if she'd been burned. Barbara was about to ask if everything was alright when Melissa said, Fuck, sorry, you hate when I don't brush my teeth. I'll be back.

Without another word, Melissa scurried out of bed, and Barbara joined her. She wasn't about to expect Melissa to brush her teeth and not do the same. She was about to enter the bathroom adjoining their bedroom, but while this Melissa had probably seen her brush her teeth hundreds of times over, this version of Barbara wasn't about to have Melissa see that just yet. She just wasn't there. So, instead, she padded over to the main bathroom and raised her eyebrows when she saw what was clearly her toothbrush and toothpaste next to the sink. So, she slept so often in the guest bedroom that her bathroom supplies had migrated here? This other universe version of Barbara was an utter fool.

When Barbara returned to their bedroom, Melissa was on the bed, eyes closed, under the covers but with a hand clearly between her legs. Barbara stared for a second, enraptured by this woman who chased her pleasure so easily and wantonly. When Melissa opened her eyes, she saw her wife and sheepishly smiled. Barbara smiled back and slunk towards the bed saying, Please, don't stop on my account. Heavens, you're gorgeous. She crawled into bed and smiled at her wife. How lucky am I.

Melissa's face darkened and her hand slowed. At first, Barbara was scared she'd somehow offended Melissa (although how she wasn't sure) but then she saw the expression on Melissa's face was something closer to hurt.

Thanks. Wouldn't know it by the way you've been lately. I've practically had to throw myself at you, and even when I do you say you've got a headache.

Barbara wasn't sure if her heart was breaking or filling with rage. How could any version of her let things deteriorate this far? How could she ever make Melissa, her Melissa, feel so hurt and full of doubt? Did she not know how good she had it? Did she not know how there were other universes where she wished, where she practically prayed, to have what was currently right in front of her?

Well, I must have been an utter fool because I should have never made you feel that way. But I'm here now, and I have no intention of going anywhere. And just to prove her point, Barbara's hand joined Melissa's between her legs.

Oh god, Melissa sobbed, I love you, baby. Fuck. Just, oh god, just being touched by you. Oh god.Melissa's eyes scrunched closed and her breathing became closer to panting. I've missed this so much.

Barbara was barely even doing anything, mostly just letting Melissa thrust against her fingers and applying pressure in a way that made her breaths stutter into gasps. Barbara wasn't quite sure what she was doing. It wasn't like she'd ever been with a woman, and in all honesty, she was hardly an active participant when it came to being with Gerald. So she blindly felt her way around, using her free hand to pull Melissa close by the nape of her neck and kiss her as best as she could.

I'm so close, Melissa moaned, You got me so close. Just keep, fuck, keep doing what you're doing.

Barbara wasn't doing a whole lot by her standards, but it seemed to be eliciting a positive reaction from Melissa, which was all she cared about. She kissed her neck and her chin, letting her spare hand scratch lines up and down Melissa's back. Then, Melissa's hips stuttered and Barbara watched in awe as her back arched and a high-pitched whine left her lips.

After a few minutes of basking in the afterglow, Barbara's stomach growled in protest, and the pair of them giggled as they ambled downstairs and Melissa made breakfast while Barbara made coffee.

Here, I made your favorite. Melissa put a plate of sunny side up eggs, toast cut diagonally, half with jam and half just with butter, and some cut up strawberries in front of her. Barbara gratefully looked up at her wife. Thank you, honey.

Then, she saw Melissa take what was presumably her plate of food from the kitchen, past the dining room, and into the living room. Barbara looked around, confused, and asked, Are you not having breakfast with me?

Melissa looked up, just as confused, from the couch. Um, do you want me to?

Barbara blinked at what sounded like a ridiculous question. Of course. Unless you don't?

Melissa shook her head as she picked up her plate. Nah, I'd love to, you just hate how I sound when I eat.

Barbara was starting to question God Ava. How could this Barbara hate the sound of Melissa eating when she sat next to Melissa every lunch? Not to mention all the times they shared dinner together. She had never even come close to hating the way she sounded when she ate. There was no way this version of Barbara was the same.

After the pair had finished breakfast and Melissa had cleared the plates, she was about to say something to Barbara when her phone started buzzing.

What the– sorry, lemme take this babe.

Barbara migrated to the living room and sat down on the plastic covered sofa while Melissa was on the phone. She couldn't make out the words, but she knew that irritated tone anywhere.

I'm so fuckin mad. I told them I was gonna be out today. So, for some ungodly reason they got Ashley to sub for my class and all hell's broke loose. So, now they need me to go and get everything back under control. I, uh, I think Gerald said he doesn't have a shift today. I'll get him to come over and I'll leave for school. Just, ya know, given you just came back from the hospital after a head injury, don't wanna leave ya alone just yet.

Barbara smiled up at her wife. Of course, dear. I'm sorry you can't take the full day.

Melissa's expression softened when she saw Barbara. Me too. How 'bout this, I pick up some stuff from the store on the way home and I'll cook youse dinner. That sound alright to you?

If Gerald's ok babysitting me all day, I'm fine with it.

Melissa smirked while presumably calling Gerald. Ha, trust me, that won't be a problem with him. After a few seconds, she said, Hey, Ger, they need me at Abbott, you mind comin' over and looking after Barb while I go in? Ok, yeah, lemme know when you're on your way– oh, you're out the door now? Great. I'll let her know. Yeah, thanks, you too, bye.

Melissa turned around and said, Well, Ger's gonna be here soon, I'll go get dressed into some actual teacher clothes. Melissa was about to walk away to go back up the stairs when Barbara called out.

Before you do, come over here.

Melissa cocked an eyebrow but did as she was told. As soon as she was in reaching distance, Barbara grabbed her hand and pulled her close. You need to pay the toll before I let you go upstairs.

Melissa had an amused smile on her face. Yeah? How much is it?

Barbara craned her head upwards and Melissa leaned down. Barbara murmured, A small, negligible toll really. Just something to get me through the day.

Barbara could feel the stretch of Melissa's smile against her lips. Fuck, I've missed you so much, baby.

Maybe Barbara wasn't the best influence when she opened her mouth and tried to pull her deeper, but Melissa whined and pulled back. Fuck, it is killing me to do this, but I gotta go. Rain check?

Barbara just liked seeing how desperate Melissa was for her. If you're good, you'll get your treat, don't worry.

Melissa bit her lip and grinned. I'll be on my best behavior.

Barbara decided to press her luck and replied, Good girl.

Melissa groaned as she walked up the stairs, Now that's just cruel.

Barbara laughed to herself and got up to look around the room. Of course, this was partially Melissa's house, so it was covered in pictures. That had to be a good place to start to figure out her life with Melissa.

Some photos she recognized. The ones that never had her in the first place never changed. There were still the photos of a young Melissa and Kristen Marie. But the later photos. There was one of Barbara in a hospital gown, exhausted yet clearly elated to be holding her daughter in her arms with Melissa sitting next to the bed. There was one where they were all at Disney world, right in front of Cinderella's castle. Taylor had to be around nine or ten, which meant Gina was four or five. Melissa held Gina on her hip while Taylor stood in front of Barbara. Lord, they looked so happy. She could have this life. She could be the woman who got the one she loved the first time around. She could have this with her. She saw a photo that looked like a wedding photo except they were definitely much older than the women in the Disney photo. Oh, right. They were both women. They couldn't get married until the mid 2010s.

Barbara looked a bit closer at that one. Melissa looked happy, ecstatic even, and Barbara, well, she looked happy, but she knew her own expressions too well.

What on earth?

You are marrying the woman of your dreams, you idiot. You won the lottery, and you can't be bothered to crack a full smile?

Stupid girl.

Maybe she was just tired.

Barbara heard the lock turn, and turned around to see Gerald walk through the door.

Hey, Bee. How are you feeling?

Barbara felt another wave of relief. Another consistency between the two worlds.

Fine. Mostly just home out of an abundance of caution more than anything else.

Gerald shared his own bit of relief on his own face. Glad to hear it. We were worried about you. Did you like the soup I made? I've been tweaking that soup recipe for the last few months.

Just as eager to please too.

Loved it, thank you for making it. I'm sure Melissa also appreciated having a hot dinner ready when we got home.

Melissa bounded down the stairs, applying lipstick and nearly tripping over her feet. Careful, Barbara sternly looked at her wife.

Melissa sheepishly grinned at her. Yeah, I know, I shoulda been the one who conked my head yesterday. Anyway, thanks for comin' over Ger, I'll let youse know when I'm on my way home! Oh, and lemme know what you wanna eat and I'll grab the ingredients from the grocery store.

Gerald and Melissa shared a somewhat icy hug, as if they were only performing a warm relationship for Barbara. Another thing for her to dig into. She wasn't sure Gerald ever particularly resented Melissa in the Barbara Howard universe. If anything, he was very permissive and loved how happy she made his wife. Well, Melissa was always a little more territorial.

So, Gerald started, how are you actually feeling?

Barbara looked at the man who was presumably her long time best friend. Fine, I just she had to tell someone. She needed someone to know. At the same time, she couldn't outright say I'm actually from an alternate universe and I have a week to figure out if I want to stay here or die and go back to my universe. But she needed someone she trusted to know at least some level of this.

So, I... I think I have some strange sort of combination of hallucination and amnesia because I know people and places in my life but... they're not always the right memories.

Gerald sat on the couch and patted the seat next to him. Barbara's expression softened as she sat down and Gerald asked, Have you asked the doctor about this?

Barbara shook her head. I just want to see if it passes before going there. But, um, anyway, so I remember things, but I don't know if they're real, if that makes sense. I know some things are different, but not everything and I don't know how far it goes.

Gerald furrowed his brows, clearly trying to make sense of what Barbara was saying. Okay, I'm not quite following. Do you have an example?

Might as well just tell him the source of the difference.

So in both univ– in my memories and in real life, you're the father of my two daughters. But in my memories, you're my husband and Melissa is my best friend.

Gerald gave a slightly uncomfortable laugh. Don't tell Melissa that.

Without even knowing the full story, Barbara could piece together how that would strike a nerve with her. Hence why Gerald was the one she was confiding in. Right, well, that's why I'm feeling my way around to figure out what's in my head and what's real.

Gerald nodded, now understanding the source of Barbara's apparent confusion. Yeah, I mean, I do understand how your brain might... how that wire would get crossed. Hell, if we'd met before you met Melissa, I could see us doing that. But thank god we didn't.

Barbara blinked. What do you mean? Do you... did I do something? Do you not like me or—

Gerald smiled and shook his head, No, Bee, it's not... I love you, just only as friends. I said that because we're both gay.

Chapter Text

That night, when Barbara went to sleep, she was back in Ava's office. Well, technically God Ava's office (did that mean she was in heaven?).

What am I doing here? I thought you said I had a week?

God Ava rolled her eyes and swiveled in her chair as she put down her phone. Relax, you do. I just wanted to see how you were doing. This is the funniest thing I've done since making people think it's the Bernstein Bears.

Barbara furrowed her brow. What do you mean?

God Ava snorted, It's the Berenstain Bears, and it's always been that. Damn, Barb, thought you taught Kindergarten. You of all people should know this. Whatever, it's actually just because alternate universes sometimes bleed over. I coulda made the boundaries a bit more firm, but this is way more fun. So, how was your first full day?

Despite how much God Ava got on Barbara's nerves, she was happy to have an audience with her. She needed to set the record straight. Actually, I just wanted to tell you that you clearly lied yesterday.

God Ava shot daggers at Barbara. Uh, no I didn't. And may I remind you just because I took the form of the principal that has a slight crush on you, I am still God. So, you better be careful what accusations you throw around. Anyway, what do you think I lied about?

Barbara wasn't even in the space to process that throwaway crush comment, but she definitely put a pin in it to revisit later. Instead, unlike certain other people she knew, she kept to the task at hand, proving God wrong. Everyone being the same in every universe.

God Ava shot right back. Uh, I didn't lie about that. That's why certain people are bound to each other. They wouldn't be bound if they kept changing up who they were. Although, honestly, I shoulda made you all change it up a little. Woulda made things more interesting. But unfortunately I didn't and I don't care enough to go back and change it. So yeah, you're all the same.

Barbara crossed her arms, Then why is Gerald gay here?

Because he is.

Barbara huffed, We're married. For thirty years we've been married. And he said I was gay too! How can two supposedly homosexual people be married for thirty years?

God Ava snorted, You seriously asking me that?

It took everything for Barbara to not shoot God Ava a look of her own. Yes, I am seriously asking you that. We're not– I'm not– two people can't be married for that long and be gay.

I mean, you're objectively wrong. People are married for decades then realize they're gay all the time. It's kinda cute how long you humans can be in denial.

Barbara got up and started to pace. Well, maybe in the case of unhappy marriages. But Gerald and I... we're happy. We created a loving home and brought up two daughters who are both doing pretty well for themselves. And they were not begotten through a turkey baster.

God Ava rolled her eyes. Ya know, you're gettin' real bold for someone who's facing off against an omniscient being. Okay, so you did your husbandly and wifely duties and you got an A plus in the form of a respectable number of children. And remind me, how quickly did your sex life taper off?

Barbara sputtered, That's not– that's just a product of being married for that long! That doesn't mean– Ava, Barbara's voice went down even though she knew this wasn't actually Abbott, if you're God and you know everything, you should know I... I don't possess that kind of desire. That's just who I am. And Gerald is a good husband and was very understanding that I just, I don't have that kind of drive.

Barbara almost wanted to strangle God Ava for the laugh she was barely holding back.

Yeah, uh, tell that to the sex marathons you're having with Melissa as soon as you're alone in this universe. You couldn't keep your paws off her to save your life. And need I remind you about that one PECSA?

Barbara's cheeks darkened as she pouted. That was– we were both drunk and away from our husbands and... you know... people have needs.

God Ava threw her head back against her chair. Baaaarb, follow your own logic. You've been married to a man for thirty years, yet you haven't done anything more than cuddle and occasionally kiss in, what, five years? And even before that, you're having lights off vanilla sex that you both dissociate through. Meanwhile, in this universe, you're practically a horny teenager, and in even in the Gerald universe, if you're away from home and with Melissa, you have a couple drinks and suddenly you're drunk enough to grind up on her in the bed you share because of some made up excuse of saving money. Besides, drunk people don't have the dexterity to do what you were doing with your fingers. Trust me.

Barbara crossed her arms. God Ava was clearly wrong. This version of her had to be different. There is no way she would be nearly caught (in a janitor's closet of all places!) in the arms of another woman. There was no way that just because Melissa had met her before Gerald that her entire life was so different. Did knowing Gerald temper her attraction that much? Besides, it wasn't like she pursued him and he was a passive participant. He pursued her just as much. They spent so much time together! They adored each other's company and wanted to get married (ignore the part where they both were too exhausted to do anything on their wedding night).

Even if God Ava was right about their... same sex attraction, that didn't have to mean they were exclusively attracted. She loved Gerald! Gerald loved her!

But didn't Gerald also love her in this new universe?

Barbara's brain was still fuzzy as she faded into consciousness. She reached over to the other side of the bed, except this time where she expected a warm body she felt only cold sheets. Barbara frowned and opened her eyes.

Nothing.

Maybe she went downstairs to make us breakfast?

Melissa? Are you downstairs?

Maybe she didn't hear me?

Melissa! Honey?

The house responded with silence.

Why wouldn't she wake me up to tell me she was leaving?

Maybe she went out to run some errands and thought she'd be back before I woke up?

She rolled over to the other side and felt around for her phone (that admittedly she'd barely looked at since the fall) and pulled up Melissa's contact.

Just woke up. Where are you?

A few minutes later, her phone buzzed with a response.

I told you, I was going to that Temple game with Gary.

Barbara scowled. Melissa knew that she couldn't remember basic, foundational things about her life, yet she just assumed she would remember some social plans?

Why would you expect me to remember plans you made before my fall when you know I've been having memory issues?

It's fine. Melissa was a little absent-minded. That's just who she was.

I'm sorry. Look, we can talk about this when I get home.

Barbara sighed.

Ok. Have fun at your game.

Then Barbara's stomach dropped as she processed what Melissa said in the context of this universe. She was out with Gary.

