Chapter Text
Riki fell in love when he was fifteen.
No, scratch that. Riki realized he was in love when he was fifteen.
It was in the summer. Sweat trailed down the back of his neck as he watched Sim Jaeyun walk across the stage, accepting his diploma from the principal, and smiling for the picture being taken by his family in the crowd.
That smile tugged at Riki’s heart, made his skin crawl, and he decided that no matter what—he was going to confess to his Jake hyung. Even if the older boy was graduating and going off to university. Even if they had a noticeable age difference. Even if Jake is a boy. He didn’t care about all those things. All he cared about was telling Jake how much he liked him.
Well, that was until Riki watched as Jake ran off the stage as soon as all the graduates were able to stand up, into Sunghoon’s arms, and kissed him.
Oh, right. Riki also got his heart broken at fifteen. By the same person.
Riki hated the summer.
★
When Riki first met Jake, it was in the spring.
Riki never enjoyed high school. Every morning, he genuinely dreaded it.
His friends, Sunoo and Jungwon, encouraged him to join the soccer team—since the only class he particularly enjoyed was art and the dance club after school, which wasn’t even a class.
So, he joined the soccer team. There were a lot of people who tried out, from different grades as well. But there was only one person who caught his attention.
Jake was a shy person at first, and a little awkward, too. He’s also competitive when it comes to playing but really friendly, and he made a good captain. Sometimes, he’d get too excited during games and accidentally fuck it up for the team, to which he would nervously giggle and apologize repeatedly to the others. He bragged about his skills and would sometimes provoke their teammates during practices so he could show off. And when he lost, he’d just sheepishly smile and mumble some kind of excuse like, "The sun was in my eyes, I couldn’t see!"
Riki admired him, regardless. And that was all he felt for Jake. Admiration. Yeah.
But then, it started to become something more. When Jake had become comfortable with Riki, he learned that Jake is able to charm pretty much anyone with his pure-hearted personality. He liked being mischevious and playful. Anytime he entered a room, Jake just radiated positive energy. He was the embodiment of the sun.
Every time Jake’s smile reached his eyes, or when he showed pictures of his dog Layla, or when he got excited over Lego of all things, or whenever he giggled at Riki’s stupid jokes, or when he’d act cute to get something he wanted, or when Riki stared at his lips every time he bit his straw–
Okay. Yeah. Basically, Riki really liked Jake. And even though he didn’t want to, he couldn’t stop. Not when, in his eyes, Jake was everything to him.
And Riki has always been a little reckless, a little bold with his actions. When he wanted something, he wouldn't stop until he got it. His heart and mind was set on winning Jake over, even if he was older and saw Riki as a cute younger brother (when Jake called him that, it did indeed swayed Riki’s confidence a little). Even if Jungwon and Sunoo told him it was impossible for Jake to accept him. But he wasn’t going to give up. He was going to show Jake that he can be so much more than a little kid.
His plan was set in stone.
Then, Park Sunghoon had to just ruin everything.
★
“Dude, what did the chicken do to you?”
Riki realized that he was aggressively stabbing the chicken in his lunch tray, while he stared at Sunghoon and Jake from across the cafeteria. He glared at Sunoo, who snickered with Jungwon. He let go of the death grip he unconsciously had on his chopsticks and tried to sound stern, but instead ending up whining, “Guys, shut up. This is serious. That guy is straight up stealing Jake hyung from me in real time.”
“He was never yours in the first place,” Jungwon pointed out, like the smart ass he is. “Plus, Sunghoon hyung is a nice guy. You should be happy for them.”
“Oh, okay. Yeah, I’ll be happy for them. Maybe from afar, so I can think of all the ways to subtly kill someone and hide their body.”
Jungwon and Sunoo exchange a concerned look with each other. Sunoo asked rather seriously, “Riki, have you ever considered getting therapy?”
Riki scowled and glanced back at where Jake and Sunghoon were sitting at their table, along with Jay and Heeseung. Sunghoon wasn’t the type of person to show any sort of PDA, but unfortunately for Riki, Jake was. He would whisper in Sunghoon’s ear, giggle, smile, kiss his cheek, tug him down for a hug—and fuck, Riki looked away before he genuinely started to cry.
“Aww, Riki-yah,” Jungwon threw an arm around his shoulders, giving him a reassuring side hug. “We get it, you really like Jake hyung. And I get why, too. But, you really should move on. There are other people out there! Who are around your age. And, you know, that are actually single.”
“Yeah,” Sunoo chided, his voice softer after seeing how upset Riki seemed. “Do you want to go to the studio after school and dance to Shinee songs?”
