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The first time it happens, Regina wakes up drenched in sweat, breathing hard, disoriented. She stares up at the ceiling, squinting against the darkness, and waits for the squeal of brakes to fade from her ears.
It always takes a minute after she wakes up to remember what it was she was dreaming about, but this time, she knows immediately—it’s not something she could forget. The hissing of tires. The hot, sharp pain of skin against pavement. A distant shout of, “Oh, my god!” And the sky, picturesquely, maddeningly blue.
It’s not real, Regina reminds herself, willing her heart to slow down.
Eventually, when she feels like she can breathe again, Regina sits up and checks the time on her phone. 4:08 am. She presses the heels of her hands into her eyes and tries to forget.
That’s how it starts.
“Regina.”
Regina startles, blinking her eyes open. For a moment, she has no idea where she is. Then she remembers: she’s in the library. When she sits up, she has to detach her cheek from the glossy page of her textbook.
“Were you asleep?” the voice asks. It’s Cady, standing next to her table and frowning at her.
“Oh, uh,” Regina says, rubbing her hand roughly over her face in case there’s any weird imprints on her skin. There’s a dull pain in her neck, probably from her apparently chosen sleeping position. “I guess so.”
“Why?” Cady asks.
Regina bites back an irritated response. “Tired, I guess,” she says.
Cady gives her a wry smile. “I can see that.”
Regina forces a smile and starts packing up her books. She’d been trying to catch up on the work she missed while she was in the hospital, but the words are swimming on the pages. It’s probably best to just cut her losses, lest she get banned from the library for vagrancy.
“Hey, um,” Cady says, hands tugging on the straps of her backpack, “I’m glad I caught you, actually. Do you want to come over this weekend?”
Regina stares at her for a moment. She has a vague recollection of Cady apologizing to her at Spring Fling a couple weeks ago, although much of that week is a hazy blur. Aside from the pity visits in the week following her return home from the hospital, Regina hasn’t really hung out with anyone.
“Uh, okay,” Regina says. “Sure.”
Cady grins like Regina has just agreed to spot her three hundred dollars. “Awesome!” she chirps.
Regina watches her leave, then texts her mom to come and pick her up.
Cady’s mom gives her an alarmed look when she opens her front door, like Regina has returned to burn down her house.
“Hi,” Regina says, shifting from foot to foot on the doorstep. “Cady invited me over?” It comes out like a question.
“Hi, honey,” Mrs. Heron says, seeming to shake herself from her surprise. “How are you doing?”
“Mom!” calls out a voice from inside.
Mrs. Heron moves aside to let Regina in, closing the door behind her and watching as Regina stoops gingerly to take off her shoes.
“I’m good,” Regina assures her, more emphatically than is probably necessary.
“Hi, Regina,” Cady says. She’s wearing a soft-looking t-shirt and leggings, and socks with different kinds of fruit patterned on them. It kind of makes Regina want to hug her, for some reason.
Regina stands and looks around Cady’s house. It looks the same as she remembers, save for a colorful vase that used to sit in the front window. It feels weird, when Regina’s world is so radically different.
Regina lets Cady lead her into the living room, where she has Netflix open to the home screen on the television and a bowl of pretzels on the table. There’s an unopened can of Diet Coke on a coaster, which makes Regina smile.
Regina takes a seat on the couch, trying not to think about how every other time she’s sat here Cady was plotting her demise.
“What do you want to watch?” Cady asks, remote in hand.
Regina doesn’t have the heart to tell her that she’s seen basically everything Netflix has to offer over the last month, so she shrugs. “Whatever you want.”
Cady looks at her for a long moment, then says, “Okay, you asked for it.” She navigates to a show called Wild Babies and hits play. She’s apparently already on the fourth episode.
Regina quickly gathers that this is a nature docuseries about baby animals. That’s fine, because she’s so tired she wouldn’t be able to follow anything that actually required her to pay attention. She’s been having the dreams about the bus more and more and probably hasn’t slept through the night in week.
Regina cracks open the Coke and looks at Cady out of the corner of her eye instead of the screen. They haven’t had a real conversation since the bus, not really—not that Regina was much of a conversation partner for most of that time. Cady is in the dreams sometimes, the first person to run over to Regina after the impact, screaming and crying. That’s the one thing remembers about the accident most clearly, actually.
Regina looks away, feeling her heart rate pick up. She doesn’t want to think about that, so she tries to focus on the show, staring intently at the elephants. If she directs all her energy towards becoming an elephant expert, she won’t have the space to think about anything else. It’s quite soothing, actually; Regina can see why Cady enjoys this, even if she doesn’t give a fuck about the animal behavior science or whatever Cady nerds out on.
The next time Regina opens her eyes, she has an ache in her neck. Well, that’s probably because her pillow is so bony. She opens her eyes, the glare of the TV harsh, and remembers that she’s at Cady’s house, apparently resting her head on Cady’s shoulder. She sits up quickly, wincing at the twinge of pain that brings, and rubs her eye.
“Sorry,” Regina mutters, a little embarrassed. She quickly wipes her mouth to make sure she wasn’t drooling or anything.
Cady is looking at her with that concerned look everyone gives Regina these days, the one she hates.
“It’s fine,” Cady says. “You can go back to sleep if you want.”
