Chapter Text
I killed the higher-ups elders. The old men who were in charge of the system. The old men that sent young sorcerers to death. The same people that caused Haibara his death. It was so easy and quick. There was no resistance. His brain blew out with one flick. They were so weak and frail. Why did I even bother to work with them?
Suguru—
I’ve killed them.
You were right.
Suguru, you were right. You were right all along.
You were right the whole time.
This is all meaningless. Everything I've done to archive in these years without you. It was all pointless.
Sorry.
I was thinking I can prove you wrong. I thought I could reset this rotten world. I wanted to let you see that it could’ve been different. I wanted to prove you were wrong. That we could’ve lived more than just being mere weapons. That if you’ve spoken to me, we could’ve found a way to change this shitty place. Together. If we can do it together, I can do it by myself. Because I am the strongest, I can change that rotten world. You were wrong for leaving. You were wrong for not believing in me. You were wrong. I wanted to prove that to you.
Or perhaps, I wanted to go back.
To those times.
I am stupid. I am so blind. I can't see anything. Is that why you left me behind? Since that day, I don’t feel like I grew any smarter. I am still the same. I didn’t grow up.
I lived my life chasing an ideal that you told me is meaningless. I thought I could be a bigger person. That I could be different from those senile elderly higher-ups.
Who am I?
I killed them. These people you hated. You wanted them dead too, weren’t you? Just like those non-sorcerers. You wanted to make a world where people like yourself, and innocent young sorcerers didn’t have to be thrown into meat grinders anymore. You wanted a world where Amanai and Haibara didn’t have to die.
I have known that since the beginning. But I wanted to prove you wrong. Maybe I just wanted to make a point that if you believe in me, things could’ve been different.
I was just pissed you left. I didn’t give a shit that you killed people. I wanted no more but for you to regret leaving and come back to me, admitting you were wrong. I thought if I can prove that I can reset this system, you’ll come back.
But…
You did the stupid thing like the night parade of a hundred demons. You gave me no choice. Why couldn’t you just stay quiet in your little cult? Just do your own thing away while I try to change this place?
You made me kill you.
I killed you under the orders of these elders I killed just now.
Until now, I didn’t want to kill them because that’ll mean I killed you for nothing. I’ve avoided doing this, especially after I killed you. I still wanted to prove a point. I still wished to be the bigger person. Because I killed you, I have no choice but to succeed, don’t I? I have to live up to my ideals. You gave me no choice. I have to make it real now.
I killed them.
It was meaningless. I cannot change this world.
I hate elders. Unlike kids, elders are like rocks. They cannot change and will not accept changes. You can’t educate elders. I’ve tried. I’m tired of trying.
Suguru, is it my fault Nanami died? Nobara too? Yaga-sensei too? Oh, wait, you've never met Nobara. She's my student. She has super bad personality. But I feel like she can get along with your girls. She was into fashion.
Nanami wasn’t stupid. He knew this world was rotten. He could’ve chosen to follow you. He understood your thoughts. I bet he must've considered it a dozens of time. But, he chose me because he believed in me. He thought I could make a difference. He wanted to believe in a better world. He placed his faith in me that there can be a world where everyone can coexist in mutual benefit.
Suguru, that day, why didn’t you ask me to go with you?
Did you pity me? Did you see through me? That was why you asked me that question?
Who am I?
If that day, I didn’t decide to prove you wrong, Nanami wouldn’t have returned to the Jujutsu Tech. He would’ve just lived his life as a normal salary man, or perhaps, he would’ve joined you. He was a nice guy. He was sick of this place. If I didn’t invite him back into Jujutsu Tech, he wouldn’t have died. I was selfish. I was lonely. When he called me, I was happy. I greeted him and I brought him back. I had an ally. I thought I could prove you wrong by having strong allies by my side. I could make this world so no one had to die anymore. No one had to suffer anymore. I still wanted to prove you wrong.
