Work Text:
Okay the title is misleading, he doesn't actually mean unicorns. He just means War Horses that he keeps "rescuing."
And putting horns on their heads, don't worry he's not super gluing them to their heads. He uses old straps and attachs the horn that Ken made out of scrap metal to it.
Then boom unicorn.
Kidd and Harding thinks he has a problem, because Thorpe Abbots lawn are full of "unicorns."
At least the grass isn't long.
Anyway because Bucky has the attention span of pea, and forgets everything.
He wrote his steps down for himself.
So lets go through it.
Step one:
Locate where the company is having a drink.
Step two:
Pick your "Unicorn," I go for the funky colored ones, today I've picked out one who's name is Stevie. He's this beautiful white one, like pure white. He's perfect.
Step three:
Find the owner, act your ass off in this step, more dramatic means you'll find the owner faster.
Step four:
Buy said owner beers, get him as drunk as possible, without giving him alcohol poisoning.
Step five:
Sweet talk this motherfuckers ass off, but don't bring up this horse, be patient, wait till your moment.
Step six:
The moment has come, ask how much for the horse outside, and if he's drunk enough he'll just give it to you. That's why you have to wait for the moment, don't suck his dick. That's a bad idea, that's how you get crabs. Just ask Blakely.
Step seven:
Very important, have him sign a piece of paper that says he relinquishes the horse to Major John Clarence Egan for medical reasons.
Additionally: This step is very important, you need to print out the paper from Smokeys printer, and make sure he signs it, just don't have him read it, just tell him that Blakely got Chlamydia, he'll believe it because Blakely had crabs.
Step eight:
Ride the horse back to Thorpe Abbotts, even if you can't ride a horse, which I can't but I'm learning. The guard will judge, but ignore him, his wife is getting balls deep with someone else.
Step nine:
Hide it from Buck, this is just for me. Because Buck thinks I have a problem. I don't have a problem.
Step ten:
After twenty four hours exactly, put it with the other ones nobody will notice any differently.
Step eleven:
Don't worry about the owner coming back for it, because the commanding officer probably ripped him a new one. It's not my fault their stupid idiots, with the IQ of my left boot.
Step twelve:
Discreetly request a horn from Ken, who will judge you silently, ignore him I don't have a problem.
Step thirteen:
Put said horn on the horse aka Stevie in this case.
Step fourteen:
Marvel your work, because how the hell have I managed to do this twenty times already?
Step fifteen:
Lie to Harding and Kidd, tell them there's not twenty one out there, that their just seeing things.
Step sixteen:
Introduce the new addition to Buck, he'll pretend to hate it. But he secretly loves it, like he loves me, Marge? Marge who?
Step seventeen:
Make money from your big idea, it's not an addiction Buck.
Step eighteen:
Make one your mode of transportation, bikes no? Unicorn yes!
Step nineteen:
Race a B-17, nothing is more awesome than that, don't listen to Kidd.
Step Twenty:
Repeat steps one through nineteen.
Update: So we have baby unicorns now, turns out five of my unicorns were girls including Stevie, I didn't see that plot twist coming. Who knew? Sorry Kidd.