“No, that would be weird,” Regina says, putting some distance in between them. “And kind of rude.”
Cady just keeps looking at her in a way that makes Regina want to hide her head under one of the throw pillows.
“Are you okay?” Cady asks. “You seem really tired lately.”
“I’m fine,” Regina insists. “Just haven’t been sleeping well.”
She hopes it’s enough of an explanation that Cady will drop it, but it just makes the crease between her eyebrows deepen.
“Why not?” Cady pauses the show, their voices the only noise in the room now.
Regina shifts on the couch, trying to find a comfortable position for her neck and back. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Well, I am worried about it.”
God, Regina forgot how nosy Cady could be.
“I’ve just been having some bad dreams, okay? Can we drop it now?” Regina says, taking a sip of her now-room temperature Diet Coke to get rid of the dryness in her mouth.
Cady looks confused, then realization dawns on her face. “About the bus?” she asks, lowering her voice.
“Um,” Regina says, brain spinning as she tries to figure out what to say that will get Cady to leave this alone.
Apparently, Cady takes her hesitation as confirmation, because she gets this sad look on her face that makes Regina’s chest hurt, joining in with Regina’s neck and back.
“You can call me. You know that, right?” Cady says, putting a hand on Regina’s arm. Regina must look confused, because she clarifies, “Anytime. Even in the middle of the night.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Regina says quickly, even as her heart leaps. She thinks about having someone to talk to when she wakes up and can’t stop shaking, and it sounds amazing, but it would involve burdening someone with her own shit, which sounds terrible.
“Regina, please?” Cady says. Regina thinks she sees guilt flicker over her face. “Just know that I’ll answer.”
“Okay,” Regina says so they can stop talking about this. “Got it.”
“Good.” Cady gives her a little smile and unpauses the TV.
Regina pinches herself on the leg every other minute to stay awake.
Regina startles awake with a scream lodged in her throat.
For a moment, she’s blinking up at the sky, white-hot pain racing down her spine and radiating out along her limbs, Cady’s face swimming above her. Then the darkness of her bedroom crashes down on top of her, and she swallows hard, coming to. Her throat hurts when she swallows, and she think she might actually have been screaming. She’s never been so grateful to her younger self’s singing phase that prompted her parents to soundproof her room, because if her mother comes rushing in here she might actually lose it.
Regina’s heart is beating so hard she’s surprised she can’t actually see it banging against her skin when she strips off her sweaty t-shirt and drops it on the floor. She grips her sheets, trying to will away the panic that is swirling in her stomach. She tries to take slow, deep breaths, but her breathing is jerky and stilted, closer to hyperventilating than actually taking in air.
Suddenly, she remembers Cady saying that Regina could call her. Should call her. And with shaking fingers, she grabs her phone.
Her phone brightly tells her that it’s just after two in the morning. Some people might be awake, but Regina knows Cady goes to bed by ten. After a moment of debating, Regina impulsively pulls up Cady’s contact and hits the call button.
It rings for so long that Regina thinks Cady isn’t going to pick up, and she thinks the only thing more embarrassing than calling Cady crying in the middle of the night over a stupid dream would be for Cady to not pick up at all and then wake up to a missed call from Regina in the morning.
Just when Regina is going to cut her losses and possibly break into Cady’s house to delete the notification from her phone, she picks up.
“Regina?” Cady mumbles sleepily into the phone.
“H-hi,” Regina gasps out, trying to keep her voice under control. “Um, you said I-I should call, so…”
“Oh,” Cady says, sounding immediately more alert. “Oh my god, are you okay?”
Great. Now Regina has to handle two panic attacks.
“Fine,” Regina grits out. She tries to force some more air into her lungs.
“Sweetie, breathe,” Cady says gently. “Come on, breathe in with me.”
Shakily, slowly, Regina takes a breath as Cady exhales loudly into her ear.
“Okay, um.” There’s some rustling on the other end of the phone, like Cady is sitting up. “Tell me five things you can see in your room right now. You’re in bed, right?”
“Yeah,” Regina says. “Uh.” She looks wildly around the room. “Pillows. Phone charger. Lamp.” As she speaks, her breathing starts to even out, even if she feels kind of silly. “Glass of water. Slippers.”
“Good,” Cady says softly. “How do you feel now? Can you breathe better?”
“Yes,” Regina says. She finally feels like she isn’t suffocating, like the roller coaster she’s on has cleared the drop.
They’re quiet for awhile as Regina swipes away stray tears and lets her heart rate come down.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Cady asks.
“About what?”
Cady makes an annoyed sound into the phone, indicating she knows Regina is being purposely obtuse. “The nightmares.”
“Well, you kind of had a front-row seat to them,” Regina says with a humorless laugh. “Bus comes. I get hit. Crunch.”
Cady doesn’t say anything for a few moments, then inhales shakily. “Regina, I’m sorry,” she says, and Regina wonders if she might be crying.
“Can we not?” Regina says, a little desperately. “It’s not your fault and I forgive you or whatever.”
“Right, sorry.” Cady still sounds upset, though. “Have you… have you talked to anyone else about the dreams?”
“No,” Regina says. She grimaces at the thought of sitting down with some shrink to hash out, in detail, all the ways she’s fucked up. “They’re not a big deal. They’ll go away eventually.”
