Chapter Text
(Shauna and Unknown)
??: YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT
??: I AM IN YOUR WALLS
shauna: um. hello??
??: YOU’RE LEAVING ME IN THE TRENCHES WITH THESE FUCKING KIDS AGAIN
shauna: oh no not the children!
??: YEAH THE CHILDREN
??: MEL THREW UP IN HER HAT
??: SOMEHOW MISTY IS HERE??
??: AND MARI KEEPS TRYING TO SEDUCE AKILAH
??: PLEASE
??: COME HOME
shauna: okay i feel like for the sake of my good conscious and your delinquent kids i can’t keep this up
shauna: but i do have some questions
??: ?
shauna: firstly, you have the wrong number
??: OH
?? : i am very very sorry stranger!!
shauna: anyway
shauna: your kids are trying to MATE? that does not sound moral or legal
shauna: unless you’re in alabama i guess but the former still stands
shauna: also sorry but your husband sounds like the worst kind of possible person
shauna: i mean he just LEFT YOU with your kids??
??: my HUSBAND??
??: WAIT SJSHDHSH
shauna: i mean i assume that’s who you’re messaging
??: I DO NOT HAVE A HUSBAND
??: OR KIDS!!
??: but the person i was messaging is indeed an ASSHOLE!!!
??: they’re one of my best friends and usually WE’RE BUDDIES!!
shauna: buddies??
??: BUT TODAY THEY LEFT ME ALONE TO WORK whilst i babysit our drunk friends
??: which they need to hurry up with because MEL IS ON THE RUN
shauna: so you’re NOT a mother of 4?
?? : it feels like it. but alas no seeing as i am a 18 year old lesbian with about five dollars to my name
??: motherhood is yet to call to me
shauna: duly noted
shauna: so is mel a pet or??
??: LMAOOAO NO mel is very much a person!! actually she hasn’t moved in a while one sec
shauna: right………
shauna: actually why are your friends drunk at 2pm????
??: because it’s a saturday!! duh!!
??: i would be joining them if i KNEW about it beforehand.
??: but i have been taken for a fool, stranger
??: ‘come to gen’s apartment, jackie’
??: ‘it’ll be fun, jackie’
??: ‘no don’t worry, jax, we won’t have drunk every drop of alcohol in our house before without you!’
??: TRAITORS!!!
shauna: so i’m going to assume you’re jackie then
jackie: oh hello yes that’s me!!
jackie: oh should i be revealing personal information to you
jackie: stranger danger and such
shauna: i mean, i already know five of your friends names and that you’re at gen’s apartment
jackie: MISTY IS NOT MY FRIEND
shauna: four of your friends names then
shauna: and that you are a 18 year old broke lesbian
jackie: UNCALLED FOR!! but true :,(
shauna: i know so much about you, jackie
shauna: it’s a good thing i’m not a serial killer, jackie
jackie: that’s exactly what a serial killer would say!!!
shauna: is that so, jackie?
jackie: STIP SAYING MY NAME
shauna: what do you mean, jackie?
jackie: …
jackie: I FOUND AN UNTOUCHED VODKA CRAN
shauna: that’s perfect, jackie!
jackie: STOP.
shauna : okay fine!!
shauna: actually that reminds me, how are mari and akilah doing? are they alive
shauna: ….actually don’t tell me i don’t want to become an accessory
jackie: alive… for now…. once they stop making out bc they’re kind of cute i am going to kill them both
jackie: i kicked gen and she made a noise so that’s a win for me
jackie: and as for mel…. well
jackie: i’m sure she’s fine!
shauna: …yeah this is my cue to leave
jackie: WAIT
jackie: STRANGER!
jackie: DON'T LEAVE ME IN MY TIME OF NEED
jackie: I STILL DON’T KNOW YOUR NAME!!
jackie: STRANGER??
jackie: …
15:29
jackie: oh so you actually left…..
15:42
jackie: WOWZA. i see how it is, stranger.