She wasn't going to cry. It didn't have to mean– just because they were one thing in one universe didn't mean– Barbara had to practically push her into his arms. Surely if they were married, she didn't push, and if she didn't push, then surely that meant that it wouldn't be...

Gerald? Are you busy?

Barbara heard something that sounded like a door opening and closing. Just doing some yard work. What's going on? You don't sound ok.

She couldn't process this here. She couldn't risk Melissa walking in on this.

Can you pick me up and I can keep you company while you do yard work?

Do you one better. I pick you up, we get hoagies at Wawa, and we have lunch back at mine?

Barbara smiled at another cross-universal constant. No matter the circumstances, Gerald always knew what could make Barbara feel better.

I would love that. I'm still in bed so take your time coming over.

Of course. I have a key so you take your time as well.

Barbara could feel her voice crack a little as she said, Ok, I'll see you then. Thank you, Gerald.

Of course, Bee.

Barbara hung up and swung her legs around so she was sitting upright on her side of the bed. Why did this feel familiar? Why did she want to cry? She didn't know if it was anything. People go to football games with their friends all the time. Melissa had done other things and even forgotten plans all the time. That's why Barbara had gotten into the habit of texting Melissa the day before. Still, there was something about this that cut deeper than a rational response would. Like it was triggering a phantom wound.

Barbara was not about to cry. It wasn't rational. It wasn't proportionate.

Maybe she was about to cry, but she wouldn't let it devolve into sobs.

Maybe there would be a handful of sobs, but nothing out of control.

Maybe she needed to double over and have it out, but she'd get it together before Gerald arrived.

Barbara had managed to put on some clothes by the time she heard the door open.

Barb! I'm downstairs, but you take your time. I'll just sit on the couch.

Barbara put on a simple string of pearls and came down the stairs. Gerald was sitting on the couch on his phone, but looked up when he heard her footsteps. Hey, Bee. So, wanna get out of here?

Please.

They both went into Gerald's car, a sensible tan Camry hybrid, and drove down to Wawa. Barbara got a garden salad and Gerald got a meatball hoagie. When they came back to Gerald's place, they walked through the door into his dining room.

Barbara had to admit, it was strange seeing what Gerald's house would look like if he'd never married her. It was cozy. Less decorated than Barbara's tastes, but still. It was unassuming yet comfortable. It was the kind of place where you could curl up and let the sound of a football game or a tv show lull you to sleep. It was him.

Gerald fished Barbara's salad and fork out of the plastic bag and he got out his hoagie. If this were her house, she'd give Gerald a look for using the paper hoagie wrapping as a kind of plate, but it wasn't her house.

But she wasn't sure if Melissa's place was her house either. That's the thing with combining two women with strong personalities.

So, talk to me, Bee. What was I hearing over the phone?

Barbara shook her head. It's not... I don't know what's wrong with me.

Gerald sighed, Barbara Lee Schemmenti, what have I told you about judging your emotions?

That was something that was still jarring to Barbara. Her name wasn't Howard. Mrs. Howard, kindergarten teacher and Woman of God, didn't exist here. Barbara picked at her salad and said, I didn't know Melissa was going to be at a football game today and... well, Gerald, can I ask you something?

Gerald looked a bit uneasy but answered, Sure.

Barbara couldn't even look up at him. She had to know but she didn't want to know. She wanted to stay oblivious, but also knew the oblivion would eat at her. Is there something going on between her and Gary?

Instantly, Gerald answered, No, there isn't.

Barbara looked up. Oh, that was quick.

Gerald had a pained expression when he said, Yeah, because you told me you checked.

Barbara cocked an eyebrow. What do you mean I checked?

Barbara wanted to strangle the man and the way he was clearly calculating what to say. Just tell me the unvarnished truth, damn it!

You, um, went through her phone and her facebook messages and her email.

Barbara was puzzled as to why she would go to such great lengths. She'd never had the urge to do that with Gerald, and she never even had the urge to even do that with Melissa. Even when she was, in retrospect, more than a bit jealous.

The only thing that's different is that Melissa got there first.

Barbara knew why she would do all that.

I'm scared to ask, but it's going to eat at me until I do. By the way, I am sorry the way I'm putting you in the middle of all this.

Gerald shook his head. I've already been here, Bee, don't worry.

Barbara braced herself for the next question she had to ask. Joe Peterson... is that someone that is a part of... is he just in my head or does he exist here too?

Gerald deflated as he answered, Yeah, uh, he exists. But he's not... I promise you he is not a part of your life or Melissa's anymore.

Barbara looked up at Gerald with a stern expression. Gerald, I know you're not telling me the full truth. He's not a part of our lives now but how was he a part of our lives?

Gerald gave an intimidated chuckle. Even with a head injury, you still see right through me. Yeah, um, so with Gary, it's probably the emotional part of your brain is farther along than the tangible memory part of your brain. Joe and Melissa kinda, um...

Barbara put down her fork and met Gerald's gaze. Gerald Howard, out with it. Stop trying to protect me.

Gerald put down his hoagie and tore off the band-aid. She cheated on you with him. That's why you have such a strong reaction to Gary. But that was, he moved to Florida, like, nine years ago. And Melissa hasn't had any contact with him.

Barbara took a shaky breath. She didn't smoke, but she wished she had a cigarette right now. Do we know this because I constantly check her phone?

Gerald shrugged, For the first year, yeah, but the guy changed his number and Melissa lost interest. You hadn't really, you didn't go through that effort until Melissa started getting close with Gary.

Barbara looked down at her salad and suddenly she wasn't so hungry. She knew from her own universe what Melissa was like. She knew that Joseph was not the only guilty party when it came to infidelity in Melissa's own marriage. But at least that felt warranted. He deserved it on some level. He never treated her the way she deserved. Barbara was certain that he cheated first before she cheated on him.

Maybe she'd given her best friend too much grace.

Maybe Joseph had been just as hurt as Melissa.

Barbara's heart sank at another cross-universal constant. Melissa would always sabotage her own marriage.

So, Gerald said, in a clear attempt to change the subject, do you remember you have family dinner tomorrow night?

Barbara shook her head. No, I didn't. She paused, almost embarrassed to ask her question, What are my girls like? I mean, I assume Taylor won't be there since she lives in New York City. And what about Gina? Is she in that engineering program at Drexel?

The look Gerald had made Barbara's stomach drop. And the longer the pause, the more Barbara worried. What on earth happened to her girls in this universe? Well, your brain made up a completely different universe. I guess, better you asking me than finding out tomorrow.

Barbara swallowed, Ok, so what's the truth about them?

Gerald looked down at the hoagie wrapping paper and said, Well, Taylor lives in Philly. She's always lived in Philly. There was a point, after she graduated, where she got an offer for a really good marketing job that was based in New York City, which I guess is what your brain latched on to, but she didn't take it.

Barbara furrowed her brow, Why not? It was exactly– wasn't it exactly what she wanted to be doing?

Gerald sadly smiled, Mhmm, I tried telling her she should take it, but she just couldn't leave Philly. Gina was staying with her, and she knew if she left, she'd have to leave Gina behind and she just couldn't do that.

Barbara pushed her salad around, almost afraid of asking more questions. But again, especially if this dinner was happening, she had to know. But, Gina was in high school while Taylor was in college. There's five years between them.

Gerald sighed. Well, um, things were touch and go with Gina when she was in high school. She butted heads with both of you, and she ended up staying with Taylor a lot. She had to retake a year because she kept skipping class so much. You really came down on her for that and she, um, didn't take it well.

Barbara could barely look up at her best friend as she asked, I'm scared to ask what you mean by didn't take it well.

You know, there's no need to get into all of this, the two of you are doing a lot better now.

That did absolutely nothing to calm Barbara down. Gerald, please, hiding these things from me isn't helping.

Gerald pursed his lips. Well, look, things between you and Melissa were fragile at best, and Gina knew that. You tried to hide from her how much... the extent of what Melissa had done. To you, at least, you didn't want the damage done to your relationship to affect their relationship with her. But, well, you can only hide so much when you all live under the same roof. Uh, well, ok, she basically said why should she listen to you when you couldn't even get your own wife to listen to you, and that she hated living with one parent who took out her control issues on her and another who barely noticed her because she was out scr- um, sleeping with other people. She kind of hit a nerve and set off your temper and you kind of kicked her out and she went to live with Taylor. You tried to make up, but, hey, look, you're starting to... put it this way, she's mostly voluntarily coming to Sunday dinner, and it's a start.

Barbara blinked and did the math in her head. But she's 24 now. Gerald, has it taken this long to just start healing?

Barbara wanted to scream from the way Gerald looked at her.

Stop trying to protect me! If I've treated my own blood this poorly, I deserve to hurt.

Gina inherited your stubbornness. Barbara, focus on the good. The two of you are genuinely starting to have a healthy relationship. And Gina's always had Taylor and me, as much as that infuriated Melissa.

Another question Barbara didn't want to ask. What do you mean, as much as that infuriated Melissa?

Gerald crumpled up the wrapping paper. She's always... well, she's always been insecure about me being a part of the girls' lives. Like me being somewhat of a parental figure made her less of a parent. Look, it's all in the past, ok? For dinner, what you need to know is Taylor teaches English at South Philadelphia High School and Gina is... I mean so far she's held down her job at that AMC theater for almost a year, which is movement in the right direction. Although she did curse out her manager once. Lucky for her he got fired by the regional manager a week later for unrelated reason.

Barbara couldn't believe what she was hearing. How could the girls that she raised with Melissa be so divergent from the children she raised with Gerald? How had they fallen so far? Taylor didn't want to be a teacher. That wasn't where her heart was (despite being so much like her mother in other aspects). Gina was supposed to excel at school, to get into a highly competitive graduate program and grow smarter than either of her parents. Now it was progress that she was holding down a job for a full year and there was no way she was living up to her potential.

Thank you for not taking it personally how little I remember. And I do appreciate you walking me through my own life, even if it's hard to tell me.

Gerald gave a tight smile. Of course, Bee. You're my best friend, and I'd do anything for you.

Barbara hesitated and asked one more thing. Gerald, has anything ever um, have we ever, did anything ever happen between us?

Gerald cocked an eyebrow. What you mean like, did we ever sleep together?

Barbara's cheeks darkened. Yes, like did anything, um, romantic ever happen?

Gerald nodded and said, You kissed me once, forever ago when you and Melissa had gotten into an argument. That's it. And that's kinda how we both confirmed that we're both gay.

Right, ok. Thank you, Gerald.

In a couple hours, Gerald drove Barbara back home and she hated the relief she felt when she saw Melissa's car wasn't in the driveway yet. As if she were the one having an affair. But she wasn't. She couldn't. If her and Gerald were both gay, how could there possibly be an affair? It wasn't like her and Gerald had ever slept together. They'd kissed once. That hardly constituted infidelity, at least not to the extreme that Melissa had committed it.

Barbara slipped off her shoes, went upstairs to their bedroom, laid down on top of the covers, and cried. This was supposed to be the happily ever after she prayed she would have. Things were supposed to be better if she married the person she actually loved, not worse. She was supposed to be happy with Melissa, to be the two elementary school teachers still madly in love after all these years. She wasn't supposed to give her two daughters so tumultuous a home that Taylor felt the need to step in as Gina's other parent. None of this was right. This couldn't be right. There had to be something wrong. There had to be more differences than Melissa got there first. She couldn't accept this is what would happen if she had been true to herself from the beginning. There had to be more. There had to be more.

Barbara woke up from a dreamless sleep when she heard the door open and close. Barb! You here?

Barbara laid still and silent. She couldn't tell you why.

After a few seconds, Melissa said, Ok, in the clear.

Barbara's heart sank. Is this what they were? Had they become little more than each other's wardens?

Barbara could hear a second pair of footsteps and her heart skipped a beat when she heard something soft that sounded an awful lot like a kiss.

Gar– fuck, I, it's not that I don't wanna. But I'm married. I'm sorry. Is this... is this how you've felt about me the whole time?

I only felt about you the way you felt about me.

Well then, you're clearly makin' stuff up. Because I don't feel that way about you.

Thirty seconds ago you said it's not that you don't wanna! So explain to me how you don't feel this thing between us, yet you want it.

Gar, fuck, I... I'm trying with Barb. Honest, I am. And people want dumb things all the time. So maybe I want people that ain't her. Doesn't mean I'm gonna pursue them. And if you're gonna... I can't know you feel this way and be around you. I'm sorry. And it's not fair to you, but I just... I have shit self-control. It wouldn't take a lot and I can't... I can't risk it.

There was a moment of silence, then Gary said dejectedly, So, is this it? No more football games? No more nights out at Chickie's and Pete's?

Melissa just as sorrowfully said, That's just how it's gotta be. I really am sorry.

The door opened and closed and Barbara could hear sniffles and held back sobs. She almost wanted to go downstairs and tell her to just be with him. If what Gerald said was true, it's not like they were happy together the way she seemed happy with him.

Barbara was so lost in her own thoughts, she didn't hear footsteps coming up the stairs. She just barely heard the door open.

Fuck.

Barbara turned from her one side to the other so she could face the door. Melissa stood frozen in the doorway.

Um, how much of that did you hear?

Barbara pursed her lips and said, I'm sorry that this is what we are.

Melissa crawled into bed and laid on her side facing Barbara. I am too.

Barbara steeled herself and asked, Why are you still here if it hurts this much?

Melissa's eyes shimmered and her cheeks got red. I guess, even with everything, I still love you. And love hurts sometimes, doesn't it?

Barbara looked down and said in a voice just louder than a whisper, It shouldn't.

Melissa gave a resigned shrug. Well, there's a lotta things that should be the case in this world that aren't. Doesn't change reality. I, uh, I am sorry I left you alone today.

Barbara shook her head. It's fine. I ended up spending the afternoon with Gerald.

Melissa's nostrils flared and she took a very pointed breath. Right, course you did.

Barbara sighed. Well, what was I supposed to do, Melissa? Just sit around all day waiting for you to come home? You were out with someone, why can't I do the same? Am I not allowed to have friends?

Melissa's sorrow began to morph as she growled, Because there's friends and there's him.

Barbara scoffed, How is he different? It's not like there's any chance of romance. It's not like I have to worry about a lack of self-control, lest I climb him like a tree. Besides, my memory is starting to come back and let me tell you Melissa, you have no room to talk about who I should and shouldn't spend my time with.

Melissa sat up and ran a hand through her hair, You know, you do this every single fucking time. I cannot bring up a single goddamn criticism without you bringing up what I did. Like you're forever beyond reproach or some shit because I fucked up.

Barbara got up and paced around the bedroom. It's not that I'm beyond reproach, it's that–

No, Barb, it is. It is that you're beyond reproach when I'm the one sayin' it. And fuck, here's the thing, Melissa got up and Barbara stopped in her tracks, it takes two to tango. Yeah, ok, I fucked Joe. I ain't saying I'm perfect. Never once said I was. But how do you think we got to that point? At least Joe didn't really mean anything to me. He's just a damn good lay, and I ain't gonna apologize for sayin' that. Gerald on the other hand, Melissa scoffed, well, you two would be on the phone for literal hours. Texting back and forth while I'm just sitting there hoping that maybe somehow I'd be good enough for you. Like some fuckin' chump on the sidelines while he was the one who heard about everything you were excited about and he was the one you vented to about work. Barbara, you bitched to him about us and then you wanna act all surprised when I don't wanna stick around? You may not've fucked him, but you did everything short of it, and you were doin' it long before I even met Joe.

Barbara crossed her arms, Melissa, it's not my fault that you chose to sleep with him. That is a choice that you made, not some inevitable force of nature you have no control over.

Melissa indignantly shot back, Were you not listening when I said I ain't perfect?! Because I said that. I own my role in this, but you sure as shit don't. And you wanna know why we're here? Why we are the way we are that you supposedly feel so sorry for? Because you will never admit your faults. And how the fuck are we supposed to heal when you won't ever admit there's something wrong with you?

Barbara shook her head, I can't believe you're saying there's something wrong with me when, Barbara took a breath, you have no right to say that.

Melissa threw up her hands, Yeah, I don't have the right to do anything in this goddamn house! I have been... I've been trying so fucking hard for twelve goddamn years to get back to where we were. I have given it everything, Melissa's voice cracked, fucking everything. I have done every single thing you've asked, sacrificed everything for you. And none of it is enough for you. I'm not enough for you, and I'm starting to wonder if I ever was. Maybe I was just your good lay and you made the mistake of marrying me.