“Well, thanks for telling me,” Cady says, voice warm and soft. Then she makes a noise that sounds like she’s trying to swallow a yawn, and Regina immediately feels guilty for waking her up.
“You should get some sleep,” Regina tells her. She presses a hand to her chest; her heartbeat feels normal now.
“Are you going to be okay?” Cady asks worriedly.
“I’ll be fine,” Regina assures her. She already feels fatigue pulling at her eyelids. That’s new—she usually doesn’t go back to sleep after a nightmare.
“Okay,” Cady whispers. “Night.”
Then Regina hangs up.
Regina is in the library during her lunch period trying to cram a month’s worth of missed material for her AP European History exam when Cady drops into the chair across from her.
“Hey,” Cady says breathlessly. “I was looking everywhere for you. You weren’t in the cafeteria.”
Regina’s eyes flick up to Cady’s slightly flushed face. “You could have texted me instead of lapping the school.”
“Oh, yeah,” Cady says, like she hadn’t considered that.
They just look at each other for a moment, and all Regina can think about is their phone call the night before. Does Cady want to talk about it? Regina really hopes she doesn’t. She’d rather forget it ever happened, really.
“Did you get back to sleep okay?” Cady asks.
Ugh. Talking about it it is.
“Yeah,” Regina admits. She doesn’t tell Cady how unusual that is. “Thanks.”
This makes Cady smile, and she reaches out and places one of her hands on Regina’s. Regina looks at it, feeling warmth radiating out from their point of contact.
“Do you want to hang out after school today?” Cady asks.
Regina studies her for a moment. She kind of hates that she’s suspicious of Cady’s intentions… but she is. Last she checked, Cady hated her enough to team up with fucking Janis ‘Imi’ike to take her down. Cady might only be here because she feels guilty about the bus. She can’t get invested in Cady again if it’s just going to crash and burn. She doesn’t think she can take it a second time.
“What?” Cady asks, hand tugging on her hair self-consciously.
“Are you just here because you feel bad for me?” Regina asks. It doesn’t come out accusatory, just… tired.
Cady’s eyes widen. “No!” she denies quickly.
“It’s okay if you are,” Regina says quietly. “We can end this here. No hard feelings.”
“Regina, no,” Cady insists. Her hand tightens on Regina’s. “Of course I do feel bad for you. It would be crazy if I didn’t. But I’m here because I’m your friend.”
For the first time in her life, Regina decides to take that at face value. It’s not like she has a lot of options, anyway.
“Alright,” Regina says finally.
Cady grins. “So, come over today?”
“I can’t today, actually. I have physical therapy.”
“Tomorrow?” Cady asks hopefully.
Regina shrugs one shoulder. “Yeah, sure.”
Cady does an excited little bounce in her chair and squeezes Regina’s hand. Regina’s heart starts beating faster, but in a pleasant way, not a prepare-for-your-imminent-death way.
It’s a nice day, so Cady suggests they get coffee and walk around the downtown area. Regina kind of thinks this sounds cliché and boring, but whatever. She can wander around for one afternoon. For Cady.
They stop into a bookstore, the condensation from Regina’s sweating iced coffee chilling her hand. Regina peruses the stacks, running the fingers of her free hand over the spines of the books, not really absorbing any of the titles.
She finds Cady in, of all places, the psychology section. Cady looks up as Regina approaches and stuffs a book back onto the shelf, smiling brightly at Regina.
“Find anything interesting?” Cady asks.
Regina shrugs one shoulder. “Nah.”
“I thought you loved to read,” Cady says, frowning.
Regina doesn’t think she’s ever told Cady that, but she guesses Cady’s seen her enough times with a book in her hand that it’s a logical conclusion. Still, she feels oddly touched she noticed.
“I do,” Regina concedes. “I just don’t really have the time right now. I’m still trying to catch up on the stuff I missed, and I have PT three times a week.”
“We should have a book club over the summer,” Cady suggests as they make their way out of the store.
Regina raises an eyebrow. “A book club?”
“Yeah. I’ve always wanted to read Harry Potter.”
“Absolutely the fuck not.”
Cady gives her a wounded look. “Why not?”
“Because you’re a nerd who will get too into it, and then I’ll never hear the end of it. For my own sanity, please do not read Harry Potter.”
Cady kicks a rock on the sidewalk. “Fine,” she says petulantly.
Cady’s hand bumps Regina’s as they find a bench in a plaza to wait for Cady’s mom to pick them up. It sends a little zip of energy up Regina’s arm, and she tucks her hand into her pocket.
“Thanks,” Cady says quietly, swinging her legs and sitting on her hands.
“For what?”
“Hanging out with me,” Cady responds, like it should be obvious.
Regina snorts. “I’m not exactly booked these days.”
“What about Gretchen and Karen?” Cady asks, giving Regina that concerned frown she hates.
Regina sighs. “They’re being weird.”
“Weird?”
“They’re, like, afraid of me. They just say yes to me about everything.”
Cady looks confused. “Isn’t that what they’re always like?”
“I don’t know,” Regina says, balling up her hands frustratedly. “It’s like they’re afraid I’ll break. And I don’t want them to say yes to me anymore.”
Cady considers this. “Say no to you more. Got it.”
