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Aiden was hurt.
This was nothing new to the blonde. His life consisted of a tedious cycle of pain and peace that he would never outgrow. He learned to accept his fate years ago and had since settled into a comfortable coexistence.
But this was a different type of pain–a pain he wasn’t used to. This wasn’t the white-hot pain that coursed through his veins with an aftertaste of flavorful adrenaline, nor was it the pain he intermittently felt as he fell apart at 2AM. No, this was something much worse. This was a pain he felt deep within himself.
This pain was the truth, the realization of a much-dreaded revelation. He knew he’d come to this point one way or another, but he didn’t expect it to happen so soon.
He had felt inadequate before; small moments in the pocket of time that ultimately meant nothing. The sweet and savory voice in the back of his mind would always remind him that this feeling–like most things–would soon pass and a new feeling, one much kinder, would bud through.
This wasn’t the case.
The truth was: he was useless.
He wasn’t analytical like Ashlyn. He wasn’t intelligent like Logan. He wasn’t empathetic like Taylor. He wasn’t motivated like Tyler. He wasn’t patient like Ben. He was impulsive and reckless.
Perhaps what bothered him the most was his reliance on a couple stupid pulls in order to function as a normal person (and even then, he still found existing to be aggravating). Of course, his meds helped with his ADHD amongst other things, but not without something in return. He had little to no appetite, his blood pressure would drop, he often felt moments of numbness, and the nausea in the morning was unforgiving.
It was pathetic.
It felt childish, not because he felt these were conflicts a functioning member of society shouldn’t face, but because it took away a piece of his independence–something he valued greatly.
So, he took control where he could. He played games of chance at each curb and under each passageway, because the adrenaline was far more pleasurable than the alternative. The fear reminded him his life was his own and no one could take that away from him. He knew the precarious positions he put himself in were far from favorable. Any jump, turn, or breath could be his last. Within the next few nights, he could die. The next mission. The next thrill. The next risk. At any time, he would have to take his place as a toy and dangle himself in front of Death itself until it decided if it wanted him or not.
Only Death would want someone like him.
“ Aiden !” Someone called loudly, angrily.
Aiden looked up to see Tyler in his bedroom doorway, leaning promptly against the side frame with his arms crossed and brows knitted firmly. He had a familiar look in his eyes, something resembling anger but adrift as well; it felt promising.
“What?” Aiden tried to sound natural. He tried to sound annoyed, like he typically did with Tyler; that part was never exaggerated. He was easily annoyed by Tyler. He did things that truly made Aiden want to bang his head against a wall, but he was sure the feeling was mutual. Despite this, he knew Tyler was a good person and an even more reliable friend, he would just never admit it.
“Taylor and Logan made mac ‘n cheese. We’re all gonna eat and watch the new Hunger Games movie.” Tyler replied dryly.
“You could've just yelled from downstairs, dude.” Aiden smiled playfully
“Taylor asked me to get you.” Tyler shrugged, “Well, anyways, I’m done here.”
Tyler pushed off the frame and turned on his heel to leave, but his fingers couldn’t let go of the wood. He glanced back and was confused. Aiden had gone back to his trance-like state. It was obvious no attempts would be made to get up and attend this makeshift dinner.
Tyler shouldn’t care; he didn’t care–or, at least, he typically wouldn’t care. If Aiden wanted to waste the night away in his room, then so be it; he couldn’t care less. Although, something seemed different this time. He had never seen this emotion–whatever it may be–on Aiden; it terrified him.
He was visibly lost in his thoughts–drowning in his mind. He was screaming, gasping for air, begging for someone to pull him out and Tyler was just standing there. He had seen this before, with his mom. His heart began to ache at the familiarity. Whatever Aiden was pondering, it was changing him. Despite any mediocre feelings he had towards Aiden, they were still friends, and he knew better than to flirt with danger the way Aiden did.
“Stop it.” Tyler deadpanned.
“I didn’t even do anything!” Aiden chuckled with his arms in the air.
“You’re thinking so loud it’s giving me a headache. Just- Stop.” Tyler explained,
“Why are you still here?” Aiden pouted, ignoring the accusation.
“Why are you still here? Dinner, remember?” Tyler motioned towards the staircase at the end of the hall.
“I know. I have ears, halfwit.” Aiden said matter-of-factly.
“I don’t see you moving!” Tyler felt leaks of frustration seep through his words.