Barbara felt like she'd been stabbed. Is our marriage a mistake to you?

Melissa shook her head and said with a lot more hurt than anger, It's not a mistake to me, but I'm not the one who moved into the guest bedroom.

Barbara's heart sank when she saw just how resigned Melissa was. How the fight had been drained out of her. As long as she was here and she didn't have the scars that the original Barbara Schemmenti had, she could try to mend what was clearly broken. Well, Barbara approached her like she would approach a wounded animal, I'm not in the guest bedroom now, am I?

Melissa shook her head, even though her arms were still crossed and she was still staring at the ground. Barbara gently touched her arm and said, I'm sorry, Melissa. How about we... let's stop going in circles. I'm in our bedroom now and when I'm with you, I won't be with him. You come first, ok? He's still my friend and the father of our children, but you're my wife. I married you, not him, and I refuse to regret that choice. So, how about we start over?

Melissa looked up at Barbara with a timid smile. I'd really like that. I ain't sayin' you can't be friends or nothin'. It's just hard, you know? But, look, I'm sorry. I overreacted. Of course you'd spend the afternoon with him when I'm at a football game.

Barbara nodded. Thank you for that. And thank you for being willing to start over. Besides, I may have spent the afternoon with Gerald, Barbara gave a flirtatious smile, but I'm all yours for the rest of the evening.

Melissa took a steadying breath and said, Barb, you cannot just use that voice on me.

Barbara walked backwards in an invitation towards the bed. How come?

Melissa's smile got wider as she stepped into Barbara's space and rumbled, Cause now I wanna climb you like a tree.

Barbara pulled Melissa on top of her on to the bed and said, Maybe that was the goal.

Melissa groaned and said, God, I fuckin' love you.

Barbara let out a laugh and it felt like the pair of them were caught in summer rain. I love you too. And I'm glad after all this time you still love me too.

Melissa kissed Barbara more deeply and passionately than she'd ever been kissed before. You kidding? I'm fuckin' devoted. For better or for worse, I'm yours. It would take a hell of a lot to get rid of me.

Barbara cradled Melissa's head in her hands. Well aren't I the lucky one.

Melissa shook her head, I'm just lucky you let me stick around.

Chapter Text

So, someone got laid. God Ava's smug grin infuriated Barbara.

Why didn't you tell me Melissa was bound to Joe as well? Barbara angrily asked.

God Ava summoned a bowl of popcorn seemingly out of nowhere. She popped a piece in her mouth and said, Because what's the fun in that? You want me to take all the fun outta this? You humans can be so selfish sometimes.

So, what, am I just... a source of entertainment for you?

God Ava shrugged, Uh, yeah. Well, you barely are. Like you kissed Gerald and that was it. Didn't even sleep together once to make sure you were gay. Boooooring. So, any other things you wanna get mad at me about?

Barbara leaned back in her chair and seethed at just how nonchalant God Ava was. Well, she supposed, it tracked for Ava. Barbara continued on her interrogation, Why are my girls so different here?

God Ava cocked an eyebrow. You really want me to answer that?

Barbara indignantly huffed and spat back, Why else would I ask? Yes, Ava, I would like you to answer my question.

Alright alright, sheesh, enough with the attitude. Well, they're different because you and Melissa were their parents instead of you and Gerald. That's literally what every difference stems from.

If the cameras were here, this is when Barbara would stare directly at the lens. Yes, but... how are Melissa and I... how did we produce the results we did when Gerald and I... I know Taylor doesn't actually want to be a teacher and Gina is capable of so much more than working at a movie theater. And I know this because I know the girls Gerald and I raised.

God Ava finished another fistful of popcorn and said, Yeah well, you and Gerald are different than you and Melissa. Again, you humans are so damn obtuse. I keep giving you the answer and you keep asking the same question over and over. You and Gerald are gonna create a different home than you and Melissa because Melissa and Gerald different, and therefore your dynamic with them is different. How many times do I have to say the same thing over and over again until it gets through to your brain. Sometimes I regret makin' you all so dumb. But then you wouldn't be as entertaining. It's like you're all the horror movie trope of exploring the creepy basement. Everyone knows that's a bad idea, but that's how you get a fun movie. You're all creepy basement explorers and I'm just having fun.

Barbara exhaled, reminding herself over and over again that this was God who had taken the form of Ava. This was not actually Ava. This was an all-powerful being who could make her life quite literally hell if she got on her bad side. But with Melissa, I loved her. I do love her. In both universes, it's becoming clear that I have strong, more-than-friendship feelings towards her.

Should hope so, God Ava muttered.

Yes, but... so it follows that the correct thing to do is marry her. I didn't in my original universe, but I did here. So... why is it worse?

God Ava pointedly put down her popcorn bowl and said, You're obsessed with right and wrong, and it's annoying. Here's the thing, Barb, there is no right and wrong. Things just happen, and there's consequences. Some actions have more good consequences than bad and visa versa. It's not worse. It's just different. Now I will concede that it is messier. But that doesn't mean it's worse. You might think it is, but not my fault you hate mess.

Barbara sputtered, Ava, my marriage is nearly in shambles here, you cannot tell me that either of my daughters are happy doing what they're doing–

You don't know that. God Ava resolutely cut Barbara off.

Ava, come on, Taylor clearly–

God Ava leaned on her elbows on her desk. You haven't even talked to your girls in this universe. Fun fact about you guys, humans in different universes can do wildly different things, and yet they're still happy and fulfilled in both universes. Besides, looks like you're starting to repair your marriage here and guess what? You two actually love each other.

Barbara was about to argue that she did love Gerald when God Ava continued, You and Gerald are friends, and in the Barbara Howard universe, you two entered a marriage of convenience. Maybe it didn't hit the depths that your marriage to Melissa has, but you can't tell me you haven't been having better sex with Mellie than you ever had with Gerald. In this universe, you haven't spent your whole life denying who you are. Just because the bad stuff is what sticks out doesn't mean that it's all doom and gloom.

Barbara opened her mouth to argue that even without getting into her marriage, there was the girls. Both fortunately and unfortunately, God Ava got there before Barbara could get a word in. And just because the girls aren't doing things as prestigious or whatever doesn't mean they're fundamentally worse than the girls in the Barbara Howard universe. Taylor actually feels fulfilled as a teacher. I mean, was being a high school teacher partially fueled by her mommy issues and partially fueled by constantly wanting to replay her relationship with her baby sister and doing it right this time? Sure. But she's doing better than you think. And Gina? Ok, so she works in the service industry, big deal. Plenty of people her age work that kinda job, and you gonna claim they're lesser people because you can't brag the same way you could about a tough grad program? Please, if anything, she’s making more money at AMC than she would in a grad program. Have you seen those stipends? Besides, she's starting to heal, and she's gonna come out the other end stronger for everything she went through. Whatever, just stop thinking in black and white. It's tired and played out. Anyway, this is getting boring, and it looks like it's about time for you to wake up. See ya tomorrow, Barbie.

Barbara never thought she'd find the being that she prayed to and sung praises to every Sunday to be so infuriating.

The next morning, Barbara's alarm on her phone went off. Oh right, it's probably my alarm for church.

Melissa stirred and muttered partially into her pillow, Guess it's time for you to get goin'.

Barbara contemplated it. Do you want to come with me?

Melissa groggily shook her head. Stopped goin' a while ago.

Well, Barbara was already dealing with a full cast of characters, no need to add to that. I think God will understand if I skip a week. If anything, Ava would be amused.

Melissa squinted at Barbara. You sure? I don't want you to not go to church then regret it later and blame me.

Barbara sighed, Melissa, it's been a full week and with my memory issues, I just don't think I'm ready to deal with that aspect of my life just yet.

Melissa's face lit up. Okay then, lazy morning it is.

Melissa cuddled up to Barbara's side and Barbara rested her chin on Melissa's forehead. I'm worried about Sunday dinner, Barbara whispered.

What're you worried about?

Barbara sighed, I know some things. I know Gina works at an AMC and Taylor's a high school English teacher. But I... there's so much that's still blank or that I don't know is... there are certain memories that I'm not sure are made up or not. No need to tell her how I found out where Taylor and Gina worked.

Melissa pulled back and rested on her elbows as she looked at Barbara. What do you mean?

Barbara didn't want to bring Gerald back into the conversation when they were still so fragile. Well, when I woke up. I knew that I loved you and I've always been close to you, but in my head, we were always just friends that I harbored feelings for. But, obviously, that's not the case.

Melissa kissed her wife's forehead. It's fine. I warned the girls about all this. They know your brain's still drawin' some blanks. They'll understand.

Barbara sure hoped so.

Mom, Mama, we're home, and I got Gina with me!

Melissa tapped Barbara to stir the risotto she was making while she emerged to greet her daughters.

Her daughters.

This was the family they built.

Barbara pushed around the risotto while listening to the girls talk to their other mom.

So how's Mama? Taylor asked in a hushed tone.

Melissa paused and said, Memory's still not great. She... I mean, she knows who youse are and that youse are her kids and all, but just, ah, don't take it personally if she's drawin' some blanks.

Great, Gina grumbled, she gets to be disappointed in me all over again.

Taylor shushed her sister, Mama's only ever wanted what she thought was best for you, ok? And didn't you tell me things were starting to get better?

Barbara took a breath. She needed to nip this in the bud. She needed to right Barbara Schemmenti's wrongs. Sure, maybe she, as Barbara Howard, knew Gina could be capable of more, but that would never take precedence over loving her girls regardless of circumstance.

Gina, baby, Barbara called, could you come to the kitchen?

Barbara couldn't see her, but she could tell by the cadence that Gina was trudging over. Hey, Mama, you wanted to see me?

Barbara nodded while keeping her eyes trained on the risotto. I did. I know I... things have been far from perfect between us.

Gina let out a slight laugh, Okay, so you do remember some things.

Barbara gave Gina a rueful smile. There's still a lot of blanks. But, what I do know is regardless of potential or accomplishments or accolades, you are still my daughter. You could have a doctorate in engineering or work at an AMC, the fact that you're my girl will never change. I know I've probably said many things about striving for more or not living up to your potential but I just, I want you to know, that I love you for who you are, exactly where you are.

Barbara finally looked up at her daughter, who had a sort of timid, cautiously hopeful, look on her face. Jesus, how hard did you hit your head?

Barbara gave a quiet laugh, Enough to knock some sense into me I think. Sometimes I get so caught up in what things, not just you, could be and how they can grow that I forget to appreciate the garden I have right here, right now, in this moment. And I don't want you, Barbara paused, if something happened to me tomorrow, I don't want you to spend the rest of your life thinking that my love was conditional on what you did or didn't accomplish. Or that I only loved some hypothetical future version of you that I have in my head. I love you right here, right now, for exactly who you are at this moment.

Gina looked down and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Ok, so this is a near death thing. Didja see the light or something?

Barbara huffed and put her hand on her hip. Gina H– Schemmenti, is it really that hard to accept that I love you?

Gina's ears perked in a way Barbara wished they didn't. You weren't about to call me Schemmenti. Gina inched closer and whispered so only Barbara could hear, You were about to call me Gina Howard.

Barbara shook her head, Gina, baby, it's the head injury. It's been jumbling memories.

Unfortunately, Gina was incredibly perceptive in this reality too. Oh, you're hiding something. I know it.

Barbara sighed. Gina wasn't going to let up until Barbara told her the truth. Her persistence is what made her such a good student, after all. I just don't want to drive a wedge further between you and your mother. And I don't want her to know... things between us are fragile. I'm sure you know that. And I'm worried that if she knew this, it would damage what we have.

Gina shrugged, Alright, well, I'm a grown woman now. And I'd rather you be honest to me than try to protect her. I can navigate my own relationship with Mom. So, what's up?

Barbara whispered, When I woke up from, you know, my injury, my brain thought that I was married to... your biological father and I was best friends with your mother.

Gina knowingly nodded. Right, yeah. I can see why you'd want to keep that from her. Does Gerald know?

It was strange hearing Gina call Gerald by his name and not Dad. But, she supposed, he wasn't family in that way. He didn't live here. He didn't carry the responsibilities a father did. In this universe, he was much closer to an uncle than a father. Barbara nodded, I had to tell someone, and I knew he wouldn't... that it wouldn't be as fraught with him as it would be your mother. He's been helping me figure out what I made up in my head and what's real.

Taylor wandered into the kitchen and asked, So, what's going on here?

As soon as Taylor was close enough that Melissa was out of earshot, Gina said, When Mama woke up she mixed up who she was married to and who she was best friends with and thought she was married to Gerald.

Taylor winced, Oh, yikes. Does Mom know?

Gina shook her head, No, and we're gonna keep it that way.

Barbara clarified, Just for now, I don't want to... it's not forever, just while we're still patching things up.

Taylor looked curiously at her mother, Oh, is that something you two are doing now?

Barbara began to feel uneasy with the way her two girls were Seeing her. There was a certain amount of separation that she was used to. Even as an adult, she was still their Mother, which came with a sort of barrier between them. Maybe it was the slightly more tumultuous home they seemed to give their children meant they saw a more vulnerable side of her.

Barbara didn't like that.

Yes, that is something we're doing.

Gina leaned over to Taylor and said, We'll see how long it lasts.

Barbara took the risotto off the burner. It seemed ready enough. She turned to her daughters and said, Now what's that supposed to mean.

Gina, bold as ever (another cross-universal constant), said, Because it's a cycle that's been happening for literal years. Mom fucks up, you get mad, you cry to Gerald, Mom gets mad, you piss each other off more and more and go in circles until eventually you two blow up, then you try to 'patch things up' because god forbid you're actually honest about the state of your relationship.

Well, Gina might be bold in every version of reality, but she certainly never fired it at her mother the way she was right now.

And what state is that? asked Melissa from the threshold between the dining room and kitchen, arms crossed, yet just about looking for a fight.

Gina whirled and answered Melissa with an icy, cutting voice. That your marriage is dead, Mom. You can keep up an act that you're still in love, but it never lasts. You're both in denial that you'd be happier separated because you're scared of being alone and Mama's scared of failure. And then I get stuck with– Gina stopped herself and stormed out of the room, shoulder checking Melissa in the process.

Taylor scrambled, Gina's just been having a tough week and probably just needs to cool off. I'm sure... she didn't mean what she–

I'm pretty sure she did, Barbara said in a broken voice.

Taylor sighed and took Barbara's hand. Mama, she's probably just got the Sunday scaries and she inherited Mom's temper. Taylor gave a small smile and added, It had to be one of us, and it wasn't me.

Barbara did her best to return the smile, but she could barely even look up at her eldest daughter. With the little energy she had left to keep it together, she said, Can you go check on your sister?

Taylor nodded and bustled out of the room. Then, Barbara looked at Melissa with red, bleary eyes. Melissa's eyes were near the same.

I got better hearing than ya think. Not that kinda old yet.

Melissa, please.

I don't wanna fight. You're hurting enough and I'm not gonna kick someone when they're down.

Melissa approached Barbara and Barbara closed the distance between them. Barbara clung to Melissa as she sobbed, How did I manage to fail everyone I love so badly?

Melissa shushed her and rubbed her back. You did your best. If anyone failed this family it's me. I let your relationship with Gerald get to me. Like, I know youse have never been more than friends. I know youse are both gay. I just let my own shit cloud my judgment and I– jesus, Barb, at the end of the day, I was the one who cheated.

Barbara shook her head. But I... you said yourself you wouldn't have done it if I hadn't put my friendship before our marriage.

Melissa held Barbara tighter. Yeah and you were doin' that because I was having an attitude about not being their bio mom, we could toss the blame back and forth like a hot potato. Barb, please, stop takin' the hit for what I fucked up. There's a reason you're able to rebuild something with Gina and I probably never will. There's always gonna be a part of her that hates me, and, as much as it hurts like hell, I deserve it. I was never even half the mom you were. Hell, lookin' back, probably had no business being' a mom. It's not... I don't regret the girls for a single second, but they deserved a better parent than me. I think that's the thing, that's what I resented about Gerald.

Barbara loosened her grip just enough to look at Melissa. What do you mean? What did you resent about Gerald?

