Work Text:
Following the revelation of the Extermination due to Charlie Morningstar's performance at the tribunal, many angels began to develop dissent regarding the work of the Exorcists, much to the chagrin of Adam, who was accustomed to receiving every kind of respect from everyone. To solve the problem and raise his reputation a little, Sera proposed that Adam lead the Sunday's Holy Mass personally, so that everyone could see how holy he was.
However, Adam felt particularly nervous about the task entrusted to him; after all, even if it was certainly not the first time he had conducted a sacred ceremony (he had invented sacred ceremonies after all!), it had been thousands of years since he had even attended one and he was afraid of not remembering everything perfectly. Sera then advised him to put a few drops of tequila in a glass of water and drink it to relieve the tension.
It worked. Adam became so elated that he could have led the Holy Mass in the middle of a battle.
Upon returning home, however, he found a letter on the table that bore Sera's seal, a sign that it must certainly have been sent to him by her. Intrigued, he opened it and read:
Dear Adam,
Congratulations! I don't think I've ever seen a more excited crowd at a Holy Mass. You did an excellent job, and each of your initiatives involved the faithful so much that they all left the church entertained and satisfied. In particular I wanted to thank you for the new crucifix that you had placed in the celestial church, truly an example of virtue and dedication. It's safe to say your reputation is skyrocketing again! However, there are some tips that I feel obliged to give you:
1) Next time put a few drops of tequila in a glass of water, not a few drops of water in a glass of tequila. The results can be quite unpleasant.
2) It is not very orthodox to put lemon and salt on the unleavened bread that is supposed to serve as a wafer.
3) When you need to clean your face, do not use the altar shroud.
4) Paradise is the kingdom of the heavens, not of the underworld.
5) Hell is the kingdom of the underworld, not of the heavens.
6) You cannot call Judas "that fucking son of a bitch" and his mother and father weren't a slut and an inglourious bastard.
7) God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are not "the old retard, junior and the cheese ghost".
8) There are 10 commandments, not 15.
9) The first commandment shouldn't be interpreted as: "You will have no other God besides me? Nice. Very cool. It bothers you that other religions exist, eh, old man? More fun than yours, to boot! And your egocentrism is disconcerting: that's who I got it from, now everything is clear!"
10) After reading the second commandment you shouldn't comment: "That 'Oh God' that I make the young chicks scream in bed is surely not uttered in vain!"
11) When you read the seventh commandment, avoid muttering: "Don't commit impure acts? Specify 'impure'! What does it mean? This stuff isn't entirely clear to me... well, it will definitely have to do with something funny which as always the big boss doesn't like"
12) The ninth commandment shouldn't be interpreted as: "You mustn't want the woman of others, but nothing is said about the man, so you ladies in the room know that I am free game!"
13) The toilet you urinated in the middle of the Holy Mass was actually the confessional, and it's not nice to swear because there's no toilet paper.
14) The guy sitting in the front row, even though he looked like a "pathetic fagot with any hope with women", was actually Saint Peter.
15) The idea of inviting the faithful to applaud was laudable, but jumping on the tables and dancing the macarena seems exaggerated to me.
16) The wine they gave you was the sacred offering, not an aperitif to be eaten with an accompaniment of cheese and ham.
17) Wear underwear, and when you're hot, take off your tunic, not your pants.
18) The cup full of water next to the altar is there for baptisms, not to cool your sweaty neck.
19) When sinners die they go to Hell, not "to get fucked".
20) When talking about Lucifer it is not customary to scream: "Fuck you, you unrepentant little bastard!"
21) The Holy Mass was supposed to last one hour, not two periods of 45 minutes each.
22) The girl dressed in black wandering through the crowd was your lieutenant Lute, not "that fucking referee".
23) The deadly sins are not the sins of women.
24) There are 7 deadly sins, not 12.
25) There are 12 apostles, not 7.
26) The girl you made a rude gesture that I don't feel like describing now wasn't the Princess of Hell in disguise but Emily. I know they are similar, but please recognize the differences.
27) The Hazbin Hotel didn't exist at the time of the Great Flood.
28) It is certainly not nice to define the residents of the Hazbin Hotel as "weak and useless scumbags".
29) The one who was sitting next to the altar wasn't "some ugly chick who thinks she's cool but isn't", but me.
30) The Holy Mass ends with a "have a good day", or at most with a "goodbye", but certainly not with "what a fucking headache, everyone get the fuck out of here..."
For the rest, the Holy Mass was fine. Continue like this!
Kind regards,
Sera