Work Text:
1.
He doesn’t really know from where it rises, but there’s a voice at the back of his head that stays with him since morning. It’s like he woke up and realized, oh. Seungmin likes me. In his defence, he had to spend ten whole minutes in his proximity when they had their morning coffee together, and Seungmin cooked him breakfast. Even fixed his hair for him on the way out. That has to mean something, right?
Halfway through the day, he realizes nothing is going the way it was supposed to. He forgot about a project deadline and his professor called him after class to discuss it. Scratch out discuss, no one’s having a civil discussion with that guy, so he got reprimanded, essentially. He’s never missed deadlines before, he just got the dates mixed up. Surely he didn’t deserve to be threatened to be kicked off his scholarship for one human mistake?
It’s all downhill from there. He runs out of cash right before his trip to the vending machine, his favourite bakery is closed, he forgot to charge his phone. There’s sudden downpour from god fucking knows where. Jisung skips their morning class, so he’s completely alone. Granted, he’s had all of these things happen to him—but separately. Never all together, and by the end of classes, he’s exhausted. Sick. Tired. Already wants to go home and laze around like he isn’t failing two classes minimum.
But he can’t even do that. Muffling his groan into the void of his bag, he steels his resolve. It’s okay, just one shift. He’ll get this shift done, then he’ll go home and cry and make Seungmin feed him ice cream. Hopefully, there will not be too many people during his shift so he’ll get it done without having to put in too much energy.
Wow, today is really not his day, he thinks, watching the amount of customers piling in. fuck him. This must be karma for neglecting his work on the other days when he could’ve very well done better. This is getting a little ridiculous, he thinks, waiting on the nearest table. He jots down their orders on muscle memory. He desperately hopes no one is rude to him. He’ll either cry or snap. Most probably the former.
Thankfully, only two people are rude to him. He’s dealt with worse before, so it’s all under control. They didn’t even bother calling the manager. In all fairness, he did mess one order up. The other guy just wanted to be rude, so he had no choice but to accept it. What’s he gonna do, argue and get fired? No thank you.
There’s a lull in the influx of orders. He tears his server stuff off him and heads to the back to collapse into a chair and possibly get his hands on a coffee. He doesn’t get the coffee, but he gets a pat on the back from Lia, who smiles sympathetically and hands him her stanley. Her shift ends with him, and they both get the most stressful hours of the day, so they’ve bonded over the shared trauma.
An hour more to go. He unlocks his phone to check texts, opens up his chat with Seungmin. He begged him to come pick him up hours ago, but the message hasn’t even been read. To his credit, he didn’t even mention how bad of a day he’s having. Maybe he should’ve so that he’d feel guilty about leaving poor him ignored. He shoots him another :(( and so this is what heartbreak feels like </3. Dramatic? That’s what he was aiming for, yes.
The rest of his shift is uneventful. He goes through his usual motions of taking orders one after the other, manoeuvring around the tables without dropping anything and babysitting grown adults. It’s much easier when he doesn’t think about how frustrating it is to deal with these people; he can easily do his job and not take anything personally. At some point, a table asks for the manager and he just goes to the back, gets his wanted coffee and tells them she’ll be along later. They won’t be bothered staying extra just to place a complaint.
The main door opens; he wipes his hands on his shirt, prepared to go through the usual motions of politely greeting a customer—then falls short. Seungmin grins at him, handsome as always, and strides up to him like he owns the place. “What the hell are you doing here? I thought you didn’t read my texts!”
“Just passing by,” Seungmin says, a twinkle in his eyes that tells him that is not in fact just passing by. He rummages through the bag in his hand and shoves a cup into his hands. “Go work, shoo. I’ll be waiting for you at my table.” Hyunjin looks down at the cup—boba, pearls and all. He could cry.
He sniffles. “Thanks. Needed this.”
Seungmin looks a little taken aback, almost like he didn’t expect him to be so grateful over something so small. It might have been small to him if he was actually on the way back and passed over his job and decided to get it for him. The boba shop isn’t too far away. But Hyunjin hadn’t even considered that Seungmin would think of showing up unannounced and get him his favourite drink.
“It’s not a big deal,” Seungmin says. His cheeks are tinged pink, he notices. Ah. The thought he woke up with in the morning scratches at his brain again. Seungmin pats his arm. “Your shift gets over at seven, right? I’ll be here. I read your texts from notifications.”
“You didn’t actually have to,” Hyunjin laughs sheepishly. Now he’s the one who’s flustered. Seungmin is such a good friend. He doesn’t deserve him. Seungmin shrugs, rounds him and takes the seat near the door. Hyunjin stands there for a moment, watching him nod along to the music and scroll through his phone. Snapping out of it, he goes back to the order he’d been carrying out. His face is a little warm, he finds.
Later, he realizes that the route to their house from uni doesn’t even go over his job, and the nearest boba tea shop was closed.
2.
Seungmin’s eyes do a great job of making him feel like he’s the most precious thing in the entire world. He doesn’t know if it’s done intentionally. He doesn’t get how someone can just look at him like that—so easily, so naturally. He wonders if Seungmin realizes how he looks at him.
