Chapter Text
Rage. Betrayal. Bitterness. Denial. Betrayal. That's what Childe felt at the moment. That's the only thing Childe felt at this exact time. All of what happened was spirling through his head, reminders, dreams, visions, events, everything, concerning him.
Betrayal. The feeling or action of getting betrayed by somebody or something. Betrayed. Betray. To hurt somebody's trusts. He betrayed him yet he didn't. He never truly said he was a mortal. He never introduced himself as such so could it be considered betrayal? It hurt. It hurt to know that the person he trusted... No.... Loved had never thought about revealing his true self yet it also hurt to know that his anger was wrong since he never lied.
It was complicated. All of this was. Childe hurt and loved. He always did. Emotions weren't his most powerful trait yet after all, he was still human, no matter what happened to him in the abyss. A human, fragile, burdened by emotions. That's what made him human, emotions. They strengthened and weakened him. Emotions burdened him with desires, joys, tears, anger and he wasn't free, could never be.
So Childe did what he had to, he hurt and loved. And a person who most strongly summoned these emotions? Him. Zhongli, consultant of the Wangsheng Parlor, xiansheng, Morex, Rex Lapis, Prime adeptus, Geo Archon, God of Contracts, God of History, Lord of Rock, the Groundbreaker, Warrior God. Half these names, bitter tasting anytime Childe uttered them yet Zhongli.... Zhongli sounded right.... His xiansheng.... It always sounded right, well.... Used to.
But now days? Childe didn't have the heart to do it, didn't have the heart to see him again, meet his eyes, bask in his presence, eat dinners with him, lavish him with gifts. And why? Because of emotions. Always because of emotions. Hurt. Rage. Betrayal. Denial. Sadness. Bitterness. Tears. Anger. What a joke it was, playing trap in his little twisted games. Did he enjoy doing that? Did he enjoy getting hold of his heart and squeezing it, ripping it apart with the same gentle hands that used to hold on his as he corrected his hold on chopsticks?
Was it worth it? Does he miss him? Does he care? Does he love him just as much as Childe did? Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. No. And it hurt. It hurt just as much as a stab would. But that's what this was, wasn't it? He backstabbed him, grabbed hold of his heart and ripped it apart, breaking him down and leaving nothing behind. It hurt. It burned. Everything burned. There was something inside of him, a leaking from deep inside his chest, something he thought he healed a long time ago only for it to be reopened. (Though was it truly closed or was it just forgotten? A bitter memory abandoned in the darkness)
But now opened, to Childes horror, it was wider, leaking and leaking without stopping, sharp pain shooting through his entire being anytime he was reminded of what he had and on what he could've had. Because with Zhongli he never had to be Tartaglie, the blood thristed war machine, with Zhongli he was just Childe. Plain old simple Childe and sometimes, on rare occasions, he could be Ajax. Sweet young Ajax, abandoned by everybody, left to die in the abyss.
But Ajax died, he is dead and Childe is just a face, a mask, so perhaps Tartaglia is the only one left to carry his legacy. That's how it was meant to be and thats what Zhongli has proved to him. That's what the Tsaritsa has proven to him. On that day, that exact damned day was the day he got betrayed, by not one, but two gods. The balladeer was right, gods were greedy, selfish, they don't love, they just take and take, what's theirs and what isn't just like how Zho- no, Morax took his heart and Tsaritsa broke his trust.
Because he was disposable, no matter how much he denied. A toy used to the will of gods, thrown around as pleased before being forgotten once he broke. He was a warrior, he thought he was indispensable but now his eyes have been opened, anybody can kill whoever they are commanded to kill, he wasn't special, he was just an abyss monster with a leash on him. Borned to wreak havoc and that's just what he will do. He will prove it.
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“You're not special
for winning a game
With someone who
you know was never playing
She could've killed you
She had every right
You just caught her off
guard tonight”
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A lifeless body fell to the ground, the hilichurls mask crack around the edges with black sludge falling in waves from the open wounds. A cry of rage was heard as a hilichurl took notice of his own, dead on the ground, ripped to shreds but before it could do as much to move and get revenge, an arrow went right through its head, killing it in a matter of seconds.
And then a boot came into view. In the last few seconds of its lowly life, as its sins.... His sins came flashing before his eyes, memories of the past, of what had been, the gods' fury as they destroyed everything, the hilichurl.... The man who once had a normal life raised his head, a small whimper like sound coming from that inhuman creature.
