Archive of Our Own ^beta

It's New Year's Eve. Our first together.

Our house is full, with people spilling out onto the deck despite the chill. Luckily it's a clear night, so it's not that uncomfortable if you don't stay out there too long. Kaidan had thought to string extra Christmas lights along the deck railing and it's actually pretty inviting.

The music spills out as well. Kaidan and Tali put together a playlist that spans centuries and worlds, the theme being that most of it is upbeat or festive. People are eating and drinking and dancing.

Jack just arrived, bringing more alcohol and several pizzas, and Garrus is keeping a close watch on the Turian brandy supply – when he isn't being pulled off his barstool by Tali for another dance. Except for refilling his ryncol supply, Grunt hasn't relinquished his self-appointed bouncer duty, standing guard at the front door. I explained that this isn't like the Citadel – we don't expect any uninvited guests, but he's adamant.

Elena drove over from the orchard this morning and spent the day cooking and baking. She might possibly have been teaching my mother a few family recipes. Now she and Mom have their heads together and I'm hearing laughter. A glance at Kaidan confirms my suspicion that they're swapping stories about their sons as children. Complete with photo files stored on their omni-tools. I don't even want to know. Maybe it's just Mom's collection of ugly Christmas sweater pics...

Kaidan's blush tells me enough. I take his hand and we cross the room to join Kahlee and Liara by the fireplace. I wasn't sure Kahlee would decide to come to the party and I'm so glad she did.

Cortez even persuaded Joker to join us, offering him transport and the promise of a no-questions-asked ride back to the Normandy if it all gets to be too much for him. But he seems to be doing okay. There are so many personal losses among the people here tonight. Hell, we've all lost too much, too many people who should be here with us tonight. But there are good moments being remembered too. Good memories of those we're missing.

I first had the idea for this party some time last summer, not long after we'd moved into our house here. One evening I'd found Kaidan on the deck, looking out over the bay. The memory of that night is still vivid.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Is it that obvious? I guess I'm not very good company tonight."

"Kaidan, you don't have to entertain me. You just look kind of far away. Can I help?"

He didn't turn as I stepped out onto the deck beside him. He was watching the tide roll in, the sound of the waves splashing on the rocks below us breaking the stillness of the night. The cloudless sky over the bay was sprinkled with stars. It wasn't the first time I'd found Kaidan lost in a star-view, and his preoccupation that night reminded me of something.

"Just thinking about how we thought things might go... after the war was over."

I remembered then – the night in Starboard Observation when Kaidan told me he'd heard that his father was MIA. Despite that unsettling news, our conversation that night had ended on a tenuous note of hope.

"You're talking about that reunion party we thought there'd be..."

"Yeah. Haven't seen much of that. No dancing in the streets... just some hugging and crying in private. Not that I'm complaining about that... getting to see Mom again... yeah."

Closing the distance between us, I rested a hand on his back, feeling his tension in the muscles there.

"I guess we missed that part, Kaidan. Saw some vid recordings of it, in different cities, even on other planets... people celebrating when the Reapers fell. Soldiers mostly. Maybe realizing they were going to live after all. That was good to see."

Kaidan slid his arm under mine to circle my waist, hugging a little. But it seemed like he was the one seeking comfort tonight. I had to try to help. He never asked for much of anything for himself. Just being together seemed to be enough. His voice went so quiet as he shared his own memories.

"You almost didn't make it, Shepard. And there wasn't any dancing on the Normandy on whatever the hell that planet was where our last jump sent us. Everyone was pretty dazed. Yeah, most of us were alive. But the empty places were too much... you know?"

I rubbed small circles on his back, hoping it would help a little, just letting him talk.

"Then we heard they found you alive... and we got back and I got to hold you again. The news... gave me my life back. And holding you... that meant everything. When all the tubes and wires were gone and I could sit down on the bed and just pull you close... feel your heartbeat. Know for sure I hadn't lost you again."

He turned then, gathering me into both arms, his warm brown eyes meeting mine. "I'm not sure what I'm even asking for here... Seems like I have everything I need."

That's when I had the idea. "Let's throw that party ourselves. I don't know... maybe on New Years Eve. Might be a good time for a celebration then. Some drinking and dancing... probably more hugging and crying too."

I remember that he'd smiled at the idea. "Yeah. I like that. Invite everyone who's around... maybe set up comm calls to others."

But in the meantime...

I knew this was going to sound pretty improbable coming from me. But there was one small gift I can offer him. A celebration of life and love.