There might be a reason why all his past partners have asked about his relationship with Seungmin more than once. This reason might also overlap with the fact that Seungmin doesn’t appreciate him telling him about his crushes and hookups and partners. He just thought that it was aversion to talking about sex and romance—which he gets, but sometimes Seungmin will get that look in his eyes as he tells him to shut up which makes him wonder if he’s being completely serious with his repulsion.
Thoughts echo around his brain like marbles, too many of them and too vague to pick apart. He needs to confirm a few things first. So that’s how he sets his plan into motion: he sneaks into Seungmin’s room, slides into his bed, head in his lap. Seungmin doesn’t even question it, just lets his hand rest lightly on his shoulder as he jots down his notes of whatever lecture he’s watching.
Hyunjin pulls out his phone and scrolls in the silence, occasionally interrupted by clicking of his keyboard and the sound of pen scratching paper. Seungmin’s breathing is steady, his hand warm on his back. “Seungminnie.” He hears him hum in question. “Want to go on a date?”
His typing stops. Hyunjin is holding his phone up to scroll, but he moves it to the side to catch the expression on Seungmin’s face. He once told him he doesn’t let himself hope for too much. He’s a pessimist, expectations bring nothing but heartbreak, it’s better to be mildly surprised when right than be crushed when wrong. So it makes logical sense that there’s no hope lighting up in his eyes, only apprehension. It breaks his heart. “With who?”
Hyunjin breathes out through his mouth. It doesn’t matter that his plan half worked. It doesn’t matter he knows plenty of people who’d be head over heels for someone like Seungmin—what crushes him is that Seungmin didn’t even consider that he might be an option. He grits his teeth through the lie. “I know someone.”
“I’m good.” Seungmin smiles down at him, no change in his eyes. Lips only half quirked. It looks more like a grimace. Hyunjin suddenly hates himself for doing this. He didn’t think Seungmin would be serious about it, thought he’d joke and say with you? and laugh and he’d flirt with him and catch the blush on his cheeks for his confirmation. Karma is going to catch up to him again.
Hyunjin found out years ago that he’s worryingly talented at digging himself a deeper grave every time a situation goes wrong. He’ll end up as a cemetery caretaker like this. Random profile of a friend of a friend; he turns his phone around to show him the best photo of him he can find. “He’s cute.”
“Not my type.” Seungmin doesn’t even look at the photo. “Besides, I don't go on dates. Too much hassle, and people are exhausting. But you know this. Why this suddenly?”
“You should get out more,” Hyunjin mumbles, half assed excuse. Being housemates with Seungmin is the best thing that’s ever happened precisely because Seungmin is a homebody who studies and plays games all day, does his (and sometimes their) laundry on time, knows how to cook up a decent meal and doesn’t give a fuck about what Hyunjin does as long as he’s safe. “Come with me when me and the boys hang out sometime. I’m pretty sure Felix plays whatever game you’ve been on. You can catch up.”
“We talk on discord,” Seungmin tells him. That’s news to him. “We’re caught up. I beat his ass in league everyday.”
“Oh.” He buries his face into Seungmin’s thigh. The guilt of lying to him over something so trivial is heavy in his chest. Even though Seungmin doesn’t even seem angry. He doesn’t think he’s ever been upset at him. Thank god; Hyunjin knows he wouldn’t be able to handle a disappointed Seungmin. “Sorry,” he mumbles. It’s selfish; he’s apologizing for his own conscience. “I know you don’t like hanging out with new people. Didn’t mean to—” didn’t mean to what? He doesn’t know how to finish that.
“Tell me when you’re going over to their house next time.” The typing resumes. “I’ll see if I can make time.” He looks down at him. “If you want me there, I mean.”
Hyunjin can’t help the smile that takes over his entire face. “Really?” He beams. “Of course I want you there! I want you everywhere with me. We’ll have so much fun. I’ll tell them to get those cheetos you’re obsessed with.” he squeezes his hand. “You don’t have to stay the whole time either.”
“Seems like a waste of gas.” Seungmin laughs. “I’ll have to be with you. I have no choice.”
3.
It was fate, really. Kim Seungmin, top of the class, lovably awkward but confident, sitting beside him, who was failing this exact class. He’d see him look over at the doodles and sketches sometimes. That went on for a week. The second week, he told him they looked amazing, and Hyunjin had nearly cried at how soft his voice was. Is. The third week, Seungmin would get him coffee everyday after he forgot that one time.
The fourth week Seungmin lent him his notes. Fifth week was around when he actually started acknowledging being friends, even though Hyunjin had kind of speedran the whole getting to know each other thing and thought of him as his friend immediately. After all, the guy got him coffee everyday.
He doesn’t even know what they were talking about but there were terms like rent and lease and housing conditions and laundry involved, and somehow he found himself asking him if he wants to move in, because his Felix has moved away and into his boyfriend’s house, and even though he’s paying his share of rent till Hyunjin finds a housemate, he’s also getting lonely. He didn’t think Seungmin would say yes. He didn’t think he’d move in the next month. He doesn’t know how it happened so quick, but he’s glad it did.
Better now than never, he’d thought to himself. Seungmin looks cute figuring out how the coffee machine works. He wanted to delude himself and tell himself that that’s a thought for another time, but it stays firmly lodged into the ridges of his cerebrum. After all, Seungmin is objectively handsome. He’s not blind.
