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JJ didn’t know what to do. BAU gate was no longer BAU gate. It was inJure fear Jean. A website dedicated to her - doing things she couldn’t even imagine ever doing. She was sick. She couldn’t get the images or the videos- even the goddamn noises- out of her mind. Every step she took she felt like she’d fall over from the gravity of the situation. She couldn’t cope.
Sitting in the round table room, she made sure to keep her arms covered because the situation had become more than mental. She hated to admit it but as soon as she found out about Holly, well, she couldn’t get it off her mind. She had done it the night before and it was red and scarred now. She didn’t know why she did it really. She wanted to ease the pain but she was addicted to the distraction now. Not only that but she knew she had no one else to get her pain out of. No one else knew. No one would listen to her, she had no other outlet.
“JJ,” she heard from Emily, a voice so soft, so concerned. But she shook it off, no one had to be concerned about her, they were busy enough. She went on about the cameras in the parking garage but didn’t really hear herself. It all sounded distant and distorted. Although she was in the room, living, breathing, she felt mentally far away.
“Em,” she called out quickly as Tara and Luke left the room. “You got a sec?”
Emily gave her the soft eyes. Did she know? No, she can’t know.
“Sure, what’s up?” She asked, in a tone that a mum would almost speak to a child. JJ sighed and went to speak, fiddling with her sleeves.
“Excuse me, Emily?” Tyler Green said. JJ’s stomach sank. “I need to speak to you and Rossi, it’s urgent.”
“Not now,” Emily said, waving her arm to dismiss the intruder.
“Gold star. Urgent.” JJ’s stomach sank further. She knew she had no way to tell her now, even if she didn’t know what to say at least she could try and cry for help. She hated what she had done to herself and she hated that she wanted to do it again. Emily stammered and turned to the blonde who stood there, hurting everywhere.
“It can wait,” JJ stuttered. It could. She wasn’t important. What she had done wasn't important. Emily backed off and JJ headed to the bathroom. She needed to be sick. Her heart was pounding. She couldn’t swallow the ball in her throat, it had to come out.
She dropped to her knees after slamming the cubicle door. She gripped the toilet bowl so hard her knuckles went white as she gagged over the toilet. Nothing came up. The images from the site fled through her mind like old film and she squeezed her eyes shut, hoping it would help.
“Go away,” she pleaded, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Get out of my head!” She screamed through gritted teeth. The sobs came in hard and fast. JJ couldn’t catch her breath. She put her sleeve between her mouth so she wasn’t too loud - she didn’t want to cause attention.
After throwing up, JJ flushed the toilet and sat on the floor. Slowly, she peeled up her sleeves to reveal the red, scarred cuts on her wrist. A teardrop fell onto it and she sighed heavily. What had she done? Why wouldn’t it go away? She wondered if this was what her sister had felt. Was she letting Roslyn down or would Roslyn understand?
Her phone dinged in her pocket with a message from Luke, Sydney and the kids had arrived. She sighed and got up from the floor. She pulled her sleeves far down, over her hands, touching her fingernails. She turned the lock and paused, she couldn’t look at herself in the mirror but she had to, to make sure she looked presentable. She took a deep breath and pulled open the door and headed towards the sinks. Quickly, she glanced at her face to make sure no evidence of crying was there. There wasn’t. She then grabbed a cup of water in her hand to wash her mouth out. She popped in some chewing gum from her pocket and headed out of the bathroom like nothing was wrong. Like her whole life wasn’t falling apart.
After speaking to Holly, it was all she wanted to do. Punish herself, get out of her own mind, distract herself. But she couldn’t. She had to be there for Sydney and the girls.
“You can call us anytime,” JJ said to Sydney as she went to walk away. Sydney nodded and walked off.
“How are they doing?” Emily asked, coming up behind JJ.
“Erm,” JJ couldn't find the words to say. How could they be doing really? Their lives had fallen apart just like hers had. “I think they’re gonna be okay,” she said nonetheless.
“How ‘bout you?” JJ asked. She wasn’t really bothered, she just wanted to keep the attention away from herself. Emily went on an angry rant about Brian and JJ nodded along, it all sounded so stressful for Emily. She didn’t want to add to that stress.
“Hey, what did you want to talk about?” Emily asked, her anger almost dissipating.
“Oh,” JJ forgot she even asked. “Nothing. It’s not important,” she whispered.
“Okay,” Emily said she sending a small smile before walking off - leaving JJ standing in the bullpen alone. She wasn’t important. What she was going through wasn’t important. She had to do it now.
