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"Amber make sure you pass out these and Lisa, darling, you did clear it with Charles right?" Jean busied herself with papers on her desk, always working on something or another. Finally stilling as she stood to hand a pile to Amber.
"Yes sweetheart, I did it last week when you asked. We've got the tavern all to ourselves." The librarians smile was sweet like syrup from the trees of sumeru, as she held either side of her girlfriends flushed cheeks. Jean managed a soft smile back, leaning into the touch before she realised their young outrider was still standing near the door of Jean's office, looking like a deer in headlights.
She jumped as their attention shifted to her, "Of course acting grand master! I'll get these done right away!" She did a clumsy salute before running out the door like there was a hillichurl at her heels.
"My, my, I didn't mean to embarrass poor Amber." Somehow Jean didn't think Lisa was all that sorry, her golden hair swayed in its ponytail as she turned back to her partner, badly hiding the smile that ghosts her lips. She didn't make a habit of teasing the young knights but something about Lisa brought out that side of her, if only a little.
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It was a shock when Amber hand delivered a letter, at 9 am, on his day off. His head was still pounding from last night's hangover he almost forgot to pick up his eyepatch from his nightstand on the way to the door.
She had told him it was from Jean before hurrying away a pile of identical looking letters under her arm, at least that meant he wasn't getting in trouble. Probably.
Kaeya left the unopened letter on the coffee table that was cluttered with old wine glasses and take out containers, he'd been meaning to clean them up, honest. But between work and the bar he doesn't have time for much else these days. He knows it's not healthy but it's either drown himself in his work and a bottle or think about the state of things. He'd always go for the former.
He stumbled for his cabinets reaching to see if there was anything to chase away this headache before he even attempted to read whatever Jean wanted, Amber hadn't looked like it was an emergency anyway. There wasn't much, mostly leftovers with varying levels of 'safe to eat', he picked up a third of a sticky honey roast Rosaria had left about a week ago but it smelt fine so it was good enough for him. His couch was thin and concave in the middle from the amount of times he'd crashed on it one to many times after a long fight, usually when he didn't want to go to Barbra for an injury he could heal on his own but It did it's job.
By the time he ate, he figured he was OK to read the letter without his skull splitting in half but nothing could prepare him for what was written on the piece of paper. OK, he was being dramatic. He kinda had a gut feeling as soon as Amber handed it to him with a smile but he just didn't want to think about it. Diluc’s birthday was a few days away and Jean had always done something to celebrate since they were kids.
Twenty-three.
He didn't want to think about his not-brother. He didn't want to think about how when they were kids diluc would brag for 7 months straight that he was the older of the two, untill they got to November and shared an age again. He didn't want to think about the hand-made gifts Adeline would help him make in time to give to Diluc. How the red head would smile bright enough to light a cave, no matter how shitty the bracelets made of sea shells and shiny rocks looked, they were from kaeya so they were priceless.
Because those were the memories of brothers and Diluc’s made it very clear that's not what they are anymore.
The invite is simple enough, explaining that Diluc’s birthday is coming up, that they're celebrating at Angels share, they have the place booked out. Jean has covered the planning and guest list, while venti has been in charge of drinks and food and also the music. That explains why he was invited, atleast , Jean always liked to pretend nothing is wrong or trys to get the two to talk. Honestly, it pisses kaeya off. She's a hypocrite, when was the last time her and Barbra had a meaningful conversation, that wasn't church or knights related? He loves and respects her as a boss and commanding officer but as his friend she needs to back off.
It was Diluc’s birthday and Kaeya knew he wasn't wanted there. He refused to ruin Diluc’s day.
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Days passed and the party was tomorrow, all he could think about was the invite shoved carelessly into the pile of bills on his counter top. He knows he should just let it pass, move on and forget but its harder said than done. He doesn't get to miss Diluc, not when he did this to them.
He shoveled more dirty hay into the wheelbarrow, the stables nearly clean. Sometimes kaeya would give this job to the younger recruits or as a disciplinary but they were never as thorough and to be honest he found it strangely comforting. It was the good kind of mindless labour and he enjoyed spending time with the horses. They were Cavalry, trained war horses, not typically affectionate but Kaeya still found them easier to get along with than the other knights.
They never had high expectations, their needs were simple. After replacing the hay and scrubbing down the bild up of grime on the gate, keaya saddled one of the horses he knew hadn't been out to stretch their legs in a few days taking the beautiful hanoverian down starfell valley, riding close to the water. The city looked beautiful from here, the city he'd grown to love almost like it was his own, almost like he belonged amongst the tall windmills and white stone.
He stopped infront the statue of Barbatos, he couldn't help but linger. Such a complicated mix of emotions filled his chest at the sight of the god, he'd been avoiding venti for months now, ever since he put two and two together. He hates the gods, he really dose but the man had looked him in his eye with recognition, he knew Kaeya’s big secret yet all he did was mutter something about freedom. Before that he had drank with the man, laughed. The gods were cruel and hypocritical, they were manipulative and not be trusted. The horse below him huffed, sensing his change in mood, he stroked his hand down its mane in a comfort, pulling back onto the main path towards the stables.