And Seungmin was a great housemate. He couldn’t have asked for anything more. The only problem was—and this became glaringly obvious after they spent the entire first week of living together ordering takeout—that neither of them can cook for their lives. They can’t even cook by themselves. God forbid they’re put in a kitchen together; he doesn’t need to call the fire department again. At least Felix could make a decent meal.
It’s funny until it’s not. Then they have to sit down and decide, okay, someone needs to learn how to cook if they want to learn how to make this work. Hyunjin is as hopeless in the kitchen as he is in the classes that involve anything remotely resembling mathematics. Seungmin is… smart. He can do it if he puts effort into it.
To be fair, Hyunjin tries. But the other problem: Hyunjin works a part time server job. He never gets back home before eight. And after that, he’s so spent from the day that he can’t even move from his bed. He tried for a few days; cooking and doing the dishes after getting back home, but he was so, so exhausted after that he fell straight asleep. A schedule like that, and he won’t get any time to study. He’ll probably fail all his classes and get kicked off his art scholarship. His parents will disown him and he’ll have to take furry art commissions if he wants to stay off the street.
Seungmin’s job is at home. He doesn’t even know what the fuck he does; something something programming and something something web development. Hyunjin had tried to tell him he’ll get used to cooking on alternate days, and that he doesn’t have to learn from scratch, but he—you guessed it—refused and said he’ll do it.
That’s how he finds himself in the kitchen, watching Seungmin poking out his tongue in concentration as he chops the shit out of an onion. He leans against the counter, palm on his mouth as he watches, something like fondness and gratitude welling up in him. He doesn’t get to dwell on it for long, because a moment later, Seungmin’s eyes start watering. “Oh no.”
“I hate these things.” Seungmin moves over to the sink to wash his hands and then his face, patting at his eyes with a towel. He sniffles. “I’m just trying to cook. Why does it attack me?” Hyunjin stifles a laugh, moving forward. He takes the towel from him and wipes his face dry. “Go shower. I don’t know when I'll be done. Before I die, probably. Either I go, or these onions do.”
“Don’t stress yourself,” Hyunjin says. He sighs. He hates seeing Seungmin work himself up over simple things he has no control over. He rubs his hands. “I’m sorry I couldn't come back earlier. Shift was over, but me and Lia had to stay back and clean up because they were closing early. I’d have helped.”
Seungmin scoffs lightly. “What, you think I'd make you cook after you’ve returned home after fifteen hours? I’m not insane. Are you stupid?” Hyunjin giggles. He pushes him gently. “Go. It's no trouble. What beef me and these onions have is between us.”
“Thank you,” Hyunjin says, genuinely grateful. He’s never going to be able to do enough to repay Seungmin for everything he does for him. Sometimes though, it makes him feel guilty. How long till Seungmin realizes Hyunjin doesn’t deserve his kindness? How long till he decides that he does way more for him than he does?
4.
It surprises him. Seungmin gets along easy enough with his other friends, or people he hasn’t met before. With Jisung. With Minho. Felix he already knows. But that’s not the thing that’s new, it's the fact that he refuses to sit too close to anyone, or puts his arms around anyone when they hug him. He does laugh about it, and pretends to be annoyed about the lack of personal space, but he doesn’t really… reciprocate.
As Seungmin goes along with him when they hang out more and more, they become more comfortable with him. Jisung especially. But the thing is: jisung is very affectionate. Felix even more so. Seungmin at first, never outright refuses them. But as he grows more comfortable with them too, he starts telling them no when they try to plop themselves into his lap like jisung does with Hyunjin.
And sure, Hyunjin doesn’t appreciate physical affection all the time. He prefers to be on the giving end of it—particularly to people he finds cute. Like Seungmin. So it surprises him that Seungmin is so averse to touch. He doesn’t give it easily, doesn’t receive it easily.
Then he starts noticing the little things. Seungmin might not like open, big affection, but his side of it comes in the form of small touches and pats. Squeezing his hand when he’s assuring him, tapping his shoulder when he’s zoning out, patting his head when he’s being cute to him. Knees touching in bed, ankles hooking together under the table, head to thigh, back to chest. Always a point of contact somewhere. It's done so casually, so fleetingly that Hyunjin wonders if he even realizes that he’s doing all of it.
He tests it out a little. Increases their points of contact. Hugs him. Pulls him between his legs when they’re watching a drama together. Plops himself into his lap like there’s not a hundred other places he could possibly sit. Keeps himself close—and Seungmin backs away. At least that aversion is constant.
But there’s a difference, and he doesn’t feel it until the third day of his testing. Seungmin is playing something on the tv, controller in his hands and leaning back against the sofa. Hyunjin peeks out of his room between painting breaks and sees him like that. What’s he gonna do, not abandon his work for good to annoy him? Preposterous.
“Hyunjin!” he groans, as he plants himself in his lap, effectively blocking the screen. Seungmin tries to look around him, and he giggles into his neck, arms caging him to the sofa. “It’s so late. Don’t you have better work to do than interrupt my session? Get off me, dude.”
“You can see fine like this.” Hyunjin leans forward, kindly letting him see. He tucks his head under his chin, cheek to his chest. Huh. He snuggles into him. “You’re so warm. it’s too cold to sleep in my bed, sad and alone.” He pretends to tear up. “It’s been long since I got to hug you.”