She headed to the bathroom with her head down and hands over her sleeves. She pushed open the cubicle door and slid to the floor. She pulled out the small knife from her pocket and rolled up her sleeves. She didn’t want to think anymore. She didn’t want to breathe anymore. She wanted to be away, be out. Be gone. She didn’t matter. No one would care. They were all so busy, they wouldn’t even notice her gone. She was numb.
She was so numb she didn’t hear the sound of the door opening or the small call out for her name. She didn’t notice the cubicle door opening or Emily dropping down beside her.
“JJ,” Emily cried and grabbed her hands. “JJ, stop,” she said. JJ’s hands were shaking and tears streamed down her cheeks, landing on the blood caking her arm. “JJ. JJ, stop. Baby, stop.” Emily said again. JJ snapped out of it then. Her head shot up and she looked at Emily through teary eyes.
“JJ,” Emily cooed. She came in closer and shut the cubicle door so they wouldn’t be disturbed. It was a tight fit but Emily didn’t care.
“What are you doing here?” JJ asked, barely above a whisper.
“I realised how much you needed me. You said it’s not important but it is. JJ you’re so important,” Emily replied. She cupped the younger girl's face and JJ shut her eyes tight as she shook her head.
“Not for this. Not- not more important than Gold Star or Brian or the”
“JJ, you are the most important thing in this world,” Emily said, her own eyes filling with tears.
“They used me, Em,” JJ sobbed, remembering the website.
“I know Jay, I know.”
“They used my face and they abused it. They made me-” She couldn’t finish her sentence. “My body isn’t mine anymore. I don’t know who I am.”
Emily turned and took JJ into her arms, holding her tighter than she ever had before. JJ gripped her friend’s top for dear life as if she might change her mind and leave her alone again.
“I’m so sorry JJ,” Emily whispered and ran her fingers through JJ’s soft, blonde, long hair. “I’m here now.”
“Not your fault,” JJ said, between her tears. She didn’t want someone else to feel guilty for her actions.
“I’m sorry I didn’t notice before. I’m sorry you got this bad,” Emily sighed and rested her lips on JJ’s head, giving her a gentle kiss.
“Not your fault,” JJ repeated.
“I know but I’m sorry, my love,” Emily whispered and wrapped her arms tighter around JJ. She sighed seeing the blood on the floor and on JJ’s clothes. “Shall we get you cleaned up?”
“I - I can do it,” JJ muttered as she sat up. She turned her arm so she didn’t have to look at her mess.
“No, I’m not leaving you alone. Let me help,” Emily said softly and tucked some hair behind JJ’s ear. JJ didn’t say anything, only nodded.
“Let me grab the first aid kit, I won’t be a minute,” Emily said quickly. She made sure she had JJ’s knife and headed out to find a first aid kit as quickly as she could. In the minute she was gone, JJ couldn’t hold her emotions back any longer. Emily was helping, she was being a nuisance. Was she mad? Annoyed she’d taken her away from the case? The emotions were too strong. She pulled her knees to her chest and sobbed into them, wrapping her body up tight to protect herself. Her arms were in agony from the cuts but she deserved it, that was all she kept telling herself. She deserved it. She definitely didn’t deserve Emily’s help.
“Oh, Jay,” Emily whispered as she came back in and saw the sorry sight. “Sweetheart, you’re safe now,” she said as she sat back down on the floor.
“Don’t deserve you,” JJ whispered. “I was bad. It’s bad.”
“JJ, you’re not in trouble. You’d never be in trouble for this," Emily said, confused.
“It’s bad though! I don’t deserve you,” Jennifer sobbed and shook her head over and over again.
“Okay, come here,” Emily said. She wrapped herself around JJ’s crying body and almost cradled her as the young girl cried and cried. It took a good five minutes for JJ’s tears to subside. She leaned into Emily’s hold and hid her head in the crook of her neck.
“I’ve got you, you’re safe with me,” Emily said and kissed JJ’s head again. “So safe with me.”
Emily worked quickly on getting JJ’s cuts cleaned up. Whilst she left, she also grabbed JJ a new shirt, thankfully long-sleeved.
“I’m going to book you in a meeting with the psychiatrist but until then, I want you working alongside me okay?”
“I’m not a child,” JJ huffed a little. She didn’t need to be babysat.
“Tell me honestly, do you think you can keep yourself safe?” Emily asked, wrapping the last bandage around her arm. JJ didn’t respond, maybe she did need to be babysat.
“Okay, so you’re staying with me. And you talk to me,” Emily said. “I’m here for you and you are important.”
“I am?” JJ asked, her eyes filling with tears again.
“The most important, to me.”
“I love you,” JJ whispered, tilting her head to the side.
“I love you, JJ,” Emily replied and took JJ into her arms for another hug.