Work Text:
Ena hangs up and logs out of Nightcord rapidly in frustration.
She had done it again. She had said too much. She had opened her damn mouth without thinking.
“It’s okay,” Mizuki had told her, and maybe Mizuki had been alright with it. Maybe Mizuki is alright with it, but Ena definitely wasn’t. She definitely isn’t .
The mere thought of hearing Mizuki say those words again made Ena’s innards start rumbling. Bile forms in her stomach and her urge to puke grows. She soon catches herself rushing to the bathroom.
She shuts the door with force and locks herself in. She needs some time alone. She needs some privacy. Even if she knows she is never going to fully be on her own because her thoughts will be keeping her company anyway.
Fleeing.
Escaping.
Being unable to face herself.
Those are the only good things you’re good for.
“It’s okay,” the thought kept lingering in Ena’s head.
She hurls into the toilet.
“No, it isn’t.”
“Stop pretending it is.”
“You liar.”
You’re just saying things to make me feel comforted.
You’re just saying things to protect yourself.
You hate me and are done with my bullshit. But you still want to be kind to me for some fucking reason I don’t understand. I don’t deserve any of it.
I’m an egocentric bitch who only knows how to hurt those around her. I keep hurting, I keep hurting and hurting you, everyone around me, myself.
You don’t want to spare any details, but I know you’ve been hurt in the past too, that you’re still hurting now, so why would you stay with me regardless?
“You don’t hate me, right?”
You… no, yes, no… yeah.
You wouldn’t hate me.
You can’t hate me.
You don’t want to admit I’m hurting you.
“…You just don’t want to admit I’m hurting you.”
Because doing so would mean admitting I’m a bad influence in your life and that you should get away from me.
“But you want things to remain as they are, right?”
To stay together?
And you’re lying. You’re lying because of that.
“I hate that.”
I hate liars so damn much because I have trouble reading their intentions. I can’t tell their truths from their lies and fall into the trap of thinking what they’re saying is either one or the other but never both.
“I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I-”
“I’m going to fucking punch you and strangle you next time we see each other. I’m going to split your stomach open and rip all of your guts-”
Ena’s cognition gets interrupted for a second.
“I’m fucking doing it again. Why the living hell am I saying this shit about Mizuki? She just wants to fucking help and I’m being a bitch. She just wants to fucking help, right?”
“Mizuki’s just being… loose about this because…”
“…because she knows I’m unreliable, doesn’t she?”
Before turning fully against her once more.
“She knows I’m a self-centered whore who only thinks about herself.”
A self-centered whore who can’t understand others’ needs are just as important as hers. An asshole. A bitch. Moron idiot whore. A whiny and stupid attention-seeker who can’t help but talk a lot about the things that bother her. That always gets worked up over tiny shit and releases that energy immediately.
Mizuki knows I can’t be trusted for this. She knows I’m prone to breaking down and tearing everything to pieces. She knows about my self-destructive urges. She knows just how much it takes me to stay stable throughout the day. She knows. She knows. She knows she knows she knows she knows.
She knows about how strongly I feel everything around me. About these thoughts I get. These urges, these impulses. These ugly images I draw in my mind, in which I paint people over with blood and sketch them full of bruises. And then open my eyes to instead see my own body messed up and pained. Or someone completely unrelated pierced and staggered by my roars.
And despite this, it’s not that she thinks I’m a bad person (or maybe yes, who the fuck knows for certain when she NEVER shares her thoughts about us unless she’s joking or pulling some shit like that), but that she KNOWS I won’t be able to handle it. She knows that worrying me will just lead to disaster. I know it too. And I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so goddamn much.
I hate myself.
“No, I don’t.”
Ena digs her nails into her arm.
I need to stop being irrational. Focus.
I want to die.
“No, I fucking don’t.”
Die.
“No.”
Die.
“Can my brain please just shut the fuck up? I’m so tired of it.”
Die.
“I’m going to bash my head against the wall and silence it forever.”
I want to kill myself.
“SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP!”
She bites her hand right after she lets that scream out. It’s goddamn late into the night. Her dad’s a heavy sleeper but there’s a chance she wakes him up. Better shut up and not risk it. She doesn’t want to deal with him. She doesn’t want to see that man’s distasteful mug, degrading her even more. She clenches her teeth, lets them sink into her flesh as she tries to slow down her racing thoughts.
All I ask for is one day in which I don’t hurt anyone, one day in which I don’t push someone away, one day in which I don’t doubt everyone I care about.
(You’re getting caught up in your perception of reality again.)
All I ask for is one day in which I feel I’m not hurting anyone, one day in which I don’t feel I’m pushing everyone away, one day in which I don’t feel I’m doubting everyone I care about.
(Try separating thoughts from feelings.)