Before his eyes came in view a mop of fiery hair, a pale freckled face and..... Those eyes, a dark noctilucous jade shade so lovely had it not been for that unsettling cold expression, no light, no pity, no nothing inside of them. And with a final last gasp for breath the hilichurls soul was finally released, free from its shackles with only one thought in mind.... This man, this man was the real monster, never me.
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“Clever as the devil
And
Twice as pretty”
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Watching as boats set sail, fatui all over the place, running around and doing their jobs, the same lifeless eyes were seen again as the owner of those eyes, a tall yet lean man stared at the land they just left behind. His sharp eyes flickering around as he watched the harbor with an unreadable expression on his face.
He glanced around the crowd of people that were doing their daily business relaxing on the docks before his eyes landed on a man. Brown hair, golden tips and amber soft eyes. A look he used to love. The man swallowed harshly but his eyes seemed to soften as he saw the man stare right at him from the crowd, back straight with his hands tucked elegantly behind his back. The ginger man's shoulders slumped a bit and with a small wave he turned around and left, not bearing to see the brunette anymore as that inside wound pulsed again in agony.
“Lord Harbinger!“ a voice startled the ginger out of his daze. He must've been thinking for a long time because the harbor was no longer in view, only an endless sea. It was pretty. And he was undeserving to stare at such beautifulness. He looked away and to the person who approached him.
“Ekaterina” he said curtly, acknowledging her. With a hand over her chest she straightens her stance, bringing her legs together closed and bowing down. “Get up.“ he told her before his eyes softened a bit “How have you been?“ he asked her, almost hesitantly. “..... Good....“ Ekaterina answered, looking to the side. “So I see” The ginger chuckled with a hint of sadness. “This is it, isn't it?“ he thought out loud.
“It's been an honor” the woman agreed. The man sighed and shook his head “What is it that you have seeked my presence for?“ The ginger asked before wincing slightly. Archons did he start sounding like Zhongli. “Your meeting appointment with sir Dottore.“ Ekaterina told him, a tingle of pity in her voice. His jaw clenched before he took a deep breath. “Understood, just... Leave the files containing the details on my desk Ekaterina” he ordered, making her nod.
“Very well…..“ she muttered but even so she seemed hesitant to leave. She returned her look, a bit tad confused before she shook her head and left. Leaving him all alone.
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“It's hard to turn the page
When you know someone
Won't be in the next chapter
But the story must go on”
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The boat arrived. He could see the milky lands, gloomy and a sense of dread surged through his body. He didn't wanna go back. He wasn't ready to go back. He wasn't, he wasn't, he was-
He took a step forward, then another and another and before he knew it, he started walking mindlessly, the way already having been burned into his mind enough times that he didn't have to think where he walked. The forest, that familiar log, that familiar tree with scratch marks all over it, the frozen solid lake with countless holes into the ice, fishers surrounding every hole. The fresh, cold air that burned his lungs everytime he breathed in.
It was home. But not the home he wanted, desired, longed after. And it felt wrong, oh so wrong. It wasn't like the sunny days of Liyue, the yelling of merchants as they tried selling their products. It didn't have Xiangling, Guoba, Chef Mao, Hu Tao, Zhongli-
It didn't feel like home anymore because it wasn't Liyue, this was Snezhnaya, and Snezhnaya was cruel. He let out a small puff of air and arranged the scarf around his neck so it covered his mouth as well. It was worthless thinking of a land who felt only hatred for him. So he didn't. Instead he got into his carriage and watched the scenery as he was taken to Zapolyarny Palace. To Dottore. And to face the Tsaritsa.
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“Not friends, not enemies
Just strangers with some
Memories”
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Childe entered his office with a sigh, feeling exhaustion wrap its arms around him and holding him in a tight embrace. He only needed to glance at his desk and see a letter on it to feel a sudden surge of frustration. He took long strides and sat down on his chair, picking up the letter and contemplating whether he should open it or not.
'Open it' a small voice whispered into his ears and he fell for it. Opening the letter only to scrunch his nose in disgust after only reading the first sentence.
“Greetings Tartaglia, my second greatest experiment as of yet,
I give you the pleasure to write to you to inform you of a newly discovered sigil-like object my people have found when dealing with some debt collecting. I have yet to discover its powers and what it is used for but from different experiments conducted, the sigil seems to react greatly to abyss energy.
