Archive of Our Own

“You’re one to talk, big bro. Hero moves are totally your style.”

Yikes. Raph was totally going to kick his ass for that line. After The Kraang was done kicking his ass. 

Whenever that was going to be. Everything was starting to get so cold. But, at least he wasn’t in as much pain anymore. That was supposed to be more worrying for him, but his brain felt too scrambled to properly care.

All he was doing now was floating around as he tried to keep ahold of the photo Casey gave him. Or, no, wait. Casey never gave him this. Not really. It was just supposed to remind Leo how badly he screwed up. When Leo gets back, he’ll have to give it back and make it up to him.

Well, he’s mostly made up for that now. Right? Mostly. Like, the Earth is definitely saved from the Kraang now. Yeah, there’s still some other stuff Leo’s gotta make up for. But…

Oh, who was he kidding? There’s no making up for stuff on this level. No need to lie when he’d be the only one benefiting.

And then before he knew it, Leo was back on Staten Island. He was surrounded by his brothers who all looked like they couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Leo’s pretty sure he cracked a joke before he passed out in the group hug. After all, he is nothing but polite. No matter what Donnie says.

When he woke back up again, there was a bright light shining in his face, beeping noises around him, and the feeling like none of his limbs were fully attached to his body. Leo tried to move his arm up to cover his face, and doing so elicited cries from around him.

“Leo!”
“Leo! Can you hear me? Are you awake?”
“Are you really awake this time? Leo?”

Yikes, they sounded scared.

“Who let Donnie make a Sun in the lair?” Leo joked. Or, he tried to. All that came out was a long whining noise. Which, was embarrassing, to say the least. After that cool hero move and he follows up that with trying not to cry in the Med-Bay? Some sweet leader he was.

…

He was in the Med-Bay, right? Every thought he tried to complete kept slipping through his fingers like grains of sand. Even though everyone was trying to calm him down, it did nothing to stop the rising panic from spreading through his entire body. He needed to run. Something kept pushing and holding him down every time he tried to move. Holding and pressing him down. Keeping him there. In that place. Like he never left and would never be allowed to leave—

It wasn’t until Draxum’s voice rang above the rest that Leo was finally able to go back to sleep. The angry cries of his brothers begging him not to sleep left him feeling the tiniest bit guilty. But, what was one more thing for them to be angry at him for on the pile Leo had amassed already?

Waking up the second time was much easier. While he still felt groggy and like his limbs were pinned down by pointed helmets, things were much clearer when he opened his eyes.

The first thing he saw was his eldest brother sleeping in a cot beside his. Even illuminated only by the one light of the heat lamp shining down on Leo, it was still clear how many healing injuries Raph had. How many scars he was going to have thanks to the Kraang? Thanks to Leo.

Out of all his brothers, Leo would like to say he held the record for the lowest amount of times of was caught crying. Not that there was anything wrong with that. Crying was natural and good for his brothers to do. So it was all the painkillers that he had to still be on that had Leo choking back a sob. Couldn’t he at least be quiet as Raph recovered?

One of the worst parts was (and there were a lot of worst parts), Leo wouldn’t be able to tell anyone why he was crying. Even he couldn’t understand what got him so worked up. After all, he did what he was supposed to. Learned his lesson. Saved the city, and his family. What’s he got to cry over?

It was okay. Everything was okay now. He was okay. He was! Yeah, he saw that he had a cast on his left arm and that he had bandages going every which way on him. But he was gonna be fine! He could just…close his eyes! Go back to sleep! No reason to wake up Raph while he was still--

“Leo?”

The day Leo didn’t make life harder for his brother would be cause for international headlines. He could see it now, Proof that miracles exist! Mutant Turtle finally improves the lives of those he cares about instead of the opposite! Turn to page five for more details. April could do the reporting and get a stellar grade. 

“Leo?” Raph tried again, sounding less sure while the bed creaked as he stood up. It was time to bite the bullet. 

Peaking his one uncovered eye open, Leo smiled, “Hey! How long was I—?”

Now that Raph was fully under the light, the vague outline of his wounds was suddenly in crystal-sharp detail. Now, there was no mistaking the cuts scars, and bandages that littered the snapper’s body. The heavy wrappings around his right eye.

The hole in his shell. 

Leo could still picture the way it looked when there was a spear of a tentacle there. The weapon that was meant for him. Sharpened to an accusatory point that landed just in front of Leo’s face, as if to say

Your fault. 

In fact, Leo couldn’t stop picturing it. No matter how hard he tried. Here was Raph, saying so much with joyous relief, and Leo couldn’t take in any of it. Couldn’t fight the rising feelings of shame and remorse until--

“I’m,” Leo squeaked, interrupting Raph, “Raph, I’m so, so sorry. I’m just— Raph! Raph, I’m really, really sorry!”

He needed to stop crying. The second he could, he was getting off these painkillers. Who cares that they were specially made by Draxum so that they could still work on them despite their healing factor. They were making everything too bright and in focus. And like Leo didn’t have control over his own emotions—

It wasn’t helping how Raph’s face suddenly collapsed like an imploding skyscraper (Leo was all too familiar with how they could do that now. Skyscrapers were supposed to be so sturdy that they couldn’t collapse under their own weight. Leo knew better now) and scooped Leo into a far too gentle hug. Like he was something precious, and not the blame for all of this. As if these weak apologies would ever be enough to make up for what he did.

“It’s okay, Leo, it’s okay,” Raph softly whispered comforting lies over Leo’s hiccuping apologies, “Everything’s okay. Don’t even worry about any of that right now, yeah? You just focus on getting better.”

One thing about trauma is that it can sometimes cause the brain to latch onto things that it normally wouldn’t. Things that may normally be interpreted one way are now seen in a different light through the filter of a traumatic experience. 

As Leo tried to hug Raph back with his too-heavy limbs, his mind locked onto one thing that Raph said with the force of a sprung bear trap. 

“Don’t even worry about any of that right now.”

“Right now.”

Ah, Leo thought as he continued to lose the battle against his drugged-up emotions, I see. Right, yeah, of course. Raph wouldn’t wanna give me my overdue comeuppance while I’m still all beat up and stuff. He’s a nicer guy than that. You don’t yell at the dude in the hospital bed. No matter how badly he deserves it. But, once I’m out of here, then that’s when he and the others will really let me have it.

And as Donnie, Mikey, and everyone else sprinted in to get their tearful hugs, all Leo could think was

I’ll get what’s coming to me soon enough. 

Recovering in the Med-Bay was, normal.

Turns out, Leo has essentially been in a coma for the last three weeks. That every now and then it would look like he was coming too, but he would always slip back under. That was freaky. But that was then.

Now he was awake and ready to go. After an extensive check-up by Draxum, Leo was confirmed to be officially out of the woods. Still, he’d have to keep the cast around his left leg and right arm for the rest of the week. His other bandages should be able to come off then as well. But, until then he was confined to the Med-Bay.

The time that was spent there went by faster than Leo would have liked. Normally, the Med-Bay was his least favorite place to be for obvious reasons. But, just knowing what awaited him once he was out of here was the payback to end all paybacks. 

Leo had always been impatient. One to ask for the bad news first. Rip off the bandaid and get it over with. Now, though, he had learned it wasn’t all about him. He did his lap of character growth and was going to do his best to make it stick. So, if his brothers wanted to wait for him to get out of the Med-Bay before bestowing upon him his well-deserved smack-down then it seemed like that’s what he was going to get.

It just made every cheerful interaction have just the slightest artificial aftertaste. 

There was no one better in his family at reading people than Leo. On top of that, there was no one better at reading the Hamatos than Leo. And every time he hung out with his brothers while he was recovering, every action screamed to Leo that they were genuinely happy.

On the third day, Leo figured it out as Mikey brought him soup on a stabilizing tray with a million-watt smile.

Duh, of course his brothers were legitimately happy to see him awake. No matter how angry they were at him, it’s not like they wouldn’t be sincerely relieved to see him out of a coma. Of course, they had to wait for him to be recovered before the feelings underneath could show.

But, that didn’t make these feelings any less real. Folks were capable of showing and experiencing conflicting emotions. No doubt his brothers would always love him. Even after everything. Even when they would give Leo what he was due, he knew the love would still be there. 

Donnie hadn’t left his side once since he woke up. Leo noticed him looking at him and Mikey eating soup. 

“And what’re you thinking about, huh?” Leo joked as Mikey noticed they were being watched. 

The question got Donnie to blink, “Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing.”

“So you admit it,” Leo preened, “I am funny.”

The soft shell rolled his eyes, “There’s some saying about broken clocks and twice a day that should apply pretty deftly to you right now.”

“What? You don’t know it?” Leo nudged Mikey and fake whispered to him, “And he’s supposed to be the smart one. Yikes.”

And his little brother joined him in giving Donnie tsking noises as they tried to smother their giggles.