Leaning my head close to his, our foreheads touching, I lifted my arms to his shoulders, clasping my hands behind his neck as I pressed my body against him. There was no music but the sound and rhythm of the tide, but it might be enough. We began to sway gently together.

"Dance with me, Kaidan?"

"And then, Shepard actually found me a bottle of Serrice ice brandy to replace the one I'd lost on the old Normandy... and we sat right down there in the med bay and drank the whole bottle..."

I laugh, listening to her telling the story. "The doctor was a very entertaining drunk... it was the right thing to do. And I did replace that brandy again..."

Kaidan raises his nearly empty bottle of lager in a toast to Chakwas. Realizing he needed a refill, he heads for the kitchen and I follow. "You never told me that story, John."

"Maybe not... it was just after I came on board the SR-2. Bought that brandy on my first trip to the Citadel... first trip after I'd been dead. Drinking seemed like a good way to try to deal with everything I ran into there, I guess. And Karin was a safe person to get drunk with. I knew if worst came to worst, I'd just wake up in med bay."

Kaidan huffs a small laugh and squeezes my hand. "Not the first place I ever look forward to waking up, but I hear you. There were a lot of strangers on that ship then. Not all of whom you'd want to see you like that as a first impression."

Returning the squeeze of his hand, I nod. "Exactly. A few familiar faces, but not many I trusted implicitly. I didn't feel like I belonged there. Hell I was supposed to be dead."

He leans in to kiss my cheek, a reminder that this probably wasn't the best time... we have guests to consider.

"Looks like Kahlee and Hannah are enjoying themselves. Do you think they knew each other already?"

She's refilling Mom's glass with what looks like single malt scotch before sharing a private toast. "I don't know, Kaidan. But Anderson and my father were friends, so I'm not surprised they would find something in common."

"I didn't know that... about Anderson and your dad. Might be part of why he always kind of looked out for you."

"Only learned about it myself when Anderson mentioned it once. They served together at some point and stayed in touch. If by any chance, Kahlee – or the Islay – has gotten Mom to talk about Dad, that would be one more time than I ever managed."

Kaidan reaches for my hand, rubbing his thumb across mine. "It's something they have in common... their losses. Might be good for them both to share." He pauses for a moment before deciding to continue. "And, John, it seems like you and your mother have made a lot of progress. Give it time. Maybe one day she'll be able to talk to you about your dad."

"Yeah, I hope so." I drain my own drink and shake my head at Kaidan's offer to get me another. "I'm good for now. You know, I'm glad we decided to have this party here rather than in the Citadel apartment."

Too many ghosts there, too many echoes of that other party when we were all still together. We're keeping that apartment. One day we'll even be able to have other parties there, but this isn't the time.

"You're right about that, Shepard. I doubt Kahlee would have been comfortable there. Or Joker..."

I look around for him, relieved to see him chatting with Cortez and Chakwas. He has a beer in hand but doesn't look like he's had all that many. It's good to see he won't need to take Steve up on the offer to leave early. He's been pretty reclusive, but getting the chance to take the Normandy out to pick up my Mom was like an unexpected Christmas gift for him.

It's getting close to midnight. Tali has been doing a countdown. "Get your Champagne here at the bar... hic... I don't think this is dextro... It tickles!" Garrus looks concerned, standing close behind her, in case the reaction is more than a tickle. "I'm fine, Garrus... just fes... hic... a little festive."

When several omnitools chime midnight, the room is filled with shouts of Happy New Year! And plenty of hugs and kisses all around. Kaidan presses a palm against my back and maneuvers us through the crowd and out onto the deserted deck.

My arms wind around his neck and he's pulling me as close as it's possible to be with our clothes on. Actually, my body doesn't care about the clothes. I'm responding to him in every way and pressing my hips against him confirms that it's mutual. He kisses me, letting it linger and deepen before he pulls back just far enough to meet my eyes.

"Happy New Year, John. Last year I had to whisper that to you in the hospital, holding just your hand. It's been an amazing year."

Leaning my head close to his, our foreheads touching, my breath catches and I don't quite trust my voice. "The best."

His eyes are starting to look a little misty and my voice drops to a whisper. "Love you so much. Thank you for being here with me... through everything."

The music is still spilling out into the night, even though we closed the door behind us. It's an old song, different from the dance music that's been playing all evening. With both arms still draped over his shoulders, my fingers slip up into his hair at the nape of his neck. I feel his hands on my hips, holding me close.

"Dance with me, Kaidan."