Seungmin doesn’t reply, but he can hear the dull clicking of controller buttons. After a long, long moment, “are you really falling asleep like this?” Hyunjin unlatches himself from him, pulling back to look at him. Seungmin immediately averts his eyes, looking past him at the tv screen. Like this, he can look at his face all he wants and not worry about eye contact and proper blinking intervals.
The pink stays, he notes, pleased. The thing with Seungmin is that he’s usually so stoic that it’s easily noticeable when there’s any kind of emotion on his face. There’s his difference. With the others, it’s more of an annoyed kind of aversion—done playfully or not. With him though…
“I’ll stop bothering you if you sleep with me,” Hyunjin says. Watches his eyes snap to his face. Behind him, he hears a voice announcing defeat! Cute. Maybe he didn’t mean to have that reaction, but he’s frozen under him. Slowly, he relaxes. He’s scanning his face. That same fucking apprehension. This time though, he’s right. Hyunjin is being cruel, leading him on like this.
“I’ll stay up another hour,” Seungmin says slowly, as if doubting the words coming out of his mouth. “Were you painting? You should sleep soon.” Hyunjin hums in agreement. Seungmin had been holding his controller with both hands around his frame. He brings his left hand up and pats his cheek. That’s new. That one feels like being kissed. Huh.
“Tell me after you wrap up and go to bed. I’ll try to be there soon.” He pauses, as if realizing what he said. He blinks. “But I have my own bed. Why am I going to your room?”
“My bed is way too big for one person,” Hyunjin tells him. Wishes he could punctuate it with a kiss. He stays admiring the flush on Seungmin’s cheeks. Real smooth, Hwang.
5.
It’s inevitable that it comes to this point, and a little surprising that it takes this long. Hyunjin believes in care being shown through actions and not words, acts of service will always beat materialistic gift giving in the long run, both their love languages are different. All that jazz. But the guilt. God, the guilt.
Seungmin doesn’t act on it. He knows. He knows that Seungmin knows that he knows. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he thinks so little of himself that he doesn’t even consider the fact that their friendship could become more and not less if he acted on his feelings. And here’s the thing, he’s been trying to figure out Seungmin’s feelings for so long that he completely overlooked a small, very crucial fact.
What about his own feelings?
God, who is he even kidding. He didn’t even bother thinking about it because it’s just so, so obvious to him. If Seungmin keeps being the way he is, someday he’ll really give in and ask him to marry him. It's a love accepted so easy that it’s anticlimactic. He’s in love with him. Has been ever since he smiled at him when he said his sketches were insanely good.
(They weren’t, but Seungmin wouldn’t have an eye for art even if he wore his glasses and had the blood of Da Vinci himself. The stupidly cute smile was enough. The sudden butterflies in his stomach was enough.)
His own guilt stems from the fact that he knows that Seungmin has a crush on him, and he chooses not to tell him that he knows—but keeps taking advantage of his affection. Why else would Seungmin cook everyday for him? Why else would he do the dishes when he’s being a little bitch and complaining about them? Why the fuck else would he vacuum the house when he’s at the restaurant and store hot water for him and not complain when Hyunjin tries to cuddle him to sleep?
It’s probably stupid, but he’s stressed about his assigned portfolio and he’s exhausted of smelling paint and charcoal and oil and acrylic. He had to take a day off yesterday because he has a huge assignment and a very small deadline to get it done. And, he procrastinated. So now he has 20 hours max to do five fucking portraits. All in different mediums. Yeah, fuck him.
He’s stayed locked up in his room for what, almost ten hours now. He hoarded all the snacks he could find and texted Seungmin that he’s going to buy them all back after he’s done and could he please make use of the three whole packets of fries that he left for him. And well, Seungmin gets worried. Tells him it’s not healthy to pull two all-nighters in a row and then work the whole day.
But yeah, it's karma. He lazed around on the other days, so he works now. And to be honest, he doesn’t really mind it. Having such a stressful deadline plunges him straight into the flow. It’s addicting, actually.
He submits all of them the next day, so tired and exhausted out of his fucking mind. Not even a wink of sleep in, he went to his classes. Ignored all of Seungmin’s texts and calls, because he can’t even pretend that he’s taking care of himself before he gets a minimum of five hours of sleep. And the worst part is, he can’t even take the day off of work. He took one yesterday, and he’s going to get fired if he doesn’t show up again.
So he steamrolls through it. It’s fine, he tells himself. Just get this done and go back home and you’ll be in the arms of the love of your life: the bed. Maybe Seungmin too, if he allows him to. He zones everything else, just focuses on getting his part of the job done. And he doesn’t even slack off, because if he does he’ll just think of how fucking tired he is.
Thank god he gets to clock off on time. He all but rushes out after packing up. Stops short. That looks like Seungmin’s car. Is that Seungmin’s car? He checks the plate. As if on cue, his phone screen lights up, on silent. He was under the impression that he’d get to talk to him once he’s at home and slept. Not like… this. He’s been ignoring all his texts for the past two days, quietly slipping off to class when he was asleep the day he didn’t have morning classes.