“Exasperated laugh,” Donnie said flatly before he rolled his eyes and gave Leo a real smile. The sight threw him off for just a moment before his twin continued, “I must say though, I am glad to see you in such good spirits and recovering so quickly. Maybe you’ll be able to get out of here early!”

Oh. Right. He’d get out of here, and then his brothers would be able to really talk to him. Without all the bandages covering his wounds or their other feelings.

“Can’t wait,” Leo smiled back.

Raph would only stop by for the briefest of visits. Leo guessed that made sense. As much as his big brother was able to control his temper, this must be pushing it.

Leo left the med bay a few days later. Cast free with a clean bill of health and applause from his family. It was beyond cheesy and it put the biggest smile on his face.

It put what felt like a boulder the size of the Empire State Building in his stomach.

Is this why they were all here? They were going to get it done right when he got out of the med bay? That would make the most sense, he supposed. Everything that must have been bubbling under the surface finally getting the chance to surface after what was now over a month of waiting since Leo had caused the invasion--

And, nothing happened.

Mikey jumped up and gave him a friendly noogie on the head that quickly morphed into a hug. Pops made him bend down to give him a hug and a kiss on the forehead. April squished his cheeks together before laughing and hugging him as well. Casey Jr. gave him a tearful look before pulling him into a much stronger hug than he was expecting. Donnie looked like he was going to try and pull his emotionless bad-boy act for just a moment before giving him a surprisingly tender hug.

Raph looked at him with an expression Leo couldn’t place. It left Leo feeling like he was floating in zero gravity, and he knew he would always hate that feeling. Was Raph going to start them off? A bunch of hugs to cap off his recovery before they taught Leo a lesson?

Leo was scooped up by his big brother in the softest hug the snapper had ever given him. Perhaps even more gentle than the one while Leo was still lying up in bed.

“Don’t you ever do something like that again, ya hear?” Raph whispered in his ear. Desperate and pleading.

His body ran cold while his heart sped up. Here it was. Time to face the music.

“I promise,” Leo whispered back, forcing his voice to remain steady. He didn’t want any pity to soften the blow his family was about to deal to him.

No one enjoys being reprimanded. Especially by those whose opinions of them are so important. But, Leo was ready. He had his week to prepare. Now, he understood how it wasn’t all about him. He had responsibilities and had hurt not just the people closest to him but countless other innocents who didn’t deserve to have been caught up in Leo’s mistakes. 

Everyone had been working to make sure Leo couldn’t watch the news. No matter how many times he had asked for the official numbers of the injured and dead, no one would give it to him. They must have been waiting for this moment. 

Taking one last deep breath, Leo pulled away from the hug. Backed away to look at his smiling family. 

And still, nothing happened. A strange silence filled the air.
What?

Was

Was this like that time Leo became the basketball mascot and was a bad brother then as well? Were they waiting for Leo to be the one to apologize first? Leo had tried that with other members of his family while he had been in the hospital, only to get shot down every time. Was now the right time? This whole not knowing what his family was expecting of him was starting to get to him. 

But, he supposed it made sense to apologize now that he was fully recovered and everyone was here.

“Guys,” Leo began, deep breath, “I-- Look. There’s nothing I can say that… I’m really--!” Oh boy, this really was like the time Leo had tried to apologize for being a bad brother, but now on a global scale, “I know that--I--I mean… What I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry and--!”

At those words, Mikey’s face pinched together. He ran up and pulled Leo down into a sideways hug, “Did you know that one Cyberpunk video game came out while you were asleep?”

Leo blinked, once again feeling the ground of his family move in ways he couldn’t predict, “No shit?”

“Yeah!” Mikey beamed with forced giggles, “It’s really bad! Let’s go play!”

“Oh, yes!” Donnie jumped into whatever thing Mikey had started, pulling Leo into the living room, “While I have made a version that has patched it up into something playable, the original version is something so bad it has to be played to be believed.”

Were they trying to talk about him through… bad video game metaphors? Comparing him to a game that everyone had good expectations for that let everyone down so badly that it was funny? That wasn’t like his family. This was… It just felt like old times. Like they really just wanted to show Leo what he missed while he was out. That couldn’t be right.

“Sucks that the game sucks though,” Leo tried as they all got comfortable, “I really thought it was gonna be great too.”

That kicked off a long conversation about rushed development and bad working conditions in the video game industry. When they really got the game going, Leo laughed so hard at the first glitch that soda spewed out of his nose. Donnie tried to get on him for how gross he was, but he couldn’t stop laughing either.

All through the night, Leo kept looking for signs of, well, anything. Searched every comment for a jab directed at Leo for what he had done. This wasn’t what he had expected from his family at all. But, they had all that time to prepare. He had been asleep for a while. Maybe they had planned something a bit more elaborate to teach Leo a lesson? That… really wasn’t like them at all. Leo was having a harder and harder time trying to figure out when the other shoe was gonna drop.

In the end, it was just a fantastic night. Everyone’s jokes and laughter were nothing but real and sincere. Leo got so swept up in the moment, that he almost missed when Raph began to pass out and fall over.

Normally, this would prompt Leo to nudge his brothers to watch. Knowing that Raph’s face could take damage like a boss, they would all place bets on which direction he was going to fall or what he would break.

This time, Leo dropped the controller and sprinted over. Tripping over himself to slide right under Raph and hold up his body from crashing into the upturned popcorn bowl. There was no reason for Raph to ever have to take any damage while Leo was around again.

Leo placed his hands squarely on the center of his big brother’s chest and called out, “Raph!”

The way Raph’s eyes burst open so wide and so fast, it looked almost painful. Leo couldn’t keep his face from going surprised at the sight. Immediately, both of Raph’s hands landed right by Leo’s head as he caught himself from falling any further. 

Out of the four of them, Raph had always been by far the heaviest sleeper. It was surprising that he woke up so quickly. Normally, Raph didn’t wake up even after his face had shattered whatever it had fallen on. 

Normally, normally, normally. Maybe this was all just part of the new normal Leo had to get used to.

That, and looking into Raph’s two differently colored eyes.

“Woah, hey, Raph. Raph!” Leo called out, forcing himself into a calmer state, “You back with us, bud?”

Everyone else was coming over to help. But there was no need. Raph had almost thrown himself away from Leo. He kept moving backward until his spiked shell was pressed against the wall. His eyes never left Leo the entire time as he took heaving breaths.

Something was wrong. Something was really really wrong here, but Leo couldn’t figure it out. Couldn’t figure Raph out, and wasn’t that just the punishment to end all punishments?

But, then Donnie was by his side as Leo tried to find his footing in this new world without gravity. His twin placed a gentle hand on the snapper’s shoulder and asked, “Did you have a bad dre--”

“Ah!” Raph yelped, voice high and full of false cheer, “Sorry! About that! Did I fall asleep? Haha, wow! Did not mean to do that and take away all the fun we were having! My bad, Leo! Sorry!”

Having Raph apologize to Leo first wasn’t something he had ever expected. Even after this day had sent him every curveball imaginable, he still wasn’t able to see this one coming before it beamed him upside the head. 

Leo pushed himself up, “What? Raph? You--”

“Must be more tired than I thought!” He grinned with all his teeth as his body hunched into itself, “Better turn in for the night! And for the record, I’m fine! Totally fine!”

“Raph,” Mikey tried now, “Maybe--”

Before anyone could grab him, Raph sped away with false cheer and good nights. Everyone could hear Raph slam the door to his train car behind him shut.

All that was left in the room was the lobby music from the bad video game. Donnie wordlessly turned it off.

“What’s going on with Raph?” Leo asked.

Was this a test? Part of their plan to get back at Leo? Should he be going after Raph? Was he supposed to already know, but was overlooking the obvious? Had he just been deluding himself into thinking the atmosphere tonight had been fun and cheerful, while they had been waiting for him to do… something? And, Raph just so happened to be the one who snapped first? 

But, that still didn’t make any sense! There was something obvious that Leo was missing here and it was starting to drive him up a wall!

Mikey took Leo’s hand as he tried to follow, “Raph’s… gonna be fine. It’s just, you know, this whole situation.”

While Mikey was known for being most in tune with his emotions, Leo knew that wasn’t by choice. Mikey always wore his heart on his sleeve, whether he wanted to or not.

“Should I go talk to him?” Leo tried carefully. Not sure if he was following the rules correctly of this new game. 

Everyone’s faces broke out into grimaces and Leo felt his mind spin. Was that the wrong thing to say? Why shouldn’t he go talk with Raph? What was he supposed to be doing? He’s never had to doubt himself this much before—

“Maybe tomorrow?” April offered with a fake smile, “We’ll go and check up on him. Promise. You get some sleep, and you guys can talk in the morning. Sound good?”