It was sunset as he got back, uncliping the rains and saddle off the light brown horse as it chuffed in thanks, nudging his arm with its nose in affection. It made kaeya smile and move his hand to stroke between the beasts ears. He let out a rather dramatic sigh, the horses large eyes looked at him in question.
"What am I going to do? Do you think I should go?" He asked the horse but its eyes were closed as the Cavalry captain continued to scratch between its ears.
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He didn't want to go home tonight but worse would be seeing Diluc, on nights like these the guilt gets to much, any snarky comment is lost on his tongue and all he can do is stare. Gods did he need a drink, though. Guess he just had to hope Charles was working the bar tonight, knowing Charles (and he did know Charles, he knew all of the tavern and house staff like family and he missed them almost as much a he missed Diluc) he would have insisted his master Diluc took the night before his birthday off.
So he drank, he drank untill Charles asked him gently to go home.
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He did morning patrols on autopilot, ignoring the worried glance from the squire tailing him on patrol. He was fine. He was heavy on his feet and he still couldn't quite find his balance but he was fine, the incoming migraine hadn't settled in yet. He could do a simple patrol.
He avoided the other captains, traverler was visiting so everyone had come out of the wood work, even Albedo. Most of them were going to Diluc’s birthday (as much as he claimed to hate the knights he was friendly with most of them, outside of working hours atleast). He avoided Eula's concerned gaze as he handed in his report for the day. Went the long way home when he saw Hertha standing by the fountain. Found cover (he wasn't hiding, he was above that) when he heard Amber loudly talking talking to Diona. He didn't want to talk to anyone, he just wanted the day to be over. Wanted to sleep of this exhaustion in his bones.
He wanted his older brother.
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Kaeya doesn't really know how he ended up here, sitting on the back steps of the angles share, staring numbly at the spare barrels across from him. There was laughing and music and people talking over one another from inside the tavern, all the noise together sounding like a constant hum.
'Diluc doesn’t even like noise' the blue haired man found himself thinking bitterly. He had ment to stay home, really he had but he didn't have anything to drink in the house and needed to find something, anything. But it was late enough the shops were closed and the tavern was off limits for obvious reasons, so that left him dry. He tuned out the laughter of his friends and colleagues, trying his best not to feel bitter. He had been invited after all, he chose not to go. He didn't want to bring down the mood of the party or Celestia forbid start yet another fight with Diluc.
So why couldn't he bring himself to just stay home?
It was a cold night, the air was crisp in an almost uncomfortable way. Now, Kaeya’s no stranger to the cold but tonight it sank into his bones, he felt it like sand paper on his joints.
The cold, He was always cold.
He doesn't know when he started crying, maybe he had been the whole time, maybe these drops were the first (of many) but the little droplets of water froze as they hit his exposed wrist, they formed like snow flakes, intricate lines and patterns. They looked like his vision. He hated them.
His emotions felt suffocating, the silent tears turning in so small sobbs. He wanted to throw up, he wanted to scream and cry untill the sun appeared behind the church. He wanted his dad, Crepus' understanding smiles and gental hugs.
"I miss you," he mumbled between too shallow breathes. "Please, I hate being alone..."
He knew no one heard him, maybe that's what gave him the courage to finally say it. That he missed them more than anything, his dad... and his brother.
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He was flattered by the amount of people who had shown up to celebrate him, don't get him wrong, he was. But the party was loud and at this point most people were tipsy, drunk people always got his nerves. Maybe he should reconsider his career path. Just as that thought crossed his mind a flushed looking Sucrose bumped into him, spilling ale down his coat.
"M-master Diluc, I'm so sorry!" She tried to rub the coat with her glove.
"It's fine, Sucrose." He tried to reassure the mumbling girl infront of him. " I'm gonna go for some air, it's OK. I promise." She seemed to nood and let Diluc walk away over to the small balcony on the top floor. He grabbed a cigarette of Rosaria on the way past, he didn't often smoke but what the hell, it's his birthday and he needed the excuse to step out.
The air was a sharp kind of cold on his skin, the world outside the tavern was quite, still. It was peaceful.
Then he notice it. A soft shuffling noise from below, it almost sounded like crying. He looked down over the balcony, only to see a head of familiar blue hair. He felt his throat dry up and his stomach clench, why was kaeya here?
He took a second look, kaeya really was crying. He was curled up on the steps of the back entrance, one hand in his hair the other over his knees, he looked rigid... he looked miserable. It made Diluc nauseous. He shouldn't care, he wasn't responsible for his idiot brothers emotions anymore.
Did he just think of kaeya as his brother again?
He was so court up in the realisation he still saw kaeya as a brother, he almost missed the whispered words of his lost little brother.
"I miss you. Please, I hate being alone."
The whispered words felt like poison in his veins.
"I miss you too."
Never let it be said that Diluc Ragnvindr wasn't a cowered because he ran.
He ran before he knew if kaeya heard what he had said. He ran through his friends, not telling them where he was going. He ran from everything, all the way home.
But he couldn't forget that thought, playing on loop.
He missed his little brother.