Regina rolls her eyes and makes a face at her. “You’re so annoying.”
Cady just grins at her as her mom pulls up in front of them.
Tonight’s dream is different.
This time, Regina watches with horror as Cady is hit by the bus, her small frame briefly catapulted into the air before landing on the pavement with a sickening thud, a thin line of blood trickling from her mouth.
Regina is up and out of her bed before she really realizes she’s even awake, jamming her feet into the first shoes she can find. Luckily, her keys are still hanging on the hook near the garage door, because if she had to organize her brain enough to look for them she would probably collapse to the ground.
Regina backs out of the garage, not giving a shit if it wakes her parents, and is speeding the few minutes to Cady’s house on autopilot. The house is silent and dark when she arrives, parking haphazardly on the curb and climbing out of the car.
She stands shivering on Cady’s front lawn before she realizes she can’t just barge into the house. Fumbling at her phone screen, she calls Cady.
“Hello?” Cady says sleepily into the phone. “Gi? You okay?”
“I’m, um,” Regina says, breathing unevenly. “I’m outside.”
“Outside?”
“Cady, please open the door,” Regina whispers.
“Did you drive—hang on.”
The line goes dead and, after a moment, the front door opens enough for Cady to poke her head outside, eyes wide.
Regina practically runs into the house, ignoring the stiffness in her muscles. Unthinking, she grabs Cady’s face in her hands and examines her, feeling the warmth of her skin seeping into her palms.
She’s okay. Cady is okay.
“Regina, what are you doing here?” Cady whispers, placing one hand over one of Regina’s. “How did you get here?”
“I drove.”
“What!” Cady whisper-hisses. “Regina, you’re not supposed to be driving on your medication!”
Oh yeah. Right. Oops.
Regina moves one hand to Cady’s chest, feeling her heartbeat, even and strong and undeniably alive. She sags in relief, the fear that had been pulsing through her body exiting through her tears.
“Oh, sweetie,” Cady says, pushing hair out of Regina’s face. She turns and locks the front door, gently taking the car keys that are dangling from one of Regina’s fingers. “Let’s go upstairs.”
They tiptoe up the steps—or Regina tries to tiptoe on her shaky legs—and Cady pulls the door of her bedroom gently shut behind them. Her blankets are thrown back, a small stuffed lion on the floor. Cady scoops it up and tosses it back on the bed, then climbs in.
“Come here,” Cady says, patting the empty space beside her, and Regina lies down, nearly nose-to-nose with Cady.
“What happened?” Cady asks, gently stroking Regina’s hair like her mom used to do when she was little and still went to her for comfort.
“You were—” Regina takes a shuddering breath. “You died, in my dream. The bus hit you.”
Cady inhales sharply. “God, Regina, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry I woke you up,” Regina whispers. “I just… had to see you.”
“It’s okay,” Cady murmurs. “Do you feel better now?”
“Yeah,” Regina breathes.
Cady’s hand trails from her hair to Regina’s cheek, brushing away tears with her thumb, then sliding down the side of Regina’s neck and down her arm, leaving little sparks in its wake.
Cady’s bed smells like she does, like clean laundry and her fruity body spray and something that is warm and specifically Cady. It envelops Regina’s body, making her heart beat faster in a way that’s unrelated to her nightmare.
“Go to sleep,” Cady whispers, shuffling in a little closer to Regina and yawning. “I’m right here.”
“Okay,” Regina says, suddenly so tired she has to fight to keep her eyes open.
She falls asleep listening to Cady’s breathing.
Regina wakes up before Cady does and her brain immediately kicks into overdrive.
She would very much like to sneak out of Cady’s house and drive herself home and pretend none of this ever happened, but she knows she really shouldn’t be driving and Cady knows that, too, and maybe would freak out and call the police or something. It would also probably hurt Cady’s feelings, which is maybe worse.
So Regina is stuck in Cady’s house until Cady wakes up and Regina’s mom or Cady’s mom can drive her home—oh god. Cady’s mom. She’s going to think Regina is a total freak who breaks into houses in the middle of the night. Even if Cady did technically let her in.
Regina scrubs her face with one hand and sighs. Not much she can do about it now but wait for Cady to wake up.
The second problem is that Regina is in Cady’s bed with Cady, who is asleep with one hand curled under her chin and the other arm around her stuffed lion. She looks adorable, and Regina can’t stop staring at her, and therein lies the issue: while the bus and her simmering rage distracted Regina from her crush on Cady, it didn’t go away. And this is worse now, maybe, because aside from Shane, Cady is kind of Regina’s only friend.
Even if Regina isn’t some megabitch that Cady hates now, she’s become some clingy weirdo who can’t even sleep like a normal person without freaking out. Regina lets herself wallow in the pathetic, lonely existence she apparently now leads for a few minutes before she sits up and looks at her phone. It’s only a little after seven despite being a Saturday, but Regina has always been an early riser. She quickly texts her mom where she is so she doesn’t worry and then returns to watching Cady sleep like some kind of creep.
Whatever. She might as well commit to it.
Eventually, Cady stirs, stretching and opening her eyes.
“Morning,” she mumbles. She rubs one eye.
“Hi,” Regina says, enjoying Cady’s just-waking-up hair.