April was trying to reassure him. Trying to placate him. Why? That wasn’t like her. This wasn’t like how any of them were supposed to be behaving. Leo wanted nothing more than to cause a stink. To make everyone stop being weird and just tell him what was going on. Nothing about how this day had gone made any sense and Leo was supposed to know them so

“Okay,” Leo said, “I’ll hit the sack. Text me any updates?”

Mikey squeezed his hand and Leo felt his heart constrict, “Of course! I--” The box shell took a deep breath, “We’re all happy you’re all better now, Leo.”

What was he supposed to say to that? It’s not like Leo thought it was a lie. Like his family would want him perpetually hurt. But, he was out of the med bay, and all that happened to him was a fun evening. In the end, it was Raph who had a rough night and Leo didn’t know why.

So, Leo went to bed. Someone had attempted to patch up the hole in his car from his last fight with Raph. He stared at the large pieces of plywood and wondered who put them there.

There was no way he was going to get any sleep that night. All he could do was brace himself for what was sure to come tomorrow. They probably all thought that it had still been too early. But tomorrow morning, that’s when he was going to get it. Yeah. Tomorrow for sure.

Leo did not get any sort of punishment the next day. 

All he got was a strangely bashful Raph. The snapper gave him a fake smile and an apology for who knows what. Mikey and Donnie were trying to subtly give encouragement from the sidelines like Leo couldn’t see them.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, dude,” Leo cut Raph off in the middle of another awkward apology, “I’m just glad you’re okay. ‘Cause… you are okay, right?”

“I--” Raph looked like he swallowed both a lemon and an egg at the same time, “Yeah! Totally!”

Out of all the possible responses, that was another one Leo hadn’t seen coming. Made him question everything he thought he knew about his brothers. It was clearly a lie. But.

“Happy to hear it,” Leo said instead of freaking out. He gave Raph’s shoulder a friendly pat instead of a hug and started making breakfast. If that’s what his team wanted to tell him, then that was what Leo would listen to. Because, they’d tell him eventually, right? That had to be the play here.

This was a weird way to put a cap on the whole invasion. But, in a roundabout way, it made sense. These kinds of things didn’t happen all the time. And his family had a while to think of a way to really make sure he had learned his lesson. As much as Leo would love to say he had learned his lesson. Well. It was him. This was his family. They’d gotta have something up their sleeve for what he did. But for it to fit the crime, it was looking like it might take a while.

At least after this was finally done, things could start to go back to normal. 

The rest of the day was aggravatingly normal. Leo tried to enjoy it as much as possible. To not have his muscles tense before he inevitably hits the ground he must be falling towards.

“We have a 95414.3 - 277.5 in progress”

Everyone blinked as Donnie’s wrist tech went off at the dinner table.

The soft shell quickly dismissed the notification with a wave of his hand, “Just a simple robbery from a jewelry store. The human police can handle it.”

After what happened the last time Leo had failed to keep something from being stolen, he wished he could bolt down every valuable object in New York to the floor.

Swallowing a bite of food, Leo slapped on a confident grin with a force that left his cheeks stinging, “Where is it? I can portal us over there and we could just take care of it.”

It was like Leo was able to literally watch as the mood shifted into something awkward and hesitant.

“Yeah!” Mikey pipped up, with a cheer that seemed only slightly overdone, “This could mark the epic return of the Mad Dogz! Back and better than ever!”

That was nice of Mikey. His encouragement seemed to ease something in Donnie and Raph. Even if it looked forced. Raph slapped his hands to his cheeks with way too much force. The sound it made had Leo jumping with concern, but Raph seemed ready to go after.

“Alright,” Raph beamed, “Mad Dogz, let’s roll out!”

The fight wasn’t anything to write home about. 

Just a group of bored rich kids looking to take advantage of a jewelry store that couldn’t fix its security system. The system that had been busted up because of

Well, the point was. There were four teenagers playing bad guys. Dressed literally in black and white striped shirts with matching ski masks. Dum dums were literally scooping the loose jewelry into oversized knapsacks while they wore pipes strapped to their back. Maybe to try and use them as weapons? The jokes literally wrote themselves. But

Serious mode. Leo pointed his katana at the wannabe thieves and shouted, “Halt, villain!”

At the sight of them with weapons drawn, the kids predictably freaked. All four of them booked it out of the emergency exit and scattered. No honor among thieves or something.

There wasn’t any need to say anything else. Each of the Mad Dogz picked a thief and sprinted after them. They didn’t even have a chance to split up. These kids had clearly skipped leg day.

The thief Leo had picked to chase was a beanpole. All height, and no muscle this kid. He tried to chuck the sack of stolen goods at Leo, which was too easy to dodge. Leo simply portaled the loot back to the jewelry store.

Seeing the mystic ability, the teen panicked even more. Now he was throwing back curses while he tried to run even faster.

Leo could just have him run into a portal and do a number of things to incapacitate him. But it felt so good to finally stretch his legs again after so long cooped up. Every step felt like he was shaking out the sore stiffness that came from the many weeks on bedrest he had spent.

It wasn’t like the thief was getting far. All it took was another minute, and Leo grabbed the third-rate villain by the arm and threw him into the alleyway. 

Easy peasy. And if it made Leo feel… well, powerful? Like he was back in control. To see the look of frustration as the teen realized he had lost and Leo had won? Then, there was nothing really wrong with that. Because Leo was strong. Took an L a couple of nights ago, but tonight he had officially bounced back. There was nothing that could hold him down for long.

“You!” The kid gritted out in a surprisingly deep and booming voice. Why had he gone into LARPing as a thief when he had such great projection? Broadway could really use

“YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!”

The reason why Leo didn’t see the pipe coming for his face was that he suddenly forgot how to see. It wasn’t even like he got hit that hard. Once again, this dude was showing just how immature and unprofessional he was.

He was absolutely trying his hardest though. Put everything he had into that swing that slammed into Leo’s jaw. Right by his chin. Points for effort, even if the form and technique were off. Leo would be sure to give him some sort of praise, once he remembered to breathe.

Get off the floor, Leo. Fight. You gotta fight. Don’t let this punk win! (He’s too strong, what’s the point?) This kid is nothing! (We threw everything we had at him and he flicked us away like we were nothing.) He’s going to hit you again if you don’t get up! (I can at least go out with a smile on my face. I can be like Raph doing that.) Move! Move Move Move Move (He ruined everything. For Casey and all the innocents of his timeline that got in the way of Leo showing off. For all the innocents of his own timeline who would forever have to deal with the consequences of Leo not getting out of his own way and actually listening and talking to his team. Ruined it for)

Raph?

The glowing projection of his big brother slammed into the teen, sending him flying down the alleyway head over heels.

Woah, Raph! That’s just a kid! No need to go so hard!

…Why hadn’t he said that? He had meant to. But, no words came out of his open mouth. Just quick breaths that had him breathing in the gross oil-contaminated puddle water of New York. The swirling dark colors looked like the random patterns of

“—Leo, please! Yeah! He’s over here! But there’s something wrong! I don’t know what I can do without making it worse for him though! C’mon, Leo! Say something! Talk ta’ me!!”

That was Raph? That scared sound? What? But… He wasn’t supposed to be here though. That was the whole point of why he told Casey to close the portal. Not only to not let them back out, but so that they couldn’t chase after them. Why was

“Raph! What are you doing?! Why-- Get him outta the water! Sit him up or something!”

“I-I don’t know where I should grab ‘em without--What if I hurt him just by--?”

“What’s going on--Leo?!”

They were all here? But they weren’t supposed to be. They were supposed to be safe. From Leo’s incompetency and mistakes and

“I--I don’t know what happened! He was just on the ground when--”

With love and care, Leo was quickly and forcefully yanked into an upright position. There was some sort of pressure and light with--

Oh. He had closed his eyes. Squeezed them shut. That’s why he hadn’t been able to see anything. He…haha, wooow. This was a new level of embarrassment. Had he really panicked that hard over a nobody like that?

Now Donnie was shining a light in his face with a worried expression. Mikey had the same look as he hovered behind him. Raph was out of his line of sight. He could only see his feet standing just out of view.

Leo yanked a smile on, “Woah, hey! Do we know if that guy plays baseball? Cause he’s got a killer swing--”

“What happened.” Donnie’s voice was so tight it sounded like he was speaking through a straw. “Why, how, Leo, did you--?”

“Dude got in a lucky shot!” Leo made himself laugh as he pushed Donnie’s hands away, refusing to let his own smile drop or to think too hard about what had happened, “All this fussing is just making my embarrassment worse. I’m fine. He surprised me more than anything.”

A small miracle was that he landed next to a wall. Mikey and Donnie were trying to help him stand back up, but he was fine!

If he stumbled and swayed for a few seconds, that was fine too! Just a few seconds! Leo had already forgotten he had even done it.

And there was Raph. He hadn’t left completely. Leo hadn’t disappointed him to the point where he would have to leave to blow off some steam. He was just, standing a good couple of feet down the alleyway. Staring at Leo with eyes that were too wide and shaking.