Riki cracked a grin at that and nodded. Even if Sunoo and Jungwon were almost always menaces, he's still lucky to have them as friends.
★
“I like you, Jake hyung.”
Riki didn’t know why he was even there in the first place, standing outside the busy restaurant, the chatter of people and laughter coming from inside. Everyone was there to celebrate Jake, Jay, and Sunghoon’s graduation. Heeseung was there too, even Sunoo and Jungwon.
Before the dinner, Riki had perfected his plan. He bought flowers from an old lady, told her it was for a friend, even though that’s far from what he considered Jake. No one had bought Jake flowers (well, except Sunghoon, of course, his literal fucking boyfriend) and Riki thought it was the perfect time to admit his feelings. While everyone was still inside, Riki pulled Jake outside to talk to him.
He just hoped he was subtle enough.
Jake blinked, his head titled like a puppy. “You… like me?” Then, he huffed out a laugh. “Well, duh. Of course I know that, Riki-san. I like you too.”
Riki scoffed. Okay, that stung a little. Is Jake really that oblivious? Does he not see the flowers in Riki’s hands?
“No, hyung,” Riki shoved the flowers into Jake’s chest, a little more aggressively than he attended, urging him to take them. “I like you. More than a friend or brother.”
The realisation settled into Jake’s expression. His eyes widened and his lips parted in shock. “Oh, Riki, I–” his voice was soft around the edges, and Riki really hated hearing the hint of pity in his tone. “Riki-san, I’m dating Sunghoon. And… and besides. I’m three years older than you. You’re still a kid, so–”
“No, wait, stop,” Riki held up his hand, the tips of his ears burning in…embarrassment? Frustration? Regret? “I know. Obviously, I’m not stupid. I’m not asking you to, like, date me. I knew I was going to get rejected. I just— wanted to tell you before you go off to university. I’ve liked you since the day I met you, hyung.”
Jake’s smile was sad when he said, “I hope you can find someone better than me. And…ah, who am I kidding? You will find someone else. You’re such a good person, Riki-san. I’m so proud of you.”
You will find someone else.
Perhaps confessing to Jake should have lifted some pressure off Riki’s shoulders. But it didn’t. No, he didn’t want to find someone else. No one could ever replace Jake.
That night, Riki cried himself to sleep thinking of Jake’s pretty smile that was caused by Sunghoon, and not by him.
★
Sunghoon entered his shared apartment, toeing off his shoes and hanging his coat on the rack. He heard laughter from the living room, and Sunghoon didn’t have to see to know who it was.
“Jay-yah, do you really have to cheat?” Jake exclaimed, aggressively slamming the buttons of his controller.
Jay, who was sprawled out casually next to Jake, dug his toes into Jake’s side—Jake screeched in pain, flinching away and Jay’s laughter rang through the room. “Tell me how this is cheating, Jake?”
Sunghoon shook his head fondly at his friends. He crossed the room, leaned down, and stole a kiss from Jake who jumped. “Ah, Hoonie! I’m in the—” he couldn’t even finish his sentence. The words GAME OVER flashed across the screen. Jake dropped the controller in disbelief and threw a mock glare at Sunghoon. “I was in the middle of the game.”
“Sorry, baby,” Sunghoon pinched Jake’s cheek to which he scowled at, but Sunghoon still saw the way his cheeks coloured at the pet name. “Just couldn’t resist. You look so cute when you’re focused.”
“Ooo-kay,” Jay drawled, abruptly standing up. “This is my cue to leave. You guys are so painfully corny.”
“You’re just mad because you've been pining over Heeseung hyung for years and he hasn’t noticed you yet!”
“That’s—that’s completely irrelevant!” Jay shouted back over his shoulder, Jake and Sunghoon bursting into a fit of giggles. “Besides, we’re working things out. It’s different now.”
Jake and Sunghoon exchanged an amused look, and Jay just huffed as he put on his shoes, grabbed his bag, and car keys. “Anyway, don’t forget—the kids are having their celebration dinner tomorrow. Don’t be late. They really want to see everyone. See ya, losers!”
The door clicked shut behind Jay and there was brief silence in their apartment. Jake started to clean up the scattered physics textbooks and random assignments all over the coffee table and floor. They must have been studying before but most likely got distracted. Sunghoon sat across from Jake and asked curiously, “Celebration dinner?”
Jake raised his eyebrows, gasping dramatically, “How could you forget?! Remember—Sunoo, Jungwon, and Riki-san graduated last week. It’s unfortunate we couldn’t be there for their convocation. But at least we can have dinner with them, right?”