Cady just looks at her for a moment. “It’s unfair,” she complains.
“What is?”
“How good you look first thing in the morning,” Cady grumbles. It’s precisely the unfiltered kind of thing Cady says so casually that makes Regina want to scream.
“Shut up,” Regina says. “I should probably call my mom to pick me up.”
Cady frowns up at her. “Why? Don’t you want breakfast?”
Sitting at Cady’s kitchen table while her mother asks exactly what Regina is doing here sounds like an entirely different nightmare.
“No, I’m good,” Regina says, not meeting Cady’s eyes. She swings her legs around to plant her feet on the floor and realizes with a twinge of embarrassment that she ran out of the house last night in an oversized North Shore Football t-shirt she swiped from Shane a couple years ago that has seen better days and a pair of worn pajama pants with a hole in the knee. She didn’t even grab a sweatshirt.
“Well, okay,” Cady says, sounding disappointed, as Regina dials her mother’s number. She tries to explain how she ended up at Cady’s house with as little detail as possible. She’ll figure out how to get her car back later.
Cady is peering at her with a crease between her eyebrows when Regina hangs up.
“Does your mom not know?” Cady asks.
Regina feels her shoulders tense. “It’s not a big deal,” she mutters dismissively. She wraps her arms around herself, chilly all of a sudden.
“Well, it just seems like…” Cady says, clearly trying to tread carefully. “Like maybe telling someone could help.”
“Mhm,” Regina says, not wanting to have this conversation.
“Are you cold?” Cady asks, getting out of bed. “Here, let me give you a sweatshirt.”
Cady digs through her closet and pulls out a simple grey hoodie, handing it to Regina. The sleeves are a little short when Regina pulls it on, but it smells like Cady.
“But I really think you should—”
“Hey, want to catch a movie sometime?” Regina interrupts.
Cady crosses her arms. “I know you’re trying to change the subject. I’m not stupid.”
“I’d really appreciate it if you could be, just for a few minutes.”
Cady sighs. “Fine. But you should talk to someone.”
“For sure,” Regina says, but they both know she’s lying.
Regina’s phone buzzes with a text from her mother, saying that she’s here.
“I’ll see you at school,” Cady says, walking Regina to the front door. She waves off her mom when Mrs. Heron pokes her head out of the kitchen. Regina sighs, knowing she’s going to be the subject of conversation as the Herons eat breakfast.
“Later,” Regina says.
Then she pulls Cady’s sweatshirt tighter around herself and steps outside.
Regina sees more of Cady after that night. She’s still a little suspicious that she has become Cady’s charity case, but it’s nice to know she can sit with someone at lunch if she can ever bring herself to go into the cafeteria.
She hasn’t gone back since that day Cady told her she couldn’t sit at her table.
Notably, Regina hasn’t seen Cady and Aaron walking hand-in-hand down the hallway in the last couple of weeks. She doesn’t ask about it, even though she’s dying to.
Cady doesn’t ask for her hoodie back, and Regina is grateful; she’s taken to sleeping in it, breathing in Cady’s scent when she wakes up with a racing heart. For some reason, it calms her.
Yes, she knows it’s weird and kind of pathetic, but she’s accepted that she’s a freak who sleeps in her friend’s sweatshirt now. Whatever.
They’re crossing the parking lot to Regina’s mom’s car, Cady yammering about some Mathletes drama between Jacob and Kevin as they cross the bus lane, when something knocks into Regina from behind—hard.
There’s a sharp pain between Regina’s shoulders as she stumbles forward, managing to catch herself before her hands hit the pavement.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry!” someone shouts, and she looks up to see a student she doesn’t know grimacing.
“Watch where you’re going,” Cady snaps, which is so uncharacteristic of her that it would be funny if Regina could catch her breath.
“Jeez, sorry,” the student mutters, walking away.
Regina tries to breathe in, but she feels like there’s a weight settled on her chest, compressing her ribcage. The clear sky, the light breeze—everything feels like it did that day. Her vision clouds and her hands shake and she still can’t fucking breathe.
Distantly, she hears Cady saying her name, but she can barely hear it over the rushing in her ears. Maybe this is where she’s destined to die, in the parking lot of North Shore High School.
Then, something interrupts her senses. As she gasps in air through her nose, she inhales the strong scent of… peppermint? For some reason, it’s startling enough for her to start taking in some real breaths. Her vision clears enough that she can see Cady holding a small bottle up to her nose.
“Good, good,” Cady praises soothingly. “Breathe. In, out.”
Regina lets Cady guide her for a few breaths as Cady screws the lid on the bottle and slips it in her pocket.
“What is that?” Regina says hoarsely, chest heaving like she’s just run the mile in gym class.
“Peppermint oil,” Cady says. “I read it helps with panic attacks.”
Regina blinks at her. “You just carry around peppermint oil?”
Cady shrugs. “I do now.”
Vaguely, Regina recalls finding Cady in the psychology section of the bookstore. She’ll have to unpack that later.
“Thank you,” Regina says, feeling her face turning red. God, when did she turn into such a mess?
“Of course,” Cady says simply, frowning at Regina’s still-shaking hands. “Let’s get you home.”
