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Tails emerges from his bedroom for the first time in an hour. In the dim hallway, it feels much later than it is. He senses a vague uneasiness curling up in the bottom of his stomach. He doesn’t feel like being alone in his room anymore, but the thought of socializing is just as unappealing.
“Hey,” Sonic says, looking up from the TV as Tails walks into the living room. “What do you want for dinner?”
The immediate question rubs Tails’s fur the wrong way. “I dunno,” he mumbles. He sinks onto the couch.
“Want pizza?”
“I don’t know.”
“Pasta? I still haven’t tried that recipe Vanilla gave me.”
“I don’t know,” Tails repeats. He doesn’t want to make any decisions. “What do you want?”
“Oh, I don’t care. Whatever you want.”
Tails can’t stop himself from heaving a frustrated sigh. “Well, I don’t know. I don’t want to choose,” he says, snapping a little.
Sonic shoots him a confused glance but dismisses it just as quickly. “Okay. I think I’ll try the pasta. That okay with you?”
“Sure. I don’t care.” Tails can hear himself getting sassier, but he can’t make himself stop. Maybe it’s time to retreat from the conversation. He stands back up.
Sonic looks at the clock on the wall. “You going back to your room? I’ll try to have dinner ready in, like, half an hour.”
“Okay.”
There’s a stretch of silence as Tails walks down the hall. He hears Sonic eventually call, “Love you!”
He trudges into his bedroom and shuts the door without answering.
Tails crosses the room with a sigh. Since when did it get so tiring just to be around Sonic? He grabs his journal from the desk and flops onto his bed. He really feels like being in his workshop, but lacks the actual motivation to go. Besides, he wouldn’t have much time before dinner and he wants to eat while it’s still hot.
He stares at his blank journal page for a few minutes as he tries to pull the words together in his mind. Finally, he just goes for it.
okay things might be going downhill again. i mean i hope i’m wrong, it’s hard to tell. but it’s just kind of.. it’s there, i don’t know. something’s off. my emotional control has been so bad lately. i get mad and snap at people and i don’t even really know why. plus things have been upsetting me more lately. like making me uneasy, not always full out anxious. it’s kind of hard to explain how it feels. i’m NOT in another slump but i guess i’m just scared i will be soon? it feels like something is coming. i don’t want to live like that again and
There’s a knock on the door. “Tails?” Sonic asks from outside.
“What?” Tails asks, and he doesn’t mean for it to come out sounding so annoyed. Sonic doesn’t annoy him. He loves Sonic. Why can’t he just act like it for once?
“Can I come in? I want to talk to you, buddy.”
Tails feels irritation brewing, itchy, in his chest. He tries not to grumble as he shuts his journal and drags himself out of bed. When he opens the door, Sonic is standing right outside, looking a little guilty and a little nervous. He quickly covers it with a smile.
“Hey!” he says, voice too sweet — like Tails is a fragile little kid. He feels the irrational rage bubbling up all over and he has to resist the urge to snap back.
“What do you want to talk about?” he forces out, trying not to scowl. He doesn’t step back from the doorway or invite his brother in.
“I, uh, I was just… wondering if you’re mad at me? You’ve seemed kind of down lately and I thought you sounded annoyed earlier. Which, like, it’s fine, I just want to make sure you’re okay and everything. ’Cause I know it’s hard to talk about your feelings sometimes, but… I’m here to listen! I’m, uh, I’m your big bro! Heh. I may not be the best at talking about my own feelings but I can do better, I promise. I want you to know if you ever feel…”
He keeps rambling on, and the back of Tails’s neck feels hot. Finally, he interrupts him. “Will you stop talking for one second!” he spits.
A new expression immediately crosses Sonic’s face, full of shock and hurt. It makes Tails feel nauseous. He seems speechless for a few seconds before his brows start to knit together and he frowns. “Well, God, you don’t have to shout at me,” he says, looking angry but sounding sad. “I’m sorry for being concerned about my little brother. Geez.”
“I…” Tails knows this is the time to apologize, and he tries, but when he opens his mouth, the only thing that comes out is, “Will you just leave me alone? Don’t you have pasta on the stove or something?”
Sonic stares at him for a moment, then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Listen,” he says, rubbing his temple with one hand. “I’m trying to be understanding. I know life isn’t always easy, for you or for anyone. This moment is not easy for me either. But I am trying. Because I care about you, okay?” He opens his eyes. “So if you will just tell me what’s wrong, I’ll try to help. I can’t help if you don’t tell me.”
But that’s the whole problem. Tails doesn’t know what he’s feeling or why’s feeling it. “Nothing’s wrong! Leave me alone!” he groans.
He can see a deep tiredness in Sonic’s expression. “Look, I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “For whatever I did.”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“Okay.” Sonic looks at the floor and swallows. When he looks back up, he’s smiling. “I haven’t actually started dinner yet. I’ll go do that. I was worried about you.”
“Well, don’t be.”
His voice sounds cold. Tails hates this — feeling like a brat, acting like a brat. He tries to smile like Sonic is, but he can’t get his mouth to stretch. He feels like he’s trying to walk forward through a big wave at the beach. Dragging his legs through the heavy water. He can’t pull himself out of this senseless irritation.
