Archive of Our Own ^beta

Raph struggled a lot when Leo died, he wasn’t used to only having two brothers to look after and having his dad constantly hovering over them like they would disappear if he looked away for a split second made his chest feel weird.

Raph believed that Leo was still there with them, just hiding. He could still smell his little brother’s scent on the blankets and stuffed animals he dragged around. He just didn’t understand why Leo wouldn’t appear when he chirped for him or at the very least chirp back, so until Leo came back home Raph would neatly organize Leo’s plushies and make sure they were presentable enough for when his brother returned.

However, time continued and Leo still didn’t come back home.

To cope with the loss of his missing brother Raph constantly carried something that smelled like Leo, if he couldn’t carry it around with him he would stay in Leo’s bedroom until his dad coaxed him to spend time with his brothers.

He didn’t understand why dad was separating him from his brother, so he cried until his other two brothers came to comfort him.

More time passed and so did Leo’s scent.

Raph missed Leo.

The scent on his belongings was quickly fading away and dad said they had to wash Leo’s things but Raph didn’t want that. He didn’t want Leo to disappear again, he couldn’t lose the only thing he had left of his little brother.

And so Raph did the only thing he could.

He bit his dad.

A bite hard enough to draw blood and make his dad release Leo’s favorite stuffed animal.

At this point Raph didn’t care if he was being selfish or irrational, he wanted Leo, he wanted his brother back. And if the only thing he had left of his brother was his scent then he’d do whatever he could to make sure it stayed with him for as long as possible.

He ran as far as his little feet could take him away from his home and into the sewer system, holding Leo’s stuffed animal close to his chest.

After running for who knows how long Raph slumped down a wall with Leo’s plushie wrapped tightly in his arms as he took a deep breath to take in whatever he could of his brother.

The faint smell brought little comfort to him compared to the overwhelming smell of sewage waste. Tears bubbled up in Raph’s eyes as whatever left he had of Leo quickly faded to the elements. 

In a fit of anguish he threw Leo’s stuffed animal to the wall, he watched it fall pathetically to the ground, making him more angry. He grabbed the plush and dug into it, screams deafened the halls as cotton flew in every direction and fur clung to the snapper’s claws and teeth. 

Ragged breaths escaped the turtle’s beak as he stared at the plush, stuffing shrouding the floor with its limbs ripped open. 

A small whimper echoed the halls, tears bubbled up in Raph’s eyes as he stared at his brother's remains.

With shaky hands he gently picked up the now ruined toy and cradled it in his arms.

 This isn’t what he wanted.

He doesn’t just want Leo’s scent. He wants to hold his brother again, he wants to hold his hand, play fight with him, eat together, sleep together, talk to each other, just exist together.

He just wanted his brother back. 

But Leo was gone, and he wasn’t coming back.

And so Raph was left alone. No brothers to alleviate his loneliness and keep him company and no daddy to hold him close and whisper sweet words of comfort. just the sound of running water and the echoes of everything within the sewer.

He was completely, and utterly, isolated from everything he loved.

And so, with his circumstances finally setting in, whatever sense of stability he had within him, finally broke.

Raph doesn’t remember much of his time alone in the tunnels. 

He briefly recalls the sound of metal being hit, glimpses of some red substance, and the sound of yelling.

The next time he regained consciousness he was laying on a soft bed covered by blankets while holding one of Leo’s plushies. He held on tight to the stuffed animal when the sound of footsteps steadily became louder and closer. The curtain to his room was gently moved and the sight of a big rat nearly made him burst into tears. His dad stared at him for a split second before rushing towards him, placing the bowl he was holding on the nightstand and embracing him in a tight hug.

It was there in his father’s arms did he finally allow himself to grieve. 

The ever growing weight on his chest finally stopped becoming bigger and it no longer felt like he was suffocating. The tears that he so desperately tried to hold in broke out in the warm and safe embrace of his dad, who only rocked him and gently soothed his aching heart with words of reassurance.

While his heart still hurt from the loss of his brother, the pain ever so slowly faded away with time and consultation. 

Raph will never stop missing his brother, but he will learn to live without him and continue living for his family and himself.