He declines the call and rounds his car, finds him sitting in the driver seat, tapping on the steering wheel. He swallows, approaching. “Hey.”
Seungmin’s expression goes from worried to surprised to relief. “Oh, I thought you left. Thank god. Come on, hop in.” Hyunjin goes around, watching him unlock the door for him. He slips inside, slumping against the seat. “You didn’t have to. It’s not that late.” Seungmin glances back at him, frowning. He steers into the road, but doesn’t say anything.
The silence in the car was one of the most awkward things he’s ever experienced. Great, at least now he knows what Seungmin thinks will happen if he tells him he likes him. The moment he’s home, he kicks off his shoes and makes to sprint in. Pauses and moves over to place them neatly. From the corner of his eye, he sees Seungmin bend down to do the same. Hyunjin looks up at him. Another awkward silence follows.
Hyunjin clears his throat. “You don’t have to—”
“Go shower.” Seungmin interrupts. The usual warmth in his voice is there, but it’s so heavy that it weighs down into nothingness. There’s a certain kind of tension in his voice. Seungmin is upset. At him? Yeah, at him. It’s weird, he’s never seen it like this. “I’ll take care of the rest.” he takes his bag from him. Hyunjin’s everything feels limp, helpless. “Clothes are on the bed.”
“Seungmin—” he begins, gets interrupted again. He looks at him, lips pressed into a thin line. He wants to cry. Seungmin sighs. “Later. After you’ve eaten. What did you eat the whole day? You didn’t even have breakfast.” Oh, he shouldn’t have prompted him to speak. He’s really going to cry. Seungmin looks at him again, and he must see it. “Sorry. Just go, okay? I’ll be in the kitchen.”
He does in fact cry in the shower. It’s easier to pretend like he isn’t, but the burning in his eyes snaps him out of his delusion anyway. He goes through the motions of body wash on loofah, loofah on body, washing his hair, stepping out, wrapping the ready towel around him and going to his room with the clothes Seungmin left out.
He gets dressed quickly, realizing just how empty his stomach is when the whole floor starts moving around. He supports himself on the bed, noticing how light headed he is. Seungmin’s right, he knows. It’s just… circumstances. Those did not entail him to ignore his concern, but oh well. He just didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with care so sincerely given.
The japchae looks amazing, but Hyunjin fears he can’t really appreciate it the way it deserves to be. Seungmin’s cooking has improved so much in so little time it’s actually mental. He leans back on the sofa and devours the food, careful to not drop anything because there’s nothing Seungmin hates more than stains on the sofa or bed. Seungmin sits beside him, body turned to him and back against the armrest. His knees are tucked in, chin propped on them.
He doesn’t know how long it takes for him to finish eating, but it feels like only minutes. He really underestimated just how hungry he was. At some point, Seungmin gets up in the middle to get him more. Then gets him water. It feels like he’s not even in his own body anymore, because he doesn’t even have the capacity to thank him anymore. Just fucking plows through the japchae like his life depends on it. And at this point, it probably does.
And then, the regret starts to set in. He looks up at Seungmin, who’s zoned out staring at the floor. He glances back, catches him looking, and holds it. When Hyunjin doesn’t do anything except stare, he raises his eyebrows in question. It really, really hits him then—just how selfish he has been ever since the day Seungmin started living with him.
Seungmin opens his mouth, closes, and something like panic sets on his face. He doesn’t get to see the rest of it, because his vision blurs with unshed tears. When he tries to blink them away, he sees Seungmin inch forward and another fresh wave of tears washes him away.
“Hyunjin, hey,” Seungmin calls, hands rubbing his palms in an attempt to soothe. “Are you—why are you—” he can hear his voice break. Whenever he’s cried in front of him before, Seungmin just gets it and lets him cry it out. It’s a testament to how confused he is that he starts questioning it. Seungmin takes a deep breath. “Okay, okay. I got you, okay?” his arms wrap around him. He wants to leave to his bed and sleep. He wants to be alone. He wants Seungmin.
“I’m tired,” Hyunjin hiccoughs into his shoulder, little trembles raking his body into pieces. He can’t feel his body anymore. Everything keeps spinning. “I’m so tired, I'm sorry you had to do so much because of—because of me—but I'm so tired and didn’t even thank you, and, and you do so much for me. It’d have been so much easier if you didn’t but now all I can think about is how I’ll never be able to repay you—even though, even though you—”
Seungmin squeezes his arms around him, tightening the hug. He’s so, so warm. He doesn’t say anything, just keeps them like that till Hyunjin stops rambling and calms down, his little sobs smoothing out into sniffles into his shirt. Once he’s got his breathing under hold, Seungmin gently pulls away.
“Go sleep,” he says, voice soft. There’s tear tracks on his cheeks. “You don’t have to tell me anything now. Just sleep. I’m not—I'm not upset, if that’s something you’re worried about. You don’t have to repay anything. Just take care of yourself, and sleep it off. As long as you want. Okay?”
Hyunjin nods shakily, not trusting his voice to speak. He can’t meet his eyes. “Saturday tomorrow. That’s nice, right? Catch up on the sleep you need.” he reaches up. Brushes the hair out of his face, neatly parting the hair sticking to his forehead. “Sleep peacefully. Do you want me in your room at night?”
