Chapter Text
Maybe he’s dreaming. That floating feeling has always seemed to linger despite him trying to purge the thoughts away. I’m real. I’m in control. I’m safe. Hiding his powers wasn't easy. Lightning isn’t something you can just easily tame, especially when he woke up one day and accidentally caused a blackout in the neighborhood. Cole said it’s usually passed down from their parents, but he doesn’t remember his. His friends (or so they say) said he has amnesia— which he believes since he’s been navigating through a thick fog for as long as he can remember.
It’s been a few weeks since he moved back into the Monastery with the others and things have been nice, he thinks. He can’t help but feel guilt for not wanting to hug the girl who told him that they were dating. He’s never been good with touch (he thinks). There’s a notebook sitting at his desk that he writes in every night to keep track of the others because he wants to remember every single detail since he forgot all of the important ones from their pasts. All of the significant sweet memories are gone. Zane said it is possible for him to remember again someday and not feel discouraged if it's a slow process. One thing Jay Walker is not is patient. So every night he is writing until his hands are covered in ink stains and are violently cramping. He will not forget this time. He refuses.
Cole Brookstone
— Earth ninja
— best friend?
— loves cake
Nya Smith
— water ninja
— GIRLFRIEND!!!
— Kai’s little sister
— don’t call her hot
Kai Smith
— fire ninja
— don’t make fun of his hair
— possible grudge against me?
Zane Julien
— Ice ninja
— nindroid
— somehow he is a really good cook?
— super super old and was an emperor once???
Lloyd Garmadon
— green ninja (is green even an element?)
— dads Lord Garmadon (I don’t know who that is. Will do research soon…)
— part Oni
— loves candy
— likes the same comics as me
Three children are living with them as well but they’re usually gone during the day. Arin, Sora, and Wyldfyre. Sometimes they overwhelm him, but mostly he has fun. Kai yelling at Wyldfyre never gets old. Jay often wonders what his childhood was like. Hopefully, it was like this, but he can tell they carry burdens and trauma. The only thing to do is hope for a better future. They deserve it after all.
Everyone shows him pictures and retells stories of their past adventures. The three children are always engrossed but to Jay, it feels like a fairytale. Like seriously, a game show host? Stuck in a video game? Maybe this is a trap? But it's been over a month and he doubts an enemy would be this committed. The others have proven that they do care for him, but he cannot purge his anxieties and will sleep with his door locked and a weapon under his pillow. It helps his anxiety tenfold. He just hopes the others don’t find out about his little routine every night. They’ve all been super supportive and patient. It’s not that he doesn’t trust them, it's just that he hates the feeling of being unsafe. Doesn’t everyone? Sure, he could use his lightning but that’s still unstable at the moment. The last thing he wants is to become a murderer. Maybe with training, the buzzing in his head and the tingling in his hands will go away. It’s like a demanding force yearning to be unleashed. There are parts of himself that he resents; the fear and anger may last forever, or until he learns to gain control (if that ever does come).
He likes training with Lloyd. It feels familiar— well as familiar as he can feel as someone with amnesia. But he does admit that he feels a sense of Deja vu. He’s been here before. There are no memories tied to the place, but it's a start. Zane says it's progress but he doesn’t believe him. Still, he puts on a smile because the others have hope and maybe that’s good enough for now.
“Jay, do you want to play with us?” Kai said from the couch. Zane, Cole, and Lloyd were sitting in the living room while a shooting game was connected to the TV. Kai and Cole sat on the couch while Lloyd sat on the floor by Kai’s legs and Zane sat in one of the chairs to the far left of the room. There were snacks on the coffee table, which was a sign that they’d been here for a while. “You can take Zane’s controller for a round. This was one of your favorite games…” Jay tried to ignore the sad bitterness in the other boy's tone when he muttered the last sentence.