Melissa sighed, That from the very beginning, he was a better parent than me. No matter how you slice it, he's more patient, he's more conscientious, he's less impulsive, he's just better at putting them first at his own expense. And I think what hurt was just, I knew the girls were better off with him in their lives, even though it was killing me to see it. And more times than not, he was better to you than I was. He's never hurt you like I have.

Barbara's lip trembled as she said, But he's never loved me like you have.

Melissa shrugged, Still doesn't take away the hurt. And still doesn't mean my own kids don't hate me.

The part that killed Barbara the most was that she couldn't argue with her on that. She couldn't argue that Melissa was a better parent than Gerald, because by all accounts Gerald was the better parent to the girls. She couldn't argue that Gerald would hurt Barbara as much as Melissa did because she knew that Gerald never did to her the things that Melissa had. Sure, Barbara could argue about semantics regarding whether or not this reality was worse or just messier, but the fact was, this reality was different. Barbara could not accept that just one small change in fate could make her entire world so drastically different.

Chapter Text

That night, Barbara stormed up to God Ava’s desk and nearly yelled at her as she said, You cannot possibly expect me to believe that the only difference here is that Melissa got there first. Do you think I’m an idiot?

God Ava looked as infuriatingly unfazed as ever. More and more by the day. What is it this time?

Barbara paced around the office. In my– in the universe where I’m Barbara Howard, Melissa is like a third parent to both my girls. Gina especially, they have such a bond. They get lunch together. She calls Melissa and vents to her. They’ve been close for most of Gina’s life. And Taylor too, she loves Melissa! Last year she coordinated with Gina to get Melissa some flowers for Mother’s Day because they consider her their second mother.

God Ava watched Barbara with mild interest. Yeah, ok, and once again I’m reminding you that you and Melissa are not the same as you and Gerald.

Yes, but, Barbara huffed, it’s one thing for them to have different careers. But they… Melissa said they hate her! I’m not even sure why they bother coming to Sunday dinner given how they feel about us!

God Ava shrugged, Cause Taylor feels responsible for keeping the peace. So she goes, and she’s now able to convince Gina to come with her. Neither of them hate the two of you. But, look, put it this way, I think you know by now that Melissa’s hurt you more in the Barbara Schemmenti universe than the Barbara Howard one. That’s not just true with the two of you. Whenever parents hurt each other, kids are always caught in the crossfire. Sometimes even more so than the other parent. That’s what happened to Tay and Gigi. You know, this is the thing with you humans, you’re so damn focused on yourselves you forget that what you do impacts literally everyone around you.

Barbara sunk down into her seat and shook her head. But, I… I could understand if there was a slight difference, but this? Ava, Gina could barely look at either of us. I’ve never seen her have that kind of venom in her words. Do you mean to tell me that just making Melissa her mother did all that?

For the millionth time, yes.

But, Barbara's chest felt tight and her eyes pricked as she murmured, I always told Melissa she would have been an amazing mother.

God Ava rolled her eyes, Barb, just because you’re a neurotic perfectionist doesn’t mean you’re actually perfect. Despite what you let your little shortstop work daughter believe, you're not actually right about everything.

Barbara looked down at her fidgeting fingers. Ava, this was supposed to be the right version of things. Me marrying the woman I actually love, her having the children she should have always had, Gerald being my best friend. But everything is so… none of it is right. It’s not just that it’s messy, but Ava, everyone has hurt each other more here than they ever did in the Barbara Howard universe.

God Ava sighed, Literally the definition of more messy but whatever.

Barbara shook her head as she fidgeted with her wedding ring, I just can’t accept that this is what would happen if Melissa had found me first.

God Ava leaned her elbows on her desk and laced her fingers together. Well, funny thing about reality, it doesn’t care whether or not you can or can’t accept something. It’s still there. And in case you didn’t notice, the girls in the Barbara Howard universe did get Melissa flowers and very much consider her a third parent. Just as much as you two will always find each other, it’s also a constant that Melissa will be a parent to your girls. Not my fault you’re too blinded by dumb human legalities to see that.

Barbara looked up at God Ava. In every universe, Melissa is always… they will always see her that way?

God Ava threw up her hands. Yes! That’s what I just said! She’s always gonna be your kids’ second mom. Ugh, once again, you humans are terrible at comprehending things. Well, good news is, Abbott isn’t that much different. Like, it’s annoying how similar it is in this universe versus the Barbara Howard universe. So, I’ll see you Wednesday night.

Barbara nodded. That’s when I have to choose?

God Ava shrugged. I mean, technically you have until I engineer the universe to conk you on the head on Thursday. But I’m sure you’ll be going through some kinda crisis and I kinda wanna watch that. Could be fun.

Barbara crossed her arms. My potential crisis is ‘fun’ to you?

God Ava gave an impish smirk. Uh yeah. Watching the ‘unflappable’ Barbara flounder? I love watching the humans who act like they got it all together be very much not all together. It’s fun!

Barbara got up out ot her seat. Of course it’s fun to you.

God Ava reclined in her seat and said, You know, I am still the divine being you sing praises to on Sundays. Which by the way, you didn’t do this week.

Barbara examined God Ava’s face, and her lips curled upwards when she saw the amusement in God Ava’s expression.

Somehow I get the sense I get a pass.

You sung my praises plenty between Melissa’s legs. Aaaaaand now that I’ve sufficiently flustered you, have fun at work this week.

Barbara shook her head and closed her eyes as she took a breath. When her eyes opened, the light was just starting to shine on Melissa’s face. It would never get old to Barbara, waking up next to the woman she’d come to realize she had always loved. She could snore, she could take up three quarters of the bed, she could do just about anything and Barbara would still see her as the most beautiful woman in the world.

Melissa’s eyes fluttered open. The scowl she’d woken up with turned into a smile as she saw the adoration on her wife’s face. Morning, Sunny.

Is that a nickname I have here?

Morning, love.

You good to go into work?

Barbara nodded. Very much so.

The morning routine was oddly familiar. It was different than with Gerald (it wasn't like they worked in the same building), and yet it still felt like a thing so rote that she was doing it on autopilot. Maybe this was the inter-universal bleeding that God Ava had talked about. How we remember things across universes that never happened in our own. Well, Barbara certainly didn't mind the comfort of familiarity here.

That comfort of familiarity extended to Abbott too. It was strange how similar it all was. It really felt like the only difference was that she was also Mrs. Schemmenti (although some students called her Mrs. Barbara to differentiate her from her wife). Barbara quickly fell into her routine, mixing the familiarity of Abbott with the novelty of the rest of her life. The days became increasingly more comfortable, and it felt more and more like Barbara was home. It had only been a few days, but now, Barbara couldn’t imagine a life without this. She knew in her bones that this had to be the rest of her life.

By Wednesday, Barbara was starting to feel truly settled in. Thursday still loomed, but for now, she was here to make the most of what she had. Besides, this could be It. She could get her injury, tell Ava that she wanted to stay here, and that would be that. Sure, it would be Barbara Schemmenti taking back over, since Barbara was well aware that she’d be losing her Barbara Howard memories. However, Barbara was confident she built a foundation that Barbara Schemmenti could rebuild something solid and lasting on. This could be It. She could be Happy.

Then, at the end of the day, she was looking for some stickers to put on some worksheets she was grading. Barbara hoped she still kept her good ones in the bottom right drawer, stashed away to be remembered only when her students were doing a particularly good job. Then she found a letter clearly carefully nestled near the back of the drawer.

On the envelope it had Melissa in what Barbara knew was her own handwriting and Barbara’s heart began to hammer in her chest.

Inside was a stack of eight and a half by eleven papers neatly folded into thirds. The first in the stack had a short note handwritten by Barbara Schemmenti.

Melissa, despite the hurt we’ve caused each other, I will never regret us. I love you. That will never change. However, Ecclesiastes 3 says that for everything there is a season. We had our season, and it was beautiful. But we can’t keep lying to ourselves anymore. Our season has been long gone, and I don’t want to be stuck in this cycle of trying to pretend it isn’t. I’m sorry if this comes as a shock, but I don’t know what else to do at this point. I love you, and I know you love me, but the fact of the matter is there’s just too much hurt between us. I hope after all the dust settles we can still be friends, but if I know you at all, you’ll probably want nothing to do with me. Maybe that’ll change, but we’ve spent the last twelve years trying to change. The truth is, you’ll always feel trapped by me and I’ll never treat you with the trust and respect a wife deserves. After trying for so long, I think it’s time to accept that this marriage is beyond repair. I'm not saying this because of any hatred or malice or ill-will. I'm saying this because I love you. I hope one day you can see that. -Barbara

Tears sprung into Barbara’s eyes as she flipped through the rest of the pages. Her worst fear, the one that had been tugging at the back of her head ever since Melissa expressed surprise at not sleeping in the guest room, was realized.

The second page listed Barbara Lee Watson Schemmenti as the plantiff and Melissa Ann Katerina Schemmenti as the defendant. Right there, in cold, uncaring black and white, was the beginning of divorce proceedings.

Barbara looked down at the empty spot where the envelope was and she saw another note she must have written to herself.

Remember why you’re doing this. Remember how Gary triggered Joe all these years later. That will not change. She deserves better, and so do you.

That feeling that she'd gotten Monday morning had come back. It was that inter-universal bleeding, except this time, it was so much worse. It wasn't a familiar routine, it was trauma and pain and likely the lowest point of Barbara's life.

She felt it all. She could feel the sting of tears in her eyes. She could feel the sting that accompanied the slap that landed across her wife’s cheek. She could feel the sting in her throat as she yelled at everyone to get the hell out. She couldn’t remember all the details, she couldn’t tell you what she saw or how exactly she found them, she couldn’t even remember what Joe looked like. All she felt was the betrayal of seeing it happen in her own marital bed. All she felt was the sinking feeling that her entire world had crumbled.

Barbara wasn’t sure how she got herself there, but soon she was knocking on Gerald’s door. He was the only one who could help her make sense of this.

Barbara, oh my god, what happened?

It wasn’t like Barbara hadn’t ugly cried in front of Gerald before. She’d done so plenty of times in the universe she came from. That just came with the territory of being a spouse. However, given his expression, she must have cried like this to him in this universe as well.

She broke my heart, didn’t she?

Gerald exhaled, simultaneously relieved that he didn’t have to spare her but distraught that she was feeling it all over again. He wrapped her up in his arms and said, Yeah, she did.

Barbara couldn’t remember a time she fell apart quite so dramatically, and yet she knew this wasn’t the first time she’d crumbled so completely as Barbara Schemmenti.

She sat on Gerald’s couch while he made her tea. He knew what she liked here as well. It made sense, Melissa knew what she liked in the other world, why wouldn’t the same be true with Gerald here?

Chamomile with honey and lemon.

Barbara smiled at him as he settled on the couch next to her. Thank you hub– honey.

She stared down into the mug, afraid to see if he’d caught the slip she’d nearly made. But even if he did, she could just shrug it off as her amnesia acting up. Barbara nervously asked, Can I ask you about it?

Gerald wrapped an arm around her. Sure, ask away.

How did I catch them?

Gerald groaned. Getting right to it then. So, um, I’ll tell you anything, but just know I’m repeating what you told me and what I saw from the outside. I wasn’t there.

Barbara nodded. Of course. I know… I slapped her, didn’t I?

Gerald slowly nodded. You did. That was, um, that was the big blow up, in 2012. She had told you she wasn’t feeling well, you came home early with soup to surprise her, and they were in your bed. You had suspected things. She was simultaneously more distant but more, um, you told me that your sex life was getting closer to how it was in the beginning. I think you always knew there was a spark between her and Joe from the second they met. But, from what I saw, what hurt was that you trusted her to not fan that spark the way she did. But it was complicated. She always had insecurity when it came to being the non-birthing mom, she resented me for having a good relationship with the girls, she thought us and the girls looked like a more coherent family than you and her and the girls, and it ate at her. She was hurt and lost and instead of working it out with you, she ran to him.

Gerald had a pained smile and added, I left you alone for an hour while I got the girls settled here and when I got back, you burned the mattress and bedding in the backyard.

Barbara let out a mirthless laugh. Not that I was being dramatic or anything.

Gerald shrugged, It was healthy for you to let it out a little, if you ask me. You can't resolve the hurt if you never let it breathe.

Barbara remembered how Melissa was when she caught Joe with a woman who was 15 years her junior, how she sobbed and broke a set of plates Barbara had bought for exactly this sort of thing (she’d seen it coming then too). And she remembered how Melissa called a divorce attorney the next day.

Why didn’t I leave her then?

Gerald pursed his lips. Gay marriage wasn’t even legal. Sure, that would mean you wouldn’t have to get a divorce, but it also meant that the girls couldn’t be her’s by law. Legally, Melissa had next to nothing. She would have lost everything, and you didn’t have it in you to put her, or the rest of your family, through that. You were too scared to risk destabilizing the home more, and things were touch and go with the girls, especially Gina. Plus, no matter how badly she broke your heart, you loved her. You still love her, obviously. But, um, sometimes that’s not enough. When she started being friends with Gary, you got triggered, and went through her phone. You didn’t find anything, but just the fact that you couldn’t trust her enough to not go through her phone, that was the last piece for you. With Joe, she irreparably broke the relationship, and neither of you wanted to accept that until you had no choice.

Barbara dejectedly looked down at her mug and said, Which is why I’ve been distant with her. Because I’m now in a place where I can leave her.

Gerald nodded. The girls are grown, and you’ve finally accepted that you couldn’t will this relationship into coming back to life and being what it was before Joe. Really, the only thing holding you back was putting aside enough money for filing and possibly a lawyer if she didn’t agree to file jointly. Gerald wrapped Barbara's free hand with his own. I’m sorry. To be honest, I’d kind of hoped against hope that the injury would make you forget and you could just have a clean slate with her.

Barbara’s voice was more hoarse than she realized when she whispered, I should have just married you instead.

Gerald shook his head. That’s what you said then too. But Bee, if we got married, we would both be living a lie. Maybe we’d give the girls a good home, but we’d never be truly happy.

Barbara scoffed, Right, because being so hurt so deeply you burn a whole bed is a symptom of true happiness.

Gerald’s shoulders dropped. Barbara, for every time you were hurt, you had so many more where you were, god, you were so happy. She made you glow and smile in a way I never could. And hey, even if I’m not settled with a guy, I’ve been able to have the most affirming moments that I never would have even tried to seek out if I were married to you. We would have denied each other so much if we’d just given in and got married. It wasn’t all doom and gloom. Far from it, in fact. Just because something couldn’t be salvaged doesn’t mean it wasn’t beautiful. And it was. You were beautiful together.

Barbara sniffled and dabbed at her eyes with a tissue Gerald offered her. So, this was it. This beautiful thing was dead. Or at least, Barbara Schemmenti had deemed it so. But it wasn’t! Things had gotten so much better. Her and Melissa were happy in a way she had never experienced in her entire life. They were In Love in a way she had never once felt with Gerald (for what were increasingly obvious reasons). She couldn’t possibly be right. Her judgement was just clouded. If she just took a breath and took in the blessings that surrounded her, surely she’d see that she’d be insane to give it all up. Surely she would see what Barbara Howard saw so clearly.

Either way, she had to spend her remaining time with Melissa.

Barbara got up and smoothed her pants with her palms. Well, um, Melissa is going to be wondering where I am. Thank you for all of this. I know I don’t make it easy on you.

Gerald shook his head with a smile. You’re my best friend. I love you, Bee, and I’ll do anything for the people I love. Do you think… are you still going to go through with the divorce?

Barbara pursed her lips. Ask me next week.

Gerald nodded. Ok, you know, I’ll support you no matter what you choose. If you choose to leave, the open offer on the guest room hasn’t gone away. If you choose to stay, I’ll support you too. If you choose to stay and then change your mind, I promise the last thing I’ll do is judge you.

Barbara could see how she was bound to this man. No matter the universe, the love certainly ran deep.

Thank you, Gerald. Love you too.

Barbara got into her car and drove back to her and Melissa’s place. When she pulled into the driveway, she pulled down the sun visor and checked her reflection. She looked mostly put together. You could barely tell she’d been crying. Well, Melissa might be able to tell. She’d also probably have questions about where the hell Barbara was. She could just say she stayed late to grade. That was true to an extent. She had been planning on staying late to grade when she found the papers. Still, if she were to continue on her current (potentially futile) mission of building a foundation for Barbara Schemmenti to build upon, she had to tell Melissa the truth.

