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His leg is fine.
It’s fine because it has to be fine.
He fucked up everything over being ready to go back, he messed up the lives of everyone he cares about so he doesn’t have a choice.
He doesn’t want to be exhausting anymore.
So he tries to think more about what he’s doing, to help around the firehouse, to help with Chris when Eddie needs it.
He tries not to think about the bruises Eddie keeps showing up to work with, the ones that he claims are from roughhousing with Christopher despite the fact that the kid probably couldn’t do that amount of damage if he decided to beat Eddie with his crutches.
Then his best friend's situation gets resolved without his help and he feels even more useless, even though they’re getting closer to how they were before it’s become clear Eddie doesn’t need him the way he needs Eddie, even if his friend says he does.
Eddie had a life before joining the LAFD and he has the greatest kid in the world and even with all the shit he’s been through he at least doesn’t drag everyone else into it.
He has the 118, Maddie but she’s dating Chim, and Chris who isn’t even his actual kid.
So yeah he basically has the 118.
And a fucked up leg that he can’t admit is fucked up because he’ll loose everything.
But it hurts all the time and he’s tired of the pain, even after the screws are removed and he’s clot free and off the cursed blood thinners.
It just never goes away and at some point he caves and gets a compression brace for his knee and ankle that fit under his uniform. He manages as best he can, the adrenaline helping him through fast paced calls until he gets somewhere it’s safe to feel it fully. Most of the time it’s just a dull ache, uncomfortable like he worked out a little too hard.
Other times he runs through a burning building and he thinks his leg is actually on fire.
Today had been one of those days, the ones where he can barely get out of bed and shouldn’t have gone to work but he can’t let everyone down again, let Eddie down again.
So he does it anyway despite the tightness in his lower back and nerve pain from his hip to his toes, like live wires under his skin, through his joints and bones. Then they have back to back calls for the first twelve hours of the shift and by the time they get back to the firehouse for more than five minutes he feels like he’s being crushed all over again.
He lets everyone else shower first, unable to stand back up now that he’s sat down on the couch where he’ll be for the foreseeable future it’s harder to keep himself together. If there’s another call he might not be able to get back up, won’t be able to walk, he doesn’t even know how to get back to his car to leave.
So for once he just lets himself have a moment. He told Eddie he was done feeling sorry for himself and he’s tried but it’s hard with everything going on not to slip into the familiar dark place in his head. But he’s trying for Eddie.
Trying not to be so exhausting.
Even though he’s exhausting himself.
Everyone is asleep and the Advil is out of reach so he shoves his face into the pillow and tries not to feel, which he’s never been any good at. All the pain is still there tearing through his leg and spreading through his back and his other hip and it hurts so bad he curls into himself and finally lets the tears come when no one is around to be dragged down by his issues.
He’s still sniffling pathetically into the pillow when he hears footsteps, trying to choke down the noises. “Buck you in here?” Eddie calls out and he almost says he’s not but that would be counterproductive so he shuts up. Not that it matters because Eddie finds him anyway like he always does, weight settling next to him on the couch and jostling his bad leg in a way that startles a choked gasp out of him.
“Are you okay?” Eddie asks a little more worry in his voice as he nods. “Then why aren’t you talking, I’ve literally never heard you shut up before” he says with a teasing tone as he resists the urge to curl closer to his best friend's comforting presence. “M’ just tired” he slurs out, voice rough and strained as Eddie tenses next to him.
Suddenly the light is flicking on and Eddie’s rough hands are running over his body in practiced movements “Where are you hurt?” His friend demands. “M’ not hurt” he mumbles in response as Eddie scoffs, and leans over him to continue the inspection, pressing his body against his bad leg.
The cut off scream is beyond his control as his hands reach down to grasp at Eddies on his knee, scrambling to pull his friends hands off. “Stop stop- Eds get off me!” He cries out and Eddie jumps back like he’s been burned with a mix of terror and fury on his face. “It’s your leg? What the fuck Evan what did you do?” Eddie hisses at him and he can’t help the tears that come all over again.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t do anything it’s just- just a bad day. I tried to not bother you, I really I tried- I know you’re tired enough without me exhausting you” He murmurs, curling back into the pillow when all he wants is to rest his head against Eddie’s thigh. “Hey hey it's okay carino I didn’t mean to yell Buck you just scared me- has your leg been hurting? You said it was okay.”
He just shakes his head and wipes his face on the cushion before dragging himself into an upright position, jaw clenched the whole time. “Yeah I’m fine I must’ve just tweaked it a little on a call but I’m sure it’ll be good to go by morning- I’m sorry I made you get up you can go back to sleep.” Eddie just frowns at him “You can’t seriously believe I’m going to leave you here like this- you’re hurting even if you say you’re not injured.”