All I ask for is one day in which I don’t think I’m hurting anyone, one day in which I don’t think I’m pushing everyone away, one day in which I don’t think about doubting everyone I care about.
I feel angry at myself all the time and it’s frustrating. I get disappointed by myself all the time and it’s frustrating. I’m disgusted with myself and it’s frustrating.
Tears start rolling down her cheeks. Her sobs are barely audible due to her mouth still being covered.
Ena releases the tension from her jaw and takes a look at the fresh wounds she’s left on her skin. They’re swollen. Thankfully they camouflage with her freckles, somewhat.
She glances up quietly to see her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes are red and puffy. Not a sight she isn’t used to. It’s so familiar it’s almost laughable. It is laughable. Maybe laughing a little won’t hurt.
She needs to clean up first, though. She’s a mess right now. Wash the toilet, her hands, her face, treat her injuries, fix her hair, grab her phone, take a quick selfie, adjust the lighting, think of a caption- Right. She left her phone in her room. Now that was something she wasn’t used to. No wonder she hadn’t heard any notifications coming in since she came here.
Maybe it was for the best. I’ll pick it up once I’m done. Guess it would also let Mizuki know I’m doing better too. Kind of a check-in without really talking to her.
She hears footsteps heading her direction.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Dad. That fucker’s outside. Not yet. Please. Not yet. I don’t want to fucking see you yet. Give me 5, no 10 minutes. You can hold it in. Please. Not yet. I’m begging. Please. Please.
They ring louder. Someone’s getting close.
“CAN’T YOU SEE THE LIGHTS ARE ON? GO THE FUCK AWAY,” is what Ena would’ve liked to say, but her day’s been long. She’s exhausted. She doesn’t have enough energy and her last yell left her throat hurting. She mumbles a single word:
“...busy.”
The footsteps fade away.
That couldn’t have been him. He would’ve insisted on opening the door. Still fast asleep then…
“Haah…” Ena sighs quietly. “What’s gotten over me? That must have been mom or Akito. So stupid… I’m stupid.”
A needy, capricious nuisance that’s too much to deal with, too difficult to be around. I’m lucky that mom and Akito are patient and understanding enough to put up with me and my daily shit.
Niigo too… Kanade’s a sweetheart. Mafuyu’s awfully blunt, but she means well. And Mizuki…
Mizuki… She’s a good listener, but she doesn’t like talking about herself. She doesn’t want people to pry on her matters. She must have a reason for that. It’s not that she doesn’t trust me specifically. She’s just like that. I… have to respect that, be patient. I’ll apologize once I’m done here.
And with that goal in mind, Ena gets to business.
The whole cleaning process ends up taking her about half an hour. Not enough time for her to calm down completely, but enough for her mood to clear itself a bit.
Loose thoughts remain hanging over her head as she walks the way back to her bedroom. It’s a short path, but she moves slowly, focusing on the sound every step of her makes, on the waveforms formed during the contact between her feet and the floor.
She passes by Akito’s room and hears some noise coming from there.
He must be the one who walked by the bathroom earlier- Huh?
She stops. And pays more attention.
Ena notices it’s not mere noise, but an actual melody, and a gentle one at that. A track she recognizes, and that has helped her multiple times when she’s broken down. It’s a rare sight coming from her brother, who’s usually listening to rougher and more energetic music.
She closes her eyes…
In… Hold… Out… Hold…
In… Hold… Out… Hold…
In… Hold… Out… Hold…
In… Hold… Out… Hold…
Her heart’s still beating fast. She knows deep breathing isn’t as effective when it’s already like that, but she feels more of her unsteadiness fading away.
Did he notice I wasn’t doing well and put on the song Kanade made for me?
Staying up for this… That’s awfully thoughtful of him, especially since he’s got practice early.
…I should probably do something about my sleep schedule too. Well, not really, being a night owl’s already part of my routine. And it’s part of what I have to do as a member of Niigo. I don’t think I’ll be changing that. I don’t need to change that. It’s okay.
“It’s okay.”
The phrase resounds through Ena’s mind.
Maybe, just maybe… some things have no issues with them.
No, that’s impossible, I know. I know that I’ll get locked into thinking that everything’s wrong and without solutions again anytime soon, a few hours from now, heck maybe even minutes.
But not right now .
She chooses to enjoy the present this time.
She opens her eyes and continues moving towards her room. Once there, she closes the door, turns off her computer and grabs her phone.
Nightcord at 25:00 / # work
Enanan - Today at 3:17 AM
Sorry I quit the call so suddenly, everyone.
I hope I didn’t worry you too much.
I had an outburst and needed a moment to myself.
I’m doing better now.