Jay blinked at the screen. I used to play in my office. This should be a breeze. “Sure, why not?” He grabbed Zane’s remote and sat down near the nindroids legs.
“Do you want us to explain how to play?”
“It’s a shooting game, Kai, how hard can it be?”
Kai sighed as he started up a new match. “Fine. Just don’t complain when you instantly die because you don’t know how to heal or get shields or know what weapons are even good.”
“I think Jay will do just fine,” Cole said, trying to defend his best friend. He looked over to Jay and gave a reassuring smile.
“Yeah, I’m sure there’s some muscle memory,” Lloyd added. “I could never beat you no matter what game we played.”
“Well Jay did spend hours in his room playing when he didn’t have to train,” Kai said. “I’m just surprised Nya didn’t throw a fit.”
They were in the game now and Jay tried to stay with the group since they were a team, but he knew where he wanted to go. Played this game before the merge and after. Maybe it is muscle memory?
“I don’t think I would ignore Nya,” Jay said, his eyes not leaving the large screen in front of him. “If she called for me right now, I’d drop this controller and run right to her with no hesitation. Don’t even worry about it, Kai.”
There was a smirk on his face. He wasn’t looking at Kai but he didn’t have to, to know that the boy's face was red and flustered. Cole’s and Lloyd’s chuckles also didn’t help the situation.
“Keep it up Jay, or else I'll hit you so hard, your memories will come back.”
“I do not think that is wise, Kai,” Zane said, clearly not understanding the joke, “hitting Jay on the head would only increase the risk of concussion and brain damage.”
A groan echoed in the room and Jay couldn’t help but chuckle. He liked it like this and hoped that his life before the merge was just like this. All of those missing years went down the drain. At least he can create new memories.
When Jay ended up carrying the team to victory, he had to duck to avoid the empty can of soda thrown in his direction. It wasn’t aimed at him, but damn did he feel targeted for a split second.
“Is it now a crime to carry my team to victory?”
“Why are you still good?” Kai cried out. “I thought that since you got amnesia I'll finally be the better one and carry! It’s not fair!”
“Muscle memory just like Lloyd said,” Jay said plainly.
Zane raised an eyebrow. “As I was watching, I was observing Jay’s screen and I believe that he either has played before or remembers.”
Suddenly all eyes were on him. Everyone was spaced far apart from him, yet he felt claustrophobic. He knows what they want to hear and what is one more lie? “Never played, but it feels familiar I guess?”
Lloyd's smile was worth it. He’ll remember eventually. So what if they believe he remembers his favorite video game before he remembers his closest friends? Am I a horrible person?
That night he made a new section in his journal.
Jay Walker
— Lightning ninja
— really good at video games (be consistent)
Jay realizes that it’s hard to relearn everything about others, but even harder to relearn everything about himself. He knows he’s not the same Jay as before, and he can tell the others know that too. All he has been doing is changing for the past year. Is it really change if he doesn’t even know who he is? How much change can one person go through before they are a whole different person? He looks the same at least.
The administration tried to make him a cruel savage monster, but somehow he knew that what he was doing was wrong. After the merge, there are a few missing years that Jay cannot recall. All he knows is the administration. Everyone thinks the administration has something to do with his amnesia. Or maybe he just fell and hit his head on a rock. Nothing cool or important.
Nightmares are the one thing consistent in his life. Frequently he dreams of pirates and a floating ship. A floating man and a wedding. A giant spider and a ghost. It’s the most vivid dream he gets and he swears that he’s there in the ship in the sky.
He develops a new fear of sleeping, which is silly because he’s an adult and shouldn’t be afraid of some dumb nightmare. But it plagues his mind and he wakes up haunted by the vivid sensation of being tossed around and he can’t wake up even when the punches feel real. He’s paralyzed most nights, but it's getting better. When he was alone, he dreamed of it almost every night. Now, it only occurs once a week maybe.
