Work Text:
DIRK: I keep seeing 'species-swap' shit going around. People changing humans to trolls or whatever as a hobby.
DIRK: NeoTwitter accounts dedicated to searching for random ass people and editing their photos to show them how they'd look if they were a troll or a leprechaun or some shit like that.
GAMZEE: DiDn'T tHeY aGrEe On GnOmE?
DIRK: It changes every time I see it brought up. It might be regional?
KANAYA: Green Men
DIRK: Yeah, sure. I guess. Still feels weird.
ROXY: well ok swapping other people is weird but i get wanting to edit or draw urself or something. callie has her trollsona n shes awesome n thats not weird!
KARKAT: IT IS WEIRD. IF I MADE A 'HUMANSONA' IT'D BE WEIRD, RIGHT? YOU'D ALL HATE IT.
ROXY: i wouldnt
KANAYA: Id Like To See Your Humansona Karkat
KANAYA: What Would His Name Be Would He Follow The Standard Human Four Letter Naming Convention
KARKAT: I AM NOT MAKING A HUMANSONA.
GAMZEE: wHaT dO yOu ThInK mInE wOuLd Be CaLlEd
DIRK: Dunno. Gary or something.
ROXY: LOL ok absolutely not
KARKAT: HEY. NOBODY IS MAKING A HUMANSONA, OKAY?
KARKAT: I'M SURE IT'D BE GREAT TO BE HUMAN, BUT DRAWING YOURSELF WITHOUT HORNS OR WITH NON-GREY SKIN OR SMALL TEETH DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR HONEST TO GOG LIFE.
KARKAT: THERE'S NO POINT TO IT.
DIRK: What's so great about being human specifically? I get another, more chill Earth animal. No offense but Alternia seemed like kind of a shithole, you haven't really spoken fondly on it since you were basically a kid. But Humans are the most depressing Earth species by far.
DIRK: What about a goat or something? They're living a good life. Never met a goat that wasn't fucking thriving.
KANAYA: Ill Admit I Can Sort Of See The Appeal
KANAYA: Im Sure There Are Plenty Of Animals That Are Good To Be But Its Easy To See Humans As A Direct Upgrade From Trolls
KANAYA: No Offense To Everyone But At Least For Me It Seems Far More Convenient
KANAYA: I Somewhat Envy The More Straightforward Way To Reproduce
KANAYA: Though I Suppose I Of All People Would Say That
KANAYA: Is That Weird To Say Actually Probably
GAMZEE: I wIsH i CoUlD gEt TaV pReGnAnT
KANAYA: Okay
KARKAT: HEY. WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL TALK TO YOU?
KARKAT: EVERY TIME I TRY AND HAVE A NORMAL, *SOPHISTICATED* CONVERSATION, YOU SWOOP IN LIKE A PERVERTED RASPFIEND AND PICK ALL OF MY CONTENTEDNESS INTO BLOODY MEATY LITTLE PIECES, YOU SICK FUCK.
ROXY: "sophisticated" lol
DIRK: Gamzee, that wouldn't work. Even if you were human. There's more factors at play.
ROXY: well me personally i believe in u gamz. i think if you really put your mind to it u could do it.
GAMZEE: tHaNkS, rOx. It MeAnS a LoT.
KARKAT: DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM.
KARKAT: HEY, ACTUALLY. ISN'T IT USUALLY ONLY FEMALES THAT CAN GET PREGNANT? YOUR WOMAN FETISH IS GETTING REALLY OBVIOUS, DUDE!
KANAYA: Are We Still Calling It That
GAMZEE: nAh, MaN, i'M jUsT a LeSbIaN.
GAMZEE: sIcK aS hElL hUmAn WoRd FoR cHiCkS iNtO cHiCkS.
KARKAT: SINCE WHEN DID YOU SAY 'CHICKS'. ALSO, I THOUGHT WE AGREED ON NOT USING THESE BULLSHIT HUMAN TERMS. WHY DO WE NEED TO LABEL EVERY GODDAMN ASPECT OF OUR LIVES? HOMOSEXUAL WAS ENOUGH.
KANAYA: I Mean
KANAYA: Id Use That Term To Describe Myself
KARKAT: WHAT, LESBIAN?