Hey, baby! Just in time, dinner’s just about ready!

Barbara walked into the kitchen and kissed Melissa’s cheek. Lord, she was radiant in her domain.

Thank you for making us dinner, love. I so appreciate being able to come home and not worry about it.

Melissa looked up adoringly at Barbara. Keep talkin’ like that and I’m gonna overcook the risotto.

How could she possibly think the relationship is dead when Melissa is still so devoted?

Well, in that case, I’ll leave you to it and change out of my work clothes.

Barbara could already feel her eyes start to prick as she heard the snicker of her wife. How could she ever give this up?

So, Melissa started as they began eating dinner, what kept you so long? Were you grading at Abbott again?

I, Barbara nervously looked down at her plate, started to, but, well, my memories have been coming back very piecemeal and I got hit with one and I just, I stopped by Gerald’s just to make sense of it.

Melissa’s back got rigid. Barbara figured it would.

Why– what made you do that? You can always talk to me, you know, your wife?

Barbara winced, Well, the memory that came back was, um, when I found you with Joe. In 2012. The big blow up.

Melissa was now the one looking down nervously at her risotto. Right. Yeah. I guess then it makes sense you’d go to him. Guess he filled in all the gaps about how much of a bitch I was.

Barbara cocked an eyebrow. Actually, he reminded me how beautiful our relationship is. That even if we’ve hurt each other, we’ve also brought each other so much joy and happiness that I could have never found elsewhere. I know you feel a certain way towards him, but he doesn’t think you’re a horrible person. On the contrary, at worst, he’s only ever seen you as someone in a lot of pain turning to destructive means to cope. Melissa, all he has ever wanted is for me to be happy, and he has seen firsthand how happy you’ve made me. That’s what he reminded me of this afternoon. Not how much of a b-word you were.

Melissa pushed around her food a little more. Guess I was just– if the roles were reversed, I’d hate him. But of course he’d be all, Melissa sighed, He’s always been a better person than me.

Barbara wrapped her hand around Melissa’s. Just different, baby. I married you for a reason. I chose you, not him.

Melissa gave a cautious smile. Guess you did, huh. Dunno how good of a decision that was on your part, but I ain’t complainin’.

Barbara shook her head and did her best to hold back the tears in her eyes. It’s a decision I refuse to regret.

That night, Barbara paced in God Ava’s office and she watched Barbara with a mild interest. Right, God Ava said while her eyes followed Barbara's paces, so you clearly found the divorce proceedings.

Barbara grumbled, Won’t even bother asking why you didn’t tell me before. So, Ava, am I putting on a good enough show for you? Are you entertained enough?

God Ava shrugged. Honestly, yeah. There was definitely a bit of a lull, but now we’re getting to the good stuff.

Barbara wanted to throw something. She wanted to lunge across that desk and hit Ava over the head with something. She wanted to do something just to tear that carefree, amused smile off her smug little face. Unfortunately this was also God, so she couldn’t resort to such acts so easily. Instead, her mind turned endlessly as she clarified, So, whatever universe I choose, I only have the memories from that universe. Do I remember this past week?

God Ava shrugged, It’s complicated. If you go back to the Barbara Howard universe, probably not. If you stay here, you’ll remember what you did and stuff, but not necessarily why you did them, if that why has to do with coming from the Barbara Howard universe. Ugh, that’s going to be such a pain to wire.

Barbara nodded. Ok, so I would remember everything I did this past week but…

God Ava finished Barbara’s sentence for her, You’ll still be the woman who filled out the paperwork to start divorce proceedings.

Barbara couldn’t accept that after everything she did, this could be it. Could I… what if I left her a note?

God Ava raised an eyebrow, Barb, you are one of the most annoying, stubborn humans I have ever dealt with. When you say you’re gonna do something, you follow through, even when it’s a shit idea. Like that time you insisted on running that 5k even though you knew your knee was acting up and then you had to wear a brace for like two months because you didn’t want to back out. If you have that kind of trouble backing out of a pointless run to nowhere, imagine what you went through that led you to filling out those papers. You're dissolving a marriage, a whole-ass till death do us part commitment to another person. Look at me and tell me that a wordy note is going to break your resolve. You can’t.

Barbara shook her head. But she, I mean, I… I would know that I wrote it. It would be in my own handwriting. What if… I would listen to myself, wouldn’t I?

God Ava cocked an eyebrow. Barbara Lee Watson Howard Schemmenti, did you not just hear me when I told you your own 5k story? You don’t even listen to your own body, you think a note is gonna fare better?

Barbara sank down into the chair across from God Ava. But I can’t… if after everything this week, I still divorce her, that’ll destroy her.

God Ava rolled her eyes. Bold of you to assume Barbara Schemmenti hadn’t been thinking about that the whole time. Melissa isn’t acting that much differently. You conking your head didn’t change her.

Barbara thought back to the past week. The constant love in Melissa's eyes, the way she clearly still adored her, the way she desperately wanted Barbara to love her back. Barbara thought about serving that person divorce papers. But… Ava, how could I just do that?! How could I do that to her? How could I be so cruel to her? Do I not love her anymore? I don’t understand how… Ava, she still loves me. How could I do that to her when she still loves me? Do I not… I cannot possibly love her any more and do that.

God Ava shot Barbara an incredulous look. You know, for all your talk about maybe other you will listen to a note you leave for yourself, you won’t even listen to the notes Barbara Schemmenti left for you. God Ava conjured the post it note that sat in the back of Barbara’s desk. She pointedly slapped it down on the end of her desk across from Barbara. You wanna read it again?

Barbara picked up the note and realized in the process how her hands were trembling. Remember why you’re doing this. Remember how Gary triggered Joe all these years later. That will not change. She deserves better, and so do you.

Before Barbara could respond, God Ava said, Barbara, listen to yourself. You’re doing this because you love her. Not despite it. And loving someone, like actually really loving someone, means doing the best you can by them even when it’s the hardest, most painful thing in the world. And that’s what Barbara Schemmenti is doing.

Barbara put the note back down on the end of Ava’s desk. Her hands were clasped to keep them from trembling. There’s still so much that needs to be fixed. Everyone is so much worse off here than back in the universe where I, you know, where I was last week. But I… would I be able to fix it if I was her?

God Ava pursed her lips. That’s not for me to say. Only you know the answer to that.

Barbara sighed, Except I don’t. I don’t know, Ava. I don’t know if I’d just make things worse again. But if I go back, and I don’t remember all this, then I’m back to living a life where, you know– because it’s not just me. If Gerald’s gay too, then what if… well, if I die there, then he’d be free. He could pursue someone and not have to worry about me.

God Ava leaned forward, Ok, Barb, just gonna point out, you can’t plan where you’re gonna go because of everyone around you. No matter which universe you choose, people are gonna be devastated. You gotta take them out of the equation and pick for yourself.

Barbara swallowed, processing the harsh reality of what God Ava was saying. But even if… Ava, there is one version of reality where they would be… they could handle it better. Melissa, it would be hard, but ultimately she’s just losing her best friend. There’s a certain level where it’s just not as bad. Here, she’d be losing her wife. Gerald, well, if I died, sure he’d be losing his wife, but that opens the door for him to possibly discover what this universe’s Gerald already knows. Ava, the fact of the matter is, me leaving could have a silver lining there.

Ava nodded and argued, But you dying here could have a silver lining too. Melissa’s last memories with you would be with a version of you that isn’t scarred by all the bullshit you’ve put each other through. Same with the girls. And look, I know you haven’t dug in that deep with him because you’ve been so focused on yourself, but have you noticed that Gerald isn’t settled with anyone? How, despite not being married to you, his life still practically revolves around you and your family? He put his life on hold for you. Your whole argument about freeing Gerald in the Barbara Howard universe could work just as well in the Barbara Schemmenti universe.

Barbara bit the inside of her cheek. This whole time, she’d never even noticed how trapped Gerald was here too. How he may have known who he was, but was still in this perpetual holding pattern of misplaced devotion. She’d been so focused on what was different that she hadn’t noticed just how much was still the same.

But what about the girls? Taylor and Gina are so much… Gina especially is so much better adjusted back there than here. Things are just starting to–

And in this universe Taylor and Gina are way closer than they are in the universe where they literally live in different cities and Tay is way less close with the family. Again, Barb, stop doing this whole calculus about who’s gonna be hurt more. For once in your life, please just pick what you want more.

Barbara let out a mirthless laugh. Ava, I’m a mother and a teacher in a poorly funded public school. I can’t remember the last time I put myself first.

Yeah, well, no time like the present to relearn that skill. Anyway, this was fun but now I’m bored. See you later today.

Barbara could not be less torn about where she was going to stay.

Chapter Text

Melissa will always remember the first time she brought Barbara sunflowers.

I told you that farmer's market had a good selection! Melissa triumphantly grinned up at Barbara as the pair walked back to her apartment.

Barbara laughed and it sounded like sunshine. I think you're just saying that because you were related to a quarter of the vendors and got us some good deals.

Melissa gave an impish smirk. I don't see you complainin'.

Barbara smiled fondly and shook her head. Oh, I'm not. I've just started living on my own and I'm living off a Kindergarten teacher's salary. I could use all the help I could get.

Hey, ah, you know if you ever need something, chances are I know a guy.

Thank you, but I'd never ask you to call in a favor for me.

Melissa stopped. Why not? Of course she'd be the kind of uptight person who couldn't associate with people like me.

Barbara pivoted when she saw Melissa had stopped and clarified, Oh no, it's not that. It's more... I don't want you to waste your favors on me. I'm sure you need them just as much.

Melissa's spine stopped being so rigid. Nah, if I'm offering, it means I've taken care of me. I'm good, and I... I'd be happy to use a favor or two to help you out. It's worth it to me, you know?

The pair stood outside Barbara's apartment door. Why is it worth it to you?

Melissa wasn't sure how to play this. If Barb wasn't so hard to read, she'd lay her cards on the table, say she was madly in love with her to the point it scared her. But she couldn't even tell if she felt that way towards women, let alone her. Why're you questioning me offering you a favor?

Barbara glanced around her, doing everything to avoid Melissa's eyes. She bit her lip and said just louder than a whisper, Because I... I know how I feel, and I, no I'm being silly. Thank you, Melissa. You're a good friend.

Melissa cocked an eyebrow, and before Barbara could put her key into the lock, she asked, How do you feel?

Barbara paused. What do you mean?

You said you know how you feel, then you stopped. So how do you feel?

Barbara glanced around and said, Here, come inside. The pair entered Barbara's apartment, and as soon as she closed the door, Melissa crossed her arms. So? You gonna answer my question?

Barbara timidly smiled. Right, I know you're like a dog with a bone. The thing is, well I like you. You're such a good friend. And I'm scared of ruining that. You're the first person at Abbott who has shown me any amount of respect. I don't want- no, I can't lose that.

Melissa smiled. It wasn't a full confession, but it was the farthest Barbara would possibly jump without assistance. And it was confirmation enough for her. Well, I was gonna surprise you on Monday, but I got these for you when you were at the bread stall. Melissa held out a bouquet of sunflowers wrapped in a sheet of newspaper.

Barbara let out a rush of air as she took them and looked down at them and back up at Melissa. How did you know they're my favorite?

Melissa could've made something up, how she found out in some roundabout way. But she hoped the truth would show Barbara that she'd fallen just as hard as she had. You love wearing yellows and oranges, you decorate your classroom with flowers, and sunflowers always make an appearance. To be honest, I didn't know. But, I dunno, they're bold and bright and sturdy and they're kinda how I see you. They make me happy, just like you make me happy.

Melissa could tell Barbara's heart was beating out of her chest. She cautiously walked closer and Barbara murmured, Friends don't say that about each other.

Melissa gently pulled the hand holding the sunflowers away and whispered, Nah, they don't.

Ever since that first kiss, sunflowers had become their thing. Melissa’s nickname for Barbara was Sunny, and it was the flower featured prominently at their wedding.

Now, it had been a week since the fall, and things could not be better. Things had changed. There was the glimmer of hope for a future that Melissa had thought was fully snuffed out.

Melissa was many things. She was impulsive. She was self-destructive. She was good at fucking a good thing up. She did dumb shit. However, Melissa may be stupid, but she wasn’t an idiot. She knew where the marriage was headed. She knew the second she realized the move into the guest bedroom wasn’t a temporary measure. She knew the day she went into Barbara’s desk drawer for some spare stickers and saw the letter.

But something had happened. This version of Barbara actually seemed to want to make things work. She loved her in a way she hadn’t been loved in so long. For once she wasn’t being scrutinized. She wasn’t constantly on trial or liable to be criticized for chewing too loudly or for not giving Barbara enough space. Things were so simple again, the way they were when they first moved in together and they’d just started telling people about their relationship.

Of course, Melissa hoped this is how it would be now. She’d finally sufficiently atoned for her sins and the slate had been wiped clean. But she was Sicilian, so while her heart hoped, her brain knew that she was living on borrowed time. All she could do was hope that as Barbara gradually returned to her normal self that this wouldn’t go away completely.

Hence why she was going to swing by Acme on the way home from work to get a bouquet of sunflowers. To remind Barbara, as she came back to the person she used to be, that they were once madly in love and they could be again. This version of Barbara gave her hope for a future, and Melissa would move heaven and earth to cling to this newly imagined future.

Melissa had just darted into the car from the Acme parking lot in the rain. She tossed the umbrella somewhere behind the center console and there was a damp thud as it bounced off the back seat. She turned down the sun visor and looked at her hair in the mirror. Just a couple parking lot sprints and it was already frizzed beyond repair. Oh well, she’d have a shower after she heated up dinner for the two of them. Besides, the shower would have the added benefit of Barbara holding her close and burying her nose in her head. She loved the way Melissa’s shampoo smelled. There were times it was out of budget (it was that real fancy salon stuff), but anything that made Barbara want to hold her close was worth its weight in gold as far as Melissa was concerned. She put the sunflowers she’d bought on the passenger seat, and called Gina as she started the drive home.

Please tell me this isn’t something that could’ve just been a text.

And hello to you too. Hey, uh, I was just wondering if you were still planning on coming to dinner this Sunday?

Okay so this could’ve been a text.

Gina, I’m driving, it’s pouring, and that speech to text thing doesn’t work for me. Also, you may be an adult but I’m still your mother, so you could at least try to be civil with me.

Melissa could hear her daughter groan over the line and she rolled her eyes in response. Two could play at that game.

Yeah, whatever, sorry. As long as Tay’s driving me over, sure. Why’re you asking? You don’t normally ask.

I was thinking of making something a little nicer and wanted to plan out my next grocery trip.

Okay, so what’s actually going on?

Why’d I have to raise a girl who cuts through bullshit as well as me?

Look, things between your ma and I since she conked her head have been a lot better, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because there’s stuff she’s forgotten.

Like how you screwed a guy in her bed?

Melissa wasn’t even going to reprimand Gina for that. She had it coming. Yeah, she just remembered that yesterday. So, things are good, but it’s a ticking clock before the rest of her memories come back. But, Melissa glanced at the sunflowers beaming up at her, I mean, this week has kinda shown that maybe we could work this out. And, look, I’m well aware how you feel, but I think this week has shown us that we have a shot.

Hmmm, so you wanna put on a show for Mama before she remembers how fucked up things have gotten.

Melissa sighed, It’s not that I want to ‘put on a show’ exactly. I just, I want to prove to her that I’m not the same person I was. That I’ve honestly changed and I wanna make what we have work.

Do you actually?

Yes, Gina Theresa, I do. I still love your mother, believe it or not. And this weird kinda blank slate has proven that to both of us, I think, that below all the bullshit, we still love each other.

Gina paused for a second and Melissa fumed as she saw a line of red brake lights in front of her. Serves her right for not checking traffic on a rainy day going home.

Yeah, ok, I believe that. Anyway, my shift is starting in a half hour and given the rain, I don’t wanna cut it close.

’Atta girl. Drive safe, honey. Text me when you get home after your shift. You know how Mama and I get worried when you’re driving home in bad weather.

Sure, I’ll try to remember. Bye, Mom.

Love you.

