Archive of Our Own

Throughout the course of the year, the Phantom Thieves have had to put up with their leader, Ren Amamiya, really living up to his codename, "Joker". To this end, they, along with a few of his confidants have compiled a list of 100 items that he can no longer do.

Ren received the list one morning, and this is what it said:

1. ---

   Not allowed to watch Featherman while it’s my shift in Leblanc.
2. I am not a shapeshifter
3. My code name is “Joker,” not “Jonkler”, “The Boy Who Got Probation”, or “The Clown Prince of Crime.”
4. Our calling card slogan is “Take Your Heart.” It is not “All Your Base Are Belong to Us.”
5. I will go to bed at a reasonable time.
6. Not allowed to threaten anyone with a change of heart (we’re trying to be hidden here)
7. Not allowed to ask for anyone’s full names. We know you will only use it for evil.
8. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission no longer applies to Ren Amamiya.
9. The batting cages has agreed to unban me provided I stop bending the bats every time I miss.
10. I will no longer attempt to modify my handgun to be five guns at the same time, “y’know, like in The Simpsons.”
11. I will no longer rent adult DVDs from the shop in Central Street.
12. No, you can’t buy them from Shinjuku either.
13. I will not wear a white suit and call myself the Dragon of Dojima while I’m in Shinjuku.
14. I am also not a “former lawyer turned private detective” and will not introduce myself as such.
15. Not exactly something you shouldn’t do but you get weirdly into the roleplay at the maid café and we fear for your psychological health.
16. No longer allowed to sing “Sweet Caroline” in the Velvet Room.
17. Stop quoting The Mask, we are begging you.
18. Especially Son of the Mask.
19. You’re not meditating in the temple, you’re napping: we know the difference.
20. I will not wrap the parked car in Akihabara with a Phantom Thieves wrap.
21. I will not do “hardcore parkour” on Shujin grounds, outside Shujin grounds, or anywhere.
22. Please don’t drag Ryuji, Sumire, and Mishima into doing parkour too. The amount of windows we had to replace really ate into the school budget.
23. Stop drawing dicks on the chalkboard in the classroom, no matter how anatomically correct those dicks are.
24. I will not draw an especially tiny one and label it “Mr. Ushimaru.”
25. I will not form an auxiliary Phantom Thieves group “just in case.”
26. I will no longer spike the Leblanc curry with Carolina Reapers.
27. No longer allowed to buy beans from Starbucks.
28. I am not from Britain, and my previous school was not Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
29. I don't sleep in a cupboard, I sleep in an attic, and yes there's a difference.
30. I will not ask for Risette tickets from Ann. Even if she could, she wouldn’t give them to you. We know you too well.
31. Do not dare Ryuji to kick down doors with his bad leg. He will always do it.
32. Morgana isn’t a cat.
33. Please stop asking Yusuke to paint nude portraits of the Phantom Thieves.
34. We know there’s a market, it’s just that we all know he’s just going to paint Ann.
35. There may be a market for Makoto and Haru as well but we know he’ll just paint Ann.
36. No longer allowed to call Makoto a robot.
37. I will not have Mishima dox the guy who 1v1’d me in Street Fighter.
38. I will not ask Futaba to do it either, no matter how eager she seems to be for the challenge.
39. Not allowed to ask Haru to plant marijuana coca leaves ANY plant-based drug on the school roof.
40. Just because fungi aren't plants doesn't mean I'm allowed to grow magic mushrooms either.
41. The Detective Prince’s proper name is “Goro Akechi” and not “Groo”.
42. Iwai’s gecko tattoo doesn’t mean he can stick to walls.
43. Stop asking Iwai about the Yakuza, he got out for a reason.
44. I will not ask Iwai to introduce me to the Dojima clan.
45. He also doesn’t know who Jo Amon is.
46. I will stop trying to convince Ichiko Ohya that American cryptids are real.
47. I will no longer ask Dr. Takemi for cooties medicine.
48. Not allowed to ask “Becky” for a nuru massage.
49. I will not join the maid agency to become a butler.
50. I will also not join the maid agency to become a maid.
51. Shinya is too young for airsoft, let’s wait a few years first.