Feeling like he was going crazy, he asked Cole one night if they ever went on a mission that took place on a giant floating pirate ship. They were sitting at the kitchen table late at night, and in a rare surge of vulnerability, Jay decided to bite the bullet and ask Cole. His “craziness” was confirmed that night when the Earth ninja denied any pirates.
“Man, that would be awesome,” Cole said.
“Yeah, maybe I decided to be a pirate before the administration.”
Deep down he believes that the dreams mean so much more. It left him uneasy because there was still so much about his life that he needed to learn about, but he could not decipher what was real and what’s fake.
Big crowds always bothered him, and even if pre-merge Jay liked them, he decided that he would never willingly go into crowds again. Lost in Ninjago, in a city he was no longer familiar with left a ball in his throat, his hands were clenched, ready just in case someone tried anything like drag him into an alley or start a fight.
He lost everyone in the blink of an eye. One moment they were standing outside a store, then the next, a huge crowd came along and they were gone. There was little to no room to even breathe on the streets of downtown Ninjago and they wanted to go shopping on a Saturday afternoon! Jay couldn’t even hear his thoughts—which might’ve been a good thing considering his mind was racing and that buzzing feeling was coming back. He picked up his pace and forced himself through the people. Crying babies, loud conversations, perfumes, food, and engines. Hot pricks scattered along his back and chest. His lungs were burning and he just needed to find any sort of opening for some fresh air.
A warm hand wiggled its way into his and dragged him through the crowd into a quiet ramen restaurant. Nya. Jay was the shortest one out of everyone, so it was expected that he’d get lost but he didn’t expect to be found so fast. He’d assumed the only way to find the others was for him to escape to a quiet clearing and text one of them, but everyone was in the shop waiting for him.
Warmth filled his chest. It’s foreign and something that he hasn’t felt until he returned to Ninjago. It feels good to be found.
Following the others into a large curved booth in the far back corner. Jay made sure to be seated at the end. Everyone was here and the once quiet ramen place was now buzzing with conversation from multiple parts of the booth and Wyldfyre who still struggled to use her inside voice. Kai said she was raised by dragons. Jay thought it was a joke, but finding out that it was true was not a shocker.
Loud laughter brought Jay out of his mini trance due to Cole telling a story to the three younger kids. “Remember when we tied Lloyd to a pole?” Cole said, nearly choking on his water. Kai joined in and nearly spilled his drink while Lloyd grew red in the face.
Oh great! Another thing I don’t remember and probably never will…
Jay takes in a deep breath to try to ignore his thoughts. Sometimes he hates when everyone becomes nostalgic. He knows they haven’t seen each other in years, and when they tell stories he feels so out of place like he’s a third wheel even if he’s in a bunch of the stories. That’s not him. That’s their Jay. What if I'll never be that Jay again?
“Look, I don’t mind serving you guys, but please keep it down,” a red-headed girl grumbled.
“Awe come on, Skylor,” Kai lovingly dragged his voice out. “Are we not your favorite customers?”
Skylor rolled her eyes. “Not even close, but I don’t hate you enough to refuse service because I know the tip will be good.”
“You know it!” Kai said with a wink.
Even Jay can cringe at Kai’s horrible attempt at flirting. He can sense the whole table is too, especially Wyldfyre who is holding back an eruption of laughter behind her hands.
“I’m assuming it's gonna be the usual for you guys?” Skylor’s eyes motioned to him and the other ninja sitting to his right and across from him. Only Arin, Sora, and Wyldfyre had menus open. Jay barely had a chance to skim through his, but he nodded regardless. The three younger children have clearly been here before and were quick to order. Skylor put in the orders and soon left.
Jay leaned over to Nya who sat next to him and whispered, “What’s my usual again?”
“Miso,” Nya answered. “You love it, Jay! It’s your favorite.”