“I’ll get there when I get there, man. What’s your problem?” Aiden felt a bit harsh with his comments, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
“C’mon, what could you possibly need to do? Just get up off your-” Tyler started to angrily ramble. Years and grievance and disappointment he felt towards his mother was presenting itself unfairly at Aiden, but it felt too good to stop.
“Leave!” Just- Leave!” Aiden pointed to the door, feeding off the resentment from earlier and the irritation radiating from Tyler.
“I was just trying to be nice, Aiden. Nice . Do you know what that word means?” Tyler mocked in a childish tone.
“No one asked you to be here.” Aiden gritted through his teeth.
“ Exactly! Taylor, Ashlyn- literally no one asked me, ‘Go get Aiden.’ But you know what? I did anyway, because that’s what friends do!” Tyler shouted, his skin starting to boil. He felt his hands tighten into rageful fists. He had no intentions of punching Aiden, but with how this conversation was going, he just might for the hell of it.
The room was blanketed in a thick silence. They stared for what seemed like forever, waiting for the other to make the first move. Tyler was painted in pain and twisted with aches, but Aiden was wide-eyed and blank. Tyler let out labored puffs of air as he began to relax, releasing his grip before his nails could dig into his skin.
“Aiden, I didn’t mean to-” Tyler started, his voice soft and calming with a slight taste of discomfort; Aiden still didn’t care.
“Go watch the movie, Tyler.” Aiden mumbled lightly, burying his face in his hands.
“Aiden, please. If you’d just listen for once-”
“Bye, Tyler.”
“I was just-”
“I’m not hungry, really.”
“We both know damn well-”
“Tyler!” Aiden snapped.
Aiden looked up to lock eyes with him and Tyler’s face softened. Tyler stared at his friend. He saw his mom struggling to get out of bed, refusing meals despite his desperate pleas, and fighting off comforting words as if they were a virus, and suddenly he wasn’t all that angry anymore.
Tyler could see the redness flood Aiden’s face and the gloss cover his red eyes. The almost invisible tremble to his bottom lip and bob of his Adam’s apple was unsettling. Tyler had never seen Aiden cry, and he was not about to.
Tyler sighed before walking over to sit beside his friend. They were only a foot apart but felt miles away. There wasn’t a fiber in their beings that could urge them to look at each other; they could only hunch over their knees, stare at the floor, and fidget with their hands. Months in the phantom dimension fighting for their lives and they still didn’t have the courage to look each other in the eyes.
“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong.” Tyler demanded boldly.
“What if I get up and leave?” Aiden challenged.
“You won’t.” Tyler said with confidence.
“What if I don’t talk?” Aiden pushed further.
“Something tells me you want to.” Tyler responded solemnly.
“They’re gonna be wondering where you are.” Aiden pointed out.
“Wouldn’t worry too much. I told them I was going to the bathroom. They’re not gonna want to know what was going on if I miss too much.” Tyler shrugged.
“Why’d you lie?” Aiden asked with a gentler, more genuine tone.
“It was easier than admitting I didn’t want to eat in awkward movie silence.” Tyler revealed with a handful of reluctance.
“So, what’s up?” Tyler tried. Emotions weren’t exactly his forte, and they never would be, but that wouldn’t stop him from trying his damndest.
“If I’m being honest with you…”
The pregnant pause was unnerving.
“I’ve been really stressed out about everything with the phantoms and just trying to survive each night.”
At some point during his confession, the two had finally locked eyes. In an instant, Tyler had seen the hesitation pool in Aiden’s muscles and the shake knocking against his skin. He watched Aiden firmly swallow the lump in his throat. He noticed the pull of Aiden’s lip stringing together words that seemed staged –practical in performance. Above all else, Tyler felt the crack in Aiden’s heart spread to his irises.
Everything could mean nothing if it weren’t for those damn eyes. They tore everything away and left the bareness of it all. He would learn to trust those eyes one day, but he needed to learn to trust himself first.
“We’re gonna figure it out, Aiden. You’re not alone. We’re all in it together.” Tyler tried to assure his friend, but it felt futile. He felt like he was trying to fix something that was never truly broken; he was mending the wrong break.
“Thanks, halfwit.” Aiden playfully punched the other, much to Tyler’s dismay. “Didn’t mean to get all weird on ya there.”
Aiden smiled at him.
