Work Text:
The 100th were definitely big, and scary men, at least that's what they pretended to be.
When in reality they couldn't even kill a spider.
So Ken getting sick and tired of having to rescue his idiot co workers made a guide for them to follow.
Of course he knows they will still scream for him.
But it's the thought that counts.
Number one: Breathe it's just a spider, it can't hurt you.
Additionally: Guys, I understand if it was fucking huge, but most of the time they are the size of a pin, grow a pair please.
Number two: Ham are you okay? Like no mans scream should be as high as yours.
Number three: Throwing random objects at it, will do nothing Buck.
Number four: Don't jump on top of random objects, that can't hold your weight.
Number five: Bucky stop sacrificing yourself to the spider to save Buck, because again it can't hurt you.
Number six: Dickie stop putting Curt on your shoulders to save him, you two are worse than Buck and Bucky.
Number seven: Don't bother Helen, your
supposed to be protecting her from the big scary monster, not hiding behind her Nash.
Number eight: Curt smacking it with the broom, is just gonna piss it off.
Number nine: Dickie don't pick it up and fling it at people.
Number ten: Don't kill it unless you absolutely have to, not that you guys can kill it.
Number eleven: Smokey stop hiding behind the bar.
Number twelve: Stormy don't smack it with your files.
Number thirteen: DeMarco for the last time Meatball is as terrified of spiders as you. So stop trying to get him to eat them.
Number fourteen: Douglass fainting doesn't help.
Number fifteen: Brady stop jumping in peoples arms.
Number sixteen: Not all of them are pregnant, that was just one time.
Number seventeen: Blakely stop trying to get the spider drunk.
Number eighteen: Don't set it on fire either Quinn.
Number nineteen: Kidd, Harding you are worse than them, stop hiding in your office saying you have work when in reality, I know your standing on your desk chairs.
Number twenty: Bubbles is the designated spider catcher when I'm unavailable.
Number twenty one: Crosby screaming like a girl, and throwing up doesn't help.
Number twenty two: Wherever you got the comically large net Bucky, please return it to cartoon land because really.
Number twenty three: Running away from the spider doesn't fix your issue.
Number twenty four: Bucky playing dead doesn't work either.
Number twenty five: Someone check on Babyface because he actually has a phobia of spiders unlike you morons.
Number twenty six: Spraying it with whatever your spraying it with, doesn't work either it just pisses it off.
Number twenty seven: Don't let the spider bite you Winks, I don't care that Bucky told you it'd give you powers. Bucky is an idiot we've established this.
Number twenty eight: Shooting it is overkill I'm just saying.
Additionally: Where did you get a gun Hambone?
Number twenty nine: All of you have to stop hiding in my Jeep until I deal with the spider, it's annoying especially when I'm trying to do my work.
Number thirty: I'm always here, for spider killing, and rescue, also I'm here for moral support through your traumatic experience. It's gonna be okay. We are going to get through this.