Gina had already hung up. Well, at least this conversation didn’t end in a fight. That was progress.

How laughable that that’s what Melissa considered progress.

Melissa fumed at the road ahead. She just wanted to get home. She just wanted to heat up some of that stir fry she’d made the night before for the pair of them, have a shower, get into some comfy clothes, and watch some dumb show with her wife while they held each other. Didn’t this traffic know how she was staring down the rest of her life?

When the car was stopped, Melissa glanced down at her phone and tapped on her recent phone calls. Of course, Barbara's was the second name there. She called Barbara and put the phone back in the cupholder as she inched forward. The call went to voicemail, so Melissa just hung up. She’d just try again in a few minutes. Barb was probably in the middle of something.

The cars continued to inch forward and Melissa glanced down at the time. It was nearly five. At this rate dinner was going to be late since she now had to contend with the rest of the rush hour traffic.

Melissa glanced back down and rung Barbara again. And again, it went to voicemail.

Hey, Sunny, I’m on my way home but I think there’s some accident or something clogging traffic on 76 so I’m gonna be a bit later than I thought I would. I was just gonna heat up the stir fry leftovers in the fridge. If you get home first, don’t wait for me, just heat up dinner and I’ll be home as soon as I can. Maybe we can watch a movie or one of your shows? God, I can’t wait to get into some sweats and just sit on the couch and be a potato next to you. Anyway, love you!

Melissa hung up and tried not to think about how out of character it was for Barbara to let a call go to voicemail twice without even a text acknowledging that she got the call. She tried not to think about how Barbara was the kind to answer a call even when she absolutely shouldn’t because she’s in the middle of something.

It wasn’t going very well given how she was already starting to bite off her nails whenever she was braked. Barbara would look down at her hands and gently reprimand her for not resisting such a bad habit and that it wasn’t good for her. Melissa would mumble an apology and she’d stick some press-ons on the next day and the cycle would continue the way it had for the better part of thirty years.

When Melissa was getting closer and seeing the faint smoke and the top of a crumpled car, she winced.

Fuck, that doesn’t look good. Poor guy must’ve hydroplaned and hit the barrier.

She inched closer and had to hold back from honking at the rubberneckers ahead. Didn’t they have places to be? Then, she got closer and saw the car a little clearer. Or at least what was left of the car. Fuck, what a mess. Good thing she’d be past it soon enough.

Except she got closer and saw it was the same color as Barbara’s car

And then she saw it was the same model as Barbara’s.

And then she saw it was the same license plate as Barbara’s.

Melissa’s heart was in her throat as she honked her horn as much as she could and veered over to the lane with the accident.

Ma’am, you can’t–

That’s my wife’s car.

A police officer firmly put a hand on her shoulder as she tried to elbow her way in. Ma’am, you need to let the EMTs do their job.

Melissa barked back, Did you not hear me when I said that’s my fucking wife’s car?!

An EMT rushed over and asked, Did you say you’re the wife?

Melissa nodded and the EMT began, She’s lost a lot of blood. We’re doing everything we can to get her out of the car and in a stable enough condition to take her to the hospital.

Melissa looked past the EMT who was probably asking her questions that she should probably answer. Time sped up and slowed down as she saw what was left of the car behind the firefighters working to get Barbara out of the car. She saw a sleeve that was splattered with blood and her first thought was, Barb’s gonna be real disappointed if I can’t get those stains out.

They were able to get her in stable enough condition to drive her to the hospital. Melissa followed the ambulance in her car and somehow, she couldn’t tell you how, she got herself to the hospital bed at Barbara’s side.

Melissa held her wife’s limp hand. C’mon Barb. Please wake up so we can go home. Stop scarin’ me every week like this. Please, just shrug it off like ya did last week. I’ll drive us home and make you somethin’ nice.

Barbara stirred and raspily asked, What did you have in mind?

Melissa’s heart skipped and she gave a shaky laugh. Anything you want. If you can’t choose, I’ll pick something. How about my chicken piccata?

Barbara’s eyes fluttered open. Melissa’s heart soared. She looked like she did last week. They’d be ok. Barbara blinked and said, That sounds nice. Keep telling me about what you want to cook for me.

Melissa nodded and obediently continued. Well, first thing when you get home is I’m making you some chamomile tea. I’ll squeeze in some lemon and use that nice local honey we got from the farmer’s market. I’ll get you set up on the couch with a couple blankets and put on one of your soaps we got on the DVR. I know you’ve been saving up Days of our Lives. Then, I’d go make us some chicken piccata. I’ll steam some broccoli to go with it so we get some veggies. I know you like sopping up the extra sauce with the florets. Then, I think we got some Cherry Garcia in the freezer. We can split the pint while we watch a movie. You’ll fall asleep on my shoulder about halfway through the movie, I’ll nudge you awake as soon as it ends. You’ll try to convince me to just sleep with you on the couch, but as soon as I agree, you’ll push us to go upstairs and sleep in an actual bed. So, how about I grab the doc so we can get the all clear to go home?

Barbara gave a faint laugh. You’ve always been impatient.

You never seemed to mind.

Barbara raised an eyebrow. Except when I did.

Melissa groaned, Fine. Yeah, I know I annoy you.

I also love you.

Melissa pushed a couple strands of hair off Barbara’s forehead. Melissa could live off the affection she got when Barbara leaned into her touch. I love you too.

Barbara leaned back and turned to look at Melissa. I left some papers to grade in the car. Do you think you’ll be able to grab them?

Barb, no one’s gonna care ab– Melissa saw the stern look on Barbara’s face and changed course, I’m sure I’ll be able to grab them tomorrow or Sunday.

Barbara patted Melissa’s hand, Good girl. Barbara weakly smiled at Melissa and said, I've always loved you.

Melissa lifted their joined hands and kissed the back of Barbara's hand. Me too, babe.

Barbara pulled their hands towards her and kissed the back of Melissa's hand, And I'll always love you. In every universe, in every life, I will always love you. I need you to know that.

Even with hidden divorce papers, Melissa believed that with every fiber of her being. Yeah, I do. I love you too. I'm yours. In every universe, in every life, I'll always be yours and I will always love you too.

Melissa resolutely ignored how Barbara's breathing was slowing down. This wasn't happening. She was lethargic last week too. Good, Barbara whispered, that's good. Barbara blinked and a tear trailed down the side of her cheek. I'm sorry, Melissa.

Melissa shook her head. This wasn't happening. Last week was emotional too. Wasn't that how they got to the point where Melissa had a clean slate? This was just like last week. There's nothing to apologize for.

Except there is. There's so much to apologize for. These past 30 years I've hurt you as much as I loved you.

The beeps of the heart rate monitor began to slow. This wasn't happening. Melissa was just as terrified last week. There was a point where they were worried Barbara was going to go into a full coma. She might have even gone into a coma for an hour or so. But she was fine. That's all this was. Melissa swallowed back the tears, because obviously she was overreacting because everything was going to be fine, That doesn't matter. I love you.

It does matter. You matter, Melissa. I just wish I had more time to show you.

Melissa saw the look in Barbara's eyes and stopped fighting the current. This was happening.

A tear dropped down Melissa's nose to their joined hands. Me too.

Barbara nudged with her head, Get over here.

Melissa let out a trembling exhale and climbed on to the hospital bed with her wife. Last time I did this, you were nursing Gina for the first time.

Melissa laid on her side and slung an arm around Barbara's waist. Barbara turned her head towards her wife and said, They'll be ok, Taylor and Gina. It won't be easy, but they do love you. They both love you.

Melissa wasn't so sure about that, but she wasn't about to argue with Barbara. She'd spent far too many years doing that. And I love them too. Ain't always the best at showing it, but I love them so much. Melissa's voice cracked at the end and Barbara lifted her hand to wipe the tear off Melissa's cheek. It's not supposed to be like this. She's not the one that's supposed to be doing the comforting. Even at the very end, Melissa was still getting it wrong.

Melissa?

Melissa wiped a tear off Barbara's cheek. Yeah, babe?

I don't regret marrying you. I don't regret being your wife. I don't regret a single bit of it.

Melissa sniffled. Not a single bit? There's nothing you regret?

Barbara let out a laugh that turned into a light cough. Melissa, I'm not going to run a fine-toothed comb through my life. Everything I'm sure you think I must regret, I don't regret because, Barbara took a very pointed breath, it led to this. It led to me laying here with a woman I love with my whole heart loving me with her whole heart. If just the smallest thing had changed, my entire life could be completely different. And maybe the life around us is messy and maybe our circumstances are far from perfect but, Barbara inhaled and her eyes were as red as Melissa's, what we're giving each other right now is a blessing. What you're giving me right now is such a blessing.

Barbara adjusted herself so her head was nestled into the crook of Melissa's neck and Melissa's arms trembled as she held Barbara. Melissa, please, I need you to know, in every universe, in every possible timeline, I will always find you and I will always love you. We're bound together.

On the one hand, that made perfect sense to Melissa. There was a string between her and Barbara. There was a reason they'd held out for so long. From the second she first set eyes on the woman decorating her classroom in colored construction paper, she was bound to her.

On the other hand, it made no sense to Melissa. She didn't give a fuck about other universes or timelines or whatever the fuck. It was irrelevant. She already knew they were bound. But unless any of that could stop her wife from slipping away like this, none of that mattered. All she knew was that in this moment, in this universe, in this timeline, her wife, whom she'd loved for the majority of her time on earth, was about to die.

But I wanted you to stay, Melissa cried. You found me, but you were supposed to stay.

Melissa could feel Barbara trying to hold her tighter. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Melissa.

Barbara's hold was starting to loosen No, I... we had so many years. Don't ap— no, I forgive you. It's ok, Sunny. You can let go. It's ok. I love you.

Barbara looked back up at Melissa, and Melissa angled her neck to kiss her. I love you too, sweetheart. Thank you.

A few hours later, Melissa was finally able to leave the hospital. When she got to the car, she saw the sunflowers still sitting in the passenger seat. Still waiting to reach their destination.

She never thought a flower that had once brought her so much joy could bring her to her knees.

Chapter Text

Next thing Barbara knew, she woke up in a hospital.

Oh my god, Barb, hon, are you ok?

Barbara scanned her body. Her head felt like a particularly nasty headache. Her backside felt a little bruised. But importantly, nothing felt broken or grievously injured.

I… my head hurts a little but I feel mostly fine. I just feel like I fell hard. It probably looked worse than it was.

Melissa smiled and gripped Barbara’s hand a little tighter. There was something that felt… not quite different, but off. Like there was something that was supposed to be there that wasn’t. Well, you did get knocked unconscious and they had to bring you here cause they were worried about internal bleeding. So uh, was kinda bad, but I guess if you’re awake and speaking in complete sentences, then I’ll grab the doc to give us the all clear to get home.

Barbara squeezed Melissa’s hand and smiled at her as she got up to get the doctor. Something felt off about this. Like she’d done all this before. And yet, something also felt different. Like hearing different lyrics of the same tune.

Barbara pushed herself up into a sitting position (even the scratchiness of the sheets had an eery familiarity) and smiled up at the doctor as he strode in behind Melissa.

Ok, Barbara, so Melissa just told me you seem to be feeling fine, nothing out of the ordinary? Nothing feels broken? Are you feeling disoriented at all?

Barbara gave a tight smile. No need to alarm him with this amorphous feeling at the back of my head. No more than anyone else who falls down in a parking lot and the next thing they know they wake up in a hospital.

The doctor laughed, which Barbara supposed was a good sign in itself. Well, in that case, you’re all good to go. My one recommendation is, as much as you can, don’t drive for a few days. But your friend has told me that shouldn’t be too hard since you both work at the same school and she’s happy to pick you up.

For a second, Barbara was thrown.

Why didn’t he call her my wife?

Then, Barbara was thrown again.

Why did I think he should call her my wife? That’s preposterous.

Except it wasn’t.

Barbara couldn’t explain it, but she was remembering bits and pieces of memories she shouldn’t have. The sparks of their first kiss, the adoration in each other’s eyes as they moved in together, Melissa climbing into bed with her as she held each of her daughters for the first time, getting married the week it became legal.

Why would I remember a life I never had?

Hey, earth to Barb, you there?

Barbara blinked. Oh, um, yes. Did I miss something?

Melissa shrugged, Just the doc sayin’ to take it easy. I let Ava know you ain’t comin’ in tomorrow, and Gerald’s also takin’ the day so he can spoil ya. Gotta say, Barb, you married a good one. So, uh, you good?

Barbara stuttered. If these memories were going to be as vivid as they felt, she might as well tell someone about it, and it would be much too loaded to tell her spouse.

I am, I just… I think while I was out I had a very vivid dream that… maybe it wasn’t the best idea to tell Melissa, but it was too late now. I had a dream that we were the ones who were married and Gerald was my best friend.

Melissa raised her eyebrows with an amused smile. If on– I mean sounds like a nice dream.

Barbara was suddenly getting bombarded with all the memories of a crumbling marriage. The searing pain of realizing Melissa's infidelity. The distance, the annoyance, the irritation she felt at being in the same room as her. She could barely tolerate hearing her breathe or eat. However, Barbara had learned her lesson. There was no way she was telling Melissa all of that.

It was. Let’s get out of here

Barbara couldn’t place this feeling. It was like deja vu but it wasn’t. She’d done this before except she hadn’t. She’d returned home to Gerald heating up soup and a nice sourdough bread before. But something felt incorrect when Melissa was the one wishing her well and leaving. Why did everything feel so off?

Okay, Bee, so do you want to tell me what’s actually going on?

Gerald put down his book and took off his reading glasses. He always read some kind of book while he waited for his wife to finish her night routine and join him in bed.

Barbara nodded towards the book he’d just placed on the nightstand. What’s it about?

Gerald looked at Barbara. You’re avoiding my question.

Barbara smirked. And now you’re avoiding mine.

Gerald shook his head with a smile. Fine. I’ll tell you, but then you have to tell me what’s going on with you. Deal?

Barbara nodded. Deal. So, Barbara leaned over Gerald and saw the author in big blue letters, another James Baldwin book?

Gerald shrugged, Another Country. I’ve read this one before. It, um, starts with a man jumping off the George Washington Bridge, but it mainly deals with all the people around him who became closer after his death and people becoming entangled in messy relationships and affairs. It’s hard to summarize, but it’s good. Anyway, what’s going on with you?

Barbara shook her head. Maybe my head is trying to put itself right after the fall, but I keep feeling like I’ve done all this before. But also like something’s… out of place. I don’t know. I’m sure it’s nothing. I’ll be back to normal in a couple days.

Gerald eyed Barbara. Why are you shrugging this off like it’s nothing when I know it’s not?

Barbara huffed, What do you want me to say?

Gerald looked down. I just, I wish, he sighed and said, never mind. I don’t want to get into this right before we go to bed.

Well now I will.

Get into what?

Gerald retreated back a little as he said, I’m not saying you’re being dishonest. That isn’t who you are. That said… I don’t know if it’s because you want to protect me or you don’t want to have a difficult conversation, but either way… I feel like you never tell me if something’s wrong. Or, no, that’s not it. I just feel like, Gerald sighed and said with resignation, you’re distant and I miss you.

Barbara wanted to bristle. She wanted to get her back up and insist that she communicates with him plenty. She’s a Good Wife, she does everything a wife should do. Except, there was something so raw in the way he said that he missed her that tugged at her. Maybe he had a point about her being distant. Being a Good Wife left little room to be herself. If that vivid dream was anything to go off of, being his wife left no room to be who she really was.

This isn’t just about how I’ve been today, is it? Barbara quietly asked as she looked down at the duvet.

Gerald shook his head. Please don’t be mad. There’s a reason I didn’t want to bring this up right before we went to bed.

Barbara folded Gerald’s hand in her own. I’m not mad.

Gerald put his other hand on top of Barbara's and turned to face her more. I just wish… I didn’t marry you because I wanted a wife. I married you because I love you. And I feel like you, Gerald groaned, you’re very good at playing a role, but I don’t want that. I just want my best friend.

Barbara sniffled. Why are there tears in my eyes? Why do I feel like I’m on the precipice of something? You say that now…

Gerald shook his head. The pain in Barbara’s eyes was mirrored in his own. As if it wasn’t just her hurting from playing this role for so long. You’re my best friend. I love you. Trust me. Please. Haven’t I earned that?