I need some rest, though, so I’ll continue with the illustration as soon as I wake up.K - Today at 3:17 AM
No worries, Enanan. It’s alright. Please, sleep well. Thank you for your hard work as always.Enanan - Today at 3:18 AM
Yes! Of course, K! Thank you…Yuki - Today at 3:18 AM
Sleep well don’t worryEnanan - Today at 3:18 AM
Sure, sure. You too.
@Amia
Enanan - Today at 3:19 AM
Hey, listen.
You probably… No, you definitely noticed that I left the call as soon as I heard you say that it was okay for me to bring that up.
I know you’ve previously been uncomfortable with it. I won’t bring it up again.
I’m sorry. I… still have this… overwhelming fear of saying something irredeemably wrong and hurting you, and you leaving and I just…
I can’t. I feel awful, unreliable, unworthy, every time without fail. I really hate it.
I’m working on managing myself better but I still have a lot to do.
I know it’s my responsibility to notice, but please, please , let me know whenever I cross a line, okay?
That’s all I have to say for now. I’m going to sleep.
Hope you have a good night.
Ena throws her phone at her bed, changes into her pajamas and crawls into her sheets. Sleep consumes her before she’s able to see any further replies.
Nightcord at 25:00 / # work
Amia - Today at 3:22 AM
yeah enanan!! no sweat!! ur fine girl we prommy!!
@Enanan
Amia - Today at 3:22 AM
aw ena…
u silly hedgehog…
mafuyu was on point when calling u that. u should draw urself a fursona sometime (˵ ¬ᴗ¬˵)
dw abt it u rly didn’t cross any lines. i’ll letcha know if u ever do!! ദ്ദി(๑>•̀๑)
gosh youre so considerate…
like fr fr…
it makes me sooooo happy to hear u care sm abt lil ol me!! ( ╥ ᴗ ╥)
plz be kind to urself too ok??
sleep tight don’t let the bedbugs bite!!!
“love u lots <3,” Mizuki is about to hit send when she stop herself.
“Hmm… Nah, I’ll keep that one out for now. She’s got a looooot of stress as she does right now. Don’t think that putting that pressure on her will help her much… even if it’s true, ahaha…”
She had left her room to grab some water, and came back to find Ena had messaged her… a lot.
“Maaaaan, can’t believe I missed talking to her in real time like that. Well, there’s always tomorrow, I guess. It’s really odd for her to go to bed this early too, she really must’ve been tired…”
Mizuki is about to get back on her desktop but soon find herself thinking about a specific part of Ena’s texts.
Me leaving, huh?
A cold shiver runs down her spine.
I… can’t promise that won’t happen. At least I can’t do that yet. I mean. I definitely want to stay with all of them but… who knows… what the future has in store… and if things will lead to me… needing to leave…
I hope that doesn’t happen…
Water begins accumulating in her eyes.
“Gosh, haha, look at me~ Getting tense about this~ It hasn’t happened yet… It… Hasn’t… Haha…”
She trusts me too much. I wonder what it's like to have as much faith in people as she does… It’s so unwavering and beautiful… And she’s so kind and dependable… I wish I had the courage to tell her that to her face.
“Haah… I’m such a coward.”
Running away is all I’ve known. Being like this… to someone like her… It really makes me aware of how awful of a person I am. I’m sorry too, Ena…
She grabs a tissue and wipe the excess away, give herself a pause to breathe and hop on the group call once more.
“K, Yuki! I’m back~!”
It comes off a bit shakier than she would’ve liked.
“Amia, are you okay? Your voice sounded a bit funny just now.”
Oh, of course. There’s no hiding from Kanade’s keen hearing.
“…It’s shaky.”
Nor Mafuyu’s. Jeez, was it really that noticeable? I have to be more careful…
“Yeah, yeah, no biggie~ Sorry I took a bit, we were out of ice! I had to wait until my water was cool enough, but I guess it wasn’t enough of a wait and burnt my tongue right on the tip, oops!”
And that’s another lie exiting my lips. Well, half-lie. I did burn my tongue a bit but it wasn’t the only reason I was late… nor the reason I was shaken up.
“Enanan is out for the night so you can take off if you need to.”
“Nah, I’m fine~ Thanks for offering, though! Actually, I think working might help me stop thinking about this teensy pain, so if you guys excuse me, I’ll get back to that now!”
“Okay. Good luck.”
“…Good luck, Amia.”
“Mhm~! Thaaaank you~! All right! Here I go!”
She mutes herself, Kanade and Mafuyu soon to follow. They’re all going back to their respective stations, it looks like.
It’s okay. I’ll say what I need to say when I can. I’ll… get all those words out eventually… I want to try. I really want to. It… it’s scary. It will take some time, I might, no, I will need to lie again before the time comes, but I will… I will push through that fear. I have to.
“Let’s do this.”