And that's where you come in, dearest Eleventh of her majesty. And before you even have a chance to start writing a letter back, complaining about how the Tsaritsa told me clear that I shall not conduct any experiments on you, I have her approval on the matter, seeing as she stated and I quote 'Shall the experiment not be directed onto Tartaglia, or cause any harm that can lower his efficiency in battle, the experiment will be fully approved and even encouraged'.
Childe clenched his jaw at that, of course the Tsaritsa wouldn't. After all, as long as he could still carry on doing her dirty work, his feelings didn't matter. Because the Tsaritsa didnt love. It was a fact everyone knew. So Childe swallowed back his sadness, anger, everything away once more and began reading again.
-And so with that happily out of the way, I hope to see you soon, dearest, and let's hope the experiment is a success, lest I have to deal with her majestys wrath. So you as soon once more,
With kind regards,
Dottore, the third of the Tsaritsa”
Childe felt a shiver run down his spine, one of delight at the thought of Dottore facing her majesty's wrath but squashed it down as soon as it came. That would mean that he had gotten hurt and Childe has already suffered enough injuries in the golden house to know better not to test his luck.
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“Don't shine so others can
See you. Shine so that through
You, others can see him.“
༺═───────────────═༻
The Tsaritsa came first. He walked up right up so he could face her directly before he fell on one knee with a hand over his chest as a greeting. “Rise, child” The Tsaritsas voice echoed through the walls made of ice, it wasn't warm but it wasn't cold either and the voice bought a sense of relief to him, like how a child would feel when they have finally found something important to them after a long time.
He missed her.... But that feeling quickly exited his body to leave behind cold anger. He raised his head and met her icy cold gaze and something in him snapped. “Why?“ was the only thing that came from his mouth. She frowned at that but didn't comment on the anger and venom lacing in his voice. “Because it had to be, my child” she answered.
His body trembled from that as he lowered his head, eyes clenched shut. Before he was snapped out of it by a cold hand that cupped his chin raising his head and making Childe realize that the Tsaritsa had gotten up from her throne and walked in front of where he was still on one knee. “Love is a cold and cruel thing. It was never my intention to make you go through all of that, it is all over now, child, and you have managed through all of that on your own, you have made me proud today, my bravest soldier”
Muttered the Tsaritsa. He felt his eyes burn at these words and he leaned into her hand but it was cold.... It was wrong, wrong in so many ways. He raised his head and desperately searched for something in her eyes, love, affection, anything! But nothing, she just stared at him, eyes devoid of emotions and he bit back a sob.
Because he fell for it again. The Tsaritsa didnt love. And he fell for her fake kindness once more. “Your next mission starts in Inazuma, my child, prepare and.... Don't keep Dottore waiting”
And just like that, her cold hand left, and he missed it, even if he didn't like it, he missed it. “Understood” came his dry response, voice cracking a bit in the middle before he turned around and left. And so, the crack inside of him burned.
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“Let us live, since we must die”
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“You seem particularly moody today” Dottore said amused when he had come knocking on his door, first time in a gingerly manner before the second time he swung his hand full force and repeated the motion multiple times.
Dottore opened the door and avoided it perfectly as he was almost punched in the face by Childe. It was an accident because he was gonna knock again, thinking that he won't get a response but Dottore didn't seem to believe him. “And you seem particularly ugly today” Childe grunted back.
He was seated on a small table by Dottore as he first told him that he would need some of his blood. And so that's it. Dottore scoffed, amused and doubled the pressure on his arm on purpose to make Childe grit his teeth in pain. “Good dog” Dottore nodded approvingly when Childe went silent.
Childe expected him to stop after a bit but he just kept going and going, taking his blood until Childe felt like he was milked dry of any. He felt himself grow drowsy, everything was spinning around him and when he was on the brick of fainting, Dottore stopped and lightly slapped his face twice.
Dottore just shrugged and went on his way to test the blood with the sigil, ignoring Childe. “Aha” Dottore chuckled deeply, the voice making Childe feel dread fill him before he quickly shook it off, already feeling better even with the blood loss. Thanks Celestia for the fast healing he gained from the abyss. “Aha what?“ Childe asked him, his voice hoarse.
“Found it!“ Dottore specified, making Childe roll his eyes. “Found your father?“ He sneered, making Dottore pause before throwing him an unimpressed look. “Tsk, childish” he mumbled and went back to whatever he was doing. A few moments of silence followed before the ginger broke the silence with an almost hesitant question. “So…..?“ he asked, making Dottores head perk up, his cyan locks swaying a bit.