He had. Gerald had earned her trust a thousand times over. That wasn’t the issue, though. Barbara had spent years, decades even, building these walls up. They were there for a reason. She wasn’t about to tear it down over pillow talk. I trust you, Gerald. I promise, I do. And I love you too. That’s not what this is about.

Then what? What is it about?

I can’t risk– Barbara’s head began to feel like it was being split open. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. It was just a migraine. Sure, it was more sudden than she’d had in the past, but maybe that was just the fall. Can you get me a couple Excedrin, love?

Gerald, as always, did as he was told. He got a room temperature glass of water and a warm, damp washcloth to put over his wife’s eyes. Forget about what we said. Just go to sleep, baby. I love you. He kissed his wife on the forehead and sleep followed soon after.

Where the awake Barbara only remembered fragments, dream Barbara remembered everything. She remembered tearfully begging Ava to let her say goodbye to Melissa in the hospital, instead of dying in the car like she’d planned. She remembered how she’d left letters for Melissa, both her daughters, and Janine in her desk drawer, how she’d run the divorce papers through the Abbott shredder during her prep period, how she prayed to everyone in the Barbara Schemmenti universe to forgive her. They may have needed her more, but the truth is, they needed Barbara Howard, not Barbara Schemmenti. For once, Barbara felt relieved when she landed in God Ava’s office.

Why am I remembering things? And why hasn’t it been a week here?

God Ava folded her hands and said, Okay so, there’s a reason I don’t do this whole alternate universe shuffle thing. Good news is, I was able to bring you back to the Barbara Howard universe in the same amount of time you were out in the Barbara Schemmenti universe. So you were just knocked out for a couple hours here. Bad news, now that you know about the other universe, there’s some cross-universal bleeding that you just gotta deal with. So you remember the greatest hits, so to speak, of the Barbara Schemmenti universe, but not the whole thing. And that’s bad news because of the migraines like the one you got before you fell asleep. But you already get those so that’s barely bad news! So, really, you’re welcome.

Barbara crossed her arms. What exactly do I have to be grateful for?

Well, now you know that Melissa likes you back and Gerald wouldn't be devastated if you came out to him because he’s gay too. I’ve set the stage for your life to be everything you liked about the Barbara Schemmenti universe.

Barbara scowled, Yes, except I also know that my relationship is destined to crumble and that Gerald will still put his life on hold indefinitely for me. Ava, what I know now is the very thing I want is doomed. How is that a gift?

God Ava groaned and spun in her chair. You humans are impossible. You longed to have Melissa as more than a friend, I gave you that. You realized you’d rather have her in your life as a friend than not at all, I gave you that. You were in tears because you thought you’d forget everything you learned in the Barbara Schemmenti universe, I let you remember as much as your little mortal human brain can handle without literally splitting in half.

Barbara cocked an eyebrow. Didn’t you say that wasn’t on purpose?

God Ava waved her hand. Irrelevant. Point is, I’ve given you everything you asked for, which is pretty rare for me. And instead of thanking me, you’re whining to me about everything you want being doomed, completely forgetting you did have plenty of good moments in the Barbara Schemmenti universe.

Barbara huffed. Yes, but, that was only because it was Barbara Howard living there. It worked because it… what that universe showed me was that if I pursued what I wanted for real, not just being dropped in, I would make everyone I love miserable.

God Ava rolled her eyes, You’re so dramatic. You do not make everyone you love miserable.

Barbara crossed her arms. But I would. And as it is, now I know that Melissa has feelings for me and that Gerald and I are living a lie on a fundamental level, but fixing it would generate more problems.

God Ava leaned forward, Barbara, what you’ve just described is life. That’s it. You try to make things better, you run into obstacles, you figure out what to do about those obstacles, rinse, and repeat. So, what, are you just gonna stay with the way things are because you’re afraid of making mistakes?

Barbara’s nostrils flared. I am not afraid, it’s just–

God Ava snorted, Nah, you’re spooked. That’s part of being a perfectionist, which you very much are. How have you lived so many years on my creation, and you still cling so aggressively to this perfection that will never be achieved. I'm not even perfect, and I'm me!

Barbara softened and chuckled. Don't let my church hear you say that.

God Ava laughed. Girl, the way your churches insist on me being, what was it? Omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient? Is that it?

Barbara fondly shook her head. I think so, but I'm not sure. I always thought that was more of a Catholic thing.

Right, well, I've never been any of those things, I'm just the divine being put in charge of all of this. Honestly, a lot closer to what the Greeks and Romans thought gods were. Except it's just me. Man, I wish I had some more people here I could pin blame on. No, but anyway, back to you being little miss perfect. Point is, you literally are born in mess. Newborns are covered in viscera. Life isn't supposed to be some clean, perfect little thing.

Yes, I'm aware of that, but you're supposed to strive for it.

God Ava cocked her head to the side. Right, so you're telling me that your whole life you're supposed to strive for a goal that you will always fall short on, so you'll always be disappointing on some level?

Barbara neatly folded her hands. Well, the doctrine goes that we're supposed to emulate you as much as we can, but that we'll never achieve it because we're not God.

God Ava rested her forehead in one of her hands and groaned. Again, you Christians and your whole idea of perfection. It's not real, it's never been real, it's some made up thing that has never actually existed. Then, she looked up and pointedly looked into Barbara's eyes. Take it from me, instead of striving for something you will never achieve, put your energy towards having a happy, fulfilling life. And that's gonna be messy as hell, which is the whole damn point. But, that's a goal you can actually reach. And it'll feel a hell of a lot better than trying to be perfect. Besides, like you said, that other version of reality is where you did the correct thing, and look where that got you. Trying to be perfect and always correct is a fool's errand. And I know you, Barbara, and you're no fool.

Barbara sat with God Ava's words. It felt like she was saying to throw away the better part of sixty years worth of work. How was she supposed to simply let go of it? How was she supposed to knock down a wall she'd painstakingly built for so long?

You know, God Ava began, Barbara Schemmenti, the actual one, she did always wonder what her life would've been like had she married Gerald.

Barbara huffed. You mean the version of me who knew she was a lesbian from the start?

God Ava shrugged. Well, she questioned herself a lot. Sure, she acknowledged she liked girls, but she was awfully close to Gerald. Plus, you and Melissa were gay during a time where your life was ten times harder if you were gay. You felt like you couldn't have the same marital issues straight people have. You both were feeling the pressure of being the perfect lesbian couple because for most people, you two were the only out lesbian couple they knew. You two had to carry that weight, and in your own ways, you both buckled under the pressure. And Barbara Schemmenti knew that marrying Gerald would have never had that same expectation of perfection.

But she would have the pressure of living a lie!

And pretending your marriage is fine when it's actively crumbling is being honest?

The fire that ignited at the possibility that a marriage to Gerald would ever be more desirable than a marriage to Melissa extinguished. Is that another universal constant, Barbara hoarsely asked, that I always live a lie on some level?

God Ava sighed. It's a universal constant that you cling so hard to being perfect and you always fall short because, once again, you will never be perfect.

Barbara looked down and toyed with the wedding ring that gleamed on her finger. So where do I go from here?

God Ava chuckled. Now why would I do something like that?

Barbara looked up. What do you mean?

God Ava twirled a pen back and forth around her finger. Tell you how to live your life. Look, I know what your people think of me, but I'm not in the business of setting down rules or telling my creation how to live their life. And before you bring up all those signs people think they see, here's the thing about y'all, you read way too much into things sometimes. Also, y'all love to see whatever you wanna see. You'll hear an ad for a pizza place and see that as a sign to get pizza for dinner. Girl, it's just that you were hungry and you saw an ad and it did its job.

Barbara cracked a smile. She did always question just how many signs were simply coincidences, but she never wanted to say anything lest someone question her seemingly unshakable faith in God. Right, so, there's no right or wrong, either choice will lead to some kind of disaster—

Both will lead to diaster?

Barbara looked questioningly at God Ava. Yes?

A smile that Barbara did not like crept across God Ava's face. How's not coming out to anyone and continuing to live your live as is a disaster?

Barbara sputtered, Well, I... I'm lying to every single person who knows me. Everything I say I am goes against the grain of what I truly am.

God Ava shrugged, I mean... that's what you've been doing your whole ass life. Why's it suddenly a disaster?

Barbara felt herself being more and more backed into a corner, but she didn't know how to stop it. Well it's a disaster now because... because I know the extent to which it is a lie. I have the greatest hits as you call them of being Melissa's wife. And disastrous though it may be, I also know that it was honest in a way life here is not.

God Ava rested her elbows on her desk and rested her chin on her knuckles. Yeah, okay, so what about Marcia, from vacation bible school? Or that girl you went to college with, Gina? And you thought it was just such a pretty name that you had to name your second daughter that. Cause it had nothing to do with the fact that you were madly in love with her and woulda spent a life with her if you didn't get in your own way. Didja know there's an alternate universe where you cave and Gina is Gina junior and you have a whole ass affair with Mellie? Girl, if you thought Barbara Howard was oblivious to who she always was, then maybe you are dumber than I thought.

Barbara crossed her arms, But it didn't hurt before the way it does—, God Ava huffed and pulled a worn journal from a desk drawer. Barbara's journal, the one she kept in her college years. She held it out to Barbara and asked, You telling me that girl wasn't hurting?

Barbara didn't even have to look inside. She saw the waves on the pages, she remembered how she simply let the tears fall on the page.

You ever heard of a thing called compartmentalizing?

Barbara shook her head. But, Ava, come on. College is a tumultuous time for everyone. Your brain isn't even fully developed in those years. The intensity is a universal experience.

God Ava rolled her eyes, Barb, even if those feelings were more intense or whatever you're saying, the point is you still felt them. You can't say you weren't in love with her at all. Plus, think about all those times you've cried about not being the wife Gerald deserves, and how you wished you loved him the way you wanted to. You telling me that woman wasn't hurting either? God Ava's voice got softer as she saw the emotions play out on Barbara's face. I ain't telling you anything you don't already know. I'm just helping you put the pieces together. You said yourself that continuing as is would be disastrous. This is why. So, do you want the disaster where you're drowning with no reprieve or the disaster where you get to come up for air?

Barbara didn't even realize she was crying until she heard the faint splash of tears falling on the cover of her college journal. She was sure there was some symbolism behind the tears shed as a 20 year old mingling with tears shed 40 years later over the same inner turmoil. Something about tears about the beginning of realizing the pain she'd carry throughout her life meeting the tears about ending that very same pain. Well, Barbara sniffled, when you put it like that...

God Ava triumphantly reclined in her chair. Uh huh, that's what I thought.

Chapter Text

Barbara sat at the kitchen island while Gerald finished cooking breakfast for the two of them.

Thank you for taking the day off, hubby. I could’ve taken care of myself.

Gerald turned around with a plate in each hand. Sure, I know you could’ve, but I wanted to take care of you. It’s rare that you let me do that. Anyway, here you go. I made your favorite, sunny side up eggs, toast cut diagonally, half with jam and half just with butter, and some cut up strawberries.

Barbara smiled as she shook some salt on the eggs. Thank you, love. Maybe they didn’t love each other in the way they were supposed to, but Barbara saw clear as day as Gerald settled into the chair next to her at the island that they did love each other.

For a few minutes, they ate in contented silence, then Gerald asked, Oh, I forgot to ask, how are you feeling?

Barbara sighed. Fine. A little bit bruised, but you didn’t have to take the day off.

Gerald cocked an eyebrow. So, that extremely sudden migraine was nothing?

Barbara pursed her lips. Damn you, Ava.

I feel better now.

Gerald nodded and hesitantly pushed around a bit of egg white. So, um, do you want to tell me what you were about to say last night?

She could continue with the excuse she was cooking up. She could easily deflect and delay. Except she didn’t want to. She wasn’t going to prove Ava right. She was not a coward.

Barbara held Gerald’s hand. It’s not that– Barbara took a breath. I love you. That has always been true, that will always be true.

Gerald squeezed Barbara’s hand back. I love you too, baby.

Barbara smiled back. Right, so, I…

Just say it, damnit!

You know he’s gay too!

Stop beating around the bush and proving her right!

I’m a lesbian.

A tightness in the air released and Gerald looked at Barbara with so much love she could cry right then.

Thank you, baby.

Gerald gathered his wife in his arms as she finally admitted through the tears, Gerald, I’m so scared.

Gerald rubbed circles on her back. What are you scared of?

What if I just blew up my life? What if I should have just– what if everything changes for the worse?

Gerald shook his head. Well, we don’t have to change everything right away. We don’t have to change anything. We can figure this out and go at a pace that makes you feel comfortable. It’s ok. Nothing has to change.

Barbara sniffled, But things should change. You should be free to live your life and be yourself and not have me holding you back–

Gerald squeezed Barbara's hand. I’m stopping you right there. You have never held me back or stopped me from being who I am. Sure, maybe I couldn’t say it, but I think in a sense, we were always honest to each other. Besides, we gave each other the girls, and fatherhood is probably one of the most precious gifts you’ve given me. I do not regret a single thing.

Barbara dabbed her eyes with the napkin beside her plate. I… I don’t regret this either. I certainly don’t regret the girls, and I don’t regret our marriage. We built something beautiful together. Even if we… if it looked a bit different than what it was supposed to be, this is still so precious. You’ve changed me for the better, Gerald Howard.

Gerald smiled down at his wife, clearly about to say something thoughtful and sentimental, when the doorbell rang. I’ll get it, Bee, Gerald murmured as he kissed his wife on the forehead. She could see how a younger version of her, who desperately wanted to be someone she was not, would confuse this for romantic love. It made her heart swell and her body fill with warmth. But it didn’t have the desire that she tried to manufacture for so long. That was reserved for the woman that walked through the threshold.

Hey, Barb, how ya feeling? I brought ya some lasagna. If you wanna have it for dinner, just put it in the fridge and heat it at 350 for a half hour. If you wanna save it, just chuck it in the freezer. Oh, uh, Barb, hon, are you ok?

Barbara blinked and asked, Aren’t you supposed to be at school?

Melissa smirked and gave a mischievous shrug. Got a couple cousins who owed me a favor, and I got Janine and Ava basically unlimited access to their arcade for the day. I think Ava was more excited than some’a the kids. God, she’s gonna get way too competitive with them. Ah well, not my problem. Point is, I couldn’t really focus on teachin’ knowin’ you’re recovering. I mean, no offense, Gerald, I know you’re takin’ good care of her.

Gerald nodded, None taken.

Thanks, Ger. But yeah, it’s just hard for me to focus when I just wanna make sure you’re ok.

Gerald looked between the pair of them and said, Actually, Melissa, now that you’re here, I have a couple things to grab from the grocery store. I’m getting eggs and bread, Barb, do you want anything else?

Could you get more of my strawberry special K cereal? How are we doing for milk?

I’ll get some of both. Call me if either of you think of anything while I’m out.

Melissa smirked while Gerald got his coat and keys and headed out the door.

I do appreciate how he just treats me like part’a the family.

Barbara nodded. He does see you that way.

Okay, so, you wanna answer my question before you asked why I ain’t at school?

Barbara tried to play dumb. What question?

Melissa gave her a look. Of course she saw right through her. She always did. Are you ok? Barb, your face is still all puffy. I know you were just crying. Look, if it’s somethin’ between you and Gerald, just tell me it’s none’a my business and you know I’ll respect it.

Barbara wasn’t sure how to do this. With Gerald, there was less of a shift. For years they were loving roommates in all but name. It wasn’t like much was changing. That wasn’t going to be the case with Melissa. And that terrified Barbara because she remembered all these memories or dreams or whatever it was that were seared into her head. She knew how the story began, she knew how the story ended, and she knew it was far from a happy ending. She couldn’t sacrifice her friendship on the altar of a passionate and temporary romance. She loved Melissa far too much to do that. That said, there was something about those memories…

Melissa, can I ask you something? I want you to be honest and I don’t want you to worry about my judgement. I promise I won’t judge you or treat you differently if the answer is yes.

Melissa crossed her arms and looked at her friend curiously. Of course, Barb. What is it?

Barbara looked down and asked, Were you ever unfaithful to Gary?