“Oh, right!” Sunghoon huffed out a laugh at how dramatic his boyfriend could be. “We haven’t seen those guys in a while, huh? Almost four years, I think.”
Jake sighed sadly, absentmindedly pressing the buttons of his controller. “Yeah. The last time I saw Riki was when he—”
The silence made Sunghoon raise an eyebrow suspiciously. He tilted his head as Jake caught himself just in time, as if he almost said something he shouldn’t have. Sunghoon could have changed the topic for the sake of his boyfriend. But, he was also curious. “When he…?”
“Uh. Like… um,” Jake stuttered, laughing nervously. “He kind of, um, confessed to me?”
“Wait,” Sunghoon blinked. “Riki confessed to you?”
Jake scoffed, glaring at Sunghoon but he really just looked like an angry pup. “Yes, he confessed to me at our graduation. During dinner. But that was years ago. And…ugh. Do you know how bad I felt when I had to reject that poor kid? He looked like a sad little duck. So, like, just forget about it, okay? And don’t you dare tease him about it!”
Sunghoon held his hands up in surrender, “Hey, I didn’t even do anything yet!”
Jake narrowed his eyes, “Yet?”
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to say anything,” Sunghoon reached over the coffee table, taking Jake’s hand in his, marvelling at how red his knuckles were and running the pad of his thumb over the skin softly. “He must have had a lot of courage to do that. He’s really a passionate kid, you know?”
“Of course I know,” Jake giggled as he puffed his chest out, looking way too confident. “I pretty much raised him on my back.”
“And yet you were absent for four years of his life.”
“I was busy with mine!”
“That’s not what a good parent would say.”
“Hey, don’t call me his parent! He literally had a crush on me, that’s weird!”
Sunghoon furrowed his eyebrows, “Didn’t you just imply that you raised him like a single parent?”
“Oh just shut up, smartass,” Jake grumbled. “You hang out with Jjongseong too much.”
Sunghoon couldn’t help it. Jake was just too cute whenever he sulked. In one swift movement, Sunghoon connected their lips from across the coffee table, his fingers grasping Jake’s jaw, slotting their mouths perfectly against each other. Jake was pliant, always melting into Sunghoon’s kisses. He moved his hand into his hair, feeling the soft locks against his skin.
“You really are a weirdo, you know that?” Jake mumbled against Sunghoon’s lips. “You always kiss me when I curse you out.”
“You’re just too cute, Ikeu,” Sunghoon pulled back—the flush on Jake’s cheeks was enough for Sunghoon to peck him one last time. “I love you.”
Jake smiled, it was the same smile that Sunghoon fell in love with five years ago.
“Love you too, Hoon-ah.”
★
The minute Riki walked in, Jake didn't recognize him at first.
It was safe to say that Riki was radiating confidence. He was dressed sharply, too. An all black outfit--a blazer with sleek pants. The pendant on his silver necklace glinted in the lighting as he hugged Jay and Heeseung. Even his hair cut was something else entirely. Jake remembered the shaggy brown locks from high school. Now, his hair was fully dark, cut from the sides. His smile was small and yet, it still exuded maturity as he took a seat next to Sunghoon. Then, they were making eye contact and. Oh. Jake was staring.
"Jake hyung," Riki nodded in acknowledgement, and holy shit, when did his voice get so fucking deep? "It's been a while."
"Yeah-" Jake cleared his throat as his voice unexpectedly cracked. He could have sworn Jay was snickering at his demise, but both Sunghoon and Riki were staring at him in confusion and Jake needed to hurry up and fucking say something. "It has. You look great, Riki-san."
The restaurant slowly started to buzz with laughter and chatter, a familiar atmosphere of warmth and celebration. They ordered a bunch of food, various drinks, and everyone was having a good time.
It was weird to see Riki again after three years. He was nothing like the same fifteen year old that confessed to Jake on his graduation. He carried himself coherently, cracked a few jokes, offered to pour Heeseung's drinks for him, and he even made small talk with their waiter.
"Jake, are you okay?" Sunghoon whispered into his ear at one point. "You've been spacing out a lot."
Jake hummed in response, "Of course. Just thinking how proud I am of the kids."
"Oh, okay, mother. Don't get too sentimental on us," Sunghoon grinned, turning back to the table, and that was the end of their conversation.
And Jake tried. He tried hard to focus on the lively conversations happening around the table. But he couldn’t. Not when all he could think about was Riki. His rich, deep voice. His laugh. The way he carried himself. It was all too surreal. Why is Riki making it hard to focus, anyway? What is Jake actually feeling? Honestly, it was probably just admiration. The way Riki was able to change drastically in just a few years. Maybe he really was feeling sentimental.