Regina opens the passenger door of her mother’s car to find her making a TikTok lip-sync to some random sound, and she’s grateful, just this once, for her mother’s phone addiction if it means she missed Regina having a breakdown in the fucking parking lot.
“Hey besties,” Mrs. George coos as she starts the car. “Did you slay your day today?”
“Totally,” Cady says from the backseat, and Regina bites her tongue.
Cady at least has the decency to wait until they’re alone in Regina’s bedroom before she starts being nosy.
“Regina, that was really scary. I really think you need to talk to someone,” Cady says, hands on hips.
“Oh, was it scary for you? I’m sorry. I had a great time,” Regina says sarcastically, dumping her bag on the floor.
Cady sighs. “Can you not be like that? I’m worried about you.”
“Okay, whatever. I’ll talk to the school counselor of something,” Regina says, even though she has absolutely no intentions of doing that.
Cady sees right through her, as usual. “I don’t believe you.”
Regina lifts one shoulder. “You can back out of this anytime, Cady,” she says tiredly.
“Huh?”
“This is a lot. I’m a lot,” Regina forces herself to say, sitting on her bed and looking at her hands. “You don’t have to take my calls if it’s too much. I’d get it.”
“Regina, sweetie, no,” Cady says, rushing over to sit next to Regina. “It’s not about me. You need help. This isn’t normal.”
Regina’s lip curls. “Sorry I’m not normal enough for you.”
“Can you not twist my words on purpose? It’s annoying and you know what I mean,” Cady says, and Regina kind of wants to throttle her. “I love you, Regina. I want you to feel better.”
Well, that disarms her. Cady’s never said that to her before. The words burrow into Regina’s chest, clawing out a space and pulsing painfully against her ribs.
“Okay,” Regina finally concedes. “I’ll think about it.”
Cady’s mouth twists, like she’s not totally satisfied with that answer, but she nods. “Thank you.”
“Can we talk about something else?” Regina asks. “Literally anything else.”
Cady heaves a sigh, then says, “I’m not with Aaron anymore.”
Regina turns to look at her so fast it actually hurts her neck and she winces. “What?”
“I mean,” Cady says, tilting her head back to look at the ceiling. “We weren’t officially official. Like officially boyfriend-and-girlfriend official.”
“Say official again.”
“Sorry,” Cady says with an amused exhale. “But I don’t know. It just kind of… fizzled out.”
“He’s boring,” Regina supplies.
“Regina!” Cady scolds. “I don’t know. There was no…” She searches the ceiling like it holds the answer. “Spark.”
Regina bites her lip and says nothing. She’s familiar with this spark. She feels it every time Cady looks at her, or laughs, or takes her hand.
“Right,” Regina says. “Sorry to hear that?”
“Are you?”
Regina stares at her. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Cady ducks her head. “Nothing. Sorry. I’m being cranky.”
“I don’t like Aaron, Cady,” Regina says. She needs Cady to know this. And apparently neither do you, she wants to add.
“I know,” Cady says. “Sorry.”
“I like someone else,” Regina says thoughtlessly, then immediately feels like she’s going to throw up. What the fuck? Why did she say that?
Cady looks at her sharply, eyes wide. “Really?” she says.
“Uh.” Regina looks around the room like there’s something in here that will help her. “Let’s not. Pretend I didn’t say that.”
“Who is it?” Cady asks, but something in her voice sounds weird.
Regina gives her a pained look. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
A hurt look crosses over Cady’s face, and Regina briefly considers telling her the name of some random guy at school so Cady doesn’t feel like Regina doesn’t trust her, but she really should stop digging her own grave. It’s deep enough.
“Fine,” Cady says. She pulls a textbook and a notebook out of her backpack and drops it on the bed.
Regina sighs and does the same. Her AP exams are in a week, but she finds that she can’t focus on her flashcards.
Cady is waiting outside the classroom when Regina turns in her AP English Language exam. She bounces on her toes and shoves a Hershey’s Cookies & Cream candy bar in her face.
“What’s this for?” Regina asks, batting it away to examine it.
“It’s your favorite, right?” Cady asks, which doesn’t answer Regina’s question, but it does make her narrow her eyes.
“Who told you that?”
“Shane,” Cady says with a shrug.
“You asked Shane what my favorite candy is?” Regina asks with a raised eyebrow, and watches with fascination as Cady blushes and shrugs again.
“Just…” she says, scuffing her sneaker against the ground. “Congrats. On finishing your APs.”
“I. Uh.” Regina stares at the candy bar in her hand. “Thanks. That’s, um, really sweet.”
Cady smiles at her. “It should be. It has twenty-one grams of sugar.”
Regina stops mid-stride. “Did you look at the nutrition facts in case you could make that joke?”
Cady skips ahead of her. “Maybe.”
“You’re a nerd,” Regina calls after her, not caring who turns to look at her.
“So are you!” Cady says over her shoulder.
God help her.
“Hey,” Regina says, leaning against Cady’s locker after the final bell rings. “Want a ride home?”
Cady looks at her, confused. “Is your mom coming?”
Regina shakes her head, instead dangling her keys in front of Cady’s face.
Cady’s eyes get big. “You can drive again!”
“I can drive again,” Regina confirms. And not a moment too soon—she’s had enough mother-daughter bonding car rides to last for the rest of her life, and probably for several years after she dies.