Melissa snorted, Mkay, that preamble makes more sense now. Nah, actually, I didn’t. I mean, in the spirit of honesty, if I’d met the guy when I was younger… hell if I’d met him a few years ago, I probably woulda. But, I dunno, I guess chasing when you already got someone only appeals when you got the energy to do that. And between work and everything else, I’d rather just be comfy with one person, ya know? I ain’t old, but I also ain’t as young as I used to be. And not sayin’ old people don’t cheat or nothin’, but I dunno. Just ain’t me now.

That was the thing Barbara noticed about these memories, they were both so young. The first time Melissa touched her, she was wearing that long floral skirt she adored in her mid-twenties. When they moved in together, Melissa was in her blonde era (thank the Lord it didn’t last). It was as if they were some kind of divergent timeline. They weren’t the women they were now.

Barbara was sure this all felt so disconnected to Melissa, but her desire to know trumped any desire to make sense. Do you regret Joe?

Melissa paused. You’re really on one today, aren’t you? I dunno. I mean, my knee jerk reaction is yeah because it sure woulda been nice to not go through that divorce and all that mess. But the more I think about it, I dunno if I do. Like, ok, yeah, the marriage was doomed from the start and I probably shoulda left that strunz at the altar, but with that said, I think I almost… I had to make that mistake. Like, I mean, what we felt when we met was very real, and, god, the sex we had when we started datin’, well, Melissa chuckled, I scandalized you enough the first time I told ya. If I didn’t have a cousin on the force, definitely woulda been charged with public indecency. At any rate, that pull and that connection were very much real. So, I guess, if I hadn’t made that mistake, I wouldn’t know it was a mistake. Does that make sense?

Barbara nodded. It does.

Ok, cool. So you have any more questions about my love life, or will you finally tell me what’s going on?

Barbara had these memories of when they were younger, all the times they were nearly caught. How hot-blooded her lover had been. How the pair of them were nearly caught in a janitor’s closet because of how ardent and messy her desire had been. But that wasn’t Melissa now. Melissa wasn’t that kind of impulsive anymore (not that she wasn’t an impulsive person, it had just shifted over time). It was like she was always a river, but she used to be a rapid that swept up anything in its wake and now it was just a steady stream. Still moving and still changing, but not as destructive and careless as it once was.

What’s goin’ on, Barb? You’re startin’ to worry me a little. Should I call Ger–

I’ve loved you from the day we first met.

Melissa blinked, then nervously smiled, Yeah, uh, Barb, I love you too. You’re my best friend.

Barbara sighed and rubbed her temples. No, Melissa, not like that. I’ve loved you, I’ve been in love with you, I’ve wanted you since the day I saw you in those damn cutoff jean shorts and a t-shirt so tight I nearly fainted on the spot. You’re the reason I know that I don’t love my husband the way a wife should because, while I may love him, I’ve never felt about him the way I feel about you.

Melissa looked dumbfounded as she processed everything Barbara had said. Oh, um, ok.

Barbara deflated. Not the reaction I was hoping for but ok.

Melissa’s hand shot out to Barbara’s. Barb, no, it’s not… you kinda just dropped a lot on me to process. But, uh, yeah, I kinda… the day we met I saw you checkin’ me out and then the next day you smiled at me when I told off that one teacher for swiping your glue sticks and I kinda realized I wanted you in my life more than I wanted anything else in the world. But, ya know, by the time I realized anything, you were goin’ steady with Gerald and you looked really happy with him and I didn’t exactly wanna fuck that one up for you. Plus, you know, you were super Christian and all that so I couldn’t imagine you feeling any kinda way other than friendship towards me. So for the last twenty something years, I just kinda made peace with this being all one sided. And now you’re telling me it never was and everything that comes along with that. I’m gonna need a sec to have a proper reaction.

Barbara’s expression softened. Oh, right then. Barbara processed everything Melissa had told her in turn and said, So you’ve felt this way about me the whole time too?

Melissa’s eyes began to redden as she wetly chuckled, Yeah, course I have. Even Joe could see that one. Hell, Gerald probably could too. Frankly, kinda was always surprised about how much we got along. He’s like one of the very few straight guys that I’m genuinely just friends with.

Barbara pursed her lips. She wasn’t sure if this was technically her’s to tell, but this was Melissa. Surely Gerald would understand. Well, Gerald and I talked last night and… we actually have more in common than either of us ever realized.

Melissa furrowed her brows, about to ask what Barbara meant, then put the pieces together. Wait, he’s– oh, yeah, ok that actually does make sense. I got along with him way too well for him to be straight. Well, um, ok, Melissa sank down on the seat next to Barbara. So, um, what do we do from here? Or, I guess, what do you wanna do from here?

Barbara wasn’t sure how to process that question. On the one hand, she was grateful that Melissa wasn’t chomping at the bit to kiss her against the kitchen counter and violently push all the plates to the ground and make love on the island. That wasn’t how she wanted to start things. At the same time, this was Melissa. Barbara began to wonder if there was something unappealing about her. Why isn’t Melissa yanking on her leash to kiss against her the kitchen counter and violently push all the plates to the ground and make love on the island?

Well, what do you want to do from here?

Melissa rubbed the back of her neck. Well, the stuff I wanna do are things I don’t wanna do when your husband could walk through the door at any moment, even if you two aren’t, you know… that it would be fine. Plus, I mean, you’re a bit newer to, you know, openly liking girls. I’ve had a bit more time to settle into that part of me. The last thing I wanna do is push you to do something you’re not ready to do, so, I’ll just say that whatever you want, I want too.

Barbara smiled to herself as she realized that Melissa was actually exercising a herculean level of restraint and it was all for her and her comfort.

Right, well, I suppose…

I could kiss ya if you want. Just to start.

Now that was closer to what Barbara anticipated.

I think I would very much like that.

Chapter Text

In the beginning, Barbara was terrified of change. The memories of another life (did that make them hallucinations?) haunted her. She knew just how catastrophically this could go.

However, she never appreciated just how well this could go either. All of her calculations and memory excavations only dealt with one side of the coin. She never let herself hope or believe in the joy she could have.

She didn’t know how bright things could be, how much happier and vibrant life could be.

So, remind me what Ger is up to tonight?

Barbara smiled as she remembered the pair of them nervously flitting about the house getting ready for their respective dates.

The father of a friend of Gina’s. Apparently he’s also recently come out and I think Gina and her friend just wanted their dads to get their first dates with a man out of the way.

Melissa snorted into her wine glass. Yeah, sounds like Gina. She’s always been a rip the band aid off kinda gal.

Barbara studied the woman who sat next to her on the couch. They’d gone to Talula’s Garden for dinner and taken a walk through Old City to Franklin Fountain for ice cream. For all Barbara’s nerves leading up to the date, it all felt so natural and so right. Maybe it was a date and maybe they were seeing each other in a different light, but they were still the same two women with a decades old friendship. Barbara may not have acknowledged it, but she had loved her for decades. The names and labels might have changed, but the love never did.

What? Melissa nervously laughed, I got a chocolate chip in my teeth?

I love you.

Melissa’s expression softened. Oh, I love you too, Barb.

Barbara bit her lip, took the wine glass out of Melissa’s hand, and carefully placed it on the coffee table. Melissa’s head quirked to the side with a questioning look, then her eyes went wide as Barbara turned to straddle Melissa’s lap.

Oh, wow, ok, yeah, we can do that.

Barbara gave a throaty chuckle as she braced herself on either side of Melissa’s shoulders, We can?

Melissa wound her arms around Barbara and pulled her in closer. She hummed into a kiss, We sure can.

They’d done quite a bit of kissing since that first kiss in Barbara’s kitchen, but Melissa had been taking her cues from Barbara and to say Barbara was cautious would be an understatement. For months, Barbara was so scared of this imagined past repeating itself, but it didn’t. It wasn’t. There was lust, but it wasn’t this all-consuming fire from her memories. She wasn’t the air she needed to breathe. She was the warm bath at the end of a long day. And now, as her lips melted into Melissa’s, she realized that just because she didn’t need her, her entire being wanted her in a way she’d never dared to want before.

Want you, Barbara gasped between kisses. I’ve never wanted– I’ve never felt like this before.

Barbara sank down a little more to grind on Melissa’s thigh and Melissa groaned, Fuck, I’m so– I’ve never had someone want me like this.

Barbara paused and leaned back just enough to furrow her brows at Melissa. Melissa gave a hesitant smile and said, If someone wants me like this, they're just seein' tits and ass. They don’t know me, so they want me. I’ve never had someone know me like you do and still want me.

Barbara exhaled and cradled Melissa’s jaw in her hands. Why don’t we go to bed and I’ll show you just how much I want you?

Melissa blinked and looked at Barbara like she’d seen the reflection of God in her eyes. Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel rushed or for you to do this because I wanna–

Barbara tucked Melissa's hair behind her ear and responded decisively, I suggested that we go to bed because I want to go to bed with you and make love to you, Melissa. I wouldn’t say it otherwise. So?

Melissa surged up and gave Barbara a near bruising kiss. Yes, please, she growled.

Barbara rose up from the couch (with more grace than she thought she would given her knees) and smiled down at the redhead still slightly dazed on the couch. Good girl.

Melissa let out a breath. Jesus, Barb. You really know how to drive me nuts.

It might be Melissa’s house, but Barbara was the one leading her up the stairs. She opened the door to Melissa’s bedroom and tried her best to hide her expression when she saw the bed was halfheartedly made. This was Melissa after all.

Melissa still noticed. Melissa always noticed her.

Yeah, I definitely ain’t you, she murmured with a grimace.

Barbara saw the look on her face and her eyes softened. Well, we’re just going to mess it up anyway. Come here, sweet thing.

Melissa walked to the side of the bed where Barbara was standing. Barbara began to gather the hem of the emerald wrap dress she was wearing in her hands and Melissa nodded when Barbara gave a questioning look. The dress inched its way up, first over her thighs, then her hips, then up her torso, up to the swell of her breasts, then Melissa took the rest of the dress from there and flung it off.

Sorry, just wanted it off, Melissa said with a sheepish grin.

Barbara gave Melissa an amused look. You’re not sorry in the slightest.

Melissa’s fingers began to hover over the button on Barbara’s slacks. Nah, I’m not. You don’t seem too mad though.

Barbara nodded and Melissa began to undo the button and zipper. I certainly don’t mind the view.

A blush blossomed across Melissa's cheeks down to her chest Glad you’re enjoying it. She took off the sleeveless berry blouse that Barbara was wearing and looked appreciatively at her. Gotta say, I got a pretty good view myself.

Barbara wasn’t sure what was happening in her head. On the one hand, it was novel and her very first time. The most she had ever done with a woman was experimental preteen sleepover kisses that were conveniently forgotten by the morning. On the other, something felt so familiar about Melissa. It felt almost like second nature when she pushed Melissa on to the bed and she settled half on top of her and half to the right of her. As if there was some subconscious part of her that had done this for years. The feel of Melissa's lips on her tongue felt like coming home. Melissa's hands grasping and pulling her closer was a warm blanket by the fire.

Despite the seeming familiarity, it was just as present in Barbara's mind that she had never actually done this. Sure, her children were begotten the way most are, but that was different. It was goal-oriented. It was about playing the right part, achieving the correct goal. This was... not that. This was probably what sex was supposed to be all along.

Touch me, Melissa husked, please.

Now that was something she could work with.

Barbara's hand tentatively crept towards Melissa's breast, first cupping, then stroking, then squeezing, then pinching. She dragged her lips from Melissa's to her neck. At first, the kiss was forceful, then that same instinct took over. She didn't know what she was doing, and yet she knew that if she let her teeth graze on that spot on her neck and she rolled a nipple in her hand with a force that bordered on pinching–

Fuck, oh my– shit, Barb, fuck, I’m gonna, Melissa panted as her back arched and her eyes rolled back and she let out a deep moan that Barbara couldn’t help but be proud of. She could feel Melissa's legs tremble against her own, even though her hands hadn't gone any lower than the underside of Melissa's breasts.

As the tremors subsided, Melissa caught her breath and said, Shit, I wanted to take care of you but… you sure you’ve never been with a woman before? Because that was... fuck, I don't even have words.

Barbara smiled and pushed a strand of hair out of Melissa’s face. Only you, love.

Melissa kissed the palm that lingered on her cheek. God, I’m so lucky. I mean, I've always been kinda easy, but I've never... not from just my tits. You're a fuckin' goddess, Barb. Alright, now lemme actually take care of you.

Barbara chuckled at Melissa’s dogged determination to coax pleasure from her. Then, she began to wander lower. Barbara panicked. She wasn’t like Melissa. She didn’t experience pleasure so readily and eagerly as her. She looked down and warned, If I’m not, you know, it’s not that I’m not aroused–

Barb, you’re fuckin’ soaked, I dunno what you’re talking about.

Barbara didn’t know how to respond to that, but that didn’t matter as Melissa’s tongue and fingers began to explore between her thighs. She could feel soft lips taking their time, leaving kisses on top of her thighs, then slowly upward and inward. As she got closer, those soft lips became paired with a firm, insistent tongue and hungry teeth, and Barbara could feel her hips starting to jerk at the sensation. It was never like this. Just feeling the exhale of Melissa's breath against her (apparently) soaked clit made her gasp. She had never felt so wound up.

Yeah? Melissa peeked up at Barbara, and Barbara pitifully nodded.

Please, please, please, dear god above I need you. Please, Melissa.

Melissa smirked and gave a tentative lick that skittered against the source of Barbara's wetness. Barbara whimpered (no one had ever made her do that before), and Melissa got the message as the licks turned into lewd kisses against where Barbara needed her most.

If there was one thing that Barbara had always known about Melissa, it was that when she was determined to do something, nothing would get in her way from doing that thing. Now, that meant her complete undivided focus on coaxing pleasure from Barbara, and she was doing a fine job at that. Looking down, all she saw was waves of auburn crashing on her shores, and, as Melissa entered Barbara and curled a finger inside of her, Barbara's fingers were drawn to the sea.

Mhmm Melissa hummed as Barbara’s gripped tightened. Well, with that kind of response, Barbara’s other hand joined and Melissa’s moans joined Barbara’s as she careened faster and faster towards her peak. The kisses got sloppier and louder, the thrusting and curling more insistent.

Don’t stop, don’t stop, please, Melissa, don’t stop, Barbara gasped.

Melissa emerged just enough to gasp, Ain’t plannin’ on it babe, then went right back to work. Barbara could feel any sort of control she was clinging on to slip away as she moaned in a way that she didn’t even recognize. Any care she had about her appearance faded as she writhed and jerked against Melissa, alternating between moans and babbling Melissa's name. Then, two green eyes peered out from the ocean, and that was enough to make waters crash against the waves.

Melissa eased out and wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. Well, she said with a satisfied smile, you definitely don't have to worry about not getting wet for me.

Barbara chuckled, then her eyes widened when she saw the darkness on the sheets. Melissa crawled up and kissed her cheek. Don’t worry about it, baby. Melissa gently took Barbara's chin in her hand and kept Barbara's eyes on her and not the bedding, It was hot, and it’s not like these are my only sheets.

Barbara smiled back. Well, if you say so.

I do, I very much say so.

Melissa cuddled up into Barbara's side, and Barbara curled around her. The pair laid there for a minute in the afterglow, then Melissa said, There’s something about this, about us.

Barbara adjusted to look at Melissa, What do you mean exactly?

Melissa shrugged. I dunno, you just feel, like even though it’s our first time, it’s so natural. Maybe it’s just cause we’ve been friends for decades but, yeah, no, sex never starts out this good. It's like there was no learning curve. You loved me like someone who's done that for years. I dunno, I've never believed much in fate or anything like that, but I feel like the only explanation is that we were meant to be.

Barbara kissed her forehead, It certainly feels that way.

Melissa draped her thigh over Barbara's and stroked her calf with her toe. It’s funny, cause of course I wanna say that we shoulda been doin’ this the whole time. God, I wish someone coulda fucked me like this for years. But then, I think about how I kinda had to be a dumbass with Joe and you had to build your whole family with Gerald and… I guess, my knee jerk reaction to this, considering I've had a thing for you from the very beginning, is that we've wasted all this time. But I think about it more and I realize that we weren't wasting time. This mighta been a long time coming, but I think it had to happen this way.

Barbara pulled Melissa in closer. I couldn’t agree more.