“Ah, I see. To summarize it. Ever since you've been in the abyss, with no food to eat, you had to eat whatever you could, which, I presume were the monsters you killed.“ to which Childe nodded, making Dottore grin satisfied. “With all these energy, blood, flesh organs, everything accumulated from the abyss creatures, it was bound for it all to tie to your body, changing a few things about you and making you fit to be a true abyssling. Your blood has also been one change as it is, your blood color is darker and has a tint of purple to it.“
Dottore held up a bottle of his blood. Childe squinted his eyes and glared at the blood but he couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. “The sigil only responds to abyss magic but not in understandable ways, each abyss magic it comes in contact with, it reacts differently but never actually reaches its full potential, the most it does being teleporting the subject from whom it took the blood from somewhere else. The dose of the abysslings magic is not enough for it and since you're an anomaly, half human, half monster” - Childe winced at the sincerity that Dottore saw him as a monster- “Your magic should be stronger than most. Combined with the power of your vision it should be enough to do the trick into making the sigil think that this is the most power it could get and-”
“Okay okay I understand, третий!“ Childe stopped his rambling and massaged his forehead. He never understood how Dottore could do it. That man was too smart for his own good, so good in fact that Childe understood only half of his rambling.
Dottore let out a small puff of air but didn't seem annoyed, more like amused. “Perhaps it would be even better if we tried using yo-” he started saying only for the ginger to stop him with an inhuman hiss. “No.“ Childe said firmly, having already figured out what he wanted to say. The cyan man's lips formed a thin line before he sighed and shrugged. “Very well. Keep the sigil close to you for a few days, see if anything changes or if your feeling anything wrong”
Dottore instructed him. Childe watched the man as he scribbled something in another language in that notebook of his. If the ginger was honest, he had never seen that language before so he had his suspicions that Dottore was the one who created it to use it for his experiments when he wrote something in that old notebook so that nobody could understand his research. Clever. Very clever. Had it not been for Childes' dislike for the man, from the sly ways of his and how he didn't even think of Childe as human, they would've gotten along real well.
Childe nodded in understanding and did as instructed, leaving without bowing or saying anything, even leaving the door open and pretending he didn't hear Dottore's screams for him to close it.
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“Every end is a new beginning”
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For the better of the few next weeks, nothing out of the ordinary happened, Childe felt the same as he always did so his own powers aren't enough to start the sigil. He had mostly done debt collecting while in his mother nation and trained the new recruits so he didn't have much time to pay attention to the sigil.
He had written to his family that he will come back home in about 2 to 3 weeks and had received a letter saying that they're very happy to hear that. He felt a surge of warmness when he read the letter yet the small logical part in him whispered into his ears that they weren't. At least not his parents.
And now, in the darkness of the night, he stood on his bed, the fluffy blanket draped over him in a comforting manner. He stared at the sigil in the middle of the night, finally taking a moment to just stare at it, admire it. The sigil looked similar to one of those used in Liyue- He frowned at that thought though this one seemed to have a different shape. The drawings on it looked more like....
Childe squinted his eyes to observe it better..... A seed....? A sprouting seed? He gently traced the shape that seemed to glow in his touch before he felt a sharp pain shoot right through him, making him choke and let the sigil glow. His body felt like it was on fire but he ignored the pain. Seed. Seed. Seed. Sprouting seed. What was its meaning? Birth? Rebirth? Or maybe… No. He will just have to take a book to read tomorrow about sigil symbols and meanings.
With that in mind, he sighed and turned around in his bed, curling and forgetting about the sigil as he went into a land of dreams.
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He was running. He didn't know where he was running or who he was running from but he was running. His legs protested and his muscles ached but he couldn't stop. He must keep going. Why does he have to keep going again? No matter, he just must. He had to go back to them. He had to go back to who? Where was he? What was he? Who was he?
It didn't matter, he had to keep going. He had to! A roar in the distance, who di it belong to? He didn't know, he had to know, but he didn't. It's like somebody ripped his head open and turned his brain upside down. Where was he? Who was he? What was his purpose? The questions screamed in his head. He heard whispers everywhere. Demanding. Kill. Kill kill. Stab. Twist. Run. Fight.
Whatever was chasing him was approaching. He had to keep running. Faster. Faster. Faster. Faster- a claw came into his view right when he felt a breath on his neck. It slashed at him, narrowingly missing his eye. It burned. He cried. Why was he crying? He needed to fight back! Why wasn't his body responding? Why was he just standing still?
