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Hyacinth did not sign up for this. Her plan was to spend the evening with her friends getting horribly drunk, instead her big brother either wanted to fuck with her or somehow really believed this was what she wanted for a party and had taken matters into his own hand. There is a balloon arch, that her sister in law Kate has made, people are taking photos under it and she has to admit that she quite likes that. That is all she likes though. The rest... the rest is what happens when you're the youngest sibling and the 'baby' of the family. How is she supposed to impress her crush now?
Anthony has transformed his enormous back garden into a party venue, but has clearly never been to an eighteenth party. There is no alcohol except a bottle of champagne that she is forbidden from opening until everyone is ready. She can legally drink now, no more fake ID, and yet this bottle of champagne won't even be enough for just her siblings to have a glass each. It's tiny, fancy, but tiny. The food is too pristine, finely cute cucumber and cream cheese bagels, smoked salmon rolls and roast chicken wraps. She is Gen Z, half her friends don't eat fish and meat. Not that he has invited many of her friends. There is finger food too, cocktail sausages, sausage rolls, scotch eggs and carrot sticks, and then there is the pudding table which is a disgrace. Jelly and ice cream. The same pudding Anthony served just last week at a birthday party for his four year old. Hyacinth wants to throw the jelly in his face.
The cake Anthony has chosen is a three tiered vanilla and strawberry cake, it is decorated with white fondant and looks like a wedding cake. Hyacinth didn't want to eat it. The vegan alternative is carrot cake packed with raisins, dates and nuts. A crime if you ask Hyacinth. The music is the same playlist they always use. Outdated, boring and often jumps from Dancing Queen to Baby Shark with no warning leaving a bunch of excited kids on the dance floor. The worst part is that this is a kid free party. No adult wants to listen to Baby Shark.
Gregory, who convinced Colin to take him and some friends to Ibiza for his eighteenth, looks far too smug as he sits in the corner feeding his new girlfriend Lucy sausage rolls and giving Hyacinth a smirk whenever he can. The message is clear, you should have guilt trapped one of your siblings into taking a bunch of rowdy teenagers to a party island. She wishes she had. Daphne might not have agreed to Ibiza, but she might have gone for Paris and Eloise would have partied with them in Ibiza. She has made a huge mistake by not being as manipulative as her brother. She has to fix this. Gareth is here and he doesn't look impressed, who would be when the hokey cokey is playing at an eighteenth birthday party?
She knows where Anthony keeps his liquor. So she finds it easily. There are four different types of non alcoholic punch, she quickly scribbles out the none alcoholic part of the labels and then adds various liquors to each one. Feeling satisfied, she sends her sister Francesca and sister in law Gen who are both pregnant, a message to let them know not to drink the punch. Then she watches as everyone refills their drinks.
Two hours later the tone of the party has totally changed. Everyone except Francesca and Gen is tipsy or drunk. Her brother Colin is grinding on his wife Penelope. She has too look away before she gets sick. Benedict is happily telling Simon how excited he is too be a father and Simon is crying tears of joy about his new niece or nephew. Daphne, Lucy, Anthony, Kate and Gregory are dancing. Eloise and Theo are sharing their political beliefs with anyone who will listen and Michael is updating the playlist to include some more modern songs. Gen who is visibly pregnant, is sat in the shade with her hand over her bump, Francesca who is newly pregnant is beside her, they are happily chatting.
Hyacinth grins now she can actually enjoy herself.
She is talking to Gareth, trying not to say anything stupid, when she realises getting her siblings drunk may not have been a good idea. Colin skips over to them, literally skips, with Daphne on his back and when they reach them Colin grins. "My baby sister is all grown up." He slurs, stumbling a little. Daphne slides off his back and onto her bum on the grass hysterically laughing. Hyacinth sighs. This is not good. "I remember changing you when you pooped all over yourself." Colin smiles, as though it is a fond memory and not a gross one.
Daphne grins. "I remember when you bit Gregory because you were a dog." She slurs. "And you kept barking when Anthony tried to tell you off and so he made you sit in the corner and you peed in protest." She cackles. Hyacinth wishes she were an only child.
"That was funny." Colin slurs. "I miss little Hyacinth. Penelope and I are trying so hard to have a baby, but we haven't yet. I want one. Baby Hyacinth was funny." He muses. Hyacinth wishes the ground would swallow her whole. She chances a glance at Gareth, but his facial expression gives nothing away.