Was that a side effect of the damage that the Kraang left behind? Were Raph’s eyes able to get enough light now, or was he actually having trouble seeing? His chart had said that he had minimal damage that Draxum was helping with, but--

“Damn, Raph! You sent that guy flying!” Leo laughed, forcing himself to straighten up, “Do we even know where he landed, or did you Team Rocket him into a little star in the sky?”

“Wha--?” Raph blinked, voice a shaky whisper that Leo could barely hear. Or, that might be because Leo was still shaking off the static in his own head--

“Is he down there?” Leo tried to peer further down the dark path, “I’ll make sure Raph didn’t punch him inside out and then portal him into… ahh, I dunno. Where’d you guys leave the other three?”

Two shaky steps later and he was walking with style. Yessir, master walker right here. Like he’d been doing it all his life. Just like Luke Skywalker, but, for the ground. Groundwalker. Leo was so great at walking on the ground. He should do it more often. Wanted to do it more often, instead of falling or floating or bad thought--

Point was, he was able to pick back up his katanas in a fluid motion, check to make sure the rich robber would live, and portal somewhere embarrassing but safe. Didn’t have the brainpower left to think of somewhere clever. Mikey had called that ‘running out of spoons’, but Leo had a whole silverware set ready to go. Who needed spoons when he had these two great knives for

“Leo?” Ah, that was Raph again. Leo had been taking too long getting back. Probably. Brain felt a little scrambled at the moment. He missed the clarity or something that he had before. It was time to focus. Step up, and take this moment seriously.

Face the music. That’s two little missions Leo had now goofed up because he had wanted to take his time and play around.

Big breath,

He stood up sharply and turned around to face Raph. His older brother was still standing a bit away from him, squeezing his hands repeatedly like he didn’t know what to do with them.

“My bad,” Leo began, voice clear, “I was cocky. I could have stopped that guy quickly and easily. I even could have just portaled them to a police station back while they were still in the store. I’m sorry about that.”

Leo knew he still wasn’t good at genuine apologies.  But, he thought that one was okay. Especially considering his head was still ringing and spinning. 

But, his super cool and genuine apology had caused Raph to make this… awful face. His big brother looked like he was about to either cry or throw up. Maybe both at once. 

Raph’s voice was this shaky, awful thing two sizes too small for his big brother as he said, “What? No, Leo, you don’t got anything you have to apologize for. You were hurt, and you-you couldn’t call for help, right? That’s why you were…”

He knew he shouldn’t, but Leo felt his face sour as Raph rejected his apology, “Dude, I goofed this one. You don’t gotta try and deny it for my sake.”

“I’m not, Leo!” And there was Leo’s bombastic big brother, “Dangit! I’m just-- What were you-- How come--?”

“Like I said,” Leo was really trying his best here not to be snappy. He was supposed to be paying penance or something like that, “Got whacked real hard cause I got cocky and I took too long finishing up the fight.”

“But—!” And, something was wrong. Raph wasn’t getting angrier, like he was gearing up to give Leo another lecture like he expected. Instead, his face was getting sadder and sadder, “I don’t-- Leo, your eyes were open! You were just laying on the ground and--! And that guy was aboutta bash your face in, and you were just laying there. I thought that you--you-you looked like a--!”

Huh?

“Yeah, my eyes were open, dude,” He did not think about the swirling dark colors in the alleyway puddles, “Promise I wasn’t sleepin’ on the job or anything. Just, took too long to get back up. I really do appreciate the save.”

Now, this was supposed to be the part where Raph accepts Leo’s well-thought-out apology but begins the long lecture about responsibility and taking things seriously. Like a hero would.

That’s what was expected, but instead. Raph’s brow furrowed back into a familiar Raph Chasm, lips pursed into a thin disappointed line, and--where did Leo go wrong?

Did. Did Raph not accept his apology? He admitted he goofed! He figured out where he went wrong, and was making a real effort to be better! That’s what made a good apology good, right? He meant every word! Was--

Was that why Raph, or anyone else for that matter, hadn’t told him off? Did he not apologize right or something? 

Did they think he was lying? Didn’t they trust him?

“Glad you’re okay--safe! Leo!” Mikey popped up way too loudly, rushing forward to give Leo a hug that was way way too gentle, “Let’s go home and take care of your jaw!”

That wasn’t usually what they did post-mission. Even though the lower half of Leo’s face was throbbing with a white-hot burn like that kid had shoved an ice pick into his cheek.

Leo gave Mikey a quick noogie, “Wha? Naah, I’m good! Like I said, the dude mostly surprised me. I can keep going.”

It was then that Mikey’s hug got tight, “Keep going?” His voice was now doing that strange thin thing that Donnie had been doing before, “What do you mean? Keep going?”

He would have shrugged, but Mikey was hugging him reeaaally tightly now, “Uh, y’know. Thought we’d just do a whole patrol since we’re already here and stuff? Or, I can do it by myself if you guys wanna head back?”

“But,” Mikey’s voice had gone from thin to steel strong enough to withstand a direct nuclear blast, “You’re hurt. You need help.”

Wow, he must have looked pretty pathetic if Mikey was still hung up with him needing help. “What? Does my face look that bad right now? You saying I’m ugly?”

Now just like a charm, Mikey turned his face up to look at Leo ready to deny any such thing. Leo took the opportunity to shove his fingers into Mikey’s side, ruthlessly tickling his baby brother. Totally worth it to see that smile burst from Mikey’s face. 

His baby brother squealed and squirmed with laughter. This was life back to its usual stuff. All with Mikey screaming that he was being serious. To knock it off, Leo. Seriously!

Was he feeling the most amazing still? Nah, but, this was more than worth it. Life finally felt like how it was supposed to.

So of course, Leo stopped the good times from rolling. Roughhoused just a bit too hard with Mikey, got himself tangled up, and suddenly found himself falling with a one-way ticket to meet the ground face first.

But Mikey saved him, again. Grabbed Leo by the arm just before he could smack his head against the wet pavement.

This would normally end simply. With Leo thanking Mikey for the save. A quick apology for having things get out of hand, followed up by a quick diversion to go skateboarding.

Mikey winced in pain.

Leo kept his eye on that, even as he refound his footing. Watched as Mikey tried to subtly shake out any of the pain he was feeling while asking Leo if he was okay.

He had forgotten that this wasn’t normal.

Nothing was going to be normal again. Which is why Leo had to take stuff seriously now

“Sorry!” Leo blurted, much to Mikey’s shock and that wasn’t right either was it? No wonder no one was taking any of Leo’s apologies when they stank this badly. 

You can’t just apologize over and over for the same mistakes. That means you’re not really sorry, you just don’t care enough to change--

“I shouldn’t have done--I--I was goofing off. Not taking things seriously. My bad. I really am sorry.”

Mikey’s face wasn’t that of someone who was accepting an apology, but rather one of sad confusion as he replied, “Wha…? Leo, you’re--you don’t have to apologize for--”

“So, you’re right,” Leo turned in an about-face and threw up a portal so he wouldn’t have to look at Donnie or Raph, “I think we’re done for the night. Let’s just go home.”

If he expected doing that to make any positive change. Make Raph nod approvingly or brighten up Mikey. Well, none of that happened. Raph just slinked away while Mikey went to subtly ice his arms.

Donnie was the only one who didn’t let him off the hook.

“Med bay,” Was all the warning he gave as he pulled Leo by the hand into the train car like they were four years old again.

Leo tried not to gripe. That wasn’t what Raph would do. Just, “Wow, really? Mikey’s arms act up and he gets to go take care of them himself. I get whacked in the mouth once and--”

“Michael has demonstrated a great commitment and self-awareness to his well-being. I trust that he knows the best course of action to care for his arms. You on the other hand.”

Yikes. Leo wasn’t expecting to be told off here and now. Of all the times and places to do this.

But, he was also relieved. It was finally happening. At least with Donnie, they could be back on even footing--

Something shifted in Donnie’s expression as he turned back to Leo with medical supplies in hand. Even with his goggles down to scan him, it was clear that whatever he was going to say had changed drastically.

He dabbed a cotton ball in some antiseptic, picked it up with some tweezers, and lightly dabbed it on Leo. Yikes, he hadn’t even registered that hit had even broken skin. Guess Donnie really got him good in the ‘self-awareness’ department.

All Leo could do now was bite back a wince while waiting for Donnie to say whatever was clearly on his mind now. He watched as his twin's shoulders rose higher and higher while his mouth became thinner and thinner.

Or, was Donnie waiting for Leo to apologize? Was this another moment where Leo misread? Misread Donnie? That--Wow. That was impossible, but the fact that it even crossed his mind. Was

“You’re quiet,” Donnie said flatly, pressing a cold pack into Leo’s cheek. The sudden sensation finally got a surprised hiss out of Leo.