——
(Jackie & Unknown)
4:00
??: I’M SORRY JACKIE I’M OTW!!!
jackie: if this isn’t that little LEPRECHAUN…
??: OH MY GOD I’M SORRY I GOT A NEW PHONE I FORGOT TO SAY
jackie: DICK VAN DYKE.
jackie: WHERE WAS THE WARNING??
van: YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THEM IF I WARNED U AND I DO NOT WANT TO FACE THE REPERCUSSION OF LAURA LEE’S IRON HAND
jackie: YOU WOULD HAVE DESERVED IT
jackie: I SAW SO MANY BOOBS TONIGHT JFC.
van: your virgin ass was prolly like AWOOGA, no?
jackie: not when it’s the JV drunk off their asses.
jackie: and you are also single, dare i remind you, van palmer
van: i’m a total ladies man tho
van: they can’t keep away from me.. never single for too long ;)
jackie: SHUT up. I feel like a neglected housewife
jackie: you’ve been mistaken as my husband already once today
van: i don’t even want to know
van: well….
van: now they’re settled…
van: i’ll buy you Thai food to make up for it?
jackie: you fucking BETTER
jackie: but i still don’t forgive you.
jackie: waiting on the couch with a butcher’s knife.
van: i’ll be ready :)
–
ex rich girlfailures (Jackie, Lottie, Laura Lee)
4:37
lottie: does anyone want to get coffee with me
lottie: or get drunk tonight
laura lee: yes to both!!
laura lee: i miss you
lottie: laura leeee <3 i miss you too!!
jackie: ewww i frew up gay ppl suck
laura lee: she is my best friend of course i miss her
lottie: yeah
jackie: STILL shut up stinkies u live together
lottie: ugh she had work today
lottie: yes or no to drinking?
jackie: NO.
lottie: ?????
laura lee: are you feeling okay jackie?
lottie: yeah you never say no to alcohol
lottie: or caffeine, for that matter
lottie: which in tandem are signs that indicate mental illness
laura lee: have you been possessed
laura lee: like lottie that one time you suggested a seance when the power went out
lottie: that bible HURT
jackie: no and NO
jackie: i’ve just endured trauma that has put me off drunk people and any further alcohol consumption for at least 24 hours!!
lottie: this doesn’t have anything to do with the text i got from mari telling me she took my advice, right
jackie: …depends what your advice was
lottie: take a shot and go for it!
jackie: yeah okay they’re probably related
laura lee: well if we aren’t drinking can we still do something fun tonight?
laura lee: movie night at yours and van’s, jax?
jackie: i can’ttt i’m already at the JV kiddies place
jackie: and van is coming here with food
lottie: they haven’t been JV in years jackie
jackie: that’s captain to you
lottie: a few years too late loser
laura lee: that’s too bad jax :(
jackie: oh I JUST HAD A BRAINSTORM
lottie: SHARE
jackie: YOU GUYS COME HERE AND ALL EIGHT OF US CAN ALL WATCH CLUELESS TOGETHER
jackie : ONCE I GET RID OF MISTY!
jackie: AND THE OTHERS RISE FROM THE ALCOHOL INDUCED DEAD
laura lee: GENIUS!!
laura lee: I’M COMING HOME FROM WORK RN
laura lee: lott?
lottie: just called an uber for the two of us !!
jackie: i’ll be waiting girls!! ;)
laura lee: oh that’s not..
lottie: HELP already regretting this
lottie: see you in an bit jax!!
jackie: laterr!
—
nerd brigade (Shauna, Nat and Tai)
5:23
shauna: so.
shauna: on a scale of one to ten, how dangerous is it to give a stranger my name
nat: hello to you too
nat: also… one??
nat: don’t tell me u paused mid conversation to ask us this
nat: i know your social skills are bad but come on, shipman
tai: that’s a little paranoid of you
shauna: i mean over anonymous text
tai: OH then like a solid 8
nat: yeah i second that
nat: text?? who are YOU texting??
nat: you don’t have friends
shauna: OKAY two jabs at my social life within the hour seems excessive even for you scato
shauna: and really??
shauna: what are they gonna do with my name
nat: well how many shauna miriam shipmans do you know?
shauna: i never said my FULL NAME
shauna: also awww you know my middle name
nat: and you don’t know mine?