“I’m not injured it just hurts Eddie- all the fucking time and it never stops!” He snaps “I can’t- I’m so tired.” It comes out embarrassingly pathetic but Eddie is just watching him with concerned brown eyes “Eds I can’t do this anymore- I tried.” He’s crying again, too exhausted to even worry about it right now when Eddie tugs him into his chest and starts carding fingers through his curls.
“Just shut up for a second Buck- I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about but I need you to take a deep breath okay- I know you’re in pain but you’re not bothering me, you could never bother me. I don’t know why you would think that Buck” Eddie murmurs, tugging him closer into his chest and gripping the back of his neck as he finally lets himself succumb fully to the pain, letting Eddie take all his weight.
Then pain is the worst it’s been since the accident and he’s too tired to even cry anymore, just clinging to Eddie’s torso as tremors rack his body, his best friend's strong arms wrapped tight around him holding him up easily as a hand tangles in his hair.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Eddie asks between murmured Spanish words “I didn’t want to be exhausting anymore” he murmurs, hoping that just this once Eddie will forgive him but his friend just makes an annoyed noise “Why the hell do you keep saying that?” He bites back, sounding more a little frustrated with him. “Because you said it and you were right and I didn’t want to lose you.”
Immediately Eddie stills, the soothing motions stopping abruptly as he groans at a particularly vicious pulse of pain races up his leg, gripping the back of Ed’s old army hoodie. “What?” He asks, sounding devastated and he just blinks at the wall and twists his fingers into the thick fabric “Buck what are you talking about?” He asks again and he doesn’t want to do this now but he also doesn’t want to argue more with Eddie.
“At the grocery store- during the lawsuit” he whispers but still Eddie flinches and swears softly in Spanish. “Buck I didn’t mean that” Eddie starts in some overly kind attempt to make him feel better but he just shakes his head “You were right about everything, I’m always making my shit everyone else’s problem- especially you and I can’t do that anymore. Ed’s I can’t lose you and Chris.”
Suddenly the solid circle of Eddie’s arms is disappearing and he’s being pushed back and his vision blurs and pain is still pulsing through his leg, the only thing that cuts through the agony is the fear of losing Eddie- for real this time.
Then a hand cups his cheek and he’s staring directly into Eddie’s intense brown eyes “Ev I need you to look at me and listen carefully carino. I had no right to say that, I don’t feel that way about you and I never will, please believe me. I only said that because I was pissed that you made a shitty decision and hurt because I needed you and you couldn’t be there but I need you to know that you are not losing Chris and you certainly aren’t losing me okay? I care about you so much Buck and I want to know what’s going on with you and I want to help.”
He just shakes his head as the tears come back full force because he’s been struggling so much to deal with all of this by himself when Eddie is the only one he has, the only one he can talk to about this since Cap has been so overprotective. And he’s in so much pain it’s difficult to process what exactly Eddie is saying except that he’s not mad and he has the sincerity in his expression he only gets when he’s being dead serious.
“Eds” he whimpers and Eddie just crushes him back to his chest “I gotcha Buck okay I’m right here- just gimme a sec and I’ll let Cap know you’re sick so we can head home yeah? You me and Chris, we’ll make a day of it once you’re feeling a little better.” He tries to protest but he can’t get the words to sound right, because truly he’s exhausted and he wants nothing more than to go home to Eddie and Christopher, to sleep after hours on his feet and take painkillers while Eddie keeps stroking his hair and whispering Spanish endearments to him.
The lack of protest seems to freak Eddie out enough that he scoops him up bridal style and makes his way to the bunks. In any other situation he’d be awed by Eddie’s strength but right now he’s in too much pain to think and being moved doesn’t help. But then he’s being tenderly laid down on his bunk and Eddie is tapping his cheek to get his attention “Hey Buck carino you gotta get your stuff together yeah? Anything you need before morning and I’ll talk to Cap comprende?” He nods and gets a steady squeeze to his hand before the reassuring presence is gone- still he can hear whispers.
Trying to do what Eddie asked he tosses a few items he can reach into his duffel bag before giving up and slumping back against the wall, for the first time since everything happened he’s glad Eddie made him switch to the bottom bunk. And sure enough a few minutes later Eddie hauls both their bags over his shoulder with a promise to be right back. He’s alone for what feels like a crazy long time with how the muscles in his leg still feel strained, the bones and joints aching as the nerve pain that’s so difficult to describe prickles through his leg.