And that got Donnie to form a small smile. Well. At least he saw that one coming.

He gave a non-committal hum in response, “Yeah, well, I got my jaw whacked, so--”

“And how did that happen?”

Donnie was now all serious and-- Leo should swallow his pride and ask Donnie for lessons. The way that he was always so genuine with his emotions was always something that Leo admired but could never even attempt to mimic. He also knew he would rather swallow his entire comic book collection than admit such a thing so,

“Like I said, and keep saying, it was a lucky shot,” Leo grumbled and took the pack from Donnie, but the soft shell didn’t let go.

“Why weren’t you moving,” It wasn’t even really a question. Donnie’s voice was too flat, his expression too desperate, “Why weren’t you trying to get back up? Fight back?”

This was…

Donnie couldn’t lie. That was a truth more solid than the universe. Couldn’t dance around a topic or try to trick someone. He collects data when he’s stressed and wants to calm down. When he wants to be reassured he has all the information.

Leo needed to give it back to him. It’s what a good leader would do. So, what would be the truth of a good leader?

A good leader would have never been in that situation.

“Don’t worry,” He smiled, “I know what you’re thinking and I'm fine. It’ll take more than that to keep me down. I’m tougher than that.”

Donnie tensed up impossibly further, “It’s not about--!”

“I panicked, and I’m really really sorry about that,” Leo finally released in a rush. The admission had Donnie reeling back in confusion.

That wasn’t right. Leo apologized and it looked like it only made Donnie more stressed. How did Raph make it look so easy?

“Panicked? Was that some kind of-of panic attack? Are you having flashbacks? Episodes of dissociation? What was the trigger? What about--”

“Woah! Chiiill, dude--”

“Do not tell me to chill!”

The statement was punctuated with him slapping his hands on the cot with a loud wack. It was only then that Leo noticed that he was shaking slightly. Eyes squeezed tight like he was trying not to cry. What? Why? It’s not like any of them actually bought into his emotionless bad boy image, but what was there to get this upset about?

Leo blinked. A different flavor of panic slowly creeped back into his mind.

Was he… really having trouble reading Donnie? Donnie? No… That couldn’t be right. Like, yeah they could all pull tricks on one another. But for Leo to not get something that they were going through right now…

His twin pressed the palms of his hands into his eye sockets, “I don’t understand you right now! What happened to the idea that we work together as a team?! And then you go and--and--!”

Deep breath. Brace yourself. It’s time.

And he was being hugged. The moment Donnie opened his eyes and saw Leo’s face he was immediately enveloped. Panic took over as he felt his shoulder start to get wet.

Donnie took a wet breath, “We’re here for you, okay? Talk to us. We can help you. So you don’t have to come back here so fast.”

Aah, now he understood. Leo reset the clock. Back to the ‘you can’t get that mad at the injured dude’ again.

He was reading Donnie crystal clear now. That blow must have knocked his head about more than he thought.

This game he knew. Didn’t even need a script to read aloud all the things Donnie wanted to hear. How he was so sorry and would try harder. Mostly a repeat of his apology when he had last left the med bay.

But! He had learned from that one. He sprinkled in so many more “I’m fine” sayings and multiple “I promise I’ll let you guys know if I need anything” with plenty of jokes and silly meme references to show how relaxed he was trying to come off.

Because while in theory, it was tempting to milk this new injury for as long as he could, the time waiting for the other shoe to drop would be torture. No way he could enjoy going through that again. The quicker he got this over with, the quicker he could be back on solid ground. A good foundation to build up this new and improved Leo.

Time went on again. Healing happened, but that was the only thing that happened. 

No big speech to Leo about all the lives he messed up. Leo tried to keep an eye on his phone for articles about that. There were plenty of reporters and bloggers who would yell about the mutant menace and their supposed part in the invasion. Heated flame wars between those who said they were heroes or demons. It hurt to watch, but it felt like good practice. Someone yelling at you through a screen was different from someone yelling at you in real life.

And then Donnie yoinked his phone and ran off to his lab. Leo barely had time to get mad before remembering that he was supposed to not get mad at the dudes who were supposed to be mad at him when Donnie came back out a few minutes later. The dweeb had blocked his phone from the news media for a while. Said he was ‘doom scrolling.’

So that was a bust. He hadn't been doom-scrolling. All the scenarios and numbers Leo came up with in his head were almost always worse than reality.

Meanwhile, Raph was still so jittery being around him. Especially alone. 9999 times out of 10000 it was easy to figure out what was going on with Raph if he was keeping a secret. This time, Leo could only figure out half of it. 

All he knew was he was planning something, and that right there was weird enough as it was. The dude didn’t plan out punishments. That would be cringe! He was their brother, not some sort of school principal. Like, yeah, Leo got the message that this would warrant something more than a quick yell or a karate chop to the face. Not something that would take this long to execute.

Whatever the plan was, it wasn’t working for Raph. Countless times, he’d enter the training room while Leo was there. The snapper would march in with a determined look on his face. Then he’d take a deep breath

…

…

…

But nothing happened!

It was like Mind Raph kept selecting the move ‘splash’ or something. Leo was this close to not even stopping his katas anymore during the times his big brother stopped by to not say anything.

Aaaaand, that wasn’t what someone who had changed would do.

So every day, Leo smiled and laughed, and had a fun time with his brothers. And would smile expectantly and politely whenever Raph approached the training room. Did not blow up when Raph scurried away without a word.

Long story short, the waiting was getting to him.

His sleep schedule might have something to do with it. Even being as exhausted as he would be after a long day of training, and patrol when he didn’t catch his brothers making the world’s saddest eyes at him, he still had nightmares. Stuff that had him waking up in the middle of the night over and over, covered in sweat and his heart going a mile a minute. 

It would be great if there was a ‘worst part’ to all of this that he could focus on. Something he could remember from his dreams was that he could use this great real world he lived in to calm himself back down. But, no memories meant he was just left in a sweaty bed with a feeling that something very very bad was happening. Thank goodness this vague feeling did not haunt him during the day!

And then one nightmare, when he woke up, Mikey was there.

Dude was standing over him. Caught, hand still extended and ready to grasp his shoulder. Eyes triple their normal size.

“...”

“...”

“Good morning.” 

“It’s like,” Leo squinted as he turned on his phone, “Dude, it's like, three in the morning.”

Mikey nodded. His eyes were still huge, and his blank face was now sweating. 

“I said what I said.”

Logic finally caught up with Leo as, 

“Were you watching me sleep--”

“No!”

“Dude!”

“I wasn’t!”

Gone was the feeling of weird dread. Now, Leo had to mess with his baby brother. Stay right on his tail as Mikey scurried away. He claimed he was just going to the kitchen for an early morning snack and he could just go back to sleep so sorry for waking him up but it looked like he was having a nightmare anyway so maybe

“Michael.”

Deep breath. He shouldn’t be short with him. This was a sign he had officially gone too long with no sleep. 

Mikey looked off to the floor, fiddling with his hands as he whispered, “Uhm, hey, you’re not mad at me, right?”

Wha

Was he being serious right now he was wasn’t he what the

“I--Well, I’ve been working and--” He tried to continue and, no.

“What the hell are you talking about.”

He hoped he wasn’t coming off as mad. Please.

“It’s just,” Mikey was muttering now, with an expression that could only be described as guilty and why was, “I know that, you know, you were relying on me and stuff. And like… I know I took a while getting you out and everything. So, like, I get if you blame me for how you got all hurt and--”

“WHAT!”

Hugging Mikey. Even though he wanted to scan his dumb and amazing baby brother’s face to find out where this could have come from. He needed to be hugging him. Comforting him and reassuring him until he had purged every trace of that thought from his mind.

And he was being hugged back. Mikey was shaking, just like how Donnie had been a while back after that botched mission in the med bay. The harder Mikey squeezed, the more Leo felt his heart rip in two.

“Cause!” Mikey took in the wettest gasp of breath, “That’s what--what the plan was, right? That’s what you were trying to tell me when you put your hand on my shoulder and--and you couldn’t say it right out because the others wouldn’t have agreed to it. But! You believed in me! That I would get you out! And I took--I took so long and--!”

“Mikey! Michael, you did perfectly. Mikey, hey, I’m so proud of you buddy. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He was being hugged impossibly tighter (and that was Mikey’s specialty. Pulling off the impossible like it was easy) and choked out, “I’m sorry…”

“You’re good, you’re so good. You have nothing to be sorry for, Angelo. You’re so good. You’re amazing.”

He didn’t go in there with the plan that Mikey would pull him out. This was something he was planning on taking to his grave. 

So they just stayed like that. Leo carried his baby brother over and turned on a random channel. They both fell asleep. Neither of them had any dreams that night.