"You'll have a baby." Daphne, pats her brother's shoulder. Hyacinth wonders how long she'd spend in prison if she knocked them both out. Sadly she doesn't get to finish the thought. "Are you doing the sex right?" Daphne asks Colin seriously. "You have to do it right you know." Hyacinth wants to scream. "There are some positions that are better than others, which ones do you use, because Simon and I..."
"Shut up Daff!" Hyacinth cuts her off, she doesn't want to hear about her siblings sex lives even if they apparently want to hear about each others.
"Don't worry Hy, you'll have sex one day." Daphne says, trying to reassure her sister.
"I've had sex." Hyacinth all but screams. It isn't a lie, but she also isn't thinking clearly, because she screams it as the music is changing and all her siblings turn to face her, minus Gregory and Francesca who already know this information.
"YOU WHAT?" Anthony roars. If only time machines existed. The others come rushing over. Hyacinth wants to scream. "Was it safe?" Even drunk, that's Anthony's first question.
"Yes." Hyacinth must be bright red now. Worst party ever. If only she'd accepted the jelly and ice cream and followed the baby shark actions. She wouldn't be here now.
"Who was it?" Benedict demands, stumbling as he tries to lean in.
"You can't ask her that." Kate slurs. "She's allowed secrets you know and she isn't a baby, which is why we should have gone with the pub crawl Greg suggested for this party." Hyacinth shoots Gregory a grateful smile. He has always had her back, not matter how much they wind each other up.
"Do you need the pill?" Asks Penelope looking concerned.
"Fucks sake." Anthony mutters. "You can't just offer my sister the pill, are you stupid?" He demands, giving Penelope his best glower.
"Don't speak to my sex partner like that!" Colin exclaims and Hyacinth realises with some horror that Colin is a horny drunk.
"She's also your wife." Gregory points out.
"Then don't let your sex partner offer Hyacinth drugs that encourage her to have sex." Anthony retorts ignoring Gregory all together.
"This isn't the eighteenth century, she can sex with whoever the hell she wants without needing your permission." Eloise chips in. Hyacinth wonders if she is too old to be adopted into another more sane family.
"She's a baby!" Anthony roars. Everyone except Gareth seems to have vanished. Hyacinth wishes she could vanish too.
"She's an adult." Eloise shouts back. "Legally she can do whatever the fuck she wants."
Daphne frowns. "No she can't." She points out.
"Oh fuck off Daphne, she's hardly going to break the law." Eloise responds. Hyacinth disagrees, she might murder all seven of her siblings if they don't regain just a little sanity. The life sentence would be worth it so that this will never happen again.
"And Penelope is not stupid." Colin chips in, as though he has suddenly remembered what his eldest brother had said about his wife. "She's very smart and fabulous in bed."
"Can we maybe not talk about sex?" Michael asks.
"You've certainly had plenty of it." Anthony mutter.
This seems to tip Eloise over the edge. "You don't own us okay?" She screams at her brother. What will Anthony's neighbors be thinking? "We can fuck whoever we want. We are not your property." She adds stumbling forward.
"Anyone else feel drunk?" Asks Benedict out of nowhere. Hyacinth makes a break for it.
Later she is sat on her bed, pretending she has no idea how the punch ended up spiked. All her siblings have gone home and she's sure they'll all have hangovers in the morning. She is miserable. Her mother has tried to comfort her. Gregory and Lucy have offered to spend the evening, but she can't believe that her eighteenth has turned into to an evaluation of her sex life. The she gets the message.
From Gareth: Thanks for today. Your family is a walking soap opera and I loved it! If you're not still seeing whoever it was who you were sleeping with, maybe we could go out sometime? You'll never have to worry about introducing me to the family.
Hyacinth can't believe it. Maybe the party wasn't so bad after all.
The next morning there is another message on her phone.
From Oldest Bro: Hey Hy, I'm sorry about yesterday. I wasn't thinking right. Of course you can have sex with whoever you want (I can't believe I'm typing that), just make sure you stay safe. Love you and happy birthday again xxx
She smiles then too. Anthony has always been a bit of a father figure to her and the message means the world. So her eighteenth wasn't the best, her twenty first would be wild.