shauna: of course i do, natalie joan
tai: okay not to interrupt this cute bonding moment but can we circle back to shauna doing impulsively dangerous things again
tai: i thought we left this in high school
shauna: a girl gets into a fight ONE TIME
nat: more like one hundred
nat: and they weren't really fights it usually varied from you beating the shit out of an asshole or someone kicking your ass
nat: there wasn’t really an inbetween
shauna: okay that hurt
shauna: and i’m NOT being impulsive rn tai
shauna: i’m literally texting u to double check!!!
tai: okay fair enough
tai: give us some context
nat: yes why are you messaging a stranger
shauna: um so basically
shauna: this random number texted me thinking i was their friend
shauna: and we talked for a bit and they seem cool so i thought like why not
nat: what in the YA romance….
tai: shauna are you trying to get killed
tai: did no one ever teach you stranger danger
nat: no one raised her tai let her off
shauna: ……
nat: i think we should just let her get catfished and murdered and then we can figure out how much she mentioned me in her will
nat: and for y'know character growth and the like
tai: i can’t believe you already have a will written up
shauna: better safe than sorry
tai: Uh huh…
shauna: but i’m prettttyyy sure they’re not an old crusty pedo
shauna: but i’ll keep it in mind
tai: has this mystery person said anything about themselves?
shauna: well i know their age name and some of their friends’ names
shauna: also that they like to drink
nat: well my dad is an old man and he likes to drink
tai: i think that one is a bit of a stretch
shauna: yeah but you’re like italian
nat: i’m going to let you off bc you’re clearly not in your right mind right now
tai: just tell them your name but not your full name
tai: safer that way, dumbass
shauna: oh wait why does that make sense
nat: maybe you should go by like shaun
nat: or your middle name
shauna: ship?
tai: makes sense to me
nat: that’s kind of a fuckass name HONK HONK
nat: you get it?
shauna: STFU
nat: also ship check dms please i texted you about something earlier but you still haven’t responded (slag)
shauna: okiii sorry
tai: please never say that again
shauna: yeah idk what that was
-
(Shauna and Nat)
-
scato: could i maybe please please crash at your place for a week or something? after friday
scato: i hate to ask bc it’s kind of humiliating but i know you’re not like that
scato: i need to get away from my parents shauna i can’t be here anymore
shipman: of course man
shipman: my mom loves you AND you we can cuddle
scato: ….
shipman: the loveseat is also a pullout !!
scato: nah we can cuddle
scato: you’re always so warm
shipman: whilst you’re over we could invite tai and work on the three of us getting a place of our own
shipman: we can save tai from the clutches of her evil siblings
scato: fuck yes
scato: i would love to live with you guys man
shipman: we can overpower tai with our music taste
scato: yeah mine is still better than yours but okay fair enough
shipman: just for that i’m going to make sure glee is the only thing you can watch on our TV
shipman: fuck you!!
scato: NO
scato: PLEASE IM SORRY
scato: NOT GLEE
shipman: you kind of look like sue
scato: FUCK OFF RACHEL BERRY
shipman: IS IT BECAUSE I’M JEWISH
scato: I DON’T KNOW IS IT BECAUSE I’M BLONDE AND ATTRACTED TO MEN
shipman: EWWW NAT DON’T BRING UP THE M WORD
scato: LMFAOS JUST WAIT UNTIL WE LIVE TOGETHER
shauna: GUCK OFF
scato: GUCK
shipman: shut up
shipman: love you scato
scato: love you too ship
scato: thanks for being
shipman: being what?? suspicious face…
scato: just being
shipman: oh
shipman: thank you for being
——
(Jackie and Shauna)
5:46
shauna: you can call me ship
shauna: i’m 18 too, by the way :)
—-
nerd brigade
5:46
shauna: i may have told her my age also..
tai: shauna shipman!!
shauna: whoops!!