He lets out another pained groan when Eddie scoops him up but otherwise lets himself be held, he’d protest but even he’s not stupid enough not to realize the leg can’t take his weight right now. However embarrassing this is, it's better than the alternative, better than his leg buckling and him splitting his head open on a nightstand and waking everyone else and getting suspended again.
Yeah Eddie’s arms are definitely preferable.
Even once they’re in the car Eddie continues to rest his hand gently on his knee as his head lolls awkwardly against the seat. “Hey carino, stay awake a minute longer and I’ll get you settled when we get home, how’s the pain?” He’s not sure what to say so he just shrugs “That bad huh? Just a couple more minutes.” He nods but doesn’t bother responding, not even when they actually pull up outside the Diaz house and Eddie scoops him up again.
He tucks his face away in Eddie's neck until he’s deposited onto a warm mattress that smells like his best friend. Cracking his eyes open he’s surprised to not see the familiar guest bedroom but rather Eddie’s Navy comforter. “S’ your room” he protests but all he gets in response is a tired grunt, as if he didn’t feel bad enough already for derailing Eddie’s night.
“Alright I’m going to give you some Tylenol and I have a CBD balm if you want me to rub your leg.” He just nods and obediently swallows the pills Eddie pops in his mouth, letting him pull off his pants and rub the balm in. At first it’s tender to the touch but Eddie’s strong practiced hands gently massage circles into his leg as he’s finally able to relax fully, eyelids drooping.
He wakes up to a dull ache and something warm pressed to his cheek as he shifts marginally closer to the source of the warmth. “Mornin Sunshine” a familiar voice teases and he wonders if he's still dreaming “Um Eddie” he mumbles and his best friends laugh sounds a little too real “Are we dead?” The scoff he receives in response makes him less sure he’s dreaming.
“You’re not dead Buck you’re at home with me and Chris” Eddie explains fondly “S’not my room” he protests sleepily as he turns into what he thinks might be Eddie’s chest as a hand comes up to play with his hair. “No, we were supposed to be working overnight so Carla’s still in the guest bedroom, I was going to sleep on the couch but you passed out on me while I was putting the salve on your leg.”
He nods and feels conciseness start setting in for real, embarrassment over everything yesterday and this morning coming with it. He’s about to open his mouth when Eddie yawns and rolls out of bed “You better not be getting ready to apologize” he ignores the comment because Eddie knows him well enough there’s little point in protesting.
Groaning he pushes himself off Eddie, it worsens the bone deep ache in his leg where the bones had been shattered but doesn’t buckle under his weight. It still hurts more than normal but it’s not the blinding agony of last night.
“Feeling better?” Eddie asks, clearly assessing his careful movements as well and he nods “A little stupid but I’m okay, are you going to tell Cap?” He asks as a sudden panic grips his chest at what that could mean- because he doesn’t think this pain is going anywhere anytime soon. “You got cleared for duty and it seems like you can push through it on calls- even if I don’t approve of that decision it’s your body. But if it’s getting as bad as yesterday you need to be man behind- that’s the deal if you keep pushing yourself to the edge of a cliff I won’t let you jump off, even if it means telling Cap.”
That’s- that’s not quite what he wants to hear but it’s probably fair “Okay deal” he mumbles and Eddie claps his shoulder as he rolls out of the other side of his bed, giving him one last piercing glance “For what it’s worth I think Bobby would say the same thing” he mutters before the bathroom door closes.
He just rubs a hand over his face and stumbles to his feet, it still hurts a lot but it’s nothing like the white hot agony last night and since it’s not a secret anymore he lets himself limp to the kitchen sink with his toothbrush and toothpaste. Chris is on the couch playing Mario Cart, he grins at him but doesn’t turn away from the game so he just sits down at the counter.
Eddie comes out a minute later and makes scrambled eggs with ham, one of the few things he can cook, and sits next to him to eat. Carla being the Angel that she is got Chris breakfast before leaving.
“Can you drive me back to the firehouse to get my car?” He asks Eddie after a while off sitting in pleasant silence but to his surprise Eddie just shakes his head “No I’ll take you tomorrow, today we’re going to stay here with Chris and build a blanket fort, watch movies and order takeout.” He shakes his head, still feeling guilty and embarrassed but also impossibly fond “You’re basically holding me hostage” he points out but Eddie just shrugs and smirks at him as he’s already making his way over to the couch and Christopher, grabbing the spare controller.
Even though he’s still not feeling good, even though he’s still embarrassed, there’s no where else he’d rather be.