“Yeah.” Hyunjin clears his throat. Nods. “Yes. Please. Sorry.”
“No sorry,” Seungmin tells him. “Don’t have to be sorry. Whatever for? Your room’s nice. I get a good night of sleep whenever I'm there. Okay?” he pats his cheek. “Good night.”
Hyunjin sleeps a record shattering eighteen straight hours. He wakes up once or twice in the middle; the first time he found Seungmin sleeping beside him, room dark. The clock read two. The second time he finds Seungmin sitting beside him, back to pillow to headrest. Hyunjin had rolled over and buried his face into his side, and through his dream he felt his hands running through his hair. He fell asleep again quickly.
The third time his sleep breaks, he feels more refreshed than he’s been in a long time. Seungmin’s right, maybe he should stop pulling all nighters. He mumbles out his complaint at not being able to fall asleep again, his eyes glued shut so tightly he could probably sleep another year. With considerable effort, he opens them.
Seungmin isn’t sleeping or sitting beside him anymore, but he can hear shuffling around the house. It closes in, he can hear his footsteps all around. He lies in bed, staring at the side of the room, waiting for him to come in. He stays, listening to his own breathing and his heartbeat. He feels a strange kind of calm. Maybe that’s just because he’s too sleepy to let his thoughts race.
The door opens. Seungmin steps in, humming to himself. He glances at him, overlooking him being awake the first time. “Oh, you’re up. Morning.” He changes directions and comes closer to the bed, taking a seat at the edge. He leans over, back of his hand to his forehead.
Hyunjin frowns; he’s not running a fever, is he? “No, you’re good, I was just checking. You were running really hot the entire night, but you still needed the blanket, so I got worried. I got some tylenol just in case.”
Hyunjin opens his mouth. Closes it. He’s too disoriented to even start making sense of everything he just said, but Seungmin’s hand is grounding. He closes his eyes under his touch. Opens them when Seungmin moves his hand away. He doesn’t say anything, just keeps looking at him. Hyunjin knows he should be the one to break the continued tension, but it just feels too dramatic to bring up things like friendships and feelings right now. They need to get normal first.
How long? is a question he’s often asked himself. For how long? Seungmin sighs and breaks eye contact, pulling away. He gets up. Gives up. Somehow, he knows that he needs to make him sit with him or it’s as good as over. What is? He doesn’t know, he can’t explain the sudden urgency he feels at seeing Seungmin pull away from him. Maybe because he never has. Even if he’s annoyed at his physical affection or his teasing or his antics, he always stays in place.
“Seungmin,” he says. Reaches out to grab his wrist. Seungmin stops in place, and turns around. Waits again. What is he even supposed to say? Sorry it seems like I don’t give a fuck about your concern for me and I do all the wrong things and leave you to clean up the mess? Yeah. So much for communication. “I don’t know what to say. Please.”
Seungmin doesn’t shake his hand off, so that’s good. He slowly moves forward and sits on his bed again. “I don’t like what you said.” Seungmin’s gaze is resolutely fixed to their hands. “You don’t have to repay me for anything. Why would you want to? I don’t care about you and expect anything in return. That’s not how I am. I would never ask for anything in return.”
He didn’t even consider how it might have made him feel. God, he’s so selfish. “And I don't like that you don’t want to let me take care of you. It’s been two days. Have you checked your phone? Do you know how worried I was? You hadn’t slept in two whole days. You weren’t eating anything. I left you food in the fridge. I texted you about it. I left a note. Did you see?” Hyunjin hangs his head and shakes it no. “I know you were stressed, and I didn't want to disturb you either. But this is just…”
“I’m sorry.” He’s grateful for the fact that Seungmin isn’t looking at him. “I really am. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
“I shouldn’t even be telling you off for this.” It's the first bit of anything other than calmness he hears in his voice. He sounds frustrated. “You just had a hell of a week, and I should be supporting you through it—but I'm here making you feel bad for it. I just don’t know how else to tell you that I was really worried. We live together. I’d prefer it if you didn’t actively try to ruin your health.”
Hyunjin tries to laugh, but instead a choke slips out. Seungmin’s gaze snaps up to him. “ Should be supporting me ? What more do you want to do? I’m a grown man. I should be ashamed of myself. I’ve been—” his throat starts closing up. “Have you really not realized that you’re doing everything? I have a server job, sure, but isn’t it pathetic that you’re basically taking care of me everyday? I don’t even do the dishes half the time.”
Seungmin looks surprised. He frowns. “I stay at home more. You get home at nine half the time. Why would I let you do anything? I don’t mind doing it.”
“No, I'll work on it,” Hyunjin insists, a little more force behind his voice now. “I’ll do it, I promise. I just need to move my schedule around a bit.” Seungmin just looks at him, expression incredulous. How does he not get it? If Seungmin forced him to do a bit more work around the house, he wouldn’t be like this. No matter, he’ll fix it. “You can’t keep doing everything! You’ll get tired too. I should be taking responsibility too.”
Seungmin stays silent a beat or two. He looks up. “Is that what it is?” he asks quietly. “You’re scared I'll get tired of doing everything and leave you. Right?” Ouch. The thought had been marinating in his brain for some time, but for Seungmin to just put his heart out in the open like that—yeah. That was humbling. He opens his mouth to speak, but his throat has closed up. So he just nods, knowing Seungmin is going to hate him for that one.