And all too suddenly the voices in his head went silent. He didn't know why. But when he opened his eyes he didn't even know he closed, he saw the reason. A beast was in front of him, ugly, black, with mouths full of human teeth everywhere. Two small buttons like eyes, black just like its flesh stared at him. And he saw his hand, holding a iron dagger that was stabbing the beast right into the side of it's face, in it's right ear.
The beast let out a mighty growl before jumping into action, its intent to kill him, skin him alive, maul him but his body was already moving while he was still in a daze. His mouth broke into a crazed grin as he swung and swung his blade, stabbing the beast repeatedly. Blood everywhere, blackish substance like. And he laughed and he laughed, even as the monster layed dead, he kept stabbing and stabbing, ripping it apart. More. More. MORE.
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Childe woke up with a gasp. Slowly turning his head to the side, he eyed the window. It was still night. He sighed and got up, sitting with his legs under him. The dream..... It felt more real than usual. It usually was just a blur of events but this time...... He shook his head and tried setting his mind somewhere else.
Oh! The sigil right! He slowly got out of bed, draping his fluffy blanket around himself as picked the sigil up. He traced the shape once more and felt another jolt of pain shoot through him as he did. Shit. He was definitely gonna have to tell Dottore about that.
Ignoring the pain for now, he looked around the library he personally requested to be connected with his room. His hands traced the many books laid before his eyes before he finally found it. Letting out a pleased inhumane rumble, he took it and made his way to his window so he could use the light of the moon as lightness instead of wasting a candle. Call it smart brain or dumb brain, but the darkness made him feel more at ease, like the gentle caress of a mother.
And with that in brain, Childe opened the book at the S section. His finger traced each chapter till it finally stopped on chapter 206: 'Everything about sigils'. He stared at the different shapes and meanings till it finally stopped on what he needed. The shape of a sprouting seed, identical to that of the sigil laid there. Leaning back on his chair, Childe read over the words.
'A sprouting seed on a sigil typically symbolizes growth, potential, and new beginnings. It can represent the start of a new journey, the nurturing of an idea, or the emergence of something significant from humble beginnings. The imagery of a seed sprouting conveys hope, fertility, and the promise of future development and success. In a broader sense, it can also signify transformation and the natural cycles of life.'
“What.... “ Childe muttered under his breath, rubbed his eyes and continued reading.
' In addition to growth, potential, and new beginnings, a sprouting seed on a sigil can have several other symbolic meanings:
1. Renewal and Rebirth: It can represent a fresh start or rejuvenation, symbolizing the end of one phase and the beginning of another.
2. Resilience and Persistence: The seed's journey from dormancy to sprouting can symbolize overcoming adversity and the persistence needed to achieve one's goals.
3. Hope and Optimism: A sprouting seed can be a powerful symbol of hope, indicating a positive outlook for the future and the belief in positive outcomes.
4. Connection to Nature: It can signify harmony with nature, growth in natural cycles, and the importance of environmental awareness.
5. Fertility and Abundance: The sprouting seed can symbolize fertility, abundance, and the promise of future prosperity.
6. Spiritual Awakening: In some contexts, it might represent spiritual growth or awakening, indicating the beginning of a spiritual journey or enlightenment.
7. Creativity and Ideas: The seed can symbolize the birth of new ideas and creative endeavors, highlighting the importance of nurturing and developing one's creativity.'
The ginger felt his headache grow. Why did that sound familiar? It felt like everything.... Was happening again. He felt it again. That same pull in his chest when he gained his vision, when he killed for the first time, when he laid his hands on a sigil of permission for the first time and..... Again now.
It felt like a piece of memory was ripped from him. What couldn't he remember that was so important? Why did he feel like he was living everything for a second time? It all felt wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong-
A light. Childe's eyes snapped open and he looked at the sigil. It was glowing. The lines that drew the seed started moving, twisting and turning. And then..... A new symbol was formed? An hourglass.... Childe felt like his head was gonna explode. He closed his eyes tight and gritted his teeth. Curling into a ball he let a piercing scream. He felt something pour from his nose and mouth and when he opened his eyes to look, he saw blood.
But he didn't have enough time to think about it as another scream wrecking its way through his lungs. He felt his bones cracking, organs twisting like an invisible force pushing against him. He fell forward but never reached the floor and he just kept falling and falling and falling and fall-
Before it stopped. And all of the sudden, he passed out, not feeling how his body fell to the ground with a loud crash, or the sudden of shocked voices, nor a deep familiar voice among them who silenced everyone.