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"You warm enough, Mom?"
It's not as cold here as it was inland at Kaidan's family home, but there is a wind blowing across the water that does make it feel chilly. And there was a dusting of fresh snow last night.
"It took me some time to learn how to dress for the weather here...” He squints up at the sky, looking a bit skeptical. "For all of the weather you can experience within an hour sometimes. It's clear now, but you never know..."
I have to smile as his fussing over me. It's almost an echo of the conversation I overheard between Kaidan and John earlier, with him wanting to be sure John wore enough layers if he and I decided to take a walk. It looks like he did – wearing a turtleneck and wool sweater under his N7 leather jacket. The scarf Elena knitted for him is wrapped twice around his neck and pulled up a bit over his ears. Apparently he's no more fond of hats now than he ever was.
"I'm fine. You and Kaidan made sure of that. And his mother. Before we left there, Elena handed me that little duffle... supplies for a Canadian winter, she called it. It was too light to be brandy, but she'd put together some warm clothes for me. I guess she understands enough about life on starships to know I didn't have any.
"She would... I think Kaidan left nearly all of his civvies there when he shipped out. One of the first things he did when we visited the orchard the first time was rummage through his old closet. I'm not sure he even had a pair of jeans with him on the Normandy."
I laugh and look at my soldier son out of the corner of my eye. "And you did?"
"Damn right, I did! Two pairs of jeans! Had to bring along the essentials."
"I should have known. You'd wear jeans with your dress uniform tunic if you thought you could get away with it."
He snorts a laugh, his breath visible in the air between us. "It would be more comfortable. Maybe I should have tried that..."
"Elena looked at the uniform I was wearing and said I'd freeze to death in that thing. She thought her sweaters would be too small for me, but found a couple that were Kaidan's when he was a teenager. She thought those might help keep me warm. Along with some woolen socks and this set of knitted gloves and hat. She'd made those for her niece, but when she learned I'd be visiting, she decided to give them to me instead. She's a lovely woman, John. So thoughtful."
"Yeah. She's like that. I hadn't realized she'd made the hat for Isla. I'm sure she's already working on another set for her. But Isla is Canadian... and not lacking for something warm to wear. That one's a nice color. The slate blue looks good on you."
"I half-expected you and Kaidan to be wearing those outrageous sweaters you bought – that picture went right into the Christmas collection file on my omni-tool."
"Ahh, yes... those. Well, maybe not something we really wanted to be seen wearing in public, you know? But I knew you'd appreciate them."
He turns his head toward me and I catch his smile. "Your grandmother would have been proud of you... I think you have her sense of humor."
His ears turn a little redder over the top of the scarf. "It's not just my doing. Kaidan is the enabler for those sorts of things. He's incorrigible that way..."
I reach for his hand and give it a squeeze. It feels cold even through my gloves, but apparently gloves are on the same list as hats for him unless they're part of his armour set. "He's good for you then... but I already knew that." I drop his hand and we continue walking as I decide whether to continue that thought aloud.
"John, I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw you again. Oh, your letters were wonderful... you told me more about your life in those than I've ever known you to share. That meant so much to me. But after all that's happened to you – with the first Normandy... with Cerberus and then the Reapers... I don't know. I'm just so glad to find that you're still you. After London... I was so afraid. Steve Hackett told me that you'd been critically injured. Sometimes that changes a person."
He takes a few minutes to reply. "Yeah. It could have. Not just the injuries... all of it. But Kaidan wouldn't let that happen. He still saw me as the man he fell in love with... and how could I be any less than that?"
He touches the scar on his cheek, a seemingly unconscious gesture that he follows by flexing his left hand. "Well, I'm not really back to being all of that yet. But I'm working on getting back into shape and he's helping me with that too." He sighs, looking down at his leg. "God, what I'd really like is be able to go for a run with him. I miss running... a lot."
""You never did walk anywhere if you could run. But you've made a lot of progress. Give it time, sweetheart. If one of your crew had been seriously injured, would you expect them to be immediately back at their post at one hundred percent?"
"No, of course not. I'd want them to take whatever time they needed to heal up properly. You know Kaidan was almost killed on Mars?"
His voice goes very quiet and I'm not quite sure if he's talking to me or to himself. "I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost him then... I've lost people in my squad before. It was always rough. But Kaidan... yeah..."
Pulling his thoughts back to the present, he picks up the thread of our conversation. "He was in Huerta Memorial for weeks. I didn't want him to overdo it... either physically or with his biotics."
I didn't know the details of that, and certainly didn't realize how serious it was. "This was just before he was named a Spectre?"
"Yeah, Udina talked to him about it before he was even out of that hospital bed. The only good decision the man ever made. Of course he probably thought that would buy him Kaidan's unwavering support in the coup he was planning. Bad assumption on that one. Kaidan's loyalty can't be bought."
"But you have it. That says a lot. After all you've been through."
I can see him chewing his lower lip. "We got through it... found what we needed in each other, I guess."
I've touched on something too personal, I think. He won't say so, but I can tell that he's closing up. We continue for a few minutes in silence.
_____________________________________
It looks like it must be low tide. Our path takes us across coarse sand that had been recently under water. It's now dotted with shallow tidepools. John pauses beside one, peering down into it before stooping to pick up a small object. A shell, I think. He stands, slowly and with a wince of pain, wiping it dry on his jeans before handing it to me.