He doesn’t say anything for a long, long time. Hyunjin sniffles and glances up. He’s a little shocked to see Seungmin’s eyes glassed over, gaze fixed to him. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Seungmin. Please don’t—” he won’t be able to handle it. This is his worst nightmare, no exaggeration. “Please don’t cry, I'm really sorry.”
“No, I just—” Seungmin wipes his face with his hands and sighs heavily. “I wouldn’t do that,” he whispers. “I know—I know that’s something you’re struggling with but it’s just—is that what you think of me? That I would just get tired of it and leave? That I'd get tired of you?”
Hyunjin can’t even find a reply to that. Is that what he thinks of him? Well, no. Yes. In his mind, it’s not a reflection of Seungmin's character; it's one of his own insecurities. But once he’s said it out loud, there’s no way to distinguish the two. There’s also… the guilt.
He can’t even keep his love. He knows Seungmin loves him, and he can’t even accept and keep it. What can he do?
“Don’t worry about that.” Seungmin finally says. He seems calmer now. Maybe he can see everything for what it actually is. Love he can give openly. Care he can give Seungmin, concern and worry and the better part of his thoughts—he can give all of it to him. But he can’t receive it in a way that’s unconditional in his mind. In his mind, he has to give something to be allowed to receive it. The problem here is, Seungmin won’t let him go about this in transactions.
“You trust me, right?” Hyunjin nods, a little fervently. Of course he does. Of course he does. How could he not? “Then trust me on this. I care for you because that's how I show how much you mean to me. I’ve never had a friend like you. And I want to keep being friends as long as you want to. I don’t know how else to keep a friendship other than to care about you the only way I know how to.”
Hyunjin is crying again. It’s overwhelmed tears, but crying nonetheless. Seungmin moves forward and takes him in his arms. The room is warm and he can hear a tap running in the kitchen, but Seungmin stays like that anyway.
+1
They’re back to normal. Hyunjin gets over himself in a day or two. He feels a little better about their whole arrangement ever since Seungmin assured him outright, saying all that unusual sweet stuff that’s burnt its record out with how much he’s been replaying those words. If that’s not confirmation, he doesn’t know what is. Of course, it might as well be genuinely purely platonic feelings.
But he doesn’t think so, looking at the pink on his cheeks and the way he looks away when their eyes meet, and the way he tries so hard not to let his gaze drop. He thinks Hyunjin doesn’t notice it. Well. He pretends not to, is all.
“They’re cute,” Seungmin comments. They’re side by side at the dining table, sunlight streaming in through the window behind Seungmin, giving him this golden kind of ethereal glow. Hyunjin stares between his bites of the sandwich. Seungmin turns his phone around to show a photo Jisung posted, of him and Minho making a heart together. Their hands are in completely opposite directions. Hyunjin stifles a laugh. “Glad they’re dating now. It’s been a long year for Jisung and his pining.”
“True.” Hyunjin takes another bite. “When are you going to make a move?”
Seungmin doesn’t even hear him, he just hums. It wasn’t even a yes or no question. He’s so engrossed in Minho and Jisung’s love life that he doesn’t even hear him. Wow. Whatever, he’s a patient man. He waits for him to get it, knowing his reaction will be priceless when he does.
The foot that had been tapping onto his ankle stops. He sees Seungmin freeze, hand go a little slack. The phone slides down and lands on the table with a painful thump. Hyunjin props his chin on his palm and keeps looking at him. Seungmin meets his eyes. “What?”
“You heard me.” Hyunjin smiles. Maybe he’s having a little too much fun. Seungmin looks so beautiful. It’s a good time to get it out in the open, as is any. He’s happy with whatever if Seungmin’s just with him. He’s like his personalised ball of happiness, eliciting warmth in him whenever he’s around. “Are you ever planning to make a move, or should I keep pretending?”
Seungmin breathes out through his mouth. He’s never seen him so thoroughly taken aback. Parted lips, wide eyes. It’s a cute look on him, sure, but Hyunjin wants to go through the confessing stuff and jump straight to kissing that mouth. He’s been dreaming about it for only a month now. “You’ve… known?” he asks, breathless. “How long?”
“Not very long.” Maybe a month and half. Time always flows weird to him. “In my defense, I wasn't sure. I had to be sure before asking. And when I confirmed it, I just felt a little—guilty, I suppose. That you didn’t know that I knew. That’s one of the reasons I felt bad that you were doing things I was supposed to be doing.”
“No, no.” Seungmin schools his expression back to normal, layers and layers of surprise slowly being washed over with hope. Fuck, that’s all he wanted. For him to realize that things will completely work out, and he has nothing to be hesitant about. “Let’s get this clear: I'd have done everything I do even if I didn't like you like that. You’re still my best friend. Me liking you has nothing to do with it.”
“Mhm,” Hyunjin agrees. He’s the type, for sure. “And what about now?” He leans forward. Seungmin’s gaze falls. Snaps up. Hyunjin smiles. “Now’s a good time to ask me out.”
