Work Text:
They weren't on vacation, they were in hell.
There was barely any food, the mattresses sucked ass, everyone always stunk to high heaven, because they were only allowed to shower like once a week.
It was like living in a frat house in hell.
So Crank wanted to organize the place a little, to make it a little bearable.
So he proceeded to write his "Rules" on like five small pieces of paper.
He then proceeded to use a knife to stab it into the wall.
Hoping maybe someone will read it.
Lets go through it shall we.
Number one: We are already in cramped living quarters, so please please stop leaving boots, boxes from the Red Cross, and anything else I can trip and die over in the middle of the night on the floor, we have a table and storage for a reason.
Number two: Don't piss out the windows, because one eww, two how lazy are you, and three eww.
Number three: Please do open the windows during the summer, because it smells god awful during the summer.
Number four: Ham stop fucking stealing all the pillows, nobody has a pillow in a ten bunk radius. Why do you need so many goddam pillows?
Number five: If you do decide to fornicate with each other, please don't do it on our table, because eww. We eat there.
Number six: Please contribute to cleaning, I'm getting tired of Bucky sneezing his brains out, that can't be good for him.
Number seven: Keep your area clean, I would love just a little organization.
Number eight: Whatever you do, don't let DeMarco cut your hair, Ham and Buck learned that lesson the hard way.
Number nine: I'm cool with cuddling, and whatever else you do. But if your physically making a wooden bunk shake from wherever physical activity your doing Bucky and Buck, I'm going to ask questions.
Number ten: Ham please stop masturbating so dam loudly.
Number eleven: DeMarco and Brady, stop having sex under the bunkbeds.
Number twelve: If you're gonna cook a cat, please cook it outside. It smells god awful in here everytime you do.
Number thirteen: Ham please don't tell DeMarco why you keep making cat toys, your breaking his heart. He misses Meatball enough.
Number fourteen: Whoever thinks it funny to scream in German at three in the morning, so you can watch us scram in our underwear, I will hunt you down personally.
Number fifteen: There's enough beds for everyone, you guys don't have to cram all together, now during winter that's a different story.
Number sixteen: Brady stop snoring so dam loudly, you sound like a dam train. Nobody is getting any sleep. I will smother you with a pillow don't tempt me.
Number seventeen: Nobody is allowed to disturb me during my wood carving, that is my peace and quiet. I don't wanna hear about how Ham stole your pillow and won't give it back, because one I'm not your mother, and two what were you doing leaving it unattended?
Number eighteen: Hambone skin your dinner somewhere else, we are worried that you just might skin us in our sleep.
Number nineteen: Checkers is supposed to be a peaceful game, not a rage inducing game. So stop cheating Bucky.
Number twenty: Brady when you smoke your pipe, please open the windows. Don't be like Smokey and kill us with the stench, because it lingers.