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“I am a believer of the butterfly effect. A small positive vibration can change the entire cosmos.” ― Amit Ray, Walking the Path of Compassion
Saturday, December 24th
I didn’t mean to kiss Jackie again.
But the way her big brown eyes were pleading with me for an explanation as to why we couldn’t be friends…well, that’s when I realized that I couldn’t walk away from her without giving her some kind of explanation.
But I couldn’t get the words out, their roots having long been deeply bound into the back of my throat. Telling Jackie how I felt about her…especially when she didn’t reciprocate those feelings…went against every instinct of self-preservation I’d spent years practicing.
So I kissed her. But it was more than just the explanation I felt she deserved; more than just showing her how I felt when I couldn’t summon the words.
It was also goodbye.
“That’s why.” My voice is hoarse.
Jackie’s eyes widen impossibly further. “I don’t understand,” she admits hesitantly.
Disappointment settles low in my chest and for a moment, I can’t breathe.
Short of saying the words out loud, that kiss was the best and most straightforward way I could let Jackie know how I felt about her. That she still didn’t understand is enough to tell me that this isn’t meant to be.
I tried that once with Donna, and almost lost her as a friend. I wouldn’t do that to Jackie. But it was also different with her. The way I once felt about Donna didn’t even compare to what I now felt for Jackie. This wasn’t puppy love. This was tangible and solid, and these feelings I had for Jackie were settling viscerally into my bones. So I couldn’t just be Jackie’s friend the way I was friends with Donna. These feelings weren’t just going to go away overnight, and pretending to be friends when I felt the way I did about Jackie would be torture for the both of us.
But I couldn’t exactly tell Jackie any of that. I swallow. “That’s the other reason why,” I say instead.
I turn to leave, but the small part of me that hopes for something more brings me to a stop. “Just…think about it,” I tell Jackie before I can stop myself.
Then, so I don’t say anything else I’ll regret, I quickly climb up the rest of the stairs, putting as much distance between us as I can.
I start walking, no set destination in mind. I’d make my way to The Hub, or the water tower, or the FotoHut eventually. But I needed to walk, clear my head for a while.
A gust of wind cuts through me, making my eyes water and my muscles tense. I glance down at my brown jacket. The deep cold of a Wisconsin winter was starting to set in, and these light jackets weren’t going to be enough anymore.
My fleece coat is all the way back at Bud’s. On the other hand, I had tossed my denim jacket in the back of my old bedroom in the Forman basement after Jackie had returned it to me last week. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to wear it since. But, on top of this brown jacket, it would be warm enough, and the Forman’s house was a lot closer than Bud’s apartment.
Another blast of wind makes my decision for me. I turn back towards the Forman house.
o-o-o
I round the hedges that separate the Pinciotti and Forman properties and find Jackie standing alone in the middle of the driveway. She is wringing her hands together, glancing in all directions like she is lost.
I pause, surprised to find her still here. But when she glances up to meet my gaze, I realize I had been mistaken. She hadn’t been lost. Rather, she’d lost something, and by the way she starts purposefully walking across the driveway in my direction, that something was probably me.
“Do you have feelings for me?” she asks when she reaches me. I can see the wheels turning in her mind. She figured it out.
Her dark eyes search mine as she waits for my response. Once again, I can’t find words, but this time its because her words – do you have feelings for me? – suddenly feel deceptively misleading.
It was more like I was falling for Jackie, and had been for far longer than I’d care to admit to either one of us. It was more like how I couldn’t escape the taste of her lips or the way my skin still tingles from everywhere she had touched me. It was more like how I ached for our easy back and forth banter and secretive sly smiles. It was more like how she always felt comfortable being vulnerable with me, and made me feel like I was worthy of her truth and honesty. It was more like how she made me feel seen, in a way that used to be uncomfortable but that was starting to feel like if home were a person, that was Jackie.
‘Do you have feelings for me?’ just didn’t cover all that.