KARKAT: LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH GAMZEE. NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY.
KANAYA:
KANAYA: I Mean Woman Fetishist
KANAYA: I Find It Straightforward And Elegant
KARKAT: THANK YOU! SOMEONE GETS IT.
DIRK: I can get not wanting to label yourself. I never particularly felt inclined to.
ROXY: man i thought u were calling urself gay finally
DIRK: I suppose the horseshoe fits. But it doesn't really matter, does it?
KARKAT: ENTIRELY SENSIBLE! DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU.
GAMZEE: hEy MaYbE yOu'D sUiT a TrOlLsOnA
ROXY: TRUE dirk u should make a troll guy
DIRK: I'm afraid I can't do that.
DIRK: Because I already have.
KARKAT: FUCK OFF.
DIRK: His name is Diedrk Stridr. He is an indigo-blooded mechanic and enjoyer of fine art.
KARKAT: THAT'S JUST EQUIUS.
DIRK: What? No. That's me. We are entirely seperate guys.
GAMZEE: yOu ArE kInDa EqUiUsLiKe
ROXY: yk now that im thinking abt it you are just kinda like a chiller humaner equius. not that i know the guy much but vibewise
DIRK: Wow.
DIRK: Have you considered that Equius is actually a less chill, troll version of me?
KANAYA: Equius Did Come First
DIRK: Fuck.
GAMZEE: KaRt
KARKAT: HUH?
GAMZEE: YoUr HuMaN nAmE. pReTtY mOtHeRfUcKiN' rAd, I tHiNk.
KARKAT: WHAT? NO. I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT WORKS AS A NAME!
DIRK: It doesn't, not traditionally at least. A kart is a vehicle.
GAMZEE: YoUr NaMe Is A sWoRd.
ROXY: hes got u there dirk. ur name is in fact a sword
KANAYA: Kaya Maryam
ROXY: oo very nice
ROXY: umm i could b ROXYEE LALOND a cool jade girl who lives in secret and does science n shit
ROXY: sry thats not very creative
KANAYA: Its Okay I Quite Like Her
KANAYA: Maybe She Could Be Like Me Since She Is A Jade
KANAYA: Not Living In The Caverns Due To Special Circumstance But Interested In The Idea Nontheless
ROXY: oh true!! n thats where all her science girl business could come in w her trying to make mutant science trollbabies or some shit
KANAYA: A Nice Idea If A Little Farfetched
KANAYA: I Think Kaya Would Just Be A Fairly Average Human Girl But
ROXY: but?
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: Ive Found Some Humans To Be Similarly Arrested By 'Vampires' As I Was By Rainbow Drinkers
KANAYA: Maybe She Could Be Like The Real Me In That Sense
ROXY: o shit secret vampire in the session
ROXY: sick sick. some1 should write this down
GAMZEE: I cOuLd Be GaRf. LiKe ThE pUrRbEaSt BuT wItH a ShOrTeR nAmE
ROXY: do u mean garfield? lol???
KARKAT: UNBELIEVABLE. YOU AREN'T EVEN TRYING!
KARKAT: *MY* HUMANSONA, "KART", OR KARKAT, WHICH HE NAMED HIMSELF IN DEFIANCE OF THE NAME GIVEN TO HIM BY A CRUEL AND MALEVOLENT GOD - THINKS EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS AND IS TERRIBLE, APART FROM MAYBE 'KAYA', BECAUSE SHE STILL SHOWS SOME FORM OF SANITY AND COMMON FUCKING SENSE.
GAMZEE: cAn KaR(t/kAt) Be FrIeNdS wItH gArF
KARKAT: NO.
DIRK: Diedrk can be friends with Garf.
GAMZEE: eEeH...
DIRK: Aw.
ROXY: its ok i always thought of diedrk and roxyee as besties anyway
KARKAT: FINE. EVERYONE BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE. HAPPY?
KANAYA: Very
KANAYA: Ive Grown Quite Invested In Your Humansona Actually Karkat
KANAYA: Surely You Will Update Me And Everyone Else On His Escapades Frequently Yes
KARKAT: FUCK OFF.
KARKAT: ..FINE. I'LL START WRITING SHIT DOWN.