Suguru, do you know that child prodigies often fail as adults? The ones who were the best in classes often turned out to be nothing. They are only the best in the classroom. Because we are so used to being the best, we don’t want to lose in anything. We don’t want to admit that we can be wrong because that’ll be like admitting we’re not the best. I’m not an idiot, so I’ll make this work.
…I think I’m not as special as I think. I had been told since birth that I’m strong and special. My clan put all their pride and hope on me. I am the best. I am a genius. Therefore, I am right and I have to prove it. I have nothing but jujutsu. This is the fibre of my existence. I hate the idea of being ordinary. Being no one scared me shitless. Being insignificant. That’s what I meant by I never grew up. I’ve always been stuck in that place where you left me.
You made me question my own existence. I wanted to prove you wrong so I can be sure that I’m right.
If I am right, I am myself. I am the strongest.
I killed you for nothing…
It was meaningless.
You were right all along. It was pointless trying to change the system. This shithole is rotten to its core. Honestly, I felt it somewhere inside me. You could’ve been right all the way. But I denied those doubts. When I killed you, I kept thinking I have to change this world. But, for what?
For this ideal, I killed you. It meant nothing. I chased over nothing. Null. In the end, all I proved is that you’re right and I’ve been doing nothing the whole time, but chasing an empty dream. If I followed you, I wouldn’t have pushed Yuta this far. I boxed Yuta into the expectations. He’ll suffer because of that. Yuji didn’t have to be hurt and lose so many important people. Megumi could’ve lived like the twins you kept. Nobara didn’t have to die. Yaga-sensei might have lived.
I wish I'd killed these old shitheads earlier. You were right. This is all meaningless. I understand now. I proved it myself. My ideals are stupid. I cannot change anything. I only led these people to demise. You are so beloved by your followers because you’re keeping them away from this shithole. I taught my students to be strong so they won’t die, knowing some of them might die in the process. I didn’t care. Strength is what I grew up with and the only world I know. I don’t know anything else. I expect my students to be as good as me. I cannot let go of my power. It’s just like you said. Were you mocking me for having no personality outside what I’m born with? That’s very like you. Only you can mock me where it hurts.
You proved me wrong. My ideals died. It’s not because I’m weak. It’s simply because my ideals were never realistic in the first place. Why did I refuse to accept this for so long? Because then I have to admit you were right and I’m wrong. I want to be understood. I wanted you to come back to me without me asking. I wanted you to come back to me, proud. I wanted you to praise me for being amazing for changing the world. I wanted to make it real to prove you wrong.
But, I can’t deny that anymore. You were right.
So, I killed you for nothing at all, and I killed the people that ordered me to kill you. I can’t do anything right. I can only ruin things. I’ve been chasing nothing my whole life. What do you think about having a death anniversary with me? That’ll be funny, right? I want to die on the same date as you!
Man, do you know Shouko was fine with my body being mutilated? I told you she’s crazy. I think you’re the only normal one. She’s so heartless. She must have felt nothing too when she did the autopsy on Haibara’s corpse. She can look at the corpses of the people she knew as ‘things’. She’s way more heartless than me. She scares me sometimes. She can fully remove her emotions from her work. That's a true sociopath. She can stay that calm no matter what the situation is. Don’t you think she’s the one lacking personality?
Why don’t you ask her? Are you heartless because you’re Ieiri Shouko, or are you Ieiri Shouko because you’re heartless? Why just me? You’re always so nice to her. You’ll even call her out to meet instead of me. Unfair! I know you won't let anyone mutilate my body. You're too kind...
Whatever. I don’t care what they’ll do with my body after I die. Being mutilated by her is better than being sold in black market. I’m afraid they're gonna do weird things to my balls. Plus, I don’t think I deserve a nice funeral when you don’t get one. They can tear my body apart like they did yours. That way, we’ll be the same.
Suguru…
I regret everything.
I regret killing you for nothing.
I regret I can’t give you a proper funeral.
I regret this life.
I didn’t do a single right thing. I failed in everything. I am a failure. I can’t do anything.