“Fuck,” Seungmin breathes out. He looks like he really wasn’t prepared for any of this. He’s never seen him so panicked. “Hyunjin, I—I'm sorry it was taking me so long. I just—I really wasn’t sure. About any reciprocation. I didn’t think you’d notice, let alone confront me.” His voice turns quiet. “I would’ve done it eventually, but I'm sorry if this isn’t how you wanted it to be.”
Hyunjin shrugs. How long till he realizes that he doesn’t give a fuck about any of that as long as it’s him? “I couldn’t have asked for anything more. This sandwich is amazing, and you look lovely. It’s a nice morning and you’re here. The coffee machine is working perfectly. What more would I want?”
“Hwang Hyunjin,” Seungmin murmurs, their proximity dropped so low it surprises him a little. His hand caresses his cheek, holds and brings him close. Hyunjin stays waiting for him to kiss him, eyes fixed to lips and lips only. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’m sorry that I’m a coward who’s scared of fucking things up so he’d rather pine in silence than act on his feelings. Even though you wanted me to.” he sucks in a sharp breath. “Please let me take you out on a date to make up for it because I really, really like you.”
“You drive a convincing bargain, Kim Seungmin,” Hyunjin laughs. “Can I call you my boyfriend before the date? I think it has a nice ring to it if I refer to you as my boyfriend in my head.”
He’s never seen his pink this strong on his cheeks. His flush goes all the way down to his neck. “Of course,” he says, voice barely there. His eyes keep flitting all over his face, scanning his eyes. Hyunjin is patient when it comes to things concerning others, but not with himself. Especially if he’s sure that what he’ll do on impulse is something the other person will like too.
He leans up and captures his lips in a kiss, which follows to be the sweetest one he’s ever had. Seungmin freezes at the sudden contact, then melts melts melts completely, like he’s so gone for him that he’s lost all strength. The hand on his jaw tilts his face just so, locking their lips together. Seungmin tastes like strawberry lipgloss and bread and mayo. An odd mixture, but he’ll take anything if it’s on his lips.
Hyunjin places a kiss to the corner of his mouth as he pulls away. “Sweet,” he comments. “One more?” Seungmin cups his face and kisses him again, like he’s going to die. It’s heady. Thank god he’s sitting. Feels a lot like coming home—as cheesy as that metaphor is—even though he’s already been right where he calls home since a long time ago.
“For the record,” Hyunjin says, between soft sighs as Seungmin loses sight of the plot and moves to the side to kiss along his jaw. Holding him so gently. “I’m like, in love with you. I think about you all the time. I’m thinking about you right now too.”
“Well, I'd hope you were,” Seungmin giggles. What the fuck. “I’ve liked you for so long. Think I’m in love with you too. I wasn’t going to say that before the date, but well…” he gestures between them. “Now you know.”
“You know what the only negative thing about this arrangement is?” Hyunjin asks. He cutely tilts his head at him. He mentally screams, before collecting himself. “I can’t ask you to move in with me and see you cry. Y’know, like moving in together as a couple.”
Seungmin scoffs lightly. “I wouldn’t cry over something so silly,” he says slowly, like he isn’t sure of his answer. Hyunjin thinks he’s right. “I’d cry if you asked me, definitely,” Hyunjin tells him. “But I’ll cry if you look at me the right—or wrong—way, so that’s not saying much.”
“Oh, trust me, I know.” Seungmin’s thumb brushes the high point of his cheek. He’d have cried from that alone if had been in the right headspace, but he’s too happy to give thought to it anymore. He feels like he’s floating high. He’s getting a little dizzy from the adrenaline rush. Thank god he’s sitting.
He sees him glance at the clock. Thank fuck their classes for the day are together and at the same time. He doesn’t think he could stand to be apart from him for even a moment. It’s his first day as Seungmin’s boyfriend, give him a break. “Oh shit, how long were we talking for? We’re fucked if we miss the first class.”
“Relax,” Hyunjin tells him. “At least we get to be together.” Seungmin shoots him a look that says if you don’t get your ass up right now, I'll leave you here. Hyunjin hurriedly scrambles to his feet, inhaling the rest of the sandwich. He doesn’t want his boyfriend to be stressed because of him on their first day together.
“Please tell me you charged your phone,” Seungmin says as he’s looking around for it. He goes to the designated charging spot. His phone is plugged into the charger, but the switch isn’t on. Fuck him. “Fuck me.”
“Just take it, I have my portable charger with me.” Seungmin is standing at the doorway, both of their bags in his hand. Hyunjin’s bag is considerably heavier because he’s emotionally attached to his hundred different sketchbooks. He hands it to Hyunjin as he’s locking the door. “C’mon. Hope there’s no traffic.”
There is, in fact, traffic. They end up late to the first class, and Hyunjin’s phone dies on him halfway through because he forgot that he hadn’t charged it in the first place. The rest of the day is smooth, good even. He only complains once about Seungmin leaving him after their classes. To his credit, Seungmin drops him off at his job and promises to be there when it’s over, even though that means he’ll essentially be doing a double trip. And he’ll have to leave again after getting home. Hyunjin tells him he doesn’t need to, but they’re inside the car and Seungmin kisses him on the mouth and says Seungmin, yes . So what’s he gonna do? Say no again? Preposterous.
Seungmin’s mouth tastes sweeter when he’s kissing him to take care of him anyway.