Chapter Text
You never forget your first love or at the very least, it’s hard to do so. In Alastor’s case, Lucifer has never forgotten his own first love as he stares at old photos and talks about her absentmindedly.
Alastor knew Lilith. He knew what she looked like and what she was like and he could see why Lucifer liked her. Lilith was beautiful. She was kind. She was everything a man could ever want and Lucifer was the lucky one to have won her heart.
But she was gone now and Alastor knows Lucifer missed her dearly and it hurt. It made him wonder if he still loved her more than he loved him or if he was just some placeholder. Alastor knew he and Lilith were similar in some ways but different in others. And recently he has been seeing only similarities and he finds himself crying himself to sleep as it starts to weigh on him just what kind of life he was living.
”Al my love are you okay?” Lucifer’s voice asks, softly placing a kiss on Alastor’s shoulder as his arms snakes around his waist.
”…uh yes. I’m alright. Sorry for waking you.”
Lucifer hums in acknowledgement, warm breath fanning across Alastor’s neck.
”You were tossing and turning. Are you sure everything is alright?” Lucifer murmurs, concern lacing his voice that made Alastor want to kick himself for thinking such terrible things about his love but still…
”Nothing dear, just a bad dream.”
Lucifer’s brows furrow from behind as he takes in Alastor’s words. That was a bit concerning. His Ally hardly ever got nightmares and when he did it was about his father and it often resulted in more than a simple tossing and turning.
The man leans in, placing another kiss on Alastor’s shoulder, frowning when he noticed how tense Alastor was even in the darkness of the room.
”What was it about?” Lucifer asks softly in hopes to get his husband to open up. That was a big problem Alastor had but Lucifer was nothing but patient.
At the shaking of Alastor’s head, Lucifer furrows his brows even more. This was worrisome. Alastor was more reserved than usual. Lucifer gently turns Alastor to look at him, lifting his chin.
”Don’t hide from me deer.”
“…Just hold me…please.”
Lucifer’s expression softens, reaching up and rubbing the apple of Alastor’s cheek.
”Of course,” he whispers, leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to Alastor’s lips.
Pulling the taller man in, Lucifer smiles as he feels Alastor curl in a bit more, making himself seem impossibly small. Silence blankets the two as Alastor traces patterns on Lucifer’s chest and Lucifer threading his slim fingers through the curls of his deer.
Alastor sighs deeply, relishing in Lucifer’s embrace and inhaling his scent. This was nice. At least it was until Alastor remembers why he was crying in the first place.
Lucifer being as perceptive as he was takes notice. He presses a few more kisses to Alastor’s head, about to ask what was wrong when there came a sigh.
”Al?”
”Do you love me?”
Lucifer freezes in shock before furrowing his brows as he looks down at Alastor who was still having a staring contest with his chest.
”Of course I do deer, what kind of question is that?” He asks, trying to read Alastor which was a lot harder when it was dark.
Alastor ignores Lucifer, shaking his head as tears welled once more.
”How much?”
Lucifer’s expression twists into concern at the glisten of what looked to be tears in Alastor’s eyes. He reaches his thumbs up, gently wiping them away.
”Ally…where is all of this coming from?”
Lucifer watches Alastor carefully, growing more concerned at his second question. But before he could answer, Alastor speaks once more.
”Do you love me as much as you loved…love her?”
Lucifer faces falls before going blank and unreadable. He stares at Alastor silently as his hands move from his lover’s face and down to his waist, unsure what to say.
He doesn’t answer for a long time, doesn’t even blink, unsure how to answer. But the silence was more than enough for Alastor and it hurt. Hurt more than any other pain imaginable.
“I-I see,” Alastor breathes shakily, untangling himself from the now cold and suffocating hold of his husband. Of his first love.
“I need to go.”
Feeling Alastor’s warmth start to drift, Lucifer snaps back to reality as he realizes just how much he messed up and hurt his Al. He scrambled up, grasping onto Alastor’s wrist to keep him from leaving.
”Al wait-“
”Lucifer please. I need to think. I need space,” Alastor whispers, tugging his arm out of Lucifer’s hold and whisking out of the room without another word.
Lucifer’s hold slowly fell as his husband took his hand away. He stares at the spot where Alastor stood, war raging in his head. He wanted to go after him, wanted to explain but then words Alastor spoke echoed in his head.
He wanted space. He needed space. He deserved space.
Lucifer didn’t want to give it to Alastor. He wanted to run after and stop him but he couldn’t move. And when Lucifer heard the front door to the house open and close, he knew it was too late.
You never forget your first love and that curse ruined Lucifer’s second love.