“Then sure!” Cady bounces on her toes a little. “Let’s get ice cream!”
Regina smiles at her excitement. “Sure.”
Cady skips all the way to the car, hair fluttering in the breeze. The warm tendrils of summer are drifting through the air, reminding Regina that this hell year is almost behind her.
Cady rolls down the window and sticks her head out into the wind a little like a dog, and Regina once again asks herself why and how she fell for this complete and total loser.
“Cady, if you get decapitated my insurance is going to go up,” Regina warns her.
Cady finally sits back against the seat. “That would be very sad for you.”
“Well, it would be for my dad.”
They’re quiet for awhile, then Regina glances at Cady out of the corner of her eye to find her looking at her and smiling.
“What?” Regina asks self-consciously as she pulls into the parking lot of Cold Stone.
“Nothing,” Cady says. “You’re just pretty.”
Regina bites her lip and busies herself with unbuckling her seatbelt. “Shut up.”
“No.”
“I’m gonna order your ice cream and have them put Heath Bar in it,” Regina threatens before slamming her door.
That gets Cady scrambling out of the car. “You wouldn’t!”
Regina laughs. She knows Cady hates the way the toffee bits make her teeth stick together. “Try me.”
Cady pouts while they wait in line until Regina folds. “Jeez, relax. Order your own ice cream.”
“I like it when you do it,” Cady complains.
Regina rolls her eyes, annoyed with herself for finding Cady’s propensity for clamming up when she has to place an order endearing. “Fine.”
They take their ice cream back to Regina car and eat in silence for a few minutes.
“Have you thought more about talking to someone? Like the school counselor?” Cady asks.
Regina makes a face at her but otherwise ignores the question.
“Regina,” Cady whines.
“I’ve thought about it.”
“And?”
“And… I’ve thought about it. I don’t know what else you want me to say.”
“I want you to say you’ll make an appointment,” Cady says quietly.
“And then they’ll what, exactly? Tell me to do some breathing exercises?” Regina says, trying to keep the exasperation out of her tone. “I’m tired of going to appointments and answering questions. I’m fine.”
Cady sighs like a disappointed father but drops it, and Regina is grateful.
For the first time in weeks, Regina is drunk. Well, she’s tipsy, at least. She needs to be, for this incredibly boring nature documentary Cady is making her watch.
Okay, maybe making is the wrong word, because Cady had asked one time and Regina had agreed, because she finds that she can’t say no to Cady when it comes to most things.
Somehow, while they were passing the bottle of flavored vodka between them, they became shoulder-to-shoulder on Regina’s bed, Cady’s arm warm and soft against Regina’s own. When Cady giggles at something not even remotely funny, Regina can feel the vibrations of her laughter.
“Regina?” Cady asks.
“Hm?”
“Can I sleep over?”
Regina looks at the time on her phone and sees that it’s past eleven, and she’s certainly not sober enough to drive Cady home now. She doesn’t think Cady’s mom would be too happy with Cady arriving home in her current state, either.
“Yeah, ‘course.”
“Thanks.”
Regina feels her eyelids drooping as the British narrator drones on about the hunting habits of cheetahs or something, feeling warm and cozy and safe despite the ominous background music in the documentary.
She’s not sure if she imagines it, but she thinks Cady strokes her hair as she falls asleep.
When Regina’s eyes snap open, there’s a warm weight settled on her chest. It makes it even harder to breathe as she gasps for air, thrashing against whatever it is that’s pinning her down.
Finally, the weight dislodges and Regina sits bolt upright, the side of her head colliding sharply with something solid.
“Ow!”
Regina looks around wildly. Her eyes focus on the television, which is open to the Netflix home screen. Then she sees Cady, sitting next to her, hands pressed to her nose.
Right. Cady is sleeping over. Well, clearly not sleeping anymore.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Regina says, voice scratching against her throat. Despite the terror that is still flowing through her veins, she tugs one of Cady’s hands away. “Are you bleeding?”
Cady shakes her head. “No, no, I’m fine. I swear.”
“I’m so sorry,” Regina whispers. Her head hurts where she apparently bludgeoned Cady in the face. God, this was such a bad idea.
“Regina, shut up,” Cady says, gingerly removing her other hand. She reaches over and presses it to Regina’s chest instead, feeling her heartbeat. She grabs Regina’s hand and places it on her own chest. “Breathe with me, okay?”
Regina wishes she could explain to Cady why having her hand right above her boob does not calm her down, but she forces herself to breathe. She gets some air in her lungs before she sees that Cady’s nose is bleeding, just a tiny bit, but it makes tears well up in her eyes.
“Whoa, hey,” Cady says, reaching for her. “Regina, it’s okay.”
Regina ducks out of her grasp and snags a tissue out of the box on her nightstand, handing it to Cady. “You’re bleeding,” she practically sobs, and—great. Now she’s ugly crying.
“I’m fine,” Cady says, dabbing at her nose. “It’s fine.”
Well, the ball is rolling down the hill now, and Regina is crying harder than she has in years.
“Regina,” Cady says gently, pulling Regina into her and wrapping her arms around her shoulders. “Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” She keeps repeating it like a mantra, whispering it into Regina’s ear until Regina feels drained, dry, empty. And Cady keeps holding her.