Tyler hated that smile. He hated the tug of his lips as they limply dragged each muddy consonant and sharp vowel. He hated the chapped skin Aiden made no efforts to comfort. He hated the artificial sweetener he poured down his throat after each sentence. There was nothing to like about that smile, and yet, he smiled back.
“Not a problem,” He stood up and patted his sides stiffly. “Well, you coming?”
“Yeah,” Aiden nodded and stood up to follow his friend.
Tyler didn’t even make it into the hall before a loud thud resonated from behind him. He turned around to see Aiden lying face down on the carpeted floor.
“What the hell?” He scoffed.
There was no response.
“Whatever, Aiden. Get up.” Tyler rolled his eyes.
Silence.
A blaring alarm rang in his ears, initiating a panic he wasn’t familiar with. He got down on the floor and rolled Aiden onto his side.
“Jokes over, Aiden.” He gently slapped his face; it did nothing except fill the disturbing silence with a temporary crack.
“Aiden?!” Tyler grabbed Aiden’s shoulders, “Ben! Taylor! Help!” Tyler called out. He shook Aiden’s shoulders but was greeted with nothing other than shallow breaths and rapid footsteps marching the stairs.
“What the hell happened?” Ashlyn got there first. She fell to the floor and lifted Aiden’s head, scanning for reassurance.
“I- I don’t know!” Tyler stuttered, letting go of Aiden and taking a step back. He ran his fingers through his hair in a moment of uncertainty; he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He prided himself in being able to take care of others; if he couldn’t help with a measly fall then what use was he?
“What did you do?” Taylor was quick to accuse.
“Nothing! He just passed out!” Tyler held up his hands in defense.
‘Step back.’ The text-to-speech app on Ben’s phone rang from the back.
Hesitantly, Tyler and Ashlyn removed themselves from the scene and watched on the sidelines with Taylor and Logan. They waited as Ben rolled Aiden onto his back and placed a pillow under his legs. Ben was far from distressed, holding a natural demeanor. His comfort with the situations managed both security and concern.
Ben sat down beside his cousin with a usual patience and began typing on his phone. The others waited anxiously for his words.
‘Can someone get his backpack from downstairs?’ He looked up with soft eyes.
“I got it.” Logan quickly and shakily left the room, yearning to feel a pinch of usefulness.
“What now?” Ashlyn looked around, confirming the collective unease with which everyone was holding themselves.
‘We wait.’
“ Wait ? Shouldn’t we call 9-1-1?” Taylor firmly argued.
‘No need.’ Ben quickly opposed, reminded of Aiden’s repetitive and tiresome visits to the hospital that had sprouted a deeply rooted hatred for blue scrubs and pale walls.
“Ben, what is happening ?” Tyler questioned with visible frustration.
‘Aiden can tell you when he wakes up.’ Ben responded indifferently to the radiating unrest.
“Got it!” Logan ran into the room, heaving for air in his lungs. Tyler placed a hand on his back and reassuringly rubbed circles over his shirt, attempting to calm him down.
“ Breathe , Logan. We’re Ok.” Tyler whispered.
Logan nodded before tossing the bag over to Ben. Everyone watched intently as Ben removed a water bottle and packets of salt from the front pocket. He gently laid them out in front of him before setting the bag aside.
Had it not been for the dire circumstances, Ben could swear Aiden looked peaceful, as if he were sleeping. The dark circles under his eyes blended nicely into the shadows. His cheeks were soft and pale, free from the constant onslaught of labor they were forced into when his lips curved further and further up until they lost all purpose. Ben pushed some of Aiden’s hair out of his face, gently patting the golden locks. He noticed dark roots that were ever so slightly starting to peek out.
The person Aiden used to be was stored in a special place among Ben’s shelves of memories. In all honesty, he wasn’t fond of the person Aiden used to be. He hated the way negativity radiated off his words, he hated the silence that filled his room, he hated the tears that filled Aiden’s dark eyes but never fell. The person Aiden used to be was unwelcoming and insufferable, but he was authentic .
Perhaps Ben didn’t like this version of his cousin as well? He could never hate his cousin; he just hated the way he made him feel. Aiden could hide behind snarky quips and loud gestures all he wanted, but Ben was too observant and too forgiving to be fooled by his superficial persona.
Aiden began to stir against the floor, gaining the attention of the others. His hands twitched and legs shifted with tension. Ben watched for the signs he had grown to recognize.