52. I will stop signing up Sae Niijima for Tinder Bumble Hinge ANY dating app.
53. I will also pay for any soundproofing in Makoto’s room in case I come over. We aren’t repeating that incident for the third time.
54. I am forbidden to declare jihad.
55. I am forbidden to declare Butlerian Jihad.
56. I am not the Lisan al Gaib.
57. Will no longer suggest the male members of the thieves to wear skirts unless you bought skirts for all of them.
58. Will no longer suggest the male members of the thieves to wear skirts even if you bought skirts for all of them.
59. We cannot kick Shadow Kamoshida in the balls. Not that we don’t want to, it’s just that we don’t think he can feel it because he’s just so tall, and we’re like mice in comparison. I don’t know how well that plan would’ve gone through.
60. Shadow Madarame is not the final boss of Live A Live. How dare you, actually.
61. He is also not the final boss of Undertale.
62. Yes, Shadow Kaneshiro is named after Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies. Yes, he is fat. No, we will not call him “Buzzfeed”.
63. Makoto has politely asked the male Phantom Thieves to stop staring at Shadow Sae.
64. Shadow Shido’s main motivation is not “dropping a colony on the evil Earth Federation”.
65. Will no longer ask Shadow Shido if he’s been to the Cloud District very often.
66. The Holy Grail is not filled with Kool-Aid.
67. I am not Old Snake, and Maruki is not Liquid Ocelot.
68. Adam Kadmon is not a Metal Gear.
69. It is also not a Human Reaper “y’know, like in Mass Effect 2.”
70. We had a very long talk about this but we cannot recreate old Palaces once they’re gone.
71. We don’t care how much you miss the song that played in the bank’s loudspeakers, we literally cannot do it.
72. I will not let my cognitive self take point in Mementos missions.
73. Also not allowed to blame my cognitive self for random incidents. We know it’s you who clogged the toilet that night.
74. Crucifying mice — bad idea.
75. Not allowed to quote Pulp Fiction during Shadow interrogations.
76. Not allowed to challenge Shadows in “the fields of honor.”   
77. Morgana’s codename is “Mona” and not “Moaner”
78. No longer allowed to quote Whip It by Devo when giving orders to Panther.
79. Panther’s outfit is not painted on latex.
80. I will not re-enact the music video to I’m On A Boat with Skull and Captain Kidd.
81. I will also not play the Pirates of the Caribbean theme whenever Skull is here.
82. We are overriding Skull’s input on the last 2 items.
83. No longer allowed to see if Fox can “pull an Okami” and use his brush like a blade.
84. I will not give Oracle a wheelchair to sit in while she’s inside Necronomicon, it’s too obvious.
85. I will not have Queen paint Johanna with red “because if the Orks from Warhammer 40K can do it so can we.”
86. I will no longer call Makoto the least-stealthy thief because she is “dummy thicc and her claps keep alerting the shadows”.
87. Not allowed to touch Noir’s grenade launcher. We needed the Shadows blasted away last time, not showered in glitter.
88. Violet uses lever actions, yes. That does not mean she's from the "Wild West".
89. Crow is not a Jedi.
90. Crow in his black uniform is not a Sith.
91. He is also neither Anakin Skywalker or Darth Vader.
92. I will not sing “Hot for Teacher” in front of Ms. Kawakami.
93. We’ll apologize for the aftermath of the ship heist but that’s the only concession we’ll make this list.
94. Okay fine, we’ll add a new song to the battle playlist.
95. We will consider “Move Bitch” by Ludacris in the rotation but ONLY when we’re in the bus.
96. I will not go to Iwatodai and demand that the Shadow Operatives “pay up for stealing our fighting techniques”
97. Will not make an RPG based on our adventures.
98. Will not make a gacha game based on our adventures.
99. Even if you change our names and swap around our personalities.
100. We will consider the dancing game based on that collective dream but you will be paying for the dance lessons.
101. We did, in fact, see this coming.

After reading the list, Ren swiftly put it down and sighed. He then proceeded to down his curry and coffee then headed out to do poorly choreographed parkour in Yongen-Jaya with Morgana in his bag.