”So, Jake hyung,” Sunoo’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts and suddenly, everyone’s attention was on him. “Your anniversary with Sunghoonie hyung is coming up, right?”
“Ah, you remember the date?” Jake shook his head, laughing fondly. “Yes. I can’t believe we’ve been dating since…what, junior year?”
“I wonder which friend is the one who made you guys hook up in the first place,” Jay pondered, feigning thoughtfulness. “Oh right, it was me. You’re welcome.”
“You always have to make it about yourself, huh?” Heeseung teased, to which Jay rolled his eyes in response.
“Yeah, junior year,” Sunghoon agreed, his lips in a small smile. “And, I guess if it wasn’t for Jay introducing me to Jake, I wouldn’t have met the love of my life.”
Everyone at the table started to gag. Well, except for Riki.
“What do you like about Sunghoon hyung, Jake?”
“Huh?” Jake swallowed the lump of nerves stuck in his throat. Judging from Riki’s gaze, he looked genuinely curious. But deep down, Jake felt like the conversation was taking a turn. Why is he suddenly feeling sick? “Oh—I mean, a lot of things.”
“Like what?” Riki titled his head.
What the fuck is happening. Why can’t Jake think of anything. Sunghoon looked expectant. All his friends were staring.
“He’s always been nice to me,” Jake forced out eventually. “And gentle. He treats me right. Always has.”
Their friends cooed at his answer. Jake could feel his ears getting warmer at the attention. Sunghoon put an arm around his shoulders, pecking his cheek. “Jakey, you always know how to flatter me, you know that? You’re so cute.”
Jake’s smile didn’t fully reach his eyes. Instead, he was looking right at Riki from across the table.
★
As the night dragged on, Jake found himself outside, leaning against the wall as he watched cars drive by. The sky was empty, besides the full moon that seemed to illuminate the area, even from far away. It was quite cold, the air biting at his skin. He probably shouldn’t have taken off his suit blazer. But it was definitely a lot more humid in the restaurant.
“Jake hyung?”
There goes the moment of peace Jake had all night. His eyes snapped open to see Riki standing there next to him, concerned etched on his face. “Are you okay?”
“I just needed to be alone for a while,” Jake murmured softly. “Got a little overwhelming in there.”
Riki hummed, “Do you want me to leave?”
“No!” Jake said a little too loudly for it to be considered casual. Riki raised an eyebrow, his eyes glinting mischievously. Jake chuckled nervously as he looked away. “You can stay.”
“Okay.”
They stood there in comfortable silence and watched the street light flicker on and off. Jake glanced at Riki, but he was already looking at him.
“So, are you nervous for university?” Jake asked quietly. Why did Riki have to stare at him so intently…and why is it affecting him so much? “Signed up for your classes yet?”
“I’m doing a dance major,” Riki said. “And I also got into a few art electives.”
“That’s great,” Jake grinned. “You were always so good at dancing. I bet you’re so much better now.”
“You can always come and watch, hyung,” Riki suggested, his tone enticing.
“Maybe I will.”
The gravel underneath Riki’s shoes crunched as he shifted, stepping closer to Jake. Their shoulders brushed against each other and Jake could feel his heart spiking. He tilted his head back (fuck, why did Riki have to get so tall?), staring back into Riki’s gaze.
“Hyung,” his voice was small, yet it sounded so soothing, Jake wanted to hear him all the time. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Jake whispered, his own voice breathless.
“I still like you,” Jake watched as Riki’s adam’s apple bobbed in his throat. He watched his lips enunciate each word that came from his mouth. “I tried to stop. But I can’t. I saw you today and… I—”
“Jake, you out here—oh! Riki?”
They immediately separated. Jake’s heart was in his throat as he nervously flit his eyes between Sunghoon and Riki. “Uh… you need something, Hoonie?”
“I was just going to let you know that I’m ready to leave whenever you are,” Sunghoon’s eyebrows were furrowed a little. “Are you two okay? You look like you’re going to throw up.”
Yeah, I think I am, Jake mused in his head. “I’m fine. We can leave, now.”
Sunghoon nodded, glanced between Riki and Jake one last time, before he headed back inside the restaurant to grab his coat.
Riki caught his wrist just before Jake could leave. “Hyung—”
“I’m sorry,” Jake shook his wrist out of the desperate grip Riki had on him. “I have to go.”
Just then, Sunghoon appeared again. He hugged Riki tightly, bid him goodbye, wrapped an arm around Jake’s waist, amd guided him to the sidewalk. And in that small span of time, Jake avoided the despair in Riki’s eyes.
★