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When Vaggie woke up, she could tell that today was going to be a bad day. She just didn’t feel…there. Like as she was getting dressed, she zoned out for a full 2 minutes while holding her shirt and Charlie had to snap her out of her trance. She was just in a horrible mindset. Everything felt so negative and she felt so…sad and depressed. She wanted to be alone and away from everyone but craved for comfort at the same time.
During the trust exercises, Vaggie really wanted to just curl back into bed and rot all day. She didn’t want to be around everyone. She didn’t deserve to be around her kind friends. Afterall, how could a murderous monster deserve comfort?
“Hey, you okay?” Charlie noticed that she was acting off.
“Yeah, I’m just feeling a little dizzy. I think I’m gonna lay down,” Vaggie notified her girlfriend before walking upstairs. Her mind got foggy and she began to disassociate again.
Your friends deserve better
A voice in her head made itself known.
You’re a monster
No one really loves you
No one SHOULD love you
You’re just a pathetic failure
These voices kept berating her in the head. She clawed at her hair, trying to ground herself but she just couldn't. It was like she was just floating around in space and not in hell. Like she was a ghost that wasn’t really there. All she could hear were the voices. She couldn’t even feel her hair being pulled.
She stumbles into their bedroom and shuts the door. She needed to clear this fog in her brain. She needed to ground herself. Get rid of these voices. Her eyes catch the glistening blade of her spear that’s propped up next to her nightstand.
You should take that blade and scar up your arms
You don’t deserve clear arms
You should be punished for what you did to Charlie’s people
The voices were back with impulses. She got the strongest urge to cut. It was stronger than the ones she had before. When she first got in hell, she used to cut a lot until Charlie found out and worked to help her stop. Luckily, all those times she used to harm herself, they were scars and not bleeding when Charlie found her. She was almost a year clean now. However, in that moment, she yearned for the sweet agony of burning pain on her wrists.
Vaggie hadn’t even noticed the tears that were pouring from both her eyes. There was a pool of salty tears inside her eyepatch but she didn’t care. She curled up on the floor and grabbed her spear. For a while she just laid there, gripping her weapon as she cried.
Too weak to make the cuts?
You’re pathetic!
Just make the cuts, coward!
With the strong voices, Vaggie finally got the courage to slice through her wrists. the blood dripped down her wrists as she cut deep lines into her arms. It burned so much. Angelic steel always hurt more than common steel. Finally, it felt like her mind was cleared. She was finally back in the moment. That’s when she finally stopped.
Realizing what she had just done, she threw the spear across the room. She made a promise to Charlie that she would stop! Fuck, she was a horrible girlfriend. Not even able to keep a fucking promise. Charlie should leave her. She was a lying bitch who didn’t deserve such royalty. Not only that, but she would be such a burden and a bother if she were to interrupt the class downstairs just to tell her girlfriend she ended up self-harming again.
However, that didn’t matter because unknowingly to her, a special princess was walking up the stairs to go check in on her girlfriend.
“Vaggie, you okay-” Charlie opened the door, pausing when she saw her girlfriend on the floor, bleeding, crying, and just an absolute mess.
“Oh, vaggie…” she frowned, seeing the cuts she made on her arm. She made sure not to panic. If she did, it would make Vaggie’s situation a lot worse.
Charlie walked over to where Vaggie was curled up and knelt down. She cupped her cheek and wiped away a few tears.
“Sweetie… why didn’t you come get me?” She asked.
“Didn’t wanna bother you…’nd didn’t deserve help,” Vaggie mumbled, unconsciously leaning into her touch.
“Oh, babe, you deserve all the help and love in the world. You are never a bother. I know you may not believe that yet but do you want me to give you affirmations more often?” Charlie offered.
“Mhm,” Vaggie hummed. Reassurance and affirmations, if said enough, actually helped influence her mind into believing them.
“Alright, let's get you cleaned up, okay?” Charlie lifted Vaggie up bridal style and carried her into the bathroom. She disinfected the cuts and wrapped them in ace bandages. She was very gentle and soft when patching her up and even kissed them better.
Once she finished kissing her wounds, she led her back into the bedroom and lifted her back up again.
“Come on, Imma cuddle the sadness out of you,” She said, laying her down in bed and hopping right next to her. They face towards each other and she tucked Vaggie’s head into her chest and rubbed her back and shoulder while spooning her. Vaggie smelled Charlie’s comforting scent and it made her feel more relaxed. The cuddles helped her feel less sad. She finally felt loved.