If that day I chose you over my ideals and identity, would things be different? I am simply too selfish to be able to do that. I want others to understand me, but honestly, I cannot understand others and I do not feel the need to. Everyone always puts their faith in me. It’s hard. I'm ashamed if I can't be the best. I sometimes want to be alone, but I don't want to be lonely. Everyone wants me around because I'm strong, reliable, and can get the work done. I'm convenience. I've always hated that.
I still can’t believe Nanami died. I thought he wouldn't die so easily. He was my ally. I overestimated him. If I went with you that day, maybe Nanami would’ve joined us instead. He put too much faith in me. I feel bad. Or maybe not? I guess he’ll just be a bystander then. Then, we could have gathered the best young sorcerers, cultivate them into strong sorcerers, and let them flourish outside that pond of mud. That way, maybe we could’ve really made a difference.
Yuji too. Megumi too. Yuta. They could've grown very well if you were their teacher. They didn't have to fight for anyone but themselves. Megumi didn't have to be possessed. Yuta didn't have to be a monster. They became like that because they had faith in me. They believed me and they had hope in me. I am selfish and I only think about myself. You would've thought about them more. If we cultivated them together, just how powerful would they be? Unchained by rules and stupid stereotypes. Free. Strong. Not having to die for anyone. We could've won.
This is what you wanted, right? You want these children to be safe. Sorry. I ruined your hope. I stomped on your will. I didn't understand. Sorry, Suguru. I was wrong. I won’t deny it anymore. I acknowledge you know better than me. You’re more realistic. I lost to you.
Are you laughing? You know I would fail since day one, didn't you? I accept this while I walk away from the corpses of these old farts. It’s about time. They’re too old anyway. They have no business staying here. They should’ve died earlier. I should have killed them for you. Back then. With you. We could've entered this room together and twist them together. What was I thinking when I heeded their orders? Why am I always so... stupid?
Why didn't I accept it earlier that my ideals were meaningless? I wanted to make a purpose. That there was a meaning behind killing you off. I wanted to prove it to myself. You know? I was so close to murdering them when I thought Yuji died, but then... it would mean you died for nothing. When I thought about that, I became a coward. I made a big mistake. I was too afraid to face it. Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry, Suguru.
Sorry.
I know you’re not mad at me. You’re never mad at me for anything. I know you've forgiven me. You always did. Like when I ordered too much food so you have to finish them for me? Or when you know I'd be thirsty in a mission but was too lazy to bring water bottle, so you brought two? What are you? My mom? I liked that. You're always scolding me. I missed being scolded by you.
I’m just mad at myself. Why did I choose this? How can I be this stupid? What I’m trying to do is equivalent to a fish trying to soar in the sky. Even for the strongest fish, the impossible is impossible. Yet, I tried to challenge that. I made it my ideal. Honestly, it's easier to kill every single non-sorcerers for me. If I was you, your ideal world would've become real. Why did I even choose the impossible way?
I was wrong.
You were right.
I'm sorry, Suguru. I am late. Now, I am doing what you want. I know it's too late but I'm catching up with you. I'm finally here.
"I killed them, Suguru."
Suguru… Why won’t you tell me anything? Why won't you look at me?
Hey, Suguru, why did you not ask me to go with you that day? Suguru… without you, I am lonely. You could've just say 'come', and I would've gone with you. Whisk me away. But you didn't do that. You didn't want to wield me as your weapon. You wanted me to live as a human. Because of that, I became someone else's weapon. And after my death, I will still be used as a weapon. I don't know how I am supposed to be a human without you. I cannot be truly be happy in this world when you're no longer here. What am I supposed to to in this world, without you?
Why didn’t you say ‘yes’ when I asked if we should kill those cultists? I'd rather be your weapon. I'd rather kill for you. You wanted to create a world where I can be a human. You were thinking for my sake. You wouldn't wield me as your weapon. You made me a human. I wouldn't have minded being your weapon.
Why did you leave me behind?
Why?
Suguru...
I am lonely...
Don’t leave me alone…