With a startling gasp, Aiden sat up and searched the room with wide eyes. This always happened when he passed out; he woke up in a state of “fight or flight” with a suspended memory of the events that transpired beforehand. Of course, everything came back to him eventually, but the panic was instantaneous.
“What- Fuck-” Heavy breaths littered his body, unable to take in his surroundings.
Ben placed his hands on Aiden’s shoulders, trying to ground him, but Aiden was far from impressionable. Ben resorted to cupping Aiden’s face, encouraging him to look him in the eyes. Ben made exaggerated motions for Aiden to breathe , motioning with his chest and lungs. Aiden quickly benefited from this example, echoing the motions.
Once Ben was confident Aiden was all there, he let him go and handed him the water and salt. Aiden glared at him angrily–he always hated this part. Ben offered no room for negotiation as he shoved them into his arms, forcing him to reluctantly accept them.
Aiden sat up and tore open a couple salt packets before downing them easily, ignoring the burning sensation channeling down his throat. He washed it all down with some water before taking in his surroundings. Ben knew this wasn’t a conversation Aiden was entirely ready to have with the others, but he couldn’t exactly back-track at this point.
“Funny seeing you guys here.” Aiden smirked, clearly opting for an avoidant approach.
“I liked him better when he was unconscious.” Tyler deadpanned, earning a jab from his sister.
“Are you gonna tell us what the hell just happened?” Ashlyn impatiently questioned.
“Oh, that? That just happens sometimes.” Aiden shrugged, ignoring the unamused look Ben was giving him.
“Ok? Um, why, though?” Logan furthered the interrogation.
“Just does, I guess.” Aiden quickly deflected. Ben’s eyes glared daggers into Aiden’s skin, burning his tongue and screaming in his ears. He sighed and gathered all the courage that had pooled onto the floor. “I take these pills– they’re prescribed, I’m not like that –and sometimes it fucked with my blood pressure, and when my blood pressure drops, so do I.” Aiden chuckled. No one seemed to be entertained.
“What are the pills for?” Tyler asked.
“Tyler! You can’t just ask that!” Taylor shot him a mortified look.
“Why not?! He’s asked me way worse questions!” Tyler narrowed his eyes on the blonde.
“You don’t have to answer that, Aiden. We’re glad you shared this with us.” Taylor ignored her brother.
Aiden anxiously rubbed his hands over each other before taking another sip of water to soothe his dry throat. He looked to Ben for assurance and with a subtle nod, he felt the calamity in his lungs come to a settlement.
“I don’t want this to become a whole thing, Ok?” Aiden started with silent nods from the others, “I take a couple different meds, mainly for ADHD, and some of the side effects aren’t entirely pleasant. I’m typically pretty good at managing it, but sometimes things just happen.”
“Are there any other side effects we should know about?” Logan added.
“Nothing you can really help with. Although, if I pass out again, I’m supposed to have someone lay me on my back, elevate my legs, and then give me water and salt when I wake up.” Aiden recited what his psychiatrist had told him.
“Noted.” Ashlyn nodded firmly.
“So…are we gonna watch the movie still?” Tyler rocked back and forth on his feet.
“I’m down. Still got any mac ‘n cheese?” Aiden smiled.
“Plenty.” Taylor smiled back.
Ben helped Aiden to his feet and allowed him a moment to steady himself with his arms, at least until he regained control over his legs. The others started filing out of the room, leaving Ben to guide his cousin downstairs. Aiden reached down to grab his bag, but Ben held up a hand to stop him and grabbed it for him, slinging it over his shoulder.
Aiden smiled and Ben softly grinned back. He turned around to start walking when a hand softly grabbed his arm, urging his eyes on Aiden once more.
“Thank you, Ben.” Aiden softly whispered, his words dripping with timid peace.
‘Always. That’s what family’s for.’ Ben signed to his cousin.
Aiden smiled at him before following down the steps.
It wasn’t often Ben found comfort behind Aiden’s smiles, but this one proved to be more merciful and kind than he was used to. Perhaps his cousin wasn’t the same person he used to be, and perhaps he was still just as broken, but he wasn’t gone. The little boy who drew chalk sharks on the side of the house and captured fuzzy caterpillars in the backyard was still in there somewhere, he was sure of it. All things, with enough time and patience, could be mended back into how it once was.
Perhaps Aiden would never be the same.
And perhaps that was for the better.