Leo was determined to show how seriously he was taking his second lease on life after that. Mastered dodging sad eyes to go on patrol. Never missed a training session, even when he was the only one who showed up to them (or even knew about them but that was besides the point.)

What the point was was that Leo was doing good. Doing so good, he could almost assume that the reason why he hadn’t gotten his ass handed to him on a silver platter yet was because of what a perfect job he was doing now. So great, one could be led to thinking it made up for anything that he’d done. Showing his family that there was no need to punish him when he could do it for them.

More mutants were popping up. The most recent one was at the aquarium. A tank cleaner had been mutated with one of those giant octopuses. Or so it seemed like from the panicked posts the employees had been making on social media. Now the new mutant was doing some sort of hostile takeover. This is why Leo quickly portaled over there to stop her.

So then, could someone please explain to him why he had found Raph in the middle of this mission?

“What am I doing here?!” Raph hissed back as they argued in the vents, “What are you doing here?!”

“I’m trying to take care of this as fast as possible!” Leo retorted, not thinking about how much he hated being in tight spaces like these or how he hadn’t had a face-to-face conversation with Raph like this in weeks, “This isn’t a situation that calls for our usual stunts! There were hostages here!”

Raph blinked, “Were?”

“Yeah,” Leo said, trying to make out Raph’s expression in the dark, “I already portaled them away. Now we just have to find that octopus lady and

It was cliche. How that was the perfect moment for a slimy tentacle to wrap around Leo’s ankle and yank hard. The last thing he saw of Raph was his terrified face. Trying to get him before falling through the flimsy vents into… something.

Whatever it was, Leo’s mind was more than happy to supply every worst case scenario. Alligators, jellyfish, sharks, piranhas, more mutants that he somehow missed other dangers that he missed Raph Raph Raph wait no Raph RAPH!

With whiplike force, he was thrown into a large and empty tank. Other tentacles grabbed his katanas, throwing them to the other side of the room.

Instantly, Leo was running at the walls of this glass enclosure. Trying to climb out, break free, something! But there was nothing in this tank, and the walls were too high. Was it being cleaned or something? What was

No

Nononono he left Raph again. Left Raph behind to deal with something. Left him again while he was here and fine and he was trapped in this Donnie Pod again--!

There was a small part in the back of his mind that whispered that he was probably the one in more danger right now. That the rumbling he was feeling was most likely Raph tearing the place apart trying to find him. But, that could also be Raph trying to fight off some enemy without help and maybe he was getting skewered or infected with some alien parasite or

“You’re a red-eared slider?” A warped voice said.

The newly made mutant slithered into view. She seemed boneless with the way she moved. Her new eight arms gripped to everything like some sort of aquatic Spider-Man. Leo didn’t know if it was good or bad that she still had a mostly human form with some octopus parts added on. No matter how you looked at her, she was unnatural in a way that didn’t look right. Like she had to keep moving, always trying to find some way to position all of her limbs to be comfortable.

Leo vaguely remembered that her name was Tiffany Waters. The only employee not accounted for after portaling everyone else away. That, or this was some unlucky patron who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Tiffany opened her beak to try and speak again, “Why are you fighting me? I’m doing this to help marine life like you! Do you know about what they were doing here? All of the smuggling? The illegal dumping?”

Okay. He could work with this. Time to taunt. Just keep calm.

Deep breath. “What, you think you’re some kind of hero?”

The woman turned to look at him, probably. It took a concerningly long time to figure out where her eyes were.

“I’m more of a hero than they were!” Tiffany yelled, “At least I’m doing something!”

“Oh, yeah,” Leo had his voice dripping with the sarcasm that would always set his family on edge, “Big hero move! Tying people up in a flooding tank. You’re not doing this for anyone but yourself. You’re not the type to make a real sacrifice.”

That definitely did something. Her bright pink body rippled with red anger as she spat, “Sacrifice?! Do you know how many hours I spent keeping this place afloat?! How many unpaid months I spent making sure we didn’t close down, while he took paid overseas vacations?!”

Yup. This whole thing had been a revenge job for her.

“Spare me the dramatic blah blah blah,” He made a big show of rolling his eyes, “All you’ve told me is that you’re a doormat who can’t speak up for herself. Hiding behind the excuse that you love animals.”

Her form rippled again, a pale pink until she was perfectly camouflaged.

“Shut up.”

“Come on!” Leo sneered, slightly surprised at how mean he sounded. He was trying to be more annoying than mean here. “If you really cared, you would have taken an actual stand. But, you just let your boss walk all over you. And, that’s what you’re still doing! You’re still weak and scared. Hiding in the shadows. You can’t do the real, serious work.”

That finally did it. With a nearly invisible tentacle, she pulled Leo out of the tank and slammed him into the ground. 

Step one of get out of the tank was complete. It was hard to remember what step two was as she used all of her limbs to squeeze the life out of him.

“I’ll show you how serious I am!” She hissed in his ear, before rearing back and biting him at the base of his neck with her freaky beak.

The world went white hot with pain. Sensations overtaking him that were so strong he didn’t realize he was screaming until she backed away. Something akin to shock was on her face.

“Wait, hold on--I--I didn’t mean to do that!” She wiped off her beak and looked at it before looking at Leo again, “I was just—! You—! Wait. How old even are you?”

He couldn’t answer even if he wanted to. Couldn’t even try to put pressure on the small puncture wound. It was burning and stabbing and clawing through him. The pain kept going deeper and sharper and make it stop please—

It wasn’t until he saw her slithering away that a thought was able to make its way through the pain. 

She was getting away

No

Nonononono she couldn’t get away who knows who she’ll hurt out there. She was getting away and who knows what she’d do and she might summon the technodrome and bring in the others no not again anything but that—!

He had to move. It didn’t matter that he felt like he was being filled with fire. He had to stop her. Even though it took everything just to roll off his back. 

The world was shaking and rumbling beneath him. But he had to grit his teeth and go. Any way possible. Even if he couldn’t get his feet under him and everything hurt and wouldn’t stop—

He could crawl. Grit his teeth and move. Swallow his scream and MOVE

His vision went blurry in the worst way. Like that one time Leo tripped and fell past Mikey’s oil painting. All the colors and shapes of the world were blending together. 

That didn’t stop him from instantly recognizing Raph when he came smashing in through the wall. What a sight Leo must be. All that work he’d done trying to… do something. Prove himself? Absolve himself?

Big hands were hovering around him as his big brother called out, “Leo! Oh, shit! Leo! What happened?! How do I—?!”

With everything he could muster, he pointed in the direction the mutant went. If he could have, he would have mind-melded with Raph to show him the plan. But all he could barely do was stay on his hands and knees, trying to gesture to the window and say, 

“Went… that way…”

Raph looked towards where he was pointing, before shaking his head, “What are you--No, Leo we can deal with her later. Tell me how to help you! What do I--Leo…”

His voice went marshmallow soft at the end there. It took everything Leo had to start running through a mental list of what could have caused that. In the end, he heard his breath catching before he felt the tears on his face.

If it hurt any less he might have been able to care about it more. But the pain just kept increasing. He vaguely wondered if octopus were poisonous. That would make his inability to withstand this a little less embarrassing. Would help explain why it felt like the area around his neck was being peeled back layer by layer.

He was officially spent. What little strength he had to hold himself up to point was gone. The only reason why he didn’t crumble to the floor like a pathetic sack of potatoes was because Raph caught him. Still, his head went limp with exhaustion and moved the wound on his neck and he screamed--

“I know! I know I know I’m sorry Leo I-I don’t know what to do! I’m sorry!”

The pain was coming in pulsating waves that he could barely hear his brother over. Waves that Leo could barely keep his own head above. He needed to act. Move. Or it would keep pulling him under. And Raph needed him. Leo needed to help Raph.

“Bandaid!” Leo gasped, “Pressure!”

Raph had already been trying to get into his pack, but Leo’s words helped him move with double the speed. Unwrapping a sterile cloth bandage, Raph pressed it down on the wound--

The world whited out again. There was a ringing sound that took Leo an embarrassingly long time to figure out was his own cries. The other sound was Raph, going,

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry you told me to do it I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t want to hurt you I’m sorry I’m so sorry they made me do it I’m so sorry I’m sorry!”
Leo didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t help Raph. He was making things awful for him again. All he could do was gasp and cry.

He reached out to Raph. He would fix this. Please.

The next couple of minutes were weird and hazy and Leo tried his best not to remember them.

There hadn’t been that much blood. The wound clotted up in less than five minutes, and then Raph was safe to carry Leo around like the most dramatic brother in history.

He vaguely remembered Raph calling Splinter and feeling mortified with embarrassment but being powerless to stop it (an unwanted running theme in his life’s movie which director approved this script?)

Pops directed them to Draxum’s. Yay. But what was a real yay was Draxum had mystic painkillers. Raph already knew this. He told a currently mystically loopy Leo wearing a fresh bandage that this was what they had been on after the invasion. 