I can’t exactly say all that, though, but I can’t deny the truth any longer. Jackie is patiently waiting for my response. I swallow and nod my head.
Jackie watches me, speechless for a moment. “I didn’t know that – ” she starts.
“That’s why we can’t be friends,” I explain, panic seizing me. “The truth is just going to make things messy and complicated.”
I start to turn away from her, but she grabs my elbow and forcefully tugs me back around to face her.
“I mean…” she tries again, frustration lacing her voice. “I didn’t know that’s what you were trying to tell me. I thought you were trying to tell me that you thought I still had feelings for you.”
I snort and try to keep the bitterness out of my tone. “Don’t worry – you’ve made it very clear that that isn’t true.”
“But it is true,” Jackie interjects.
I feel my eyebrows knit together in confusion. What she was saying didn’t make sense. It was that small seed of hope that I refused to give a voice trying to rear its head again. Jackie must be able to sense my skepticism because she lets go of my arm and clears her throat.
“Look, I panicked on our date,” she explains, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I said I didn’t feel anything when we kissed. But I did. I felt so much, Steven. I was just scared.”
I consider her words. “Too scared?” I ask after a moment, my voice thick and unbridled.
“Not anymore,” Jackie says, and because she knows what I’m really asking, she takes a step forward and brings her lips to mine.
I feel a lightness in my chest, and when the kiss ends, this time neither one of us pulls away. Instead, Jackie tucks herself under my arm and I weave my hand around her waist. And I do something that I hadn’t let myself do up to this point…I let the hope take shape around me.
After a moment, Jackie tilts her head up towards me. “What now?”
What now? I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. But I guess it was time to find out.
“You want to go to The Hub?” I ask eventually. “I’ll buy you some fries.”
Her smile takes my breath away. She knows that this is about more than just fries at The Hub. “Absolutely.”
Jackie hands me the keys to the Lincoln. Once in the car, she rests her hand on my shoulder. “What made you decide to come back?” she asks hesitantly.
It takes me a moment to figure out what she is talking about. “Oh, I left my denim jacket in the basement. The wind was cold.”
Jackie hums thoughtfully.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing, I just…” she grins playfully, “I’m glad we went on that date on Veteran’s Day, then.”
I don’t know where she is going with this, and I feel my muscles start to tense. “I don’t follow,” I say, doing my best to keep my voice even.
“Well, if we hadn’t gone on that date, you wouldn’t have left your jacket in my car. And then you wouldn’t’ve left it in the Forman basement after you caught me wearing it at the pep rally. Which means you wouldn’t have come back just now.” She pauses. “And if you hadn’t come back…I don’t think I would’ve had the courage to ask if you had feelings for me. Or tell you that I had feelings for you, too.”
I don’t say anything. It’s just Jackie’s twisted logic but its more than just that.
“This would’ve happened eventually,” I admit softly, a moment of vulnerability. My muscles finally relax.
Jackie turns her head towards me in surprise. “You think so?” she asks and I nod emphatically.
A butterfly flapped its wings on Veteran’s Day when we kissed. Or maybe even before that. Maybe it was when I told Jackie we were going on a date, or when I took the fall for her bag of pot, or when she turned to me after breaking up with Kelso, or when I took her to prom last year.
Either way, the prevailing wind from that tiny butterfly’s wings would have reached us eventually. Today, it was literal wind that turned me around, back on the path to find Jackie. But even if it hadn’t, the wind would’ve come inevitably. Maybe not for another few days or weeks. Maybe it would’ve taken more time alone with Jackie in the basement, our boredom and The Price is Right the backdrop for the gust of wind to come and break up an unassuming, but hot and hazy summer day. You know, hypothetically.
But if there’s one thing I know now with absolute certainty, it’s that it was never a question of if the wind would come, but when.
Turns out, the wind came today. So, I bring my hand to Jackie’s knee. I catch her smile in my periphery as she runs her fingers delicately over my knuckles before intertwining them with mine.
I take a deep breath and feel the breeze of the wind settle in.