If Jay wasn’t at the very edge of the booth, he was positive he would’ve melted. His cheeks grew hot and he prayed that no one could see his cheeks grow a bright shade of red. Sure, the old Jay liked miso soup, but he knows that he hates it. He got super sick from it once and now every time he eats it, he gets nauseous.
Zane and Pixal were here but they didn’t have a plate for obvious reasons. Jay almost wished he was a nindroid so he wouldn’t have to eat.
“Yum,” was all Jay could muster out.
Sinking into his seat, he zoned out the conversations happening around him and waited for the impending doom that might cause certain death; certain death being nauseous and throwing up.
And that’s exactly what happened. Locked in the bathroom, death gripping the toilet and praying to either heal instantly or FSM to take him out then and there. He only had a third of the bowl, yet he was dying. Everyone said he has always been dramatic and maybe that’s one of the few traits he didn’t lose from the amnesia.
Everyone wanted to go see a movie after eating, but Jay was super adamant about going back home. Going alone was the bravest thing he could’ve done due to the fact he got turned around 3 times, but eventually, he made it back.
The others should be back soon, which he dreaded. With shaky legs, he attempted to lift himself up but quickly plummeted back down. The sound of feet echoed in the halls. Shit. Jay was most vulnerable and needed to find a way out immediately.
Oh FSM what if they poisoned me? They’re gonna send me back to the administration. Ras is gonna hurt me!
Gentle strokes through his sweaty hair brought him out of his panic attack that he didn’t even realize he was having. Slowly, he opened his eyes, revealing a worried Nya. Somehow his head was lying in her lap.
“Hey, you’re okay,” Nya cooed.
There was another figure behind her. Cole stood there holding a damp washcloth and all Jay could register was how tall he really was.
“Yes, Jay,” Cole sighed as he kneeled. “I am aware I am very tall.”
Did I say that out loud?
“You’re saying everything out loud, bud,” a third voice said.
“How many people fit in this bathroom?” Jay mumbled into Nya’s lap. He didn’t bother raising his head or even moving his body an inch, but he could tell Kai somehow made his way into the bathroom.
“Well uh,” Nya let out an awkward giggle before looking up. “Lloyd’s here too and Zane’s standing in the doorway, so we are at five and a half.”
Zane would’ve gone flying if he wasn’t made of pure metal. Wyldfyre, Arin, and Sora attempted to bolt through the door but were quickly humbled by the nindroid in the doorway. A chorus of “oofs” and “ouches” were heard from the hallway
“Is he alright?” A young boy's voice asked.
“Can I have his room if he dies?” Wyldfyre asked. She was jumping up and down trying to get a peek inside. Luckily, Zane made a good bodyguard.
“Alright, that’s it,” Kai groaned. “You three need to leave and give Jay some space!”
Footsteps dragged out in the hall as Kai shooed them out. “This should be Lloyd’s job and yet again I have to play the babysitter!” Kai’s voice slowly died out as he made his way farther down the hall. This warranted Lloyd to follow the fire ninja. Zane shortly followed.
The bathroom was now down three people and soon the suffocating feeling will go away. Now if Jay could sit up, things would be ten times better. Unfortunately, he is still pinned to Nya’s lap, unable to move.
Nya shifted her legs and gently placed Jay’s head down. “Alright, let's get you to bed.” There was another pair of hands that wrapped around his chest and legs. They were warm so they had to be Cole’s. Suddenly, Jay was lifted high into the air and gently carried down the hall and back into his bed.
“You’re lucky you weigh close to nothing,” Cole joked. “Don’t you have super strength or something?”
“Yeah, but I still like complaining.”
Nya pulled down Jay’s navy blue covers so Cole could place the ill boy down. Being tucked in made him uncomfortable and he didn’t know why. Maybe it was the vulnerability of it all. He can’t help but feel like he’s stuck in a house full of strangers despite knowing most of them since he was 15.
“I’m sorry you’re feeling shitty, man,” Cole said while handing Jay a water bottle. “It was pretty hot out and the crowd was kinda a lot. Sorry, we didn’t notice if you were feeling sick today.”