The sensation was like jumping into a pool after running across the hot concrete. Except the relief was all over his body instead of just the soles of his feet. His mind now felt like he was floating in a calm pool. The pool called, “No Longer Feeling That You Are Being Burned Alive From The Inside Out.” That was Leo’s favorite pool.

There was some talking in the background. Draxum explained that yes, Leo had been poisoned and no, his life had not been in danger. The poison wasn’t enough to kill, just to hurt. And Leo was the one who did not take it like a champ.

Last memory before having the best sleep in so long was the walk home. Because Draxum didn’t have a portal set up for the new lair and Raph wouldn’t let Leo try to make a portal in his current condition.

That’s what broke through the haze. His current condition. He was going to reset the clock so far back on his time. They were gonna see him, and then everything would go back to Leo second guessing everything they did or said and

“Leo, hey, what’s wrong? Are the drugs wearing off? Are you hurting again?”

He needed to walk. Or sneak in. Something to show them he was fine and that they could continue with whatever plan they had going. What would not help would be Leo squeaking out in the world’s most broken whisper, “I don’t want them to see me like this…”

“Okay… you got it buddy.”

He didn’t get it.

“I don’t want--!”

“Hey,” Raph said, expertly adjusting his hold, so that if anyone did see them then they wouldn’t see Leo’s neck, “No one’s gonna see you if you don’t want’em to. I promise. Trust me.”

Leo did. Completely and truly.

No one saw them as Raph carried him to his bed to sleep this off.

He did feel better in the morning because anything was better than that. Now, his neck and right shoulder ached like he had gotten stuck in Hueso’s dough maker, but now he could make do with some ibuprofen and ice. Now he could wear turtlenecks (ha! GET IT?) around the lair and talk about how cozy he was. 

And still. Nothing happened. 

It didn’t seem like Raph snitched. The others were too suspicious. If they already knew, they wouldn’t be second-guessing his every decision like this. 

Raph didn’t say anything to anyone, including Leo. Didn’t tell him off for going on a solo mission that should have been a team play, or for letting the villain get away cause she got one good bite in, or how he broke like that over that one bite.

As hard as he tried, he could feel himself icing over in anger and frustration. Anger towards himself, and frustration towards the others. He needed something to happen already.

So it made sense that the thing to finally break the ice was Raph getting on him later that week for training on the punching bag. Well… maybe ‘getting on’ was an exaggeration. What Raph said was,

“Are you sure you should be doing that? Cause, you’re still in a lot of pain. So--”

Leo could almost hear the ice cracking, or that might have been his teeth grinding together.

“Oh. Wow. Yeah. One bite and Leo gets placed back on bed rest, huh? The prison dimension got me 3 months, so I’ll need at least double that for a bite.”

“What!” Raph shouted, and he could hear him coming closer. Leo doubled his punching speed, “It wasn’t just a bite! Draxum said that it had some sort of venom or toxin thing, that made it really painful! That’s why you were hurting so badly!”

“Mmm.” Leo gritted his teeth, “Still one bite, and I went down. Gotta go crying to my big brother cause I rushed into a fight I couldn’t handle. Again.”

“Leo, what—?”

He switched to kicking the shit out of the bag.

“Is that why you tracked me down? Oh, Leo’s gone off to get himself into trouble again. I better go and pull him out before he does something stupid. There’s no way he’d be able to make this work without messing it up! Guess what! You were right!”

His shoulder burned and it made the fury in his veins run colder. He was on a roll now.

“Guess the only good thing that happened was that you didn’t have to take a hit for me this time, huh? Didn’t have to push you to take another injury for my dumbass. I took the hit and went crying like a baby to you instead of finishing the job.”

“Leo—”

“Some leader I am, right? Couldn’t dig deep and push forward.”

“Stop—”

“Just made the situation worse for everyone.”

“C’mon—”

“No one can call me a hero now!”

“GOOD!”

It felt like he’d finally, finally, been punched back.

Looking at Raph, he was pale and breathing heavily. Like he’d been sparring as long as Leo had been.

The wait was finally over.

“Yeah,” Leo stepped away from the bag and started walking towards the snapper, “I’m not a hero, am I, big brother?”

“Listen to me” Raph’s voice was thin and desperate, “I’m—”

“Can’t be a hero if I’m just fixing the mistakes I made.” Leo was on a roll now. 

“That’s not—”

“Don’t back down now Raph. That isn’t your style!” He was finally face to face with him, “C’mon, tell me how I’m not a hero. How my recklessness puts not just the entire team, but the entire world in danger. Tell me how disappointed and-and upset, and angry you are! Just—”

Leo took Raph’s hand and made it into a fist. Softly placed the knuckles against his cheek. 

“Just—Please, get it over with already. I can’t take it anymore.”

The expression on his big brother’s face was like he had stabbed him. He looked more hurt by this than he had been by when the Kraang got him.

“Leo—”

If they went back to awkward silences after this, he might literally explode. He wasn’t above begging.

“I dunno what—Is this what you’ve been waiting for? Okay! I admit it! I’m not a hero. No matter how hard I try. So, just do it already! Yell! Hit me-- something! I screwed up with the invasion and I never did anything good except when I did my one actual hero move—”

“NO!”

Raph’s face was ashen. He hadn’t looked this horrified… ever, in Leo’s memory.

“Leo…” He spoke the words with raw disbelief, “What are you… Do you—You want me to hit you?”

“Don’t act like you don’t wanna, or that I don’t deserve it.”

“You don’t! Why—”

“I KILLED THOSE PEOPLE UP THERE.”

The silence that followed wasn’t deserved. This wasn’t some grand revelation to be shocked over. It was a common fact.

“I got you captured,” Leo counted his sins like there was a number large enough that could encompass them all, “I got the portal reopened. Twice. Donnie’s shell and Mikey’s hands are scarred to shit. I fucked up your eye and made it so you can’t sleep right. And—you don’t need me to tell you this! You know this! That’s why you haven’t been able to look at me! So just! Look, please. Is this what you’ve been waiting for? Me paranoid and desperate for the hammer to fall? Is this how you felt watching me goof off as leader? Knowing I was one bad mistake away from—STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!”

Looking at him with concern and fear and so much care and love. And Leo was being serious! Here he was, laying himself open and Raph had the nerve to still look so--

“Leo. I’m not mad at you—”

“BULL. SHIT.”

“I’m not!” Raph grabbed his head in raw desperation. He looked like he was trying to find the right words, “I’m— scared for you? Sure. Worried about you? Constantly. But—”

Leo made a tsk sound and glared, “You cannot be serious right now. No way I do all that damage and get off scot-free.”

“That wasn’t you!” Raph threw up his hands in exasperation, “And, you didn’t get off ‘scot free’ you got the shit kicked outta you in a prison dimension!”

“I—Is…” The worst case scenario made itself right at home as a hot coal in Leo’s stomach, “Don’t pity me Raph, don’t you hold back on me out of pity cause I got messed up that’s not why I did that plan and you know it!”

“Good!” He shouted, finally beginning to look angry, “Raph would be more upset if it was! And it’s not pity!”

“Then what is it, huh?” The sarcasm from his voice was dripping, “So Leo gets a little roughed up so we gotta treat him with kid gloves? Too fragile to tell him off now? I can take—”

“YOU! DIED! ”

The words were shouted loudly enough to echo throughout the lair. Folks on the topside had to have heard them. These words that were able to pull all the air out of the world.

Is that what Raph really thought?

“No,” Leo finally managed to say, “I didn’t. I—”

“You stopped breathing.” Now Raph looked like he was admitting his sins, “Three times. Once on the way back from Staten Island. Donnie and I had to give you CPR and he did that shocking thing on you. Then, Draxum said it happened again while he was treating you. And then you were in a coma. About a week in, it happened again in the middle of the night. If I hadn’t been awake watching you then…”

That sounded… like Leo should be more scared about this information than he thought. 

"Look, I'm sorry about that--"

"You don't gotta be sorry about that--"

"But. I'm fine now. Okay?” Leo tried to physically wave away any dark thoughts that might be growing, “Things can go back to normal now. Lemme apologize, and you can like, smack me upside the head, call me an idiot, something. And then we can be good, right?"

"Leo--"

It wasn’t working. If Leo could beg, he could also be desperate.

"Cause, yeah, I went through a close call. That doesn't make up for anything though. You know as well as I do that if I had found a solution that hadn't involved me getting the shit beaten outta me, you would have filled those three weeks with lectures. All of you guys would have already told me off. So, do that already. Cause if you don't, that means the reason why you're not is pity and I won't take that. Especially not from you, Raph."

Raph’s expression slowly shifted to something calm and final while Leo was speaking. He took a deep breath and asked, "What do you want from me, Leo?"