—-
(Jackie and Shauna)
5:50
shauna: sorry for ghosting you i got nervous about messaging a stranger
jackie: SHE’S ALIVE
jackie: oh i shouldn’t assume your pronouns mb!!
shauna: he/she is cool
shauna: you?
jackie: she/her is fine thank you!!!
jackie: anyway, to reiterate my previous statement: SHE’S ALIVE
shauna: in all my anxious glory
shauna: has your earlier predicament been resolved or
jackie: ehhh ish
jackie: i’m still here at gen’s
jackie: currently eating apology thai takeaway with the friend i was meant to be texting when i tried first texted you ship!
jackie: i live with them but our apartment is pretty shitty considering we had to work out asses off to get it
jackie: gen lives with three other girls who are all uber rich so their place is niiicee
jackie: so the two of us spend half our time here anyway
jackie: anyway we’re watching but i’m a cheerleader (it’s their comfort movie) and life is so good
shauna: oh shit sorry i won’t text you if you’re busy!!
jackie: nooo come here
jackie: most of our friendship consists of sitting in silence on our phones anyway
jackie: i will have to disappear when my best girls arrive though
jackie: i need to debrief them on the heinous crimes committed today (drunk idiocracys)
shauna: LMAO
shauna: you have a looooottt of friends
jackie: what can I say, people are just drawn to me ;))
shauna: i’m sure
jackie: that better not be SARCASM in your tone i’m hearing shippington
shauna: THAT IS NOT MY NAME JACQUELINE
shauna: and neeevrrrr! scouts honour
jackie: HOW DID YOU FIND OUT MY NAME
shauna: WHAT.
jackie: NEVERMIND
shauna: UH HUH
jackie: anyway shippington, care to share some personal information about yourself??
shauna: that is a normal and not at all creepy sentence
jackie: well you’re practically acquainted with my friends now
shauna: okay well i've already gotten an earful from my best friends about anonymous texting and how i was supposed to have left this reckless behaviour behind in high school
jackie: oh i would love to hear about this ‘reckless behaviour’
shauna: well it mainly involves getting into fights and sleeping with… men….
jackie: oh!
shauna: as a lesbian…
jackie: double oh!
shauna: comphet is not for the weak
jackie: oh god don’t i know it
shauna: yeah. anyway
shauna: i will probably keep their identities under wraps as to not stir the dragon
jackie: that sounds wise
shauna: BUT i will tell you i have two absolute best friends in the world who are like my sisters
shauna: we all were in the same class in kindergarten and beyond bc my hometown is so small
jackie: that’s so cute
jackie: that’s how my roommate and one of my best girls are
jackie: what are they like?
shauna: they’re the best people i know
shauna: one of them we’ll call her president
jackie: ?! okay?!
shauna: she’s the most ambitious person i know and she helps me be that way too
shauna: she’s one of the only people in the world that really understands me i think and i’m very lucky to have her
shauna: she’s also very clever!! i think i’m slightly ahead of her academically (valedictorian flex) but she’s miles ahead in common sense and um everything else.
jackie: damn ship
jackie: you managed to be a brutish delinquent AND valedictorian at the same time
jackie: kudos
shauna: i would say i was actually quite elegant in my violence
jackie: uh huh!
jackie: also that’s very sweet
jackie: it’s nice to have someone like that
shauna: yeah
jackie: and the other one?
shauna: okay well we will call her mario
jackie: is she italian
shauna: no comment
shauna: mario is fiercely protective and makes it seem like they would not hesitate to kill you but he has a heart of gold and would never hurt anyone
shauna: i’m pretty sure he’s incapable of doing others harm unless he really really tries
shauna: it’s just not her nature
shauna: we got super close because we were both high school freshmen who managed to snag a job at the luxurious (totally shitty) ice cream parlour on the boardwalk because we are kind of poor
shauna: and he also needed to get away from his awful parents (won’t go into detail but they are honestly evil)
shauna: and since then it’s kind of been the three of us against the world
shauna: but anyway yeah wow i yapped a lot about them
shauna: that’s my little trio i guess
shauna: sorry i didn’t mean to spam </3
jackie: hey no it’s okay
jackie: it’s really sweet the way you talk about them
jackie: i could talk for ages about my friends too if given the excuse
jackie: your friends sound super cool
jackie: i’m glad you have two awesome best friends
shauna: yeah me too
jackie: okay my friends are almost here so i have to go, ship
jackie: it was nice talking to you, ship
jackie: i hope you have a splendid rest of your day, ship!!
shauna: is this payback for earlier, jackie?
jackie: just maybe, ship ;)