"It's a clam shell. They're fairly common here, but they're pretty with that purplish coloring. I've collected a few different ones... kind of a remembrance of a friend. This one is for you."
I take it from his cold fingers, which he immediately jams into his jacket pockets to try to warm them. As we start walking again, he's limping noticeably. He unfolds a light cane and seems to be struggling to use it effectively in the wet sand. I want to help.
"John, I know I'm not as strong as Kaidan but I could still lend you an arm or a hand."
"I'm fine, Mom."
I stop walking, watching as he takes a few more unsteady steps before stopping as well, turning to see where I'd gone. So many emotions are playing across his face – determination, pain, embarrassment. I close the few steps worth of distance between us before he can continue his protest.
"Hear me out, please. I know I haven't always been there when you needed me. And sometimes... even when I was there, I probably couldn't be what you needed."
That he keeps silence tells me I'm touching close to tender spots.
"But I think things have changed since then. You have. I know I have. Learning that your child has been killed... that he took his last breath alone, after helping his crewmates to safety. It changes a mother. Getting you back... that changed me again."
"Mom, it's okay... don't..."
I don't let him interrupt what I need to say. I've come a long way to say it.
"I know I haven't always been someone you could rely on. But I'm here today. You can lean on me. I won't fail you."
Offering him my arm, I try to make it seem like a small thing, a way to ease his steps through the wet sand, but knowing that it really isn't a small thing for either of us. He doesn't say anything, simply rests his arm on mine as I've seen him lean on Kaidan's arm. Not his whole weight, but enough to provide him some stability. He collapses the cane, nearly useless on the sand, and clips it back onto his belt.
And we take our first steps together.
_____________________________________
We pause for a rest on a bench near where the beach gives way to a partly wooded trail. He doesn't seem to be out of breath, but he stretches his leg out in front of him and is rubbing his thigh muscle and his knee.
"What a beautiful view of the bay!"
"Yeah. Kaidan and I found this place on our first trip to Vancouver. If you continue on that path, you'll come to the lighthouse... the one in Kaidan's sketch. Sometime we'll have to show it to you. But not today. I want Kaidan to be there then - it's a special place to him."
He seems to be about to say something more, but hesitates. Finally he rubs his leg and takes a deep breath.
"And to be honest... I wouldn't make it today. My leg is starting to act up. Partly the cold I guess... but I'm thinking about giving Kaidan a call to pick us up here. I wish I could get home on my own power, but maybe that's something I'm learning... that it's okay to accept help."
"Not an easy thing, I think... for either of us. We're rather alike in that way."
He turns his head toward me, rubbing at the back of his neck, waiting for me to continue.
"When Steve Hackett offered to send the Normandy to pick me up, a part of me wanted to refuse. I'd come that far with my ship and crew. We would limp home together. I didn't need any help. But another part of me longed to see you again... and I was so moved that Kaidan would go to that extent to try to give you that reunion for Christmas... so I agreed.
"I knew my XO and pilot would bring everyone else home safely... just not quite in time for Christmas. And they seemed to understand when I told them why I'd agreed to accept the lift home. It probably didn't hurt that the Normandy dropped off supplies of fresh food... including Christmas dinners. Even a few cases of beer."
"I'm glad you did. It was... it was completely unexpected. And it made Kaidan so happy. Sneaky bastard. But not surprising in a way. Family is so important to him."
"He loves you, sweetheart. And I think he is the best thing ever to happen to you. I've never seen you so happy. I look out over the bay here... and can hardly believe that my spacer child has chosen to make his home by the sea... on Earth. And that you're not alone anymore. I'm so glad to see that."
"Yeah. I never expected any of it. But it just feels right. Living in London felt okay... but temporary. When we got here, Kaidan broke into a huge smile and I knew we were home."
We sit in silence for a few minutes, watching the waves. "I don't know if you plan to rejoin the Normandy or not. Hackett said you hadn't decided. You don't have to, you know. You've done more than enough. Only do it if it make you as happy to be back out there as you are to be here."
"I've told him I'd like to take the Normandy through the Charon relay when that's ready to test. That's as far as I'm looking right now. I don't know..."
He hesitates – it seems to be a signal that he's about to cross into personal territory.
"You wondered if things had changed me. Maybe. Beyond the physical changes. I'm still coming to terms with being Commander Shepard. Right now, I'm just learning to be John."
"And that's all you ever need to be. The rest is just another layer."
"I guess. Kaidan says pretty much the same thing. It's just hard to change the way you see yourself. And the Normandy is tempting...to be still able to serve in some way."
"She's a beautiful ship... I'm glad I got to see something of what she could do. I walked the whole ship, peered in every room. I stood a long time by that Memorial wall. I didn't recognize most of the names. I've heard the name Williams... wasn't she honored by both the turians and salarians? And of course, Admiral Anderson."
It's like a cloud cast a shadow on his face. But the sky is still clear.
'Yeah... losing him hurt a lot. Still does."
"I saw that there was a place below his name... room for another plaque. If I needed a jolt to make everything more real, that was it. "
"Kaidan was supposed to place it. But he couldn't. He knew, somehow, that it wasn't the time for that and he walked away."
"That must have been a heart-wrenching moment for him."
Less furtively than I might have expected, John brushes the back of his hand across his eyes. "The worst."
For the first time today, I don't think about what to say or do. I simply reach for him and wrap my arms around my son, just holding him close.
"But it's over. You're together now."
He pulls away a little, smiling at me as he taps open his omni-tool to message Kaidan.
"Always."