God, why is Cady even still here? Regina would have abandoned herself a long time ago if she could.
Gently, Cady presses a kiss to Regina’s temple. “I love you, Gi,” she says.
Regina stiffens as her heart squeezes. Was she really such a bad person that the only person who will hang out with her is the one who hurts to look at? Wasn’t the bus enough?
“What? What’s wrong?” Cady asks when Regina wiggles out of her grasp.
“Cady,” Regina says, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes. Signals are getting mixed, the residual panic from her nightmare coalescing with the butterflies that appear whenever Cady touches her. “I can’t do this right now.”
“Do what?” Cady asks quietly.
“Why are you so nice to me?” Regina asks. She’s not sure why she’s asking now, but she needs to know. Even if Cady is the nicest, most patient person in the world, this is too much work. She doesn’t see what Cady is getting out of it.
“What?” Cady says. “Because you’re my friend.”
“Gretchen and Karen are my ‘friends,’” Regina says, holding her fingers up in air quotes.
“Not very good ones,” Cady grumbles.
“This is too much for you,” Regina presses. Obviously, she doesn’t want Cady to stop hanging out with her. Obviously. But it seems worse to dump all of her problems on Cady. Maybe it’s time to cut her losses. “You have to know you can’t fix me.”
“I’m not trying to fix you,” Cady says. “I want to help you, but that’s not why I spend time with you. I like you.”
“I like Shane, but if he started having breakdowns in parking lots and head-butting me in the middle of the night I’d probably cut it off,” Regina argues.
“No, Regina,” Cady says, hands fisting in the blanket. “I like you.”
“Again, I like—”
Cady makes a noise of frustration. “Regina. Use your brain. The way I feel about you is not the same as the way you feel about Shane.”
That makes Regina look at her, really look at her. Cady is staring at her intensely, shoulders squared, like she’s determined to make Regina understand her.
Oh.
Oh.
“Wait.” This is not computing in her brain. Does Cady really mean…? “You like me? What?”
“I do,” Cady says quietly, breaking eye contact to look at the bedspread. “And I get it if you don’t want to hang out with me anymore, but I really care about you, Regina. Please stop trying to convince me otherwise.”
Regina stares at her for a long time. Like, a really long time. She’s begging her mouth to function, but it’s currently frozen slightly open as she does nothing but stare at Cady.
“Can you say something? Please?” Cady whispers.
Regina would love to. Finally, she reengages her mouth muscles. “Oh,” is all that comes out of her mouth. “Uh, wow.”
It’s not helpful. Regina can tell by the way Cady tenses. Come on brain, you can do this.
“Sorry, um. This is just. Kind of crazy to me?” Regina says hesitantly. It shouldn’t be so difficult to say, not when Cady literally just told her she feels the same way. Still, unlocking that box is hard. “Because like. I’ve liked you for a long time.”
Cady’s head snaps up. “What?” she says, quite loudly, then presses her hands over her mouth.
“It’s fine. My room is soundproofed,” Regina says, and Cady gets a mischievous look on her face at that. It makes Regina flush hot, and she kind of wants to shove Cady off the bed so she’ll stop looking at her like that.
“For real? Like for real, for real?” Cady asks. She’s grinning like an idiot, which is kind of crazy, because Regina kind of feels like she wants to throw up.
“Unfortunately,” Regina confirms.
Cady scrunches up her nose. “Don’t be mean to me.”
“If you insist,” Regina says, flopping back against the pillows, suddenly exhausted and a little skeptical that she won’t wake up tomorrow and realize this was all a crazy dream.
Cady immediately snuggles up next to her, and Regina kind of can’t stop smiling.
“For how long?” Cady asks.
“That’s none of your business,” Regina says, cringing. She knows Cady is pouting, but if she doesn’t look at her, it doesn’t have power over her.
“I’ll get it out of you eventually,” Cady grumbles. Regina doesn’t doubt it, but she can dodge it.
They’re quiet for awhile as Regina’s brain processes everything that has happened in the last twenty minutes. It feels like lightning is skittering across her skin, but she isn’t sure if it’s left over from her earlier panic or because of Cady. With a jolt, she realizes that she wants to know the difference—needs to know the difference. She wants to be able to kiss Cady and not confuse it with a panic attack. Cady deserves someone who isn’t a fucking mess all the time.
“What are you thinking about?” Cady whispers, her words hot against Regina’s cheek.
Regina’s arm tightens around Cady.
“Just something I have to do on Monday,” Regina says.
“Did I tell you yet how proud I am of you?”
“Mm, only forty-seven times, I think,” Regina says wryly.
“Well, I am,” Cady says.
“I know.”
“And I’ll be right here when I’m done,” Cady says, planting her feet purposefully on the floor.
“If I see you’ve moved at all I’ll be really disappointed.”
Cady makes a face at her and squeezes her hand one last time, pecking Regina on the cheek. “Love you,” she says. “Proud of you.”
Regina kind of pushes at her face and says, “Shut up.”
Whatever. She’s working on this talking about feelings thing still. But she gives Cady a quick kiss before she pushes open the door to the school counselor’s office, looking over her shoulder at Cady one last time.
Cady makes a goofy face and gives her a thumbs-up.
She’s such a dork. What would Regina do without her?