Sonic bites his lip and looks at him sadly. “You’re sure you don’t want to talk?”
“Yes.”
“Because all I want to do is help.”
And he really doesn’t mean to, but he snaps. “You’re not listening to me!” Tails yells. “Nothing is wrong! The only thing bothering me is you! Just shut up and leave me alone! Leave me alone!”
He slams the door and stomps over to his bed. Throwing himself onto it dramatically, he buries his head under his pillow. He lies there for a few moments before he yanks the pillow off and sits back up.
Tails reaches for his journal with the intention of picking up where he left off. But when he tries to hold the pencil, he finds his hands are trembling.
He feels sick to his stomach. At first, he thinks it’s anger. He punches his pillow, which does nothing to help. He gets up and paces the room.
Before long, he starts to notice how quickly his heart is racing. That’s when he starts to panic a little. He stops walking and grabs his chest. Thankfully, his breath comes pretty easily. He can’t deny how badly he’s shaking, though.
He has to apologize for his outburst. If only he knew what to say. It was his impulsive words that got him into this mess in the first place.
Swallowing, he opens his door and peeks into the hallway. It’s dim and empty, like he expected — he has a few moments to prepare for the confrontation as he walks to the kitchen.
He writes a script in his mind. Stopping in the kitchen doorway, he’s ready to explain himself, defend himself, and form a proper apology. But the second Sonic turns and looks at him, Tails loses control — his jittery energy overflows in the form of a sob. He bursts into tears in front of Sonic. He couldn’t stop it if he tried — before he knows it, he’s full-out ugly crying.
Sonic looks surprised. His own eyes are a little swampy, but he quickly wipes them and clears his throat. “Tails?”
“I’m sorry,” the kit sobs. “I’m so sorry I yelled at you!”
“Oh, buddy.” Sonic steps away from the stove and holds his arms out — not a command, just an offer. Tails takes it with relief. He sinks into Sonic’s embrace and lets himself be held, even though he feels humiliated by the whole ordeal.
For a bit, Sonic just hugs him. His gloved fingertips scratch gently against the back of Tails’s ears. Finally, Tails gathers the courage to pull his face out of Sonic’s chest and look him in the eye.
“I’m sorry,” he says again, swiping his wrist across his eyes. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I love you. Please don’t be mad.”
“No, no, bud, I’m not mad. I love you too.” Sonic smiles at him. “Everyone gets upset sometimes. Don’t worry about it, okay?”
“But it wasn’t fair. And it wasn’t just today. I’ve been mean lately.”
“Happens to the best of us. I’ve had some mean stretches too.” Sonic wraps an arm around his shoulder and guides him over to the stove so he can give the pasta a stir. “Have things been tough for you lately?”
“A little.” Tails sniffles.
Sonic gives his shoulder a squeeze. “You would tell me if things were getting bad again, right?” he asks, concern clear in his soft voice.
“Yeah.”
“Are they?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know.” Tails shrugs and looks at the floor. “Not right now. Maybe soon.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t put it into words. I just feel like I’m getting a… a preview of something.”
“Well, listen.” Sonic abandons the pasta and turns his body towards Tails. “I’ll be here. Okay? Always, always. If you ever need me, you can come to me. You can talk to me about anything.”
Tails knows he’s telling the truth. “Okay,” he says with a nod.
“I’m gonna get cheesy for a second.” Sonic scratches his neck and smiles. “I love you so much, dude. You’re the most important thing in the world to me. My number one priority. And the second you need me, I will drop everything to help you.”
Tails feels himself smile back. “And you know that goes both ways.”
“Of course. I know you would do the same for me. But—“ Sonic jabs a thumb towards his own chest. “I’m your big brother. I’m always gonna look out for you. It’s my job! And I take it very seriously.”
Tails hugs him again. “Thanks, Sonic.”
Sonic goes back to stirring the pasta, and Tails leans against his side. He helps Sonic prepare Vanilla’s not-so-secret-anymore sauce. They make plates together and carry them into the living room.
“Let’s watch a movie,” Sonic says, reaching for the remote as he sits down. “How do you feel about The Last Unicorn?”
“Sounds good to me!” Tails hops onto the couch beside him. They turn on the movie and dig into their pasta — which is, unsurprisingly, delicious. Sonic isn’t exactly the world’s best cook, but even he can’t ruin one of Vanilla’s recipes.
They laugh at the bizarre film together, and Tails feels whole. He almost forgets about earlier. Almost.
“Sonic?”
“Yeah?”
“I know we’re past it, but… you know I didn’t mean any of those awful things I said to you, right? You don’t bother me.”
Sonic scratches the top of the fox’s head. “Yeah, buddy, I know. I promise. No hard feelings whatsoever.”
“Okay.” Tails snuggles into his shoulder. “I love you.”
“Love you more.” Sonic places a kiss on top of his head, and then blows a raspberry. Tails giggles and pushes him away.
It’s cozy. Whole. Everything is okay. It’s never felt so okay, at least not since yesterday, and the day before that, and so on. And tomorrow will be okay, and so will the rest of time. Things may not get any easier, but Tails is confident he won’t face them alone.
He doesn’t feel anxious for the rest of the evening. His stomach is full and his eyes are teary from laughter. And he loves his big brother.