Jay struggled to come up with a lie. He felt fine today— maybe a little anxious but definitely not sick. “It’s okay,” was all Jay could come up with.
Cole squeezed the boy's shoulder, “Well feel better soon. We are training Lloyd’s students and maybe you can teach them something if you’re feeling up to it. Love ya, man.”
Jay watched Cole leave the room and an ache in his chest started to grow tenfold. Everyone knows that Jay doesn’t like using his lightning, but they still include him since his combat is definitely up to par.
“I know I haven’t seen you in a few years, but I can still read you like a book, Jay Walker,” Nya said. “You weren’t sick until after we got food.”
“Food poisoning?” Jay croaked out.
“You do the same thing when it comes to certain vegetables and sauces. You’re super sensitive to them because they’ve made you super sick before…”
Jay wasn’t following but that might be from the intense cramps and headache.
“Ugh!” Nya cried out. “Jay, I’m so sorry! I should’ve asked if you wanted something different.”
“I mean how could you have possibly known that miso soup is my biggest enemy?”
Nya’s worry quickly turned into a smile, which made Jay smile.
“Still. I’m sorry, Jay,” her voice was soft and gentle again. “I keep forgetting that it's been years since we’ve all been together and now everything is totally different.”
Different?
The only thing that feels different to Jay, is himself. Everyone seems so happy like no time has passed, but to Jay, it's like he was born yesterday and thrown into a family and expected to know his place.
Jay’s expression flattened and his eyes revealed no emotion. Nya stared back into his blue eyes and sighed. “Different isn’t a bad thing, Jay. I love you and I’m willing to make the time for you even if you don’t ever get your memories back. I'll still be here no matter what. We all will.”
Her warm hand wiggled its way into Jay’s but this time he didn’t feel warmth and safety, instead he felt like he was floating. Touch overwhelmed him sometimes, yet he craved it. How is that possible? He couldn’t squeeze back or return the warmth.
“I feel like a stranger s’mtimes,” Jay’s voice was slurred and scratchy.
Nya pushed back the sweaty locks that were gathered at the boy's forehead. A fever was definitely forming. “You’re not a stranger, Jay. You’re my…” Nya forced her mouth to shut. “You’re my friend.” Jay ignored her anxious swallow and the faint quiver in her voice. He knows he will never be able to love her how she wants him to or how he used to. He’s a different person. A stranger.
“But m’not the same Jay you guys knew. Agent Walker is me and what if that’s all I'll ever be?”
“What do you mean, Jay?” Jay swallowed and blinked back a few tears. “What if I never remember and you guys won't ever get your Jay back? Everyone’s so nice to me and patient, and I feel guilty.”
“And that’s okay,” Nya reassured. “If you never get your memories back, we will always make new ones and we will find new things to love about you.” Tears formed in the corner of her eyes, yet a smile was plastered to her face.
There was a deep understanding that Jay was far from mentally stable, especially with dealing with the knowledge that he had a whole life that he had no recollection of, so obviously the other ninja had to give extra love to the boy. Maybe they overdid it? But after hearing Jay finally being vulnerable, it relieved Nya in some strange way. He tended to keep his mouth shut, which was the exact opposite of how he was pre-merge. No one knew what was going on in the boy's head, but they all could assume it wasn’t great.
Soft snores came from Nya’s left. Jay fell asleep, his hand not leaving hers. It’s like no time has passed and Jay was still Jay and they were planning their future together like they once did. With a sigh, she slowly pulled her hand away from the sleeping boy and snuck out of the room.
“Sweet dreams, Jay.”
It seems like sometimes Nya can never catch a break, especially when it comes down to the ones she loves.
Softly, she closes the door and heads to the living room where faint laughter can be heard. At least everyone is safe and happy and maybe that’s all she can ask for.