Work Text:
Red is deemed the unfun parent, the evil step parent of the 100th.
Mostly because he knows the manual from back to front.
I'm not even kidding, Rosie saw him reading it as light reading during breakfast.
He even has notes, notes on how to improve the manuel.
This man has notes to improve a manuel.
Like who the fuck does that?
So that's why he gets the titular title of unfun parent.
Slash evil step parent, but that one is because the 100th won't stop watching Cinderella and Bambi on repeat.
The 100th calls him Evil Step Mother and or the guy who shot Bambi's mom.
But he's not doing this to be mean, he's doing it because he cares about the men and women of the 100th.
So during one of the 100ths famous parties, he was in his office typing away well healthily drinking.
He swears Bubbles and Crosby were going at it just outside, he at that moment made a note to have Bubbles wipe down the entire room.
Before he went back to typing.
So lets dive into this mess.
Because it really is a hot mess.
Notice to all personal, this includes Harding and Kidd: this in regard to every [PARTY/EVENT], that you cook up, so please for my sanity, please regard the following rules below.
Number One: You have to have a valid excuse to throw a party, Curt learning how to do a cartwheel doesn't count.
Number two: "The Party" stays inside the dance hall.
Additionally: I will figure out who's bright idea it was to leave the dance hall, and I'll have you clean the entire thing up.
Number three: Whoever thinks it's funny to set off flares inside, I will find you and take the cost of repairs and the flares out of your paycheck.
Additionally: If one of you knows who's doing this, tell me. I'll get you a raise.
Number four: Blakely and Douglass stop alcohol boarding people, because someone has to explain why we have no alcohol, and that someone is me!
Number five: Hamilton keep your fucking clothes on.
Additionally: Douglass don't encourage him, please.
Number six: Streaking is prohibited.
Additionally: If you decide to streak and run down the runway flapping your arms thinking you can fly, you and your gangle of idiots will be washing all the B-17s don't test me.
Number seven: Winks and Ken are prohibited from joining the party, I don't care how sad they look.
Additionally: I'm not being a qoute on qoute a-hole with this one, I'm just making sure that if a plane goes down its because of a flak or a fighter plane, not because our ground crew was hungover.
Number eight: Don't take shots off of each others bellybuttons, what the fuck is wrong with you people?
Number ten: Snyder, and Biddick stop stealing the chalk and then proceeding to draw penises kissing on every chalkboard on base.
Additionally: I have so many questions, but just know if you do. You guys are cleaning it.
Number eleven: Egan please stop bringing a rino on base, and then proceeding to charge people to see a "Unicorn" they don't exist, and never have. Just like Santa Babyface.
Additionally: You'll be calling the zoo and returning it yourself next time, and you'll be cleaning up its mess, and if it eats any mission plans. It's your ass who's explaining.
Number twelve: Stop fucking each other in places where you'll be seen or heard.
Additionally: You guys aren't allowed to be touching each other in the manner you guys are touching each other in the first place, but I'll let it slide, as long as you guys don't fuck in or around my office. Because if you do, your cleaning it up. This applies to Kidd and Harding as well, Harding you left your watch in my office by the way.
Number thirteen: You guys can't dance so stop trying, you guys all look like your having a seizure.
Number fourteen: Someone chaperone Crosby, please the last time someone didn't, he ended up in fucking France somehow.
Additionally: Don't fucking ask how he ended up in France, I don't know either.
Number fifteen: Crosbys drink limit is seven, because by seven, he thinks he's Bing Crosby. If you go past seven, you'll see how he really can't hold his liquor. Because if you think him not holding his guts together at 25,000 ft is bad, just imagine that on ground level but like a pipe bursting. Vomit everywhere, even on the ceiling.
Additionally: Anyone who lets him go past his seven drink limit because you find it funny DeMarco and Egan, will be cleaning up his vomit. I don't care that it's on the ceiling. Just climb on someones shoulders you'll be fine.
Number sixteen: Meatball is prohibited from partying.
Additionally: I'm getting tired of seeing husky hair on everyones uniform, so DeMarco if you drag him to a party so everyone can dance with him. You'll be getting all the husky hair off of everyones uniform.
Number seventeen: Smokey is prohibited from partying, because he keeps us alive. I don't care that he can perfectly salsa dance on the bartop with his pipe in his mouth. He's prohibited.
Additionally: If you guys get him drunk, it's your guys responsibility to find a new doctor.
Number eighteen: Stormy is also prohibited because we need his weather reports, I do not care that he one time publicly made out with Smokey. You guys really need a new form of entertainment.
Additionally: If you get Stormy drunk, and he says it's gonna snow in June. Well that was your own dam fault.
Number nineteen: The parties only last five hours max, because we aren't trying to beat the 303rd for rowdiest party animals in the 8th air force. It's not a competition, nobody is getting any medals or anything.
Number twenty: Hamilton stop drunkenly demanding the mess cooks to make cookies for you, it's three in the morning. They are trying to sleep.
Additionally: If you decide to drunkenly bake at three in the morning, it's your job to clean it up.
Number twenty one: Don't eat raw eggs to help with a hangover, it's just going to make you feel worse.
Number twenty two: Cleven as Egans whatever you guys are, it's your job to make sure he doesn't start singing. I'm trying to finish up my work, and I can't do that when it sounds like a whale is giving birth, on the other side of the base.
Number twenty three: Blakely stop remarrying Curt and Dickie, they have been married since the dawn of time. I'm getting tired of people screaming "You may kiss the pilot" it's gotten old after the twenty seventh time.
Number twenty four: Whoever keeps wandering around the base well saying "Bazinga" stop please just stop, I will find you. Because it stopped being funny the 169th time.
Number twenty five: No none of you are pregnant, and none of you ever can get pregnant. Your just hungover, be a man and grow a pair.
Number twenty six: Flying well drunk is prohibited.
Additionally: I will fine whoever attempts, and any damage done, the repairs will be payed by you.
Number twenty seven: Payne and Crosby, I'm ecstatic for you guys, but please please stop having sex on the table outside my office. I love how your passion burns for each other or whatever Crosby says well, I'm not going to go there. It's honestly riveting. But I'm tired of it.
Additionally: If you break it, it's coming out of your guys paychecks.
Number twenty eight: Stop calling me grandma and telling me to go play bingo. I'm not that old, I can be fun if I want to.
Number twenty nine: You guys can drop wherever you want, but don't pass out where you guys can get trampled. I really don't want to write the report on how you were wounded, and put down "Trampled by own brothers in arms."
Number thirty: Have fun don't over do it, well as much fun as you can following the manuel, which I have a copy if you wanna burrow it.
Additionally: Egan, don't draw penises in my manual or your buying me a new one whether you like it or not.