Chapter Text
She'd gone to the Third Rail to get drunk, as wasted as she could get, hoping it would help drain some of her anxiety. Before the war she'd been able to handle the attacks that came and went as the weather. For some time she'd even seen a therapist, talking about anything that was painful and everything that wasn't, but there were barely any decent doctors in the wasteland much less doctors of psychology. Everyone had adapted, she supposed. Everyone felt it, it was just how things were.
But for her, maybe because she didn't have the commonwealth childhood, everything was a trigger. Everything was a bullet in her brain or a stab in her heart. Everything gave her the all too familiar cold sweat, shaky shallow breaths and ants crawling under her skin threatening to burst out and devour her. She felt like running, sitting by the bar in one of the few communities that still held on to humanity where she was safe. She downed another whiskey and extended her glass to the robot who poured her another. She felt like running far and wide to a place that felt like home. Where things weren't broken or in ruins, where people didn't sleep in the decay of a lost world that now only existed in defiled remnants of the city and in her memories. She was a woman out of time and it made her ache for home, for a past that was so long gone that no one could even imagine it. She could barely imagine it anymore and it started a cold fire at her core.
Another shot of whiskey seeped down her throat and into her system. Another extended arm and another whirr as the robot filled up her glass. The glass was broken, cracked at the rim. She resisted the urge to throw it at the wall, to scream in anger. Everything was so fucking broken. The buildings, the furniture, the clothes, the fucking roads, the fucking people. There wasn't a single untainted thing left in the whole world, everything was filthy and disgusting and it was trying to eat its way into her too. She felt it with every breath, every disgusting action performed to survive, in the water she drank.
She placed her face in her hands, arms steady on the counter, and tried to block out the world. Little by little she remembered the face of her mother. Soft and caring, smiling as they had their typical sunday dinner. The voice of her father, deep and bellowing, telling stories that she used to find boring and unbelivable but stories she would now kill to hear. She began to remember going to college, the friends in her class and the frustration of exams. The relief and joy as she recieved her diploma. She remembered her wedding, kissing Nate infront of their gathered family, the first dance with her father. She remembered their honeymoon, soft kisses and soft touches as they truly became one and she remembered the moonlight seeping through the blinds when her contractions began and they rushed to the hospital to deliver Shaun. Shaun.
Tears were dripping down her cheeks onto the counter and she made no effort to hide it. Why did she have to live if they all had to die? What sense did it make to wake up after 200 years if her family was gone, her friends and neighbors and... They were just bones by now. And bones she had seen plenty, each skeleton sucking the air out of her lungs. Had she known them? She had visited familiar places and seen the bones resting in full display. Was the skeleton behind the counter the same person she'd purchased groceries from? Was the skeleton in the diner the chef that made burgers for her and Nate when they had their first date there? Had her parents become dusty bones as well? She fought the urge to vomit.
To survive in the vault, to live out the rest of her life underground with Nate and Shaun would've been... agreeable. Her friends and family would die all the same but she wouldn't have to be alone, so fucking alone, and she wouldn't have to see the world in shambles. Fucking vault-tec. Using them as guineapigs, forcing her to suffer. For a split-second she saw Nates face in the cryochamber, holding their child in his arms. She slammed her fist on the counter and the patron next to her jumped. Magnolia stopped her singing for a second before returning to the music and the robot took the glass away from her.
"I'm not done with that." she said.
"You're done here." he replied sternly, warning her to not start a fight.
She sighed out of frustration. She wasn't nearly drunk enough to survive the night and now she was cut-off.
"What if I say please?" she spoke through her teeth. Although she was aware that her hostile stance would get her nowhere the alcohol had numbed her ability to give a fuck. Throw me out, I fucking dare you, she thought.
"What seems to be the problem?" she heard behind her.
Of-fucking-course. Of course the 'good mayor' were there to step in and set things right. Of course the man with the broken face and burnt skin that reminded her of the death of the world was there to save the day. Of course the man with the black eyes that told her that he felt the same pain she did was there to bail her out or do her in.
"No problem here, Hancock. The lady was just leavin'." the robot told him. Well shit, she thought. She slid off the stool and turned to face the ghoul.
"No problem at all," she said and with a light bow she added "sir."
"Such manners." he teased. "Why don't I take you home, safe and sound?"
She wanted to laugh. Take me home? Better get walking then. "I'm fine." she said instead.
Her steps felt unsteady and the room began to spin as the alcohol flowed through her legs. She almost fell over but managed to hold herself up, or so she thought when she noticed the scarred fingers gripping her shoulders.
"I said I'm fine. I can take care of myself."
"Indulge me." he prompted. "Where are you sleeping?"
"On the streets like everyone else." There was a plea in her voice and she hated how weak she suddenly sounded. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. Nowhere was safe and she wanted to scream again. Tears formed at her eyes again and a drop escaped before she angrily wiped them dry. She felt his eyes burn a hole through her skin and she begun to walk away.
"For a woman in your condition, that's not a wise thing to do." he told her. "And I know a smart woman when I see one."
"You don't know shit." she hissed under her breath.
He laughed and she wanted to claw his eyes out. Those black eyes that seemed to see right through her, see through any wall she tried to erect between herself and the wasteland.
"Come with me." he said and wrapped his arm around her shoulder to lead her out. A part of her wanted to protest, to tell him to fuck off and take his goddamn wasteland hands off of her but a stronger part wanted to be lead away. She wanted to give up all control and just let go and if it happened in the arms of a stranger with half a face, so be it.
He lead her outside and the cold air hit her like a brick. He asked her a question but she didn't listen, his voice becoming static in the air. The stars above her were gleaming and bright and she thought that even the sky was different, more beautiful than before, but different and unfamiliar all the same. Nate would've loved this. A rush of tiredness hit her like a tidal wave and she slumped to her knees taking Hancock with her. She was in the state of being too drunk to keep her defences up and not drunk enough to not need any and as the ghoul knelt beside her she wrapped herself around him, her fingers grasping at his cloth to keep her grounded, to keep her from floating away. He let out a surprised "Oh!" when she began to sob into his chest, smearing his shirt with tears and snot. They were still for a moment and she let the worst of it out before he picked her up and carried her inside somewhere. She didn't want to think anymore, her thoughts only dancing between Nate on their wedding night and Nate when he was shot or thoughts of what life they could've had if vault-tec hadn't tricked them. If the war hadn't happened. The life she could've had, should've had, but wasn't allowed to have.
He placed her somewhere soft and warm and wrapped her up in a blanket before he left her and although she didn't want him there she also didn't want to be left with her thoughts. But her pride silenced her courage and she was quiet when he left her, leaving her to fall asleep with demons singing lullabies.