Chapter Text
Dazai Osamu always felt empty.
Everytime his mother told him she loves him no matter what while crying desperatly and hugging him so thight his breath escaped his lungs or everytime his dad screamed at his mother over nothing. Everytime he slit his wrist until he was bleeding all over the floor leaving brown, bloody stains or a girl told him she has a crush on him.
He always felt empty. Like there's something missing from his dead yet still beating heart. It wasn't 'good', it wasn't 'normal'. It scared his mom and People were calling him a freak for not reacting the same way they did. It was starting to be inconvinient so he learnd to pretend.
People said to always be emphatic towards others so he learnt to pretended to care. He pretended to be happy at someone's success or let People cry while he spat empty, comforting words sothing their worries.
People said to be mindfull so he pretended to think about others. He asked a classmate or two about the ussless things they did that weekend. He asked them for their plans, hobbies, maybe who they like. He never rememberd any their names or more like he tried not to. They were all the same, stupid humans. Nothing was ever special about them.
People said to be funny, no one likes someone who's serious all the time. So he got his own sense of humor. He studied what humor is most beloved by People his age and got his own. About suicide. Got People concerned but when they thought 'he wasn't serious' he was met with reactions ' yeah same' or ' reletable' usually with paired laughter.
But the most confusing emotion to pretend was love.
When he asked about it, People anwsered unclearly.
" You'll know when you'll met her!"
" It's like butterflies in your stomach. You don't want to leave them and you want to be with them for the rest of your life."
" You'll just know"
But no matter how much he tried he could never fake that particular emotion. It was always easier for him to fake happiness then love.
He could fake a laugh but somehow all the girls and boys who had crushes on him , always knew he didn't feel the same. Some stopped trying to date him after realizing that but others did not care , even if the relationship is only one-sided. So he pretended. That's all He ever did.
Until one day.
He didn't have to pretend anymore.
And it started in high school.
He was walking lost in his thoughts. The teacher gave out a pretty hard asignment so he planned out how to get started on it. He hadn't even realised that someone runned into him until he was on the floor rubbing his head from how hard he hit it. He opened his eyes seeing the one who bumpted into him.
The boy had short, orange hair forming nicely around his head and small, almond eyes. One of them was azure blue while the other was chocolate brown. Both of them shining, looking at him with concern. His eyes were beautiful so much so he could get lost just staring at them. His light complexion showed him all the freckles spread across his face almost as light as his skin. If you weren't looking directly at them you could miss them. But he was staring probably more carefull than anyone ever has. They were like little constelations on his cheeks, nose and right under his eyes. He was wearing a black t- shirt with a band he didn't know.
He was frozen. He didn't know if he was breathing looking at the boy in front of him. He was sure his mouth was open.
-" I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"- the boy spoke. His voice echoed in his ears. It was a delicate but at the same time powerfull voice. A voice he wouldn't mind hearing everyday for the rest of his life. His cheeks were getting warmer and it seemed like his dead heart begin beating for the first time in his entire life.
The boy was still staring at him. If Dazai looked even more into his eyes he could see them looking with the same awe that he had. Dazai just nodded, his voice trapped in his throat unable to say anything. He could see their things all over the floor but turning his head back he saw an extanded hand towards him. He took it. The hand was smaller then his with black short nails. The skin was smooth byt when he was picked up from the floor he could feel the strengh that was behind that pull.
-" Sorry i should have been more carefull." - Dazai said but the redhead just shook his head.
-" No,no. I was the one who runned into you. I'll help you pick you're things up." - he said Dazai used this to see if he could find a notebook of some sort to figure out the boy's name, grade or anything really. He found a notebook on the floor between all the mess that didn't belong to himself. It was red with black flames. He opened it to see the others name.
Chuuya Nakahara
He smiled to himself and picked up rest of they boys stuff. Seeing if he could find anything he could rake home to study and the boy wouldn't probabky niticed missing.
-" There!" - they both said at once. When they realized Dazais eyes winded and Chuuya blushed a little. Dazai saw theat the redhead picked up his things. They switched.
-" Anyway what's your name ?"- asked the ginger. Dazai question if he could make a joke out of it.
-" Well i would Tell you but first i must ask you, if you would be willing to commit a double suicide with me?"- he said smirking. He tried for a joking maybe flirty tone. The redhead blushed slightly cause it was known across Japan that double suicide was also known as couples suicide or lovers suicide. But then his face darkened a little.
-" Don't joke about something like that you fuck!" - he shouted suddenly, changing quickly. Nothing was left from the akaward boy bumping into him from ealier. Dazai was met with this type of reactions pretty often but he was geniuely surprised at how quickly the boy changed his expression. That actually made him Wonder." Was that just a façade? Or perhaps he personally knew People who did it?" But he couldn't be sure yet so he shook the thought out of his head.
-" Well would you be willing?"- Ginger raised his eyebrows unimpressed.
-" Obviously not. Now i'm not even sure if i warto know your name." - he spat byr you could hear a hint if humor in it and a small smile forming on his delicate, red lips.
-" My name is Dazai Osamu."- he smiled wider.
-" Nakahara Chuuya." - then the ball rang and they both needed to get to class. Chuuya turned to walk away but stopped and looked at Dazai -" Talk to you after class?"- his hair flowing and face relaxed. That look could be what Dazai wanted to see for the rest of his life. His chest tighted and stomach twisted but not in a unpleasant way. He couldn't say anything for a moment.
-" Sure" - he muttered and chuuya nodded running off to whatever his lesson was. Dazai did the same thing. He apologized to the teacher for being late and opened his notebook. On the first page he saw a phone number written in not his handwriting. " When did -?" Then he saw a name.." Chuuya ". It must've been when he was picking up my things. He smirked to himself.
He tried to listen to the lesson but all in his head was the redhead from ealier. He knew what he has to do now.
He never felt anything like this before but he knew.
Was this "love"?
He knew he had to get him.
He needed him.
He must have him.
No matter what
No matter who will get in his way
He will have him.
He will be his.
There was no other way.