"Something!” Leo was pleading now, and that was fine as long as it got results, “Yell! Shout! Tell me how I'm not a hero and I don't take things seriously enough! That my goofing off helped lead to countless lives being lost! Caused my family pain that they will have for the rest of their lives. That-That I don't listen! That I'm immature and that I still don't get it! And that-that..."

"..."

"And that you still love me anyway. That I'm still your little brother."

There was something behind Raph’s eyes that broke at the words. But, Leo couldn’t look at him directly after that kind of admission.

A deep breath. Raph calmly sat down and motioned for Leo to join him. “Okay, Raph thinks he's getting what you're getting at here. So, you tell me what you specifically think I should hit you for, and we'll go from there."

This seemed like the most roundabout way to go about this, but he would take it.

Deep breath, “Well, like I said. I lost the key--”

“Raph already got you for that one,” The snapper countered easily, “Told you off and punched you through a wall for that. I don’t feel like yelling at you twice for something. Try again.”

Well. That was annoying. Fine. Leo could play this game and win.

"I went after the key when you ordered a retreat."

"... Yeah, I thought that was a dumb move. But I’ve had a lotta time to think about it, and I can admit that things probably would'a been a lot worse if you hadn't done that."

"Bullshit!” Leo hissed, “I got you skewered--"

"Raph put himself in the line of fire--"

"Yeah, for me!"

"Yeah. And that was the right move. I'd do it again. Would you rather I hadn't?"

Honestly? He would. Leo didn’t even have to do a lot of soul-searching for that one. But he also knew when he was in check. That he couldn’t say that answer to Raph. And Raph knew it as well.

"... So, what else?"

This stuff was getting harder and harder to admit. Which was probably part of the point.

"When I was leading the others to come to rescue you, I charged into enemy territory with the plan of 'just push forward' and ignored everyone else when stuff started to go south. Almost got Donnie and Mikey and Casey Jr crushed."

"Mmm, yeah, that sounds like a bad idea." He breathed out.

They were finally making progress.

"So. If I had come up with a better plan, we might have gotten to you before you could be Kraang'd--"

But then Raph held up a hand to cut him off, "We're not talking about 'what-ifs' here."

"But--!"

"Yeah, you executed a dumb plan back there, but you were also panicking. You were really worried about me, right? Glad you realize your mistake. I'm sure things will go better next time."

He said all that so calmly and easily. Like Leo ate some food with his name on it and just didn’t see it before it was too late. Something small and simple and not life-threatening stupid.

"Raph--"

"That's how I honestly feel.” The snapper simply shrugged, “I don't wanna speak for the others, but I bet you a lifetime supply of pizza they feel about the same."

This was another dead end for Leo. He fought not to get irrationally mad as Raph asked.

"So, what else?"

"I didn't save you before you got Kraang'd. You got tortured for saving my shell, and I couldn't rescue you in time."

Saying that felt like he was turning his soul inside out.

"Mmm,” Raph hummed aloud, looking up for a moment before, “Yeah, but Raph puts that under the cost of saving you when you got the key."

This dude…

“Raph…” Leo gritted his teeth before he was interrupted again.

"I'm serious!” He held up his hands with his face the picture definition of sincere honesty, “I wouldn't have changed anything I did there. So. What else?"

How much longer could this go on? Deep breath and, "I let Kraang'd-You give the key back to the Kraang."

That at least got Raph to look more serious and take his own deep breath in and out before, "So, Raph doesn't remember much of that time. Donnie told me the first thing I did was sucker punch you."

Leo nodded, "Yeah, but, that wasn't you."

The smile on his face was disgustingly rueful, "Raph appreciates that. And so, if that's the case, then it's not my fault that the Kraang got the key back?"

"No!" Leo yelled, desperate for his words to mean something.

But his desperation wasn’t needed. His big brother easily smiled and replied, "Then, it's not your job to have stopped me."

"No, no no!” Why did his words keep having the wrong effect?! Leo tried again, “I-I froze up when I should have--"

"You stayed safe after I proved hostile. Regrouped, and formed an actual plan. You didn't do what you did before by just pressing forward. That was good. You did good." Raph said, looking proud.

"But I should have--"

"Then Raph should have regained control earlier."

"Raph--"

As easily as if he was ordering pizza, Raph kept barreling on through, "If you don't blame me for the things I did because of them. Then, I don't blame you for this. You helped me regain control as fast as you could. That's all I could ask for. Now. What else."

"... I sent Donnie and Mikey to deal with a Kraang alone. Donnie has nerve damage on his shell because of that."

"...mmm, yeah. Donnie and Mikey already told me about that. You went to deal with me by yourself. I almost want to be offended that you thought you could deal with me by yourself, but you did. Your plan got the Kraang's attention divided, moved the Technodrome, and led to me regaining control."

"But, I could have--!"

"No 'what-if's- remember?"

"But!" Leo tried again.

"I would have preferred not to almost snap your neck. But. I'm just glad we're both still here."

Leo couldn’t argue with that. But still flinched when Raph asked again.

"What else?"

None of these should be harder to admit than any of the previous ones. But something about admitting this hurt particularly bad.

"...Mikey's hands--"

And Raph responded with the same ease, saying, "Same with me saving you. Was a cost Mikey was willing to pay. We helped him. Would do it again."

How could he keep saying this?

"Would you rather he hadn't?" And Leo couldn’t lie to that.

"I-I dunno! I-!” 

But he couldn’t answer it either.

Raph seemed to get that as he took over the conversation, “Hey. I'm glad you're back. If there could have been a less painful way to get you back, we would'a. But. No 'what-ifs' And… I've thought. About being mad. I was a little mad. At times. Back while you were still in a coma. That I wish you hadn't gotten away from me grabbing the key. That I wished I hadn't gone through all of that, that none of us could have gone through that. And it was so close to being avoided."

"..."

"But. Like I said. No use dwelling on 'what-ifs' and, I already told you off on that. And, the biggest point of all that I realized: I don't want to be mad at you Leo."

"Why not?” Leo whispered, fearing the response, “I'm mad at me."

A large and ever faithful arm was put around his shoulder, but he couldn’t look up at the face who did it as Raph answered, "I know. And, it's not pity. Maybe it's... I dunno, fear? Leo, you scared the shell offa me. I don't pity you for what happened, I'm scared that it'll happen again. That I won't be able to pull you outta danger, and that our last real conversation will be a fight we never settled."

He had been so scared about that as well.

"Leo. I'm... I'm scared to say proud because I hated you being up there. Thinking you might never come back down. Like we lost you forever. I hadn't been so scared in so long... I'm... I'm proud that you're here. That not only did you find a way to save the day, but that you're alive. And, I'm just... I've always been scared that being heroes could get you guys killed. But I was even more scared that it would happen because you thought I told you to--"

He leaned into Raph and hugged his knees before he whispers, "I was scared too. I... But, it doesn't seem fair. That all those bad things happened to all those people, and I'm not even punished for it."

Raph closed his eyes and thought for a moment, before answering, "Maybe it's not fair. I dunno. But, I don't really care. All I want is you alive and safe. So, if that isn't fair, then I'm okay with that. And, I'll beat up anyone who says you deserve any more bad things to happen to ya."

“But—”

“Nope. That’s it.” He opened his eyes and spoke in that way that meant there was no changing his mind, “Raph isn’t angry at ya, ‘cause I don’t want to be. Don’t care if it’s fair or not. Who’s gonna make me? The law? I’ll just eat it.”

“Pffft, Raph—”

“You don’t think I will? I’ve eaten bigger things for far far less.”

“Raph!” He couldn’t stop the laughter that kept bubbling up over his words, “I’m being serious here!”

Leo was. He was always serious now. But Raph could see him fighting a smile at his dumb joke. It made the snapper smile with double the force.

“Yeah, sure are, Mr. Serious,” Raph started lightly jabbing Leo in the sides and surprising more laughs outta him. Just like Leo had done to Mikey in the alley, “Oooh, look out! He’s serious folks!”

“I-I am!” Leo insisted through his laughter.

Raph stops, and Leo looks at him. He hopes that he knows that the tears in his eyes are from laughter and not from--

“It‘s great you’re serious, Leo. Just. Be you. You don’t gotta be pushing yourself so hard or giving up everything fun.”

“But—”

“Do it together, and listen to your team, okay? Your team is happy with you Leo. Spend some time being our brother for a bit.”

That tough feeling building in Leo’s chest with every admission finally reached its peak. It’s silly. He had been so silly. In typical Leo fashion.

They hadn’t been mad at him. Duh. His family couldn’t hide an emotion even when their literal lives depended on it. Why would he think…

They weren’t mad at him…

He was smiling so big it shook his whole body as he buried himself into a patented Raph hug. Didn’t know why Raph was trying to shush him now as he calmly stroked his shell. Leo didn’t need comfort. He was happy! Elated! This was great news! Leo was wrong!

“We love you.” Raph whispered, “You’re good bud, it’s okay.”